#let the jury know i fucking love jily

[theprodigypenguin]

A8 jegulus (can it end well? Love your work!!)

A: Angst - 8: “Am I not enough for you?”

Whoo boy I was determined to finish this before going to bed. I started watching The Great British Baking Show and got SO distracted (for the record I’m glad Diane is gone and Iaine didn’t deserve to get sent home because that fucking BITCH literally sabotaged him). Anyway. This almost got too deep for me, but I managed to rein it in a bit. The information collected about Abandonment Issues was found on this website. Enjoy!

Regulus had abandonment issues. At least that’s what he read in the Muggle help book he’d found sitting on his usual table tucked into the furthest back corner of the library.

It was circular and hidden between tall bookshelves filled to spilling over with outdated textbooks and scrolls that had been shoved there once they’d lost their use. Regulus found some comfort and solidarity by taking that table, because no one else ever seemed to use it. It was too musty back there, there wasn’t enough light because the old glass was cloudy and likely hadn’t been washed in centuries. Regulus figured he was the only person who ever sat there, but the hard cover self help book he’d found sitting there was arguably not his.

At first he was bothered by the fact that someone had stolen his secret space, tainting it with pointless Muggle items. He’d wandered back there in the middle of the day in a horrible mood, silently seething and shaking as he kept his head down and avoided Madam Pince by sliding down the side aisle while she was organizing books at her desk. He wanted seclusion, he wanted to curl into the chair with his feet pulled onto the cushion and the hood of his cloak pulled onto his head and down over his eyes so no one who passed by would see the angry tears cutting down his cheeks as he wrapped his arms around his knees and muffled the sounds of frustrated sobs against his trousers.

It was infuriating, being James Potter’s secret boyfriend. When they’d started their relationship, Regulus had known it would be behind curtains, secret rendezvous up in the Astronomy tower at midnight, sneaking out together to lounge on the grass at the edge of the Black Lake, wrapped around each other and laughing over silent jokes, indulging in each other when no one else could see, testing each other, seeing what was right, what they were comfortable with.

Both of them accepted no one could really know about them, but they were fine with it. Regulus was fine with it. It gave him a feeling of true elation to know he was the one who was dragging his hands down the plane of James’ stomach as the talented Quidditch Chaser pinned him to the wall hidden behind a tapestry barely big enough to hide them. Regulus was the one tasting James’ lips and feeling the texture of his hair between his fingers. James was his, and no one knew it, and that was exciting. A silent rebellion on Regulus’ part, because when he was snogging James senseless, half of him was feeling the brutal smugness, knowing how furious his parents would be, revolting in such a damning way.

It was a game, but every day, every week they spent in a decided relationship, the hesitant touches growing more confident and the curious eyes darkening with resolution had Regulus weak. It was just a game, but he was enjoying himself far too much. He liked it too much. He liked James too much. Falling like he’d been hit in the chest with a Bludger and toppled off his broom a hundred feet in the air with the Golden Snitch clutched above his heart, hoping to everything James would be the one to catch him. Regulus liked him.

Maybe that was why it was so painful, a hot iron twisted into his gut, seeing James standing so close to that Evans girl with a brilliant smile on his face, leaning one shoulder against the wall with his arms folded, looking too cocky, too confident, too interested in the red hair and green eyes, the lips that had scowled at him for six years but were now cresting in a soft smile.

Regulus already knew James had been interested in Lily for a great deal of time, interest that had turned to a crush in fifth year. He’d heard Peter, Remus, and Sirius tease James about his admiration before, had heard Snape brooding and hissing about how Lily deserved better, James was an overconfident pig, Lily would never be interested him in a million years. Yet there she was, seventeen and looking at James the same way he’d looked at her for years.

Regulus’ relationship with James was still young, admittedly, but in the few months they’d been together, he’d gotten attached, he’d started to trust, and now he felt like he was being left behind, simply because he’d seen James smiling at a girl Regulus knew he liked. James wouldn’t do that though, right? He wouldn’t break it off with Regulus just because he thinks he finally has a chance with Lily Evans. Or maybe he would. This whole time, the tender fingers on his cheeks and the lips on his forehead, had they just been ways for James to distract himself from Lily? Was he just using Regulus? Or was he just overreacting?

That’s when he reached out to the book on the table, flipping it open and reading a few lines until he realized it was a self help book. He turned the pages lazily, trying to distract himself, ignoring the few tears that had managed to squeeze out of his eyes. His body went rigid when he got to a particular chapter at the end of the book, titled appropriately with “Signs of Abandonment Issues”. Regulus read on autopilot, his heart in his throat.

“You’re Afraid to Turn Down Requests: There’s a huge difference between being kind and being afraid of further abandonment. There’s something wrong if you can’t say no. If you think that letting them down will make them leave you in an instant, you likely have abandonment issues. You Easily Get Jealous: If you have abandonment issues, there’s always something to be jealous about. You don’t like it when your otherwise loyal partner hangs out with their friends. When jealousy becomes a serious issue, you’ll always be insecure about your partner’s loyalty.

“You’re Afraid to Open Up: After months of being quiet and alone in class, you find someone genuinely interested in you. The two of you become the best of friends, only for this person to leave you for a new set of pals. You’ll begin thinking that you’re never enough, that you’re easily replaceable. You put up walls around you because it’s not worth the risk of being hurt again. Abandonment has made you a cold, unapproachable person. Making yourself hard to approach prevents otherwise good people from entering your life. If you’re actively deterring others from knowing you better, how can you find the people that are actually worth the risk? Being left out makes you think it’s better to be left out all the time. You Want to Have the Perfect Partner: Nobody’s perfect, you’re always going to find an issue because you’ve set unrealistic expectations for them. You’ll never find that perfect someone because they don’t exist. You’re going to turn down people who are imperfect but are otherwise honest, reliable, and kind.

“You Have Low Self-Esteem: Abandonment issues arise when someone important in your life disappoints you big time. Even if it’s not your fault, you might blame yourself for the outcome. You’ve Become Passive: People don’t normally see a single mistake as a major setback, but experiencing heartache over and over again can change how a person views their life. You’re always accepting the things that happen in your life, there’s nothing under control, so for people with abandonment issues, it’s normal to fail every day. Being passive also often means becoming a pessimist, a spectator in your own life, you don’t see the good in it. You’ve become so intent on seeing the bad side of things that the positive outcomes go unnoticed. If you do realize that something good is happening, your mind tells you that it’s not going to last. Any success is a mere oddity. Being abandoned does this to you: It tears down your belief in the goodness of others. Constant disappointment ruins your sense of hope and love. You no longer view life as having two sides of a coin: One good, one bad. For you, it’s just going to get worse from here on out.

Abandonment issues come from being wounded by an important person in your life unexpectedly leaving you. If you are someone who pays little attention to your own feelings in general, you are likely to minimize the emotional impact of painful events, such as your original abandonment.”

Regulus read over the section again and again, somehow his mind returning to Sirius at the end of it all, how betrayed he’d felt when his parents looked at him sullenly and scowled that Sirius had been sorted into Gryffindor, how lonely he felt in his own home when Sirius had returned for the summer in aggressive reds and golds, grinning like he’d found new fire in his life, barely sparing Regulus a glance as he locked himself in his bedroom and turned it inside out, pinning up posters throughout the years, writing his friends and proudly displaying his house. Then the summer he was disowned.

Regulus remembered how clammy his hands had been as he clung to the banister and slowly descended the stairs to watch where his mother and brother were screaming in the hall. There was an angry bruise on Sirius’ jaw, his lip busted open and bleeding, his gray eyes alight in madness and a bag of bare belongings on his shoulder. He stopped yelling, letting his mother scream profanities at him and casting his eyes up the stairs to Regulus, narrowing in resentment as his lips curled into a scowl.

Don’t leave me here alone, Regulus remembered the thought that never made it to his mouth, wondering idly what Sirius would have done in that moment if Regulus had spoken, begged him not to go. Instead he stood, passive, and watched Sirius leave, slamming the door and knocking picture frames from the walls in his violent exit. His mother screamed, Regulus hugged the banister, sliding down to sit on the stairs and staring at the door as if he actually thought Sirius would come back for him.

He didn’t.

Was that why Regulus couldn’t stop shaking at the prospect of James leaving him for Lily? After months of memorizing each other, after James finally made Regulus laugh, snickering into his hands as they hid in the broom closet just outside the Transfiguration classroom, would James really do that? Why?

Maybe because Regulus just wasn’t good enough. In the months they’d been together, it had taken Regulus a long time to so much as hold James’ hand, even longer to graduate from hesitant kisses to full on snogging sessions with hands holding tight to clothes and hair, but they’d yet to go further. Is that what James wanted? He wanted to sleep with Regulus? Regulus was acting like a prude, giving James so little, and that’s why he was looking at Evans again; because he wasn’t getting what he wanted from Regulus.

Don’t leave me here alone.

He went in search of James, stupid Muggle book clutched between his hands, and shouldn’t have been surprised when the person he literally ran into first was Remus Lupin, Sirius at his side. Regulus bumped hard enough into Remus to stagger back in shock, though Remus didn’t move an inch, looking somewhat taken aback at Regulus’ sudden appearance. Sirius bristled from beside his friend, holding a hand in front of Remus like he was trying to protect him from Regulus, who looked behind them expecting to see James but realizing with crushing disappointment they were alone.

“Can you maybe watch where you’re running?” Sirius asked harshly, and Regulus turned his eyes to him. “I should expect better from a goody two shoes Slytherin Prefect.” His statement held bite, but Regulus noticed the way his face softened into confusion. “Why are your eyes red?”

“Hey that’s my book.” Remus pointed deftly at the book in Regulus’ hand, and Regulus snapped his eyes to him. “My mum sent it, said I might like it. Left it in the library.”

Regulus felt something odd in his throat as he immediately stepped forward to shove the book against Remus’ chest, then hurried around him, leaving he and Sirius to watch after him as he jogged down the hall back towards where he’d last seen James in the courtyard with Lily.

Part of him didn’t want to see him again, see him standing leaning towards that Evans girl with that smile, he felt like he might vomit if he saw it again, but he needed to talk to James, before he had a complete breakdown. He just needed to know.

He was both relieved and upset to find the courtyard was empty, because James wasn’t with Lily, but he wasn’t there either. What if he’d snuck off with Lily somewhere? What if he was in the broom closet just inside the door? Regulus backed up into the castle, his pulse in his throat making it hard to breathe as he turned to face the broom closet, reaching a hand towards the door knob but freezing. If they were in there they could be snogging, or worse. What was Regulus supposed to do when he saw that? Saw his boyfriend shagging a woman? He didn’t know what to do, until a voice spoke into his ear.

“Alright there, Reg?”

Regulus flailed in shock, letting out a yelp as he tripped over his own feet, and probably would have hit the ground hard if James hadn’t reached out to grab him, lunging towards Regulus to hook an arm around his back so it looked like he was dipping the Slytherin mid dance. James looked startled for a moment at Regulus’ clumsiness before a cocky grin took to his lips.

“Well now, Little King, I knew you were falling for me, but I didn’t realize it was so literal.”

Regulus felt his face burn, scrambling to straighten up and stand on his own, stepping away from James until his back was against the closet door and staring at James with wide eyes like he’d done something wrong. James’ smile faded as he seemed to quickly pick up on Regulus’ mood, taking a step closer and lifting a hand but pausing when Regulus flinched.

“What’s going on? Why are you making that face?” James furrowed his brow, and something that could have been mistaken as protectiveness filtered into his eyes. “Did something happen?”

“Am I not enough for you?” Regulus blurted, and James stared with a blank face, looking truly confused.

“Huh?”

“I saw you earlier with Evans,” Regulus quickly explained, and James’ eyes grew wide, brows shooting up in realization, but there was no guilt or shame from being caught. “Am I not enough?! This is because we haven’t done anything, right?!”

James shot forward to cover Regulus’ mouth with a hand, pulling him away from the closet door as it was opened abruptly and a Ravenclaw girl stuck her head out, looking annoyed.

“Do you two mind? I’m trying to kiss the daylights out of someone in here!”

“Very sorry about him,” James apologized quickly, keeping a hand over Regulus’ mouth, one arm wrapped around his shoulders to keep him close. “Drank a potion a while ago, told him not to test it on himself, fool wouldn’t listen, now he’s spouting nonsense. I’m gonna take him to get some air, you two have fun in there.” James turned, slowly pulling his hand away and leading Regulus back to the door leading out into the courtyard. “Let’s go, Reg, get you some fresh air. You’ll be back to normal in no time.”

Regulus was speechless for several reasons, mainly humiliation that he’d blurted that out, and the fact someone had actually heard him, someone had actually been snogging in that closet and heard him and probably were very suspicious of what Regulus was yelling at James for. Fuck, she was a Ravenclaw, she probably already realised.

James lead him away from the courtyard and down towards Black Lake. No one else was around, and James seemed to eye the area for a moment before dubbing it safe, then released Regulus and turned to him.

“Now what’s gotten into you? What nonsense are you babbling about?”

“I saw you with Evans,” Regulus said dumbly, feeling like a major idiot as James arched an eyebrow.

“Yeah? She’s in my house and she’s Head Girl, sometimes I have to talk to her,” he paused before shaking his head. “You didn’t think I was flirting with her or something, did you?”

Regulus felt like passing out as his hands curled into fists. “Were you?”

James just snorted, taking a confident step forward and leaning to get into Regulus’ face. “No,” he said firmly, and Regulus felt his eyes burn. “Merlin, Regulus, what stupid thoughts go through that head of yours? You really think I’d cheat on you?”

Regulus took a shaky breath. “I-I saw you and thought, maybe, because I’m so difficult, because we don’t… do things.”

“You think I care about that?” James gaped. “I’m perfectly happy with the simple romantic dynamic we have, even if it’s a secret.” He reached out to cup his hands around Regulus’ face, thumbing at his cheeks where the tears from earlier had dried. “You’ve really been crying over this, huh? You’re a real idiot, Regulus Black.”

Regulus frowned in mild irritation, glaring at James. “You’re the idiot, James.”

“What for?”

“A smart person wouldn’t agree to go out with someone like me.”

James just grinned, looking entirely too amused. “Huh, guess you do have a point. We’re both idiots then. Only an idiot would still be dating me, with all my flaws in tact.”

Regulus just frowned at that, vaguely recalling what he’d read in the self help book and lifting a hand to touch the back of James’ arm gently. “I don’t mind that,” he said, and it must have been out of character for him, certainly not what James was expecting, because suddenly James looked shocked as Regulus slid his fingers up to cup the back of James’ hand on his face. “I don’t need you to be perfect or flawless, you know.” He shut his eyes, wondering what kind of mess he looked like with the dry tears on his pathetic face. “Just… don’t leave me alone.”

Instead of answering with words, James pulled Regulus closer, ducking his head so he could kiss Regulus, willing all of his feelings and promise and forever to seep from his lips and into Regulus’ body. It was the first time they’d kissed out in the open like this, in the middle of the day, where anyone could see them, but somehow Regulus couldn’t find it in him to care. So long as he knew James was still his, he didn’t care about anything else.

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#jegulus #amelia writes mini fics #mini fics #james potter #regulus black #regulus arcturus black #seekerchaser #send me prompts #let the jury know i fucking love jily #i also love jegulily #i love lily evans potter in general #but I did indeed use her as an angst decive #yeet i guess