#im such a fucking waste of space idk why i even bother i can't do anything right

[selfnss]

h

#ooc. #personal // #negative // #vent // #i was doing so fucking well #at being alone at home while everyone else goes off on holiday #i was doing so well #until i realised i need to pick up my meds tomorrow at some point #and then realised idon't #have the money to pay for the script #who doesn't have £9 lying around to pay for the medication they need to even remotely function properly #im such a fucking waste of space idk why i even bother i can't do anything right #i don't have any money spare my savings are a fraction of what they were this time last year #and i can never get on top of anything #i need a new job #but im too scared to leave the one i have now icant. #i don't want everything to change even though it needs to change #because im making myself ill like this #well #even more ill than i am already #i cant keep doing this #i can't keep going like this #i literally have 60p in my account right now #and i need my medication by tomorrow #this week im going to be paid about £80 #not until monday though #when i will have run out #im so tired #im so so so fucking tired #sorry for this post i just

[dude-iloveu]

i have got to like. chill out

whihch one of my impulsive thoughts (?) should i indulge. literally logging out and or deactivating all or some of my important social medias.

maybe finally get a job ???? get over the anxiety of driving and idk man. get experience. stop being so spoiled

to realize that i am living in my own head. in my own safe space and i should stop living in this stupid fantasy

its bad. ive become worse than i ever was. being kind to myself only led to me being a leeching useless idiot who does nothing with their life. at least with being like this i can constantly fuel my motivation with guilt that i havent done anything worthwhile in my life and should do better.

i dont know why i even bother writing this when in reality i would return to the same i was as always

whatever dini just do whatever your existance already is bad so just diam la hahahahhh i can't even articulate what i feel. all this started because i was tired. is 3am so i cannor trust these feeligs. but also i get reminded of how bad a friend i am and i dont want or can have any meaningful relationship. i jsut. idk. somethingabout how my childhood friends seemingly thunk i am still the same amd i havent changed which should be good but i hate that. how come they all have so much they achieve in their life. and that people can see it

i felt like i changed so much. im no longer that scared child i was. but i guess fucking not. ahh you havent changed. no fuck you too. none of my lomg time friendship actually mean anything then. whatever. i suck anyway. i havent replied to my friend who i call my best, who i would die for, what even am i saying now. hypocrite.

an old ex friend tried contacting me. i can't do it. there's a reason i stop talking with them. 5 years and I'm still stuck in the past. it's true then. i haven't changed.

aaaaah ya allahhh ya rabb ya allah aku tak tau la. apa aku buat ni. apa masalah aku. banyak. tapi. entahla. ya allah aku ni makhluk kau yang lemah. ya allah. aku ni....... ya allahhhhhh

this post is just proof i am still the weak scared child i thought i grew out of. worse thing is that child me was better. ive become worse over the years. i imagined dying at 18 and i should have.

why tf am i still writing. agh this sucks. i dont need comforting words or wnything i just need sleep. nothing makes sense about me and im writing to tumblr. any positive thinking or sympathy will just add morebto me feelingguilty of making peoplw waste their time on me because theyre nice people. i know that and yet. still.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: Worth leaving your park for? Carly: fun Carly: he likes you more but its k cuz so do i Ali: nah Ali: he was so 😍 for the whole sitch I thought he might genuinely explode on sight Ali: it was fun tho, you were so good Carly: that would've been disappointing Carly: he was better than i thought hed be Carly: lads that cocky dont usually come through Carly: youre always good Ali: yeah, i'll give him that Ali: obviously overhyped himself but all lads do Ali: worth it to see my baby work it Ali: and i hope not 😉 Ali: though u can tell my Ma that, get me off the hook, like Carly: not just lads me too Carly: never seen you play someone like that before tho Carly: we gonna try this on caleb next or Carly: she scares me more than your ex but still would Carly: for you my baby Ali: how can you, you're perfect Ali: i know, crossing lads but not each other back then, babe Ali: not mad, not exactly my finest hour but wouldn't hate having met you sooner Ali: idk if it'd work on him Ali: he's not as dumb as Drew, bless him 😘 Ali: felt weird being at his house, woulda died if any of them had come back, like 😂 Ali: never mind my Ma, have you ever seen his? Carly: you're too sweet Carly: i kno cuz you wanna treat him nice like you do me Carly: not how you did drew hot as that was tho Carly: nah thats the first time ive been there & mas w sons give me space like Carly: sorry we should have brought him back to here my bad Ali: blah shut up 😏 Ali: obvs I wanna ride him too but idk Ali: gives off #loyal vibes to me so probs not a goer Ali: Well you know, had to show you what a real girl on girl on boy threesome was all about, boo Ali: nah, it added to the experience Ali: whatever it was, it wasn't boring Carly: i kno that he gives off 😍 for you Carly: & you like him Carly: catch you in his room collecting hair or w ever to put a spell on the boy Carly: when you could just do it the easy way Carly: aw never boring when im w you girl Carly: youve shown me a lot Ali: There's definitely attraction but I don't really know him Ali: Only see some people at parties, he's one of 'em Ali: like you said, we didn't properly SEE each other 'til now, did we? same kinda vibe Ali: my rep proceeds me 💀 Ali: where's the fun in easy? Ali: besides, I'm with you, and you're so fucking cute Ali: who else I need Carly: k but if you want him to see you you've gotta get out there Carly: if you can turn me you can make him forget your rep Carly: got the magic baby you kno Carly: you're cuter Carly: making me blush Ali: you're right Ali: work on being MORE extra Ali: the world ain't ready 😉 Carly: me either Carly: you're also so hot Carly: unfair Carly: if you get more Ali: baby Ali: making me miss you already Ali: that's what's unfair Carly: can i be at yours later tho Carly: my parents are fighting about me & think idk Carly: bitch its a caravan Ali: That's fun Ali: about parenting styles or? Ali: Of course you can Ali: I share a room with Ro though remember, so, best behaviour Carly: ha Carly: theyve got no flair Carly: about to throw this washing up bowl at my ma as my contribution to the convo Carly: shit i forgot Carly: maybe i shouldnt come over then Ali: trying to think of a witty one-liner for when you do Ali: all i've got is 'this convo is as dull as dishwater' lemme workshop it, hold fire boo Ali: nah, please come Ali: lmao, flashbacks to Drew there but forreal Ali: we can sleep on the sofa if needs Carly: lads are so funny Carly: i thought he was gonna cry w he thought we'd changed our minds Carly: good stash tho Carly: only reason my ma still running her mouth about me Carly: well zen Ali: another night crywanking Ali: gutting Ali: yeah, and you see all that fancy shit in his room, clearly on his big badman hype Carly: cant ever bring him here Carly: never hear the end Ali: gonna have trouble keeping him away now, babe Ali: 💦 Carly: only if youre here Carly: you speak the local lingo yea? Ali: Gabh mo leithscéal? Ali: 😏 Carly: wtf Carly: you could've just said yea babe Ali: could've but i'm a showoff Carly: cant act like i dont love it now Ali: can but it'd be a blatant lie Ali: right tongue workout, Gaelic, like Carly: thatll be why you bothered & i never Carly: very gay of you Ali: odds already stacked against me being 50% scum Ali: had to do what i could, babe Carly: help me out then Carly: my da's trying to start a fight w ronan's da who dont even speak english Carly: funny or fucked that he thinks thats where i go Carly: guaranteed his da is calling me a slag while my dad does the same Carly: ha Ali: 😒 Ali: fight for your honour or gtfo Ali: So stupid Ali: want me to rock up translator cum where you've been wasting your time? Carly: i told em all ive been too busy having 3ways w you & the golden god but they aren't having it Carly: gonna have to give you all a show, am i lads that aint what you want da but its what ill do k Carly: walking away before they start kissing themselves Carly: the tension Ali: Oh, middle-aged straight men Ali: never far away from a crisis or homoerotic awakening Ali: Join the club Carly: grab another beer lads itll be alright Carly: im not knocked up or running off with your lad Carly: do wanna get out of here tho Ali: Oh he is not potential baby daddy material at all Ali: Please Ali: come over or you wanna go somewhere else Ali: think my Da is firing up the BBQ, another staple of manliness Ali: sure we can keep him from brawling and strictly on the burgers tho Carly: who is Carly: get me on the ferry before you get me down the aisle Carly: k im walking Carly: keep me company babe Ali: valid Ali: benefits of being a gay is no awkward hush hush trips to England Ali: of course Carly: if only my parents believed i like you Carly: get back to slagging me off for other shit Carly: irish at me again. i liked it Ali: Bit offended, like, have you seen me guys? I'm a sensation Carly: i dont think they know who you are sorry Ali: Tá tuillte agat ar fud an domhain, Carly Walsh Ali: at least I can dramatically ask 'em then and really fucking mean my shock horror Carly: if you don't live on site you don't exist Carly: do i need to be offended at what you're saying about me in that gay tongue twister Ali: everyone got their own bubble Ali: i found out the world extends beyond the end of my street tho but you do you lads, it is easier that way Ali: tho not safer, ask ginge 😈 Ali: i hope not Ali: was nice, promise Carly: i wanna see more of it than this Carly: like you said wheres the fun in easy Carly: shit yea shes your ronan like Carly: she gonna show herself at the bbq Carly: i believe you, you don't kno how to be anything else to me even if you should Ali: You will Ali: Make sure of it Ali: I've shown you the stars, gonna show you the wonders on this world too, scout's honour Ali: omg, so is Ali: although she doesn't occasionally come by when she's horny Ali: so we're safe Ali: she'd never trust me serving her a bevvy, like 🧙‍♀️ #witchesbrew Ali: why should I? don't be telling me what to do woman 😜 Carly: maybe she should Carly: she might be less sad and mad once she's had a ride w you Carly: you gonna play like you don't like it now Carly: just in the bedroom k hear you Ali: I'll put it out there Ali: get ready to cover my bruises this time Ali: 😏 Ali: time and a place, baby Carly: if you're showing her what real magic is she can't be mad Carly: but if she is she can go through me i got you girl Carly: wont beat me a second time like Ali: my lil million dollar baby Ali: into it Carly: your sister would be too Carly: not in the same way but would get her on side Ali: she's so on side Ali: now she knows you ain't tryna be my bosom bud like that Carly: she still dont vibe w me tho Carly: i kno it wasnt just that Ali: she's just shy, don't worry Ali: no one out here you need to impress but me and i already am Carly: what about your ma and da Carly: i kno they arent shy Carly: how do you want me to play that Ali: just be you you don't gotta do anything more or less baby Carly: im scared Ali: you don't have to be, I swear, Ma's not as bad as she 👀 and my Da's a big softie Ali: you can just come as my friend, they aren't gonna pry Carly: k Carly: i trust you Carly: itll be fun yea Ali: s2g Ali: you can meet Tommo, you'll like him Ali: and your fave will be dying for your attention, obvs Carly: mystery boy Carly: is he hot like your other brothers Ali: i'm not gonna confirm or deny 'cos bit weird Ali: also potentially rude if I nah it 'cos I reckon he ain't your type Ali: I cannot promise hot brothers making an appearance but you might get 🍀 Carly: hot sister then Carly: I dont mean my fangirl but the older one Ali: package deal with the freckly one Ali: not rock, weirddd Ali: but see, so ready with the compliments they're gonna 💚 u Carly: he's hot too Carly: & you kno i think the littlest is such a cutie Carly: but i dont wanna compliment anyone but you Ali: I'm not gonna complain about that Carly: better not cuz im almost at yours Carly: its too hot to turn around & walk back Ali: yay! Ali: lemme come get you Ali: i wanna kiss you before we have to be social Carly: i want you to kiss me whenever you feel like it Ali: might just take you up on that Carly: do cuz it means i can too Ali: deal 💚

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: Heyo boo Ali: thanks for Rocky wrangling with me today, you're now also his fave so, add that to your tally Carly: its k i had fun Carly: hes a cutie & cool kid Ali: me too Ali: yeah, he's alright, but cocky enough so I ain't telling him Ali: dunno where he gets that from 😏 Carly: ha Carly: yea idk Carly: no clue Ali: i'm sorry Ro was being off btw, I'm working out why but trust it wasn't you, babe Ali: been neglecting her lately, everyone wants a piece of me Ali: hard life Carly: idc its me too Carly: nobody wants a piece but you Ali: I just told you that ain't true, and Rocky is ruthless, he called one of my customers a 'big bum witch' the other day Ali: no tip for me, thanks dickhead Ali: but I want all of you regardless Ali: willing to throw hands Carly: aw Carly: this town is full of big bum witches tho Carly: my ma back for one Carly: but are you willing to use those hands for good too or Ali: awks if that was your Ma, like hey gurl, I think you rock it Ali: your daughter ain't bad either Ali: you know it, IOU 'cos we couldn't make like we were in the backrow of the cinema Carly: unless she been lying about where she at i think youve avoided meeting the in laws again Carly: k cuz you kno i need to collect soon Carly: bored Carly: just back and zoned out so fast Ali: ain't even got exciting stories from their galavanting? fucking rude Ali: at least when we go AWOL we also go wild Ali: make things happen, lads Carly: my ma's good for nothing but hairspray and peroxide Carly: only use if i get beat up again Carly: my da's good for cash tho if you wanna get wild w me Ali: or you wanna single white female me Ali: which would be a disappointing outcome to say the least Ali: can't tonight babe, I've gotta have some sister time Ali: go hard for both of us Carly: k Carly: try not to miss me bad when shes talking about me Ali: oh babe, she will not, and if she does I'll set her straight Ali: gonna let the world know you're my 😇 Carly: whatever her issue shes gotta air it and youre her sister so you gotta hear it Carly: idc shes not gonna hurt me w it Carly: and setting peeps straight is the opposite of how you do, babe Ali: true Ali: idk what issue she could have though, you're a literal ray of sunshine Ali: true again 😏 Ali: ugh, imma miss you Ali: maybe i can sneak out when she's gone to bed, the 'rents too Carly: i miss you now Carly: cant hear my parents say shit Carly: i just wanna talk to you Carly: dont tell me maybe & keep me waiting tho Ali: i will Ali: promise Carly: i dont wanna make trouble for you Carly: w anyone Carly: you can stay w her if you need to stay Ali: You won't Ali: I can do both Ali: be back before first light Ali: even if I'll miss watching the sun rise on your face 😔 Ali: we've got the night, baby Carly: but you kno if ive got you for the whole night youre gonna fall asleep Carly: thats what im good at Carly: feel free to tell your sister thats why you like me ha Carly: fun & tiring its magic Ali: hmm, we'll see who wears who out first, babe Ali: and if I am that husband, then you'll just have to wake me up with morning sex like the good little wifey you are 😘😂 Carly: always bringing that confidence i like it Carly: k but if my parents wake up too you can explain its a duty thing yea i had to like Ali: i like you Ali: for so many reasons and imma show you all of 'em tonight Ali: fuck that Ali: stay out with me, its warm enough Ali: i'll trace all the constellations out with my tongue so you won't ever forget Ali: educational Carly: my ma is asking me what im blushing about Carly: i told her what you said but she's not a believer Carly: support my education bitch Carly: ha Ali: i mean, i'd offer to let her see the benefits for herself but Ali: not gonna win me any brownie points 'cos she won't take me up on it Carly: she dont kno what she's missing but i do Carly: wish you were here Ali: me too Ali: start the party without me babe, i don't mind Carly: too late if you do Carly: gotta get through this reunion some way Ali: they aren't making you watch a slideshow, are they? Ali: fate worse than death Ali: Maybe you could go to Ronan's? Lmao, he's been up in my pussy way too much since he found out about us...didn't think we were THAT loud but ok boy Carly: yea Carly: might do cuz same Carly: but what if i miss you he can really make a night of it when he wants Ali: Nah, I won't let you face that disappointment, babe Ali: my spidey senses will tingle like not on my watch, fuckboy Carly: aw Carly: you gonna come get me? Carly: thats no way to get him out your pussy babe fyi Ali: yeah Ali: I know but I like the idea of showing you off as mine Ali: but no sharing, he only gets to watch and be mad he fucked it up Carly: i like it too Carly: youre hot when youre oneupping fuckboys Carly: i thought i knew how to do it best but k youre flipping the script Ali: as long as i'm besting them i'm doing my job right Ali: gotta keep you on-board Carly: speak of the devil Carly: how he know i was alone & horny Carly: my parents have only gone to the shops its uncanny Ali: know your neighbours but bit stalkerish, pal Ali: i'll text him to fuck off, freak him out Ali: how does she know, ha, two can play this game fucko and I'm more committed Carly: ha Carly: you gotta Carly: hes smoking im gonna bum one see what line he tries to lay on before the text sends Ali: On it Ali: gotta let him know there's a queue to court the princess now and he's at the back, soz Carly: he likes hitting it from the back he wont be put off Carly: im gonna show him some of the hot pics i took of you tho Ali: when is he ever tbf? 🐶👅💦 Carly: true Carly: that fucking cute tho aren't i Ali: you know it babe Carly: hes talking to my da now Carly: kill me Ali: how fucking dare he Ali: knowing he has the upper hand with the man bants Ali: i know how to change a tire too! love me! Carly: if my ma invites him in for tea im out of here Carly: she will think hes hot under the collar for her & bitch thats my groundwork Ali: Run baby run Ali: what kinda moron is he tho Ali: coulda had a private show if you just waited, now its all saturday night telly and flat lager Carly: you kno i have nowhere to go if you dont want me babe Carly: facts Carly: he likes me now he cant have me what a fucking Carly: like i wouldve fucked you but im not getting w you Ali: i do, is this full sos crisis mode though? 'cos i need to be good for a lil while longer yet Ali: such a typical bloke move that Ali: bet he ain't the only boy in ur inbox, not a pun Ali: 'cos he ain't in mine like 🙄 Carly: its k your sister needs you Carly: i can keep walking Carly: loads of other lads on site as well as in my inbox Carly: & they arent trying to say hi to me before we get down to it nevermind my parents Ali: 😾 Carly: why so sad blue eyed boo Ali: i don't like how lads treat you Ali: i'm not jealous, like swear to god, even though i obviously want you all to myself, i get it Ali: but i'm not about how shit they are to you, even if you don't care, they should care to be decent humans Carly: thats not lads its everyone Carly: youre the only one treating me different Carly: they dont know how else to be Carly: made my bed babe Ali: nah Ali: you don't deserve half the shit you get, that's bullshit Ali: and even the rest, people just don't wanna try to understand or be good, heaven forfend they inconvineince themselves for one second, like Carly: if im a slag im a slag i dont get to put conditions on it Carly: if it was a film maybe Carly: but theres no romance coming my way from theres and i dont want it Ali: why can't you just be you? someone who likes fucking, among other things Ali: not romance just like...not being a cunt Ali: idk Ali: pisses me off Carly: cuz you don't run the world even tho you strut it like you do and i love it Ali: not yet, babe Ali: one day, and you can be my right hand woman Carly: yea? Carly: take me w you & ill take you to all your fave places k Ali: k Ali: we'll be fun forever, I promise you Carly: gotta be Ali: you know i like you even when you ain't tho Ali: don't tell Carly: who would i Carly: ronans got enough for his wank bank & nobody else is chatting to me rn Ali: exactly, ruins the illusion and fantasy when they realise i care about you Ali: so unsexy of me Carly: youre sexy to me Carly: idc what they think Ali: good Ali: me either Carly: i like you too you kno Ali: yeah Ali: i had my suspicions Carly: i dont have any subtlety sorry about it Ali: Don't be Ali: I love it Ali: not enough people say what they mean or want, ever Carly: waste Carly: k i wasnt shouting how bad i wanted to kiss you before i did but not cuz i was bothered about me Ali: agreed Ali: sometimes you can't know you want something until you've got it Ali: i get it Carly: you get me Carly: its weird Ali: 🔮 Carly: ha Carly: k what am i thinking now Ali: wouldn't be proper to say Ali: tut tut bad girl Ali: like how you think though Carly: fuck Carly: youre good Ali: 🤷 don't mean to brag but remember that phrase you'll be screaming it later Ali: such a Ronan line, I can't 😂 Carly: but true Carly: not like when he says it Ali: 😍 Carly: what you doing w your sister Carly: gotta live through that cuz bored Ali: Fixing my weave Ali: getting into a white girl dread territory over here Ali: then gonna do some 🔮 forreal Ali: get ready for me to be even more of a know it all baby Carly: cute Carly: tell me my future i got some shit from another neighbor & im waiting for it to kick Carly: hows it gonna treat me Carly: needing a good trip Ali: we'll see who gets the answer first Ali: you got anything for me? Carly: yea Carly: they mystery but i kno you arent scared Carly: & you got me doing a test run rn lying on here on the grass Ali: 🌌 be there before it fades away my space explorer Carly: if you find me at a bad end prob dont take it Ali: is one of the lads trip sitting you Carly: so he reckons but hes drinking so theres no trust Carly: & he gave me it Carly: his game could be me lights out idk Ali: keep texting me, okay babe? Ali: if shit gets too real, tell me and I'll come early Ali: my sis is cool now, she gets what we're doing, she was just confused Carly: aw Carly: youre sweet Carly: you told her you like me Ali: 'course I did Ali: I ain't ashamed Ali: I'm proud Carly: youre gonna make me cry Ali: You're special, Carly Ali: You're gonna see Carly: I just wanna see you tho Ali: Me too Ali: I'm gonna make her some chamomile tea and then I'm coming, yeah? Carly: but thats not fair to her Carly: she's not gonna be a fan of me Ali: I've promised her more time tomorrow Ali: You need me rn Carly: but what if i want you to stay Carly: what are we gonna do then Ali: i'll stay until you're ready for me to go Carly: you mean that? Ali: yes Ali: promise, imma take care of you Carly: but theres nothing in it for you Carly: youve already got me you dont have to Ali: i wanna keep you Ali: and not just selfishly Ali: you gotta stick around, you're too cool to go anywhere, okay Carly: k Carly: im here & if you wanna be im not stopping you Ali: good Ali: i wanna be wherever you are Carly: i kept you pills back the lads didnt want me to but idc about them & you can follow me in now Ali: fuck them Ali: just me and you Carly: yea Carly: ill look after you too Ali: 😇 Ali: i know, i trust you Carly: idk if you should Carly: but i like it Ali: willing to take my chances Ali: you're worth it Carly: thats you Ali: i'm so glad i met you Carly: me too Carly: not that i met me thats weird Carly: you know what i mean Ali: i got you Ali: not high yet 😉 Carly: id seen you around before you guardian angel'd me that night Carly: thats weird too Carly: that i didnt see you how i do now Ali: it is Ali: you were always cute but Ali: idk, i can't claim to have seen this in my crystal ball Carly: thats cuz i wasnt cute i was a state Carly: & youd have more likely seen me sucking ronans dick Carly: look away babe you dont need to have that image in your mind Ali: don't need him reckoning he plays part in any of my fantasies, nah Ali: you can't not be cute, no matter how you try, soz babe Carly: you can't not be so sweet to me can you Ali: dunno Ali: not tried Carly: idk what id do if you did Carly: i got used to it Ali: got no plans to stop Ali: unless you ask me to, like Carly: thats not gonna be what i ask you to do Carly: trust me Ali: you can tell me all about it Ali: 5 minutes, tops Carly: okay