#it's a cw show of course it doesn't make sense. compels me though

[verdantmeadows]

This is a very serious/heavy vent but I'm on mobile so I can't do read more, CW for suicidal ideation and accusations of sexual harassment

Okay so I go to a very alternative school, there's kids as young as like 7 and ones as old as 21. For those who don't know, a 14 year old, who was one of my friends before this, accused me of sexual harassment. This completely ruined my social life there and I faced a lot of bullying. I've had constant nightmares about it since then. But I've stayed strong and true to myself no matter what people think about me.

I decided I wanted to try joining sewing club, but they're a member of it. So now me joining is an issue going to administration and I don't even know why. I didn't do anything. If they're uncomfortable with me there, then that's their problem!!!! I was told I wasn't going to be punished at all for this situation, but the fact I have to wait for "approval" to join a club is punishment in itself.

Now that the issue is going to admin, I'm terrified. I'm terrified this issue is gonna be brought up again and I'll be punished this time. I don't want to have to go to court for libel just because my stupid ass decided he wanted to join sewing club when I knew this person was a member. I just wanted to let this stay dead and buried.

I don't want to be punished for something I didn't do. It was already enough being told I was disgusting and to kill myself by other students.

And the fear hasn't gone away that when I'm older, and I'm doing stuff in my career of choice, that they'll bring this up and say that I did these things to them, when I didn't. And people are going to believe them. Of course they are. Because they're way younger than me. And you're supposed to always believe the victims. No one is going to believe I didn't do those things.

I'm honestly at the point where I don't know if I'm just going through suicidal ideation or I want to make plans to kill myself. Before this, I already had awful intrusive thoughts that I was a pedophile and that my hypersexuality is making me be a creep without even knowing. And now that this happened, I feel like it came true. I feel constantly disgusted with myself. My intrusive fears of being a sexual predator and creep now feel like they were confirmed, even though logically I know I'm not.

I just don't know what to do. I just want to graduate school. I don't know why this had to happen. My last year of school like this was messed up because of this. I'm so scared. This could affect the rest of my life. It really could. I have to live in constant fear now that one day, they'll somehow bring this up on a larger scale, call me out publicly, especially when I'm working as an adult in my career of choice. And that everyone is going to think I'm those things and turn on me. This is a very real possibility and I'm terrified. I'm so scared.

I don't want that to happen. I can't ever achieve my dreams without the fear and very real possibility they'll say I did things I didn't and people are going to believe them. They already did. And when they accused me, they refused to show proof. To the point that my school administrators that talked with me about the situation don't even know what they accused me of specifically. Just that I was sexually harassing them. I was told that it had been verbally in like, around August, which doesn't even make sense, because I barely talked to them at all in August. Based on what I know, they were compelled to do this by other students as revenge for a falling out we had. I had also been distancing myself because I was no longer comfortable with being friends with someone that much younger than me, plus they were super toxic. They literally got jealous over me liking fictional characters. When one, they were fictional, and two, they're 14. The specifics don't even matter. Now I'm just ranting about them as a person. I'm failing several of my classes and have barely done any assignments and this is my last semester of school. I feel like there's no point to any of it.

I don't even know what the point of working towards my dreams and goals are if this could happen at any time. Everybody at my school already believed them about what happened. I feel disgusting and I honestly don't know if it's just feeling at this point. I feel like I deserve to die. I don't know what to do. I don't know how much longer I can be strong. I've had great support from friends and family, but I don't know what else to do. I'm so scared.

#book of kells #suicidal ideation cw #vent cw

[roxyandelsewhere]

So I’m once again stuck thinking about the biggest underlying horror of spn’s worldbuilding, the one that’s been hiding in plain sight since day one: it’s all people. Hunters hunt people the most dangerous game of all. Maybe some so-called “monsters” being Just Some Guy was at first for budget reasons, but they stuck with it and it’s part of the world, and others are by definition people. You may get bitten and you become a werewolf or a vampire, but you’re still a person. Tom Lastname gets bitten, Tom’s a werewolf now. Still human, still Tom.

I’ve wrote about this as there being different subspecies of humans, and a follow-up to that way of looking at it can be this:

The first humans were Adam and Eve.

Eve is the mother of all monsters.

Therefore, all monsters are the offspring of a human. Their father is irrelevant, everything they are comes from Eve. We’re told/shown Eve is a monster in her own right, and so many theology essays could be written about that. But surely the part of her that’s as human as Adam passed on to her offspring. For genetics purposes let’s say Eve’s mitochondrial DNA is monstrous (hers was the first ever, the one thing God himself didn’t have because as a human he’s a man, and neither did Adam, and it’s a part of her all of her offspring have).

Conclusion: “monsters” are all at least partly human. It’s all people. Including leviathans. Which explains why they all have the ability to be Just Some Guy. Part human part monster. How balanced and united are those parts?

The way monsters come to be a very funny and inconsistent thing. Some were birthed (physically or metaphysically, we’re left to wonder) by Eve as what they are. Dragons, shtriga, leviathans, etc. Others become monsters, not because it was something latent within them but because something happened to them, something that can happen to anybody. But the show tells us those are Eve’s children too. So how does it work? Do vampirism and lycanthropy and others like them function as viruses but have Eve’s mitochondrial DNA? Is the child of Eve the thing that infects each new monster? Or was Eve’s child simply patient zero of these infections, and the first time they bit someone they turned part of that person into the monstrous part of themselves? Is biting the transmissal of an infection or a sort of Midas touch, like “I touch you in this way and now part of you is me”? In that case, are all vampires and werewolves replicas of the first ones? Going back to monsters as the sum of two parts, are all vampires’ monstrous parts the same individual, for example? Is there a vampire Self, or just a human Self living in the same body as something that’s just Vampire?

1x06 Skin can be an answer to this. That ep did many things, and one of them was prove monsters have a Self. Shapeshifters were born shapeshifters, but there’s a Self that is unmistakeably human, which suggests the two are one, a whole from the sum of its parts. Does that meld with the human Self of someone who gets bitten or are the two at war? Is there a human Self that is forever stuck in Purgatory after they die, too?

But here’s the part I’m trying to get at: monsters have souls. I’ve said that grace is blood+God’s Light and therefore humans are angels without that light, but I also think that light isn’t a stark line separating the two. Cas became Godstiel fueled by souls, so on a soul level, humans must have something angel grace has too. And if humans do, guess what: so do monsters. All souls have something akin to grace. Like I’ve said before, for better or worse, Eve’s children have something holy.

God creates Adam and Eve as people. People are partly holy, because all creations have a part of their creator in them. Eve is a monster. Eve births more monsters. All monsters are partly people. All monsters are partly holy.

Hunters hunt things and save people. Hunters say “Monsters, simply put, are supernatural creatures that prey on humans.” Hunters hunt and kill people. Monsters are human and hunters are monsters. They send the humanness and holiness that lives inside monsters to Purgatory. Cas devours that holiness and becomes God.

There can only be one God. The souls go back to Purgatory. Nothing changes.

#another way too long post from yours truly hello #the brainrot is real i'm so sorry but i really am stuck on this concept. it's probably not even my last post on this and i'm sorry ahead #spn #spnmeta #spn meta #mine #people who know more about the bible than me are more qualified to analyze making eve a monster AND the mother of all monsters #but what comes after. what comes as a consequence of that #it's a cw show of course it doesn't make sense. compels me though #dragons and shapeshifters and vampire infectors have the same ancestor!!! bible aside it's impossible for humans not to be children of eve #in the spn universe #they have the same mother!! they're the astronauts and the alien in umberto eco's the three astronauts!! it's them!! #anyways like i said last time i'd be happy thinking just about destiel but i cannot stop thinking about the Other in spn #and monsters and humans saying mama in their languages and realizing they're all saying mama #also apologies for linking the god fucks manifesto again when that bit didn't need a reference #but it's still the piece of writing i'm proudest of #so i'm gonna be annoying with it bc i'm rarely proud of my own writing at all #edit: just wanna add that there were some things in this post that i don't think i articulated well so i made an addition #and it's the post that comes right after this one in the /mine tag #didn't wanna add to this post bc it would have gotten too long