Welcome to Downton, Mr Shelby 14 ~ Tommy Shelby x Crawley!OC (Series)
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Summary: No Tommy but Charlotte and Lizzie - Chazzie...Lilotte?
If interested, you can check out this post for more about Charlotte
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Wordcount: 5140 words
Part 14
Charlotte felt like her head could explode any minute now. It was like a kettle ready to hiss and whistle just with nowhere for the air to escape, so it would shake and tremble more and more until the material would simply give in.
And her seams were ripping, as of course, this was the topic of conversation at dinner.
How could it not be?
“Only a few years ago, this would have been unthinkable.”, her father said, his voice strained with suppressed outrage. Her father was not one to shout, and would not do in this instance. He maybe just wouldn't be too hard on someone that this matter brought to shouting, so deeply ran his resentment and shock.
“A field marshall assassinated at the Derby, in the presence of their Majesties!”
His voice almost cracked on the final word.
Yes, she thought. The King had been there too, and the Queen. She had almost forgotten. Then again, most of the day seemed like a blur to her now, a wash of white and brown and grey, in contrast to the inescapable.
“I’ve heard it was the Irish.”, Mary said over some wonderful creation of carrot mousse and seabass that tasted like nothing but cardboard to her and her alone, as she forced herself to choke down bite by bite. It was little enough, but the last thing she wanted was their attention on her.
If they look, they'll know.
“How could it not be the Irish?", Edith argued. "After all he did to those poor people in Cork!”.
She said it as if it was something everyone would know, which naturally ticked Mary off.
For once, she didn't mind their squabble. Fight, she thought, fight so no one remembers I'm here.
She was too old to crawl in her mother's bed and disappear in her arms, to hide between her parents and let their warmth and love melt away her night terrors.
She was too old for that, and her terrors were worse and more shocking than any nightmare of hers had ever been. And since she could no longer melt into their embrace, she just wanted to disappear, to simply vanish until the world made sense again.
“Whatever are you talking about?”, Mary snapped, almost rolling her eyes at Edith, who smirked in triumph.
“Don’t you ever read the newspapers?”, she asked. "Even you might learn something."
"Girls-", their mother warned under her breath.
“It seems Branson has rubbed off on you.", Mary said, fighting Edith's smugness with performative disinterest.
Yet it was Charlotte who was cut by her words as the mention of his name only hammered down Sybil’s absence.
She could not run to her mother, could not confide in Mary, not in anyone - even Sybil was a stretch, but there was still a chance.
If anyone, then Sybil. But she wasn't here. She was across the sea, safe and untouched by all of this.
“It has nothing to do with him.”, Edith argued, not wanting to let this go “I don’t condone the attack, obviously, but we shouldn’t pretend like he was a saint either, now just because he is dead."
“Edith,”, their father said sternly, “Russell has served this country during many wars, including the Boer War, might I remind you, with distinction."
Sir Richard scoffed.
“I hear he has a reputation for vulgarity.”
Robert shot him down with a glare.
“He was a soldier in service to his king and this country and deserves every ounce of respect. And for him to be butchered by Irish terrorists is not only a tragedy but also a scandal for our nation."
The knife slipped from her grasp and clattered onto her plate, before sliding off and disappearing under the table.
“Apologies.”, she mumbled quickly, rushing to bend down to hide her face.
It was a small mercy and all she got, a split second to breathe and compose herself, to pretend the storm inside her wasn't raging.
“I think it’s far time to change the topic of conversation!”, her mother said at once.
Robert cleared his throat and looked over at her.
“You’re right. This is no topic for the ladies.”, he said, his blue eyes softening with care and affection.
She quickly looked away.
“It’s fine.”, she said, trying her best to sound convincing, at which she failed miserably.
“I know it’s ghoulish, but I am so relieved you left early.”, her mother said softly, shaking her head.
“Yes,”, Robert agreed, “How is Miss Stark?”
Cora had informed him that an acquaintance of Charlotte's had gotten ill from a heatstroke and that she had taken her home. He had been displeased at her absence, but the chivalrous compassion had eased his disapproval. Then of course, Russell's body had been discovered and the world turned on its head.
Charlotte swallowed hard and glanced at her mother.
Her eyes were wide alert, as if she was ready to jump in if she should fail, but still gave her the room to try.
“She is quite exhausted, so I presume she is asleep."
Not that she was in any state for dinner, despite it obviously being offered. Instead, Mrs Hughes had taken her a tray.
"She said she wanted to catch a train tomorrow after breakfast. I’d like to take a car to accompany her to the station.”
“Of course.”, Cora quickly said.
In the light of the ban on today’s incidents, the remaining conversation was rather limited, and the fact that she was permitted to remain in silence instead of being roped into the discussion was both blessing and curse.
But the quiet only made it worse, for that way all of Miss Stark’s words echoed louder and louder in her head.
Cora soon began to talk about the hospital garden fair, which only reminded her of the fact that her own hospital work, which had been lined up and planned meticulously. She hadn't wanted to put a foot wrong.
When dinner was over and they moved to the drawing room, Charlotte counted the minutes until she could excuse herself.
More than ever before, did she miss Sybil. If she could tell a soul, she could have told her…she could have and Sybil would have supported her, helped her, let her be angry or soothed her tears.
She didn't know whether she wanted to scream or cry, but right now she was allowed nothing. Just - terror.
Thankfully most of them chalked her behaviour down to today’s events, and she was soon sent off to bed to get some rest. As if any sleep would come to her ever again.
That’s not even a lie, Charlotte thought bitterly, her hand trembling on the banister as she crept up, feeling more like a ghost than a person.
How much a world could change from noon to night.
Despite the hurricane of her thoughts, her feet proved reliable allies, carrying her to her bedroom.
It felt foreign to her now, from the pale mint green colour of the curtains, to the pillows chosen to match. The way the mattress dented when she sat down, the feeling of the sheets, the way the street lamps flickered in the distance - all of it was foreign. But was it the world that was foreign now, or her?
She could hear the sounds of her breath, her chest rising and falling with shallow, faint huffs as her hands trembled.
If only she was brave enough to scream.
But she wasn't, and so silence was her only option, silence and confused agony, like a hunted animal that didn't know where the arrows came from. Only she had already been struck, and was bleeding out by the minute.
She forced her eyes shut to banish her tears and the thoughts that caused them.
It wasn't even her place to be angry at herself or pity herself, or both. What did she matter in all of this? In all Miss Stark had told her?
Compared to her, what right did she have to the chest-tightening feeling of bottomless betrayal?
So there was guilt to add to all those feelings too.
When she heard the knock on the door, she flinched up as if someone had struck her.
"Anna.", she said breathlessly. "I didn't ring yet."
Anna shook her head.
"Milady, a Mr. Shelby came to the backdoor to speak to you. I thought you might prefer it not being announced by Mr. Carson so I told him to wait there."
Charlotte felt her stomach drop, and her heart with it until there was only an icy, bottomless pit inside her.
I can’t see him. I can’t speak to him. I don’t want to. I can’t.
Like a frozen flower, she would shatter in his mere presence.
But she couldn’t say that to Anna. She would have to explain herself, and she couldn’t.
She had thought keeping him there was a kindness, given all she had told her of her activities with his charity, or what he had made her believe to be that.
If she didn't comply now, Anna would have her questions why.
Worse, she might ask Mary, and her sister would stop at nothing -
Charlotte cleared her throat and looked down, smoothing down the fabric of her dress.
She had no choice.
Unless she wanted to say the unspeakable and explain the inexplicable, she had to go down.
"Stay with me?", she asked, her voice trembling just slightly, betraying her to someone who knew her for nearly all her life.
"Of course, Milady.", she said, offering her a small smile, but it didn't reach Anna's eyes. For that, she could read her too well.
So she quickly moved ahead, unable to stand the piercing gaze.
But every step felt like she was dragging the weight of the world with her.
Still, despite everything, she was a Crawley. She had to be brave. There was no other option.
The servant's staircase spared her the knowing and judging gaze of her ancestors on the walls, but instead she saw a few curious glances of the servants as Anna led her out.
Of course Anna had thought of bringing along one of her scarves.
She wore it like a coat of armour, because it was the only protection she could have.
Taking a deep breath, like poor Jane Grey stepping out onto the Tower Green, she opened the door to the back entrance.
She smelled the smoke before she saw the glimmer of the cigarette, and then the man flicking it away.
His tie needle reflected in the light of the lantern, then the blonde of his hair.
“John.”
His name slipped from her lips like a cry of shock.
She had feared, but expected Tommy, and now on consideration perhaps even Arthur, but not John. Never John. He was the last one she had thought to come and seek her out.
But here he was, looking up at her with wide blue eyes.
“You live here?”, he asked surprised, his eyes wide with awe as he looked up the facade, the stucco, the countless windows.
“When in London, yes.”, Charlotte said, as she approached him slowly.
Arthur’s Arthur. He can’t help it, really. But John- John has a good heart.
He held his hat in his hands and shifted uncomfortably from one step to the other.
The hat, she remembered.
“Ahm, where is Lizzie?”, he asked, the way she imagined a schoolboy would inquire after his friend.
“Upstairs.”, Charlotte said. The mention of her sent a surge of defiance through her, like a second coat of iron out of the necessity of protecting the woman, but that also protected her in turn.
"She’s sleeping.”
“D-doesn’t she want to go home?”, he asked, glancing up as if he could look through the walls and windows into the guest bedroom.
“Not tonight.”
John nodded, taking a deep breath, his mouth contorting.
“How is she?”, he wanted to know, barely glancing up at her. He couldn't meet her gaze fully, but he couldn't look away either. For that, he cared too much.
And Miss Stark cared about him too. She had told her as much, about John, and his children and the wedding. About how he still tried his best to care for her after. About how he was good, one of the good ones, Charlotte. One of the boys they sent. A boy, not a man. Not like Arthur and Tommy.
Once she had feared the sharpness of his eyes, the cruelty in his words, the way he made her feel small and stupid and useless, but now Miss Stark’s assessment, as little as it was, was all she had to hold onto.
She cared about him, and he cared about her. So Charlotte chose to answer.
“I don’t know. Hurt. Tired. Angry."
She sighed once more, leaning against the doorframe.
"She didn’t want to see a doctor.”
Perhaps he could make her see sense.
“Course not.”, he mumbled to himself.
Then his blue eyes met his.
“Thanks, Charlotte. I know you and Lizzie…”
As he spoke, he turned his cap in his hands and when the light hit it right, she saw the light glimmer in the reflection.
Oh, she thought. Oh no.
She had forgotten all about that part, the fact getting lost in the tirade of terror, but it came rushing back, turning her stomach and making bile rise in her throat.
“That doesn’t matter now.”, she said quickly. “Anyone would have done the same.”
“They wouldn’t.”, he argued. “And I’m sorry for…you know.”
Charlotte nodded once more. “It’s fine.”
For a moment silence hung between them.
“Tommy’s outside. He’s also worried about Lizzie.”
“I see.”, Charlotte said, the pain that was already pounding in her chest, getting even worse, so bad she felt her entire insides were ignited with agony. “I doubt Miss Stark will want to see him anytime soon.”
“And what about you?”
I never want to see him again. I never want to talk to him again. I never ever want to think about him again! Granny was right. This was a terrible, terrible mistake.
If she could wipe him from her memory, she would in a heartbeat.
“I can’t go out now.”, she said, blinking away her tears. “It’s late and very cold.”
John saw right through her excuse.
“Has she…”, he began slowly, “has she said…”
“She told me enough, John.”, Charlotte said firmly, building herself up to her full height, “Miss Stark told me quite enough."
~
There was no sleep for her that night, and she guessed probably not for many nights to come. Her thoughts were too loud, the pictures Miss Stark painted too vivid and horrid and horrific to allow her much rest.
When Anna came with the morning tea, Charlotte was already up, with a scarf around her shoulders instead of her robe. She had left that with Miss Stark.
What a foolish, useless little thing in light of what had happened, what had happened to her.
"Has Miss Stark been woken yet?", She asked, avoiding Anna’s look. She felt the blonde woman would read her at any glance, would need only one look and see the truth of it all.
She probably knew about the real cause of Miss Stark’s distress already. That was why Mrs Hughes and her mother asked Anna for help. She was kind and discreet, and a soul they all could trust.
"About now, I think.", Anna said. “I’ve sent Lily up with a tray.”
"I think I will go and see her before getting ready for breakfast."
It was an improper thing to do, and so Anna helped her into a day-dress as quickly as she could, even skipping the stockings. She would only be going down the hall after all.
“There, Milady. Good enough I’d say.”, she said with her cheerful tone, as she smoothed down her hair just barely.
With that, she stilled her hands, her eyes finding hers in the reflection of the mirror.
“The last day has been quite distressing for you hasn’t it?”
It wasn’t a question as much as a medical diagnosis.
She had known her since she was a little girl and knew things about her that Mary and Edith missed. She had been taking care of her too long for her to miss things like these, even if she managed to conceal them from her sisters.
“Well, denial would be futile, so…”
She broke off and shook her head.
“I’ll just be glad to be home.”
That wasn’t even half a lie. She wanted to go home, to be back in Downton, to breathe Yorkshire air and be surrounded by her home as far as the eye could see.
“If there’s anything else you need, just let me know.”, she said, the words heavier than the normal empty courtesy.
"Thank you, Anna.”
But there are things I couldn't even tell you if I wanted to.
Leaving Anna to tidy, she left her room and walked the short distance to where Miss Stark had been put up in. She found her resting against the pillows, staring at the tea tray over her lap as if it was a wild animal ready to bite her nose off.
Charlotte made a point of not looking at the swelling of her lip.
Lily was with her, standing by the window.
"Good morning, Milady!", She greeted, dropping into a small curtsy.
"I was just asking Miss Stark what to do about clothes for today since she doesn't have any luggage."
No, Charlotte thought, there was no luggage, and the clothes she had worn, well, they had been reduced to tatters on the bathroom floor. Anna had helped her cover that up.
"She can have a pick of anything I brought.", she offered. “Try to pick out a few options of anything long.”
Miss Stark was a good deal taller than she was.
With that, Lily left with a gentle "Yes, Milady."
The door closed behind her, leaving Charlotte and the other woman alone.
The silence made her thoughts and the abstract fear they caused ring louder, echoing in her ears.
"Is this…normal?", Miss Stark asked, waving at the tray of tea, biscuits and orange slices.
"Well,", she said softly, sitting down on the chaise lounge. "Mine didn’t have orange slices."
Miss Stark huffed, and Charlotte couldn’t tell if it was a sign of success or failure at her attempt of lightening the situation.
When her fingers touched the porcellian, they trembled.
"How's the tea?", she asked, playing with the edge of her scarf.
"It's good.", Miss Stark mumbled, staring into it as if she hoped to see the future in the china.
"Did you sleep?"
She shook her head, which was understandable.
"Did you?"
Her response was the same.
What can I say?, She wondered, her chest tightening. What even is there to say?
The knock on the door surprised them both, especially when Charlotte saw who it revealed.
"Good morning, Mama!", She said, getting up from the bed and kissing her cheek.
Her mother looked to have had the same thoughts she had, to see Miss Stark as soon as she woke up. She wore a pale blue tea gown, the old kind with the wide cuts, flowing fabric and big pockets that was from before the war. It was far from the latest fashion but she had a preference for robes like these.
"Apologies, Miss Stark.", She said, "I heard you'd planned to take the early train and I couldn't let you go in good conscience without at least checking up on you."
Miss Stark was staring up at her with wide eyes, like a deer in headlights.
"Ahm- good morning.", She mumbled, before trying to remove the tea tray in order to get up in a rush.
“Oh no need for that!”, her mother said swiftly. “We’re the one invading your bedroom this morning, aren’t we?”, she said, taking Charlotte’s arm.
"I'm sorry for being a bother, Milady.”, Miss Stark told the teacup.
A sense of sadness washed over her mother’s face.
"Oh please, you could never be a bother, Miss Stark. You have all of us quite a scare. Are you sure you wouldn't prefer to see a doctor? We can arrange it, easily. Quietly. We’d take care of it all, and there would be no risk to your reputation.”
"No Doctor, please.", Miss Stark said sharply.
Her mother, Lady Grantham, sighed.
"Alright, but I'll send up Anna to see to your cuts again, yes? The same ointment Mrs Hughes gave you yesterday.”
To that, she agreed.
"Good.”, her mother said, breathing a sigh of relief. "Now what do we do about clothes?"
"Oh, Miss Stark- will borrow some of my things."
Her mother looked at her as if she had suggested something ludicrous.
“Nonsense, darling. Miss Stark won't fit into your clothes. I'll have the maids take some of Mary's things."
"Mary will hate that!", Charlotte said. And she would demand to know why -
She already had far too much going on to dare getting Mary upset at her now.
"I'll handle Mary.", Her mother assured her, "Don't you worry one bit, Miss Stark. After breakfast, we'll have the car ready to take you to the station, whenever you need, whether that is this morning, today or tomorrow."
"Thank you, Milady.", Miss Stark said. "For everything."
"No need.", She assured her, before cupping Charlotte's cheek.
"I'm very proud of you, darling.”
In that moment, for a split second, the world was alright again, but as soon as her mother left, she felt herself falling into that icy pit again.
They wouldn’t be proud if they knew what she knew now. They’d be so enraged and appalled, shocked and horrified - just as she was now. And she felt so very stupid.
"Your mother's lovely.", Miss Stark said softly, once the door was closed again.
"Yes.", Charlotte admitted breathlessly. Lovely and completely in the dark of the foolishness of her youngest daughter.
Miss Stark shook her head, biting her lip as she did.
"Fuck.", She groaned, as she dropped her head into her hands. "Fucking hell, Charlotte!"
The swearing made her jump. But could she blame Miss Stark for her choice of words?
"What's wrong?", She wanted to know, rushing towards her. "What did I do? What did Mama do?"
"Nothing!", she snapped. "That's the whole fucking point."
She ran a hand through her hair.
"You're…you're not like us - fuck - I never should have said a thing.”
“No,”
Now it was her voice to add sharpness.
“It was far time I knew.”
All this pain, confusion and betrayal she felt was infinitely better than the puppet on a string she had been before, oblivious and foolish, pouring her heart, soul and energy into his castle of clouds that he conjured up only to lure her in.
It all seemed so obvious now, of course. So blatantly, tragically obvious. And the worst part was, others had seen it while she had deluded herself, and would have continued to do so if Miss Stark hadn’t told her.
~
Home did not bring the relief she had hoped for. Maybe, it even made it worse, as she had never missed Sybil more than now.
Sybil would listen, without laughing, without being shocked or horrified. She would listen without judging. No 'I told you so's, no 'you should have known's, no 'How could you be so foolish?'s.
But Sybil wasn't here. She was gone, off to Ireland with Branson - she could scratch his eyes out for that now more than ever!
Charlotte tried to write to her but every time she tried to put it into words she failed miserably. It never sounded right, it never captured her thoughts properly. And even putting these things in writing felt like a crime of their own.
And she burned each and every piece of paper until her room smelled of nothing but smoke.
She couldn't telephone her either. Sybil didn't have a telephone now and she couldn't dare being overheard. So she was all alone, alone with her thoughts.
She went riding before breakfast so as to avoid the conversation, and took long walks in the afternoon.
But no matter how fast or far she galloped, she couldn't outrace her thoughts. Her betters had tried and failed at that, her grandmother informed her with a sharp quip.
Sleeping was difficult as well, because sometimes she would dream.
The nightmares were bad, but the other dreams were worse, those in which it was just them together, those of work and pride, when her research bled into the realm of her dreams. In those dreams, they got along, which made her want to drown herself in her shame at her own mind’s betrayal.
Her family all thought she was upset about the field marshall, with her mother perhaps taking Miss Stark, Lizzie now as she insisted she call her, into account. And in a way they were right.
Tommy killed him.
Tommy shot him in the head with his own gun and killed him.
Tommy made Lizzie lure the man away, who hurt her and then Tommy shot him in the head with his own gun and killed him.
Because that's what Tommy does. He kills people. He hurts people. He blinds people. He uses his own brothers like soldiers.
Lizzie had told her.
That and so much more.
The man she admired, the man she had been so desperate to impress, the man who had made her feel more useful and valued than any other person in her whole life. And for what?
She hadn’t understood who the inspector was, or what that had to do with guns and the IRA and a barmaid. But she had known Mr Churchill - how relieved she had felt when hearing his name, a small sliver of familiarity in the chaos of Lizzie’s words, only for that to be turned on it’s head.
Advantage was what she had said. Insurance.
During the meals, she tried to keep to herself as much as possible and avoid conversation.
There was always something more important than her to discuss and she happily let them.
Right now, the topic of the week was the garden party for the hospital.
Now, with the war over, it has come up again.
"I doubt anyone would be comfortable after what happened last time.", her mother said.
What a different time that had been. What a different world.
"We don't need reminding."
"It gives the village an opportunity to show unity in support for the hospital, especially after the war.", Granny insisted.
"On that we agree.", Isobel said. "Speaking of hospitals- Charlotte, how are your preparations going?"
Charlotte glanced up, confused at what she was asking.
"Preparations for what?", her mother asked.
Isobel responded and in her answer, reminded her.
"Charlotte is set to meet with a few doctors for the children's hospital in Birmingham next week."
The wine in her glass trembled just slightly
That seemed a lifetime ago now. Or maybe a life that wasn't her own. One of make-believe and stupidity.
"I've been helping her prepare."
Isobel smiled at her and she tried to smile back, but the muscles in her face fought the motion.
"If I can give you one bit of advice, talk to the nurses. They know more about the day-to -day runnings of the hospital than the doctors."
"Naturally you would say that.", Granny quipped.
"When are you going?", her mother wanted to know.
Charlotte cleared her throat and glanced down at her hands. They were still trembling.
"The meeting is next Tuesday.", She said softly.
"Are you sure you should be going?”, Cora asked, a line of concern between her brows.
"I think she most certainly should.", Isobel argued. "It is her project and she is very well prepared."
"I disagree.", her father said said, "Charlotte should take some time to rest, especially after the shock."
Don't I know it, she thought bitterly.
"But some distraction might do her good.", Isobel argued.
"I agree with Robert.", Matthew said uncommonly forcefully, "besides, there are a great many causes and distractions closer to Downton. I've heard there is an organisation in Ripon that specialises in helping children with reading difficulties."
"Goodness- how intriguing!", Mary scoffed, her eyes finding the back of her head.
"The last thing Charlotte should do is take on another cause!", Granny argued. "She’s a lady, and they’re working her like a ploughhorse."
"Although I must protest your comparison, I agree that she already has a cause and a very worthy one at that.", Isobel said.
It was Edith who spoke up next.
"I'm sorry, but Charlotte, do you even want to go?”
That made them all fall silent and Charlotte wished they would have continued to fight, but now all eyes were on her.
The worst part was, now everyone knew that it was happening on Tuesday. And they would all wait for it.
"I, ahm, I don't know yet.", She said softly. "It depends, I guess."
That was an answer that made everyone at the table unhappy, giving neither side more ammunition, or another enemy to strike at.
Come next morning, she received a call just after breakfast.
"How are you?", She asked, like she had asked in every call.
"I'll manage.", The other woman replied. "What about you?"
"I'm trying to figure out how to manage.", She said truthfully, which made her chest tighten in shame. It should be the other way around. She had only heard of the bad things, Lizzie had been forced to live them.
"Look- about what I told you…"
"I'm glad you did, Lizzie, truly.", She said quickly.
There was silence for a while.
"So you went to work again.", Charlotte stated.
I wouldn’t have. I would have reported him to the police, and everyone else too.
"Yes."
"How was it?", She asked.
"He's walking on eggshells."
As he should.
Well, he should be in prison awaiting a trail at the King’s Court, not walking on eggshells, but that was the least he could do.
What he had done to her was cruel and so terribly heartless and Charlotte found it entirely unforgivable, but it wasn’t hers to forgive. It was Lizzie’s and so she kept her mouth shut in regards to the outrage she felt.
"Are you coming back?", Lizzie wanted to know after the screaming silence.
Charlotte sighed and rubbed her temple.
"I don't know, Lizzie.", She said truthfully. "I don't know anything anymore."
When she went out with the horse, she rode until she felt her lungs would burst, but neither the horse, nor the grass, trees or the wind could tell her an answer.
If Sybil was here, she could choose for me.
But she wasn’t and so Charlotte was all alone with her horses and the storm in her mind.
~
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