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artificialqueens · 6 years

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Twist Of Fate - Ch08 - (Trixya) - katyahzamo

A/N: The time has come, squirrel friends, to finally see a tiny bit of Trixie’s side of the story! There will be one more Trixie POV until the end of the fic, so enjoy it while you can and let me know what you think!

A reminder: Trixie is a hairdresser and Katya is a struggling photographer slash yoga instructor. Lesbian AU. Read the chapters on AO3 and/or come hang out on my tumblr katyahzamo. Comments are welcome and encouraged!

Trixie Mattel used to read a lot of romance novels growing up. Living in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by endless fields that stretched for miles, there weren’t many other things to do during summer months, when school was out and the heat reached its peak, forbidding her to walk through the tall grass hours on end. Instead, she would sit on the small porch, propped up by pillows she’d bring down from her bedroom, and read one shitty romance novel after another, bought in grocery stores for a dollar or two.

It used to be the only thing that transported her somewhere else, away from her alcoholic stepfather and the poverty her family endured for years on end. The romance novels have always been painfully straight and extremely cliché – but Trixie wasn’t complaining. She’d read them, and reread them if she ran out of pocket money to buy new ones, and daydreamed about running away one day to have an adventure of her own. Her favorites were those that included love triangles, a woman stuck between being infatuated with two men, choosing one and leaving the other broken-hearted. She loved them because she thought them to be fiction – no person could love-love two people at the same time, right? It was stupid.

Many years down the line, Trixie Mattel stopped reading romance novels, when empty fields got replaced by Bostonian buildings, streets and little cafés, and she started working and began worrying about real problems, like paying rent, eating regularly and keeping herself hydrated. The romantic part of her never died, however, even though she had issues with keeping herself in relationships for too long. At first it was because the internalized hatred and shame for who she was, endless attempts at dating men that didn’t work out, women who were emotionally unavailable and those who called her emotionally unavailable. Later – it was just a lack of time and energy, and determination to go far in life with her hairdressing career.

When Katya walked into her life in her mid-twenties, Trixie was instantly enamored by her charm, wit, and the perfectly white, broad grin that always seemed genuine and warm. First time she found out Katya loved women, Trixie found herself fantasizing about going to candle-lit dinners with her, kissing in the dark movie theatres and dancing with their fingers intertwined. The fantasies never stopped, even after finding out that Katya was in a serious relationship, despite herself, and always secretly hoped there would come a day when they would break up and Trixie would get that chance. She often indulged these fantasies, especially lying in bed at night and staring at the ceiling, even though she knew it was never going to happen. No one could ever love two people at the same time.

Getting an offer from Berlin had come in the right moment, when her attraction to Katya became almost unbearable, words always at the tip of her tongue and ready to spill over the edge. It was also a sign from the universe that keeping to her career was the best thing she could do for herself at that moment in time. Kim and Bob had practically jumped up and down after hearing about the opportunity Trixie has gotten, and shut down every doubt Trixie had about moving. It was exactly like she’s told Katya all those years ago: there was nothing tying her to Boston, and she was far from home anyway.

The life in Berlin had been easy – and fun, despite her horrible, broken German and shitty sense of direction. The city itself, huge and full of history, made her fall in love at first sight. Not staying in contact with Katya , while something she berated herself over for the first two weeks, became a blessing in disguise since she could finally move on. People, especially at the salon where she worked, made her feel like home and took her out to gay bars every chance they got, happy to have a lesbian American among them. Foreigners are chick magnets, her co-worker would say, you’ll be drowning in German pussy in no time.

It was funny then, or maybe a little ironic, that the first girl she would get a gigantic crush on was an American DJ, and a famous one to boot. They met one cold winter night while Kim was visiting, and told her that the new girl from Honey Salon, Adore, invited them for a party in Berghain, Berlin’s biggest nightclub. When Trixie saw Pearl for the first time, she decided that her type were definitely fit blonde women with pale eyes and a beautiful smile. Talking to Pearl would turn out to be the easiest thing in the world, even in the light of the following day when they went out for coffee. When they kissed in front of Trixie’s apartment later in the evening, Trixie felt butterflies in her stomach for the first time in forever.

It took her a long distance relationship with Pearl, who was almost always on the road, to make Trixie realize that long distance relationships are hard, maintaining solely on FaceTiming, talking over the phone and counting days until the next time they would see each other. Still, Trixie was very proud of herself for having a functional romantic relationship, even long distance, and Pearl always made it easy even though she wasn’t a romantic type. Soon after that Trixie realized that she felt lonely in Berlin, with all of her friends and her girlfriend living one ocean away and the city being now familiar enough, all the thrill of novelty gone. When she found herself crying over her morning cup of coffee in her empty apartment on a Sunday morning, Trixie decided it was time to go back.

There were many things that Trixie expected to stay the same in two years of her absence: that small coffee shop at the end of the street where Honey Salon was, the delicious ribs in a restaurant close to her apartment, Latrice’s beautiful booming laugh and lovely sunsets over Boston’s townhouses. What Trixie didn’t expect to stay was that dumb smile of Katya Zamolodchikova that walked into the salon on the first day she came to visit her friends and beg Latrice to let her work at least part-time.

Talking to Katya felt… the same and different at once. The two of them were still the same people with the same sense of humor and mutual understanding no one but them shared; but now with different circumstances. Trixie soon found out that the absence makes the heart go fonder was unfortunately horribly accurate, even though she now had no reason to fantasize, even after finding out that Sharon was out of the picture. Pearl was in the picture now, and Trixie was in love, and loving two people at the same time was impossible. Right?

When Trixie wrote I Know You All Over Again during the worst week of her life, saying goodbye to her favorite aunt and crying in Bob’s arms for hours. When she wasn’t crying, her old guitar was in her hands, Bob by her side, picking at the guitar strings until something that made sense finally came out. Trixie was certain that it was about no one in particular, and just a little bit about Pearl. That was at least what she told herself for the entire week leading up to Adore’s and Bianca’s party. She knew she’d made a mistake telling Adore that she wrote a new song the moment Adore brought it up in front of everyone, but decided to perform it anyway. Only after she’s seen Katya sitting across from her, another girl’s hand in her lap, and that dumb grin on her face, did Trixie realize there was no point in pretending anymore. Loving two people at the same time was impossible, but over the past three weeks it’s not been Pearl that she’s been thinking about all the time, not Pearl she wished was with her back in Wisconsin, not Pearl she wanted to show off to her homophobic family. She loved Pearl, yes, but not like she loved Katya.

That is why she’s on the balcony now, getting fresh air away from the loud music and the laughter of her friends, feeling like she’s betrayed absolutely every single person that cared about her. When she hears a voice behind her, Trixie is quick to wipe her tearful eyes and laugh bleakly at the choice of words that Katya used, transporting her to two years back when she’d ask the same question.

Penny for your thoughts?

There is no way that Katya remembers that night of her farewell party when Trixie almost kissed her on three different occasions, right?

Trixie turns around to meet her eyes with Katya’s, noticing a very little smudge on the edges of her lips and smiles, hoping the balcony was dark enough that the other doesn’t see her red eyes that still prickle uncomfortably. Trixie swallows and then shrugs casually.

“I’m thinking how horrible my singing must have been to make you run before I was done.”

Teasing Katya is one of the easiest things in the world, especially when it’s rewarded with this gorgeous laughing that sounds like a squirrel fighting for air. It makes Trixie laugh too, the knot in her throat loosening.

“Bitch, it wasn’t your singing! I don’t have to explain my bowel movements to you, do I?”

Trixie scrunches her nose in Katya-you’re-gross kind of way but she’s still laughing.

“Maybe that’s exactly what I want, Katie.”

“You’re a disgusting, vile human being.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

They laugh again but then Katya comes to stand next to her, arm propped on the railing, head tilted up a little bit since Trixie is wearing heels and she is most definitely not.

“Okay, how about this: your song is really good and your voice is amazing.”

Trixie feels her cheeks heat up and she has to look away. Since when was Katya this open with complimenting her? Diffusing the situation in her head, Trixie clears her throat, ready to fish for more.

“Oh but I fully know that.”

“You do? Good. Okay—“ Trixie watches Katya raise her index finger and presses it to her own chin, pretending to be thinking, glasses on top of her head making her messy hair even messier. Trixie wants to tuck the stray strands so badly, but doesn’t think her own heart can bear it.

“Let me try again: I think that you’re talented in everything you do and you’re seriously underestimating yourself.”

The tone that Katya uses when she says that is as neutral as if she’s talking about the weather, but Trixie has to blink once, twice, the corners of her mouth twitching into yet another smile. The knot in her throat is back, however, and when she opens her mouth to speak, nothing comes out. Instead, her eyes fill with tears and she exhales shakily pinching the bridge of her nose.

“Trix?” The last thing she needs right now is Katya coming even closer to her, but she’s there anyway, fingers wrapped around her wrist comfortingly, and Trixie flinches at how cold Katya’s skin feels.

“I’m fine I just- your fingers are really cold.”

“Trixie-“

Next thing she knows, Katya is pulling her into a hug, one of the tight ones Trixie always hoped to get more of, and her own eyes close shut when she leans her cheek on Katya’s shoulder.

“I got you, it’s okay.”

“I’m getting mascara all over your dress.”

“That’s why I always wear black dresses.”

“In case girls decide to cry on your shoulder?”

“Yes, and to keep up with my bat aesthetic.”

That makes Trixie hiccup, then laugh, before she pulls herself away and wipes the tears from under her eyes, grateful she didn’t go with heavy makeup today.

“You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine I just— this week’s been a lot.”

Katya nods thoughtfully and rubs Trixie’s upper arms before she fishes for cigarettes in her pocket – of course Katya’s dress would have pockets - and asks Trixie if it’s okay if she smokes, to which Trixie nods, still finding it hard to speak.

“Your aunt?” Katya asks again when she exhales smoke in a direction opposite of where Trixie is standing.

“Yeah, and… other things.”

“Yeah?”

Trixie wants to tell her all about it. She wants to tell her how fucked up she is, and how bad of a person she is, how her girlfriend is in this very house downstairs with all their friends and all she can think about is stepping closer to Katya and kissing her. How she doesn’t deserve someone like Pearl, or Katya. Trixie wants to tell her how a part of her wishes she never went to Berlin because she’d have been there when Katya and Sharon broke up. She also wants to tell her how the last thing she wants is to hurt Pearl whom she loves and who has been nothing but great to her, but how her heart goes insane every time Katya is around. She wants to tell Katya other things, even more personal , and wants to tell her just how irrationally she’s in love with her, even though they still don’t know a lot of things about each other.

And yet, she doesn’t.

“I’m just tired, and I don’t really know what I want anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s kind of a long story, but just, you know, general things. Work, life, being back in Boston…”

“Having a hard time readjusting, huh?”

“Kinda, yeah. And the girls at Honey are great but recently I’ve been thinking about opening my own salon but I don’t have the stability to, you know, mentally or financially.”

Katya nods along, and the absolute understanding Trixie finds in her eyes makes her want to cry again.

“A wise woman once told me: follow your gut and stick with it.”

“Was the wise woman you?”

Katya laughs, and Trixie finds herself smiling again.

“No! But I’ll tell you this: I believe that everything you set your mind to, Tracy, you can achieve.”

“You really want me to start crying again, don’t you?”

“Wet my shoulder baby one more time.”

The shriek-laugh leaves Trixie and eventually Adore finds the two of them laughing loudly together, both having long forgotten what exactly it was they have been laughing about.

Pearl goes home with her later that evening, and as they climb up the stairs to her small apartment, Trixie still thinks about Katya leaving with Kameron little before them, trying not to feel too bitter about it. Her own emotions aside, Katya has absolutely every right to move on from Sharon, and it would be selfish to feel betrayed or sulk about it. After all, Pearl is right next to her, with her arms around her, mumbling about how tired she is and how she can’t wait to get into bed.

Trixie watches her take off her clothes and go into the shower, and does the same once Pearl is out. Feeling mentally and physically drained, Trixie snuggles into Pearl under the covers in her king-sized bed that’s more than big enough for the two of them.

“I’m going to miss all of those bitches when I leave.”

Pearl’s voice is low and rumbling with her lips pressed to Trixie’s forehead, Trixie snuggled into her embrace and arm slung around Pearl’s bare, toned stomach.

“I’m going to miss you.” She adds, and Trixie looks up to find her blue eyes searching for hers, feeling a whirlwind of emotions from the night, from the week, from this moment, tearing her apart from the inside.

“I’ll miss you too.” Trixie finally croaks out, and she’s not lying. These past couple of weeks has been the longest she and Pearl have spent together, and Trixie’s gotten used to having her around. Waking up with Pearl and going to sleep with her has been her favorite part of the day, because she loves the feeling of being protected and safe, and loves having Pearl’s arms around her. She wishes, with all her heart, it was enough.

“You smell so good.” Pearl says then, and her lips are already leaving small, lingering kisses down Trixie’s face and her jawline. Once her teeth find Trixie’s neck and bite down playfully, Katya temporarily leaves Trixie’s mind. All she can think about are Pearl’s lips and Pearl’s hands running down her sides and fingers digging into soft flesh of her waist under her T-Shirt.

“Yeah?” She breathes out, scooting closer, suddenly hungry for physical touch, Pearl’s touch, always so attentive and knowing of what Trixie wants and needs.

“Mhmmm.” When she sees Pearl smile and trail kisses down her bare stomach, her long fingers pushing Trixie’s underwear down her thighs before she settles between them, Trixie thinks she can make this work. Maybe she has been wrong all these years. Maybe it was possible to love two people at the same time after all. She will think about what to do about that realization tomorrow.

Trixie is thankful that Kim is back on Monday, and they embrace tightly in the middle of the salon. She requests every single detail from the New York seminar, and Kim has just finished talking about how Brianna got food poisoning from one of the small delis when customers start pouring in. Without having to say anything, Trixie knows Kim wants her to talk about Adore and Bianca’s party, because Kim and Bob are the only people who knew about her liking Katya back then, two years ago. It has been the only thing that kept her sane through everything. Neither of them know about Trixie’s realizations now, because saying them out loud would mean that it’s true, and Trixie is not ready to admit it to herself just yet.

Luckily for her, Kim is a really good reader of people.

“Come on, Trixie, I know you’ve been dying to tell me about the party all morning.”

They finally manage to sit down hours later, for lunch, and Trixie knows she doesn’t have a lot of time before their next appointments walk through their door.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell you Kimberly, it was a housewarming party. Alcohol has been drunk, songs have been sung, we’ve all been roasted by Bianca at least once, Katya and I talked twice…”

“Katya was there?”

“Yeah, you know how much Adore loves her, of course she was there.”

“That must have been awkward, huh?”

“A little bit, yeah, but not too much. She hugged me on the balcony after I started sobbing right in front of her so that was fun.”

“Why were you sobbing?”

Trixie suddenly feels like she’s in a dark room, set up for interrogation. She feels she might as well tell her best friend about it, since mulling over the situation alone during the weekend did not help at all.

“Everything just hit me at once, and I am just so confused Kim-“

“So you still have feelings for her, huh?”

Kim asks the question with her eyebrows slightly raised, slurping on her noodles, and Trixie feels her heart swell. Kim Chi was never a judging type when it came to serious things, despite her jokes and judgment on every other occasion.

“I- I don’t know. I literally don’t know. It seems like those two years in Berlin did nothing to help me forget her. I feel like a dumbass.”

“And Pearl is in the picture.”

Trixie pokes at her own noodles unenthusiastically, sighing with a groan.

“I wish I had your problems.” Kim says then, and Trixie gapes at her with a scoff and an incredulous look on her face.

“Bitch!”

“Bitch nothing! You have these two gorgeous women fighting for you and you’re here being useless, complaining-“

“Katya isn’t fighting for me; I don’t think she even sees me like that.”

“Trixie please, she was here the first day you were back-“

“She didn’t know I was back, Kimberly, you’ve seen how surprised she was. And it doesn’t matter anyway; she went home with Bianca’s cousin that Adore invited only to hook them up so…”

“Oh. That sucks.”

Trixie half-shrugs, half-nods, shoving the fork full of noodles in her mouth. They both chew in silence for a couple of moments before Kim speaks up again.

“I still think you should talk to Pearl. This isn’t fair to her.”

“I know. I just don’t know how to bring it up. I think I’ll do it after their photoshoot thing on Friday.”

“Good idea. Oh! Speaking of which, I don’t think Brianna is going to make it for that.”

“Still sick? Yikes.”

“Yep. Adore will probably ask you to fill in, so just a heads up.”

“Why can’t you fill in, Kim? Katya and Pearl are both going to be there.” It’s futile to say that her pouting does not work on her best friend.

“I can’t, they will need a hair person and I do make up. But even better! You can look and them both and decide which one you wanna bone for the rest of your life.”

“Kimberly!” Trixie laughs loudly, splattering her noodles everywhere.

“What? It’s a win-win! And I’m not cleaning up your shit. You’re on your own.”

Kim was right, Adore does storm into the salon on Tuesday morning, begging Trixie to help her out with the photoshoot on Friday, and Trixie does not see the way of turning it down without seeming suspicious. Adore, despite being a stoner who talks slowly, is incredibly smart and intuitive, and Trixie could have sworn she gauged at least some of the feelings Trixie has for Katya. And, Adore being one of Pearl’s best friends, is definitely the worst person to get suspicious right now, since Trixie wants Pearl to find about everything from her and not anyone else. That is why she promises Adore to be there on Friday, and spends the rest of the week between preparing for it mentally and helping Pearl pack.

Pearl is busy enough not to notice the shift in Trixie’s behavior, or at least that’s what Trixie wishes, with her getting increasingly jittery about Friday and genuinely not knowing how it will all end. A large part of her hopes in vain that whatever she felt during these past couple of weeks have just been emotions intensified by the loss of her aunt, and not something that could potentially change her life, make her lose Pearl and fuck up her friendship with Katya. She’s a mess, and she needs time she doesn’t have to process just how much of a mess she is.

When Friday finally rolls around, Trixie and Pearl go to the agency together, and Katya is the first one to greet them in the hallway, giving them both tight Katya hugs and looking much less tense than when she’s seen them at the party. Trixie wants to ask her about Kameron, but they barely get the chance to talk to each other for majority of the day. Katya, on the other hand, looks at Trixie with a newly found wonder Trixie can’t place, crinkles around her eyes she’s earned by constantly laughing, and Trixie finds herself wanting to know every single thing that makes Katya tick.

Watching Katya and Pearl work together is an… experience, and she cannot tear her eyes away when Katya runs to Pearl to fix strands of her puffy blonde hair or talks to her with her arms flailing all over the place. Pearl, being herself, feels absolutely unfazed by Katya’s chaotic energy and the way she bursts out laughing at whatever Katya says makes Trixie’s nerves spike. After talking to Kim on Monday, she knows that she needs to do something about this stupid situation, but now, looking at the two of them laughing when Pearl made a funny face and flipped Katya off, Trixie knows that at least one person will end up hurt. Love sucks.

Katya runs up to her during one of the breaks, begging her to do something with her bangs that keep falling into her eyes, and Trixie spends fifteen minutes laughing at the stubborn blonde strands, attracting curious glances from all of their friends. Katya watches no one else but her, murmuring jokes and egging her on even more, and Trixie swears that no one, not even Pearl, exists around them for a hot minute. Selfish.

Once the individual shots are done, the group shots follow, and Adore and Trixie watch the entire thing unfold, standing just off the side where Katya was kneeling and shouting instructions at the girls and Michelle is sitting and watching it happen.

“Katya’s insanely talented, man.” Adore comments, her arms folded, her and Trixie’s bags half-packed besides their feet. It’s the last set of the day, and Michelle promised to buy them all dinner afterward.

“She is, she’s always talked about how she wanted to be a photographer when I met her.”

“Oh yeah, you’ve known each other for a long time, right?”

“Three years, more or less. Violet brought her to the salon one day and she just kept coming back.”

“Until you left?”

Trixie looks over at Adore, and Adore’s looking at her with an expression Trixie can’t quite read.

“Yeah, I guess so. I didn’t really keep tabs on my American customers once I moved.”

“Uh huh.” Adore nods and looks away and at the girls again, and Trixie can’t help but feel a little bit uneasy.

“Is everything okay, Adore?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

It’s the first time Trixie has noticed a tiny bit of hostility from an otherwise chill Adore, and it makes her heart sink. She knows, she knows, she knows. It’s unsure how Adore knows, but it’s the only thing that would explain this behavior. Trixie opens her mouth and closes it again, and they don’t speak again until the set is done and everyone is doing a group hug and Trixie is painfully aware of Katya’s arm around her waist from her right.

Trixie and Pearl don’t stay for dinner, since Pearl’s plane is at 4 am, and Trixie is the one taking her, so they need time to get her all packed up. When they finally zip up the second and final suitcase hours later, Trixie can feel the heart in her throat and when Pearl comes to hug her, she knows that this is the time to make a decision. If she stays silent, she will take Pearl to the airport, kiss her goodbye, and they will be back to their long distance relationship until November.

It could be enough time to figure out her feelings, Trixie thinks in one fleeting moment as she hears Pearl’s heart beat under her cheek, but then remembers Kim’s words and how unfair it would be to the girl that has been nothing but kind to her. If they stay together, it might take weeks, months, even years until her feelings for Katya fade, and Trixie doesn’t know if she can bear kissing Pearl one more time with Katya on her mind. If they break up now, and Katya doesn’t like her back, Trixie will have to live with the consequences and it’s nothing less than she deserves with getting herself into this situation. And if Katya does like her, somewhere down the line… that scenario scares her as much as it excites her. That thought alone makes the final decision that much easier.

“Pearl?”

“Yeah babe?”

“What time is it?”

“Five minutes after midnight. Do you want to go eat something? We still have time.”

“Sure. But uh…”

“What’s up, Trix?”

“We should talk.”

#trixya #trixya fic #lesbian au #katya zamolodchikova #trixie mattel #twist of fate #katyahzamo #slow burn #rpdr fanfiction

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