#mc13's complicated relationship with art

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#mc13's complicated relationship with art #I don't want to hear 'but it won't be mediocre' or 'why are you disparaging yourself' the point is to ask whether I should Post Art #even if it's not very Good™ #the thing is. the THING is. one (1) person got in my head about something. a person I don't even. like that much. but what they said just #OBLITERATED my tentative commitment to Making Severely Imperfect Art Simply Because It's Art and #Idk if I'm at the point where I can override that They-Got-In-My-Head by myself. but if I see statistical support of Making Mediocre Art... #art #singing

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Me: I should sing in front of people again. Maybe I need to post something more regularly? It might get me out of a creative rut because I would have to risk failure. I could start with something easier that's in my general wheelhouse to make it less scary.

The gremlin part of my brain: I should sing a rock song.

#help #mc13's complicated relationship with art #ugh maybe I just need to do something harmlessly embarrassing. #then I'll get it all out of the way and I can learn to live with myself. idk though.

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The THING is. I've never really figured out how exactly to connect with other people naturally, it's always been through the vehicle of creativity/art. So I'm not at a place where I can just trust myself to be able to Find People™ on my own merits based on who I am as a person, which means that my ability to access my own humanity and form significant interpersonal relationships hinges (in my own opinion) COMPLETELY on whether or not the things I make are Good™. If I do Bad Art, then people will hate me and avoid me, and I will have to cope with the ordeal of being a person all by myself because there's no reason anyone would ever choose to share that experience with me if I'm not Really Good At Something™. Somehow I have convinced myself that this is 100% how people operate and that this is a reasonable and healthy approach to life.

#mc13's complicated relationship with art #this is mostly about singing (just because it was part of my Identity™ for so long) but it's also become about writing lately which is. #sure something..........

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I want to sing through some Weird Emotions, which has the effect of me wanting to share art, but also no one perceive me ever.

#mc13's complicated relationship with art #like...something something songs are for when words aren't enough you need to express yourself to truly connect with people but also YIKES #TERROR. #like again I do NOT want to do this professionally but I miss singing FOR something. I miss sharing music that I like and being able to go #'oh hey look I paid tribute to this thing I hope it can evoke some of the same things in you that it did in me while I was singing it' #but I'm also just...so Scared™ about that? like 'if I do this badly I will forfeit my right to membership in society' which is. ridiculous. #but such is o.c.d. #MAKE BAD ART. IF I HATE MYSELF THE PATRIARCHY WINS. I NEED TO KEEP SCREAMING THESE THINGS AT MYSELF OVER AND OVER #like GENUINELY as unhinged as I get on this blog there's a lot of vulnerability that I don't put here and that I don't put ANYWHERE #and yeah haha look it means that I keep a lot of unpleasant things at a distance but it also means that I don't ever actually show myself #and that was fine for like. idk a fair amount of years but it is getting unbearable now. truly it is eating at me day in and day out #and truly it is preventing me from ever actually enjoying life and WHY IS THIS SO HARD WHY IS HUMAN CONNECTION AND SELF-ASSUREDNESS SO HARD #WHY IS IT SO HARD TO SIMPLY BE ONESELF AND EXIST IN THE WORLD

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ART IS FOR FUN AND PERSONAL EXPRESSION ART IS FOR FUN AND PERSONAL EXPRESSION ART IS FOR FUN AND PERSONAL EXPRESSION ART IS FOR FUN AND PERSONAL EXPRESSION ART IS FOR FUN AND PERSONAL EXPRESSION ART IS FOR FUN AND PERSONAL EXPRESSION ART IS FOR FUN!!!!! AND!!!!!!!!!! PERSONAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXPRESSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#mc13's complicated relationship with art #the good news is that I seem to have less of a Complex™ about some things. #the bad news is that I now have Complexes™ about DIFFERENT things #but like...progress? I guess? maybe??? ugh I can't wait until I have a therapy session again #once again I am asking to sift my braincells through a colander

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FINE I'M GOING TO GO SING BECAUSE ART IS GOOD FOR YOU

#I'LL NEVER GET BETTER IF I DON'T DO IT #AND I WANT TO GET BETTER SO THAT I CAN RELAX WHILE I SING SO I CAN JUST FOCUS ON ENJOYING IT #IT'S FOR MY FUCKING MENTAL HEALTH #I SAID I WOULD DO THIS SO I'M GONNA #mc13's complicated relationship with art

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......Huh.

#I was trying to Record Something for a Thing™ that I wanted to do as a personal project & I did a trial run (to figure out some #sound stuff) and it was. not bad? like I need better equipment but the actual singing itself was not? terrible?? #I really thought that I was completely and totally incompetent at this for years with no hope of improvement #(or maybe it's just that I'm doing it for me now and the stress of Making A Living with it has been lifted) #Idk. but I hope this is a sign of things trending in the right direction #mc13's complicated relationship with art

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“I am a coloratura soprano!!” I say, as I continue to be deathly afraid of both vocal agility and any note above a B-flat 4.

#it's the whole 'self-conscious about my ability because I haven't sung in so long and am comparing myself to everyone else' thing #mc13's complicated relationship with art

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As soon as I don't feel overpowering, sickening shame over the process of creating something it is OVER for the rest of you.

#mc13's complicated relationship with art

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ANOTHER thing, re: parallels between performing onstage and writing, is that. Nothing is ever going to be perfect. Nothing will ever be written perfectly, and no production will ever be performed perfectly. Some imperfections are going to be more noticeable to different people, but the fact that imperfections exist doesn't mean that the creation as a whole is useless or Objectively Bad (there is no such thing as a truly objective evaluation of art). And there isn't a Best Choice and a Worst Choice. There is an infinite selection of effective choices, and there are some choices that may be much less effective. And some of these choices will be effective or ineffective simply depending on context or even specific moments. It is completely unrealistic to expect perfection of something. Because if it were perfect, it wouldn't be made by humans. And if art is an expression of our humanity...well, "perfect" art kind of defeats the entire point, doesn't it.

#mc13's complicated relationship with art

[musical-chick-13]

They should invent a Way of Singing Healthily that doesn't Require Warming Up.

#I HATE VOCALIZATIONS I /HATE/ THEM #UGH #(good news is that said vocalizations allowed me to record some stuff I just have to listen to them to see if anything is usable) #mc13's complicated relationship with art #remember when I did this every day and breath support/air flow came naturally? remember??? #REMEMBER WHEN I KNEW ABOUT FORMANTS #lmao #OH ALSO REMEMBER WHEN I HAD A WORKING FUCKING CAMCORDER AND DIDN'T HAVE TO RECORD ON MY PHONE #singing

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Thinking about how the first date I ever went on, this guy and I did karaoke, and I did, genuinely, a very poor job on the song I chose, like my singing was Not Good. And when this guy told me I did well, I decided this guy was not the right person for me because how could someone be the right person for me if they weren't willing to tell me immediately that I was incompetent, anyway I apparently have always had very disconcerting art-related psychological issues.

#I mean. there were other reasons that I ended up not dating this guy-the main one of which was that I was NOT ready to be in a relationship #at the time. but like. pretty sure this was not healthy behavior. sometimes I have a Moment™ where I realize everything this illness #helped take from me and then I get. very upset. to put it simply. #ANYWAY I'm choosing to laugh at myself over this because if I don't I'm going to get depressed :) #mc13's complicated relationship with art #mc13 lore

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The good news is that I sang and had fun!

The bad news is that for Exposures™ I recorded myself singing and now I have to listen to it.

#*shaking myself* IT'S GOOD FOR YOU! IT'S GOOD!!! FOR YOU!!!!! #mc13's complicated relationship with art #this is the first step to seriously sharing my musical art again (as in like. singing something not-super-easy where the #point isn't to be funny but to sound relatively good.) and I'll never be okay with Not Being Perfect if I don't get used to HEARING myself #Not Be Perfect. I need to face the fact that sometimes I will make bad art and it won't kill me-hence the exposure exercises but #jfc is this hard lmaoooo #I have a rare Energy™ day so I'm gonna try to get as many things done as possible in like. the next 6 or 7 hours a;sldfkajs;lfdkj

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*sigh* When will I learn that following my instincts on how to phrase lines/how to set up high notes/which vowel modification to use will always be the best choice to make Good Sounds™

#WHEN WILL I LEARN!!! #so the good news is that the technique foundations are still there. #but I will straight up go 'nah that can't be right' and do something COMPLETELY counterintuitive that (of course) doesn't work #@MC13 TRUST YOURSELF #mc13's complicated relationship with art