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the-hilda-librarians-wife · 4 years

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The Mistakes We Made - Chapter Three

Summary:When her high school girlfriend comes back to town after two years with a baby and a terrible story she won’t tell, the Librarian has to deal with the feelings she had worked so hard to keep at bay.

notes: Uhhh so the notes I wrote are kinda importanta, but they’re too long, so if you really want to read them you can read it at ao3 lol. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Read it on ao3: (chpt1) (chpt2) (chpt3)

The bell rang loudly, interrupting Mrs. Kavindi’s speech about neoclassicist poetry. The woman tried to keep her students’ attention, but it was no use, as the teens were already putting their stuff away in their backpacks. Only a pair of grey eyes followed her hand as she wrote on the board, rapidly taking note of everything. Eventually, she sighed and let her hand drop to her side.

“Alright, everyone. You’re free to go.”

There were loud noises of chairs dragging on the floor and the chatter of the students as they hurriedly left the Literature classroom, eager to begin their weekend. The girl, however, took her time putting her pen in her pencil case, and her pencil case in her backpack. She checked her notes one more time, certifying herself that she had written in legible handwriting before she was out of the classroom and couldn’t ask the teacher any more questions.

She got up from the chair and put her backpack on her back, walking up to the teacher who had sat down on the table and was watching the students leave. Mrs. Kavindi raised her eyes when she realized the girl had gotten closer, and gave her a simile.

“Can we expect you this evening, Maven?”

The girl nodded. “I still have some topics to study for next month’s finals, but I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Kavindi’s smile widened as she watched her favorite student leave. The girl was a bit of an outcast, for sure, but by her experience, all the best people were.

_#_#_#_

Johanna bit back a groan when the boy came closer. His smug grin was infuriating, and it didn’t help matters when he leaned on his shoulder against the locker next to her.

“I don’t want to talk to you, Torrin.” She said as she put her math notebook back in its place. His blue hair fell over his face when he laughed.

“Why not?”

Johanna closed her locker’s door with more strength than necessary. “Because you’re a jerk.”

“Is this about about Dick? Is this why you’re angry?” He said the words in a mocking voice, making Johanna wonder what would be the penalty if she got caught burying a corpse. Maybe Maven would be up for it too and they wouldn’t get caught. It sounded like a good plan.

“What happened between me and your friend is our business. Not yours.” Johanna sighed. She was waiting for Torrin to answer when she sighted a spot of black coming towards her. Her mouth opened into a smile, her eyes moving from his strong face to beatiful, wise eyes, coming closer and closer, with a smile answering her own.

When Torrin realized he had lost Johanna’s attention, it was too late. Maven was already behind him, pulling his head back by grabbing a handful of his hair. He gasped at the feeling, though she hadn’t grasped quite hard enough to make him feel any pain.

“I believe you are unwanted here, Aven.” She stated coldly. She let his hair go, but not without taking a few strands with her. The boy turned to her, wide eyed with fright but feigning anger.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“Remember what you called my mother last month, when you and your gang threw eggs at our house?” She ignored him as she tied one of the strands around the others, making a little bundle. “You called her a witch. And you weren’t wrong.”

She put the bundle on her jacket pocket and looked at him in the eyes. “So tell me, Aven. What kind of thing do you think a witch can do with a few pieces of your ridiculous blue hair?”

Torrin cursed under his breath and left, taking long strides and making sure to bump on Maven’s shoulder hard enough to hurt. But the raven haired girl didn’t care. All she could focus on was her friend trying and failing to contain her fit of giggles.

“Your mother wouldn’t actually curse him, right?” Johanna asked once she had gotten a hold of her laughter.

“Well, she could. But she won’t because he’s just a stupid teen. It would be a waste of spell ingredients.” Maven looked at ground. She wasn’t ashamed of her mother’s religion, nor was she that she too had chosen to follow Wicca, but Johanna’s parents were extremely Christian and she didn’t like to see the involuntary judgement in Johanna’s eyes whenever she talked about her faith.

“Are you ready to go?” Maven asked right after. Johanna had already put everything she would need for the weekend in her backpack and it seemed useless to just stand there looking at each other.

“Oh. Yes, I am. There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

She sounded sad, Maven realized. That was unusual. Her Anna was always so full of happiness that whenever her mood changed it was easy to notice, at least for her.

They were silent as they finished crossing the school’s corridor and its front door. When they were finally outside, with the early autumn wind messing with their hair and the leaves on the trees by the sidewalk, she finally spoke.

“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about this when you asked at lunch. I didn’t feel like badmouthing someone then. But after that, I’ve no problem whatsoever with doing it.”

Oh, this is going to be good ,she thought but instead said “Torrin Aven is never good knews. Truly, only he is able to get you this upset.”

“You aren’t going to believe this, Maven! So, I had scheduled to help Richard study, correct?”

“I still don’t know why you accepted that, but yes, correct.”

“It turns out he didn’t want a hand with geometry! He was trying to trick me into going on a date with him!” She threw her hands up in frustration. “Who does that?!”

Maven snorted. “Stupid, obnoxious people, that’s who.”

Johanna sighed deeply, and looked both ways before both of them crossed the street to her block. “Honestly, I’ve never met one dateable boy. I wonder it I’m the problem, or if they are.”

She stopped in front of her house, turning to look at Maven before they bid goodbye. “You know, maybe I’m meant to be alone”, she said sadly. Maven’s eyes widened, and her mouth was slightly open with confusion.

“That’s not true!” The girl protested. “I mean, if you don’t want to be with anyone, that’s okay, but if you want a relationship, I doubt that you’ll stay much longer without one, Anna.”

“What makes you think so?”

“You’re a naturally loving person, for one. You’ve always been able to give your heart completely to the people you love.” She shrugged. “And you’re smart. And beautiful. And extremely kind. Anyone would be happy to have you. Now you just need to find someone who you think deserves you.”

Her long brown hair cascaded down her shoulder when she cocked her head. “You’re just saying this to make me feel better about being picky with boys.” She laughed nervously.

Maven sighed and blushed. Trying to flirt with a girl who grew up in a conservative household was a challenge indeed. But she had been doing it for five years and she wasn’t about to give up on her clueless Anna now. “I’m really not, though.”

She was rewarded with a hug and a peck on the cheek. “Thanks, Maven. You’re the best friend I could wish for.” She drew back and began heading for the door. “Same time same place?” Johanna asked as she looked for the keys in her backpack.

“Yup.”

With a smile, Johanna entered her house and closed the door again. A ghost of a smile passed through Maven’s lips. Though she had been wanting to be something more to Johanna ever since they were thirteen, being her best friend was already enough. It was more than an “antisocial creep”, as she was called in school, like her deserved. Johanna could be friends with anyone. With the jocks, the nerds, the popular people, the drama kids and the band kids. But she chose to stick with the graveyard keeper’s daughter, and she couldn’t be more grateful.

And yet, she was too selfish to stop wanting more.

_#_#_#_

“Oh, it seems someone else needs to go to her bedroom too.” Johanna said sweetly as she picked her baby up again. “Could you take the stroller to our room? I’ll try to calm her down a bit.”

“Oh, sure.” Maven quickly put her cup on the sink counter and went for the stroller, taking it through the narrow corridor beside the staircase that led to her mother’s old bedroom. She pushed on the door with her back, placing the stroller between the bed and the window.

She hoped Hilda didn’t mind having a cemetery for a view.

Johanna came in too not a moment later, singing her baby a lullaby that Maven was almost sure she recognized from somewhere, though she had no idea where. Her mother had never sung her lullabies, always going for stories to calm her down instead.

“Is she going to sleep in the stroller?”

Johanna sighed. “I don’t think I have another option. I left in a hurry, so I didn’t have time to disassemble her crib and bring it along.”

Maven bit her lip. What could have happened that made them practically run out of there? She swore that if in the end it turned out Aven had threatened them physically, there would be very few places that man would be able to hide in. She was already hated in town for being an outcast, so why not add murder to the list?

“Well, I think I have a smaller comforter stored somewhere. Do you want it?” She asked, wanting to help even if a little with their situation.

“No, I brought her blanket, but thank you.” Johanna gave her a really tired smile. “Do you have any children’s books, though? I didn’t bring hers, and she really likes the colours.”

Maven nodded. “I’ll be back in a second.”

_#_#_#_

It had been a fairly calm meeting, Maven mused as she put her sweater back on. The book club was rarely this way. Just in the last few months, she had already gotten into arguments about A Midsummer Night’s Dream and The Iliad, but it seemed like everyone had similar opinions this time, or at least no one had wanted to defend Alice when the majority of the participants had accused her of being a spoiled little girl who didn’t respect Wonderland’s traditions, just judging them all as “madness”.

She had been so concentrated on checking that everything she had brought was still in her simple brown leather purse that she barely realized that she was being spoken to. She raised her head and saw that the librarian, Mr. Kavindi, was talking to her.

“I’m sorry, sir, what was that?” She asked politely and he chuckled.

“I asked what are your plans for after school, little one.” Mr. Kavindi was a sweet man, with graying red hair and round glasses. He was wearing a blue sweater that was way too big for him. All his sweaters were like that, and she supposed it was because his wife knitted all of them for him.

“Oh yes, dear. I wanted to talk to you about this.” Said wife, Mrs. Kavindi, walked up to them and put her hand on his shoulder. Her wild dark brown hair framed her face, and combined with her green coat it made her look like a forest spirit. “Go on, Maven. I think he may be able to help.”

Maven looked from her teacher to the librarian. She really didn’t know what he could possibly do for her. The only help she needed was financial, and it was highly unlikely that a librarian had a lot of money to spare.

“I would like to study English, and then major in Library Science.” She said simply.

His eyes lit up and his usually kind face showed even more happiness. “Oh, so you want to steal my job, young lady?”

Maven put the purse’s strap on her shoulder and got up from the armchair she usually sat on, one with dark wood and magenta cushioning. She looked around the room that they used for their weekly meetings, one of the most secluded areas of the library, breathing in the calming smell of old parchment and ink that emanated from the hundreds of books piled upon shelves on the walls. Yes. Yes, she wanted to.

“You needn’t worry, sir. My mother doesn’t have enough money to pay for my college, and I really don’t think it would be wise to get in debt.” She’d probably just stay in Trollberg and learn her mother’s job. She was already quite familiar with it, and it wasn’t as if there was a queue of people wanting to be the knew cemetery keeper. In fact, she didn’t think there was a single soul that wanted it.

Mr. Kavindi frowned and seemed to deflate. His wife, on the other hand, kept pressing on. “And where would you study, if you had the money?”

She didn’t know why her teacher was asking this - she already knew. Maven had talked to her about her plans and why they wouldn’t work. But her teacher was a smart and helpful woman. It wouldn’t hurt to say again.

“In Ericsonberg University. It’s not a very long drive to make every day, or I could go by train and it would be even faster. Also, my best friend has already sent in her application and is probably going to study there.” Trollberg was a small town. It had very few options of higher education, and only a few courses were offered, most of them related to the forest and agriculture. Everyone else had to move away or choose a college in a nearby city.

“That is wonderful!” Mr. Kavindi chirped, looking like himself again. “I can help, then. I have a very close relationship with the dean!”

Maven made herself stand up straighter and looked at him with more attention. “Really?”

“Yes! We studied English in Oslo together! Why, Erica always told me you were such a great student, I’m sure I can work something out with him.”

Maven wasn’t the sentimental type, she really was not. But in that moment she felt such gratitude that a few tears nearly leaked from her eyes. Nearly.

“Would you do that?” She asked, just to be certain, just to check. It wasn’t offer something this good happened to her.

The librarian’s eyes softened, and he and his wife leaned their heads against one another’s. It was weird, to see those two people so similar and so in love. It was like they had been made for one another. It was cute. “Of course, little one. It isn’t often that we get a bright and curious mind like yours in a small town like this one. It would be a shame not to nurture it.”

Maven inhaled deeply with emotion. “Is there anything I can do to thank you?”

Mrs. Kavindi let go of her husband put both hands upon Maven’s shoulders. “You are already hard working and focused. I know we needn’t ask you that. But you’re lonely. So in return, I ask you to not get even more so. Keep that friend of yours around. Don’t let the rhythm of college pull you two apart, okay?”

She had to blink back a few tears at that. “Thank you. So much.”

Husband and wife shared a look, and before she knew, Maven was engulfed in a bone crushing hug. “We’re glad to be of help, young lady.” He said when he pulled back. “I’ll let you know when I hear back from the dean.”

“Now run along.” Her teacher said. “You have finals to study for.”

Maven smiled to them and headed to the door. She had something else to do, actually.

_#_#_#_

It turned out that her mother had kept all her favorite books from when she was a kid in a single box in their cramped little attic. After scaring a spider into moving away from the box, Maven dug in and grabbed the three first books she saw, walking away quickly and promising to come back soon with cleaning apparel.

The spiders she could live with, but a bunch of perfectly good books gathering dust crossed a line.

When she came back down, Hilda wasn’t crying anymore, but was clearly agitated in her mother’s arms. She approached Johanna very quietly. She didn’t know much about babies, so she wasn’t really sure if any noise could make matters worse or not. Even though Johanna’s eyes were focused on Hilda’s forehead, her gaze was so glassy that Maven doubted that she was actually seeing anything.

“Hey, I found them.” She placed the book by Johanna’s side on the bed. She desperately wanted to ask if she was okay, but she didn’t think she’d get an honest answer.

Johanna’s gaze cleared and she looked at the items before her. “Oh. Thank you, Maven.”

“Not for that.”

It felt like silence stretched for a long time after that, but realistically Maven knew it had only been a few seconds.

“So. I, uh, I’ll just read one of them for her and then sleep myself. Can I do anything for you?”

“No, it’s okay.” Maven rubbed at her eyes. Just looking at Johanna was making her tired. “Just get some rest. You look like a zombie.”

Johanna lifted her eyebrows. “Well, aren’t you a flatterer?” She asked mockingly.

“I speak only truths.” She said as she headed to the door. You look beautiful to me anyway. That truth she didn’t tell.

Johanna shook her head and got up from the edge of the bed. Maven’s heart felt entirely too tight as she watched from the doorway Johanna kiss her child goodnight before gently lowering her down to the stroller and tucking the blanket around her. The woman really had “mother” written all over her. The image of the two of them, so perfect and loving even through pain and exhaustion, was too much to bear, and Maven had to avert her eyes.

When Johanna turned to get one of the books to read to her baby, Maven was already at the bottom of the staircase.

_#_#_#_

Johanna fidgeted nervously with the sleeves of her jacket as she looked out of one of the Poet’s Retreat windows. Ever since she had arrived home that afternoon, she’d felt as if butterflies had taken flight in her belly. She didn’t think she’d ever been so nervous.

She had been stalling that realization for as long as she could, pushing the thought away whenever it popped in her mind, but honestly, she’d be a fool to ignore Maven’s feelings towards her after she’d all but declared her love, and even a bigger one if she denied her own feelings any longer when she had felt like she was melting inside when she had kissed her friend’s cheek.

She’d had a most unproductive afternoon, after that. She’d had been dealing with the thought of liking girls for some time now, so guilt wasn’t really a problem, especially since she wasn’t as religious as her parents, anyway. But the worry of not being able to share that part of herself with the people that had raised her had kept her thoughts away from her studies.

At least she knew there was a name for what she felt, for liking boys and girls. It kept at bay the feeling of being an alien in a small minded town. It was comforting. But it still didn’t hold back the shock that was admitting that she was in love with her best friend, regardless of gender.

When the clock in the wall near the counter marked five in the afternoon and Maven still hadn’t arrived, Johanna began thinking something was off, which didn’t help her matters when she was already trembling with nervousness. She was always so punctual, arriving right after her book club ending, precisely at five to five. And she wouldn’t have just forgotten it either. They’d had this appointment ever since they first went to the Poet’s Retreat together: 5 p.m. every Tuesday and Friday. Even if they didn’t have the money or didn’t feel like ordering anything, they’d go in and talk. About their days, their worries, their parents, their studies, or even about dumb things they saw in the internet. They never missed it unless there was something very important they needed to do, or if one of them was sick, in which case they’d visit each other in their houses in the time they were supposed to be there. It was their tradition, their thing. Maven wouldn’t miss their eight year old tradition unless something had happened.

Johanna was just going to call her when the bell that hung above the cafe’s door jingled and she turned to see who was it, relieved as she watched Maven come in. She looked radiant with happiness, and she couldn’t wait to find out what got her like this.

Without breaking eye contact with Johanna, Maven walked closer with a shy smile, while her friend grinned at her. She pulled her usual chair back and sat down, chewing on her bottom lip before she whispered.

“You won’t believe what happened!”

“What did?” Johanna asked as she tried her best not to get distracted by said lip.

“Mr. Kavindi says he knows Ericsonberg English College’s dean. He will try to get me in!”

Johanna’s jaw dropped. For more than an year now, she’d been worrying about what would happen to Maven when High School was over, knowing very well her widow mother couldn’t really afford an expensive college like those of the cities nearby, nor could she pay for a place for Maven to live at in the further away cities that offered cheaper education. So this was practically a blessing that fell down from the skies.

“Are you serious? How?”

“I still don’t know exactly.” Maven said, trying to get the buttons of her coat undone. “Most likely they’ll give me some tough exam or something. But I’ll make it.” She got all of them out of their holes and lifted her head to look at her friend. “I have to.”

Johanna reached out and grabbed her hand “Yes, you will. And if you need help, you can count on me.” She said, squeezing it slightly.

Maven smiled and intertwined their fingers upon the table, making Johanna’s heart skip a few beats. She swore that that coy smile would kill her one day. “Thank you, Anna. I feel like coffee”, she said suddenly. “Will you join me?”

She didn’t quite think that coffee was the best option for her already on edge nerves, but it was a special occasion. It called for celebratory coffee.

“Sure.”

Maven got up, then, and told their order to the barista who already knew them by name. She came back a few minutes later, handing her a cup with a lot of cream.

“I forgot to give you the money!” She exclaimed after taking a sip of the heavily sweetened down drink.

“That’s okay. I did a cleaning job for my cousin a few days ago, this one’s on me.”

Half an hour passed comfortably. Maven told her of how the library’s book club went, and Johanna took the chance to discuss a book she was reading. She felt she could talk to her friend for hours; Maven was so intelligent and well read, it was nearly impossible to get bored when she was near. But their cups were long since empty, and it was time to go. However, there were still things Johanna needed to say.

“Do you want to take a walk in the park? It’s going to be a beautiful sunset by the looks of it.”

Maven bit her lip. She really needed to go home to study, but that really was an offer she couldn’t refuse. So she nodded and they got up, and walked to a little known park near Johanna’s place, one that had many flowers growing wildly and randomly due to lack of attention from the city hall, and even had a small fountain, though cracked in a few places and waterless.

“How does Mr. Kavindi know Ericsonberg’s dean?”, Johanna asked eventually, when they stopped to admire a few celosia flowers. Maven stretched her memory.

“They went to college in Oslo together, if I remember correctly.”

Johanna frowned. “The librarian went to Oslo? But that’s an amazing college! How come he ended up working in a little town? He sounds like he’s from the north, so he can’t have family here!”

That made sense, Maven though. With a good graduation and his natural talent, Mr. Kavindi could probably get a job in a way better place. Sure, Trollberg’s library was gigantic, but that was mainly due to the efforts of one of the first mayors in its history, who had hoped that the town would grow to be one of intellectuals. Maven nearly pitied him.

“Mrs. Kavindi said once that they had met when they were in college and she took a trip to Oslo”, Maven remembered, lifting her eyes to the orange sky on top of them. “And her family is from here. So he probably came to live here because of her.”

“Oh.” Johanna breathed. If that was the case, it was probably one of the most romantic acts she had heard of outside her books. “That must have been quite a sacrifice.”

“Not really” Maven shrugged. “It must have payed off. When you love someone, and they love you, you do whatever it takes to be with them, don’t you?”

Out of the corner of her eye, Johanna realized that Maven had stopped looking at the sky, and was now looking at her. She felt her heart accelerate, beating madly against her ribcage as she faced her friend back.

There were so many things that needed to be discussed. Johanna knew that ideally, she should probably talk about her feelings and the things she had found out first. But Maven was looking at her with so much affection in her beautiful grey eyes, and her short dark hair was just a little bit messy because of the wind, and the golden light of the sunset was throwing golden shadows on her angular face, and honestly, Johanna was just human.

So she closed her eyes and leaned in.

And not after a moment later, Maven leaned in too.

The raven haired girl exhaled heavily. She had been deathly afraid of having mistaken her friend’s intentions, but found instant relief when Johanna pressed her lips against her own. Many thoughts filled her mind, of love and victory and confusion, but she pushed them all aside: she could deal with them later. When she was alone in her room, and Johanna wasn’t kissing her.

Maven took Johanna’s bottom lip between hers, and sighed again at their taste of sweet coffee and honey, being answered with a similar sigh from her love. They hadn’t had any honey at the cafe. She wondered if her lips always tasted like that somehow.

Oh, how she wanted to find out the answer for that question.

She wished she could stay there forever, in that beautiful place with untamed flowers, in that perfect moment of golden light, that little natural miracle that was when day met night. But too soon, they pulled away.

And Maven didn’t “grin”. For most of the town, save her family and Johanna, she didn’t even smile. But in that moment, she was grinning like an idiot. Like the lovesick idiot she had become.

“ I, uh-“ Johanna began, blushing strongly but also with a gigantic smile on her face. “I’m sorry it took so long for me to get the hint. A- about you and about myself too.”

Gods, she looked so cute it was nearly impossible to gather any rational thinking, Maven thought. “Do… do you?” She asked, only realizing that she hadn’t asked a complete question when Johanna cocked her head in confusion. “L-like me, I mean.”

She cursed herself for stuttering, but stopped bothering when Johanna’s face opened up in a smile again. “Yes, I do. Very much.”

And after that, when they didn’t know what to say, they kissed again. And again. And even as she walked home alone later, the stars and the moon her only companions, Maven began thinking that maybe, just maybe, that beautiful dusk could last forever.

_#_#_#_

The Librarian shut the door behind her and all but threw herself on the grey duvet of her bed, feeling the hard mattress against her back. She was downright exhausted. For two years, she had made herself accept the fact that she would never see Johanna again, she had locked her feelings for her where she thought it was safe to say that they wouldn’t haunt her again, and yet there she was. Back in her town, back in her house, back in her damn heart.

She slowly got up from the bed, walking to her windowsill seat and sitting down. Johanna had always had such light around herself that Maven sometimes felt as if she needed to squeeze her eyes to look at her directly. She just radiated warmth that she had craved so deeply. But now that there was a baby, she all but glew whenever it was near. She had been through so much, had gotten her heart broken, and it was clear on her eyes how much she had suffered, but it was also clear that her ability to love had, if anything, multiplied.

Maven drew her legs up to her chest and looked at the waning moon, leaning her head against the bedroom window and catching her own eyes in the reflection. Johanna was so bright and comforting and nutouring, and she was cold and lonely and eerie.

So it didn’t matter that she was back. It didn’t matter that she was staying at her house. It didn’t matter that her heart sang whenever she looked at Johanna and her baby. After all, she told herself as she drew her eyes away from the moon and to its glow on her pale hands, Sun and Moon could never be lovers. The day could never be with the night.

Dusk was just a fleeting moment. Eventually, darkness always came.

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