#leo is so iconic when he leads the class in walking out uwu

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith #15: Mr. Smith Becomes A Professor

Mr. Smith sat back in his chair on a warm September morning, the first day of the autumn semester. The leaves had not started to fall from the trees, and as Mr. Smith peered out his window he could see Greenbirds hopping around on the field by the lake. Mr. Smith sighed, wishing desperately that he could pet those Greenbirds, which for some reason always flew away. Besides, he had an important job to do- today was his first day as a professor, teaching Child Psychology to a bunch of pretentious stuck up nerds and his friends, who he had blackmailed into joining the class.

Mr. Smith smiled to himself as students began to enter the class and take their seats. Mr. Smith’s friends all sat down next to Mr. Smith’s desk. Mr. Smith stood up, turning on his computer with the syllabus displayed on the screen. It was five minutes until the class began, but Mr. Smith figured it was time to start. “Hello, class. Welcome to Child Psychology. My name is Mr. Smith, but you must call me -“ Mr. Smith paused upon seeing who entered the classroom. He gasped. “YOU! The gay geniuses! Oh no! What do I do? I have to teach a class and now you’re going to make me look STUPID!”

Leo and Ritchie groaned while Alex held back a laugh. “We’re in class with YOU? Oh dear lord. This is going to be a long semester, unless of course you inevitably quit your job once you remember that we’re smarter than you,” Leo said.

“Now you listen here, devil spawn! I’M the genius here! You’d better RESPECT me, or you’ll be forced to leave this class!” Mr. Smith stamped his foot.

“Shouldn’t you be teaching instead of arguing with us?” Asked Ritchie.

Mr. Smith gasped. “You’re right! Oh no! Um, welcome to Child Psychology class. My name is Mr. Smith, but that’s Dr. Smith to you, because I have recently gotten my PhD in psychology, which is why I’M the genius here, and all of you stuck up intellectual rich brats had better not forget it!”

“Did you just insult the entire class?” Alex asked.

“People insult me all the time!” Amy said. “When I was working at Target, I kept forgetting what to type into the cash register, even though what they bought was right in front of me, and people would tell me I wasn’t qualified to work there. It was so annoying!”

“That is annoying! When I worked at Target, I would lose the stuff people bought right after they gave it to me, and spend twenty minutes looking for their purchases when I had put them under the cash register. People talked to my manager and I got fired. It was a-nnoying!” Susan replied.

“Oh my God, that’s so relatable!” Amy high fived Susan, who sat next to her.

“They fired you?!” Frankie asked, alarmed. “What a cruel world for the working class! America is supposed to be land of the free and home of the brave! How villainous your boss must have been! To leave you out on the street like that!”

“Actually, I was living with my parents still, I was sixteen-“ Susan began.

“Oh, you were but a little sixteen year old girl! A child! How sadistic the system is to children! Poor, hard working children slaving away for hours at a cash register! It’s back to the Industrial Revolution! These are tough times for us all! Poor, young, naive, innocent Susan! A victim of the rich liberal elite!” Bob began to sob.

“I hate the rich liberal elite. They refuse to acknowledge hard working kitty cats and how we contribute to society as a whole! Cats should have equal rights with humans! I want a cat to be president one day!” Kitty yelled.

“I want to see a trans person in office one day,” Alex said.

“A trans person?! A cat would make a better president than a trans person! Trans people are delusional!” Kitty paused. “Oh, look at the clock. It’s time for my nap. Cats sleep multiple hours a day, you know.” Kitty laid his head down, closed his eyes and began to meow softly.

“Please, TEACH the class, Mr. Smith.” Ritchie groaned.

“Yes, let’s try not to make this as painful as possible,” Leo remarked.

“That’s DR. Smith to you!” Mr. Smith pounded his fist on the white board.

“Oh yeah?” Ritchie snorted. “What was your dissertation on?”

Mr. Smith began to gesture with his hands and mouth words no one could hear. “Is a dissertation a type of dessert?”

“No. Oh my God!” Leo facepalmed.

“What is your PhD in?” Asked Ritchie.

“I studied genius IQ in children at the puppy farm! Did you know children from the puppy farm have more consistent scores on standardized tests?” Mr. Smith asked.

“Do you mean they all fail?” Asked Leo.

“Yes! Because their minds are pure with the beautiful, creative freedom of thought taught at the puppy farm! These children know all about Greenbirds and Oak Trees, but these tests simply don’t know how to measure intellect. If they did, why do all these geniuses score so low?” Mr. Smith scratched his head.

“Jesus Christ,” Swore Leo.

“Just get on with reading the syllabus.” Ritchie sighed.

“Ok, devil spawn,” Mr. Smith said. “First, there are no tests. You will instead be asked to prove your genius level intellect at the end of the semester by playing a game of Jenga against me. If you lose, you’re obviously not a genius and you fail automatically. If you refuse, you fail again.”

“That’s not very fair-“ Ritchie began.

“Shut up devil spawn! I’m the genius here! I know what I’m doing!” Mr. Smith threw a marker from the board on the ground.

“You’re such a cute professor,” Said Philip. “I’ve never had a professor as handsome as you.” Philip smiled in a daze, then snapped to attention. “But no homo, right?”

Mr. Smith sighed. “You’re cute too. No homo.”

“You can’t flirt with the students, that’s completely inappropriate!” Alex said.

“What does the word, “flirt” mean?” Asked Mr. Smith.

“I think it means that thing on a male’s neck that moves when you talk.” Philip said.

“You’re such a genius, Philip. You’re almost as much of a genius as me,” Mr. Smith said. “Anyway, there are no assignments, except one quiz. The quiz is just, ‘True or False: Mr. Smith is the smartest person to ever live.’ If you answer differently than how I want, you fail.

“Next on the syllabus is attendance. If you don’t constantly remind me that I’m smarter than you, I will count it against your class participation and attendance and you will fail. Writing this was a lot of work, so that is the end of my syllabus. Now we will move on to lecturing.” Mr. Smith pressed a button and began his slides.

“Now, before we begin, let’s establish some background knowledge. Does everyone know what a child is?” Mr. Smith addressed the class.

“Are you kidding me? This is Child Psychology. Of course we know what a child is!” Leo exclaimed furiously.

“Well, as your professor, I have to account for the fact that most of you did not attend the school of the puppy farm, and are wherefore not as educated as me. And that some of you are level 10 or 50 IQ.” Mr. Smith said smugly.

“For the last time, I am obviously not a level 10 IQ, and Ritchie is obviously not a level 50 IQ! We are both geniuses and you are just jealous of us!” Leo snapped.

Mr. Smith scatched his chin, then began to gesture with his hands and mouth things. “I didn’t have any jello with the sandwich Mom packed me today.”

“That’s not what jealous means!” Leo snapped.

“Shut up and let me lecture, devil spawn, or I will give you a Detention!” Mr. Smith stamped his foot.

“This is college, you can’t give me a detention-“ Leo began.

“Shh!” Mr. Smith shushed him. “Let’s discuss the maturity of children. Despite common miscontraceptions, children are very mature. I know this because people are always comparing me to a very young child, and I’m very mature. Children must wherefore be very mature and geniuses, and lose their genius intelligence as they get older, except me because I have 1 million level IQ.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Said Leo. “You’re not qualified to teach us anything! That’s it! I’m walking out! Who’s with me?”

Ritchie and Alex got up to leave, followed by several other students. Mr. Smith yelled, “Wait! Don’t go!” More students got up to leave, so Mr. Smith became enraged. He ran to his desk, picked up his computer monitor and chucked it out the window. “Whole lot of good you did me!” Then he picked up one of the student’s backpacks and threw it across the room. Then he tipped his desk over and dumped water all over his computer, and chucked that out the window for good measure. As more students began to leave, Mr. Smith ran to the whiteboard and began to pound on the white board while yelling, until finally everyone was gone, including his friends who thought it would be funny to leave and make Mr. Smith angry.

Mr. Smith ran out into the hallway. “That’s IT! I’ve had it with you gay geniuses! I quit! I’ll never teach ever again!” Then he called the dean and quit his job, which he had only gotten because the dean had eaten yet another apology pot brownie from Mr. Smith’s father.

Fin.

***

#that moment of horror when you realize mr. smith is your child psych professor #that syllabus though #three setences long #must be a record #leo is so iconic when he leads the class in walking out uwu #that iconic ritchie moment when he asks mr. smith what his dissertation was even on #we love to see it #two adorable gay geniuses #original story #silly story #ridiculous story #amy and susan #mr. smith and philip #philip and simon #bob and frankie #kitty #cute gay couple #fictional gay couple #fiction