#it was cuz i promised myself i would die at 18 and haven’t and adulthood sounds like fucking hell and is it

[canthandlethishit]

random cringe fail moment when i was 11 i wrote “i wanna kms” on my wrist in Romanian and my ex-bestfriend thought i was cheating for our quiz that day when she caught the writing

i told her it wasn’t anything didn’t meant anything but anyhow i haven’t died yet boo hoo, she was also convinced by my aloof funny jokester friend act and thought i was weird for not being visibly upset during our friendship and she dumped me cuz she thought i was a sociopath like i masked wayyyyy too good for a kid that wanted to kill themself every breathing moment and was actively suffering from an ED <- BROOOO I JUST REMEMBERED SOMEONE THOUGHT I GOT DIABETES FROM MY SUDDEN WEIGHT LOSS hahahah it was the trying to kill myself slowly and loss of appetite from the depression suicidal insomnia body dysphoria (the “someone” also bullied me for being “fat”) and idk some other shit bitch was fucked up luckily during my teenage years i found this cool fun compartmentalize, forget spell and also disassociation

i dont think much was up back then tbh i can’t remember anything aside from the internal monologue of kys and the sadness was too great it fucked up my memories i think i can only remember vague timelines and snippets

#extra i cried + disassociated for the entirety of my 18 birthday and didn’t do anything to celebrate because i felt guilty for not being #dead yet #it was cuz i promised myself i would die at 18 and haven’t and adulthood sounds like fucking hell and is it #good thing my tuition fee is keeping me alive i literally paid i cannot dropout atp it would be a waste #fun fun fun how to cease existence via knife and pain and go directly to hell #vent #tw suicide mention #tw suicidal #tw kms mention #dysphor #tw vent #tw depression #tw