#like 'im not lazy or overreacting etc i have this thing thats CAUSING this'

[cosmicdisastr]

don't you just love seeing 1 tiktok about something that can be wrong with your body that you resonate with which leads you down a rabbit hole of research and diagnosing yourself with a new thing that explains everything you've been dealing with but didn't have the words for but you don't want to bring up official diagnoses with your doctor bc you either can't afford the testing or you're afraid you wouldn't be believed and/or told you're wrong even though you KNOW something is wrong w you but dont have the mental energy to pursue it and so you just walk around with a bunch of shit in your head about things you may or may not have but cant/wont do anything about and scream

#first it happened with adhd #then autism #then sleep apnea #now its joint hypermobility syndrome causing the pain in my hands bc ive ALWAYS been told im double jointed #turns out that can fuck up your fingers and wrists and all your joints in general #which yeah usually hurt #ive also diagnoses myself with mild restless leg but that wasnt bc of tiktok and really usually only affects me when i take melatonin #having a body is bullshit tbh #im also fully aware of the possibility that i have absolutely nothing diagnosable wrong with me and im just weird and in pain inexplicably #but having words for what it COULD be is fun and helpful #bro theres just no other explaination why at 22/23 i began having intense muscular and joint pain in my hands my FIRST YEAR having a job #and ive been told its not carpal tunnel its just inflamation but like I DONT USE MY HANDS ENOUGH FOR IT TO BE A CONTINUED YEARS LONG PROBLEM #there has to be something else going on dude and i dont think i have full blown EDS so JHS makes more sense #idk #i just get so frustrated with the way my body refuses to work properly #and at least calling it something helps me rationalize it #like 'im not lazy or overreacting etc i have this thing thats CAUSING this' #/rant #im just having a day

[b00bconnoisseur]

I was literally almost finished with a painting. Like i sorta finished with the brush and was doing all the details with pen n stuff and my damn brother knocked over the cuppa water all over my pants, front and back, then on the painting itself, all over the table, all in my seat, inside one of my books, ON MY FUCKING SIGNATURE FROM BECKY ALBERTALLI on the thing from the event and not even on the whole thing. JUST on her signature.

And then i yelled at him "what the heck why did u do that!! You got water on everything!!!" And then told my mom and started to clean up all he did and tried to clean the painting because since i JUST painted it part of it was running and paint got smudged on the paper. I couldnt get it off. Im pissed cause ive spent hrs on it tho still not done then he does this. And i thought my mom would be on my side cause she knows how much my art means to me and she KNOWS how long each thing takes AND meeting becky albertalli was a ONCE IN A LIFETIME thing!!

and guess what? She fucking defends him and yells at me saying "u need to fucking calm down youre fucking overreacting! It was an accident u idiot. And thats all u do is paint u do nothing! And whats wrong with u? U know hes sensitive why would u yell at him!" And she's giving me a disgusted face like I was in the wrong! AND we were abt to leave and she said lets go and i said i just changed and he got water all over my pants and underwear i have to put on different ones and she said "are u serious? Oh CMON and it cant dry? No you're not changing u can let them dry stop being so dramatic" and i said "but its all on the front and back of my pants" and she said "so? THEY CAN D R Y" And yesterday i got my....time of the month...(tho idk if she knows abt it yet) so i REALLY needed/wanted to change my pants but nooo.

And then im sittin there flippin thru my watercolor book to make sure it didnt get on anything else and was gettin the water off my books n stuff and the whole time she was givin me a look like i was a fucking idiot and like i just threw something. Then the whole time shes sayin in a baby voice to my brother "its ok baby. It was just an accident. Youre ok. U didnt mean to." Etc. And she yelled and shushed me everytime i said/tried to say something

Then earlier she was tellin me how i do nothing but paint draw or get on my phone. How i literally do nothing and im always painting like if i want to paint i need to pick a specific time to do so. But i dont see HOW id do that considering we stay gone all fuckin day and dont come home till like 10 pm usually. Plus my mom was yellin at the top of her lungs at us earlier again how we dont do anything and that we're lazy piece of shits that has no appreciation for her or anyones stuff. And for all the stuff she goes thru. Etc.

*sigh* im sorry. I just needed to rant

#rant #my rants #random shitz #my mom #my brother #my fam #artists on tumblr #i just made this to get this off my chest im sorry #ignore this #art rant