#it's the space dwellers singing in my ears at night its the dead bodies wailing at my door

[elytrafemme]

i wish i wasn’t so damn tired all the time. because all i want to do right now is get my ass out of bed and tear through every fucking baby tape i have, interrogate every person i have ever known, send my therapist a letter even though i’m seeing her tomorrow and just sear through everything so that maybe at the end of all that effort i can figure out the memory that i am missing. every time i try to give being a decent person another shot i remember that other people know what their childhoods were like and aren’t chasing after this same goddamn memory, and i realize what everyone must be thinking of me, and i get so angry. it’s like that movie memento, or well, the short story it’s based on memento mori. every day it’s like i’m waking up to a different person on the side of my fucking bed and every day i’m like. i get angry over the same shit i’m mad that other people can remember what i am so desperately trying to figure out and i swear to God if i wasn’t so tired this would all be easier. i spend all my energy hating my friends and i cannot say it enough there’s no worse feeling than having so many friends and knowing you’re doomed to fuck up all those friendships because you hate most of your friends. i hate all my fucking friends half the time the other half i love them but it makes it so hard. and i wake up hoping it’ll change shit and i wake up a whole new person but i’m still looking. i’m fucking earl with it written all over my body for anyone else to see and yet i am still unable to remember my own wife’s funeral and it’s my fucking funeral i am always late to. and sometimes i think well goddammit Mare the only way you’re going to get out of this is if you stop at no lengths to drudge up this memory, I swear I have thought about doing whatever it takes to fucking ruin the lives of the alters i coexist with and i actually have like made their lives miserable just in hopes one of them will cough it up. i take their friends away and i refuse to let anyone front except klav and i don’t even try to talk to them anymore. i would do anything to just know what happened because there is no goddamn way that you all are going to lock me in a white room and tell me that after seventeen fucking years of this that the reason i was born all fucked up was because there was something in my genetics and there is no goddamn way you’re going to tell me that every fucking four year old girl back in 2009 was like that and it’s like that other book i haven’t read the fucking one with the rabbits and the mice prince of a thousand enemies that’s me. and i swear to God you all are trying to make a sammy out of me and i won’t do that shit. i won’t let you fucking win. i won’t let you win so long as i can get out of bed.

#neg #negative #do not reblog #like I will seriously come after you I'm fucking done #vent #nightmare.vent #it's fine it's fine I have therapy tomorrow it's fine all of you can say shit on this app #but when I do it it's ohhhh Mare have you considered this have you considered that #you speak for us yeah well I don't speak for shit #I can't speak anymore nobody fucking knows me here #I don't know me here I wake up to a fucking stranger in my bed #and she wears my clothes and answers MY FRIEND's texts #and she calls herself my fucking name but she's not me #i need to start taping shit to my walls writing letters i can HEAR people trying to get through to me #i KNOW that so many fucking people are trying to get me out #it's the space dwellers singing in my ears at night its the dead bodies wailing at my door #its that fucking kid who I swear to God this world will end with one of us standing over the others body #never let me in that fucking state. anyway. #everything i do is because i want to love people you have no idea how much i want #to fucking love my friends that's it that's all #it's the easiest goddamn thing in the world and i can't fucking do it #nothnig lasts nothing everf ucking lasts #i'm gonna go looking for john g again and i'm never going to find him i always knew that #unreality tw #unreality #well you know what. night's still young. #let me go back to knocking on the devil's door and seeing if she has any answers for me.