#like they kinda grew out of that but like. idk they just felt estranged from one another and always felt to me in the issues i read | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mollydollyjournals · 3 years

Text

I wrote an intro in October 2020 when I made this page but I'm gonna try to write a more concise one. The old one is here and is specifically about my ED history. But other than that, this is my vent blog, and:

I guess you can call me Molly or Dolly or something like that. I guess pronouns are she/they but you can use whatever pronouns you see me as, it's cool

I'm 30 years old. I'm not very good at it. I'm kinda childlike and basically get babysat when I hang out with people my own age or even younger, but I also learned to build a computer in 1996 and witnessed the golden age of emo (but I was goth/grunge at the time and I hated emo. Sorry MCR)

Unfortunately I'm English

Im biracial/mixed race, 2nd gen immigrant. In the US you'd call me light skin black. You might see me refer to myself as black or mixed race depending on context

I'm autistic and have ADHD. One of those "mild autism" cases which really just means you wont think I'm autistic but you will think I'm weird, meanwhile I'm getting major stress symptoms from trying to function in a way that's not necessarily natural to me. Like living in a country where I understand the language conversationally but I'm not a fluent native. I also forget everything. It's really a talent

I have BPD and extremely bad depression. I've been on Prozac a long time. I struggle with anxiety a lot. I'm very awkward and shy, even among awkward and shy people. If you message me and I dont message back, I probably felt like I'd be bothering you. Even if you think it's obvious it's okay or I'm normal or whatever. I'm very insecure and I try to avoid putting that on people by essentially backing off entirely. That's what this blog is about.

I run on Mars time. I have like a 25hr body clock or something so I will just be awake later and later until I'm nocturnal and then later again until I'm back on daytime. I'm in GMT but at some point in a 4-6wk period I'll match with everyone

Former gifted kid. Got a lot of trauma related to school and formal education. Y'all know what's up

I have an alcohol problem. I always have one vice or another. Going cold turkey never works for me with anything (I also used to SH daily and smoke and I quit both of those so I am familiar with how my mind works to some extent) so I often give myself goals for staying sober a set amount of time so I'm at least not going back to drinking every day. I've been seriously ill due to drinking at least twice

I have other physical health issues like hypothyroidism that put me in that spiral of 'need to do many things to deal with this' but also 'can't even do as much as most people'

Bisexual but inexperienced, gender is what, idk I forgot what else to say

I hate conservatives. Fuck the Tories. Black lives matter. Trans rights are human rights. Sex work is work. Homeless people are people. Gender roles are bullshit. We all grew up with certain ideas but we can all try to learn and do better and these people just aren't trying. So punch a nazi.

Im not monogamous. Hb = (mostly estranged) husband, bf = (sparsely interacted with) boyfriend. They know about each other and all is consensual. Im a shit liar anyway I could never two time. It was all good once, and then the pandemic and other stresses happened.

I'm pretty sure there is approximately one person who fits the above criteria so if you know me irl then...you probably dont wanna be here since this is where I vent about the stuff everyone ignores on my regular social media.

And gdi if it ain't the most ADHD thing ever to say I'm gonna write a shorter intro and then it ends up still being a rambly piece of shit

(Also my posts are usually queued)

46 notes · View notes

theywontletmebeprincipal · 3 years

Note

can you give me drowsy headcanons, ramble, or anything please, i am so deprived. do not be afraid to make it super long, the more the better, i just love drowsy chaperone and love to hear other people (plus you’re one of the only people i’ve seen who knows a lot abt it)

ASK AND YE SHALL RECIEVE

I’ll divide this into a few different parts, going from least to most excruciatingly sad :)

1. general headcanons

2. in canon things i noticed and think about daily

3. a full analysis of man in chair’s connections with the drowsy chaperone as an in universe show (trigger warning for abuse ment, alcoholism ment, suicide ment)

SECTION ONE: HEADCANONS

- okay the chaperone is trans I don’t make the rules

- also her name is ambrosia :) she forsook her last name :)

- she’s about 12 years older than janet and kinda hung with janet’s family after leaving her own for a while . essentially she’s a big sister to janet

- aldolpho has some lines where he asks if the bride is big and/or burly and while in canon this is supposed to show he’s kind of a womanizer I like to believe it’s because he was fully prepared to fight her if needed

- speaking of which Of Course janet is ripped she does gymnastics

- my batshit crazy headcanon for this show is that dee dee allen from the prom is a descendant of roman bartelli no I will not elaborate

- is aldolpho one of those bitches with pets that definitely shouldn’t be legal? yessir

- post show kitty becomes a star okay I just want her to be happy

- the “pastry chefs” do discover a love of baking post show and now run a shop along with performing in feldzeig’s follies which might maybe be a front for some crime too

- TRIX DROWSY AND ALDOLPHO WORLD TRAVELING POLYCULE CAUSING PROBLEMS ON PURPOSE

- underling’s name is james I will not elaborate on this either

- show never says what trix does so I’ve decided she’s an explorer. she charts maps and punches colonialists and drags her stupid friends along with her, the only bitch in the show with a braincell

- drowsy was a former vaudeville child star pre transition - she left the business but was a mentor to janet

- I do have a headcanon for mic’s name but in the spirit of every actor who’s ever played him I won’t fucking tell

SECTION TWO: SHIT I NOTICED

- robert refers to himself by full name a lot of the time which is v interesting given he’s named after the writer, bob martin (whose wife is also named janet van de graaf). the real bob martin is like five feet away at all times playing mic

- idk how to describe it but the dynamic kitty and feldzeig (VICTOR felgzeig. we have a name from one (1) line) have when talking to each other is so snappy and funny and good

- aldolpho’s lines in spanish are mostly romantic bullshit but his first one hints that he has/had a wife who, if we’re taking the translation literally, refused to touch him. yeah I’ll bring this up in analysis

- the “pastry chefs” provide liquor for the wedding even though it has absolutely no relevance to their mission of stopping it :)

- drowsy is like. SUPER endearing towards janet and despite her bad social skills it’s super clear she cares a lot about her

- robert speaks fluent french apparently

- everyone says “ew” after aldolpho reveals his affair with drowsy despite her being a certified milf

- the body language of drowsy in the end of the show where she takes mic’s hands and breaks the barrier between reality and fiction is just so good. she was iconic the whole show but I honestly think this final bit is what won beth leavel the Tony in the end

SECTION THREE: OH NO

before diving into the way the drowsy chaperone affects his character, we need to understand what exactly it’s playing off of. to fully understand mic’s attachment to the drowsy chaperone, we need to outline what led him to isolating himself and living in fiction to the extent that he does.

mic’s father left his family at an early age and his semi estranged alcoholic mother was the one who began his love for theatre. mic grew up in a broken household and eventually moved on to land in a one sided marriage, which lasted a few months until he slipped up and expressed his discomfort with the situation, after which he and his wife split. nowadays, he lives alone in his apartment surrounded by records he uses to escape to a better life - his favorite of which being the one his mother gave him, the drowsy chaperone.

symbolism in the drowsy chaperone regarding mic’s life can be split into two main categories - mommy issues and internalized homophobia. there isn’t nearly as much mom symbolism as there is the latter, so I’ll cover that first.

drowsy covers both bases, but she definitely has some undeniable mom symbolism going on. drowsy marries aldolpho and mom dreams of being swept off her feet by a latin lover, both feel they’ve wasted their chances at love, both drink to forget, etc. this is where the idea of the drowsy chaperone being mic’s ideal way for things to work out, a positive parallel, comes into play. given that we don’t hear too much about mic’s mom other than her connections to major life events and the record itself, we can assume they grew apart in one way or another. the key difference is that drowsy finds a happy relationship for herself and retains her bond with janet, unlike what we’re led to assume mom was like.

further elaborating on the drowsy chaperone representing mic’s ideal fantasy version of events is the wedding the drowsy chaperone’s plot centers around. here’s a list of the things that didn’t stop that damn wedding:

- a minister not showing up

- the groom cheating on the bride with the bride

- the bride having a complete mental breakdown

- indirect mafia interference

- direct mafia interference

on the flip side, what little mic says about his wedding indicates it sucked absolute ass. he spent the entire ceremony in internal distress as he went through with a life changing event he, at that point, knew at least a bit that he didn’t want. I think he also implies he had severe diarrhea on the wedding day? it gets worse when you realize mic’s relationship before the wedding wasn’t any good for him either - he was playing along the whole time because it would be cruel not to, right?

throughout the show, mic is pretty clearly shown as an extremely repressed gay man. there are five specific instances that point at romantic and/or sexual attraction to men directly and another moment outside of his commentary that pretty much confirms it if you look a little bit deeper. thus, here is what I propose - to mic, the drowsy chaperone’s wedding plot represents a world where he was able to ignore that part of himself and have a happy marriage with his wife despite all the overwhelming obstacles thrown at him. however, bits and pieces of that internalized homophobia manage to show themselves throughout the drowsy chaperone anyway despite its happy ending. here’s a rundown on a few significant instances:

- by the end of the show, the “pastry chefs”, who had literally been planning to kill feldzeig, have left their life of crime to perform with him. this symbolizes how in mic’s ideal world he would have been able to turn away from what he perceived at the time as living wrongly - his homosexuality

- at the same time, the “pastry chefs” have this line, spoken in regards to janet: “if she gets married and leaves the show... there ain’t no show.” this is a take on mic’s subconscious concern that he might lose himself if he goes on with his marriage pretending everything is alright - of course, as we already know, he doesn’t listen

- “cold feets” is a pretty obvious instance of mic’s hesitation

- aldolpho’s line in spanish regarding the wife who won’t touch him flips to reflect on mic’s treatment of his own ex wife - she was alien to him as a lover, just as aldolpho was to this woman

- janet recalls her meeting robert at a point in the show and states “we spooned, briefly, then he proposed.” though mic’s relationship pre marriage was much longer than that, it must have felt that way to him - just as quick and nonsensical as janet describes

- just as janet is caught in showbiz but has a toxic love for it, so does mic with his own repressed life

- janet has a line in “show off” that alludes to her experiencing harassment/assault: “I don’t wanna be cheered no more/ praised no more/ grabbed no more/ touched no more/ loved no more” , which I believe represents the way mic perceived his intimacy with his wife - labeled as love yet unenjoyable for him

- “I look into his eyes... I get all woozy. and that’s... love, isn’t it?” is another very clear nod to mic’s misconception of love based off the only thing he’s ever experienced, relationships with women he’s had to fake

- this is the part where I tell you the lyrics to toledo surprise are a metaphor for actively suppressing gay thoughts. I’ll just leave you with “if it tries to rise; don’t let it”. these lyrics are not comprehensive enough to make a dish - trust me, I have tried. it’s also notable that they serve a double entendre as instructions on how to beat the shit out of someone, but several lyrics are also directed towards the singer/audience. for example: “it’s a snap/ try it folks/ whip your whites/ split your yolks” is an easy metaphor for the unhealthy mental gymnastics required to repress oneself so wholeheartedly

it’s also worth noting the obvious just for the sake of it - mic copes with all this by isolating himself in a safe spot where he can use musicals to escape and live his ideal fantasy, even if it’s only for a short time. there are plenty of nods to this throughout the drowsy chaperone as well. in “as we stumble along” drowsy notes that “the best that we can do is hope a bluebird/ will sing a song/ as we stumble along” - to mic, musicals are his bluebird. while mic mostly indulges in these fantasies, he knows to a certain extent the sheer amount of time he’s spending in them is unhealthy. the first line of the show is “I hate theatre” and I think that to an extent? he does. obviously mic loves theatre as a concept, that can’t be denied. what he hates is the way he’s allowed it to confine him.

with all that out of the way, let’s move on to the most important moment of the show. if you’ve ever seen the show, you’ll know exactly which scene I’m talking about immediately. I’m referring to, of course, the infamous “l-ve while you can” scene. as janet stands at the alter she asks drowsy for one final word of advice, which is partially obscured by aldolpho dropping his cane. “l-ve while you can.” it’s a simple moment, but mic reveals to us that he’s been agonizing over it for years - did drowsy say “live” or “leave”? it occurs to everyone eventually, whether a couple days after the show like with me, or years after like with bob martin’s replacement on broadway that the most likely answer is that she had said “love while you can”. it’s this moment, when you realize why mic had never seen that as an option, that the drowsy chaperone’s status as a musical within a comedy within a tragedy is solidified. mic had no love in his life - his parents hated each other and he was forcing himself into relationships in which he felt nothing. to him, living and leaving were options, but loving never was. so he locked himself away.

as the final note on the record is playing, all power in mic’s apartment shuts down and the fantasy is ruined. the superintendent arrives and further invades his space, breaking the private sanctity he had built up for so long. she fixes the power and before mic can stop it from happening, the final note of the record plays. and the super recognizes it as a musical. she makes a remark about how much her wife loves musicals and leaves, completely unaware of what she’s just done.

mic sits in silence for a while. and then he begins to sing. gradually, the cast members begin to echo their songs, dancing around him but never touching him. then drowsy appears and sings harmony to mic. and she takes his hands. the show ends with the entire cast, including mic, taking off on trix’s airplane as the curtain falls, drowsy handing mic his record as the plane takes off.

some people interpret the ending as mic committing suicide, finally deciding between live and leave. I don’t personally believe that and neither does writer and original mic bob martin, but it’s still a valid interpretation. the drowsy chaperone’s ending is ambiguous, yes, but not to that extent. no matter what you believe the ending means, it was brought on not by the interruption of the fantasy, but by whatever realization the super’s remark about her wife triggered. as I see it, there are two main options here.

option one - mic realizes he still has time to live and to love. when he was younger the prospect of living as himself was unthinkable to him, yet now he sees that while he was spending countless years alone the world grew. drowsy offers mic her hand, an invitation to finally become what he had admired in her - someone who isn’t anywhere near perfect, but is damn well trying and living life without regret. he accepts.

option two - mic realizes that while he spent years alone the world moved on without him and he’s isolated himself so much from social interaction that he’d no longer be able to make a meaningful connection with anyone outside. so he stays inside instead, never trying, always trapped between live and leave. drowsy offers mic her hand - at least he’ll have a tune to carry with him.

I really want to believe we got option one. I think option one is the intended, really, given mic ends the show with a joyful goodbye to the audience. but the way that the ending is still left open for interpretation makes it so that we can never really know - we as the audience only get to be privy to a small part of mic’s life, and we don’t get the answers we want because at the end of the day they’re irrelevant to us - all we can do is make our own choice.

#the drowsy chaperone #musical theatre #musicals #broadway #musical meta #man in chair

39 notes · View notes

everybodyscupoftea · 4 years

Note

song fic idea!!! grow as we go by ben platt?? w rafe 🥺💜 i fuckin love ur writing dude makes me feel all warm inside n shit

oh first of all, thank you so much, that means a lot :)

secondly, i fucking love ben platt and that song makes me so soft and i kinda am gonna do this but also if you think about it, possible wedding song for the ‘you are the music in me’ verse? idk, let me know what you think

Rafe first suggested Grow as We Go as the song for your first dance, and you were immediately on board. It was so soft and encompassed, you felt, how the two of you had changed together over the course of your relationship. You also liked the amount of emotion Rafe’s eyes held when he listened to it, practically overflowing with love.

Sitting on the floor together, leaning back against your bed, legs out in front of you, you couldn’t help but think back over the years as the lyrics washed over the two of you. Rafe reached down and grabbed your hand with a soft hum, bringing it up to press a soft kiss to the back of it.

You say there’s so much you don’t know / you need to go and find yourself / you say you’d rather be alone / ‘cause you think you won’t find it tied to someone else

Right after graduation, the two of you got job offers. The only problem? In two different states. Rafe went west and you went north, fully intending on making it work. And it did, sort of. He didn’t struggle at all fitting in and making new friends, you were always a little more reserved and no one at your new job was making it easy.

Every time the two of you FaceTimed, Rafe was so open, talking about dinner parties and golfing and how much he loved his new job and his new boss. Meanwhile, you felt you were barely staying afloat. You weren’t sure if he could tell (he could) but you didn’t want to bring him down with your personal shit, so you internalized it.

When he’d ask about your friends, you’d sweep it under the rug, “They’re great, we’re getting dinner tomorrow.” Which was never true. And Rafe was starting to get frustrated, you could tell.

It all came to head one night when you zoned out mid-talk of a fishing trip. Rafe cleared his throat, effectively catching your attention, and you raised your eyebrows at him in confusion. He looked a little annoyed and a little amused, “Thinking about something over there, bud?”

“Hmm, just tired I guess.”

“How are things going for you?” he asked, “don’t want to hog all the conversation.”

“It’s good, I like listening to you talk.”

He narrowed his eyes at you, “Why won’t you just tell me the truth?”

Your thoughts flew to the last phone call you’d had with your mom. She was the only one who had any idea of what you were going through, and her advice was to end it with Rafe.

“Baby, you’re holding on to this boy and he’s changing, you need to change too. You aren’t in college anymore, this isn’t just going to end in four years, this is your future.”

“Rafe is my future,” you told her stubbornly, refusing to accept her advice.

“Is he?”

Her words struck you and echoed as Rafe looked at you, frustrated, waiting on you to come up with something.

“Should we break up?” you mumbled, playing with the carpet, refusing to look at your laptop screen.

It was silent for a few seconds before he whispered, “What?” in such a broken voice that you had to look up. His eyes were watering a little and his fingers were tapping on his jaw, something he only did when he was really anxious.

“Cameron, I’m just dragging you down here. You’re flourishing, you deserve to have a good, new life. I have some shit to figure out before I get to be where you are.”

Oh, who said it’s true / that the growing only happens on your own / they don’t know me and you

“Why can’t I help you figure it out?” he asked, reaching forward at the screen, as if to touch you.

“You’re not here,” you told him, looking back down at your hands.

Rafe didn’t have anything to say to that, you were right, but he wasn’t going to give it up. After a few minutes of silence, you were about to just end the call and the relationship, but Rafe had one last card to play.

Music started to softly play through your laptop speakers as he held his phone up. The song made your chest ache you missed him and his songs so fucking much. Before you could stop it, your eyes welled up with tears, running down your cheeks almost immediately.

“Sweetheart,” he started, speaking over the music, “I may not be there in person, but I’m always there for you.”

You won’t be the only one / I am unfinished, I’ve got so much left to learn / I don’t know how this river runs / but I’d like company through every twist and turn

Rafe had a weird relationship with his siblings, especially Sarah. There was a weird competitive dynamic that came from her being the blatant favorite all his life. The two of you had talked through it, for the most part, and Rafe was content to have an estranged friendship with her forever.

And then one evening, she showed up at the two of you’s apartment door, holding two suitcases with tear stains on her cheeks. Rafe had gone to answer the door because you were making dinner and you heard him say, “What are you doing here?” in the most passive aggressive tone he’d used in a while.

Wiping your hands off, you walked to the door to see who was standing there, just in time to hear her tell him, “Dad tried to set up some arranged marriage bullshit and I told him no, so he threw me out of the company.”

Rafe’s mouth was hanging wide open. You weren’t entirely sure how she’d gotten here, neither of you had ever shared with her or his parents where you were living. Rafe came to the conclusion at the same time you did and he sighed, “Wheezie.”

“Don’t be mad at her, I just didn’t know where to go.”

“Not fucking here,” Rafe told her, preparing to slam the door.

You stepped forward before he could, pressing on his chest to push him backwards, away from the door, “Let’s go to our room and talk about this, yeah?” Before tossing over your shoulder at Sarah, “Come on in, we have a guest bedroom over to the left.”

Rafe was tense, pacing, when you finally made it to your room and shut the door. You sat down on the bed and watched him for a few seconds before finally speaking up, “Talk to me, Cameron.”

“I thought,” he paused, “I thought we could have this distant relationship where we could be friendly but not friends. She’s infringing here, I don’t like it.”

You patted the spot next to you for him to sit, and wrapped an arm around his shoulders when he did, “Well, sometimes shit happens.”

Rafe huffed out a laugh and rested his head on top of yours, “What if I don’t want shit to happen.”

“What’s life without a few mix-ups?” you asked, shrugging.

He groaned, “I’m gonna have to let her stay, aren’t I?”

“It would be nice of you, for at least the short term while she gets back on her feet. I’m sure you know how it feels to be on your dad’s bad side.”

“Can we at least charge her rent?”

You snorted and pinched his bicep, “No, you may not. That’s your sister.”

“You’re going to regret that down the line, bud, when we’ve got a freeloader that we can’t get rid of.”

“Right, we’ll come back to this in a few months.”

Rafe put both of his hands on his knees and pushed himself up with a sigh, “Fine, I’ll go let her know she can stay.”

“Proud of you,” you called after him, laughing when his response was to flip you off.

I don’t know who we’ll become / I can promise it’s not written in the stars / but I believe that when it’s done / we’re gonna see that it was better / that we grew up together

Rafe proposed on your seven-year anniversary. You had an idea that it was coming, but you weren’t sure when. Admittedly, you were a little disappointed when it wasn’t during dinner or when the two of you stopped to watch the sunset in an abandoned parking lot.

In fact, he waited until the two of you were back in your apartment. You were both in the bathroom, getting ready for bed, you sitting on the counter facing him, him brushing his teeth and you putting on moisturizer. He was already shirtless and you were wearing one of your old college t-shirts, and both of you were in your most vulnerable states.

Rafe grabbed your foot when you tried to kick him and shook it gently, drawing a laugh out of you. You pinched his side in retaliation and he made a noise, arching out of your grip. After spitting and wiping his face, he grinned up at you, “Such a menace.”

“You love me,” you responded, confidently.

He brushed a strand of hair out of your eyes and smiled down at you softly, “Marry me.”

Your mouth fell open, “What?”

“Marry me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“I’m sorry is that a question or a demand?”

He rolled his eyes playfully and poked your side, “It’s a question, sweetheart, will you marry me?”

You gripped his shoulders pulling him closer, “Before I say yes, you couldn’t have asked me earlier tonight?”

Rafe blushed a little, “It never felt right. This feels right.”

And you couldn’t not kiss him for that. Both of you smiled into the kiss and he kept it short, pulling away to grab the ring he’d carefully picked out several months before. You couldn’t help but tear up as he slid it on your finger.

“Perfect,” he whispered, lacing your fingers together. One of his thumbs stroked over the ring band as you wiped your nose with your other hand.

“That was actually pretty soft, Cameron.”

“Only for you,” he told you, pressing a kiss to your cheek before helping you off the counter to go to bed.

You cuddled up to his chest when he flicked the light off and ruffled his hair, “Better be.”

You don’t ever have to leave / if to change is what you need / you can change right next to me

Rafe suggested dance lessons for your wedding. He said, “Babe, we can’t be just spinning in circles, that’s lame.” It reminded him of all the Midsummers he had to attend and that was unpleasant.

And you were on board for that, an actual dance seemed fun. The instructor you found loved your song and was super friendly, helping the two of you put something really personal together. Lessons were fun, but practicing on your own at home was more fun.

Both of you had two left feet and were constantly tripping over each other and stepping on each other’s feet. Several times he had you stand on top of his because, “I know better and at least this way you can’t step on my feet unexpectedly when you’re already on them.”

You shoved his chest, “Don’t be a dick.”

He laughed and kissed you, ending the playful argument.

You can ebb and I can flow / and we’ll take it slow / and grow as we go

It was all worth it in the end.

#rafe cameron #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron fic #outer banks #college rafe

79 notes · View notes