#is it because of my autism where i associate romance with touch and am afraid i am too unempathetic to have a chance? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

extra-flamey · 5 years

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Nissa Revane: Actually Autistic (why accurate representation matters (featuring gruulfriends))

This entire post is actually in response to @jiangyanggu‘s post about Chandra/Nissa being an adhd/autistic wlw power couple. I wholeheartedly agree! Go gruulfriends! But there was more I wanted to say about this, especially about Nissa. I don’t usually attempt a big post like this, because I’m not that great at putting my feelings into words. But with something so near and dear to me, I wanted to at least give it a try and put my thoughts out there.

(Warning: personal story + character analysis under the cut. If you wanna skip my ‘backstory’ and go straight to the analysis, you can skip the first 5 paragraphs.)

I’m a woman on the spectrum who was diagnosed late (about 17 years old). I was having trouble in school way before that because I was nauseous on a daily basis (which, in hindsight, was caused by being in a constant state of stress) and had to stay back a year since I couldn’t keep up anymore by just showing up once every three weeks. Without getting into too much detail: after a couple years of weekly visits to all sorts of doctors and therapists, I was finally diagnosed with autism.

With the diagnosis a lot of things changed. Unfortunately, these changes weren’t all that positive at first. The first thing that took a hit was my self-esteem. While it wasn’t all that high to begin with, hearing people at school use your disability as a slur really does something to you. Along with that I had to switch schools, because for some reason they don’t take kindly to students staying back two years in a row. My new school was one for people with autism as well as other similar disabilities. This should have been great, but it wasn’t. I was still too nauseous to attend. Also, while changing school I had lost a lot of friends and I couldn’t exactly make new ones because when I was present, I was too afraid to talk to anyone. Finally, to put a cherry on top of the shit cake, my family was under the impression that I was misdiagnosed and didn’t actually have autism.

But nearing end of that school year, two things happened. 1: I finally went to a psychiatrist who was able to prescribe me fluoxetine. Originally used to battle depression, but for me it helped get rid of the constant fear and stress which lifted the nausea entirely. And 2: I got into Magic. Hello, new special interest!

Let’s fast forward a few months with the release of Kaladesh. It was around this time I started following the story as well. And I’m so glad I did.

This is where Nissa comes in. I liked her before I started reading the stories. I’m a green player at heart and really like elves. Funnily enough, I was already shipping her with Chandra, because as a lesbian I’m always looking for two female characters to ship. The thing about just playing the game though, is that you don’t get to see a lot of personality from its characters.

So... reading.

The first one I read was of course ‘Homesick’. The first thing I noticed (besides Chandra being adorable) was this:

And in addition:

I’m instantly on high alert. For most people with autism (including myself) being touched can be extremely uncomfortable. Nissa reacting in this manner is a huge possible indicator. And can we also take a moment to appreciate the way in which Gideon handles the situation?

Then later we get this scene from Chandra’s perspective:

Other than this being the initial gruulfriends scene that got me hooked, the eye contact part really stood out to me. Again, for a lot of people on the spectrum, making eye contact is really uncomfortable as well. Some refrain from it altogether. Since eye contact is such a crucial part in communication though, it’s one of the first things you have to learn if you want to get better at connecting with people. However, what you usually get when you start out is the staring. Seeing as Nissa has lived alone for most of her life, she likely didn’t have to bother learning how to make eye contact until she joined the Gatewatch.

And for my next point:

I don’t know about you, but this sounds exactly like sensory overload to me. To me, this is one of the worst parts, if not the worst part of being autistic. There isn’t really anything you can do about it other than seclude yourself from anything and everything. For anybody unfamiliar: I like to think of it as every sound, noise, smell, etc, being amplified until your brain short-circuits. Remember what I said about the constant stress and fear that made me nauseous? Sensory overload plays a huge role there.

Now for the last point I wanted to bring up (this time from ‘Renewal’, the last installment for Aether Revolt):

The awkwardness of communication. Not knowing how to talk to people, how to put your thoughts into words. Misunderstanding which usually comes from being unable to read between the lines. Or, also a fun thing, leaving out information because you think it’s obvious while it really isn’t.

And I also wanted to include this:

Because I think it’s beautiful to see how far Nissa is willing to go for Chandra, to be with her.

I let my mother read these snippets and you know what she said? “That’s you.”

So here we’ve got a character who I like, look up to and can relate to. The latter had never happened to me before when it came to characters with autism. They’d always have this ‘redeeming quality’ of being a genius; something associated with autism, but there’s a small percentage that’s notably great at something. Other things to consider are how the characters portrayed are usually male or that they’re usually ‘straight’ but struggle in the romance department. Nissa seems to defy all of these ‘rules’ (if they actually go through with what they’ve set up between Nissa and Chandra).

Now I know an argument against the previously mentioned reasons would be that not all symptoms I have pointed out exclusively apply to autistic people and that’s true. However, with so many things that are typical for people on the spectrum, it’s hard not to see the pattern.

So, Nissa has helped me accept who I am as a person. Helped me accept the difficult things I struggle with on an almost daily basis. I’m not filled with constant self-loathing because I can’t do everything I’d want to do. There’s just things I need a little more time with and that’s okay. This is why I’m so grateful for her. I fear for her though. It appears as though Wizards is done with her. I hope this isn’t the case, and that she’ll survive War of the Spark and live happily ever after with her girlfriend, Chandra (a girl can dream).

Thank you so much for reading this long rant-like... whatever this is. If you want to discuss something said in this post, or just to chat, my inbox is always open.

#nissa revane #mtg #chandra nalaar #gruulfriends #mtgwar #magic the gathering #temurmaids #actually autistic #autism #asd #this took all day and i'm tired but i wanted to say something before it's too late

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