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jojosbizarreblog · 4 years

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Let Down Your Crystal Walls

5 // 6 // 7

A/n: I've put a content warning for some potentially triggering sexual stuff down below (cause the orangutan and all, I hate that thing). Stay safe you guys! Love ya!

Chapter 6: Don’t Walk in the Halls Alone

Song Inspiration: 'Alone Together' by Fall Out Boys

Kyogen came to with a fading headache, quiet conversations, and the blurry face of her Stand lit by moonlight. The surface underneath her felt strange, rocking back and forth.

A boat... she was in a boat. Presumably with the others. Her clothes were stiff as she straightened out and she had a horrible headache and the shallow cuts on her skin stung.

Kyogen flinched as Joseph clambered over and clapped a hand on her shoulders. "Wind! Thank god you're alright!"

It took her a second to register the English. "Y-Yeah," she hoarsely replied, coughing after the statement. Joseph handed her a canteen and Kyogen fumbled to open it. Cool water rushed down her throat as she guzzled it down. "Everyone alright?" She slurred, gingerly touching the bump on the side of her head. "What happened?"

"Everyone is fine," Avdol said. "Jotaro managed to take out the fake captain. But it turned out he planted bombs on the ship that exploded when he died. Luckily, everyone reached the lifeboats in time."

"Ah," Kyogen said, eternally grateful that she missed out on the explosion. "Who fished me out?"

Avdol pointed to Sharpnote. "Actually, your Stand dragged you to us. It's been guarding you ever since."

"Yeah, barely even let me get close to use the Hamon on you!"

Hamon? What was that? She was about to ask that but a familiar voice interrupted her.

"Hey!" The girl said. Kyogen had missed her from behind Jotaro's bulk. "What's all of this mumbo jumbo you're talking about?"

Jotaro sighed and pulled his hat down. "You wouldn't understand, kid."

"Oh yeah??? Try me!"

Kyogen ignored the conversation going on over at that side of the boat and focused on Joseph. "Hey, Mr. Joestar?"

"Yeah?"

"What's Hamon?"

The man straightened. "Right! Hamon is powerful energy identical to that of the sun manifested by a trained person through controlled breathing," Joseph said. "It is used primarily to heal, like what I did for you. I was not able to get all of it because your Stand likes to hover."

Kyogen glanced at Sharpnote, who stared back at her. "Sorry," she grumbled, calling it back to her.

Joseph shrugged. "I'm sure it was worried about you. We all were. You and Jotaro were down there for pretty long, and imagine our surprise when Sharpnote broke the surface with your limp body in tow!" Yellow energy crackled to life on Joseph's hand and Kyogen flinched back.

"Sorry," Kyogen said again automatically. She stilled and let Joseph touch the sore spot on her head. Warmth radiated from the old man's fingers, soothing the pain.

"There you go, kid!" Joseph said cheerfully, patting her heavily on the back. "All done!"

"Fortunately, Sharpnote got you to the surface before you could inhale any water," Kakyoin said, handing Kyogen her bag. "You are very lucky."

Kyogen stared at the horizon. She was tired, despite just gaining consciousness a few minutes ago. Maybe it was just the shock. Probably. Joseph stretched his arms from where he was sitting. "We'll have to wait it out until rescue comes. I don't know how long we'll need to wait, but it's best to conserve our energy for now. Wind, feel free to get more rest if you need it."

Kyogen nodded. "Thank you," she said. Checking her bag, she saw that both her daggers were wrapped up together in the cloth. Thankfully, no water had leaked through it into any of her stuff. Kyogen zipped up her bag and scanned the area around her. The sailors were in the other boat and all of them appeared tired. Most of the passengers on her boat looked no worse for wear, and Kyogen felt like she got the short end of the stick. Her clothes were stiff with salt, rips decorating them. She didn't want to see what her hair must've looked like.

Joseph yawned widely and said, "Well, I'm gonna try and get some shut-eye for the night! Take care!"

The others all voiced their agreement in getting some rest, and as they settled down one by one, Kyogen was left with the sounds of water lapping against the side of the boat and deep breaths from the others. She couldn't help but scan over the weathered faces of her fellow group. Despite only knowing them for so long, she felt connected with them somehow. She leaned back and stared up at the sparkling stars above her.

***

The night passed with Kyogen keeping vigil amongst the stars. The sun rose and one by one the stars went away. Avdol was the first to rise, looking at her with surprise. "Did you not sleep, Wind?"

"No, I didn't, Avdol-sama."

"Just call me Avdol," he said. "Aside from that, you should try to avoid staying up like that, it's detrimental to your health."

"Yeah," Kyogen said, letting out a humorless laugh. "I know, I just couldn't sleep."

"I understand," Avdol said. "You've been through quite a lot so far, it's understandable that you'd be so on edge from it."

Kyogen jumped as Jotaro's voice interrupted the moment."Hey," he said. "I'm curious about something. How come when the barnacles latched onto your Stand, you didn't receive any damage?" He held up Hamon-healed hands. "Most of everyone here suffers the same injuries when their Stand gets hurt, is yours different?"

"Oh, I get hurt alright," Kyogen said, wincing. The crack-like, mother-of-pearl scars radiating from the small of her back was proof of that. "I guess Sharpnote's more resistant to damage. But there's enough force, it'll get cracked and chipped. I know."

"Wind..." Avdol began tentatively. "You know that most Stands only receive damage from other Stands of something wielded by a Stand, right?"

Kyogen blanked. "Uh... you said most Stands."

"That's because your Stand is the first instance that I've seen different."

"Are you sure, Wind? You're not lying are you?" Jotaro asked.

"I'm not lying," Kyogen replied curtly. She was sure of what happened that day.

Avdol hummed and said, "Well the world of Stands is one that is as varied as the individuals on this Earth. You can never be certain of what rules they follow."

"Mr. Avdol, you seem to know a lot about Stands," Kyogen noted.

"Indeed. I have been studying them for many years now. They are interesting and all unique in their own ways."

"Hey, hey, what are you guys talking about so loudly in the morning?" Polnareff grumbled, stretching languidly from where he sat. "Can't let the rest of us sleep in peace or what?"

"The sun's been up for a bit already you lazy ass," Jotaro retorted. He sighed and reached into his pocket, but paused. "Yare yare daze, my cigarettes aren't dry yet..."

"As good a time as any to quit," Kakyoin laughed, joining into the conversation. Joseph snorted and jerked up, startling the kid next to him. It seemed like everyone was awake now as chatter began to fill the air around Kyogen as she settled back into watching and waiting.

"I'm thirsty," the kid—she really needed to ask her name—whined. "Do we have any water?"

Kyogen passed the canteen to her and the kid began chugging it down, only to spit it straight back up.

"Hey kid, watch it! That's the last of our water!" Joseph yelled at her.

The girl pointed to something behind Kyogen. "S-S-S-Sh-Sh-Ship! SHIP!"

Kyogen snapped around and nearly toppled off her seat when she saw a towering tanker looming over the two lifeboats. "H-How did none of us hear it come up?" She asked, eyeing it suspiciously as it slowly floated to the lifeboats, stopping to drop down a ramp. They let sailors in the other boats climb on first as the group tried to grasp the situation at hand.

"Where the hell did this ship come from?" Jotaro muttered. "It's like it appeared out of thin air. And nobody's shown themselves, even though the ramp is down."

Polnareff was the first to leap on the stairs, turning back and saying, "They came this far to save us! There has to be someone on board! Even if they're all Stand users, I'm getting on this boat." Kakyoin gave them a lost look, then shrugged and got on the stairs, following Polnareff. It was Avdol who got off next, then Jotaro and Joseph. Jotaro turned around and tried to offer a hand to the girl, who promptly leaped at Joseph and stuck her tongue out at him.

"Yare yare daze," Jotaro sighed. He turned to Kyogen as she was shakily making her way through the boat to the stairs and offered the same hand.

She gratefully took it, wobbling as she leaped to the stairs. "Thank you," Kyogen said. Jotaro simply nodded and turned to walk up the stairs.

The ship was eerily silent as they made it onto the deck, only the creaking of the hanging hooks and the sounds of the sailors that had just climbed aboard heard among the light mist that had begun to pass through the area. Something made her on edge, and she realized that Sharpnote was out, walking next to her. "Come back," she grumbled to it. Sharpnote simply shook its head and continued scanning the deck. It split off from her and walked to Avdol, who gave her a confused look. Kyogen simply shrugged and pointed to Joseph, who was walking to the boat cabin, indicating that she would follow him.

Kyogen joined Joseph's side. Their group got larger when Kakyoin, Polnareff, Jotaro, and finally the girl joined them on their way to the control room. "Something feels off, Mr. Joestar," she murmured to him. "My Stand is out, and it refuses to be called back."

"Something is definitely going on," Kakyoin said. "I'm not sure what, but we should be on guard.

Joseph pushed open the door to the control room, where not a soul greeted Kyogen and the group. "Wh-What's with this boat?!" He exclaimed. "There's no captain in the pilothouse, no operator in the radio room, no crew anywhere on board!"

"Yet everything seems to be working fine," Kyogen mused, eyeing the moving steering wheel. She didn't know anything about large ships, but she was confident that there should have been a captain on board, at the least.

"Maybe they're all in the bathroom with a bad case of diarrhea," Polnareff said, shrugging.

Kyogen didn't notice the other opened door until the kid pointed it out. "Everyone, come here!" She exclaimed, pointing inside the room. "There's a monkey inside a cage!"

Reaching the room first, Kyogen looked in to see a large orangutan staring back at her. Goosebumps erupted on her arms when she made eye contact with it. Locked, in a stare-off with the monkey, she didn't notice the others coming into the room.

"An orangutan," Kakyoin noted as Kyogen tore her gaze away from it.

"Who the hell cares about a monkey?!?" Joseph asked. "Let's split up and see who's feeding it."

They all silently agreed to that, and Kyogen was the last to leave the room, turning around to eye the orangutan one last time. It gave her a grin and she grimaced. She didn't stay for too long and turned back to catch up with the others, walking side by side with the kid.

They met up with Avdol and the other sailors, who were all clustered around an operating machine. Sharpnote left Avdol's side to join Kyogen. Joseph paused and Kyogen saw him glancing overhead. She looked up just in time to see one of the hooks come to life.

"Advol," she yelled. "Hook!"

Her warning came too late as the hook swung down into the back of a sailor's head, the point coming out of his mouth is a spurt of blood and a dying cry. She turned her head away when the hook cable shortened, the carcass dangling down from it. Kyogen avoided looking at the body in an attempt to keep her vomit in check. Good god, this was not what she was expecting when she stepped foot on this ship.

"Yare yare daze..." Jotaro sighed, hand covering the kid's eyes. "A welcome like this is a bit much for a kid."

Kyogen had to force herself to not look at the growing puddle of blood on the ground.

"No one was touching the crane..." she muttered, backing away from it. "Why was it moving?" A drop of sweat trailed down her temple as she tried to control her trembling limbs.

Joseph turned to the remaining sailors and said, "Hey, don't touch any of the machinery. If it moves or runs on electricity, don't lay a finger on it! If you want to live, follow my orders! Don't leave the cabin down below until we say it's okay!" He then turned to Kyogen and said to her, "Wind, you remember where it is, right? Can you lead them down there?"

Kyogen nodded. "I'll leave Sharpnote here with you. He'll lead you to me if anything happens. I have my daggers to defend myself with, so Sharpnote might be of use to you."

Kyogen beckoned the sailors and the kid to follow her. She kept an eye out for any strange happenings as they went through the halls. Nothing except an eerie stillness. They reached the radio cabin and Kyogen pushed open the door to let the sailors in. She stepped out and scanned the hallways, the kid still next to her. Choosing a random direction, Kyogen started making her way down the hall.

"Man... I'm all sticky from the salt," the girl complained. Kyogen was suddenly aware of said salt clinging to her skin and clothes. "I wanna take a shower..."

"Maybe a shower wouldn't be too bad," Kyogen agreed. "But we have to be wary of what's happening around here."

The girl jumped, not expecting Kyogen to reply. "Yeah... what's up with that, anyway? Trouble always finds your group. Are you guys jinxes or something? Even you and your eye look weird!"

"We're not jinxes, kid," Kyogen replied, ignoring the comment towards her eyes. "It's just that there are a lot of people who want to stop us, and they don't care who gets involved."

"Stop calling me kid, I have a name, you know," the kid huffed.

"Then what is it?"

"Anne," she said proudly.

Kyogen nodded and replied, "I'm Wind Kyogen--Kyogen Wind."

Anne looked at her with curious eyes. "Kyogen? Are you Japanese? Is that what your accent is?"

"Half Japanese," Kyogen corrected. "My father was Vietnamese."

"Ah, no wonder you looked kinda strange," Anne mused.

Kyogen sweatdropped. Thanks for the boost of confidence, kid. This wasn't the first time someone had made a comment on her looks though, so she was used to it.

"Hey, hey, look!" Anne yelled, pushing ahead of her. She ran to a marked door and pushed it open. "It's the shower stalls! You and I can get a shower!"

Kyogen scratched her head. "Are you sure about that?"

"I mean, come on," Anne urged. "There's really no one present right now, so this might be our only chance at getting clean!"

Her conviction was thinning as she let herself be led into the room by Anne. "Alright," she sighed. "But we have to make it quick."

***

A short tune rang through Kyogen's head as she folded her salt-encrusted clothes into neat piles. She had on a grey pair of loose sweatpants with the bottom cinched around her ankles and a white collared shirt with yet another bow tying the collar together. The fabric making up her previous bow was dirty, so she opted for a pale-blue strip of fabric to tie a new bow. Anne was still in the shower and for a moment, Kyogen entertained the thought of hand-washing her clothes. No, that wouldn't do. She didn't have the time to wait for them to dry, it would be better to wash them when they reached their destination.

Amidst the falling water and the tune in her head, she heard distant thumping, and what she swore were screams. Kyogen straightened up and grabbed both of her daggers from their cloth wrap, slipping her backpack on and sliding out of the shower rooms. Dread filled her as she saw a red liquid leaking out from underneath the door of the sailors' cabin. She slowly took steps towards it, and froze when the door creaked open. Kyogen's eyes widened when she saw the orangutan step out. She ducked behind a wall, trying to control her breathing. Slow, plodding footsteps got louder, and it passed her. Panic filled her as she realized that Anne was left vulnerable without anyone to help her.

She had to act.

Kyogen leaped at its back, digging her knife into its back. The monkey let out an ungodly shriek and stumbled. It slammed her into the wall. Kyogen cried out as she lost her hold on the daggers. Pipes burst out of the wall and wrapped around her throat, arms, and legs, pinning her to the wall and rendering her immobile. She choked as the pipe around her throat tightened as the monkey came nearer.

------------------------------------------------------CONTENT WARNING----------------------------------------

It gave her a salacious grin and eyed her chest.

Kyogen struggled harder against the unyielding pipes as its hand came closer to the buttons of her shirt. "G-Get away, fucker," she wheezed. "I'll kill you, I'll fucking kill you."

There was a tearing sound as the monkey pulled at her collar, ripping the bow and stretching the fabric as the buttons popped open. Her eyes burned with tears as she squeezed them shut. Fuck. Was this how it was going to be? Please no. Please. By all the deities up above not like this.

----------------------------------------------------WARNING OVER-----------------------------------------------

A loud crackle and large crystals blasted the orangutan away from her, announcing the new arrival of two others. Jotaro walked past Kyogen as Sharpnote hurried to her, grasping the pipes in its grips and tearing it out of the walls. Kyogen took in shuddering breaths, throat aching, as she dropped to the floor, free of the constraints. She grabbed her fallen daggers and stumbled to her feet, looking at where Jotaro went, just in time to see a fan break off and embed itself into his shoulder. She shakily made her way to his side, trying to yank her stretched collar into a position that it wouldn't show the tank top or anything underneath.

"This is no ordinary ape..." Jotaro said. "It's a Stand user."

He reached for the fan in his shoulder and Kyogen watched as one of the blades came to life and batted his hand away. She had to dive out of the way as Jotaro flew back, hit by the propeller in his shoulders. Sharpnote was there to stop him from hitting the wall while Star Platinum rushed past her to punch the ape. The dust cleared to show them that the monkey was phasing through the wall and that Jotaro's Stand's fist had missed it.

The boat shuddered and started to warp around her and Jotaro. Kyogen panicked, remember the young girl in the showers. "S-Shit I gotta get to Anne!" She yelled, dashing down the hall. She didn't need to open the door when it swung open and Anne stumbled out, fully-dressed.

"W-What's going on?" Anne cried as Kyogen grabbed her hand.

"Stick close to me!" Was all that Kyogen said. She managed to reach Jotaro with the girl, only to shove them out of the way of more pipes.

Once again, Kyogen found herself pinned to the wall, this time side by side with her Stand. More pipes exploded from the wall and then Jotaro slammed into the wall next to her. The orangutan phased back into the hallway, dressed in a captain's uniform and a smoking pipe. Anne had managed to hide away where the orangutan didn't see her. Kyogen let out a feral scream and thrashed against the pipes. Aside her, the pipes groaned as Sharpnote pulled against them.

Not again.

She gagged as the pipe tightened around her throat again, cutting off her cries. Rancid air blew into her face as the ape huffed, drool leaking out of its mouth.

A gold flash and something bounced off the ape's head. It turned around and eyed Jotaro.

"That button's not part of your Stand," the male said.

The ape shook with barely suppressed rage as it held up the button. Kyogen sagged down within her restraints as the attention turned away from her, a numb rock filling her chest.

"You mad?" Jotaro challenged. "I guess it wounded your pride, since you thought you'd already won." He paused and reconsidered his words. "No, that's wrong... because apes don't have any pride!"

The monkey leaped at Jotaro.

"You're gonna regret that."

Kyogen watched with a detached air as Star Platinum flicked the button into the monkey's head with enough force to puncture it. It fell back, screaming. With its focus wavered, the pipes went loose enough for Jotaro to break free of it. Sharpnote did too, and it turned to Kyogen and began viciously ripping the pipes away from her. It supported her as she stumbled to the ground. Kyogen glanced at Jotaro as she was making her way to Anne. He was hovering over the ape, who had its stomach displayed.

"Yare yare daze," Jotaro muttered, adjusting his hat. "I heard that when frightened, animals show their stomachs to signal they're giving up. So you're asking me to forgive you?"

Kyogen watched as it trembled and nodded.

Jotaro turned to her and asked, "So, Wind, should we forgive it?"

She paused as Anne latched onto her arm, a cold look forming on her face. "Make it hurt," she rasped, turning to lead Anne out of the hall. "We're going up." Even with her ripped shirt, even with her bruised throat, she couldn't be bothered to exact revenge back upon the ape. She felt sick and shaky as she led Anne through the halls.

Halfway to the deck, the ship began shaking harder than before. "What's going on on?" Anne cried.

Kyogen cursed and grabbed Anne's hand, beginning to bolt down the hall. "The ship's sinking!"

Sharpnote appeared beside her and scooped Anne up, ignoring her surprised yelp as she was picked up by an unknown force.

"Go!" Kyogen barked at it. "You remember the way out!"

It hesitated but bolted ahead of her after she scowled at it. Kyogen stumbled and Jotaro passed her.

"Move it!"

In a twist of fate, Kyogen found herself being swept up into Star Platinum's arms, the Stand floating after his user. She stiffened at the contact but allowed herself to be carried. It would be faster, after all.

Ahead of them, Sharpnote slammed into the metal door and burst through it to the deck above. They dove out the doorway as the hall collapsed behind them. They halted as they saw the others slowly being swallowed up by the ship. Kyogen leaped out of Star Platinum's arms and ran to them. "Kujo! We need to pull everyone out of this!" She yelled to him, haphazardly tucking her daggers into her waistband.

She reached Joseph first, grabbing both his arms and trying to pull the old man out. It was like trying to lull him out of a vat of gum. In front of her, she could see Jotaro trying to do the same with Kakyoin.

"Anne! Go to the lifeboats!" She yelled, pointing in the direction she remembered they were in.

The Stand gently put Anne down and made its way to her. Sharpnote crouched down behind Joseph. Its fingers turned jagged and lengthened, fusing into a large spearpoint of crystals. It slammed both of them down into the deck, the metal screeching and ripping open underneath the force. The deck groaned as Sharpnote widened the rip, allowing Kyogen to finally help Joseph scramble out of the pit.

Kyogen heard a familiar Stand voice and loud banging from where Jotaro was. She looked to see Star Platinum finishing up a barrage of punches as Jotaro pulled both Avdol and Kakyoin out.

"Hey! Over here too! Don't forget me!" Polnareff yelled, waving his arms.

Sharpnote reached him first and did the same thing again, slamming the jagged spears of its arms down into the metal behind Polnareff and ripping a hole in it. Kyogen reached Polnareff and helped him out of the hole. As the French got to his feet, the tanker shuddered beneath them and Kyogen nearly toppled over.

"We need to get out of here!" Joseph yelled. "Where's the kid?!"

Kyogen waved at them to follow her as she began running to the boats. "I already sent her to the lifeboats! Let's go!"

The rest of them followed her as the ship shook around them. They reached the lifeboats that Anne was waiting in and Kyogen waited for the others to scramble in.

"Hey Wind! What are you doing?" Polnareff yelled. "Stop standing around!"

Kyogen looked at Sharpnote, who was on the other end where the ropes held that side of the lifeboat. She nodded and the two of them slashed the rope, vaulting into the boat as it fell down. Around her, the group was screaming as Kyogen landed harshly into the boat, narrowly avoiding the explosion on-deck. She wheezed at her back slammed into the edge of the wooden bench. Thankfully, her bag cushioned some of the force, but it was still painful nonetheless.

She swore her soul left her body as the little boat hit the sea, landing with a large spray of water that showered the occupants in it. They managed to drift far enough to witness the large ship crumple and collapse in on itself, sinking into a small wooden boat away from them. Kyogen let herself lay there for a bit as she registered the aches in her body. A missing hair tie and some back pain. Got it.

Polnareff was in her face as she slowly sat up. "Wind, do you how stupid that was? We could have died if something happened."

Kyogen winced and subconsciously shrunk back from the loud French. Sharpnote shifted as if sensing her agitation. "We had to lower the boat somehow," she rasped. "And I thought that you guys would appreciate not having to stand there and lower it as the ship self-destructed." She straightened up and winced as something in her back twinged.

"Hey! You're hurt!" Joseph pushed Polnareff back. He reached for her neck and Kyogen flinched. Joseph froze and his eyes softened. "It's alright, kid. I'm just going to check out the bruises on your neck."

"R-Right," Kyogen stuttered, gathering her hair and holding it back. She was tense as his hand rested on the junction where her neck and shoulder met, but slowly relaxed as the warmth of the Hamon flowed through her body. Joseph withdrew and Kyogen thanked him, yanking the collar of her ripped shirt closed and hugging her backpack to her. She hunched down as if to avoid the eyes boring into her, staring at the rippling waves of the water underneath her.

"If you don't mind me asking, what happened back there, Wind?" Kakyoin asked curiously.

Kyogen flinched, not tearing her eyes from the water. She glanced at Anne, who had a curious look on her face. "Maybe I'll tell you later."

For a moment, Kakyoin's face turned dark, but he gave her a gentle smile. "I understand," he said.

A tense moment of silence stretched between them.

"Looks like we'll be drifting again," Avdol sighed, eyeing the setting sun. "We'll just have to pray that we get rescued and reach Singapore safely."

(Forgot to post this earlier heheh. Sorry everyone)

#jjba x oc #jjba oc insert #Stardust crusaders oc insert #jotaro x oc #kakyoin noriaki x oc #part 3 oc insert #jjba fanfic #Let Down Your Crystal walls #oc insert

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cosmosogler · 7 years

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hi guys i am going to write a little bit early today, since i don’t have anything better to do.

today i slept in, considering it took me as long as usual to fall asleep last night on top of going to bed an hour after i wanted to. my dreams were that odd mix of like every negative emotion ever blended with a strange, intense fondness for the people in the dream. or at least, one of them. like i’d known them forever and knew almost everything about them, but there was enough that i didn’t know that they still had surprises, and i just liked everything about them. but the person exists only as a figment of my imagination so nothing matters.

they rarely recognize that i exist, when i dream about them. they can be different people, or other living things. i wouldn’t describe it as romantic interest, or physical attraction. just an aching familiar fondness. like the feeling i get about eve.

i wanted to talk a little more about star vs the forces of evil before i forget, and before i move on to the next show on my list. i’ve seen several comments about how “interesting” toffee is as a villain. i disagree. savvy and sinister villains aren’t any more interesting than any other kind of villain. that role in children’s cartoons has been well explored by this point. what would be really interesting is if toffee brought something new to the table. i was thinking about it... right now he really comes across as an “all according to keikaku (keikaku means plan)” sort of guy, and nothing in the story has challenged his Evil Plan. like, at all. what i really want to see, genuinely, is what makes him afraid. what makes him anxious. what happens when his Evil Plan is barely holding together. how does he improvise.

i was thinking in particular of dio when i was having that idea, even though dio doesn’t imply that he’s genuinely afraid of jotaro until the big confrontation. and for the majority of the show he’s the same “all according to plan” guy. the difference is that we learned about him personally in part 1, so he’s not, like, mysterious and aloof as the villain in part 3. we already know he’s a large ham with a side of cheese and is also very persuasive.

bill cipher was an interesting disney cartoon villain because he DIDN’T have an Evil Plan. there’s no way he was capable of planning that far ahead. he had short-term plans, but he mostly relied on his sheer power and impulsive kicks and seized opportunities as they came up and leaned back on the inevitability of a prophecy to Take Over the World.

i think about villains a lot...

when i was young i was always fascinated by villains. they were so much easier to make interesting than heroes. and they were having so much fun! i mean, my characters were generally heroes, because i was little and wanted to pretend they were my friends, and villains won’t be nice to you. but i spent a lot of time admiring disney’s villain songs and writing about characters that couldn’t decide if they were heroes or villains. right before high school i decided i wanted to dedicate some time to figuring out how to make a hero as interesting and fun as a villain. i’m still... working on that.

i dunno. it comes down to having natural traits that can be both strengths and flaws in different situations. and if you’re going to make a saturday morning cartoon villain, a captain planet villain, then you don’t have to worry about that and they can still be fun to watch. but if you go for a complex or sympathetic villain like toffee seems like he’s supposed to be, then they have to also have those same kinds of flaws. how are we supposed to see what the villain is made of if they don’t get put through the sort of gauntlet the heroes do? i want to see villains that are given as much development as the heroes get challenged emotionally and intellectually. i’m tired of watching their plans work until the third act when the heroes overcome them.

maybe then they’re not really a villain any more if that happens. maybe that request is way too vague. maybe i’m guilty of the same thing in my stories. i tried to play with the concept a little bit in the jumbi story by having the main villain present in the story only through memories. it turns the main character (his minion, basically) into both the protagonist and the antagonist, struggling with understanding that yes, he’s really dead, and he’s not coming back, and he can’t hurt you if you don’t keep following his Evil Plan.

anyway, i went to therapy again today. we didn’t come up with a note i can send to the grad schools, even though i brought it up and i had the notebook right there in my lap. it’s just one sentence. why can’t i write it?

we retreaded some old territory with the whole “you can’t kill yourself, you signed a contract to be alive! if you kill yourself, you’ll go to hell!” thing. it still made me just as angry and uncomfortable as the first time. especially with the, like, knowing smile, and the near-wink, like i just don’t get it. she doesn’t even believe in hell. she didn’t use the exact word “hell,” but it’s... hard to imagine what else she could have been referring to.

i noticed something though. i was very quiet during her mini-lectures, even though i was picking apart her words as fast as she was saying them, and i had arguments i could have used. i just didn’t. it was too hard to make the words come out of my mouth.

i don’t have this problem with asher, though. if i disagree with something he says i feel comfortable voicing that and discussing our different points of view. i guess with the therapist it feels like a lost cause already. i don’t feel... comfortable enough to audibly disagree. i don’t trust myself to not stammer. because i descend into a horrible stuttering spiral every time i am even a little bit nervous. even when i’m not nervous it’s a 50/50.

i again wonder how i look when i’m sitting there letting her say all she wants. she told me it was hard to get me to say anything. i don’t think she gave me enough time to think about what i wanted to say next before she would gesture for me to continue though. and i tried to bring up some stuff i’d written down here this week, but it sounded dumb and uncertain when i said it out loud. so, like, i’d give up before i was able to articulate the full thought. so my concerns came off as kind of, shallow?

like i said i wasn’t sure i fully understood meditating, and i had the words in my head, but i didn’t quibble about not understanding how to think things through and also not think at the same time. how to experience the present moment and my emotions as they came for long periods of time without thinking about how i felt about what was happening, or why i was feeling the emotions. so she explained the basic premise of meditation and the goal to focus on breathing. which wasn’t really what i was asking for, or, it wasn’t what i WANTED to ask for... but i guess, technically, that’s as far as i got in my question.

“who are you?” she’d ask. i would ask what that meant. who are you is an extremely broad question. i asked if she meant, “what do you value?” because that’s generally how i think of it. she said “what IS your value?”

i felt kind of bad, because just the other day i wrote about judging people for not thinking about stuff. and i had to tell her i didn’t think about that very much. maybe it was a lie. i don’t think HIGHLY of my value, but maybe i’ve thought about it before, because i obviously came to that conclusion at some point.

she tutted and smiled and shook her head. “you don’t understand yet,” she said.

i put all my self worth in my brain. i wanted to say that i felt like the thing i valued in myself didn’t exist, because i am not clever enough to figure out how to solve my own problems without someone else telling me what to do. i can’t do anything without someone else giving me directions on how to do it. how am i supposed to work at the edge of human understanding, and broaden our knowledge about how the universe works, if i can’t make up new rules? instead i said nothing and looked at the back of the door.

i put all my self worth in my brain because obviously i’m not going to be a viable life partner with my orientation. or my wonderful personality. (it’s not a wonderful personality.) or the plain, compact package i come in. or physical ability. but even my mind ain’t nothing special. it doesn’t even work right.

i’m afraid of accepting the idea that my therapists put forward, that “i’m special,” because i feel like it would mean that i think i’m... better in some way. and also because it’s the same thing my mom would tell me, in between slapping me around for being worthless and emotional and retarded. “you’re going to save the world,” she’d say, with this manic look in her eyes, a kind of intimidating grin. “you’re emotionally stunted,” she’d say, and she may not have been physically hitting me but it was basically the same. “you look retarded.” “do you want to go back to wearing diapers?” “i’m going to put you on a leash.” i’m only good for one thing. everything else i’m deficient in. emotions, taking care of myself, following directions... and i’m not even good at the one thing i had to be good at to be worth anything!

i write all this down and then i am too tight-lipped in therapy to make any progress. i considered printing out some entries and giving them to her, but she might see that i didn’t care for her sermons. like “you go to hell if you back out of this deal by killing yourself.” isn’t that horribly unfair? to the people with the actual neurotransmitter malfunctions that cause suicidal thoughts? it’s like saying that since some people can apparently will themselves out of cancer, everyone should be able to, and if you die because of cancer then you didn’t try hard enough and didn’t think positive enough. suicidal thoughts come from, like, prolonged chemical imbalances. that’s a medical thing. it’s not just about willpower. it’s not just about “trying harder.” i mean, those are aspects of it, recovery takes work, it doesn’t just go away when you start taking meds. but it’s... mean, to say it’s your fault and you’re weak and you go to hell if you kill yourself. it’s mean. depression hurts and it’s mean to scare people into hanging in there. it’s not the right way to convince someone to keep living. there are other ways to do that.

it’s hard to argue with someone in a conversation format. it’s easy to get interrupted, and if my train of thought gets derailed i tend to clam up and start just agreeing with everything they say until they’re done talking. i feel like the only way i could possibly get this stuff across to my therapist is if i wrote it down and gave her the note instead of talking. and it’s hard to challenge someone who is way older and more experienced than you are, even indirectly or gently. i don’t really have the stamina for a long debate, and starting this conversation would mean i’d have to commit for however long it takes to finish. i have enough trouble debating with people who DON’T have the “experience” edge over me.

the therapist example, of course, applies to my feelings on arguing with people in general. it’s exhausting. and i tend to get really stubborn, even when it’s not warranted. and being stubborn means i get frustrated when people don’t agree with my reasoning. maybe that’s common though... it runs a little deeper than that. stacking my entire sense of self worth on my intellect (whatever that is, and how powerful or not it might be) means it is really seriously super hard when people don’t listen to me. at least, listen to me about things i take seriously. i don’t care about disagreeing over whether or not adventure time is a good show. it’s... fun to hear other people’s points of view in lower stakes situations. and i do change my mind about that stuff. but like, arguing about the value of science. or how the illusion of masculinity hurts us all. or how people of other races should be treated with respect. i get burnt out. and i get the distinct feeling of flailing my arms ineffectually at the ocean.

i dunno. i’ve changed my mind on how to go about treating people of other races with respect over the years, as i’ve encountered more information. but to argue with people who disagree with the basic premise, that’s... heartbreaking, i guess.

and that’s what i was thinking about today!!! it’s been an hour and a half!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if you read this far i’m sorry i tricked you into looking at a bunch of exclamation points instead of a conclusion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#i talk about death and suicide here #but not in relation to myself #so try not to worry #this might be my longest journal post EVER!!!

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