#my digital art has all looked like shit so i needed a small victory

[rouiyan]

𝘚𝘛𝘙𝘈𝘐𝘎𝘏𝘛 𝘖𝘍𝘍 𝘛𝘏𝘌 𝘍𝘐𝘌𝘓𝘋 [ 𝘭.𝘥𝘩 ]

synopsis: we’re all sprinting towards one thing or another. the players to the ball, mark to his class, and haechan right to you.

✧ soccer player!haechan x (fem.) reader + best friend!mark ✧ high school au, best friends to loverz, inspired by heather (conan gray)

✧ genres : some fluff, some angst, some pining what’s new ✧ word count : 2.3k ✧ disclaimer : swearing

✧ author’s note — wrote this in ap stats, probably should have been paying attention instead bc i can't figure out how to do the hw for the life of me.

"did you see y/n today?" 

haechan thinks, by the sound of the voice, that it's mark who's speaking. he pulls the rest of the sweatshirt past his head, "no, did you?" haechan's grabbing for his socks, he swears he stuffed them in the front pocket of his backpack. "that's why i'm asking, idiot. she told me she would be here today." a tongue of frustration juts out from haechan's mouth, he hopes it just looks like he's agitated about his missing socks and not the fact that you always tell mark those things, always mark and never him. 

haechan is out of the locker room in seconds, sneakers slipped on without socks. he's adjusting the hood of the sweatshirt, tucking his locks under the material, when he sees you lingering by the bleachers. you smile sheepishly when you see the boy coming from the locker rooms, "somehow, i thought it started at four and i thought i got here early but your coach told me you guys just finished." haechan can't help but laugh, so that's why you weren't here, "and we won, too. did he tell you that?"

he's by your side now, seated, though his feet are planted on the ground while yours are swinging back and forth, "he did tell me that, congratulations haechan, wish i could've seen you score today." haechan tucks a lip under his teeth, now's not the time for him to be so obvious, not when it's just you and him. he thinks that yet, his stares linger on you for a little longer than normal, his fingers are fiddling with the ridges of the bleachers, and his cheeks host the brightest hue of cherry red. 

"hey, y/n, where were you today?" haechan's nose scrunches at an emerging mark, he really thought he could have the moment with you. mark approaches and sits on the other side of you. captain mark lee, haechan notes with shrewd annoyance, is wearing your sweater, his favorite of yours, the one with the worn polyester fabric that's pilling all over but still holds warmth snuggly. the one that haechan's been wanting to wear since day one. 

mark swings his legs as well and haechan watches as you point it out, giggling now that mark is trying to swing in sync to your own pace. "wanna come over? my mom's been asking you to come over for dinner," marks eyes are on you, haechan can see that much, but he also misses the way your own eyes shift to himself. and what haechan doesn't see, mark does, and his lip twitches into a knowing smile, "haechan, you should come too, my mom misses you."

the boy himself is already in over his head and passing up the offer is the only way he sees to escape the despair that comes with being a third wheel, "no thanks, i have a shit ton of homework to do today." your hum in response is mixed with an undertone of a sigh, one that haechan is too sidetracked to notice. he takes his leave, "well, i'll see you two tomorrow i guess."

you and mark sit in silence for the minutes after his leave, mark sneaking small glances at your ever-changing expression, an open book to all your thoughts. "next time, y/n, next time." 

well shit, maybe mark wasn't as clueless as you pegged him to be. 

in agitation, mark shoves the last of his books into his backpack, class is about to start soon and if he doesn't get going now, well then he might as well give up his perfect attendance, no tardy record. haechan leans against the locker next to his own, a seemingly bored expression on display to hide the inner rumblings of his thoughts.

"so how was dinner last night, did you guys miss me?" haechan's trying to come off as nonchalant, he hates it when he has to pry just to satiate his curiosities. mark shuts his locker, swinging his backpack across one shoulder, "uh, dinner didn't happen and no, i didn't miss you but i bet y/n did." haechan's left in confusion on all fronts, "what do you mean it didn't happen? why would she miss me- wait, why did you not miss me?"

"well y/n said she was busy all of a sudden, something like that. as for-" the bells rings, signaling the end of passing period, and effectively cutting off the answers to all of haechan's worries. marks eyes widen and before he can even catch the boy by his arms, to shake and spill the words out of him, he's already sprinting down the emptying halls. 

haechan sighs. he should be sprinting too but he's already late, might as well walk. the campus grounds are vast and he decides to take a stroll outside, the much longer way to his physics class. haechan is passing a few classes on his left, all of them filled with the chatter of students before a teacher begins their lectures, but there's one class that catches his eye. the window into the ceramics class reveals a clear view of you, eyebrows furrowed and trying to shape a little figure on the table before you. you've told him many times before that ceramics was your least enjoyed of all your courses, that you had taken it simply because you needed an art credit and while that might've been the reason you'd signed up, haechan can tell by the way you handle the little mold of clay, that you had stayed for much different reasons.

he thinks to tease you of it later but it's then during lunch where he stops himself because before he even so much as reaches the table your group frequents, there you are, showing the little figurine to mark, eyes glistening with pride and joy. "i think i did quite well this time, i even got praised." as haechan comes close, he sees the clay figure in full clarity for what it is, an ambiguous sitting shape with a heart cradled in its lap, lumpy in certain spots but emanating in the care and thoughtfulness with which it was made. 

haechan slides into the seat across from you. "look," you sound softly to him, holding out the little figure in both your hands, "do you like it?" haechan swallows thickly when he looks up from your hands to your eyes, he sees the way they light up, he hopes. wordlessly, he nods, a small smiles tugs at his lips. he likes it, he really does so he questions, "what inspired you to make it?" it's in the way that you immediately eye mark, and the way that mark immediately hides his oncoming giggle, that haechan relinquishes his hopes.

mark walks you to class after your lunch break that day, he's a grade higher but a thousand times dumber, you think. "are you insane? why would you laugh at that specific moment?" in between small giggles, mark does his best to provide a reply, "you should've just told him that he was the one that inspired you." smacking his elbow, you purse your lips, "but then he'd know!"

the older boy stops walking for a second and you're five steps ahead when you notice. you turn. "what now, mark?" he holds a mischievous glint in his eyes, "he'd know what?" now his eyebrows are making little squiggly lines by his hairline and you take a few steps back to drag him by the arm. flushing, you whisper, figuring he already knew as much, "he'd know i like him."

if mark is considered your best friend and potential crush, then what about him? possibly also a best friend, though he could only hope you would talk to him a bit more, spend a bit more time with him, make more conversation with him during breaks. potential crush was for sure out of the picture right? the way you look at mark, the way you share you everything with mark, objects and secrets and everything in between, haechan isn't sure he can say the same for himself. he texts mark anyways. tell y/n ur busy, something bout soccer.

haechan's out the door a minute and a half before the bell rings, his teacher yelling at him to come back. he doesn't give a shit. mark always walks you home, he always does and haechan is so fucking fed up with it because he himself lives closer to you so why should he get to walk you home. 

he arrives at the door to your last class just as the bell signals the end of the school day. there's only enough time for three deep breaths, panting breaths, before the door to your classroom is propped open and students begin filing out. 

"y/n, over here!" he calls. your eyes widen at the sound of his voice and you turn to it, a smile already lifting the corners of your mouth. you're walking side by side with him, and haechan starts leading in the direction of your locker, despite needing to go to his own. "i can walk you home today." you turn your head to him, "what do you mean? i usually walk with-"

"mark, i know," he says it with a disclosed derision, "he's busy, had to go talk to coach or something, i don't know. but i can walk you, plus my house is just two streets down, remember?" he watches in anticipation as you retrieve your phone from your bag. his eyes do their best to peer over and he sees your lockscreen light with a notification from mark. "oh, yeah he said he's busy with soccer stuff." haechan's lip quirk in victory, his plan unfolding itself into perfection. 

"can we go to my locker first though? i need to get some stuff, and we're on the way." he nods as if it wasn't in his intention to head in this direction and for that reason. he merely disregards the need to go to his locker. who cares if he has to bring a whole ass chemistry textbook home if he gets to go home with you. 

it isn't until he's at your front steps that he musters up the courage. you're in the middle of keying in the pin numbers to your door pad when he speaks up, "hey y/n?" you give a hum in response, messing up the last two digits after hearing him voice your name. you abandon your attempts, turning to look at the questioning boy. "would you like to come watch my match next week?"

you take a step down so that you're two above from where he's standing, now the same height as him. frowning, "of course. i'm going to see you and mar-"

it seems that haechan really doesn't want to hear that name come from your mouth today because he interrupts you yet again, "yeah, but i'm asking if you'd want to come to watch me." your lips part and shut in search of what to say. haechan nudges a little further, "i want you to come watch me play, would you want to?"

you release a breath, biting down a smile, you manage a nod within all your flusteredness. your voice, a bare peep, "i want to," gives haechan all the courage he needs to grab one of your hands to give it a little squeeze before muttering a, "see you," and taking his leave. haechan's turning the corner out of your driveway when he sneaks a glance before the fence blocks his view of you. his heart hurls at the sight of you, still on your front steps, face buried in your hands. even from all the way here, the bright red flush of your cheeks can be seen through your fingers. 

no one knows why that one boy on the field is scoring goals left and right. no one knows except you and him. from the moment haechan saw you on the bleachers, the other team was done for. it isn't even about impressing you anymore, it's not about making you proud. it's not a crush, it's these stupid feelings that never go away, never fade with time, or any amount of effort, at least, not in the knowledge that you are equally his as he is yours. it's not a crush, it's the sickening feeling in his gut when he sees you with someone other than himself, with mark, when he sees that sweater on mark instead of himself. it's not a crush, it's the way he feels the need to be with you all the damn time, the lingering feelings from whenever you leave his side that tell him that moments spent without you would be so much better if you were just there. haechan moves on the field with full conviction that it's not just a crush, it's love.

and so as the last whistle of the game blows, their team securing the win with haechan's last goal, he runs, no sprints, straight off the field to where you're seated in the stands. he brushes past all the people with hushed apologies and it's only when he's right in front of you does he realize how frenzied he likely seemed. he doesn't mind for more than a second though, because you've stood up and laced your arms around his shoulders, fingers on the back of his neck. he embraces you back and the kiss he gives to your cheek is something that just feels so natural and close to home. his forehead is on yours when he asks, his voice a bare minimum, "y/n, will you be my girlfriend?"

it isn't you that answers, rather it's a mark lee with a loud, "FUCK YEAH." 

copyright © 2020 rouiyan all rights reserved.

✧ end note — hey anon babe who requested this. apologies for making it fem. reader, i know you didn't specify. if you would like me to reupload with gender neutral reader, then send an ask and i'll be more than happy to. ♡

#nct #nct haechan #nct haechan fics #nct scenarios #nct fics #haechan x reader #haechanxreader #haechan x y/n #haechan fluff #haechan angst #haechan imagine #haechan fic #requested #rouiyan fics #rouiyan writes

[yanderecandystore]

The bullies with an S/O that’s just completely off the board? Like no matter how much they look the bullies can’t find /anything/ on them, all their school papers are forged and their home just isn’t able to be found no matter how hard they look? Maybe due to the S/O changing their identity after doing something bad?

That's hella specific and I love it?? XD

Sure thing boo, let me see what I can do.

Also, I'll change the ocs profiles to be paper drawings with digital coloring because believe me boo, I'm tired of redrawing them (and I believe y'all are tired of always seeing these new drawings).

I noticed that my paper art is a lot better than my digital art, and although I'm kinda proud of them I still feel a little petty because I wish to do cool stuff on the computer ;-;.

Anyway, just a heads-up if you see something off with the oc's bios.

TW/Tags: I have no idea what to tag this lmao // identity theft // illegal/unauthorized inscription // not an accurate representation of university/how universities work lol // abusive household/abusive parents // I may or may not have changed your concept a little, I'm sorry for it 😔

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

Suspicion (fuck yeah, I don't know what to title this) [Yandere!Bully OC x Reader - Headcanon]:

→Adrien Coldwell:

For a person that prides themselves as the "know it all" when it comes to people's social media and reputation, he doesn't know anything about you.

This is a first for him, which is both annoying and honestly so intriguing. You didn't strike him as a person who would hide any secrets, and he had a hunch this was about to be good.

He searched for social media first, not finding anything about Avery Remington. Well, at least nothing with your face on it.

However, he did find something very, very interesting while looking at the school's documents, specifically the archives of all the students that have already studied here. He honestly didn't think he would find anything about you in these old papers, he was probably doing all this stupid work for nothing.

However, he was half right and half wrong. He didn't find anything about you, but this whole search wasn't completely lost, as he did find "you", Avery.

"- Student name Avery Remington, average grades and apparently no history of wrong doings or any bad behavior in general. Their registration to the Academy dates to 1980."

Oh. Ooooh, this was rich.

"- Huh." He said closing the documents and letting it where he found it. He was at least kind enough to let the palace a little organize after going through each paper trying to find your name.

Well, "your name". The only things that he kept for himself was photos of both the old documents about Avery Remington, and the earlier documents about Avery Remington. It was clear that you did something probably really, really bad, and you know he'll take advantage of it.

He had built his own theory about this, as in: you somehow found the paperwork of Avery's registration and their previous school's records so you could somehow impersonate them and get a free entrance to this institution.

He knew that you had something to hide, no one can be so perfect. But knowing the action itself wasn't enough for him, he needed to know the motive behind it.

For someone that is lazy and doesn't bother to care about important things, he sure spent a lot of time trying to scoop some dirt on you. When he finds the perfect opportunity, without any witness around, he'll take the chance to use this information against you.

"- Well, hello "Avery"." His tone was already suspicious, his voice not hiding anything from you. He came here to belittle you for his own entertainment.

"- H-Hi Adrien." You said shyly, hoping that your anxious mind was wrong and that this was all just a misunderstanding. You were hoping that the growing feeling of him possibly knowing about your fraud, was wrong.

"- Ya know, I'm kinda jealous of whatever plastic surgery you went through to look so young, maybe you should ask the faculty to correct your age tho." He said while showing the pictures he took of the documents.

"- Wait! I-I can-"

"- Honestly, I didn't think you were over 60 years old! Could have fooled me." His smug face was the selling point. You knew that you wouldn't find any form to convince him that what was on his phone was false.

He had a victorious smile on his face. Ever since you entered this school you always acted a little too paranoid and almost too friendly for his liking, and to confess to himself that he has fallen for you would be the bottom of the pit to him.

Still, he wanted to know why you did it. Why didn't you pay to get in if you wanted the scholarship so badly? What, you were too poor for it?

And what about a talent, or the test? Obviously, the university hasn't gone out of their way to pick a loser like you and insert you inside their classes on a whim, as they thought you were Avery Remington, a student that is already registered in school's documents (yet, of course, their system haven't verified the date of the registration, either by incompetence or by a "small mistake"). So you didn't do the test too, simply pathetic honestly.

Your sad dramatic story explaining how you managed to get into the academy. You did your best to get into the academy by legal means, but they always rejected you. Apparently you thought it would be a good idea to use your grandparent's documents to squeeze yourself into the institution.

"- But why in hell would you do such a thing? Are you that pathetic dearest?"

"- I… I wanted somewhere to go. Somewhere I could grow into a better person, a-away from-" You cut yourself short when the memories of your old home started to come into view.

For some reason, your parents couldn't stand the idea of you getting into a decent university, if anything, they thought you weren't capable of even washing some dishes at the local pizzeria. In their eyes, you were worthless.

When you found out your grandparent used to frequent this institution, and that they managed to disattached themselves from their familial routes and thrive as a musician you got instantly inspired! Determined to follow their steps and prove your family that you're just as worth ass-

"- Urghhhh- Boring! I don't care about all of that. Are you serious? You committed a crime just so you could stick it up to your shitty parents?"

"- …. Yes?"

"- Huh. Geez you're cooler than I thought. Listen, how about we make a deal?"

The deal was simple, he would not tell anyone about your little secret, and he would even help you keep your scholarship and help you reach your ambitions as long as you started spending more time with him. Which, at first you thought it sounded absurd, this man is holding your whole life by a thin thread as long as you give him attention?? What?!

And although that sounded extremely suspicious, you accepted it, not knowing that for the next few years you would have to endure a harsh training to discover your talents and to improve them before you two graduated. However, you started to think Adrien was starting to see your deal in a different light-

"- Come on now, after this we can go eat something okay? Where would you like to go this time? Our last date I chose the best restaurant I know, so you better choose something of equal value."

…. Date?

→Alexandra Coldwell:

You were suspicious from the very start. Overly friendly and too- Ugh! Too cute?!

You were always skittish whenever someone called you. What, you had a problem with your name or something?

And the worst part was how no one seemed to know where you lived. Every group project with you was considered annoying by most of your classmates, as you never called people in your house or never let anyone have your address, not even your phone number??

You didn't have any social media, what are you, a weirdo? What the hell??!

She is not even pissed about you being a loser, she is pissed that she has fallen for someone like you! A complete weirdo that was always panicking over nothing.

She started stalking you with the intention of finding at least one thing that she could hate on you so she wouldn't feel so- Lovey dovey towards you!

But what she really found was something worth an entire gold mine.

A private phone call between you and someone who was losing their shit. She couldn't understand too much of the conversation as she didn't have any context, yet she could hear a lot of things that you and the person were discussing.

The person yelled [Y/N] multiple times while in the phone call, saying how you were absolutely the worst mistake of their lives (which by the way, rude much? Who is this asshole?), that you were a selfish brat that needed to learn to appreciate their hard work.

Oh… Oh. She now knows who you're talking with. She decided to record the entire thing the moment she saw you taking your cellphone to have a private call.

She was planning on recording your voice for her own hearing pleasure, but this? This was so… Interesting.

"- [Y/N]?" She called your attention after the conversation ended, and because you haven't been accustomed to people calling you "Avery", you turned around saying "what" instinctively.

And when you noticed Alexandra smirk for a split second, you regretted answering your parents call. Not that you needed anymore reason to regret it, but this was certainly the last nail in the coffin.

You begged for her to understand that you couldn't go back, you simply can't go back to them, ever again! You told her the whole sob story about how your grandparent had decided to run away from home and fulfil their own dreams as a musician, even if people didn't really hear their music all that much, and now that you think about it, that's probably the reason why no one have recognized their name at all.

Your grandparent had a really small fanbase, and you knew that because you were part of them. They weren't popular at all compared to Amaryllis Academy standards, yet they were happy singing their songs to the world.

You kinda wish your family hasn't broken the old recorder that belonged to your grandparent. Their first album was in there, it was cheesy and filled with errors, yet they sounded so happy when doing what they loved, and you wanted something like that for yourself!

You needed to live that hell hole and so you did. You rented a small apartment that was falling apart, the reason why you never gave people your address was because you knew they would bully the hell out of you because of how poor you are.

After finishing your story you noticed Alexandra snoring beside you. You thought she was only exaggerating, but then you saw her drooling and acting really dizzy after you woke her up.

"- Oh my God, so… That was it? You ran away to follow your dreams and stuff?" She asked, still kinda sleepy.

"- What? Of course it was-" You were fuming with anger, how dare she-

"- And I thought you only looked cool because I liked you! You're pretty strong for sticking up for yourself." She interrupted you, looking at you with admiration in her eyes.

She proposed to you a deal. How about you two keep this secret together, and, if anything does happen she'll still help you stay inside the institution. However, you'll need to work your ass out to become the best you can be, and you'll let her guide you through, because you're too much of a dummy to do it all by yourself. You'll have to spend time with her and let her help you out.

At first, you thought it sounded absurd, this woman is holding your whole life by a thin thread as long as you give her attention?? What?!

And although that sounded extremely suspicious, you accepted it, not knowing that for the next few years you would have to endure a harsh training to discover your talents and to improve them before you two graduated. However, you started to think Alexandra was starting to see your deal in a different light-

"- Why you never hold my hand? Come on, "Avery", won't you hold the hand of your dearest girlfriend?" She asked playfully while taking your hand anyway.

…. Girlfriend?

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

#sheep stuff #yandere oc #sheep's stuff #yandere x reader #yandere bully #yandere twins #yandere oc headcanons #yandere oc x reader #yandere bully x reader #yandere bullying #yandere headcanon #special delivery headcanons #special delivery request #yandere

[whatisthisnonsense]

Continuing where we left off here, so we’re not cluttering Sarah’s pretty art (bless u @yunisverse ), did you know canonically Digimon are emotion eaters? “But Lea!”, you say. “That was in SAVERS, not Adventure!” Wasn’t it though? 

Think about it-- while they’re not necessarily feeding off it in the sense of sustenance, the digimon in Adventure all digivolve during a big influx of some form of emotion by their chosen child, usually related to the crest but not always (pants-shitting terror at Kuwagamon, for example). Normal, natural digivolution is usually a very long process of gathering energy and strength, with higher levels often taking decades if not hundreds or thousands of years (unless you suck, in which case you’re turning into a Numemon. Yes, that’s also canon.), so obviously the digimon MUST be feeding on something for those short bursts of energy, and since having the digimon feast upon their attached digidestined’s soul or lifespan is what we call bad, the natural source must be emotion. Following that thread, we see other digidestined in 02 (which I’m not going to go into for most of the lore it introduced because it is One Whole Yike, but Adventure itself introduced the concept that all you had to do to be a valid partner candidate is see a digimon and therefore this is valid) who ostensibly have the same bond as our actual Destiny’s Children without the Destiny bit, and we actively see Willis/Wallace/That Kid With The Two Bunny Digimon have his digimon digivolve. While Lopmon/Kokomon was out of his control for the most part and could arguably have been severed from the connection, Terriermon clearly wasn’t and also usually responded to emotion. As such, we can assume that this is a trait of all partner digivolutions. Why, then, are the Crests needed? Well, we find out they’re a bit of a magic feather, however they all still involve an emotion or state of being which the child exemplifies (besides Light, though that could be as in “the light in your heart that never goes out” IE Determination and Light just happened to sound more mystic and was also literally its attribute anyway, like how Honesty/Responsibility is Water and Sincerity/Purity is Plants) (Knowledge also isn’t a state of being or emotion, but the way they use the word I’m reasonably certain what they actually mean is WISDOM, which means Izzy in a state of being wise is what triggers it, not just him being a nerd). I would like to suggest, thusly, that the Crests show the emotion or mental state the digidestined represented by it has in abundance and thus what their digimon use to rocket up the digivolution ladder in ways faster and stronger than even normal human/digimon partnerships. The Crest associated with our hypothetical ninth duo? Kindness. Now, stay with me here. Allow my work-weary, sleep-deprived ass to switch from essay to narrative for a moment. Consider, if you will; Wizardmon has always been alone. Since he’s a chosen partner, Gennai dropped him when he was hit much like Gatomon, but velocity and angle meant he still hatched far away from her. He turned to magic for answers as to why he was left all alone when most are born and cared for in Primary Village, and he got good of it-- amazingly good, astoundingly good, impossibly wonderously G O O D  at magic-- but he never found his answers. Eventually, he gives up, assuming he was simply not worth the effort. That perhaps, his presence was a mistake. He wanders, looking for obscure magic but no longer having any purpose to it, aching for something he doesn’t understand nor believes exist. He says he passed through unremarked, but in many places you’ll hear tell of a quiet, soft-spoken digimon who repaired something with the snap of his fingers. Sometimes a wall, sometimes reviving a well, sometimes even bringing another digimon back from a hideous illness. But he was always gone the next day. If anyone could ask him, he’d shrug it off; it wasn’t something special, he thought. It just seemed cruel to leave things as they were, and while he’s many unpleasant things, he’d like to think he’s not cruel. (He is kind, he is so kind, but he can’t fathom it without anyone else around him, and no one nor place can hold him against that unknown longing in his programming, so it passes by him without note.) Of course, between his idle wandering and his constantly giving and giving and giving of his magical energy without much time to recover, he eventually pushes himself past exhaustion and falls out of the sky on one otherwise unremarkable day.  Those of you who’ve watched Adventure, of course, should recognize this as the event that caused him to meet Gatomon, and remember how absolutely baffled he was by her kindness-- he was already spreading himself thin, but he never had it returned to him mostly because he never stayed anywhere long enough for it-- and how fast he was to pledge undying loyalty for said shred of kindness. And this is true still, for he is still almost desperately loyal to her, but there is something else. Even when she truly forgets everything for the monster (ha) Myotismon turned her into, he can still see that longing for something she doesn’t know or understand in her eyes, and something in his chest tightens a little. It’s kinship, but he doesn’t recognize it-- he doesn’t have time, given how fast he parses the legends and figures out what she must be, as when he does that he out of hand assumes he could never be associated. Even so, they lessen eachother’s loneliness, and for a while that’s enough. Wizardmon does his best to play dumb, glide beneath the safety of contempt, and manages some tiny victories against the Dark Army’s, as after all he is never on Myotismon’s side. Some in-training digimon slipping out of the dungeon here, some misinformation there. In the end, however, he is mostly trying to give Gatomon the shot at a better life he is so certain she deserves, so every so often he has to get his hands dirty. It’s okay, though, really. It doesn’t matter what becomes of him, as long as she gets out. (Even so, when he’s forced to play evil minion to the hilt he tries his best to simply confuse or trick his target so he can leave them alive and unharmed, and if he can’t he does his damndest to make it quick. To do otherwise seems cruel, and he would still like to think he isn’t that at least.) As we all know, eventually seven dumbass kids with seven dumbass digimon who happen to also be the Digidestined turn up and Myotismon sets his plan in motion. Most of his minions just terrorize the town, but as ever Wizardmon is sneaky. He keeps his head down, and blends in, drawing children in and keeping an eye on Gatomon to see where and who she is most drawn to. He is being rather underhanded, he thinks, even though getting this gaggle of human children to watch in wonder and laugh isn’t actually necessary for his guise. He refuses to do otherwise, though. It doesn’t seem right. Naturally, Gatomon narrows what child is hers down without even realizing, but his own “patrol” draws in her and there is an almost uncomfortable snap in him as for a moment that ache, that eternal lonliness, is gone and-- no no, she just caught him flatfooted. He’s distracted and wasn’t expecting a compliment, particularly not one from someone clearly much older than the younglings he’s entertaining manipulating. The Tokyo arc is the same, but extended-- more red herrings and more time to convince Gatomon to remember that she is better than Myotismon’s lapcat, as well as scenes with Wizardmon and Minnie showing them drawing closer, albeit with Wizardmon’s denial or deflection on the subject pretty much even through his almost-death. Ah, yes. You didn’t think we kept most of that scene, did you? Of course Wizardmon gives his life for Gatomon-- by this point, it’s all he has left to give. It’s all he’s ever had to give, really. But remember how his body is still present in the show after his suppossed death? Well, that’s because he’s not quite dead yet; merely passed out. Minnie pulls him away and gets him to a relatively safe part of the building before he comes to again. He is defintely in the PROCESS of dying, though, but they refuse to let the kids know. It would be kinder for the kids not to see, at least for the moment, and thus the duo both lie through their teeth. And yet, when the kids leave to talk about what lies ahead next, Minnie turns and does her best to stop the digital hole in his chest from bleeding. He’s going to be fine, she tells him. It’s another lie, he thinks, but ah. “You’re...too kind...” There’s a faint glow from her pocket and for a moment his world is white and then he’s much more alive and terribly small. I’m gonna glaze over the rest of the Tokyo arc because we really need to get to the point in this fucking novel but I really need you to imagine a distressed Mokumon trying to wriggle out of Minnie’s arms as she tries to get him to fucking REST and then later him as a Candlemon accidentally setting the blankets he was tucked into on fire. Got that in your head? Good! Now let’s just--

There we go, see you in 02 asshole, moving on to the Dark Masters Ahem, anyway, as the group journeys through the reconfigured Digital World to forcibly scrub the influence of the Dark Masters away, Wizardmon slowly becomes a bit less aloof and a bit more on the awkward side. He’s gotten what he wanted-- Gatomon’s happy-- and he has a purpose, but that purpose doesn’t seem like something he should have, nor this group somewhere he should be. Nevermind he doesn’t really know how to handle a group out of his aloofness or various deceptions. And yet, ever so slowly, he begins to warm, and soften. Until that day in the desert. Minnie catches a lone and frightened younger digimon in the corner of her eye and diverts immediately to help it. The children and their partners are on board, of course, but before anyone can move, a Scorpiomon pops up and starts heading right for the young lady. The children shout, but Wizardmon can’t make out the words-- he’s already moving as fast as he can, even as he watches Minnie quickly turn to the younger digimon she found and hide them under a crevice, smiling before she moves away where it can’t see whatever happens. Even as she turns, pale and trying not to look frightened and moving AWAY from the kids a little so as to keep the arachnoid’s attention. Even as one of its legs connects with her cheek and knocks her away. That gentleness she was showing and his outrage and need to protect merges and twists and surges in a fountain of warmth in his chest, and he skids to a stop in front of her. Digivolving feels more like a soft blanket of darkness than anything resembling a change-- he barely even notices his limbs stretching or his clothing shift until it’s over and he’s...he’s... Myotismon. Minnie has the Crest of Kindness and he has turned into what is, objectively, the cruelest digimon to ever exist. Being Adventure the priority is Jokes, thus the immediate asking to tag out, but after this he is even more aloof than he was before, and not looking anyone in the eye. He is crushed, and once again come to the answer he always has for why he is why he is-- if he was ever meant to be here, then something must be wrong with him, and more likely he was never meant to be here at all. How interesting, do you think, it would be that it is not the Digidestined who has the huge, dramatic issue to confront, but the digimon? TL;DR, Don’t Blame You, essentially the jumping point for this whole narrative is, in a subversion to the usual “kid has to accept thing about self to slowly begin to heal from trauma and unlock potential”, essentially WIZARDMON is the one who has to learn here; the two-fold moral that he is allowed to ACCEPT Kindness and not just constantly give, and that the fact he is dark and spooky-- the fact his ultimate is the same as the mon who hurt him and the others-- does not make him less good or kind. And it only took about five novels to get here, amazing. If only I had this much energy for my actual writing.

#Digimon #Wizardmon #Myotismon #Gatomon #Digimon Meta #Boy this is sure a lot of bullshitting for an AU

[taleofomni]

A DADIU Post Mortem

Earlier this year I wrote about some big changes that had entered our project and lives. One of these changes were that both the Artist, the Oracle and I, the Architect, are attending DADIU (The National Academy of Digital Interactive Entertainment) this semester. While we are not fully finished yet (there is still one week left of productions at the time of writing this), I believe it is time for me to reflect on it all in relation to Tale of Omni.

QA & UR Manager

As I mentioned in the previous post of changes, my role on DADIU is Quality Assurance & User Research Manager (QA & UR Manager). As I have written before in personal ramblings on the matter, I were skeptical of entering this role in the very beginning, however, I have been learning a lot, and I am thankful, I got the opportunity. In the following I want to go through the main lessons, I have learned.

As a QA I have learned, that something does not have to be done to be tested. Or, well, I knew that already (I often prototype things), but I have really gotten the lesson under my skin now. By not being the one actually developing the games I have been able to see the value of testing things from a whole other perspective. I am a changed man. This has lead me to begin uploading weekly builds to the team, so that they can follow progress, and so that the Oracle can QA the shit out of the project as we go.

Closely tied to this lesson I have also learned, the importance of documentation. Yes, I touched upon this last time, I wrote, but it sticks deeper than the things, I wrote about then: I have now experienced first hand how troublesome it is to judge, whether things are like they should be, while not being close to the code. I have always been the programmer and designer, and I have always known my projects by heart, but for everyone else, it is much harder to know what happens. We already do meetings on the team, and as I explained in the post about documentation, I am also working iteratively on a game design document now - but I have also begun writing release notes for each build. This allows my fellow team members to know every small change happening to this part of the project, and it allows me to track what work, I have been doing, and what needs fixing.

When it comes to user research, my whole world view has been changed. As a Digital Design student at Aarhus University, I have been taught a whole lot about "the good design process": How to plan and execute workshops, iterations, mock-ups, prototyping, etc.. These has been good lessons, but "the good design process" as I knew it is utter utopia. Nobody have time to do prober cycles of iterations and develop ideas with user input in every single step. It simply takes too long. As UR I have learned, that the real challenge of user research is, to extract as much value from very little. ​ This does not mean the users should not be heard, but simply that you shall pick your battles, and not suggest a full blown workshop in each and every step of the process. Sometimes it gives more value to the team not to ask the users, sometimes guerilla-testing on the street is enough. You just need an approximation of the users' needs - even the best of workshops would not give you the full picture anyways.

Following a Production

I did not only learn things as a QA and UR Manager. I knew from the beginning of the semester, that I would get most out of DADIU, if I were to learn from multiple other roles as well. So I tried to continuously look at the mistakes and victories of my team mates.

Learning from the programmers, I have further divided my code into individual systems, so that one system may be fully revamped without having to edit the whole code base. One of the recent changes, this has lead to, is a full-screen shader manager to keep track of various effects (bloom, day/night, saturation, etc.).

From seeing the Game Director and Project Manager do their work, I have also learned a lot. I have seen how important it is to be able to delegate work to my team mates, but also how important it is to always stay in the loop. It is okay that I have vision, but it should never be reason to push aside my team's needs. A team works better when the outcome is in line with hopes of the individuals. On the other hand I should not be afraid to demand things from my team. Sometimes you have to be less soft. But for God's sake, do not confuse that with being unfair.

Watching the Game Designer taught me a lot about the importance of being precise. Illustrate what you mean and try to think every little detail into it. But also ask for feedback and improve. Knowing, that what you make is not perfect, and letting the team know that you know this, is valuable.

I have also had the honor to work with some very talented artists, both in terms of visuals and audio. From the visual artists it became even more clear to me, how important it is to work out a direction for the art (and I saw how well such things could be made). I also learned that each piece of concept art should be made with purpose. From the Audio Designer I learned that maybe it is time to add some audio to Tale of Omni again. Because it does not have to be finished. It may even be crude. But it gives much more sense of the direction to iterate on the music and sound effects from early on.

To Conclude / tl;dr

Being part of DADIU has been a rich experience. I have learned a lot, grown, met great people, and had great fun. In about a week we are done, and the whole team (almost) will once more be in Aarhus, ready to continue work on Tale of Omni. It is going to be great, and it is something, which I look very much forward to. Have a good one.

Sincerely The Architect

#DADIU #quality assurance #user research #learning #Tale of Omni

[pixelatedlenses]

Thanksgiving Thoughts

This year has been a year of extreme growth.

More than any other time in my life, I feel that I’m fully myself. I’ve gotten even more comfortable with going out alone, and regularly take myself on dates to enjoy me. I love enjoying myself, love taking care of me, and each day, I get a little bit better at it. I’m still a work in progress, but we all are: I think it’d be silly to expect one year of radical change to cement my future for a few years.

 So today, while Thanksgiving has passed in Japan but is still alive and well in the States, let me share four things I’m thankful for with you, and what they’ve done for me. It’s a long read, but something I want to share. Check below the cut for that good, good insight.

 1. Growth   I am thankful for changing myself and for growing. For becoming who I want to be regardless of what others think.  

As I said above, it has been an extreme year of growth. When I came to Japan, I was still stuck in a dream of not belonging. I regularly questioned if I should be here, and when shit hit the fan regularly, thought that I definitely should go home asap. I called my mom crying a lot in those first two months because it was just really, really hard.

It is so hard to return to a feeling of childhood: to need hands to hold, to be illiterate, to be unable to do. It felt like I was being reduced, if that makes sense. I felt so limited, both physically and emotionally: my ability to travel was contingent on timetables. While I had a more stable salary, I felt the sting of bills and remembering due dates and balancing a budget. Now, of course, I’m well accustomed and rather like my nice, neat Excel budget sheets. But last year, all of that felt like a lot of Adulting that hit all at once.

I’m certainly not literate in Japan yet, but I inch closer each day. Certainly I’m still learning how to adult too. Yet each day, life settles and I learn how to handle things better. 

As my base school’s art teacher says: “One day, one thing, one step.”

Wise words from an Art Teacher, y’all, and essential for making a good life anywhere.

 2. My family, blood and chosen

I am thankful for the people in my life, and for the love I feel while living abroad.

There’s something to be said about distance, both good and bad. The good: I connect more meaningfully and try to be better at responding to messages and being mindful of my own time. When I give, it feels good, and when I receive, it feels good in return.

 The bad: it sucks. 

Sometimes.

The time difference. The pure distance. The scheduling. Missing out on things. Excluding others from my life by accident. Not being there when I’m needed.

It can cause a fair bit of grief at times. But even in that sometimes suck, there’s a light: there’s the joy of someone who is happy to hear from me, the comfort of knowing that others are proud of me, the bliss of receiving a message on LINE or a card in the mail. Little by little it’s the little things that show me flashes of love that I have come to treasure.

It’s also knowing that I’m still necessary too.

When I left, I really struggled with feeling like everyone would move away without me. Japan still felt like I’d be in a bubble in time, a rift where I’d exist for 3-5 years, return home, and feel incredibly different because my friends would all be grown up.

The reality, of course, is that I made a choice to grow just like they do, did, and will do. That’s just life.

I don’t regret being far away from my loved ones. I don’t regret making an incredible choice for myself, and I think to think that they’ll forget me forgoes the huge amount of love I am surrounded with. Instead of thinking of what if’s, I am actively trying to live in that love and let it grow in me so that wherever I go next, I can return it tenfold and give to others.

Most of all, I want to say that I’m thankful for my mother. She is someone who pushed me to come here, and while she’s incredibly human and at times, has made me angry even in Japan, I think that at 25, I respect her and see her as a hero for very different reasons.

She’s human, and I can see that. I see that her “super-heroine strength” is not a product of wanting to be that way, but of saying, “Hell no, I’m not going to give up on life even when I really want to because I want to live and see something better because I know there’s something better.” That kind of radical kindness in the face of a lot of ugliness in her life -I’ll probably never know more than a small percent of her past, and honestly... I think that’s better for me- is really... powerful. Perhaps because I witness her continuously giving the middle finger to life, I feel similar feelings in how I deal with continuously fighting for my happiness.

She’s not perfect and I can say, with all the respect in the world, wasn’t a perfect parent, but she did in the face of despair, and as an adult, I really am thankful for her taking the brunt of life to give me a chance at hope and the chance to pass on kindness. She gave a lot for me to be able to do that. I honestly am not sure I have that in me.

I’ll never ask for perfection from anyone but myself -and even that’s fading because it’s just exhausting- but I’ll tell y’all I have a really good mother. I just hope that the kindness she poured into the world and others is given back. Certainly, as I learn how to monitor and tame how much of myself is given and taken, I’m learning not to pour or be an oasis for everyone. I want to preserve myself because I witnessed her give a lot. I think she would tell me the same: keep myself to me and give when I can, but don’t exhaust myself.

Gosh, I feel so loved right now.

Thanks fam, digital and IRL, for grounding me in that.

3. My body   I am thankful for being able to become healthier and for finding the ability to have self-love every day. I am thankful for the compliments I give my big, jiggling stomach, for the lotions and soaps I buy for my skin, and for the ability to buy clothes that make me feel even more beautiful, voluptuous, and handsome than I already believe I am.

 Weight loss aside, I have really come to love my body again. Yes, losing nearly 45 pounds certainly helped, but only because it got rid of the physical stress I had been carrying. It made me feel so bad, made living incredibly hard, and at my worst, made my body ache even when I sat. Shedding that weight was really healthy for me, and has made me feel so, so much better.

My wardrobe has increased a lot because I’ve started taking care and caring for how I look. I regularly dip into scales, buying pants that flatter my strong thighs, shirts that actually fit, and things to affirm my gender and identity. It feels good too: I come to love myself more and more each day.

I also have felt more Black being in Japan, which definitely has its ups and downs. Somedays, it’s Black in the sense of Other, but most days, it’s Black in the sense of Magical, Beautiful, Wonderous, and Free. A part of me worries how to carry this back to the States: a part of me knows, though, that I can and will maintain that pride in my sense of self.

Truly, that’s a gift.

 4. My partner, Noel   I am thankful for the love of a friend and for the love of a girlfriend. I am thankful for the value of platonic love and the value of romantic love. I am thankful for her smile, for her kindness, and for her desire to see me achieve my goals alongside her. I am thankful that our victories are celebrated by each other, and not a competition at any level of our relationship.

 Noel is a bit of a… wild card. Was, really: had I have known years ago that she was in love with me, life would have been different. In the now, it’s hard not to have the tiniest bit of regret over past relationships. I wish I would have dated her then because I think it would have been nice.

Maybe.

Honestly, not dating one of my closest friends has regret now, but a few years ago, I would have broken us up from anxiety and worry. I wouldn’t have been a good partner: I just wasn’t at that place for myself. I would have made friendship very hard because of a lot of inner turmoil, severe depression, and general spitefulness. I wasn’t in a good place two years back: I was a good person, trying to be a good person, but not a good person inside. My mental health was poor during grad school, and stress hard worn me into a hole of overeating fast food, crying often, and being a partial shut-in.

Not good at all, y’all.

I’m still dealing with a lot of stuff: I still stress to extremes, have trouble monitoring proper reactions emotionally, and dissociate from my problems at poor times. I’m also a really kind person, actively try to give hope and love, and think I am worth love, whether or not my self-love is always actualized. Yet in that, I’m dealing: I’m striving for myself and also, because there’s someone I love and that I want to kiss with the knowledge that that love is mutual. 

(Screw the notion that you must love yourself first. Sometimes, people in our lives give the love we need to start that process. Take care of you first, but let yourself receive and accept love. It’s great on any level.)

Noel loves me. She loves me. She loves my curly, natural hair. She loves my bigger body. She loves me eyes and my nose, loves the way I think, loves my writing and drawing, and love that I am me. That’s been the constant in our relationship: seven years of friendship that has been built on trying. It helps that she’s seen my ugly sides: seen me snap from stress, seen me on the ground when my father passed -bless his soul- seen me unshowered for weeks, seen me with a broken leg and many broken hearts.

That someone can accept a lot of my ugly and still tell me I’m beautiful and loved perhaps shouldn’t feel so shocking, but for me, it feels like the moment clouds pull away and my face is struck by the sun.

It’s hard to wrap her up in a few words, but I’ll say this: Noel is one of the most brilliant people I have ever fell in love with. She matches my wit, doesn’t let me half-ass things, and pushes me in the right places with my express permission. She listens to me and doesn’t mind me venting, is my shoulder when mine are laden with too much, finds me genuinely funny with my supply of puns, dad jokes, and historic fun facts, and has never made me feel like I’m a burden.

Certainly, Noel is a stunner: she has lips that looks so soft, a nose that I absolutely want to nip, eyes that sparkle a certain way when she’s up to trickery or trouble, shoulders that get all freckled up in the summer, front teeth that make my pulse jump, legs from Hokkaido to Kyuushu even though we’re roughly the same height, and hips that look like my arms were made to rest on them while she’s cooking. But Noel’s heart, her mind, her extroverted nature... that’s most what I’m in love with. 

Those are the best things to me.

I’m just thankful that it turns out she liked me exactly the same too!

So here are my gratitudes, my thanks, my blessings. I hope that anyone who reads this is just as blessed too. I hope you all have someones and somethings in your life that make you feel so important and special. We all deserve to feel that regularly in out lives. The world is too hard and mean at times: give love, accept love, and love yourself just for you without giving. Happy Thanksgiving.

#Thanksgiving #thanksgiving 2k17 #gratitudes #giving thanks #thankfulness