#japanase bl | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

heretherebedork · 11 months

Text

The reverse of the embrace from when they were young but, in a way, still the same roles. For all that Kazuma talks about Ren as being shining and perfect and beautiful and having all these friends and being so, so popular... it's still Kazuma who starts everything, Kazuma who makes the first move and the first offer, Kazuma who acts on the yearning and love they share. Every time he takes the first step.

Which makes it even more heartbreaking when you realize that Kazuma's illness and disappearance are why Ren keeps pulling away from him. Ren believes that Kazuma disappeared because they had sex, because he didn't want to have sex with him and that was crying because of the sex when they were young.

And Kazuma never knew because by the time he was able to talk to Ren again... Ren was gone. These two boys are just heartbreaking because Kazuma crying over Ren's beauty and the actions they took leaving him feeling like he'd hurt him was instead taken as regret for what they did together rather than how they did it together.

Kazuma is blinded by how he sees Ren that he doesn't see Ren's own insecurities and fears even when he voices them aloud. Kazuma sees Ren as this perfect, beautiful person who everyone loves and doesn't see how much Ren is begging for his approval and seeking him out constantly.

Again and again they are faced with a situation where they are so young and they don't how to communicate yet and they hurt each other and they hurt each other because they think the other person is hurt, the other person rejected them and that's the greatest pain they share, truthfully, that they are both hurting and both hurt and never managed to say the words in a way the other man understood.

They have missed each other so much. They both left thinking the other person blamed them for what happened, that the other person was hurt by what happened, when both of them were in the same state afterwards but for different reasons and it was illness that kept them apart without them knowing and just... oh, it's agonizing to realize how much they have to talk about but neither of them knows how to talk about it or why they should.

Kazuma wants to be an open book. He wants to talk about everything and put it out in the open but Ren is still certain that Kazuma left because they had sex and he doesn't want to face the idea of any other choices, he doesn't want to hear it from him. Ren is sticking to his assumptions and Kazuma just cannot get a word or force a conversation.

Ren's assumptions and force of personality are driving this when what would solve all their issues is Kazuma's wish for openness and honesty between them about what happens. But the way Kazuma phrases everything, the careful way he talks because he is scared of losing Ren again, of losing any aspect of their relationship, that he locks himself into non-answers and non-responses and nothing because he still thinks Ren is better than him. Oh man, this war of low self-esteem expressing itself in different ways is just the most aching thing in the world.

And then the rules.

The absolute yearning of both of them is a physical and palpable ache in their relationship. They are both still in love and still pining and still desperately clinging to the hurt of the past. Kazuma in his fear of pushing Ren and Ren in avoiding everything from Kazuma that might argue with his view of him.

Ren declares him straight and doesn't give him a chance to argue and Kazuma doesn't try to argue because he's so scare of what he could lose. @absolutebl Japan knows how to place someone on a pedestal and show that they don't want to be there at the same time... especially when they don't realize they're there. Ren has no idea how high the pedestal Kazuma put him onto is but he keeps accidentally reinforcing it with his actions without meaning to but also while not realizing that he's being hurt because of it. But Ren has also put Kazuma on a pedestal this time around, he thinks of him as popular and cool and straight.

They both care so much about each other but they don't see it in the other because what they're looking for and what they're seeing is so different from what they're showing. Ren's very real fear and conviction that Kazuma is a straight man (despite all the proof otherwise) speaks to the way they've both placed the other onto a pedestal of sorts.

There is just so much love between them, so much tenderness and care but also so much history that they can't shake.

They're so in love but neither of them has figured out how to talk about it, how to communicate about their wants and their wishes because they both have fears of being abandoned again. And Kazuma doesn't see it in Ren because he's not looking for it and Ren doesn't see it in Kazuma because he's put him on this pedestal of being straight despite all the evidence to the contrary.

Okay, so we're going to see next week that Ren did know that Kazuma was sick and blamed himself and ran and that hurts so much more in a way because all we know is what Kazuma experienced and feels but Ren is still a mystery.

This show is destroying because it's about mutual pining that has gone through a decade of pain and isn't stopping any time soon because they might be friends with benefits and they might be friends but they're not listening to each other yet.

200 notes · View notes

heretherebedork · 10 months

Text

This is where the disconnect is between them. Because Shun truly sees himself as showing love and care for Asuka by doing this. He is trying to encourage him to better himself, to be the best version of himself, and to live up to the ideal version of himself that he can be.

While Asuka is just trying his best. He's working hard, he's doing what he can, he's clinging to so many wishes. Asuka is doing his best and what he keeps running up against is that his best is never, ever enough for Shun. Nothing he does is enough or gets him what he wants, what he feels he needs, which is the romantic side of their relationship.

Ever watched two people say the exact opposite thing but meaning, in a lot of ways, the same thing? Shun wants to see Asuka do better and thinks that holding him to this lofty goal will bring him up to where he needs to be while Asuka is just desperately searching for any way to feel like he has his support and love.

This is what happens when two people who express their love very differently find themselves in a relationship with poor communication. Neither of them hears what the other person is saying because it's all filtered through their point of view.

Shun wants Asuka to be successful and to be do well. Asuka wants to feel loved and important to Shun. His needs from their relationship are very different than Shun's but neither of them are communicating with each other so these issues are just... stagnating. Shun has no idea what the issue is and Asuka is scared that any issue will leave him alone again.

I think the biggest problem here is that Asuka meant it while being loved and Shun doesn't show love in a way that makes Asuka feel loved when they're actually in a relationship.

Asuka is so desperate for affection or any hint that they're something and Shun sees all of it as something so basic and so obvious that he doesn't need to show any of it.

Shun is the opposite of Minato in this scenario. Minato feels it all and finds the expression to just be too much to handle while Shun feels at least something but finds it to be something that doesn't need to be expressed because Asuka said he didn't need it.

And while Shin pushes Minato constantly because he is determined to love him and to be loved in return, Asuka is terrified of losing Shun again and so can't ever really speak up for his needs. He also struggles to express his needs in a way that Shun understands while Shin is so clear that Minato never had any doubts.

Shun really does care. He is in this relationship as well. He tells Shin they're in a relationship. He knows that he's in a relationship. But how he prioritizes is so different from how Asuka does that it makes it hard for them to see their love reflected in the other person.

(Asuka is much more clear, of course, but Shun is there. Shun wants that date as well. He wants this relationship and he is showing Asuka in his own way... which just isn't meeting Asuka's needs. Oh, this pairing is so fascinating because what happens when two people with vastly different romantic needs try to form a relationship? I mean, in real life, it typically ends badly. And this is Japanese BL... but it's still BL. @absolutebl I can't decide how much I trust them with this side pairing.)

This entire exchange, from Asuka bemoaning his struggle with communication to snapping out of a frustration he knows has nothing to do with Shin to his regret afterwards is such a perfect illustration and exploration of how much Asuka is struggling in the situation he's trying to enjoy.

You can feel it.

He got what he wanted, right? He's next to Shun. He's at his side. But it's not what he imagined and it's not what he needs for as much as it is what he wants and that's just the scariest kind of thing, isn't it? To get what you want only to find out that what you need is different.

Asuka loves Shun. But he also needs love in return and Shun will either learn how to show that love or they will need to separate because Asuka might want to be at Shun's side but he needs more than he can give right now.

Asuka wants to be Shin. He wants to be smitten and in love and to have someone reluctant but just as loving across from him, someone who adores him in return and will give him the love and romance and affection that he desperately craves. But Shun has no idea he's even missing anything because this is his romance. This is his relationship.

Asuka... again, Asuka is struggling to communicate with Shun because what he needs to communicate isn't what he think it is and when he tries to communicate what he thinks he needs to communicate... what comes across is completely different because Shun is on a different wavelength than he is, has different expectations and wants and needs in this and doesn't know what he isn't doing.

I love Shun so much but, again, we are faced with the fact that his idea and understanding and approach to romance is not, at all, related to Asuka's.

One thing I truly find fascinating is that both Shun and Asuka are both actually very comfortable and forward about being in a relationship. There's no hesitation between them to say those words the way Minato scrambles away from any mention of the idea from Shin even in private.

They aren't grappling with the issue of being in a relationship, they're grappling with what that relationship looks like and what it means to them. The relationship isn't the question. It's what being in a relationship is that they have to fight to figure out.

Shin and Minato love each other and are in a relationship that Minato is struggling to be comfortable and open about because his love scares him.

Shun and Asuka are in a relationship but are struggling to figure out what that means at all and what their love even is and how it's shaped.

Shun gives Asuka the tiniest hint of love and Asuka absolutely loses everything he's ever had. The smallest touch, the little bit of eye contact and he loses his shit entirely because he is so used to nothing.

And Shun looks at that and instead of seeing how smitten Asuka is... he sees himself as getting in the way of Asuka's studying. He seems himself as, rather than the positive figure out love, as someone who is preventing Asuka from being the best he can be and the best he wants him to be.

That's the biggest part of this disconnect. Shun wants Asuka to be his best and he is trying to show him love by encouraging him (it's a different kind of love but it is love, I don't doubt that) while Asuka just wants to be with Shun as he keeps trying to tell him.

And this. This moment is so heartbreaking. We see Shin and Minato on their date, dressed up and fitting in and part of the world and then Asuka. Asuka, standing out in different clothing, in a different style, no part of the festival and no part of the romance. He is completely out of the world of love right now. He has found himself isolated and alone and hurting and watching his friend who comes to him with his relationship issues enjoy the date that he worked so hard for but didn't quite reach.

I am actually super excited for next week because by the end of this episode we know that Shun is definitely jealous and that he's hurt and that he does view this relationship as something more serious than he shows to Asuka in his way of showing love.

Asuka is obviously helping a friend and likely just assumed that Shun would never know or, that if he did know, he wouldn't care. After all, didn't they start from a fake relationship that Shun said didn't matter? Why would he change his mind?

But the truth is that they are in a relationship and they do love each other and that is what needs to happen now and needs to be figured out and what they need to communicate each other.

Shun saying he never thought he'd have this kind of feeling is important because this is about Shun and Minato growing into the relationships that Shin and Asuka want and need from them. It's about catching up to the person you love and realizing that, yes, you do need to grow and change with love.

Love is a verb. Love is doing and growing and that matters.

93 notes · View notes