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inventors-fair · 3 years

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Club Decks: What We Play

Fifteen decks, fifteen archetypes, fifteen strategies. For my students, not everyone can make a good deck, and/or they don’t necessarily have the resources to make what they’d like. Commander and stuff is the most difficult, but they enjoy Oathbreaker with the inexpensive and more or less accessible planeswalkers, and they don’t usually worry about Standard, Modern, or Pioneer.

Club decks have a number of cards of different rarities that I use to model them off of my first starter decks, back in Alara. There’s a fair amount of repeats and a good chunk of power, and they’re easy enough to model so that students can make their own.

Depending on the year (2020-21 being pretty disruptive), there are different criteria for “leveling up,” which means beating a number of students and then beating me to get a booster pack and a level in my ledger. There’s no limit, except you can’t level up more than once a week. Hey, I make enough to make kids happy, but not enough to give them a zillion packs.

Below the cut are my club decks, some notable cards, and why I made them the way that I did. Enjoy this little slice of Magic! If you’re looking to start similar programs or you’d like details as to how things are run, let me know and I can provide extended decklists and explanations.

1. White Equipment Voltron

Notable cards include:

Healer’s Hawk

Taj-Nar Swordsmith

Strata Scythe

Little things turn into big things. With a little bit of destruction and a whole lotta keywords, this deck is all about building up to a single aggressive Voltron creature that wrecks shop. It’s good about teaching different card types and keyword interactions, and hey, it feels good to swing with an 11/11 creature that started off as a 1/1, right?

2. Blue Tempo Control

Notable cards include:

Pestermite

Everdream

Tidespout Tyrant

This is the deck for advanced players. The big blue comes out with a lot of disruption, and this is the deck that often gets described as either “unfun” or “my favorite deck.” Bounce it, counter it, bounce my land to cycle, return your threat, disrupt, and so on and so forth. Not every deck has a difficulty curve like this, but it’s satisfying to say the least.

3. Black Sacrifice Everything

Notable cards include:

Butcher Ghoul

Whisper, Blood Liturgist

Priest of Forgotten Gods

“Synergistic” is an understatement. The number of death triggers and sacrifice triggers can easily win someone a game if they know how to interact properly. Forcing decisions upon your opponent and exploiting some awesome stuff from your side of the field makes this deck easy to play if you want to have things die and VERY easy if you know how to manipulate the board.

4. Red Discard into Madness

Notable cards include:

Spinehorn Minotaur

Dragon Mage

Glint-Horn Buccaneer

I’ll admit, this deck is a bit of a pet project and one of my favorites. Ditching cards to draw cards feels great to me! I love madness, I love looting, and I love throwing a bunch of stuff away to make big things before getting it all back later. As much tuning as it needs, this deck is another advanced joy for people that love to make niche ideas work to the best of their ability.

5. Green Lands & Boys

Notable cards include:

Timbermaw Larva

Howl of the Night Pack

Kalonian Twingrove

Sometimes you just want an easy ramp deck. The small end of this gets lands and has some landfall, and the big end just wrecks shop with the big and powerful creatures that we all know and love from green. It’s easy to play and it’s easy to win with and sometimes, stomping is all you need to do. A great card for the Tim-Tams of the world.

6. UW Fliers Beatdown

Notable cards include:

Squadron Hawk

Watcher of the Spheres

Windreader Sphinx

I recently got my butt handed to me with this deck, and it’s not to be trifled with. Each deck has its own kind of evasion and whatnot, but this deck has got the early-game down and the late-game? Unstoppable. It’s designed to massacre you in the air and that’s what it does. Pumps, beats, and more. One of the first decks the kids loved.

7. UB Surveil Control

Notable cards include:

Notion Rain

Price of Fame

Thief of Sanity

“Really?” Yeah, well, here’s the thing: I built this deck when I didn’t have a whole lot of spare cards sorted, and that’s why I did it. As a block mechanic, though, surveil really is fun, and as a control player, the deck is pretty darn sweet. It’s beefy, powerful, and great flavor for the city. Fun fact: the Thief of Sanity I had is actually a misprint! It’s missing the rare sticker.

8. RB Goblins Snarl Rage Win

Notable cards include:

Goblin Instigator

Fodder Launch

Weirding Shaman

And this is another deck that the kids absolutely love. Fast fun, and furious, Goblins is a great tribal introduction that people go to when they want to show how easy and cheeky it can be. Burn ‘em out, make ‘em attack, turn ‘em sideways. This isn’t necessarily an easy deck, but if all you know is attacking, then you’re golden. Or, you can kill someone only through noncombat damage!

9. RG Monsters of the Jungle

Notable cards include:

Ruination Wurm

Footfall Crater

Mina and Denn, Wildborn

This is, surprisingly, the deck with what I feel is the lowest barrier to entry. You give big things trample. Now, there IS a fair bit of complexity in the number of combat tricks, with some buffs and some bloodrush cards along with it, but everyone knows that big things are big. The difference is in the variety of strategies available to you with access to red mana.

10. GW Token Swarm

Notable cards include:

Raise the Alarm

Selesnya Guildmage

Growing Ranks

If you can be fast with this deck, then you can run someone over faster than they could ever react. If you can be slow with this deck, you can build up enough life and army power that you literally can’t be beat. There’s a lot to love about this deck and it’s not as easy as it might seem. Tokens are popular with a subset of MTG players, and I’m glad that they have lots of support.

11. BW Ghosts of your Past

Notable cards include:

Pillory of the Sleepless

Vizkopa Guildmage

Ethereal Absolution

Basically, this is in the same vein as the surveil deck, but like the surveil deck, this has been modified so you get the best out of the deck. There’s a little nasty sacrifice, some draining, lots of good stuff. This is a deck for players who want to be mean, but with the option to beat down as well. After all, the best games are one you play in good spirits!

12. GB Elves Reclamation

Notable cards include:

Eyeblight’s Ending

Shaman of the Pack

Immaculate Magistrate

Everyone loves elves. Except for the people that hate elves. You get them out, go wide, or go narrow. Either way, you’re beating in face. This deck can be impossibly fast and I love it, but without breaching the barrier of being overpowered. Heck, I’ve won and lost with all of these decks, but elves put up a struggle, and I love that for them.

13. UG Defenders and Butts

Notable cards include:

Axebane Guardian

Assault Formation

Feed the Pack

I’ve been 100% blown out by this deck before by a student who I underestimated. That’s fantastic. This is the kind of deck that students don’t understand until they see it being played, and that’s honestly great. It’s fantastic to watch them learn and I love watching them pull out all the stops to get the biggest butts possible. Can’t beat seventeen angry wolves!

14. UR Spellslinging Recursion

Notable cards include:

Thermo-Alchemist

Thoughtflare

Call the Skybreaker

Flashback, Jump-Start, and Retrace: people love to cast spells. There’s so much fun stuff that can happen in a stormlike brew, and though it’s definitely not storm, it encourages playing spells, and that’s what makes it fun. It appeals to burn and control players alike and makes them feels skillful to the max. It’s Izzet in everything but perfect flavor.

15. RW Combat Control

Notable cards include:

Thatcher Revolt

Intimidation Bolt

Citadel Siege

I actually let my kids down with this deck before. It was an underpowers Firesong and Sunspeaker deck, and it just wasn’t working. What else can you do? Blow things up and make ‘em big. This deck is a powerhouse of unimaginable proportions and I love playing with it. Smart combat makes for some tricky strategy, and it’s humbling for the reckless opponnent.

That’s all for now! Ask me about questions and I’ll tell you no lies. And hey, if you know any kids, play around with ‘em and see how they engage with MTG. What do they lean to? How can you use that to teach them? It’s an amazing game and I’m glad to be sharing it with you, too.

—Abelzumi

#mtg #magic the gathering #inventor's fair #tuesday blog #student judges #education

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theworstbob · 7 years

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yellin’ at songs: 4.8.2017, 4.7.2007

the songs that debuted on the billboard chart this week and ten years ago this week.

4.7.2007

46) "Everything," Michael Buble

So, I'm not a smoker, right? Never have been, never will be. But there are times, y'know, when I'll just be sitting at home, and I'll think, "Man. I could really go for a cigarette!" I have neighbors who smoke pretty intensely, and sometimes I'll catch a whiff of that cigarette smell, and by golly, that's a sense memory trigger for me, brings me right on back to childhood, those summer nights driving home from bell choir practice, playing the alphabet game with my sisters while Mom took in a Marlboro Light. The scent and the memory hits, and gosh-darn, a cigarette sounds really good! And... then I'll catch that second whiff? And I'll be reminded, oh yeah, fuck that. I don't need something that gross in my life. This is what Michael Buble is to me, is a cigarette. I think about crooners, and I think, yeah, soothing voice, classy love songs, probably wearing a suit. Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Bing Crosby, yeah. Yeah a crooner in 2017 sounds nice. But then I hear a Michael Buble song, and I'm reminded, oh dear. Oh, no, I never wanted this, I just liked the idea of this, all those old dudes beat their wives I’m pretty sure, the reality is awful!

67) "Wait for You," Elliott Yamin

This is significantly less funky than "Movin' On." This was the first real single, right? That's kind of dumb. We could have been doing so much more with Elliott Yamin than giving him this ballad and saying "make this more than it is!" And he does, the only reason this song hits is dude's voice, but what a disappointing use of this voice! "Movin' On" was such a tasty jam, but you're telling me the vision of Elliott Yamin you wanted to share with the world was "more talented Clay Aiken?" FOH. There's a version of Elliott Yamin's career where he gets to jam out for a few years, THEN he takes a residency in Vegas and only releases songs like this. Instead, we get the darkest timeline, Yamin releasing one ballad and then releasing several albums in Japan only. "Katy" is a dope track only Japan gets to buy! How? How did this get screwed up so bad!

72) "Lost in This Moment," Big & Rich

here's a fun and easy way to improve this song: make it about literally any other fucking moment in the relationship than the one where you are codifying your love in the eyes of the law and your god. literally, any other one. like that's what makes "cupid's chokehold" so great, is the little moments that the dude recounts. it's not just the sunrise in her eyes, y'know? she's making pancakes. she calls you and the ringtone you have for her plays. you're talking on the phone, and you look at the clock and realize it's been three hours. he draws a unique relationship with these mundane moments that make him step back and say "wow," and it reinforces how excited he is to be in that relationship. this is stating the obvious. "ah geez, person i'm literally getting married to right now, i sure love you." great. thanks. thanks for sharing. it would've sure sucked if you didn't.

83) "Tell Me 'Bout It," Joss Stone

So right from the go, I'ma show you this Stone, and I'ma make sure you really want me to try to squeeze blood from it. You sure? It's a reasonably funky Stone, perfectly acceptable, and I don't mind its presence in my life, but I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna be able to squeeze any blood from it. I can give it my best if you desire! I'ma tell you right now, I'm doubtful I can do much with it.

95) "Who Knew," Pink

Another song that is more or less fine! Pink's great. This is probably the 14th-best Pink song. She gives it her all, and by gum is Pink's B-game better than almost anyone else's A-game, but you see I have, like, this point to prove with Jordan Pruitt? I'm not sure what that point is, but I'd very much like to make it. Ah, but then, there are optics to consider. Because if "Who Knew" isn't the one who ends the out-of-nowhere miracle run of Jordan Pruitt, it would almost certainly be Breaking Benjamin. "Breath" is a song which drops next week, it's a song I've been loving for ten years, and it would be impossible for me to justify keeping a song I've been loving for so long out of the Top 20. But "Breath" is also kinda self-serious and unfun, it's not a "cool" song to like, and it would be cruel to bounce Jordan Pruitt because this white boy can't help but love some melodic hard rock. It’s also gonna be shitty to bump Pink, but at least Pink has, like, another song in the Top 20, and also a full-ass career of hits. /sighs/ The dream is over. Again: I’m not sure what dream, but it’s over.

97) "Moments," Emerson Drive

yeah okay great. great. way to be humans of new york in song form. "homeless people have stories!" well fuck me then, i thought that homeless dude just went outside one day and didn't stop. i've been so naive.

The top 20, now with no teens trying to survive life as an outcast: 20) "Who Knew," by Pink (4.7.2007) 19) "Like a Boy," by Ciara (3.17.2007) 18) "Grace Kelly," by MIKA (2.17.2007) 17) "Get it Shawty," by Lloyd (3.31.2007) 16) "Break 'Em Off," by Paul Wall ft./Lil' KeKe (3.10.2007) 15) "My Oh My," by The Wreckers (1.27.2007) 14) "Mr. Jones," by Mike Jones (1.27.2007) 13) "Settlin'," by Sugarland (2.17.2007) 12) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 11) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 10) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 9) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 8) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 7) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 6) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 5) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 4) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 3) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 2) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 1) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007)

4.8.2017

8) "Passionfruit," by Drake 9) "Portland," by Drake ft./Quavo & Travis Scott 18) "Free Smoke," by Drake 29) "Gyalchester," by Drake 35) "Teenage Fever," by Drake 36) "Sacrifices," by Drake ft./2 Chainz & Young Thug 38) "Blem," by Drake 40) "No Long Talk," by Drake ft./Giggs 45) "Get it Together," by Drake ft./Jorja Smith & Black Coffee 48) "KMT," by Drake ft./Giggs 49) "Jorja Interlude," by Drake 50) "4422," by Drake ft./Sampha 51) "Madiba Riddim," by Drake 54) "Glow," by Drake ft./Kanye West 60) "Do Not Disturb," by Drake 61) "Nothings Into Somethings," by Drake 62) "Ice Melts," by Drake ft./Young Thug 64) "Lose You," by Drake 70) "Since Way Back," by Drake ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR 76) "Skepta Interlude," by Drake 82) "Can't Have Everything," by Drake

...the whole thing. i'm go -- okay, see, and i can't ignore this, because three other dudes had songs make their debut, also i have NOT listened to 1997 yet like that seems too big, but i thought, the whole thing? no way! it's 21 whole songs, minus the one that already debuted! i underestimated how much love people have for drake, and god bless 'em, i'm glad they found something in this cruel and random world they can rely on. this isn't good? this isn't good. drake is still very famous and very sad about everything. it's the dullest fucking topic in the world. like i guess i liked "get it together" alright enough, and of course i thought "ice melts" was dope (young thug elevates things a billion fold with his array of delightful mouth noises), but like i don't care? about any of these songs? and like i don't like that i'm complaining about drake a week after saying i didn't have any complaints about ed sheeran, but if i'm assigning every ed sheeran song a grade and every drake song a grade, they get a C- and a D+, respectively, but 70% is a C- and 69% is a D+. it's pretty much the same, one just looks okayer than the other. i just, i don't care. i can just not care, right? like, i don't hate this, i don't like this, this is something i've listened to for this project which assigns homework. 21 fucking drake songs. this is the last time, right? like, the last time i have to listen to a whole album i don't want to listen to for the sake of listening to every song which debuted on the hot 100 in 2017? fuck, man.

i'm sorry. like i mean i didn't go in expecting to be this bored, i want to like everything, this is the YAS project after all, and i know people had positive things to say about this, like everything i heard about this album said, "Yeah, Drake's fine! This is his best in years!" i thought it could be cool! i wasn't dreading the 80 minutes of drake i'd required myself to take in, but christ, that's a lot of drake. that is entirely too much drake for one sitting, and i, i can't, y'know? i tried, but, it's this.

88) "At My Best," by Machine Gun Kelly ft./Hailee Steinfeld

Well alright, this was surprisingly okay! Not Top 20 material this late in the game, certainly not if "Ice Melts" isn't, I'm not gonna ride too hard for a song about how hard Machine Gun Kelly worked to be the fourth-best white rapper in the game, but if you're the fourth-best white rapper, that usually means you're at least listenable. The hook is structured around the biggest cliche possible in 2017, Hailee Steinfeld sells it well enough. It's a bit over-produced, but it never feels too stuffed to soar. Not bad! Legitimately, just good enough to not be bad! I can see the headlines now: Pop Song Performed Capably, Not Hated by Millions.

97) "Trap Trap Trap," by Rick Ross ft./Young Thug & Wale

Is this the most conventional verse Young Thug has ever had? Like I've never heard Young Thug just rapping for this long a period of time, but I'm not gonna sit here and pretend I've consumed every single Young Thug tape. There's nary a mouth noise to be heard! It is oddly fitting, though, that Young Thug would be at his most traditional on a Rick Ross track, Rick Ross being maybe the most average rapper still going. Like of course Rick Ross would just drop a song called "Trap Trap Trap," we're not expecting serious artistic breakthroughs from Rick Ross, who would expect that, why do you expect dumb things, nah this is kind of a perfect Rick Ross song. It's enjoyable and disposable.

98) "Swalla," by Jason Derulo ft./Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign

BLESS JASON DERULO AND HIS COMMITMENT TO MAKING ABSOLUTELY THE DUMBEST SHIT ON EARTH. No joke, I'm into this. Let's recap what we've been given these last three weeks: 3.25: 10 Ed Sheeran songs 4.1: 3 Nicki Minaj songs (and “Chanel!”) 4.8: 21 Drake songs THIS IS SUCH A TREAT AFTER WHAT WE’VE BEEN THROUGH (”CHANEL” EXCLUDED)! I mean, listen, is Jason Derulo a complete skeezeball? Yes. Could any Jason Derulo song be one tenth as horny and still be several orders of magnitude hornier than any other song on the chart? Absolutely. But this is upbeat and hella stupid and I am mostly into this trash. I mean I'm not 100% down with Jason Derulo offering his cum as refreshment, like hey guy maybe just get her some water, but this song is upbeat and I remember it five minutes after hearing it and it has an outlook on life that isn't, "this is the worst." Jason Derulo is just a ridiculous man who is too into blow-jobs, and goddamnit, I appreciate him.

The current Top 20: 20) "Way Down We Go," by Kaleo (1.14) 19) "Swalla," by Jason Derulo ft./Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign (4.8) 18) "Everyday," by Ariana Grande ft./Future (3.4) 17) "Light," by Big Sean ft./Jeremih (2.25) 16) "Draco," by Future (3.11) 15) "Guys My Age," by Hey Violet (2.11) 14) "Good Drank," by 2 Chainz ft./Gucci Mane & Quavo (2.11) 13) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 12) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 11) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 10) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 9) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 8) "Shape of You," by Ed Sheeran (1.28) 7) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 6) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 5) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 4) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 3) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 2) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 1) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) I hate that only 9 of these 11 tracks feature women in some form while there’s even one Jason Derulo song in the Top 20, like why couldn’t i like that marian hill thing more. how did mariah carey release a song this year but i got a fucking big sean track in the top 20. what am i doing here.

Who won?

I mean no one won. I think 2017 somehow ended up with the better offerings. That’s the thing about boring; it’s never great, but it’s never outright terrible, either, and three of 2007′s entrants are complete failures. All the Drake songs were the same boring-ass Drake song that’s ever been, but none of them were “Moments.” It’s not an inspiring win for 2017, but evidently there’s new Iggy Azalea, so it’ll take what it can get as long as it can get it.

Current standings: 2017: 1 2007: 1

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midnightmilkbar · 7 years

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The Unthinkable Has Happened

In 2016, I got engaged, I completed my Master’s degree, and I started running. Out of these three, the third is the only one that gets a response of utter incredulity and shock. This is not because people aren’t excited about my engagement, or proud of my academic achievements. It is because the third thing is bizarre.

It is because I am the most unlikely runner, in the world. Ever.

In fact, people aren’t just shocked and incredulous: they are disbelieving. Frequently, they just burst out laughing. This morning, Callum was on the phone to a family member and when he was asked “How’s Jem,” he answered “She’s good, she has turned into a fanatic runner” and I could actually hear the person on the other end of the phone laughing from the other side of the room.

When I told my best friend in the UK over Skype that I had started running, she stopped speaking for so long that I thought the screen had frozen. She kindly apologised for being so surprised, but she pointed out that her overarching memories of any physical exertion on my part while we were at university are limited to my bending over double, completely out of breath, after climbing the (small) staircase to our Friday morning classes. I actually wrote a blog a while ago about my hilarious, failed attempts at running- (http://jemimamiddleton.tumblr.com/post/95464943339/writer) and it was absolutely accurate.

Callum’s reaction has shifted from utter bewilderment, to faint amusement, to acceptance- and, dare I say it- pride. After a month of this new ‘hobby’ had passed, and I was still doing it (usually I give up after about 10 days), I think he started to think it might actually be a thing. He has never actually seen me run- he has zero interest in joining me, and I’m fine with that (the fewer witnesses I have, the better), but he supports me in many other, more important ways.

So how did this happen, and why does it matter? Well it doesn’t, really, except that I can honestly say, if I can enjoy running, ANYONE CAN. Seriously, anyone. I have been saying “I can’t run” for 15 years, probably since the last time I was forced to run the 1500m at school, and I have proved that this is a myth.

Running isn’t fun. If anyone tells you that it is, they’re lying. It is especially unfun when you start. It’s awkward, it’s painful, it’s a mini kind of hell. During my first run, I was suddenly very acutely aware of all of my limbs, and how little control I had over them. I felt like my legs were made of lead, my feet two blocks of wood on the end, and my flailing arms were useless, giant sausages. I also didn’t get very far. By the end of my road, I thought I might throw up, I was seeing little stars that wouldn’t disappear despite frantic blinking, and my lungs were surely exploding out of my chest. I hobbled home.

The next time I ran, I was going slightly better- the nightmarish lead legs weren’t so noticeable, my arms seemed to be doing what they were supposed to, and I didn’t see stars for at least 10 minutes. However, when I turned around and ran back along the pier, the sun was behind me, and I was forced to look down at my shadow. Dear god, what WAS I DOING. I tried to ignore the grey, uncoordinated image of my body that was spread out on the concrete in front of me, but I was transfixed. Even my hair shadow looked awful. Once again that painful awareness of my own awkward, flailing body parts came back, and I longed for it to be over.

I didn’t run again for a while.

Then I got engaged. I also got a bit fat. Now don’t get me wrong- I’m not a lunatic, I have a healthy respect for my body and how it looks. But there was no doubt about it, I was getting squidgy, my regular clothes weren’t fitting nicely, and suddenly I was faced with trying on wedding dresses. After one particularly sweaty ordeal in a rather snooty bridal shop in London, with the poor (stick-thin) assistant trying to squeeze me unceremoniously into one of their bespoke gowns, and a truly horrid moment when I heard a distinct tear as she squashed my bottom into it, I realised I wasn’t happy and I needed to sort it out. There’s nothing like wedding dress incentive to get you off the sofa and outside.

I couldn’t afford to join a gym. I couldn’t even afford the monthly yoga membership that I had tried before, and I was getting quite tired of trying and failing to find that inner yogi peace whilst surrounded by silky, bronzed Capetonians with their slinky legs and rock-hard abs. I needed something with minimal logistical effort, that I could do fairly discreetly, that was ideally free.

Then someone suggested I try doing a Park Run. These are organised all over the world, every Saturday morning, and they are all 5km. There happens to be one that operates about 4 minutes away from my house. Very apprehensively, I signed up (it’s completely free) and the following Saturday I donned my only ‘exercise’ clothes (yoga leggings and a vest) and took Simbira with me for moral support. There were about 700 people there, some with their dogs, some pushing prams, running with their kids, their spouses, their grandchildren- you name it. Everyone was friendly, everyone was cheerful. I tried not to feel nervous- I could just walk it if i wanted, I reminded myself.

We set off, the first kilometre a hectic scramble of people jostling each other and trying to stay upright. I could only barely jog at this stage, and a woman actually fell behind me very early on. She was quickly scooped up, and I concentrated very hard on where I placed my feet, so as not to do the same thing.

I didn’t die. I didn’t even feel like I might be sick, or pass out. I did have to walk a few times, and I took Simbira to have a paddle in the river when she got too hot (and when I couldn’t breathe). But I kept going- the magical thing is, I am naturally competitive, despite being naturally un-sporty, so having 700 people running around me ensured that I finished that run, in a respectable time. I couldn’t quite believe it. I was exhausted, but definitely pleased with myself.

That was 2 months ago. I’m now running almost every day, and just signed up for my first Trail Series. The challenge, after I realised how much I enjoyed the Park Run, was how to keep going by myself. When I’m not motivated by 700 other people, I find it all too easy to walk, or even to call it a day and go home before I have really gotten into my stride.

I tried running whilst listening to music. I found this quite stressful- I kept changing my pace according to what song I was listening to, and I also hated the realisation of how loud and unseemly my breathing was whenever the song stopped. I read an article that suggested listening to audiobooks instead- so i downloaded Audible to my iPhone, and managed to get all the Harry Potter’s for free. Suddenly, listening to Stephen Fry narrate The Prisoner of Azkaban made running easier, somehow. Enjoyable, even. (Not always, but occasionally). I also started (gently) investing in some gear. I already had some very good shoes, thanks to my Dad insisting that I get them fitted properly a year ago. I really laugh now when I think about how I confidently stepped aboard the shop’s treadmill that day when instructed to, and started ‘running’ so that the man could analyse my gait. I was out of breath within 10 seconds, and had to pretend that I was totally fine, whilst other customers walked past the shop window.

There is so much other kit out there. You can go completely mad. I have become quite obsessed, and have to exercise serious restraint whenever I am in the vicinity of a sports shop. There are just so many amazing leggings, shorts, stretchy sports bras and vests that you can wear. My washing line now barely sees anything else- it’s the comfiest clothing ever! I hate wearing normal bras now. I have also found that THE MOST USEFUL THING YOU CAN BUY is, in fact, a moonbag. Or a bum bag. Or a fanny pack. Or WHATEVER it is you call it- I used all these names in the shops whilst trying to find one, and was laughed at a lot. In South Africa it’s a moonbag, and my god it’s the best thing I own. Fashionable? Er, no. Flattering? Absolutely not. But you can fit your keys, phone and even some sweets in there, which is all you need.

I have had some disasters, and I’m sure I will have more. One afternoon I tripped and fell over a tree root (the perils of trail running) and landed flat on my face, with a very sore ankle. I was somewhat dazed, and still had The Chamber of Secrets blaring into my ears, so I wasn’t really sure what was going on- but Simbira was there, licking my face, and I was not badly hurt- just rather embarrassed.

I learnt very early on that I had to be realistic about how much I could run. I started to get excruciating pain in my calves both during and after a run, and when I asked more experienced running friends why this was happening, they all responded in horror that I was mad to be attempting to run every day. Rest days are non-negotiable, it turns out. Especially if you’re an idiot novice, which I definitely am.

I have also learnt the very crucial lesson of going to the loo before you run. It’s MOST unpleasant if you forget. That goes for your dog companion too- running with a full poo bag that you might accidentally whack into another unsuspecting runner is not advised.

I fear there may be more updates about my running exploits. I apologise for this in advance. But, I reiterate- if you think you can’t do it, that’s rubbish. You just have to want to do it enough. The thought of a wedding dress did it for me, but the benefits have been so much greater than I imagined. A friend recently confessed that, for her, running is like Prozac. That ‘runner’s high’ thing might sound ludicrous, and cheesy, but I have to admit there’s a sliver of truth in it. I don’t think I have experienced it fully yet- but I can’t deny that something makes me get up and go and run again. And again.

#running #trailrunning #capetown #novice #uncoordinated #getoutside

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