#im scared ill embarass myself or get carried away | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aux0rde · 3 years

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love love lvoe loveee ekekeek imma simpppppppppppp </3

i feel so horrible all the time and im mentally not in a good place and everything is just so boring and i feel like i fucked up everything over and over and it hurts.. it feels like nobody cares even if they do its not the people i want. i like someone but theyre not someone i can be with as they go to a different school and will be a senior next year they probably think im this dumb little kid. idk why i like them either. i think its because i feel like im romantisizing the fact that hes not mentally in a good place like me and i feel like i want to show him how he happy he can be but idk. it could be so perfect. nobody else likes him except me but i feel loyal to him as i do to everyone i like. i feel like this might be more real than my other “crush” but i barely know him as a person i just want to protect him and make him feel loved. maybe i just feel bad for him? but i wouldnt mind dating him idk. idec if hes too ill to make me happy i think making him happy is all i need and when he looks at me i sort of like breath heavy his eyes are so pretty and ahh his smile... my cheeks heat up thinking about it... its so embarassing because im getting butterflies thinking about it... nobody else seems to find him attractive so idek but when has anyone ever found the people i think are attractive attractive? idk i love everything about him. his face his eyes his smile what he says and it feels like we have a connection but idk maybe im overreacting and making things up again.. and even when he just taps my shoulder i get a series of emotions... hes probably too depressed to even crush but idk hes just this quiet dude. hes so respectful and its so cute because hes so oblivious to everything. he also seems so emotionless idk why i find this attractive god help me. and oh my god he looks at me in the eyes when im talking and its so nice and i feel like we both notice things.. and AHG idk what he is thinking about even. and the rest of my friends all like the basic “attractive” dude whos funny and outgoing and dorky but i like this quiet sad boy who makes edgy jokes where it seems like hes crying for help but no one seems to notice.. he likes animals too and it makes me so happy i just want to take care of him and tell him hes loved and that i understand... or is this just me wanting to treat someone how i wished they would treat me and idk what it is about him that i find attractive he has so much acne and is like this tall twig, but its all his eyes and smile and hair like oh my god. his eyes are so pretty like when he looks at you its like from under his lashes and theyre a light blue or a grey? and his smile </3 im not romantisizing mental illness i swear because ive liked boys who are the complete opposite of him... i think?? i cant help it im just attracted to people i feel like i can help or just smother?? maybe that makes me a horrible person.. I JUST WANT TO BE THERE FOR SOMEONE BECAUSE NOBODY WILL BE THERE FOR ME. i want to make sure this boy eats enough and gets enough love and sleep and i just want to hear his whole life story like idk why im like this. ive liked him since day one tbh just the way he carries himself he seems like he smells like ice or like something clean and just sharp like a breath of fresh air.. and hes so peaceful like. his touch is so gentle like when he touches me or my face its like hes scared of breaking me.. its just so endearing.. like idk why im simping but when jena and tori and zinniah are all checking out ian im like uh huh and just daydreaming about me and this boy in a field with like flowers and a breeze. idk i feel like hes the FIRST person EVER in all of my series of crushes even the one i would consider my first “love” where i wouldn’t get bored with ever like we could just talk about life and just anything and he makes me feel so comfortable and beautiful on the inside.. like i could be in a igloo freezing to death and id be like happy because hes there with me?? he makes me want to be all simpy and gooey and icky and just WOW literally the first time this has happened... and i liked him even back when he wasnt all that at all.. im so incredibly attracted to him istg. i dream about him sm. he doesnt scare me or intimidate me like alot of men do.. he makes me feel safe and hes like this towering gaurdian angel.. idk but somehow im the protector?? idk if i could relate him to an object it would be a pillow even though hes like really skinny,, i feel wrong when i think about anyone besides him to be honest. or maybe im just attracted him because he seems like he would be capable of so much love. and no i see it the way he looks at other girls is different i dont feel jealous he looks at them how he would look at anyone else so it feels like hes seeing something with his eyes like something beyond. i just know if he loved me too he would never cheat on me.. and hes never hurt me before EVER i have no negative emotions associated with him at all except for missing him and his absense.. and like those few encounters we have just feel so magical. like the first day when we were the only ones in the storage room and i was carrying a box i could like feel his breathing and hear everything and hes just so respectful ahg liek he didnt even do the weird checking out thing that guys do when ur walking in front them he just asked me how my day was and how i felt :,) </3 and it feels like he has his head in the clouds and like this soul.. im in love with his soul.. when he touches my hand or something it feels like electricity but gentle. LIKE IS HE MY SOULMATE?? how was i instantly attracted to him.. and just everything about him is so oooh my... and i feel like he notices the little things that i do that nobody else notices.. like things about my personality? it makes me feel so appreciated... like i feel like his love is beyond material things.. like he says some weird things and might be kind of loony but theyre weird in like a ??? way not like a creepy way... i just want to press foreheads with him not even kiss that seems to obscene. like he is god LIKE HES SO LOONY is he alright?? like he acts like hes on psychedelics 24/7 and i like this??? and he IS different from everyone ive liked before because he feels magical not like someone i get shy around.. or when im just standing and he walks up and stands next to me or sits next to me.. and he never makes me feel dumb.. hes like quiet but it makes me feel so safe and im not used to it.. like i would be okay with just sitting in silence and just being with him in a room idc i feel like we can telepathically communicate.. he makes me think of pretty things nothing grimy. like ice and just air and snowflakes and angels and just like pretty fresh things.. im convinced hes a supernatural being at this point.. he just appears and sometimes i look for him in crowds and i find myself missing his PRESENSE.. like hes so perfect to daydream about.. if he wishes to be mine i feel like all my worries will fade and i will be complete. his smile is so cute.. i just want to see it all the time and i think i would physically gasp or pass away to see him frown or be in pain.. like it would literally physically hurt me idk why i feel so connected to him and while i was writing this i just see angel numbers like 2:22 and its not even obvious i just looked at the right time... i could spend eternity with him.. as long as hes happy ill be good.. i cant stop looking at him theres something androgenous about him too like he could satisfy my need for feminity and masculinity whilst being really masculine... everyone also thinks hes weird and different but i think hes perfect and a beautiful creature,,, he has the embodiment of pisces eyes they are so pretty and AHHBD.. and the night we were all sitting around the fire area and everyone else was closing their eyes and its just me and him looking into each others eyes and i feel so complete and we share a laugh... and the fact that he chose ME he chose me and it makes me so happy.. i think i would die of embarassment if he actually complimented my appearance because his compliments are so meaningful like WOAH this magical creature thinks i LOOK good too?? can we just be two ghosts in love ahahdja just our souls tied together.. he reminds me of smoke like the pretty smoke... nothing like cig smoke maybe like insense? idk like a drug but without the negative consequences..

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