#maybe if my life doesnt fall apart more at the seams i will be able to crank out a much simpler tony for tomorrow's prompt | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mizuta · 1 year

Text

god im tired (longer winded ramble under the cut about disability?)

the thing they dont tell you. about being the son of two disabled parents, two people who hate themselves more than they could hate you, a woman who swears up and down that her becoming disabled enough to need a wheelchair full time is the worst thing thats ever happened to her, thats Ruined her life.

the thing they dont tell you is their constant insistance that you can do better and are just lazy warps your fucking perspective to yourself until its unrecognizeable. they push themselves until theyre now falling apart at the seams with worse and worse damages that couldve maybe been avoided somewhat and refuse to allow you to be 'weak' and 'need help'.

they dont tell you that when youre navigating constant persistant wrist pain at 22, when your cognitive functions have always been bad but not bad enough, that youre never gonna feel like you deserve help or accommodations. that you cant do math or numbers and thats a larger symptom of something, of when words blur together and you read chunks of writing as nonsensical regularly, when you hear one thing but someone said something completely different and you have to just bashfully laugh it off.

when your language function breaks down and youre speaking in fragmented sentences. no proper grammar. the words are hard and dont make sense and youre just desperately screaming in your own wy trying to be heard. you get told that one might be a symptom of your psychosis but fuck nobody ever told you that wasnt normal to begin with other than making fun of you when your guards down.

when you can barely tell time between two days from each other and your disassociative disorder makes you all lose so many gaps in time, and youre not mad at each other for that, but you just kind of wonder because between that and how much time doesnt exist to you all and how much you forget from adhd to the point that entire days are forgotten after youve lived them, when youre so exhausted and your head feels like fog 80% of the time, when your mood tracker never puts you above a 5 on the mental health scale on your best days.

when you know damn fucking well youre not abled enough, but nobody tells you that youll constantly be told youre not disabled enough, either. not abled or disabled. some fucking other thing, something thats useless, something thats just fucking pointless.

its like, i know im mentally ill. severe clinical depression. adhd. probably cptsd that im still coming to terms with. likely ocd. possibly autistic as well its hard to tell. psychosis. but im also in pain pretty regularly, but its 'only' wrist pain, so does it matter? i cant think straight most days of the week and its a genuine struggle full of spoons to keep my speech coherent and just tonight alone i keep hallucinating my bathroom lights on and getting up and discovering when i come to turn them off theyre already off.

ive been sick for a week and a half and i could barely manage to get out of bed and shower twice. or get a sports drink so i didnt just... faint. i need constant access to electrolyte water/sports drinks or my near-constant dizziness and lightheadedness and sometimes physical pain gets way worse, rather than 'manageable and liveable'. i feel like im going fucking insane.

all signs point to me having asthma. my parents literally think im insane at the idea. i have so much breathing trouble and this last week i couldnt breathe for multiple 10 minute chunks because i went to work sick because i need the money.

christ almighty. not abled. not disabled enough. cant quantify my cognitive problems because itll never be 'enough'. god.

im so fucking tired, dude. i just want to sleep for a really, really long time

#zero jams #;mt

1 note · View note

shinycorvidae · 3 years

Text

Head Cannon Dump Part 4 of 6

The two Vs, NV/Vic/V Part 1: Physicality and Personality

-NV is Vic, my V, a nomad

-Hiro or SKV, her roommate, then friend, then lover, Street kid background (vaguely), hes @smilepal s

Basic/Physical:

She's 28, at game start

Half Cuban, half white and has lived in a desert for most of her life so she has warm brown tanned skin. Warm yellow/brown eyes which can look piercingly through you or soft and understanding depending on her mood.

Her hair is a blue color with a tinge of green. It was supposed to be a forest green but her sister grabbed the wrong bottle of perma-dye when they broke into the local ripperdoc's clinic to dye their hair.

Her lips are also permanently colored. She likens it to war paint but she doesn't want the hassle of applying it/worrying about it rubbing off.

Ex-nomad, sleeps like the dead anywhere because she's used to having people around to watch her back

Her bones crack like fucking glow sticks.

-Johnny: how are your bones in worse condition than mine were?? I was in my 30s?

-Vic *just finger guns*

Vic sleeps like an idiot, all contorted and sideways

-Hiro tries to push her back into a normal situation so she doesn’t wake up with her back hurting more than usual.

Has a snake tattoo snaking around her chest for Viper, got it with funds from the first mission with Jackie. She also has a devils head and Chippin' In lyrics on her back from her teen years.

V really didnt want to admit to Johnny that she was a samurai fan so she goes out of her way to not look at her back while hes in her head. "Who? Is that some bushido reenactment shit?"

This goes well until Johnny has control of her body and goes to the bathroom to check on her ribs, thinking he broke them.

-J: "I know, Vic."

-Nv: "What?"

-J: I know about your secret."

-Nv: "Ehehe secret? Wha-"

-J: "I SAW YOUR BACK V"

-Nv: "oh fu-"

-J: "BUSHIDO REENACTMENT MY ASS."

Pansexual.

She has a pair of mantis blades, which are basically a safety blanket for her, weapons that can't ever be taken away so she's never helpless. So when she's nervous/feeling helpless she runs her fingers over the seam of them.

They’re her weapon of last resort though so if you find her at home cleaning the blood off them, you know a mission went fucking sideways

They were her dad, Michael's, which he got from the army so they're military issue high end suckers. Also around 50 years old lmao.

They make Vik weep because finding replacement parts is impossible

V only smokes the occasional joint and gets drunk once in a blue moon. She's managed to avoid smoking completely and is pissed that Johnny tried to sabotage that.

“She gives him the occasional cigarettes "as a treat"

"Aww Johnny you were actually a decent human being, here have a cigarette"

"I'm not a fucking cat V"

"Just say thank you, Dickhead"

"Fuck off"

"Love you too"

Has a bullet wound scar on her thigh which is covered up with a simple black band tattoo. Her only other significant scars are some on her chest from a motorcycle crash as a 16 year old. She's always had decent access to a ripper doc so while she's been injured a lot, she doesn't have many scars

Personality:

V is a sweetheart. She honestly believes the best of everyone. She grew up in a nomad community where everyone worked together for the good of everyone, and kind of expects the same of everyone in night city.

She continues to trust people blindly, despite being burned a couple times. She has faith in herself to be able to fight her way out of a bad situation should she get backstabbed, so shed rather bet on people being generally good.

Life can be rough in the badlands. Resources are scarce. Vic learned how to conserve resources from a young age. Shes frugal with her money, hoards anything that might be useful, and is really into reusing/recycling things. Shes brought Hiro cyberware she pulled out of dead bodies and is generally handing with mechanical fixes.

This also applies to food. When youve had days were literally the only thing you had to eat that day were some dusty grasshoppers you managed to forage, your standards for food fall drastically.

This drives Hiro and Johnny nuts who often have to stop her from eating random/possibly poisoned food.

The fact that shes a blindly trusting person just amplifies this.

*V walking in with a plate of cookies*

"..whats that V?"

-Nv: "Oh hey, the neighbor gave me these cookies! Want some?"

*Johnny and Hiro who both know you shouldn't accept random food from strangers in Night City, immediately disposing of them.*

-Nv: "What a waste of food :("

-H: "HOW MANY DID YOU EAT?"

-J: "How did you live before us?!"

-H: "Jackie. It was definitely Jackie, the Saint."

-...Not very long later,

"we see you V, don't eat those out of the bin"

-Nv:" :("

She's very secure in her sexuality, a naturally attractive and sexual person. Her clan had very little sexual stigma at all, its hard to have any shame over sex when there's only tents without soundproof walls. Her whole clan was definitely also very into free love/poly/open relationships, to the point were most kids didn't know who their parents were and were raised communally. Having sex was just a platonic thing that just sort of happened.

-Nv: “It’s hard to get all embarrassed about privacy when you grew up in a place with only tent walls. It’s just sex.

-SKv: “V, you blush and get tongue-tied whenever the hot neighbor even vaguely looks your way.

-NV: “WELL I didn’t normally have to ASK for sex, it just kinda happened and flirting is HARD, AND YOU NIGHT CITY RESIDENTS ARE ALL SNEAKY ABOUT IT”

Shes used to having sex with her platonic friends, her first couple of one night stands in NC were just an absolute mess--then she tried to sleep with Jackie which went predictably well.

-NV: “Do you want to have sex?”

-Jackie: *Chokes on his tequila. “What?! I’m with Misty??”

-NV: “...and?”

-Jackie: “I mean...I mean you never gave any signs?!

-NV: “Signs??”

-Jackie: “Hermana, most people in NC don’t just sleep with their friends. I mean. They do. But they don’t. It’s complicated.”

-NV: “Obviously.”

Considering that, V is. HORRID. at flirting in Night City. She's never really had to do that kind of verbal dance before and a lot of come on/innuendo goes over her head. She also has zero body shame and often walks around their apartment naked and will change nonchalantly in public.

-Nv: *Noticing people staring at her at the club and going into work mode*

-Hiro: *Noticing Nv counting the exits*

"what's wrong?"

-Nv: "That man's staring at me. Maybe he's Arasaka."

-Hiro: "He's staring at your ass, V."

-Nv: "Oh."

Definitely has the occasional “why the fuck didn’t you just say so?!” moments with the boys

*Cue SKv trying to be seductive all day, dropping things and bending over to get them all slow, changing in the living room/working out shirtless, ect. Nv is appreciative but she doesn’t really do anything, and by the end of the day*

-SKv: “For the love of god JUST FUCK ME ALREADY”

-Nv: “What? Alright, geeze all you had to do was ask.”

As trusting as V is, she's an amazing soldier. Her ex military father has been training her to kill people and protect their clan since she was six. She killed her first human at 9 years old.

Due to this while she is a friendly, happy person when she's in a fight or during a mission, she becomes a cold and calculated person, all emotion wiping from her face. She makes quick, decisive decisions, cutting her enemies down at the knees before they have a chance to fight back.

She's a brutal shot with her sniper rifle, knows her way around precision rifle and is deadly with knives both as a close range and throwing weapon.

Vic has a tactical brain/training and is always planning. Its instinct by now. Planning the exits to a room, the quickest way to take down any possible assailants, an enemys open weak points. She takes pride in her skills as a soldier as she sees it as her way of protecting/providing for her family.

As outgoing a person she is she sometimes goes too far when in 'work mode' and needs Hiro to be her moral compass/pull her back.

Her ways of tackling missions is finding a snipers nest and waiting patiently until the perfect moment presents itself, no longer how long that takes. Plus a healthy dose of stealth and pinpoint accuracy.

It takes a lot to push her to revenge but if you threaten her family, she will pick you, your backup, adult (v doesnt touch kids.) family and resources apart methodically, patiently and brutally until your the last one standing. Then she will let you stew, waiting for her final shot. It could come immediately, a week later or even a month

#V #cyberpunk v #cyberpunk 2077 #Victory Devin #Cinnamon roll whos possessed by an assassin #literally just poison her guys #itd be so easy #v is a crackshot #She's going to drive Hiro and Johnny to an early death #that's love right #headcannons #excessive headcannons

4 notes · View notes