#im so burnt out but this season has been alot of fun for me so i managed to squeeze out these sketches | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

artificialqueens · 7 years

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Rupaul's Bake Off ~ Hobnob

A/N: The great British bake off is so close i can taste it. People don’t know this about me, but i go into a hibernation like state whilst waiting between seasons of bake off. I then emerge from my cocoon as a sweaty moth, ready to watch some fuckin cooking and pound a few brews.

Alas, bake off moved to channel 4 and i can’t stand channel 4 it can suck my flaccid wang. Too many adds, I’m not about that life, you know? When i found out i looked my mum straight in the eyes and cried. She told me i was loved and held me tight. Thats the only intimacy i ever got from mum :(

I was craving some classic bake off, that really kept with the feel of the show. Bless mary berry that sweet old thing. She was faithful and stayed with the BBC! I burnt my paul holywood cookbook when i found out he was moving to channel 4. Liar!!! Dickhead!!!

Enjoy~ Hobnob

Ru: So then i said if those are your rates ill kill the child myself.

Ru: Shit we on?

Ru: Hello hello hello! Four weeks in, 12 bakers down to eight. They’re on a roll!

Ru: Welcome, to Rupaul’s Bake Off!

Ru: Alright ladies, how are we feeling today?

Laganja: Well actually i-

Ru: Hahahahaha thats wonderful!

Ru: For todays challenge you’ll all be making shortbread, and since our ratings went up by 4, we can actually afford real flour.

Trixie: We used washing powder. Magnolia Crawford died.

Ru: I hear your complaints. Magnolia’s family will be notified.

Trixie: Her body is still on the floor. We used her left leg for pie week.

Ru: Her death drop was sickening!

Ru: Are you ladies bready to make some shortbread?

*general mumbling*

Ru: Well on that note lets- WAKE UP PEARL.

Pearl: Im a dude that loves to snooze.

Ru: Gentlemen, start your ovens, and may the best woman, bake!

Pearl: where am i.

Ru: Alright Michelle what we looking for in a good piece of shortbread?

*Michelle grabs a tesco’s own brand tray of shortbread and cuts a piece in half*

Michelle: No soggy bottoms.

Ru: But Michelle i heard you love a soggy bottom!

*cackling from Michelle and Santino*

Ru: Now Santino, what are you looking for in a piece of shortbread.

Santino: I want to have a have a childhood flashback like in ratatouille.

Ru: Santino your fired.

Michelle: Its literally impossible to fuck up shortbread, I’m exited to see what these girls can turn out.

Santino: I think one of the contestants died last week.

Ru: You know michelle i completely agree. Ill be keeping my rye on them!

*more cackling*

Ru: Alright we only booked this room for half an hour get out.

Ru: lets see how some of these biological women are doin.

Ru: Sharon Needles, how it do?

Sharon: Hoh hoh its going great Ru!

Ru: Now I’m…seeing alot of plastic rings on the counter…whats that all about?

Sharon: See Ru, at greggs they serve their shortbread with fun plastic rings on top!

Sharon: I love greggs this is really a homage to that.

Ru: I uh…ok

Ru: So how about the Shortbread itself, how’s that coming along?

Sharon: I wanted it to have a spook-tastic theme!

*Ru nods*

Sharon: So i put live spiders in the mix.

Ru: Christ…

Ru: Alright ill let you get back to work thanks Sharon.

Sharon: Hoh hoh!

Ru: Katya, hows everything cooking?

Katya: Im making ravioli Ru.

Ru: But the challenge is to make shortbread.

*Katya leans in and whispers*

Katya: Ru ima level with you here, i ate all the flour.

*Ru sighs*

Ru: Alright can we get Katya another bag of flour?

Pit crew: We can’t she snorted it all.

Katya: Im so happy to be here!!!

Ru: For fucks sake. there were 20 bags of flour.

*Katya takes another drag of her cigarette*

Katya: Party.

Ru: Right Im going over there.

Ru: Leganjy estrangy, it smells great over here!

Laganja: Actually mawma its pronounced la-

Ru: Wonderful!

Ru: How are you approaching the classic shortbread recipie?

Laganja: Well mwahmah i baked my shortbread with pot cuz if it aint green i aint interested you best believe!

Ru: You smuggled marijuana on set??

Adore: Rupaul that was my weed she stole it!!!

Laganja: You fucking dickpig son of a spazzy cunt i didn’t take nothing.

Adore: You also stole my copious amounts of ketamine gurl, most unsportsmanlike…

*Laganja whips out her gun*

Laganja: You willing to die over this? Take it easy okuur?

*She aims the gun at adore’s temple and speaks in a soft voice*

Laganja: I feel very…attacked.

Ru: Oof i doughnut want to be caught up in this pickle. Take it easy…bake oven.

*Roaring laughter from Michelle*

- Ru: Sasha Velour!

Ru: Make this quick I’m running out of food related puns.

Sasha: Want me to give you a quick run-through of what I’m making?

Ru: Sasha you bread my mind!

Ru: Oh i do got more.

Sahsa: I really wanted to get an in depth look at the inner workings of shortbread.

Shasha: So my piece will be a deconstruction of shortbread at its essence.

Ru: Its… just the raw ingredients and you’ve painted 3 of the eggs.

Sasha: plus i infused the oats with the tears of a crying dove.

Sasha: Its the future of baking man. Don’t even trip.

Ru: I have only just met you.

Ru: But i love you.

Sasha: Right on.

*Ru checks her casio sports watch*

Ru: ALRIGHT LADIES STOP BAKING WE’S DONE TIME’s UUupP.

Ru: Time to judge this shitshow.

*Ru Michelle and Santino look at all the trays. Santino begins to cry*

Michelle: Uh- lets start with Trixie mattel’s!!

Santino: So first off its fucking pink. And there’s bits of glitter sticking out of it.

Trixie: Yeah that glitter isn’t edible.

*Santino, Michelle and Ru take a bite* Michelle: Why does it taste like regret and plastic?

Trixie: I melted 3 barbie dolls into the mix. I was feeling the fantasy.

*Santino begins to choke and collapses on the floor*

Ru: Sickening!

Michelle: Movin on.

Michelle: Bianca Del Rio, lets see what you made henny.

*Michelle picks up a tray of paper slips*

Ru: Tf is this.

Bianca: THEY’RE ALL INSULTS FOR LAGANJA ESTRANJA.

Bianca: I WANT TO SLASH HER FUCKING FACE.

Michelle: That went to a very dark place.

Bianca: I WILL ABSORB HER LIFE ENERGY AND RETURN TO THE SHADOW RELM.

*Michelle puts down the tray and looks at the rest of the trays*

Michelle: The rest of these aren’t even shortbread. Ru did you have to cast a group of twats, how do you fuck up shortbread.

Ru: Now seems like the perfect time to plug my new product.

Ru: It’s a literal piece of shit. Just a big chunk of shit.

Ru: Think of the…possibilities.

Adore: Did Santino die?

Ru: Now available on ebay. Bidding starts at ten quid.

Adore: He isn’t breathing.

Ru: While you think about the series of events that led you to this gig, the judges and i will deliberate.

*Ru looks over to Santino’s dead body*

Ru: Michelle and i will deliberate. ~

Ru: Alright so what do we think?

Michelle: Katya snorted all the flour then spat in a tray, Pearl is asleep inside the oven, Bianca keeps coming at queens with carving knives, I think i saw Trixie sample Katya’s tray of spit, Laganja has a loaded gun, Adore doesn’t belong here, Sasha is immaculate and i love her god bless and Sharon started coughing up blood.

Ru: The ‘steaks’ are higher than ever!

Michelle: And Santino Rice died.

Ru: Ive heard enough…Bring back my goirls.

*Michelle cackles*

Ru: Alright ladies…ive made my decision…

*Trixie raises her hand and Ru sighs*

Ru: Yes Trixie?

Trixie: Where’s Manila?

Ru: i-uh…oh shit yeah Manila was sposed to be here.

Ru: Manila?

*Manila pops her head out of a fruit bowl. She’d been disguised as a pineapple the whole time!*

Ru: Why you hiding gurl?

*Manila speaks through broken sobs*

Manila: Someone…someone left the cake out in the rain.

*shady rattlesnake noise*

Manila: I-I just don’t think that I can take it, coz it took so long to bake it.

*A single tear rolls down her pineapple cheek*

Manila: And I’ll never have that recipe again.

*Everyone hugs Manila and cries*

Ru: Mmm thats some good telly.

Ru: Alright I’ve made my decision…

Ru: Stacy layne Mathews, you are the star baker of this weeks challenge.

*Everyone applauds, and nods in agreement*

Stacy: Thanks. As they say back in the swamp, “i am in a swamp, but why?”

Ru: Preach sister.

Ru: Unfortunately…this is the hardest part of the competition…who will be eliminated.

Ru: So Im going to let Michelle Visage decide.

Michelle: Trixie you killed Santino Rice.

Michelle:…

Michelle: thank you. You are safe + immunity for next weeks challenge.

Trixie: Bitchin!

Michelle: You know what, ill cut to the chase. Hermione granger the stranger you can go home.

Laganja: mwwuuaaumahch, it’s pronouncéd lega-

Ru: Get out.

*Even louder applause as everyone else throws rotten tomatoes at a sobbing Laganja*

Ru: Thats not all…every guests here tonight…leaves with a piece of shit!

Ru: See you next week!

Ru: LET THE MUSIC PLAEEH!!

*Everyone shuffles about to the sound of ambient rainforest noises.*

A/N: It was me, tammie brown all along.

If you managed to stick with the entirety of this script you get a shank in the back plus free PPI congration!!!?!?!?!?!!!!!!

#rpdr fanfiction #crack fic #hobnob #rupaul's bake off #trixie mattel #katya zamolodchikova #magnolia crawford #pearl liaison #adore delano #bianca del rio #sasha velour #manila luzon #rupaul #santino rice #michelle visage #sharon needles #laganja estranja #stacy layne matthews #submission

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