#my rammmortal

[myrammmortal]

This is it, chapter 11. The last one. Don't cry, it will be okay. Somewhere, but not here.

“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! Frau Schneider tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Till chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! Anyway, makeover time! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Flake was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Flake and Loopin pointing his womb. I took my gun and shot Flake and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Till ran in. “Paul Darkness Edgelord Troglodyte Shadow Dementia Raven Way Alzheimer Birdflu Croissant Boy Landers, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Flake and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

“What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!”

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”

“This cannot be.” Flake said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Tills wand had shot him. “There must be other factors.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

“Why are you doing this?” Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.

“Because you’re goffic?” Flake asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

“Because I LOVE HER!”

We heard a car door close and Olli came walking towards us. The wellness retreat had clearly done him some good. "Hi guys, I'm back. Did I miss anything?"

Well, this was that entire nightmare. I hope the sweet people from Rammtisch that requested this are happy. If you have any questions, I don't blame you. I have many as well. And not a single answer. But if you do have questions I will try to answer anyway. Person who originally wrote My Immortal: I hope you are okay, wherever you are. Your story may be the worst story ever written but I hope that didn't stop you from writing anyway and improving on your skills. I hope you are living a happy life and I hope that you can look back on your story and laugh at the joy and tears it continues to give people after all these years.

Yes, Paul's name has been changing and has been getting weirder by request. Why? Because I can!

#my rammmortal #i'm off to watch kittens and puppies and bunnies or something #feel free to leave a message #rammstein #fanfic #rammstein fanfic #paul landers #richard kruspe #oliver riedel #till lindemann #flake lorenz #christoph schneider #be careful around steaks #they cut you #peace was never an option

[myrammmortal]

Chapter 10, who knew you can kill Richard with a steak?

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with the band. Only today Richard was depressed so he wasn’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Richard was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching hotpants that said Daddy's Boy on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

“Paul Flavor Flav Alzheimer Birdflu Landers! Are you OK?” Frau Schneider asked in a concerted voice.

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Richard. But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Richard!” I burst into tears.

Suddenly Richard jumped out from behind a wall.

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!” (c is dat out of character?)

I started to cry and cry. Richard started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Wait, I'm in the wrong story again aren't I? My apologies, carry on!" He walked off, still crying wisely and Till entered the room.

“Paul Darkness Vampire Potter Landers, Richard has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.” 

#thank you wisely crying dumbledore #i needed that relief #if you don't hear from me in a while i'm dead because of stupid #my rammmortal #fanfic #rammstein fanfic #oliver riedel #till lindemann #flake lorenz #richard kruspe #christoph schneider #paul landers #rammstein

[myrammmortal]

Chapter 7, Vampire Potter you motherfucker

Richard and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u? Editors note: Yes it does). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Richard. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Richard. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid? editors note: dear god kill me)

“Oh Richard, Richard!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Richard’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Vampire!

I was so angry.

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Richard pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Richard ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s room where he was having a chat with Flake and some other people.

“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled. 

#well there is it i guess #my rammmortal #VAMPIRE POTTER YOU MOTHERFUCKER kills me #rammstein #fanfic #rammstein fanfic #till lindemann #richard kruspe #flake lorenz #paul landers #oliver riedel #christoph schneider

[myrammmortal]

Chapter 5, we're almost done with this crap

Dumbledore got startled and flustered, stammering an apology and something about trying to catch students in the act because one of them was rabid and needed to be put down. Till appeared out of nowhere and Richard and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Richard comforted me. When we went back to the hotel Till took us to Flake and Schneider who were both looking very bored.

“They were having sexual intercourse in a parking lot!” he yelled in a furious voice.

“So?” asked Flake.

“How dare you?” demanded Scheider. "The banana god will be upset and you will be the cause of the downfall of humanity!"

And then Richard shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

Everyone was quiet. Till and Schneider still looked mad but Flake said. “Richard, I may not be a real doctor but I think we need to have a talk. You see, what we have here is Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Shadowbeast Landers and though he may be small, he is still considered male. Come, sit next to me and let's read this little book together.” It took a while for Doktor Flake to explain the situation to Richard but his face slowly lit up with understanding.

Richard and I went upstairs while the the others laughed at us.

“Are you okay, Paul Darkness Shadow Raven Birdflu?” Richard asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. "That's not my name by the way, it's Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Landers." I went to my room and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into hot pink booty shorts with 'Booty' written on it in glitter, a mesh top and my usual combat boots. When I came out….

Richard was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.  

#there was a bit of changing in this one #can you tell? #do not piss off the banana god #though this entire story might #my rammmortal #rammstein #fanfic #rammstein fanfic #till lindemann #richard kruspe #paul landers #flake lorenz #oliver riedel #christoph schneider

[myrammmortal]

Chapter 25, HAMMER TIME!

AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin 2 bet u up!1111 n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1

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I was so excited. I fellowed Richard wandering if we where going 2 do it again. We went outside and then we went into Richard’s black car.

“Paul Darkness Alzheimer Omnipotentia Landers what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say.” whispered Richard potting his gothic whit hand with bvlak nail polish on mine.

“She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow.” I grumbled in a sexy voice. He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork. I totally know how to do the drugs and stuff. He started to fly the car into a tree. We went to the top of it. Richard put on some MCR (Markiplier Cat Rave, you're way to mainstream to know this. Including you Markiplier!).

“And all the things that you never ever told me And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me.” sang Meow’s sexy voice. We started tiling of each other’s cloves fevently. I really love tractors and farm work! He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar. I took of his black boxers. Then……………………… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily. "That's not where that goes Richard, now get your dick away from my hammer and fuck me properly!"

“OMFG Richard Richard!” I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly………… I fell asleep. Richard really needs to up his game because sex is just so boring at this point. I started having a dream. In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair.

“No! Please don’t fucking kill us!1” they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car.

“No! Oh my fucking god!11” I shouted in a scared voice.

“Paul Darkness Raven Birdflu Eyewash Landers what’s wrong?” Richard asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes.

I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face. I told Richard to call Vampire. He did it with his mobile. Butt the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where……………………… Lucian and Serious!111 

#i really hope at this point that you are clicking the links i leave in #because they are my best work #my rammmortal #christoph schneider #fanfic #flake lorenz #oliver riedel #paul landers #rammstein #rammstein fanfic #richard kruspe #till lindemann

[myrammmortal]

My immortal apologies

I mislabelled the chapters. I thought chapter 11 was the last one. BUT IT IS NOT! There's 34 more chapters to this pile of horseshit and I swear that I will post all of these chapters as well! I don't care what it will do to me. I don't care that I will stare into Hell itself and Lucifer will be like "Hell nah, I don't want that soul, that one is just too tainted". I don't care that I will have to wander the earth as an eternal being, condemned to flashbacks of what I have done.

IT WILL BE DONE!

So keep your peeples peepled, there will be more chapters!

#my rammmortal #rammstein #till lindemann #richard kruspe #paul landers #flake lorenz #oliver riedel #christoph schneider #fanfic #rammstein fanfic

[myrammmortal]

Chapter 41, porn = love

AN: 2 every1 hu kepz flaming diz GIT S LIF!!!!! I bet u proly odnt no hu gerod way is ur proly al prepz and pozers!!!!!!!!11111 neway sum1 hakked in2 mi akkount in November and dey put up my last chaptah but now der is a new 1. im surry 4 nut updating g 4 a while but ive been rilly bizzy. im trying 2 finish da story b4 da new movie kumz out. Im gong on vacation 4 a mons I wont be bak until abott 2 weeks. OMFG drako iz so hot in all da pix 4 da new movie!!!111 I wunted dem 2 put a kameo by geord way lol he hsud play drako. if u flame ill slit muh risztz!!!!!!!!11 raven u rok gurl hav fun in ingland.

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When I wook up I wuz in a strange room. I loked around I wuz wearing da same outfit I had when is performed wif XBlakXTearX!!!!!11 I looked arund confusedly. It wuz da Norse’s office but it looked difrent!! On da wall wuz a pik of Marlyin Munzon!!!1111 (just imagin dat he is an 80s goffik band 2 ok koz he is more old den panic?! at da dizcko or mcr) der wuz also a goffik blak Beatles calander with a picture of the beetlez werring iyeliner and blak cloves. On it said ‘1980.’

“OMFG!!! Im back in Tim again!!!!111” I screamed loudly. Suddenly Satan(dis is actually voldimort 4 photo refrenss!). Voldimort wuz wearing a blak leather Jackson, blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz. He looked so sexah I almost had an orgy!!!!11

“OMFG Paul Shadow Omnipotentia Raven Face Landers r u ok.” He asked gothikally.

“Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation.” I snapped sexily. “OMG am I dedd???” koz I remembered I had jumped in front off da bullet from Jame’s gun. I also rememberd cing Richard doing it wif Snap!!!!111

I guessed dat when I had slit mi wrists I had went bak in tim instead of dieing. I knoew I could go forward in time if I found a time-toner or da tim machine.

“No ur not dead.” Satan reassured suicidally as he smokd a cigarette sexily and smoke came all over his face. “Ur a vampire so u kant die frum a bullet. You should know that you can only die from slicing your wrists with a steak. Cum on now lets go c how Hairy’s dad is doing.”

I noo dat da real reason I didn’t die from da ballet was koz I was from da future. “WTF!!!! James almust shot Luciious!!!” I said indigoally. I knew that James had really ben possezzed, but I didn’t want him2 know I knew.

“Yah I know but he had a headache he wz under a lot of stress.” Satan reasoned evilly.

“I guess that’s ok.” I said because James hadn’t really shot Lucian. Also I noo that Lucian wood now have 2 arms instead of 1. I walked seduktivly outside with Satan. Suddeni I saw a totally sexi goffik bi guy!!!!!11 He had bleched blond hair wiv blak streaks up 2 his ears and he wuz wearing goffik blak iliner, a blak Green Day shirt (it showed billy joel wiv bolnd hair since it was da eighties), blak congress shoes and black baggy pants. He walked in all sexly like Gerrd way in the vido for I Don’t 3 u lyk I did yesterday and you cud see a blak tear on his face lyk da wmn in dat video. “Hey.” He sed all qwietly and goffically.

“Who da fuck is that?” I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him.

“Dis is…Hedwig!!!!!!!!!11” Sed Volximort. “He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm. Or his wing I guess. He is an owl after all. And a girl. So I guess she broke her wing because she is an owl.

“Hey Hedwig.” I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b.

“Lol hi stranger I have never met before but I guess because of your immense beauty I shall call Paul Darkness Great Mal Omnipotentia Raven Face Landers.” He answered but then he ran away bcos he had hair of magical creature. Some would call them feathers. He was humming Welcum 2 da Blak Prade under his breth( I no dat is not 80s but pretend it is ok!!)

“Bye.” I sed all sexily.

“Dat was Hedwig. He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up.” Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails.

“OMFG I can get u bak 2gether!” I said fingering something I didn’t know wuz in my pocket- a blak Kute is What we Aim 4 cideo ipod that I could take videos wif (duz ne1 elze no about dem??? dey kik azz!!!!).

“Ok u can 4get about ur class for now, Hedwig. Im going 2 show u something grate!!!!1” I led them to da Great Hall. “Cum on u guys.”

Lucian, James, Serious and Snake were all in da Grate Hall. Lucian woudnt talk wiv James because he had tried 2 shoot him.

“Go fuk urself you fukking douche!” he shouted at him. “Richard is never gong 2 b frends with vampire now!!1 Though I have no idea who these two people are anyway because I'm 16 and from a different time!"

“Yah go fuck urself Samaro!” Snape agreed but I noo he wuz lying koz it had been his folt James had almost shot Lucian.

“B quiet u guys.” I said sexily. Mi plan waz working oot great. Now I kood make Voldement good wivout doing it with him! Now Vampire’s dad wood never die and “OK Satan and Hedwig, u guys can start making out.” I said and I started 2 film dem wiv da ipod. Because making a gay porn is totally the way to true love! And if you disagree with this I will bring out the homophone again!

“Kool.” said Serious as Voldemort and Hedwig started 2 make out sexily. We watched as tdey started 2 take each odderz cloves off sexily. Samaro, Serious, Snake and Lucian all watched koz dey wer prolly bi. I noo Snape was bi.

“Oh my fukking god!!!! Voldimort! Voldimort!” screamed Hedwig as his glock touched Voldemort’s.

But suddenly everything stopped as da door opend and in kame………………Daddy Till and Mr. Norris!!!!111111111111  

Daddy Till was carrying Mr. Norris in his arms and stroking him like an evil villain. "What are you doing here?!" I screamed all sexily and suicidally. "Do you think you can just walk in here and expect to be part of this very hot, spontaneous, true love, steaming gay porn scene?" "No Paul Darkness Elementia Raven Face Landers," he said while he was still stroking Mr Norris the cat, "I expect you to die!".

"NOOOooooOOOOooooo!!!!" I screamed, and everything went black again.

#my rammmortal #rammstein #christoph schneider #fanfic #flake lorenz #oliver riedel #paul landers #rammstein fanfic #richard kruspe #till lindemann

[myrammmortal]

Chapter 40, error 404; story not found

I did exactly the same things as in the previous chapter but dumber.

#nope #that was it #no joke even #my rammmortal #rammstein #christoph schneider #fanfic #flake lorenz #oliver riedel #paul landers #rammstein fanfic #richard kruspe #till lindemann

[myrammmortal]

Chapter 39.5, it was fun while it lasted

AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 U SUCK!11 oh and form now on il be in vocation in englind until lik august so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while, lolz. fangz 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed FOK U!1 MCR RULEZ 666!111

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I woke up in da Norse’s offace on a special gothik bed. Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma coz Vampir and Richard had bet him up. Mr. Noris was cleaning the room. Which was very impressive for a cat.

“Oh mi satan wut happened!” I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came. He loked less mean then usual.

“Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11” I yielded.

“Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11” he said arngrily. Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective.

“Volxemort? OMFG what’s wrong!111” I asked.

Sudenly………. Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came! Frau Schneider and Vampire were wif dem. Every1 was holding blak boxez. VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD.

“OMFG Paul Darkness Shadow Raven Buttface McGee Landers ur alive!111” Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and Frau Schneider.

“What the fuk happened?” I asked dem. “Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?” I gosped.

“Paul Darkness Omnipotentia Landers u were totally shot!11�� said Serious. “But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time. And vampires can only be killed by steaks and not bullets. Bet you forgot about that one huh?”

“But fangz anyway!1” said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms!

“OMG I cant beleve Vampirz’ dad shot u!1” I gasped.

“Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den.” said James.

“Yah he wuz a spy and posessed by himself somehow. That probably explains why there are sometimes two of him.” Serious said sadly. “He wuz really a Death Dealer.”

“And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11” said Lucian. “He didn’t even realy no hu GC were until I told him.” Well anyway everyone tarted 2 give me presents. I was opening a blak box wif red 666s (there wuz a dvd of corps bride in it) on it when I gasped. Mr. Noris looked up angrily coz he h8ed gothz.

“You didn't give me a chance to explain yet but there aren't two Snapes. One of them is the good one called Flake and the evil one is his evil twin! But anyway... Hey haz aneone fuking seen Richard?” I asked gothikally.

“No Richard told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax.” said Profesor Trevolry. “He duzzn’t know dat ur better. Anyway da norse said u could get up. Cum on!1”

I got up suicidally. Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left. I wuz wearing a blak leather nightgun. Under that I had on a sexxy blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, with a matching thong that said goffik dumbass on the butt and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong (if u don’t get da idea massage me ill tell u). I put on a blak fishnet top under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace and congress shoes. I left the hospital’s wings wif Frau Schneider, Willow and Vampire.

“OMFG letz celebrate!11” gasped Willow.

“We can go c Hose of Wax wif Richard!1” giggled Vampire.

“Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666!11” said Frau Schneider. We opened da conmen room door sexily. And den………..I gasped……………………………………… Richard wuz there doing it wif Flake!1111111111111111111111111 He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz.

“U fucking prep!11” we all yielded angrily.

“Yah u betrayed us!111” shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun.

“No u don’t understand!1” screamed Richard sadly as he took his thingie out of Flake. "He's the nice one and I was bored!"

“No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111” said Willow trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1). I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out.

“Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Landers no!11111” screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 I had slit muh ritsts wif it suddenly everyfing went blak again.

I guess steaks are very sharp and dangerous. So be very careful if you're preparing dinner. Just remember: Steak with the S for sharp. Knife with the K for K to handle in unsafe ways.

#my rammmortal #rammstein #christoph schneider #fanfic #flake lorenz #oliver riedel #paul landers #rammstein fanfic #richard kruspe #till lindemann

[myrammmortal]

Chapter 39, either the writing has gotten better or this is the hacker chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own the HP series and I am not the real XXXbloodyrists666XXX.

AN// I am an extremely immature pathetic idiot girl, I know. Out of boredom, I crack this girl's passy for fun (and it took less than 8 minutes to do it too) and will probably get in a shitload of trouble. Which I probably deserve 'cause I'm being a troll right now. Meh.

And I present to you MY crappy part in this story. (And take note I haven't even finished reading this fic yet, but instead skip over to skim chapter 38.) Flame, laugh, do whatever you want "preps."

I, the American retail wearing british-german vampire Sue, coughed up blood.

Satan kneeled down beside me.

"Noooooooooooooooo! Don't die!"

I gave him a rueful smile. "I'm sorry. It's something I had to do, to fufill my duty as the noble gothic Mary Sue."

Satan sobbed. "I love you Paul Darkness Omnipotentia Brick Face Landers."

"I love you two. I'll...I'll see you in hell." I mumbled, already finding my surroundings fading to black.

Frau Schneider suddenly popped into the room for no apparent reason. She frowned when she realized the room was oddly quiet, but at the sight of Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Landers' lifeless body, she screamed. Her face became pale with horror. She screamed for the healers, Daddy Till, Mcgoogle, and every single gothic person she could think of. It was a long, long, long, long, long, list. Still not sure why her parents old neighbours were here.

Suddenly, a glow started to surround the body of Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Landers. Everyone stared in shock. Her body started to lift ever so slowly and then, to everyone's shock, it started to incinerate.

When everyone realized what was happening, they rushed over to try to rescue the body, but it was too late, the Sue became nothing more then a pile of ashes.

A loud resounding of everyone bellowing "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!!" filled the room.

A flash of white light from the ashes then started to bounce around the room. Everyone cowered in fear and were temporarily blinded. When it was all over, things changed.

All the silly goth clothes dropped from everyone's bodies (AN//I will refuse to explain how the hell that happened. EN: thank goodness because I don't want to know) and, in their place, clothes the characters would normally wear in canon appeared on their bodies.

When everyone got over the shock of becoming free of the gofick power, everybody cheered. Everyone started singing 'Ding dong the sue is dead...' Well, that is, until all the HP characters realized the true implications of becoming more canon like again.

All the characters who were supposed to be dead fell to the floor, their bodies cold and lifeless. Harry and Voldemort started dueling. On the left side of the two, the battle of the Light Side and the Dark Side were reaching a climax.

And, because the replacement author also likes to screw around with canon, Richard and Frau Schneider fled the scene and got married.

Meanwhile...

Down in hell, Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Landers shed a single tear because of her current situation. A situation that would live on for all eternity. Or at least until the end of fanfiction time.

She lost it all, but she knew she had to remain strong. Nothing would ever break her down.

She looked down over her pale body, and frowned. 'Where are my emo clothes?' She asked herself in confusion.

And then it occured to her...

For her shirt, she was wearing a bright pink polo with a little seagull on the (right or left? I can't remember) side. Below that, she was wearing a denim miniskirt with the "destroyed" look on it. Paired underneath that skirt were leggings with a little moose at the bottom. And then Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Landers realized, on her shoulder, she was carrying a pretty bag with an eagle on it that said Live Your Life written all over the bag.

Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Landers supressed the urge to scream. Here she was decked out in clothes prep to the extreme wearing stuff from Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, AND Hollister.

Panicked, Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Landers hastily tried to take off the Hollister polo, but underneath it, there was another Hollister polo underneath. Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Landers frowned, and looked under her shirt. All she saw was a bra underneath (dare I point out it's from the Aerie line available at American Eagle?). Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Landers tried to remove the shirt again. But to her frustration, there was yet again another polo to replace it. Every polo more preppy and pink than the last.

"THIS IS UNLOGICAL AND DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!!" Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Landers bellowed out to the air. She failed to see the irony in her statement, how hypocrytical her words were, seeing as she was practically calling the kettle black here.

Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Landers slit her writs and mumbled to herself, "Omigod."

/End Crap Fic.

AN// Oh yeah, if you wanna see the original content this chick had planned for this chapter, I accessed it through the document manager thingy, which I copied and pasted, so you can read it tomorrow

Editors Note: Thank you to whoever added the smallest bit of sanity to my perfect hell. I wish the whole "story" would've ended here but then again, I can't live without Daddy Till, Evil Twin of Flake, Sometimes Flake, Frau Schneider, Oliver Who Was Once Named Navel, Richard and Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Landers.

#my rammmortal #rammstein #christoph schneider #fanfic #flake lorenz #oliver riedel #paul landers #rammstein fanfic #richard kruspe #till lindemann

[myrammmortal]

Chapter 38, I think we're back to Paul's POV? But it can be Richard's if you want.

AN: wut doez every1 fink if I end da strory and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation? oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming if u dnot lik dat story den take muh quiz ok den u wil c if ur gofik or not!1111111

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Satan and I walked 2 his car. It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it. On da license plate said 666 just lik Richard’s car. I went in it seduktivly. Stan started 2 drive it. We talked about Satanism (lolz he wuz named after Satan), kuttting, musik and being goffik.

“Oh my satan, Gerard is so fuking hot!11” Volxemort agreed as we smoked sum weed. (koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem lol goez fux a bi guy)

“Lol, I totally decided not 2 comit suicide when I herd Hilena.” I said in a flirty voice. “……….Hey Satan do u know da cure 4 when ppl r adikted 2 Volxemortseruem?”

“Well………………” he thought. “I fink u have 2 drink Vampire blod.”

Suddenly Volxemort parked da car behind a blak movie theater. Satan and I walked outside. We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol. Satan and I laughed at da blood koz we’re sadists.

While Satan was watching da movie, I had an idea. I took Satan’s gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar sexily from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it. I put it bak in his blak Emile the Strange bag. Satan turned arund and started 2 smoke it. Blak cloudz wif red pentagramz ind em started 2 fly around everywhere.

“OMG!111” Satan said jumping up. I gasped koz I wuz afraid hed notizd. “Paul Darkness Omnipotentia Crow Butt Troglodyte Landers gess what?”

I new that the amnesia had worked.

“Amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it will not work.” He said. “2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u.”

“Kul. So how do you know about it then?” I raised my eye suggestingly. And den………. he tok of my cloves sexily and we started 2 make out. I tok of his shit. He had six-pak justr lik Gerard Way!11 We frenched.

“Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111” shooted da lady behind us she was a prep.

“Fuk u!11” I said. Suddenly…………………. I attaked her suking all her blood.

“Noooooo!11” she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether. Satan and I started to walk outside. It was getting very smelly in there anyway so it was time to go (get it? because they crapped and I'm so goffik)

“Zomg how did u do that?” Voldremort asked in a turned-on voice.

“I’m a vampire.” I said as we went into the car.

“Siriusly?” he gasped.

“Yah siriusly.” I said drinking sum beer. Satan started 2 drive da car. I smelled happily. A side effect of so many people crapping together

“Itz too bad we didn’t get 2 c da rest of the movie, don’t u fink?”

“Yah.” I said as we kised passively. Satan parked in a blak driveway next 2 da place where Richard and I had watched GC for the frist time. We went inside where Marylin Mason wuz playing and started to mosh lol.

“Anti-ppl now uve gone 2 far Jeus Krist Superstar!1111” screamed Marlin on da stage. We did the devil fingers. I started 2 dance really close to Satan. He was so shmexay!1 He looked at me all emo with his gothic red eyes and he looked exactly like Milkey Way. I almost got an orgaism!1 Suddenly Marylin Mason stopped singing.

“I wood like to peasant……………..XBlakXTearX!11” he said. I ran onstage. Lucian, Samaro, Snap and Hades were there. They started 2 play their instilments. I got onstag.

“Wel if u wonted honesty datz all u had 2 say!1111” I sang. (I dnot own da lyerix 2 dat song) My voice sounded lik a pentagram betwen Amy Lee and a gurl version of Gerard Woy. Everyone clappd. Satan got an eructation. “I’M NUT OKAY!1” I sang finaly. Suddenly Lucian started playing da song wrong by mistak.

“OMFG!1” yielded James. “Wut the fuck?”

“Woops im sory!” said Lucian.

“You fuking ashhole!1” James shouted angrily.

“U guys are such prepz!11” Snap said. “Cum on it wuz a mistake!1”

“Yah itz not his fault!11” said Serious.

“No he ruined the fucking song!1” yelled Samaro.

“U guys stop!11” I shotoed angrily but it waz 2 late. They all began 2 fight. Sudenly Samaro took out hiz nife.

“OMFG no!11” shouted Lucan but it wuz 2 late James tried 2 shoot off his arm.

And den……………………………I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11

“No!111” yielded everyone but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak.

#my rammmortal #rammstein #christoph schneider #fanfic #flake lorenz #oliver riedel #paul landers #rammstein fanfic #richard kruspe #till lindemann

[myrammmortal]

Chapter 37, this is Richards POV and shit is about to get even weirder.

AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION ON DA FRIST OF JULY SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX. fangz!1 oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta vocation!11

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RICHARD’S PONT OF VIEW LOL

Vampire and I chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor.

“Oh mi fucking satan!11” Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Landers said. She wuz so hot. “Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster!1”

“But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata,” said Vampire. “Why would u need it?”

“To make everyfing go faster lol.” said Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Landers.

“But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?” I asked jelosly.

“I am here too and OMFG u guyz r so scary!11” said Britney, a fucking prep.

“Shut the fuk up!1” said Willow.

“Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Trevolry’s room.”

Richard, Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Landers and I went to Profesor Siniater’s room. I don't know how I'm here twice but sure. But Profesor Sinister wasn’t there. Instead Tom Rid was.

Oh hi fuckers he said. Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez.

I took out da cloves from da bag. It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said ‘Booty Slut’ on da bak, black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset.

“OMG fangz!” I said hugging him in a gothic way. I took da clothes in da bag. I love dressing in drag!

“OK Profesor Sinister isnt hr what the fuk should we do?” asked Richard. Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall.

“Oh my fuking satan!1” I screamed as I read it. On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian now. Classes shal be taught by Daddy Till who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now. Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge.

“OMFG!111” I shoted arngrily. “How could they do that!11”

Suddenly Daddy Till came.

“WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1” he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly’s blak tim machine!111 I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Richard and Vampire. Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 I looked around. It was……………Profesor Slutborn’s efface! I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. It was the shape of a cross. I put it in my poket. Suddenly da door opened it wuz……..Profesor Slutgorn!11

OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily I don’t kno wut da fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY.

“Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class.” you said finally hoping he couldn’t c da potion in ur pocket.

“Oh ok u can go now.” said Profesor Slutborn.

You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes. Silas, Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez will Never Hurt U by MCR.

“Oh hi you guys.” I said seductively. “Wheres Satan?”

“Oh he’s cumming.” said Serious. “BTW u can kall me Hades now.” Suddenly Satan came. He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson, blak congres shoes, a Slipnot t-shirt and a blak tie.

“Ok I will see you guyz at da concert.” I said and then I went with Satan. 

#my rammmortal #rammstein #christoph schneider #fanfic #flake lorenz #oliver riedel #paul landers #rammstein fanfic #richard kruspe #till lindemann

[myrammmortal]

Chapter 36, I have officially lost the plot

AN: I sed stop flaming ok!111111111 I bet u r al proly old srevinty yr oldz!111 ps PORTERSUZ UR A PREP!1 o ya nd fangz 2 raven 4 di help!111 hav fun in englond gurl!11111

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I loked around in a depresed way. Suddenly I saw Profesor Sinister. Frau Schneider, Socrates and Richard, Vampire and Willow were their to. Socrates left, saying something about knowing that he knows nothing and material possessions are not worth it or something. He doesn't know what he's talking about, possessions are great and I love all my demon friends. Because I'm goffik

“OMFG Sorius I saw u nd Samaro and Snip nd everyone!11111 I kant beleev Snap uzd 2 b goffik!111111”

“Yah I no.” Serious said sadly.

“Oh hey there bitch.” Profesor Trevolry said in an emo voice dirnking some Volxemortserom.

Hi fuker.” I said. “Lizzen, Satan asked me out to a gottik cornet and a movie so I need a sexah new outfit for da date. Also I’m playng in a gothic band so I need an ootfit for that too.”

“Oh my satan!1” (geddit lolz koz shes gofik) gasped Frau Schneider. “Want 2 go to Hot Topik to shop 4 ur outfit?”

“OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11” said Profesor Trevolry.

“I can’t fucking wait 4 dat but we need 2 get sum stuff first.” said Willow.

“Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore nd also………….sum luv potion 4 Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Landers.” Richard said resultantly.

“Well we have potions klass now.” Willow said so let’s go.

We went sexily to Potionz class. But Snap wasn’t there. Instead there was…………………………………………Cornelio Fuck!11111

“Hey where the fuck is Daddy Till!111” Richard shouted angrily.

“STFU!1” shooted Cornelia Fuck. “He is in Abkhazian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer. “Now do ur work!111”

My friendz and I talked arngrily.

“Can you BELEVE Snap used to be gottik!1” Vampire asked surprisedly.

“DATZ IT!11” CORNELIO FUK SHOOTED ARNGRILY. “IM GETTING PROFESOR BRIDGE!111”

He stomped out angrily.

Mi frendz and I began talking again. I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer. Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard.

“WTF is he doing?” I asked. Then I looked at Richard. He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner nd he locked shexier den eva. Suddenly……………“HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11” he shooted.

I looked around…………….Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11 Richard and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily.

“God u r such a posr!1” I shooted at Hairgrid. Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. It was………………Amnesia Portion!111 

#my rammmortal #rammstein #christoph schneider #fanfic #flake lorenz #oliver riedel #paul landers #rammstein fanfic #richard kruspe #till lindemann

[myrammmortal]

Chapter 35, Rick and Morty are here as well?

AN: fangz 2 suzi 4 da idea!1 u rok! fuk of prepz!11111111 fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun so FUK U!111 oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius!1 fangz.

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I went in2 da Conmen Room finking of Satan. Suddenly I gasped………………..Richard wuz there!111

I grasped. He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak t-shrit and blak eyeliner.

“Richard what da fuk r u dong!111111” I gosped.

“Huh?” he asked. Then I remembred. It wuzn’t Richard. It was Lucan!1 He stil had two arms.

“Oh hi Lucian!1” I sed. “Im Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Omnipotentia Great Mal Raven Face Landers the new student lol we shook handz.”

“Yah Satan told me abot you.” Lusian said. He pinted to a groop of sexxxy gottik guyz. They where siting in a corner kutting. It wuz Serious, Vampire’s dad and………………Snap! All of them were wearing blak eyeliner and blak Good Chralootte band shirts. “Lizzen I’m in a goth band wif those guys.” he said. “Were playing 2nite at da Marylin Mason show as back-up.

ORLY I ESKED.

“Yeah.” he said. “Were calld XBlakXTearX. I play teh gutter. Spartacus plays da drums” he said ponting to him. “Snap plays the boss. And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring.”

“Hey bastards.” I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin. Suddenly I gasped again. “But don’t u have a lead singer!” I asked. Lucian looked dawn sadly.

“We uzd to but she did. She contempted suicide by silting her rists.”

“Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1” I gasped.

“Its okay but we need a new led snigger.” Samaro said.

“Wel………..I said Im in a bnad myself.”

“Rilly?” asked Snap. I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b goffik!111

“Yeah were called Blody Gothik Rose 666. Do u wanna hr me sing?”

Yeah said everyone. So the guys tok out der guitarz. They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11) Gurn Day.

“I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz.” I sang sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song).. Every1 gasped.

“Paul Darkness Omnipotentia Crow Butt Landers? Will u join da band? Plz!1” begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap.

“Um…….ok.” I shrugged. “Are we gong to play tonight?”

“Yah.” they said.

“Ok.” I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit. I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1 He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans.

“What da hell r u dong here!11” I asked.

“I wil help u go frowad in tim Paul Darkness Superfly Landers.” he said siriusly Den……….he took out a blak tim machine. I went in2 it and……………………..sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111 

#my rammmortal #rammstein #christoph schneider #fanfic #flake lorenz #oliver riedel #paul landers #rammstein fanfic #richard kruspe #till lindemann

[myrammmortal]

Chapter 34, wanna go see the exercise?

AN: SHOT DA FOK UP PREPZ!1111 hav u even red de story!11 u r proly al just prepz nd posrs so FUK U!111 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1

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I wook up in da bed de next day. Richard waz gone. I got up and put on a blak tight sexah drsss that was all ripped at da end. There wuz red korset stuff going up da fornt and da bak and it came up 2 my knees. There wuz a slit in da dress lik in mr & mr simth. I pot on ripped blak fishnets and blak stilton bo-ots. Suddenly…………………. Sorious cocked on da door. I hopened it.

“Hi Paul Darkness Omnipotentia Raven Road.” he said. “Gezz wut u have 2 cum 2 Profesor Sinistor’s office.”

“Ok.” I said in a deprezzd voice. "But can you stop cocking my door? I just cleaned that thing!" I had wanted to fuk Richard or maybe lessen to MCR or Evonezcence. I came anyway.

“So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?” I asked Sorious flirtily.

“I fucking tortured them.” he answered in a statistic way. “They r in Abkhazian now, lol.”

I laughed evilly.

“Where r Richard and Vampira?” I muttered.

“Dey are xcused form skool 2day.” Sodomize moaned sexily. “Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas.”

We went into da office. Proffesor Sinister was there. She was wearing a goffik blak dress that was all ripped all over it kinda lik da one Amy Lee wears in this pic

( http/ She wuz drinking some Volximortserum.

She took out da Pensiv and the time-torner.

“Paul Darkness Great Mal Landers, you will have to do anozzer session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited.” she said sadly. “Good luck. Fangz!”

And then……….I jumped into the Prinsive again. Suddenly I looked around……………I was in da Grate Hall eating grated cheese. It was the one rule that could not be broken. In the Grate Hall you only eat grated food. It was mourning. I was sitting next to Satan. On a table was a tall gottik man wif long blak hair, pail skin and blue eyes wering a suit and blak Cronvrese shoes. He looked just like Charlyn Manson. I noticed……he was drinking a portent.

“Whose he!11” I asked.

“Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn.” Satan said. “He’s da Portents teacher…………..Paul Darkness Omnipotentia Raven Face?”

“Yah?” I asked.

“Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight? And they r showing The Exercise at da movies b4 dat.”

“Yah?”

“Well…...want 2 go 2 da contort and da movie wif me?” 

#my rammmortal #rammstein #christoph schneider #fanfic #flake lorenz #oliver riedel #paul landers #rammstein fanfic #richard kruspe #till lindemann

[myrammmortal]

Chapter 33, putting clothes on just to take them off again, again!

AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok if u don’t lik da story den ur a prep so fuk u flamerz!1111 ps im nut updating ubtil u giv me fiv god reviewz nd diz tim I men it!111111 U SUK!1111 fangz raven 4 di help il promiz to help u wif ur story lolz1

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“Oh my fuking god!1” I shooted sadly. “Shud we get u 2 St Manga’s, bitch?”

“Hel no!” she said. “Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson 4 sum help?”

“Sure, but my name isn't Lizzen Egogy." I said sadly. It must be the curse, that thing is tenacious if anything and my beauty is just so great that people keep forgetting my name. Must be because I'm so goffik. I went outside the door. Richard was there!111 He wuz wearing a big blak GC tshit which wuz his panamas.

“Hey Sexxy.” I said.

“How’d it go Paul Darkness Alzheimer Birdflu Landers?” he asked in his voice was so sexy and low kinda like Gerard Way when hes talking.

“Fine.” I reponded. We stared 2 go bak in2 da dorm.

“How far did u go wif Satan?” Richard asked jealously.

“Not 2 far, lol.” I borked.

“Will you hav to do it with him?” Richard asked angstily.

“I hop not 2 far!111” I shouted angrily. Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him. I said sorry. We frenched.

“What happened 2 Snipe?” I growled.

“U will see.” Richard giggled mistressly. He opened a door……………Snap nd Lumpkin werz there!11 Serious waz pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife.

“NOOOO PLZ!1111” Lumpkin bagged as Serious started 2 suk his blood. I laffed statistically. I tok some photons of him and Snap bing torqued. (ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz nd Snap trid 2 rap dem and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz). We took sum of Snipe’s blod den Richard and I went bak 2 our roomz. We sat on my goffik blak bed. My cloves were kinda drity so I pot on a blak leather outfit fingie kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. (if u haven’t herd of it den FUK U!111) . I put on some blak platform high heelz. Richard put on ‘desolition liverz’ by MCR. Den………………………………………….we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. I felt pretty stupid talking about how I was going to put on a carefully planned outfit just to immediately take it off again. I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz. We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy.

“Oh Richard!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Richard!1111” I screemed passively as he got an eructation.

“I luv u TaEbory.” he whispred sexily and den he fel aspleep lol.

"Wow, I literally fucked his brains out!" I thought as I drifted off to sleep.

#my rammmortal #rammstein #christoph schneider #fanfic #flake lorenz #oliver riedel #paul landers #rammstein fanfic #richard kruspe #till lindemann