#im buying things for prom but constantly feeling guilty for my mom spending money for me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

traumaticexperiences · 7 years

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i feel the need to rant about my abusive mom. oh god where do i start? for as long as i can remember she has always treated my youngest sister and brother way better than she’s treated me and my other sisters. she bullied my oldest sister into moving out, but she nearly made it impossible for her to move out because she’d take all of her money until my sister got smart and opened an account where she stashed money. She never forgets to remind me how useless i am and how i won’t amount to anything. I’m not even sure if i’m going to be able to afford to go to university next year because she literally takes all of my money. I often mention how unhappy i am and how everything would be easier if I were to die and she never fails to respond “good, that’s one less child i have to worry about”. I have to sleep on the couch because she refuses to buy me a bed although i know this is her way of subtly saying i am no longer welcome. Today she mentioned how i need to find a job so that i can move out because she’s tired of me being here. It’s hard to do that because she always guilts me into giving her my money. She also makes me feel guilty about buying me necessities like food and water etc. There are days where I can’t even bring myself to leave off of the couch. When i was younger i remember she had this hard leather belt and this belt that had these spike type things on there and as soon as we did something she didn’t like she’d beat us with it. i remember always having scars on my legs and arms from those belts and never wearing shorts or skirts and always wearing long sleeves or always wearing a jacket to prevent anyone from asking questions. She also throws whatever is in her reach, once she threw a screwdriver at me but missed and it shattered our glass screen door and shards of glass fell on me and cut my back and arms. She also slapped me in the face with a flip flop and it left a mark. She also used to yank my ears and bend my hands all the way back to touch my wrists. She also used to threaten to beat (us) if we asked if a friend or cousin could stay the night or asked for anything while we were in the store. She often calls me derogatory names whenever i do not agree with something she says and calls me disrespectful if i mention how she does not treat me correctly. She’s also tried to physically fight me (i don’t remember why because i was 11 or 12). Whenever we go around family members she never fails to degrade or humiliate me in front of them, making me not want to ever attend family gatherings again, and she finds it funny. She often makes offensive “jokes” and when i get offended she gets mad and yells at me telling me that i need to learn how to take a joke. Whenever any of us picks up a little weight she ALWAYS has to point it out and tries to make us feel bad about ourselves. Whenever she’s dating a guy she always makes them her number 1 priority as if she doesn’t have kids. She is always comparing me to my cousins, she says things like “why can’t you buy me things like *blank* does for her mom” “why can’t you get a job and a car like *blank” just constantly comparing. Whenever we have a disagreement she always says “well get a job and move out” “you better shut up before i kick you out” “you need to get off of the couch and move out”. She also places the responsibility of taking care of my younger siblings when i’m only 19 and still trying to figure things out. Whenever she does anything for me she never lets me forget about it and if i make a mistake (for example the breaks went out on the car i was driving and i crashed) she always brings it up especially when we’re around other people as a way to let people know I’m not the “perfect” kid that everyone seems to think. I also hear her bad mouthing me to her friends/ family anytime she’s on the phone which sucks because i feel like they all hate me just because she paints me as this villain and she treats me like shit and i’m slowly starting to speak up for myself. She’ll say one thing one day and when i bring it up (for example me asking to use the car) she’ll say she never said that and will get mad at me for “putting words in her mouth” then proceed to list off reasons why I dont deserve to use the car. Always brings up the things she spent money on for me, she MADE me go to prom then complained and got mad at me because she had to spend money, same with senior pictures, and senior shirts etc. Her constant complaint about money got me to the point (from an early age) that i was afraid to ask for just little things like school supplies or bigger bras. She makes me feel like im such a burden and uses money as a way to blackmail me. I often only eat once a day and she hasn’t noticed, only points out how i look a little smaller. I have been depressed for some years now yet she has never noticed or acknowledged it, she only calls me lazy. Sorry that i made this so long i just have no one irl to talk to about this because society paints mothers as these saints that can do no wrong and everything is somehow the child’s fault.

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it sounds really devastating, having your mother sabotage you by taking all your money and having the nerve to imply that you're useless or never going to amount to anything, those things are never related to truth and only a part of manipulation and brainwashing. and i can't believe she would say "that's one less child i have to worry about" when you talk about your death, that is too fucking cruel. She doesn't sound like a parent at all, more like a really hateful enemy. Her violence sounds really destructive and terrifying, how could she hurt a child that much and still live with herself, that is fuckng sick. I can't imagine how hard it is to survive after going thru so much abuse and danger, it souns like she didn't care about putting you at rist or danger at all if she got to take her anger out on you.

She inflicted so many types of abuse on you, physical, psychological, social, it must be really hard for you to live with having trauma in so many areas of life. I'm glad you were able to rant at least a little, complaining about things like this is good.

#trigger warning #child abuse #emotional abuse #beatings #abusive parents #abusive relationships #eating disorders #suicide mention #submission

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