#ive been awful at establishing boundaries in past relationships and i didnt feel like my boundaries mattered to at least one ex so its

[catgirlwizard]

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#personal #its ridiculous how i was so depressed 2 days ago and then my partner was like. whay if i came over right now even though #its almost midnight. and what if i slept over at your house for 3 nights in a row. and now im sitting here having eaten breakfast for the #first time in like 4 weeks and feeling happy waiting for him to wake up so we can shower together and were #gonna go on a build-a-bear date and i no longer feel like i deserve to d*e with him here #hes just so sweet and i love him a lot and im really lucky to have him in my life <3 ive never been in a relationship where i felt this #safe and comfortable and accepted before and i know he hasnt either and its just nice #definitely helps that were both trans autistic queers with parental trauma so theres a lit about each other that we understand without #needing to explain it in depth #but also he really values communication and even thiigh im so used to shutting all my feelings off and not telling people about them #im trying really hard to not do that with him and its? nice not bottling everything up for once? #he really listens to me when i talk and tries to understand and respect my boundaries all the time and its realy nice to have that #ive been awful at establishing boundaries in past relationships and i didnt feel like my boundaries mattered to at least one ex so its #a nice change of pace to have someone go out of their way to make me feel reapected and valued like thay #and thats not even mentioning all the hot gay transgender sex we have because like. both being on t kind of makes that a necessity dhdjdjdj #its just nice having him in my life and feeling loved and cared for and getting to love and care for him back and im so lucky #that everything fell into place for us to date each other because i really dont know what id have done without him this past half a year #this is so long fhdjsjsjsj im just waoting for him to get up and feeling emotional about how much of a good influence he is in my life <333

[slutaktion]

oh man that was the more important part. Ok I'll try to summarize again. So as a teenager I sadly made out and even had sex with a lot of strangers. I dont exactly know why I did it but it always left me feeling horrible afterwards. I felt dirty and like I had let myself get used. I stayed away from dating a long time but now I fell in love with this boy (i am girl btw) and even sex with him feels this way. I talked to him and he understand but I'm not sure what to do now

(2/2) how yo move past this. My parents are divorced and my family is messed up so I never really got to see a loving relationship growing up. I have been thinking about going to therapy but I dont know if that is possible. I guess I was just wondering of any of you have any ideas how to stop connecting sex to feeling like I let myself get used by someone else. Or idk maybe some of you can relate in any way

hey anon!

first, rest assured - its absolutely possible to move past sexual trauma like the kind youre describing. im guessing youre still young, & i can guarantee it doesnt stop there. theres a lot you can do from here.

first, a bit of context - i can actually relate to your story a lot. when i was a teen i had a few sexual encounters with older men i didnt know at all and it left me feeling.. well, best way i can describe it is like a slab of meat. i really didnt feel like a person. ill probably talk about these experiences another time but it could be really upsetting so ill avoid it rn.

ive had relationships since then, and dealing w my relationship to sex has been a whole trip. i think now, though, i can say im okay. heres why:

1. i only get into sexual encounters when i want to be having them. i engage, and i dont go along with anything i dont want. if i dont want something done to me, then i wont let it be done. that wasnt something i had control over as a teenager. when i said “stop”, there was no guarantee itd stop. when i said “i dont want you to do this”, the guy i was with would still try to do it. as a result ive found it really important… first not to sleep with random guys again, which isnt your problem here. but also, with partners i know, to establish clear boundaries before anything happens, to have communication, and to make sure the person understands what they can or cant do. basically: you need to have a talk about what youre okay with or not. and that means…

2. you need to figure out what youre okay with or not! getting back into a sex life with men, i realized one thing: i wont bottom. i dont want to, the thought of doing it makes me feel bad. right now i wont do it. maybe in the future i will - maybe i never will again. that means i dont want someone to finger me, i dont want someone to eat me out, and i dont want someone to fuck me. those are clear boundaries i have and that must be established with partners. those boundaries will depend on the person. ive known trauma survivors who, at the inverse of me, are incapable of taking charge during sex and need to be lead and guided by a partner. for me, i need to take a role of being in control.

if youre a woman who wants to have sex with a man, you (and him too) may have a lot of preconceptions about what that means. the truth is: if your partner has a penis, it doesnt need to penetrate you. if you have a vagina, he doesnt have to touch it with his hands, or with any other part of his body. you dont have to remove any item of clothing you dont want to. you dont have to perform anything you dont feel like performing. and you can still enjoy sex and intimacy if you figure out what youre comfortable with and what you want to be doing and remove anything that isnt okay.

it doesnt have to be forever; maybe you need to start out with specific boundaries and then you can move past them with time, when youre comfortable and able to trust your partner fully. maybe you wont, and those are the things you want to be doing and nothing else. no matter what, you have every right to your boundaries.

3. all of this means: i realized i had full agency over the kind of sex i have and what happens.

making decisions about what happens during sex, taking charge, and even putting myself in a position of control where im leading the sex and im the one pleasuring my partner, also means i never feel like sex is something thats just being done to me. i dont feel like a tool being used for someone elses pleasure. or a slab of meat. my view of sex is no longer something men perform upon me, but its an intimate moment where i take care of my partner. knowing that internally has absolutely helped. but sometimes its hard to know that internally.

4. you may not have processed the trauma. sex may be triggering a trauma response in you. in that case: yes, therapy can help. if you can have therapy, id absolutely recommend you try it. however if you cant go to therapy, its not the end of the world. truth be told? ive never been able to discuss my sexual trauma in depth with a therapist. theres just never been enough trust in a relationship between me & a therapist to where i felt comfortable describing what happened. but a lot of dealing with trauma in therapy isnt really the fact that youre talking about it to a therapist - its that youre talking about it. so if youre able, id say talking about what happened, how you felt, your fears now, etc to a trusted loved one can help. it can be a friend, a partner - if theres someone you feel comfortable talking to & you trust to listen, that could be them. talking to anyone can already be a huge help.

a therapist can help you figure out coping mechanisms & generally will be trained to handle trauma more than a loved one will be but it doesnt mean the help of your community isnt relevant.

5. finally, if you just cant get sex to feel better - if sex is a chore, if sex always feels awful, if sex reinforces trauma - its okay to not have sex. you dont owe sex to anyone. if you dont want to have sex, or the harm that having it will bring you outweighs any desire, then you dont have to have it. it doesnt make you broken or unworthy or anything else. youre allowed to not want sex.

hope it helps

-rezki

hi anon! 

i don’t have similar experiences to yours, but as someone who used to (and sometimes still has) have a very hard time voicing boundaries, something that can really help is to agree to a safeword and to what it means exactly. obviously if you say ‘no’, ‘stop’, ‘give me a minute’ etc they should still be respected, but sometimes it’s easier to blurt out, idk, “coconut”, than to say “i need to take a break but i would like your emotional support”. make sure to give yourself some time to feel better and then try to talk through what happened.

best of luck xx

-lilacs

#Anonymous #sex after trauma #boundaries #safe words #m/f #rezki #lilacs #long post