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originaljediinjeans · 5 years

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The first time I saw The Avengers (2012):

I was recovering from my first real big fight with depression. Right at the start of the second semester of my sophomore year of college I had a huge emotional collapse. One of the reasons I survived was because of watching Iron Man, Iron Man 2, Thor, and CATFA with my roommates. But the main reason I survived was because they were some of the best girls in the world and I’m so glad that God sent them to me

The first showing I went to I went with a current roommate and one of her friends--he was my friend too by that time.

That was also my first time ever riding public transit. We went to the mall on the other side of town.

The second showing, I did go with two of the roommates from that last apartment. (Fun fact: another one of those girls went on Study Abroad to Spain and she got to see Los Vengadores in theaters like two days before it came out in the US. Can you say celosas!)

I had seen the previews but I had no idea that this movie would change my life, again. And that it would change the world.

I also already knew that the MCU had deeper themes, but I had no idea that I would get SO MUCH out of The Avengers

Characters that Impacted Me: Loki I wasn’t in fangirl love with him yet. That would wait until Thor 2. Maybe even later. But Loki’s speeches about human weakness sounded so much like the evil voices in my head that had plagued me the previous semester when I had questioned everything I cared about. Loki was Satan. And I quote his entire speech in Stuttgart: Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made to be ruled. In the end, you will always kneel. My mind was trying to rule me.

Clint Barton First thing, Loki uses the mind stone to take over Barton. He makes Barton do things he normally would never do. Kill people. Hurt people. Attack the people he cares about. For months I had struggled with inner thoughts that lashed out violently against every person I was attached to. And I was terrified of those thoughts becoming real. My OCD/Depression manifested my worst fears and wanted to make me into a person I was not. People say that Hawkeye got jipped in this movie but I disagree: he was my worst fears and my mental illness playing out on the big screen. And then he came out of it. And he saved the world.

(Maybe that’s the real reason I cosplay Natasha, because I hate it when people talk trash about Barton)

Natasha Romanoff Her first fight scene in the movie is so awesome. Good grief. I had seen Iron Man 2 but it wasn’t until The Avengers that Nat made an impression on me. It was the ‘Red in her Ledger” speech--that little show of vulnerability to manipulate Loki. Everything I had been through felt like “red in my ledger.”

I was really struck by her compassion: the empathy she expresses to Barton in recovery; her trying to keep Bruce from going Hulk and then warning the mechanics to get the heck away; her and Clint rescuing civilians in New York; and then telling Eric Selvig that what he had done wasn’t his fault.

Also, when I came out of the first showing I talked to my roommate about her like, what if she’s related to Anastasia because the last name, ya know? After a while I felt like that was kind of stupid. So I put that theory aside...until recently. Maybe not that recently.

Regardless of whether or not Nat is actual royalty, she has always been a Queen to me ever since

Phil Coulson Coulson was the first MCU character I ever obsessed over, but even then it was nowhere on the level I’ve been at with Bucky for the last...we’re going on five years now, I think. But he was just so cute and so nice and so funny and his death pained me a little. As soon as the #CoulsonLives movement came around I was converted. When I decided for personal reasons to not watch Agents of SHIELD it was hard. But then I got a great idea for my own #CoulsonLives story so the rest is history. It’s just he was such a friend to all the Avengers and he felt like my friend, too.

Bruce Banner It’s probably beating a dead horse to say this, but having a mental illness is like, well, living with the Hulk. It was this dark side of me that came out and it scared me. And it came out and it attacked me and it made me attack people. Sometimes it was like the Mind Stone controlling me, as I said earlier. But sometimes it was just blind rage. “That’s my secret, Cap: I’m always angry.” BOY I FELT THAT.

And I think it may have been as early as the next day but the next time I went to group therapy I told everyone about The Avengers (I was doing some kind of therapy 2-3 days a week. It was intense but I needed it and it helped). I told them about Clint and I told them about Bruce. I may have told them more. But I told them that the biggest superhero movie ever had made an emotional impact on me because I saw the characters acting out my mental illness experience onscreen and symbolically defeated it

"Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." ~G.K. Chesterson/Neil Gaiman (Source)

And that’s how representation works folks: not just people who look like you but people who’ve been through what you’ve been through

I took “Love is for children” pretty literally the first time I saw it. I only shipped Clintasha later because everybody else on the internet was doing it. Even when I first started writing fanfic I had them dating. But, to be honest, I really like Clint having a family and having that tight platonic brother/sister relationship with Nat. Actually a lot cooler. And it fit better with my fanfic because my Jedi OC becomes Clint’s adopted cousin and it made more sense for Laura and the little Bartons to be part of that relationship russos what have you done to them

For a while after Avengers first came out, I shipped Cap with the Waitress. Maybe that’s who I should have shipped him with all along. But if you really think about it, him hooking up with a random waitress is a long shot. It makes even less sense than Sharon, if Sharon doesn’t make sense at all.

#personal #reminisces #the avengers #college #mental illness

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unproduciblesmackdown · 6 years

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there was an ask list but instead of reblogging it im just doing the thing where i answer it all and put it here under a readmore

what mythical creature do you wish actually existed? idk i like griffins but i feel like thats boring b/c they dont like have any Powers...

soundcloud or vinyls? i dont rly use either lol

what book does everyone right now need to read? whatever they want i have no huge recs. i like the ashbury high / brookfield series & thats kinda unknown but thats it

do you like wearing other people’s shirts/jackets? its not much of a thrill...i guess im neutral but it has to fit me for starters

what was the best thing that happened to you this month? i donno. watched some stuff, had ppl compliment me

what’s a promise you’ve recently made to yourself? i periodically tell myself to care less about various shit

would you rather be the sky, the ocean or the forests? i guess the sky....clouds are nice. the ocean is full of heinous shit and the abyss. the forest can be kinda iffy too and also cut down

would you kiss the last person you kissed again? i havent kissed anybody romantically* so its not really an issue for me

do you plan your outfits? rarely

how do you feel right now? eh theres the usual undercurrents of misery and frustration but that’s just bg noise most of the time. im alright i suppose

what’s the last dream you remember having? well i was having trouble driving, which is a frequent dream, because it was a bus, which is an unusual detail. i think we were trying to take a roadtrip to a beach in another country, which is a thing that happens in my dreams lately. but then i suddenly found out i was in a play that was in like rehearsal/performance stages already, which is also common. my role was to act like i was real gay for some other guy character. i was like lol no prob

what are you craving right now? im usually a bit hungry i guess

turn ons/offs? i like people who can go along with a joke i suppose and who seem interested in other people and what they have to say. too many things repel me from other ppl to list

when was the last time you cried? why? i’ll cry super easily if im just imagining some sad concept

did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? there’s some contenders there smh...but no

do you bite or lick your ice cream? lick....

favorite movie ever? i dont have one

do you like yourself? yeah im alright enough

have you ever met or seen in person a celebrity? not like an a-lister no

how many countries have you visited? just the one ive always been in

have you ever been in a castle? no

what’s the craziest/bravest thing you’ve done? i dont think anything too special. got in front of a car w someone but it was moving slow. proceeded w my stage entrance anyways even when a curtain cue got effed up & led the Improvisation of working around it, but that was dance so nobody had any lines to change

what’s on your mind right now? hoping it tstorms really dramatically later

what’s your zodiac sign? gay

name 5 facts about yourself. my eyes are blue, my pupils dont dilate evenly coz one is a bit less dilatable, im horribly nearsighted, i can cross one eye, i have sort of a unibrow

do you believe in karma? i dont believe in not karma

ever been in love? not romantically*

whom do you admire and why? a lot of activists, im interested in activism and volunteering but have rarely been able to actually be involved in things

what was your favorite bedtime story as a child? man i dont remember having bedtime stories, i dont think i did that much after learning to read myself. i read “pat the bunny” a lot for my little brother, that one was his fave

did you make someone laugh today? i dont think so

do you believe in ghosts? ive always liked hearing about ghost shit, i am not inclined to think that everyone who says theyve had Ghost Encounters is lying, i know ppl personally who have stories who i dont think are lying and it would be presumptuous to say like “well but they probably didnt REALLY x y or z,” and yet still i am always skeptical abt the whole thing. i am agnostic abt everything ever re afterlife stuff, but again—if we’re in a horror movie haunted house situation and shits going down, im going to assume ghosts and everything ive heard about them is true and act accordingly until we’re out of there, Greg The Adamant Disbeliever can have fun dying. and catch me not messing around w ouija boards or any of that shit either...im good.

if you could go back in time which time period would you visit? visit....damn i dunno.

would you want to live forever? why/why not? i mean if other ppl are doing it to then it might be fine. but like me specifically as things are now living forever, im not much interested. someone else can have my immortality

what makes you sad? shit like, life man

was today typical? why/why not? yeah i didnt do anything interesting

who do you trust the most? i dont particularly distrust anyone but i dont really have anything i’d need to trust anyone over

what did you have for breakfast today? i didnt

do you have any regrets looking back in your life? not really

what’s your favorite fictional universe? i dont have one

favorite tv show? i dont have one

share a favorite quote. i have some but i’ll never be able to think of one on the spot

what does your ideal day look like? ahh idk. doing something fun while being around other people

do you have any hobbies? i guess drawing / writing count. theres other things but i dont do them regularly / recently

share a small random book passage that means something to you. dont have one

what’s something you always wanted to do but were too scared? theres not really anything like that

do you usually date people your age or older/younger? neither

who means the world to you? why? any cat ive ever met b/c theyre angels

best books you’ve ever read? i guess i can plug the ashbury/brookfield books again

who is your favorite cartoon character? i gotta say lars dont i

coffee or tea? tea

would you rather be extremely rich or extremely loved? loved but like by multiple ppl right? gimme that magnitude in Widely rather than Intensely

are you a dog or a cat person? i feel like only dog ppl consider this to be a real Binary

what is your biggest addiction? biting my lip endlessly lol

do you ever think about the galaxy? sure

what’s your favorite color? blue

do you have a good relationship with your parents and siblings? why/why not? nah...my sibs and i are like friendly acquaintances i guess. thatll be an abusive household i guess

are you a morning or a night person? night

have you ever dealt with a mental illness? I Guess

how would your friends describe you? uhhhh people say im funny sometimes

do you consider yourself and extrovert or an introvert? bit of both

what’s something you love watching/reading but you are too embarrassed to admit you do? i dont think i have any secrets there

describe yourself in 3 words. extremes, thoughtful, Gay

best memory as a child? idk i always liked swimming and going to pools / waterparks

what is your eye and hair color? blue / brown, respectively.

do you like crystals? theyre cool

if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be? imperialism banned

what’s your hogwarts house? idk slytherin hufflepuff or smthing

biggest pet peeve? theres many..

would you rather go to a cocktail party with your best friends or stay home and read a book/watch a movie with your pet? well first i need the mythical best friend group but also can we be doing something more fun than a cocktail party

share a secret. I’ve Pooped Outside

would you rather live longer or happier? this might only be a difficult choice if it was live shorter or happier

who’s story is your biggest inspiration in life? why? nobody coz idk

do you wear glasses? yes

forest or river? forest

do you like exercise? its alright i dont like just straightup running though

do you like poetry? it depends on who the poet is. cishet white dudes shouldnt be allowed, for starters

any special talent that you have? i’m good at telling if lines are parallel lol

#i dont pretend to be interesting

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bbybaphomet · 4 years

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COLA | cory.

If there has been one thing to stand out about Cory Osada, best known by the moniker Cola, it’s his tenacity. From the beginning of his roller-coaster career, Cola has met controversy, hate and hyperscrutiny largely with witty retorts and a self-assured insistence on keeping forward. Cola has grown up in the public eye, evolved from a precocious teenager mumble-rapping love songs in his bedroom to an international pop star, with over a hundred song-writing credits to his name and a kingdom of his own in form of Chapel Records, a label collecting the misfits of the Korean pop industry and giving them their deserved platforms. Many love Cola, many hate him; but one can not imply he hasn’t put the work in- from his debut album in 2015, he’s put out a full-length record every year since- until 2020.

“2019 was the best year of my life until it wasn’t.” Cola said in an interview earlier in the year. And it certainly did seem like everything had finally come up Cola. He Has been nominated for Best Male Soloist at MAMA 2019- his first ever nomination, and his pre-singles for his fifth full album were skyrocketing up the charts. The fifth record, ‘Richer Than God & Twice As Pretty,’ was all set to be his third in a row to score a number one on the charts- Until, almost immediately after it’s release, 10 out of 12 tracks eligible for single release were banned from radio and broadcast with no option for alteration- and for reasons largely considered vapid by fans and the general public alike. And unlike previous instances of controversy, Cola had no smirk for the cameras, no wink nor nudge. Cola’s TV appearances to promote the record were brief and his spirits appeared broken, and he publicly wrote a message online to state that he was on the verge of giving up completely. His angry performance at MAMA later in the year was only punctuated by his loss of the award. Cola looked, and would later describe feeling, like he had finally been defeated by the industry that seemed so against letting his hard work and undeniable talent be rewarded.

And so, come July 2020, after dedicating the first half of the year to the star’s push into acting and directly following his performance of a bombastic 33-song setlist at Lost Land 9 times over three weekends, Cola has once more pushed against convention as he drops his sixth record and first ever mini-album, simply titled ‘cory.’

‘cory.’ contains five songs, including the track ‘La Vie En Rose’ which had been made available on streaming services ahead of his festival tenancy, and ‘So That’s Where Your Face Went,’ which was performed as untitled throughout his set list. However, despite the EP dropping in the wake of the most public dark patch in the young singer’s career, ‘cory.’ carries a largely hopeful overtone; ‘I Got Hope (Cause Yesterday Is All Over)’ dares to look at the future as it celebrates what is perhaps Cola’s biggest personal strength- his ability to stand up, dust himself off, and keep going.

Cola will not be promoting ‘cory.’, and no single from it have been sent to radio. “I wrote it for myself,” said Cola. “Because I needed to remember that this entire career I have started cause I just love to write music. It’s really, really fun. And it’s gotten me through a lot tougher things than what I’m going through right now. And I wasn’t going to put this record out, cause it was just... therapy? But performing at Lost Land, I saw kids in the crowd crying as they sang along to my songs. And I think, more than any award or number one single, that validated me. And then, I dunno. I guess I remembered who the fuck I am.”

tracklist

i. La Vie en Rose ii. So That’s Where Your Face Went iii. Dreamlove iv. Waltz v. I Got Hope (Cause Yesterday Is All Over)

EXCLUSIVE: Cola gives a track-by-track explanation of cory.

LA VIE EN ROSE

La Vie En Rose was the first song I wrote out of the five on this EP, and I knew straight away that it had to be the sort of... intro to the record? I’ve recently had a huge episode of poor mental health, and that was worsened by both the way that my last record, Richer Than God, was... kind of sabotaged by people with more power than me. But on top of that, I also saw the end of my first real serious relationship. The negative side of experiencing the type of, like... intense, meaningful, love- the kind of love where you’re like “Okay, I thought I had but I’ve definitely never been in love before this” is when it all comes to an end, and then you have to realise “okay, I thought I had but I’ve definitely never fucking had my heart broken like this.” And so I was in a really dark place, where every day I’d wake up and before I opened my eyes, my first thought was that my heart was broken. And so I think I wrote La Vie En Rose in response to how low I was feeling, because it’s such a peaceful song. La Vie En Rose translates to The Life In Pink, which is a very Me phrase, but it’s also a saying similar to “looking through Rose-coloured glasses.” The lyrics reference that idiom, because I think above anything else, La Vie En Rose is a song about choosing to look on the bright side. It’s not as easy as just choosing to be happy, but wanting to recover is the only way you can start recovering. In the bridge, there’s a line about “crafting my new armour.” Ive grown up in the media, and so I definitely built up a tolerance to negativity. But for some reason, the Bans from last year really, really hurt me. They wounded my spirit, and for a while I was ready to just throw the towel in, especially as it sparked up all the old accusations of noise-marketing and doing things for shock value. It’s only been seven months. I needed some time to breathe and let myself feel what I was feeling and figure out how I deal with it this time.

SO THAT’S WHERE YOUR FACE WENT

This is a difficult one. So That’s Where Your Face Went just kind of happened, as a song. I think I came up with the melody of the hook in the car, and I just started singing “It’ll pass, chill. Stay alive, it kills.” This was the last song I wrote for the record, and it almost wasn’t going to be on it because I didn’t think I’d finish it in time. I think I was very influenced by the character I played in the drama True Beauty. I saw a lot of myself in that character, which is a really difficult thing to feel considering how his storyline ended. And so I think a lot of this song is complicated emotions. I’m definitely singing to myself up until the last little outro. But I think like... to sum it up, the song is strange and weird and I don’t really know how to explain it succinctly, but it’s ultimately about being in a shitty and scary situation and dealing with that in unhealthy ways.

DREAMLOVE

Dreamlove is definitely one of the sweetest melodies I’ve ever written. More than anything, it’s about the honeymoon phase of a new relationship. I’m not in a new relationship, and actually, I’m currently getting over a breakup of a long term one. But it’s more of a metaphor of where I’m at in life now. I think Richer Than God and everything that came from that, for better or worse, marked a turning point in my life for me. It’s been a really rough few months ever since, but I’m at at the start of a new chapter and I’m excited, which is why I wanted to write a honeymoon phase song. I had my first heartbreak but it’s healing now, and I’m pretty excited about the future. Even if things inevitably get hard again, I’m enjoying feeling hopeful.

WALTZ

Waltz is an escapism song. It’s kind of similar in sentiment to my song “Barbie Jeep Getaway.” It’s about just wanting to run away and separate myself from everything going on around me. I think I’ve been craving that more than ever. I promised myself a break after what happened with my last album, but then while I guess I gave myself a break from music, I totally worked the entire time. Waltz was kind of this... wish fulfilment that I could just run away and not look back for a while, because I don’t feel good enough and want to be relieved of that pressure, at least for a little while. “I just wanna waltz around it, then it never hurts” is kind of the attitude I’ve had to all the negativity I’ve had to face in my career. I haven’t really given myself a breathe to deal with it, and last year a straw broke the back on that camel. Laughing it all off and basing my image around how much I don’t care about what people think of me may make me look really cool, but it doesn’t do much for my mental health.

I GOT HOPE (CAUSE YESTERDAY IS ALL OVER)

I think the title of this song is pretty self-explanatory. I think that this song is the one that kind of best delivers the thesis of the album in the same way En Rose does. Which is why I knew as soon as I wrote it that it had to be the last song on the record. This EP is about a rough patch, and a broken heart and a sabotaged album that I poured my soul into, but it’s not negative because I think I started writing this as a means to cheer myself up. Performing at Lost Land the past weekend really showed me that no matter what, I do have worth as an artist. That’s what I was struggling with. I was considering never releasing another song again because I didn’t think there was space for me in this industry anymore, and when all those songs from Richer Than God were banned, I felt like I’d been essentially told to just give up. Lost Land really reminded me why I love this, and having all those people sing along to all the songs I wrote, to see faces in the crowd crying because I had made them feel happy, that meant more to me than any number one or any award I might have gotten had I been allowed to promote my album properly. I think the theme of this EP is just... I’m still hurt. I still have a lot to work through, I still need time to heal, but as things stand right now? I feel a little bit better. And I’m willing to count that as a win.

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ildivine · 3 years

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between watching a lot of youtubers, losing a lot of sleep, and playing a lot of the off-peak games, i feel my creativity blossoming in the abstract way that i strive for.

i at least have come to understand how my creativity is dulled, and what i need to get it going again. its difficult, getting older, and becoming more jaded, and depression in the back of my mind is a noisy buzzing that can only be quelled with alcohol or weed. ive been learning how to deal without the prior, but, mm.

i dreamt about gavin and i think about a lot of people in ways that i don’t get to often talk about. its not like i talk to my therapist about this kind of thing. i havent mentioned the system to any since the last one i trusted treated it like DID, and thats fine for systems that need it, but we don’t work that way, and we never have.

alternatively i do think about myself ... and my past lives, often. i feel my limbs more often and it blends with the dysphoria; its strange to think i get so envious of just being spiritually Aware. ingesting mushrooms is the most helpful thing to me, and i know i mute my own sixth sense with doubt.

ive isolated myself from others quite a bit, as ive been mean again. im learning to appreciate the time i spend with dean and connor, even if it is every day. i miss connor every time i wake up without zem next to me, especially after weekends when i really get used to it.

our one year is coming up in july and ze thought aloud to me about marriage and we gently brushed over it. ze said something along the lines of “well, i wanted to wait for a better opportunity...” which, understandable.

one day ill be able to afford nice things like real rings and wedding ceremonies, but the last week of cleaning up my room, and throwing a lot of things out, made me realize what focusing on survival really means. i told myself that in 2021 i would focus on letting go, and its still hard. letting go of friends, and loved ones, and things, old stuff, its all the same, i have such an emotional attachment that it gets tangled in my head and my emotions. connors told me constantly to buy necessities and i brushed em off ... so im glad a friend helped us make up for it.

its embarrassing and its frustrating to rely on my money for things that others dont see as necessary. alcohol quells my twitching but i do have an addiction to it cuz i simply like to drink til i cant anymore, n im still learning that boundary. weed, i cant really explain what it does for me, cuz it is unusual. simple things like helping my appetite and sleep, two major things i struggle with a lot, as well as giving me inspiration to get up in the mornings, or do anything at all. right now it is medical in new mexico and i have a PTSD diagnosis, and when i smoke, it quiets the voices in my head screaming at me about wanting to die. i dont know how common this is, but its one of the things i struggle with financially. to survive. even with all of my antidepressants and anxiety medications, mental illness still lingers, and i think the more i delve into new media as well as reflect on past lives and old memories, my brain is in a very strange place. but ive come to appreciate that it is strange, i am strange, and i have mental illness, and i probably wont ever be able to silence it. i can take out my desire to cut my own skin open by watching dissection videos, and then im also learning and absorbing new information along the way.

when im not absolutely drunk on a tank of heavy alcohol, i can focus. i appreciate that i lost the years of 2018-2020 mostly due to how much i was drinking, on top of a medication that was already terrible for my memory. but the other day i went through my mood charts over those years, where i wrote down how i was, and although i drank daily and felt guilty about it, my mood was generally stable.

unfortunately its very expensive and unhealthy, and the inevitable withdrawals make me worse off than i started with. my therapist considers me drinking as playing with fire, but ive learned how to consume responsibly; dean and i can stop after a six pack and itll put us to sleep, but ill always want another beer, even in the back of my mind. That slight buzz from the mimosa that Connor drank and melted into was likely most of the reason ze could actually start dozing off, and we were half craving another for fun and relaxation, but i thought “i probably wont be able to sleep tonight without another drink”.

and i was right, and i acknowledge that its a problem. so ive tried to find that sensation from other things like hops tea and carbonated water (ew, its still not good, honestly dsjfsdj) or kombuchas, because it triggers the same response in my brain without.. melting my organs. did u kno ur liver is FUCKING HUGE n its also the only organ that can heal itself?? the cells reconstruct differently than scar tissue usually binds together n i just think thats Neat.meme

jokes aside, i think its also why my liver is Fine despite the fact ive drank since i was 13 years old, minus the year of rehab sobriety. That was also my Only year of sobriety. Digging into my alcoholism ive done a lot of questioning as to why i rely on it, and i think it is a lot to do with being addicted to being drunk, and i think its also a lot to do with ‘wow, i can finally turn my brain off! the thing thats yelling at me all the time, feeling scared and sad,” but drinking is also essentially a boost of stress hormones, so when the endorphins wear off, u get sad or anxious all over again. ive come to learn that i only withdrawal or get hangovers if i drink more than, i guess the recommended amount by doctors. 3 glasses of wine will now do me in, dean can power thru anything regardless of what hes drinking, but it does affect the health in ways i cant ignore.

i enjoy drugs, i think is the bottom line. i look up how to get a hold of psychedelic mushrooms cuz u can just get em in the mail if ur in a country where its decriminalized (hint: we’re not) n immediately the results are between getting help for addiction or how magic mushrooms help depression in low doses.

i really have a theme here. im still mad that my parents induced my reliance on all these substances and i know i would be a lot better off if i didnt drink til i was 21 or never smoked cigarettes, and i accept im always gonna crave these things regardless, but i only feel creative when i drink or smoke, and thats another problem with addicts because u fry ur neurons hard enough it all dies down. ive appreciated watching videos and playing games when i am in the comatose, apathetic stage of depression like i have been in recently, where i cant force myself to do anything and even fronting someone else to do it takes energy that quickly dies down.

my energy has died quickly since i went vegan, as my nails have chipped since, so im experimenting with my diet. my taste pallet cant handle dairy anymore, and connor was only here to try it, and i think we all discovered we just... dont wanna do that. but eating fish again helped my energy and brought a glow back to my skin. too much, however, still gives me the greasy meat sweats, so... a lil bit of everything seems to be whats right.

i still crash a lot, but i think thats just a side effect of being 28 in this generation and feeling 68 instead.

anyway, now that my room is FINALLY clean and looking nice, i want to try to do art again. i miss art. i miss thinking in images, i miss my imagination, i miss roleplaying and writing and drawing and arting. conny wanted to paint too but was absolutely too tired on sunday lol n i respect that so maybe tonight we can get something together.

but its been nice to feel something in my brain stirring again that isnt just the gross black buzz of mental illness constantly telling me to die. i get used to it, i guess. i forget its not supposed to happen because i have survived it for so long. im on the max dose of antidepressants and medicine i can take and i still feel really bad sometimes, but i didnt realize it until other people brought it up. stress definitely kicks me into my big bipolar mood swings, but i havent shaken off the depression in months. im not sure what to do so im trying to expand my horizons.

#>>.txt #drugs text #i GUESS #i dont rly consider them drugs but i understand they can b used recreationally...#and often are #but i think of it like taking advantage of benzos #theres no real need for neurotypicals i guess

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