#like it would be 30mins max of actual exercise and then like

[gayspock]

i havent been to the gym since i moved out & i wanna get active again but fr -_- i feel like everything is too much faff, too expensive or something that will bore me to tearssssss

#egg.txt #i was like ok before i go sign up to a new place i'll do the chloe ting workouts just to get a routine back in #my god . i have never wanted to sob more from just being so understimulated in my life #but theyre all the SAAAAAME. IM GOING TOKILLMYSELFFFFF. #and the stupid music makes me want to put knives in my fucking ears #i'd gym again but i just couldnt keep waking up at 5am i wasnt getting sleep & half the time i wasnt even able to get a good work out in #like it would be 30mins max of actual exercise and then like #+ so much more time just getting there and it was wrecking everything else in my schedule #it sounds so dumb but even shit like having to drop my bagg off & pick it up every day meant i had to get later buses (& more) #and it would mean just losing hours in total at that point. for what. for a 30 min workout. when i wasnt making any progress with anyway bc #i was getting no sleep? 😭 #i wanted ot try running outside again but ugh not to be a baby but people have been harassing me in the street so much more again and i jus #cant fucking do it broooo #and im too shy for most classes . the other stuff is crazy expensive . im going to start gnawing on something for real #i was thinking abt bouldering but it looks so crazy fucking expensive #its rlly a shame bc i did rlly start to get into running too. i could get a treadmill but idek where to put it rn and it feels crazy #to get one when i dont even have a couch... ehrm

[mcrmadness]

I should go to shower now but it's constantly reminding me of how big my water bill for this year was and I was actually trying my best to keep it smaller but no, it was actually over 50e more expensive than last year. I could try reducing the amount of water I use but 1) I am ALWAYS freezing in the shower 2) my bathroom is always cold so I am freezing even more 3) feeling cold is maybe one of the worst feelings ever and 4) executive dysfunction keeps me from turning off the shower before I feel that I'm not gonna freeze to death during the time I apply shampoo etc. And after shower I'm always feeling way too warm and I don't want to get out of the shower because I hate the sensation of dry fabric (towel) against my skin. Kinda wanna test the bucket method with shower but IT’S ALWAYS TOO COLD FOR ME TO DO THAT.

This water bill kinda ruined the ending of the year for me. Along with the fact I was so exhausted I didn't check the messages from social security agency and yesterday I finally did so and noticed they have canceled some of the welfare I get because I got disablement pension welfare which is why I can't get the normal welfare for living (the money mainly goes to rent), but had to apply for another living welfare "for people who get pension", so I did that now. And I still haven't sent them the application for occupational therapy, because I originally should have printed that out and it felt too much, so my therapist actually printed it out to me but it still feels like too much because I should fill it, put into an envelope and attach a stamp on it and send it to the social security agency. Not to mention the fact I just never remember the application exists and it you can get the therapy only for the month it is received, and once the month starts, I'm like "oh I don't need to hurry I still have 4 weeks to go" and then it's 1 week and I'm like "oh I didn't remember doing it this month? Well whatever, better luck next month then" and I still don't do it because I have 4 weeks to go.

Another thing that is now bothering me is that I think I have gained weight again which is not a surprise since I literally never go out and sit in front of my computer 24/7 doing nothing, and I just... don't know what to do with this. I don't want my weight to go up any more but I don't know what to do about it. I have never ever been able to find motivation for sports because I don't get an instant rewards so my brain thinks it's boring after 1 week of trying. I have an exercise bike but I can do that max 30min before it starts to be too painful (plus I sometimes get migraines from sports) and I have to stop, and even then my brain thinks it's waste of time and I can't use it until I multitask - which usually means I watch TV and eat something meanwhile.

I can't force myself to go outside because I hate walking and sweating, and my camera doesn't motivate me enough when I feel that there's nothing to take photos of, and all of the photos turn out bad. Plus walking hurts too. And my head cannot understand why should we leave place A only to walk back to place A when we can just not waste time for walking and stay in the place A the whole time. I always have to have a mission before I go anywhere, preferrably more than one to make it worth it. Like if I go to therapy, I often go to grocery store afterwards because leaving only for grocery store feels like it's not worth it until I go to several shops or do that because my mom needs to go to the grocery store too. I always ask people if they need anything from supermarkets, grocery stores or bookstore or whatnot before I leave there because I make myself more motivated when I'm not doing that only because of me but because there's more than one reason to do so.

+ The fact whenever I do anything sports related, then my health anxiety will kick in and tell me I'm gonna die if I continue. So I can't even reach the state where the moving WOULD be efficient because my anxiety won't let me. Instead it thinks it more healthy to sit in one place and not move because at least my heart rate won't go up then.

Gotta love medical trauma. And executive dysfunction. And adhd which will not hyperfixate on sports no matter what and can only hyperfocus on something for a little while until I find something else and forget that I even own an exercise bike and realize I haven’t been using it in a month.

#tw weight mention #mcrmadness' deep thoughts #I don't want to be 30 and fat next year... but probably gonna be just 30 and sad. #I guess I'll try to use the exercise bike now - hope I don't get migraine; and then go to shower in case it's not as freezing then. #executive dysfunction #medical trauma #adhd #adhd inattentive