#octopath chapters badly summarised
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H’aanit’s Chapter 1, Badly Summarised
(I hope you enjoyen for I have tried mine absolute best to write H'aanit's dialect)
(Okay that was a mess I think I'll keep H'aanit's dialect to her chapters)
H'aanit: Greetings, my name is H'aanit, and I am a hunter
H'aanit: I live here in the village of S'warkii in the Woodlands
H'aanit: I lived with my master, but he hath left to hunten a beast, and he hath not returned
H'aanit: This is my friend, Linde. She keepeth me company when I hunten in the woods
Linde: *Snow leopard noises*
H'aanit: I worry for my master. It hath been one year since he hath left
*Flashback*
One year ago
H'aanit: Thou hast yet to depart
Z'aanta: I would not leave before wishing mine apprentice farewell
H'aanit: Wilst thou be gone for long?
Z'aanta: I do not know
Z'aanta: The Knights Ardante hath made this request, and we will travel to distant lands
H'aanit: Master, please taken care of thyself
Z'aanta: I promise to try
Z'aanta: Thou knowst of the dangers of hunting
Z'aanta: But looken not so glum, girl. I'll be back when two moons hath passed
H'aanit: Thou intendst to stop along the way, dost thou?
Z'aanta: Where ist the worry in that?
H'aanit: Thou hast a severe gambling addiction
Z'aanta: Ah, that
H'aanit: Thou hast better not gamble thy savings away like the last time thou went to hunt
Z'aanta: Worryen not, my dear girl, I won't do that again
H'aanit: We'll see about that
H'aanit: Hägen, looketh after Master, please
Hägen: *Wolf noises*
(Is Hägen a wolf? I have no idea)
Eliza: Hello H'aanit, have you come to see us off?
H'aanit: I have come to maken sure that Master doesn't gambleth everything away again
Eliza: Yes, it was hard to pay off those debts
Z'aanta: Why does everyone haten me so
*Present day*
H'aanit: That was one year ago
H'aanit: Master hath lied
H'aanit: And he only bothered to senden a single letter in the entire year
Z'aanta's Letter: Hello H'aanit. The hunt taketh very long for the beast we seeken, Redeye, ist being an annoying ass. We must catchen up with its annoying ass so perhaps the hunt shall taken longer than we thought. Please looken after the village for me. Z'aanta.
H'aanit: Well it seemeth Master is correct
H'aanit: This Redeye must be an annoying ass
Linde: *Snow leopard noises*
H'aanit: I knowe, Linde, I must attenden to the villagers now
---
H'aanit: Hello Headman
Headman: Hello H'aanit
H'aanit: Dost thou requiren my assistance
Headman: Not today
H'aanit: Ah I was hoping I coulde hunten something today
Headman: Ah but the youngsters aren in need of training so thou couldst do that
Headman: Thou really are thy master's prentice
Headman: Why, back in my day-
H'aanit: Yes, I knowe, I knowe
H'aanit: Thy stories are long
Headman: Oho, indeed they are
H'aanit: Anyways thank ye and farewell
---
*During the training*
H'aanit: Okay Linde go fighten the youngsters for training
Linde: *Snow leopard noises*
*Epic 1v1 battles with Linde & other creatures*
H'aanit: Okay training is over
Linde: *Happy Linde noises*
Girl: Huntress H'aanit! The headman says he must speaken with thou right away!
H'aanit: Understood
---
Headman: Hello H'aanit
Headman: I have received a request from Lord Ciaran
Headman: A beast hath strayed into his provincial forest and he asketh for our finest hunter
Headman: Which meaneth thee, of course
H'aanit: Very well, I shall do it
Lord Ciaran's Herald: Hello I am Lord Ciaran's messenger
Lord Ciaran's Herald: My apologies for the urgent matter but this beast is being an annoying ass
H'aanit: So I've heard
Lord Ciaran's Herald: This beast has strayed here from the Whisperwood
Lord Ciaran's Herald: A few men were injured by this beast, and they were the only survivors in its attack on their caravan
Lord Ciaran's Herald: Lord Ciaran's scholars concluded that this beast was a ghisarma
H'aanit: I see
H'aanit: Tellen thy lord that I shall be on my way
Lord Ciaran's Herald: Excellent!
---
*At the Whisperwood*
H'aanit: Spirits haven mercy what in the hell hast happened here
H'aanit: There aren people and wolves here
H'aanit: This ghisarma sought not food nor survival, but sport and bloodshed
Woodland wolves: *Sad wolf noises*
H'aanit: Patience, I shall attenden to the fallen soon
H'aanit: But first, to avenge them
H'aanit: Killing for sport or to showeth thy power like this is to disrupten the law of nature
H'aanit: I shall hunten the beast
---
Woodland Wolves: *Angry wolf noises*
Ghisarma: *Angry ghisarma noises*
H'aanit: Enough
H'aanit: Linde, dost thou see this bullshit
Linde: *Agreeing Linde noises*
Ghisarma: *Angry ghisarma noises*
H'aanit: I understand that thou hast been driven from thy home
*Epic boss battle time!*
H'aanit: But in the name of the forest, I shall not allowen thee to slaughter as thou please
Ghisarma: *Enraged ghisarma noises*
H'aanit: Now, comen, if thou darest
Ghisarma: *Is dead*
H'aanit: Thy life was not in vain, for thou feedest the forest
H'aanit: *Long talk about the food chain/web/cycle and how all life returns to the forest that was really insightful but I will not put here because I don't think I can physically write it all out in her dialect*
Linde: *Linde noises in agreement*
---
*Back in S'warkii*
Hägen: *Hägen noises*
H'aanit: Hägen! Thou hast returned!
H'aanit: But where is Master?
Hägen: *Frightened Hägen noises*
H'aanit: Hath something happened to him?
Hägen: *More frightened and concerned Hägen noises*
H'aanit: Easy there, boy
H'aanit: We shall go find Master and ensure he returns safely
Linde: *More agreeing Linde noises*
H'aanit: He said he hath gone to Stonegard
H'aanit: We musten search there
H'aanit: It seemeth this Redeye really is an annoying ass
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
---
Why the hell did Hägen autocorrect to Häagen-Dazs when I first typed it
Z'aanta are you gambling for ice cream or something
Special thanks to @postalninja (I hope you don't mind the mention!) for sending me her guide to H'aanit's dialect written on AO3! It helped me a lot!
People who have done H'aanit's chapter 4 can you confirm if Redeye is an annoying ass
Anyways that's everyone's chapter 1s done! Time for chapter 2s!
#h'aanit please be my ecology or biology teacher#i'd def listen to your rambles about the ways of the forest#linde dost thou see this bullshit is my favourite quote now#hunter skills are cool af#especially thunderbird because imo it's very cool looking#octopath traveler#octopath chapters badly summarised#h'aanit#octopath h'aanit#confusion tries and fails to be funny
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Therion’s Chapter 1, Badly Summarised
(In which Therion unsuccessfully tries to rob a house and gets a cool friendship bracelet out of it)
Therion: Hi my name is Therion and I have no friends
Therion: I mean I did have a friend once
Therion: His name was Darius
Therion: And he turned out to be an asshole so he's not my friend anymore
Therion: It's all fine though. I don't need friends, they disappoint me
Therion: But yeah I'm a thief and I steal things, as thieves do
Therion: I'm so good at stealing stuff that all the rich fear me
Therion: Anyways where's the nearest tavern
*At a tavern*
Therion: Hello I'll have the usual
Barkeep: Okay here you go
Thief 1: Hey did you hear about that thief who stole a bunch of stuff the other day
Thief 2: Yeah I did
Thief 1: I still can't believe he managed to get past those guards at that big fancy manor
Therion: Wow I wonder who they're talking about. It totally wasn't me who did that
Therion: Those guards were bad at their jobs anyways lmao
Thief 2: Lmao forget about 'im one day we're gonna be super cool awesome famous thieves like that guy
Thief 1: Hell yeah partner
Therion: Oh wow imagine having friends couldn't be me
*Flashback*
Ten years ago
Guard: Get in the prison cell
Young Therion: Okay but are you going to ask politely
Guard: Shut up
Young Therion: No u
Guard: *Knocks him over* Okay now get in
Young Therion: Fine damn what a temper
Young Darius: Yeah lol what a warm welcome
Young Therion: Warm welcome my ass
Young Therion: Anyways who are you
Young Darius: Doesn't matter, anyways I'm gonna try get us out with this pin I found
Young Therion: Lmao okay but do you want to try this instead
Young Darius: Wh- Holy shit that's the key. How the hell did you get the key
Young Therion: Thievery ofc how else do you think I got it
Young Darius: Aight let's get the hell outta here
Young Darius: My name's Darius btw let's be friends
Young Therion: Okay
*Present day*
Therion: Wow what a nice day to remember the past memories of actually having friends back in the day
Therion: Hey barkeep can I have another cup of this good shit
Barkeep: Sure thing
Barkeep: Btw are you after House Ravus' treasure because if you are I'd think again if I were you
Barkeep: That treasure's literally impossible to steal
Therion: Okay bet
Barkeep: No like they aren't nice to those who try to steal their stuff so I actually suggest you stay away
Therion: Fiiiiiiiiiine
---
Therion: I'm gonna go try break into the Ravus manor
Therion: Let's get to the higher mountains where the manor is first
*A session of walking stairs later*
Therion: Fuck you House Ravus why are y'all at the top of so many goddamn stairs
Therion: Anyways where was I
Therion: Lmao look at these guards I'm def gonna make it past all of them
Therion: Oh damn they have guard dogs too and wires on the walls
Guards: Hey you the Ravuses said visitors weren't allowed
Merchant: But I'm just a merchant looking to sell some stuff surely you'll let me in right
Guards: Okay then prove it
Merchant: Wait what what do I have to prove
Guards: No proof, get out
Merchant: Aw fine
Therion: Ooh so all I need to do is get some proof
Therion: That's doable
---
Merchant: Man I got turned away
Other Merchant: Same
Other Merchant: It's because of their treasure probably
Merchant: I'm not even after the goddman treasure I just wanted to sell stuf :((
Other Merchant: They say you need a letter of introduction as proof
Merchant: Aw man I don't have one
Merchant: Are you sure there's no other way?
Therion: Oh I know another way
Therion: I'll just go steal from someone with the letter
Therion: Hell yeah efficiency
---
Therion: Hm
Therion: Hey so how long to you plan to keep following me
Thieves: Damn he found us
Thieves: Hey so we heard you were after the Ravuses' treasure so we were wondering if you wanted to-
Therion: No
Thieves: But
Therion: I said that I don't need friends, they disappoint me. Now goodbye
Thieves: So you think you're better than us huh
Thief 1: Fight me
Therion: Okay bet *Punches him*
Thief 1: Ow
Thief 2: You okay mate??
Therion: Ah what a nice other moment to remind me that I have no friends
Therion: Anyways goodbye I have shit to steal
---
Wealthy Merchant: Look y'all I got a letter from House Ravus
Other Merchants: Omg a letter from House Ravus
Therion: Omg a letter from House Ravus
*One "steal" path action later*
Therion: Thanks for that buddy
Therion: Aight time to do some stealing
---
Therion: Hello guards I'm totally a merchant and I'm here to sell cool sh- I mean stuff now can you please let me in
Guards: A wealthy merchant? In these clothes?
Therion: Hey who are you to judge my attire I like these clothes thank you very much
Therion: Anyways I have a letter can you let me in now
Guards: Oh damn a letter
Therion: I can leave but I'll be sure to tell Lady Ravus about this insult to my honour-
Guards: Wait no sure you can come in
Therion: Omg tysm
---
Therion: Damn this place be full of fancy shit
Therion: Oh so this is the treasure
Therion: It just looks like a normal gemstone, not as amazing as everyone makes it seem
Heathcote: That's what you think, this gemstone is worth quite a lot
Therion: Wha- Who the hell are you?
Heathcote: I should be asking you
Heathcote: Anyways congrats on being the first thief to make it here
Therion: It's as if you wanted this to happen
Heathcote: Yeah exactly
Therion: WHAT
Heathcote: We tightened security and asked even the barkeep to spread rumours, hoping to get thieves to come here. But sadly y'all thieves were very disappointing
Heathcote: Except for you
Therion: Damn, call me a board game since y'all wanna play me 😔
Therion: Okay so what
Heathcote: My name is Heathcote, and I am a butler here
Therion: That's cool and all but I have to go now okay bye
Heathcote: No
Heathcote: Fight me
Therion: Okay fiiiine
*It's boss battle o' clock y'all*
Therion: Ha I won
Heathcote: Are you sure about that
Therion: What
Therion: What is this ugly ass friendship bracelet you snapped on me
Therion: Oh
Therion: It's the fool's bangle
Heathcote: Indeed
Heathcote: I put this on you when you weren't looking
Therion: Okay take it off
Heathcote: No
Therion: Now
Heathcote: No
Therion: Come on
Heathcote: No
Therion: Do it
Heathcote: No
Therion: Take it off
Heathcote: No
Therion: I will snap you like a twig
Heathcote: No
Therion: Just take it off
Heathcote: No
Therion: ... Please?
Heathcote: No
Therion: Fight me again
Therion: I'm ready, are you?
Heathcote: There will be no more fighting each other
Heathcote: Anyways, now we negotiate
Therion: What
Cordelia: Hello I am Cordelia Ravus and I am the lady if the house
Therion: Fuck
Cordelia: You are to help me steal these dragonstones, which are like the other one over there
Cordelia: They are a family treasure, but they were all stolen
Cordelia: This one is here only because Heathcote helped out
Heathcote: Mhm
Therion: Okay nice of you to think that I care
Cordelia: So are you helping or not
Therion: No
Heathcote: Remember, the fool's bangle...
Therion: ...
Heathcote: We'll take it off if you do it
Therion: Fuck you and your stupid ugly friendship bracelet
Therion: Alright I'll do it
Cordelia and Heathcote: Yay!
---
Therion: I can't believe you were a part of this
Barkeep: Lol I told you not to go
Therion: I'm gonna need two drinks to wash this down
*Later*
Cordelia: Okay now be safe
Heathcote: You have to go to Noblecourt to find this dragonstone
Therion: Alright
Therion: Leave the thieving to me I got this
Therion: Just remove the band afterwards and it'll all be fine
Heathcote: Alright then
Cordelia: Safe journeys!
Therion: I'll try my best to come back in one piece
Therion: Man I'm going to need a long trip to the tavern once this is all done
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
---
Ayy finished this one just in time for bedtime
Ah the thief, my favourite job class after the apothecary
Honestly Therion is such a mood sometimes
Referring to the fool's bangle as the reluctant friendship bracelet is pretty entertaining
Anyways, H'aanit is next!
... Oh gods I have to attempt her Elizabethan English shtick for it
#this was fun#therion is such a goddamn mood#no wonder he's so fun to write#anyways thanks for sticking around!#i hope y'all like this one#also notice how i put more swears in this one lol#therion is def a swear machine they just couldn't put it in game for the kids#octopath traveler#octopath chapters badly summarised#therion#octopath therion#confusion tries and fails to be funny
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Olberic's Chapter 1, Badly Summarised
(Featuring: Bestie Erhardt and the very bad, no good act of destroying an entire kingdom + Olberic's midlife crisis)
Olberic: My name is Olberic Eisenberg and I am the Unbending Blade of Hornburg
Olberic: Or, I used to be
Olberic: Here's how my entire life went downhill
*Flashback noises*
---
Eight years ago, in Hornburg
Enemy Soldier: Omg it's Olberic Eisenburg we're all doomed
Olberic: Not to sound like I'm bragging but you're definitely screwed
Enemy Soldiers: Well we have strength in numbers so there's that
Enemy Soldiers: Have fun dying lol
Knights of Hornburg: Are you sure about that
Enemy Soldiers: Oh crap okay y'all let's retreat
Olberic: I worry for His Majesty, I must make for his camp at once
Knights of Hornburg: He's already well guarded but sure go ahead
Olberic: Well true I mean Sir Erhardt is by his side so it should be fine
Olberic: Anyways I should go just in case
*At the King's camp*
Olberic: Oh no all the King's guards are dead
Olberic: Well guarded my ass
Olberic: ERHARDT WHERE ARE YOU
*Meanwhile, with the King*
King Alfred: So it was you
Erhardt:
Olberic: ERHARDT
Olberic: What are you doing
Erhardt: *Kills King Alfred*
Olberic: Erhardt how could you
Olberic: My friend
Olberic: My brother in arms
Olberic: My comrade
Olberic: My bestie
Erhardt: Olberic where in the gods' names did you learn that word
Olberic: Well where in the gods' names did you learn to kill the king
Erhardt: Touché
Erhardt: Either way your efforts are useless because I killed the king and the king is very dead
Olberic: Fight me
Erhardt: I know your every move, I can easily strike you down
Olberic: Well same here
Erhardt: Are you sure about that
*Insert Erhardt's super cool signature move that he supposedly saved just for this moment*
---
Olberic: I always have this dream
Olberic: I hate this dream
Olberic: Anyways I live in Cobbleston now and I call myself Berg
Olberic: Stop judging me let me have my midlife crisis in peace okay
Olberic: I know you're there Philip
Philip: Oh goddangit
Olberic: As a knight, I must be alert at all times
Olberic: But I'm no longer a knight, just a man with a sword and no purpose in this miserable world
Philip: But Sir Berg I still think you're very cool :D
Olberic: Thank you Philip
Philip: Anyways the headman's looking for you so there's that
Olberic: Alright I'll get going then
---
Village Headman: Hello Berg
Olberic: Hello Sir
Village Headman: So there are bandits in the hills and I was wondering if you could help us
Olberic: Sure
Village Headman: In the meantime, would it be alright if you helped train the men
Olberic: Consider it done
Philip's Mother: Also would it be alright if Philip joined the training
Olberic: I don't see why not
Village Headman: Ah, what a bright boy, that Philip
Philip's Mother: It has been hard times for us both when we lost his father in the war
Olberic: Well then, I'll train him well
Olberic: Even if he's just a kid that's like half my height
Olberic: But I'll do it
---
*Insert sparring session, which consists of Olberic challenging the watchmen to duels*
Not a part of the story, but Olberic's Challenge (and H'aanit's Provoke as well) are really goddamn fun. Nothing like running around challenging/provoking every villager you meet until there is not a conscious person in town.
That's precisely what I did in the village of Orewell in the Clifflands. Whoops.
---
Olberic: You two have your own weaknesses, but if you fight side by side, you'd be able to compliment each other
Watchman 1: Side by side, eh? What do you say, friend?
Watchman 2: Indeed, my friend!
Olberic: Reminds me of Erhardt and I back in the day
Olberic: Ah, another day, another thing that reminds me of my sad and miserable past
Olberic: What a lovely way to start out the morning
Olberic: I mean what
Philip: Ooh Sir can you fight me next?
Olberic: Philip we need to work on your form first
Philip: Aww
Olberic: If you do the drills I told you to, you'll be able to be sparring in no time
Philip: Yay!
Philip: My mother's been raising me on my own every since my father died in the war
Philip: If I keep training, I'll be able to protect her and the village one day!
Olberic: That's... nice
Olberic: I had someone to protect once too
Olberic: But he's dead now
Olberic: I mean what
Villager: HELP WE'RE UNDER ATTACK FROM THE BRIGANDS FROM THE HILLS
Olberic: Oh crap I'd better go help
---
Brigands: Lmao this is going to be so easy
Watchmen: Are you sure about that
Brigands: Oh what they actually know how to fight
Olberic: Good job you guys now it's my turn
Brigands: Oh lol it's just a hedge knight dw y'all we can take him
Olberic: Are you sure about that
*Insert scene where you get to freaking fight the brigands hell yeah*
Brigands: Oh damn he stronk
Brigands: You'll be a dead man when our boss hears about this
Philip's Mother: HELP PHILIP'S GETTING ABDUCTED
Olberic: WHAT
---
Philip's Mother: They took Philip!
Captain of the Watch: There were so many, I couldn't stop them!
Watchmen: We have to do something!
Olberic: If we go, we'd be playing into their hands and there'd be no one to protect the village
Olberic: Y'know what screw this I'll go alone
Everyone: But Berg-
Olberic: I said I'd do it
Village Headman: Alright then you can go do it
Olberic: Okay bye y'all I have a child to save
---
Brigands: Lol it's the hedge knight again
Olberic: Give Philip back right now or I'll gut you like a fish
Brigands: Lmao as if
*One fight later*
Brigands: Oh damn he stronk
Olberic: I hope Philip's alright
---
*In the Brigands' den*
Philip: Sir Berg is very strong! He's stronger than all of you combined
Brigands: LMAO
Brigands: Oh sure this hedge knight is the strongest soldier in the realm HAHAHAHA as if
*Foreshadowing*
Brigands: Lmao he's crazy if he thinks he can take on all of us
Philip: Sir Berg will cut you all down!
Brigands: Lol Berg what a funny name
Gaston (Brigands Leader): Oi shut up y'all
Gaston: This boy has bigger guts than you lot
Brigands: Lol there's no way this Berg guy is gonna show
Olberic: Greetings
Brigands: Oh shit
Brigands: Y'all I thought we had lookouts where are they
Olberic: Oh no they're totally not the men I just cut down
Brigands: We're screwed
Gaston: Nah lol I can cut this hedge knight down
Olberic: *Blocks Gaston's blow*
Brigands: Oh damn he stronk can't believe he blocked the boss' blow
Olberic: Your blade...
Gaston: Oh this old thing? 'Twas a present from a friend
Olberic: That's my bestie Erhardt's blade! Damn I didn't know you two knew each other
Olberic: Anyways thanks for giving me the motivation to stab you harder
Gaston: Lmao idk what happened between you and Erhardt but if you want to ask me questions you'll have to-
Olberic: Fight me
*Epic boss battle, go!*
Olberic: I have won
Gaston: Oh damn he stronk
Gaston: Can't believe you managed to beat me
Olberic: Yeah that's because mY BLADE IS UNBENDING-
Olberic: Anyways spill the tea how do you know Erhardt
Gaston: We were mercenaries together but idk where the hell he went now when our group disbanded
Gaston: But anyways there's this dude call Sir Gustav or the Black Knight who might know where Erhardt went
Gaston: He lives in Victors' Hollow btw
Olberic: Okay ty
Watchmen: The village is safe Berg, we're gonna lock the brigands up now
Gaston: Berg... OH!! EISENBERG! As in Olberic Eisenberg the Unbending Blade
Gaston: No wonder your eyes lit up like that when you saw Erhardt's blade
Gaston: Still can't believe you got Berg out of that lmao smh
Olberic: Don't judge me I'm having my midlife crisis
Everyone else: Omg Olberic Eisenberg
Brigand: Holy crap I thought they said you died when Hornburg fell
Olberic: Yes indeed I look very very dead right now
Philip: Wait you're actually a real knight??
Olberic: I was, a long time ago
Olberic: Alright let's go now, we've kept your mother waiting
---
*Later*
Olberic: Okay that's settled I'm gonna go hunt Erhardt down now
Olberic: That also gives me the excuse to wear these swanky blue duds again
Olberic: Nice
Olberic: Goodbye village people
Village People: Goodbye Sir Berg- I mean Sir Olberic
Village People: Thank you for helping us
Olberic: Anyways, now I must-
Philip: *Comes out of nowhere and bonks him with presumably a wooden sword because an actual sword would probably have killed Olberic*
Village People: *Gasp*
Olberic: Ow
Olberic: It seems you're getting stronger
Philip: Sir, when you come back, I'll be strong enough to protect this village!
Olberic: Indeed. I'll be back, you have my word
Philip: Yeah you'd better!
Olberic: Alright now I must go
Olberic: To find my ✨bestie✨
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
---
Everyone @ Olberic in this chapter: Oh damn he stronk
Somehow I came to the conclusion that making Olberic call Erhardt bestie was the funniest thing in my entire tumblr posting career thing
Oh boy am I badly mistaken
Anyways my break ends tomorrow and I have to go to school but I look forward to working on more of these
Next up, Primrose's chapter 1!
#halfway through the chapter 1s woo#sometimes i start out with an idea on how to retell a scene#and i think it's funny#and it ends up not being funny anymore#why am i like this#bestie erhardt no#rip hornburg you will be missed#octopath traveler#octopath chapters badly summarised#olberic eisenberg#octopath olberic#confusion tries and fails to be funny
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Cyrus' Chapter 1, Badly Summarised
(I have holiday homework to do but it can wait so let's do this y'all)
Cyrus: Hi my name is Cyrus Albright and I’m a scholar
Cyrus: I teach at the Royal Academy because that’s my job
Cyrus: Hello students let me tell you about the history of Atlasdam
Cyrus: It’s very old and very cool
Cyrus: But do you know what else is very old and very cool??
Cyrus: Therese, can you tell me the name of this city?
Therese: Uhhh...
Cyrus: It’s okay you don’t have to get all flustered because you don’t know an answer, you can just look it up in your book
(We stan positive teacher energy, y’all heard the man it’s okay to not know an answer to a question)
Therese: Oh okay I found it it’s called Hornburg
Cyrus: Good job! Now about Hornburg, *yadda yadda yadda teacher lecture thing* okay now Your Highness can you tell me how many clans lived in the Flatlands at the time of Atlasdam’s founding
Princess Mary: Back in those days, there were eight clans which lived in the Flatlands.
(Full sentence answer too. You go girl)
Cyrus: Correct! Now- *insert more teacher lecture because I’m not summarising his entire lecture*
Cyrus: Oh would you look at the time, class is over remember to read these chapters before the next lesson okay bye
---
Guard: Hello Professor I have a letter that says you’ve been allowed access into the Academy’s special archives
Cyrus: How splendid! It is an honour to finally be given the permission to see these archives
Cyrus: *internally* Finally it’s reading time I’m gonna read every single book inside that freaking archive right now
Therese: Oh damn there’s Professor Albright I’m gonna hide behind this staircase and wait til he comes down to I can talk to him
Princess Mary: Oh hello Professor Albright
Therese: Goddammit
Princess Mary: I’d like to ask some questions about today’s lecture
Cyrus: Oh of course! Please make it quick though I have to go speedrun the special archives
*Insert academic talk about Hornburg here*
Therese: Aw I suppose I could talk to him another time
Cyrus: Oh hello there Therese did you have a question for me as well
Therese: Oh uhh no Professor 0-0 *runs tf out*
Cyrus: ??? Ah kids these days
---
*At the library because hell yeah reading*
Cyrus: Hello Mercedes is it okay if I check out a book
Mercedes: Sure! Alright have fun reading
*In the special archives*
Cyrus: Oh no the book I wanted to read isn’t here
Cyrus: Where is it
Mercedes: Professor the Headmaster wants to see you
Cyrus: Aw alright but I think the book I mentioned before has gone missing could you take a look at that for me
Mercedes: Sure thing
---
*At the headmaster’s office*
Cyrus: Hello Headmaster Yvon
Headmaster Yvon: Cyrus what in the gods’ names were you thinking when you published that treatise
Cyrus: What
Headmaster Yvon: You cited one of the texts in the special archives
Cyrus: Why of course I did because academic dishonesty is very very bad
Headmaster Yvon: The texts in the archive are very important to us and I will not have you spreading its knowledge around like this
Cyrus: Sir with all due respect this is a school that’s what we do
Headmaster Yvon: Cyrus stfu
Cyrus: Okay fine I’m sorry it won’t happen again
Headmaster Yvon: Also I heard that the special archives were closing early today so do your research quickly if you need to
Cyrus: Headmaster why do you hate me
---
*Some time later*
Therese: Hello Headmaster
Headmaster Yvon: Hello Therese
Therese: There’s something I need to tell you
*Insert suspicious vibes here*
---
*Back at the archives*
Mercedes: Hello Professor I could not find the tome
Cyrus: Maybe it was stolen
Mercedes: Professor there’s no way anyone could take a book out of these archives because that’s strictly forbidden
Cyrus: Seems like we have a mystery on our hands
Mercedes: You know what fine I won’t stand in your way of this since you seem very determined
Cyrus: Alright now it’s ✨detective time✨
---
*The scrutinising begins*
(Amongst a bunch of other people, Cyrus encounters a scholar called Russell)
Russell: Hi my name’s Russell I don’t have a key but ngl I understand why someone would steal a book it is worth a lot of value after all. I myself am in debt so I’d be pretty desperate. Not saying I did it though
Cyrus: Okay
*A session of scrutinising later*
Cyrus: It all makes sense now. See, only two people have the keys to the special archives: the headmaster and the guardsmen. The headmaster stated that he hasn’t been to the archives, and by the looks of it, the key was covered in dust. This shows that the key hasn’t been used in a long time. Due to this information, we can conclude that it was the guard’s key that was used to access the special archives during this theft. Besides, the guard guarding the library has been sleeping on duty, which is most suspicious and would allow someone to take the key.
Cyrus: But the culprit cannot be the guard because he has no further motif. Someone who would do this would be someone who knows the true value of the tome they stole. So it would be a scholar such as myself.
Cyrus: And someone who is very much in need of what the tome holds...
Cyrus: Alright so according to my conclusions Russell is sus
Cyrus: So people have been saying that Russell does his experiments underground now
Cyrus: Oh look it’s an entrance to what seems like an underground lab
---
*In the underground lab*
Cyrus: RUSSELL
Russell: Oh damn it’s Professor Albright
Russell: Can you please leave and mind your own business
Cyrus: Sorry I would’ve knocked but you didn’t have a door
Cyrus: Anyways I believe you heard that a tome was stolen from the special archives
Russell: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Cyrus: I literally scrutinised you earlier
Russell: Oh fu-
Cyrus: Now now, we can all go back to the Academy and talk about this-
Russell: Fight me
Cyrus: What
*Insert epic boss fight here*
Cyrus: Oh it seems we’ve won
Russell: I just wanted to sell the book please I’m broke
Cyrus: You steal knowledge when you call yourself a scholar. Quite disappointing
---
*Back at the archives*
Mercedes: Oh hey Cyrus you did it
Mercedes: Russell confessed to the rest of his crimes so we can just go and buy the books that he stole back
Cyrus: Say, this other missing book called From the Far Reaches of Hell-
*Lightning strikes and thunder sounds ominously in the distance because special effects*
Mercedes: Oh lol Russell didn’t steal that one it’s been gone for 15 years
Cyrus: 15 YEARS?? Oh damn we have to find it-
Headmaster’s Assistant: Professor Albright the Headmaster would like to see you at once
Cyrus: Yeah at this point I actually think he hates me
---
*At the headmaster’s office*
Headmaster Yvon: Hello Cyrus so we received a report that you were having an affair with the Princess
Cyrus: I’m sorry WHAT
(To be clear, he was not, it was just a rumour)
Cyrus: Headmaster please tell me you don’t actually believe this
Headmaster Yvon: I want to believe you but you know rumours like these can pose of great danger to both your reputation and the reputation of Her Highness the Princess
Headmaster’s Assistant (Lucia): What if we just put him on extended leave and say he’s doing fieldwork somewhere else
Headmaster Yvon: This way both the Academy and your reputation will remain intact
Cyrus: With all due respect- Wait actually I could roll with this because of the missing book
Cyrus: Good day to you all I must embark on a journey
Headmaster Yvon and Lucia: Wait what
---
*Outside the Academy*
Therese: Professor!
Cyrus: Oh hello Therese
Therese: Holy crap Professor I heard you were leaving I’m so sorry-
Cyrus: Oh so you spread that rumour
Therese: You were just spending so much time with the Princess and I wanted you to pay more attention to me but I didn’t think things would escalate like this I’m so sorry-
Cyrus: Actually you don’t need to worry too much about me leaving I was just about to go on a journey
Cyrus: Besides, this is partially my fault. I should have realised your true intentions earlier...
Therese: Wh- Professor?
Cyrus: I should’ve noticed how devoted you were to your studies!
Therese: 👁👄👁
Cyrus: *Insert long talk about how he strives to treat all his students equally and that it wasn’t his intention to neglect his other students*
Therese: Y’know what maybe you aren’t as smart as I thought you were
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK
---
I think I might have made this one a bit longer than Ophilia's one whoops
They were all supposed to be the same length
#i spent way too long on this#but that's fine#these things are fun anyways#hell yeah knowledge#octopath traveler#octopath chapters badly summarised#cyrus albright#octopath cyrus#confusion tries and fails to be funny
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Alfyn’s Chapter 1, Badly Summarised
(Today on the Amazing Adventures of Medicine Man: Alfyn stabs a snake)
Alfyn: Hi, I'm Alfyn Greengrass, and I'm an apothecary
Alfyn: I live in a village called Clearbrook in the Riverlands
Alfyn: Oh and this is my best friend Zeph
Zeph: Hi
Alfyn: Okay back to apothecary stuff now
Alfyn: Here you go, mister!
Old Man: Thank you Alfyn
Granddaughter: Thank you Alfyn
Granddaughter: Here, we don’t have much but take this money
Alfyn: Oh no, you keep that money and go buy some food or something, you don’t have to pay me for this
Alfyn: I’ll brb I have to visit the cemetery rn
---
*At the cemetery*
Alfyn: *To tombstone* Hi Ma
Alfyn: Can’t believe it’s been a year already
Alfyn: Do you think I’m getting closer to the man I want to be?
Zeph: Hey Alfyn!
Alfyn: Zeph! :D
Zeph: Today wasn’t as busy, thanks to you of course
Zeph: But I wish I could convince you to stop giving out discounts
Alfyn: Aw, but-
Zeph: Alf do I need to send you to business class or something
(That’s what Tressa’s for :D)
Zeph: A 100% discount is a bit too much don’tcha think
Alfyn: Oh, yeah about that-
Zeph: Aw don’t worry about it, I was just teasing you
Alfyn: Oh
Zeph: We may be new to this whole apothecary schtick, but I’d say we got this whole village covered
Alfyn: Yeah! Plagues and epidemics, bring your worst!
Zeph: Alf I don’t think you want to jinx us like that
Alfyn: Okay I take that back
Zeph: Anyways I have to head home to Nina now
Alfyn: Alright then
Zeph: Something’s on your mind, right?
Alfyn: ...!
Zeph: Whatever it is, y’know you can-
Villager: ZEPH THIS IS TERRIBLE NEWS THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR SISTER
Zeph: WHAT
Alfyn: WHAT
---
*At Zeph’s home*
Zeph: Oh no those look like bite marks
Alfyn: Yeah they’re definitely bite marks
Alfyn: She’s fallen into a trance too, this is worse than we thought
Zeph: You can say that again
Zeph: Man, I can’t lose Nina, she’s the only family I have left
Zeph: We can assume for now that she was bitten by something poisonous
Alfyn: Or venomous. What’s the difference anyways?
Zeph: The heck if I know, the point is it’s bad
Alfyn: And the wrong medicine could make it worse since we don’t know what the poison does
Zeph: AH GODDAMMIT IF I FIND THE BEAST WHO DID THIS TO NINA I’M GONNA BEAT THAT MOTHERFU-
Zeph: Wait
Alfyn: Zeph it’s okay you can swear in front of me
Zeph: No I can’t I don’t swear in front of kids
Alfyn: I’m 21 and so are you
Zeph: That doesn’t change anything
Zeph: I don’t swear in front of kids or you
Alfyn: Anyways I’ll go ask around town and see if anyone saw anything
---
*In the village*
Alfyn: Hi Lily
Alfyn: I know you’re friends with Nina
Alfyn: So do you perhaps know what bit her?
Lily: ...
Alfyn: I’m sorry but I can’t do anything to help if I don’t know what happened
Lily: Uh...
Lily: So Nina wanted to go pick waterblooms for her brother so I went with her to that cave and then all of a sudden there was this big snake and it just came out of nowhere out of the bushes and it was amber with these blotches on its back and it bit Nina and I’m sorry because I know we weren’t going to go there but Nina wanted it to be a surprise so I didn’t want to tell you because it was going to be a surprise and-
Alfyn: Holy crap it was a blotted viper
Alfyn: It’s okay Lily, Alfyn will go beat up the scary snake for you and Nina
---
*Back at Zeph’s house*
Zeph: A blotted viper???
Zeph: Oh my gods what do we do now
Zeph: I have to go make an antidote now but I’ll need the original venom
Alfyn: I thought you said it was poison not venom
Zeph: Nobody cares the point is it hurts people and Nina’s dying as we speak
Zeph: I’ll go, take care of Nina for me
Alfyn: No
Zeph: What
Alfyn: You go take care of Nina, I’ll go get the venom
Zeph: ALFYN ARE YOU MAD??? I’m not letting you die too wtf
Alfyn: No, Nina needs you. You go take care of her. I’m going to go
Zeph: But-
Nina: ... Zeph?
Zeph: My gods
Zeph: It’s okay Nina I’m here
Nina: ... Can you hold my hand?
Alfyn: I told you so
Alfyn: Okay bye I have a date with this viper in a bit so see y’all later
(No he actually says “and so I have a date with this viper” when you talk to him when you’re collecting the travelers and after you hear his tale and I just could not leave it out)
---
*At the Cave of Rhiyo*
Alfyn: Alright now I have to find one of those vipers
Alfyn: How does one track down a blotted viper
Alfyn: *Ahem*
Aflyn: Here snakey snakey snake, here snakey snakey!
Blotted Viper: Hsssssss (Presumably “’sup bitch” in snake language)
Alfyn: Oh hey it worked
Alfyn: Hey so sorry to drop in unannounced but could I pretty please have some venom
Alfyn: Or poison
Alfyn: Whatever it is of yours that kills people
Blotted Viper: Hsssssssssss (Presumably “gtfo” in snake language)
Alfyn: Please?
Blotted Viper: HSSSSS (Presumable “no get out or I’ll eat you” in snake language)
Alfyn: Ah shucks, I suppose we gotta do this the hard way
Alfyn: Well then, I’m a healer, but...
*1v1 (More like 4v3), Alfyn vs Blotted Viper, round one, FIGHT!*
Alfyn: Oh yay I’m alive
Alfyn: I mean
Alfyn: Whoops, my hand slipped
Alfyn: Thanks for the venom, my snakey friend
Alfyn: Alright, let’s go back
---
*Back at Zeph’s house*
Nina: Ow :((
Zeph: Don’t worry Nina, it’ll be okay
Zeph: Alf will be back soon
Alfyn: AYO ALFYN IN DA HOUSE
Alfyn: I mean
Alfyn: Hey guys? Did ya miss me? :D
Zeph: You’re back! In one piece too
Zeph: I can’t believe you actually did it
Alfyn: I trust you can handle it from here
Zeph: I’ll get to work then!
Alfyn: Okay!
Alfyn: I’m gonna go take a rest
*One nice nap later*
Alfyn: I wonder how Zeph’s doing
Alfyn: He should be fine
Alfyn: *Sigh*
Alfyn: Sometimes I feel like I’m still so far away from being the man I want to be
Alfyn: This place... it needs me. I should stay here
Alfyn: But not here on this bridge lol I should go see how Zeph’s doing
Zeph: ALFYN BY THE GODS IT WORKED! NINA’S FEELING BETTER NOW! IT ACTUALLY WORKED HOLY SHI-
Zeph: I mean
Alfyn: AYYYYYYY I knew you could do it
Zeph: Thank you Alfyn. For everything
Zeph: I owe you so much
Alfyn: Nah, don’t mention it. I just helped out someone in a bind, simple as that
Zeph: Ah, those words bring back memories
Zeph: I still remember when the Great Pestilence came, and Father, who could cure every disease known to man, couldn’t help
Zeph: And then, we were all saved by a traveler who brought an elixir that no one here had ever seen before
*Flashback*
Mysterious Traveler: There you go, that should be better
Young Alfyn: Thanks a lot mister, but why’d you help us?
Young Alfyn: We don’t have a lot of money
Mysterious Traveler: I simply saw someone in a bind, and I helped him out. Simple as that
Mysterious Traveler: In other words, I just helped you because I could
Young Alfyn: Shucks mister, I want to do that one day too
Mysterious Traveler: Now go on and enjoy your life. The Great Pestilence ain’t a good way to go
*Present day*
Zeph: And ever since that day, you worked hard to be just like that traveler
Alfyn: Uh huh
Zeph: We’ve been friends since forever. I can tell you want to go, travel the world and help all those people out there
Alfyn: Ah, that
Alfyn: That would be nice, but even if you are an extremely skilled apothecary, I can’t leave you to look after this whole village on your own
Zeph: Don’t worry about it, you can count on me. I’ll see that everyone’s happy and healthy if it’s the last thing I do
Zeph: Now, go out there Alf, and see the world
Alfyn: Aw shucks, Zeph... 🥺
---
*The next morning, at the cemetery*
Alfyn: *To tombstone* Hey Ma, guess what? I’m going on a journey to explore the world and help people!
Alfyn: I’m going to be just like that man
Alfyn: Watch over me, will ya?
Zeph: Alf! There you are!
Alfyn: Hey Zeph!
Zeph: Here, take my satchel. As a going-away gift. That way, I’ll be with you as you travel
Alfyn: Thanks a lot Zeph. I promise I’ll take good care of it
Alfyn: Actually, why don’t you take mine too? Apothecary satchel trade?
Zeph: Apothecary satchel trade!
Alfyn: Alright then, goodbye now
Zeph: Stay safe
Alfyn: Well then
Alfyn: Onwards, to see the world!
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK
---
I’m like 80% sure Alfyn doesn’t know how to do business but that’s alright because he gets to help people anyways
So far we have Tressa and Alfyn on the “characters you should not let swear/say swears in front of” list. Who else belongs there? Ophilia maybe? Although I’m thinking Tressa might have a development arc at some point where she starts swearing at everyone and everything lmao
I’m trying to put little jokes in these so they aren’t just bad summaries but I’m not sure if that’s working. If anyone finds these little jokes funny, then thanks I guess
Next up, to the Clifflands! It’s edgy thief time y’all
#if i became an apothecary would anyone trade satchels with me#haha jk lol... unless??#thanks for sticking around and reading these y'all#i really appreciate it :D#apothecary's probably one of my favourite jobs ngl#also alfyn's concoct thing is just really cool okay#man i wish i could do that#octopath traveler#octopath chapters badly summarised#alfyn greengrass#octopath alfyn#confusion tries and fails to be funny
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Primrose’s Chapter 1, Badly Summarised
(CW: This chapter contains mentions of abuse because Primrose’s boss is an asshole, read at your own risk!)
Primrose: Hello, I’m Primrose Azelhart
Primrose: I was from a noble family, and everything was good
Primrose: Until these three assholes with crow tattoos killed my father
Primrose: Now, I dance at taverns in Sunshade, and my boss Master Helgenish is an ass
Primrose: But I'm sure everything will be fine and I'll get my revenge on the three assholes soon
*Flashback to Ten Years Ago*
Murderers: You've been picking your nose into the wrong business
Murderers: What do you have to say for yourself
Geoffrey Azelhart (Primrose's Father): I have no regrets
Murderers: Now perish
Murderers: *Kills Geoffrey Azelhart*
Young Primrose: *Gasp*
*Present Day*
Primrose: One of them had the crow mark on his left arm, the other on his right, and the last on his neck
Primrose: I have come here because I heard that one of those three visits the tavern often
Primrose: I Will Murder Them All
Dancer: It must be nice to be the master's favourite Primrose
Primrose: Actually not really because he's an ass
Dancer: Lol doesn't matter you're just a dancer anyways
Helgenish: Y'all what are you doing just chit chatting here go outside and dance already
Helgenish: People are waiting for the opening act now GO GO GO
Dancers: Yes master
Helgenish: Wow y'all useless
Helgenish: Not you though Primrose you're the only one I can rely on
Helgenish: You know we've been getting a lot more money ever since you joined us
Helgenish: That's all thanks to me for getting you to this stage though, I taught you everything you know
Primrose: -_-
Helgenish: Hey what happened to your sweet smile *slaps her*
Primrose: *Internally* There is nothing to smile about in my life
Helgenish: *Insert long rant about how he thinks Primrose owes him for all the success because he took her in and that she had better repay him*
Primrose: Okay but have you considered that maybe I helped myself get better at dancing and didn't rely entirely on you therefore I don't actually owe you that much-
Helgenish: What did you say
Primrose: Nothing
Helgenish: Okay now go dance
---
*At the Tavern*
Stagehand: Okay are you ready
Primrose: I am ready
Stagehand: Okay it's your cue
Primrose: *Dances*
Customers: Omg she's so cool and very pretty
Stagehand: Primrose looks like you broke your sandals you should go to the dormitory and fetch another pair
Primrose: Okay if you say so
*On the way to the dormitory*
Girl: Papa when I grow up I want to be a dancer!
Father: Sweetheart you shouldn't say things like that here
Girl: Aw but why
Girl: *Sees Primrose* Omg look at her she's so pretty
Primrose: Hello there child
Father: Come on now we should go
---
*At the dormitory*
Primrose: Ow my foot
Dancers: Lmao did poor wittle Primrose get a blister from her sandals from dancing
Yusufa: Are you alright Primrose?
Primrose: Nothing too bad
Yusufa: *To the other dancers* Hey we should all stop picking on each other
Yusufa: Did you forget that our master is an asshole and does terrible things to the girls that displease him
Dancers: Don't remind us!
Yusufa: Then maybe we shouldn't pick on one of our own!
Primrose: Yusufa it's fine you don't need to stand up for me like that
Helgenish: Hey what are y'all doing stop standing around and go dance already
Helgenish: Not you Primrose you stay behind
*The others leave*
Helgenish: Primrose what was that sorry show you gave today
Primrose: Almost as sorry as your stupid ass- I mean what
Helgenish: You weren't focusing on your dance today
Primrose: Sorry Master I was just thinking of murder- I mean the day I met you and how much I owe you this will not happen again
Helgenish: Okay now go
---
*Outside*
Yusufa: Great show Primrose!
Primrose: What
Yusufa: He really is a stupid ass, it's amazing how you still manage to mouth the word "Master" when he's like that
Yusufa: Anyways how's your foot
Yusufa: Here, have my handkerchief to help
Primrose: Okay then
*At the tavern*
Mysterious Man: Alright I'll take my leave then
Primrose: Omg who's that
Primrose: Seems kinda... sus
Primrose: Holy crap that's a crow mark on his left arm
Primrose: Hell yeah murder time
Mysterious Man: *Leaves*
Primrose: I have to follow him
Helgenish: No
Primrose: What
Helgenish: Go do your job
Primrose: Ugh fine
Yusufa: Pst hey Primrose wanna sneak out
Yusufa: You go, I'll keep watch here
Primrose: But Yusufa-
Yusufa: I'll always be by your side, now go on and do whatever you wanted to do!
Primrose: Yusufa... 🥺
Primrose: Thank you Yusufa *Leaves*
---
Left Hand Man: So you will bring the women I need
Helgenish: Yes m'lord
Left Hand Man: Here's a map with the location
Primrose: Holy shit I need that map
Helgenish: Yes m'lord I won't disappoint you
Left Hand Man: You'd better not *Leaves*
Primrose: I have to follow him!
---
*At Sunshade Catacombs*
Primrose: Where is that guy
Helgenish: And where do you think you're going?
Primrose: Shit
Helgenish: I found you all thanks to your little friend here
Helgenish: She wouldn't talk, but my boys got her to talk
Yusufa: Prim... I'm so sorry
Helgenish: Anyways this was fun and all but I have to punish her now
Helgenish: *Stabs Yusufa and throws her off the cliff platform thing that he stands on*
Primrose: YUSUFA NO!
Yusufa: I've never heard you shout like that, Prim...
Primrose: Yusufa now's not the time for that
Yusufa: Hey Prim... Are we friends...?
Yusufa: Everyone was... cruel... And I was alone...
Yusufa: But you... were different
Primrose: ... Yusufa-
Yusufa: Prim... Were we... friends?
Primrose: ... Yes, we were. We were friends
Yusufa: I'm happy... that I'm not alone... anymore... *Dies*
Primrose: Yusufa!
Helgenish: Finally she's dead
Helgenish: That took so long I thought I'd fall asleep
Primrose: Stfu you sick asshole you have no right to talk about her like that
Helgenish: How dare you talk to me like that
Primrose: You didn't teach me everything! I got where I was on my own, with my own two feet and my own strong mind and my own heart. I-
Helgenish: You still owe me, you stupid-
Primrose: -Shut up I'm not done talking! I've been waiting endlessly for the day I saw that man, and I endured everything for this day. I will not let him slip away, and I will dance on your stage anymore. My time has come.
Helgenish: You still belong to me and I expect you to behave
Helgenish: Now I'm giving you one chance to say the right words, and if you do I'll let you live
Primrose: I only have five words for you, Master
Primrose: Fuck you
Primrose: Die
Primrose: Fight me
*An epic boss battle, for vengeance!*
Helgenish: Urk
Helgenish: Primrose... Won't you dance one last time for me?
Primrose: No
Helgenish: Then perish
Primrose: I think not
Helgenish: *Dies*
Primrose: I'll take that map of yours, thank you
Primrose: Ah, Stillsnow. I should pack warmer clothes for this
Primrose: Goodbye, Master
---
*On the way out*
Primrose: Yusufa...
Primrose: We're finally free
Primrose: And now, to Stillsnow
Primrose: For Revenge
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
---
This story was so sad I couldn't make it funny
Yusufa deserved better :((
Helgenish is such an ass so I think the "fuck you" from Primrose was well deserved
Don't worry Primrose, the memory of Yusufa will forever live in our hearts
And next, a slightly less depressing chapter documenting the Amazing Adventures of Medicine Man
#primrose my beloved it's alright the bad things will go away#once again#yusufa deserved better#actually all the dancers deserved better#my gosh i feel bad for all of them#octopath traveler#octopath chapters badly summarised#primrose azelhart#octopath primrose#confusion tries and fails to be funny#except it's not actually funny#because this chapter is sad as hell
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Tressa’s Chapter 1, Badly Summarised
(Aka: If you rob me I'll kick your ass)
Tressa: Hi my name’s Tressa Colzione and I’m a merchant
Tressa: One day, I'm gonna explore the world!
Tressa: Good morning parents
Tressa's Parents (Olneo & Marina): Good morning Tressa
Tressa: Aight let's do some store stuff y'all I'm gonna go out and stock these shelves
Olneo: Hold on young lady, now do you remember what the three things a merchant needs most are-
Tressa: They need to be smiley, mannerly, and early obviously!
Marina: And they need to look out for pirates causing trouble around the taverns
Tressa: Ma that's four things
Olneo: And they need to look out for pirates causing trouble around the taverns
Tressa: Okay f i n e aight goodbye now!!
Tressa's Parents: Goodbye Tressa!! ^^
*After Tressa leaves*
Olneo: Ah, youngsters
Olneo: Y'know, back in my day, when I was her age-
---
Fisherman: Hello Tressa! Here's today's catch
Tressa: Ooh nice I'll pay you this much for it
Fisherman: Lmao this fish is worth a bit more
Tressa: Oh
Tressa: Well I mean... I was going to ignore the damage your hooks did to the fish's guts-
Fisherman: Alright fine I'll take the cash
Tressa: Yippee!
Fisherman: Can't believe I just lost a debate with an 18 year old lol gj kid
*Elsewhere*
Tressa: Hi I need to buy some wine
Beverage Vendor: Aren't you a bit too young to be-
Tressa: It's for my parents' store
Beverage Vendor: Okay but-
Tressa: Hey I'm 18 that's old enough to drink wine in a lot of places
Beverage Vendor: Alright but do you have an ID
Tressa: I don't think we have IDs in this game
Beverage Vendor: What
Tressa: What
*TV static noises*
---
Tressa: Ayy we got it done
Tressa: Man I wish I could explore elsewhere
Tressa: But I've gotta stay here in Rippletide. If I don't take over my parents' shop, no one's going to. Sometimes I wonder if I do have opportunities elsewhere. Maybe there's a whole other life out there, just waiting to be explored! But I don't know. What do I really want? What do I want in life? What's really out there? *sigh*
Tressa: The ocean sure looks big
Tressa: That's a big ship that's coming into the harbour
Tressa: Wait a minute I haven't seen that ship around here before
Tressa: Holy crap that's a real nice ship
Captain: Hello there lass I'm the captain of this ship
Tressa: Hi I'm Tressa and you have a really neat ship say do you mind if I take a peak at what's on board
Captain: Sorry but I only allow those I trust on board
Tressa: Aw man
*Loud noises in the distance*
Tressa: Omg what was that I'd better go check that out
Tressa: *Runs off*
Captain: Ah, kids these days
---
Mikk: Hi I'm Mikk
Makk: Hi I'm Makk
Mikk and Makk: And we're here to rob your stuff!
Mikk: I'm obviously the captain because I'm so cool
Makk: Lmao no I'm the captain you're just the first mate
Mikk and Makk: Fight me
Pirate Lackey: Y'all chill
Mikk and Makk: Alright let's continue robbing people
Tressa: No
Mikk: Says who?
Tressa: Says me
Makk: Oh it's just a little girl lol
Tressa: Little girl my ass I'm 18
Mikk: Is she allowed to say "ass"
Makk: Beats me
Mikk: Omg is that wine
Mikk: *Steals the wine from Tressa*
Tressa: Hey I bought that with my own money!
Makk: You don't even look old enough to drink lol
Tressa: Fight me
Captain: Lass, no
Tressa: Aw but-
Captain: They won't listen to reason, just let them be
Mikk and Makk: Yeah lol okay now goodbye y'all thanks for letting us take your stuff
Captain: It's okay to be scared of the pirates lass
Tressa: Pft I'm not scared
Captain: But your legs were trembling
Tressa: Oh
Street Vendor: Damn pirates won't leave us alone
Street Vendor: Idek what they're doing staying in the Caves of Maiya
Tressa: ...
---
Tressa: I'm gonna go bargain with the pirates
Captain: Lass no
Tressa: Lass yes
Captain: Okay but like do you have a weapon or a plan or any method of getting your stuff back
Tressa: Well uh I won 50 debate competitions in 3rd grade
Captain: I already told you they weren't going to listen to reason lass
Captain: If you walk in there they're going to kick your ass
Captain: Am I allowed to say that to you
Tressa: Well yeah but I can't just sit here and let these other merchants starve to death because they have no money to put food on their plates
Tressa: And y'know what, maybe I will fight the pirates
Captain: Hm alright then if you're so determined then I won't stop you
Captain: But I'm going to help
Captain: If we succeed and you find something on my ship that catches your eye, I'll let you have it
Tressa: Aight deal
Tressa: Now let's go kick some pirate ass!
Captain: Okay but are you allowed to say "ass"
Tressa: Brb I'm gonna buy some stuff first
Captain: Alright
Captain: Lass is that weed
Tressa: It's sleepweed :D
Captain: Oh what would you need that for
Tressa: Oh y'know, I just thought the pirates could use a nice nap after all that looting
Captain: I like your style lass
Captain: Alright now good luck
---
*At the tavern*
Tressa: I put the sleepweed in the wine
Tressa: Now all we have to do is bring the wine to them
---
*At the Caves of Maiya*
Tressa: Ahoy there
Pirate Lackey: Oh it's the little girl again
Tressa: Here, have this wine. It's a gift from me and the other merchants because we're soooooo sorry we thought we stood a chance against you swashbuckling pirates
Pirate Lackey: Omg wine
Pirate Lackey: *Brings it inside*
Tressa: Lmao I can't believe they fell for it
---
*Inside the Caves*
Mikk: Lol the townspeople are so weak I can't believe they didn't try to put up a fight
Makk: Well I mean it doesn't look like they can LMAO
Mikk: "The strong take while the weak quake" amirite
Mikk and Makk: LMAO
Makk: Wise words by the one and only Captain Leon Bastralle
Mikk: Totally not gonna bite us back later
Makk: Yeah because we're super cool and want to follow in the footsteps of Captain Leon Bastralle
Pirate Lackey: Captains the little girl have wine
Mikk and Makk: AYO WINE?? Hell yeah y'all
Pirates: Cheers!
---
Tressa: That should be enough time
Tressa: *Walking around the Caves* Oh boy, look at these sleeping pirates, I wonder what happened to them
Tressa: Aight time to take the stolen wares back
Mikk: *Waking up* Oi what are you doing here little girl
Tressa: Oh no
Mikk: Wake up Makk it's the little girl from town
Makk: Oh so you were going to take your stuff back when we were sleeping huh
Tressa: Oh no
Mikk and Makk: Y'know we ain't gonna let you take our hard earned loot back
Tressa: Hard earned my ass y'all didn't earn anything you just stole it
Tressa: And I'm not gonna just stand by and let you take it
Mikk and Makk: Fight us
Tressa: Y'know what hell yeah
*Epic boss battle ensues*
Tressa: Oh yay we won
Makk: Oh what she beat us
Mikk: We aren't letting you get away with this. Mateys!
*Other pirates appear*
Tressa: Oh no
Tressa: Might as well take on you all to get these goods back
Mikk and Makk: Lmao time to face defeat little girl
Captain: Not so fast
Captain: Were you guys seriously going to pick on this little girl
Tressa: Captain I'm 18
Captain: You all have no right to speak about how the world works if you only pick on the weak and defenseless
Mikk: Oh it's that guy from earlier
Mikk: Lol anyways let's fight them
Captain: *Defeats everyone*
Makk: What how'd you beat all of us
Mikk and Makk: Omg wait that's Captain Leon Bastralle
Makk: Who tf are you
Tressa: Wait holy crap that was you???
Captain Leon: I'm just a merchant, no longer a pirate
Captain Leon: But say, have you gentlemen ever heard of the phrase "dead men tell no tales"?
Mikk and Makk: Y'all we gotta go
*The pirates escape*
Tressa: Captain?
Captain Leon: Just call me Leon, lass
Tressa: Thanks for saving me Mr Leon
Captain Leon: Well then, gather the goods and head back home. I'll have to leave soon
Tressa: Wait already??
Captain Leon: Yep, but remember to come on by my ship. We had a deal, remember?
---
Tressa: Mr Leon are you sure I can come aboard
Captain Leon: Well I said I only let those I trust aboard right
Tressa: And?
Captain Leon: Exactly
Tressa: Oh
Tressa: OH
Tressa: Thank you Mr Leon omg omg
Tressa: Yo this place is packed are you sure I can take one of these
Captain Leon: Mhm
Tressa: Omg thank you
Tressa: Ooh I think I'll take... this diary
Captain Leon: Um, lass, I'm afraid that won't sell for much
Captain Leon: Some guy I let on board just left that there and it got mixed in with the treasures
Tressa: Hm I still think I'll take it though
Tressa: It calls to me
Captain Leon: Alright then, you can have it
Tressa: Thank you Mr Leon :D
Captain Leon: Okay now goodbye lass
Tressa: Goodbye!
---
Tressa: I'm gonna speedrun this book
Tressa: Hm so it talks about someone's adventures around the world
Tressa: That's so cool, I wish I could do that
Tressa: Oh whoops it's past my bedtime
*The next day*
Tressa: Good morning parents
Tressa: I'm going to see the world!
Olneo and Marina: You're going to what
Tressa: I'm gonna become a traveling merchant!
Marina: But dear-
Olneo: You have no experience! You need to spend a hell lot more time in the shop before you go out and become a traveling merchant
Tressa: Pa I'm 18 I can handle it
Tressa: Besides I can learn on the road n stuff so I'll be fiiiiiiiine
Olneo: Well okay then you can go
Tressa: Wait really
Marina: Wait really
Olneo: I mean she'll get experience out there so I think it should be fine
Marina: Fine then, but do take care!
Tressa: Omg thanks Ma and Pa! Goodbye!! :D
---
*Outside*
Tressa: Hm the author only filled in half of the book
Tressa: I guess I'll have to finish the story myself
Tressa: AYY I'M GOING ON AN ADVENTURE!! WOO!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
---
These are fun to do but I don't think I'll get to do this very often when school starts in two days
Tressa my beloved I know you're 18 but why do you seem so much younger
Tressa would've dominated all the debates in class I'm calling it
Anyways bye y'all I hope you enjoyed
#do you think tressa should be allowed to say ass#or is she too babey#leon seems very swag#i'm almost halfway through the roster y'all#octopath traveler#octopath chapters badly summarised#tressa colzione#octopath tressa#confusion tries and fails to be funny
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Ophilia's Chapter 1, Badly Summarised
(Yes I do plan on doing this for everyone and all their chapters at some point but shh be patient I haven't finished any chapter 4s yet beside one of them)
Ophilia: Hi I'm Ophilia Clement and I'm a sister at the Church of the Sacred Flame
Lianna: Hi I'm Lianna and I'm the archbishop's daughter
Ophilia: Hello Lianna!
Lianna: Hello Ophilia! May the Sacred Flame light your path
Ophilia: You too!
Lianna: Oh boy I have to do the pilgrimage soon
Lianna: Ah I shouldn't worry about it I'm sure it'll all go fine!
*Insert foreshadowing*
Ophilia: Wow you're so cool, I can't believe you can do all of this by yourself
Lianna: Well I have you and everyone else at the cathedral to support me and I'm very grateful for it
Ophilia: You are??
Lianna: Yes!!
Ophilia: *happy sister noises*
Lianna: *also happy sister noises*
Lianna: Aight let's go see Father
---
Lore time! A long time ago there were 13 gods who created the world and humanity and stuff but this one god called Galdera was like "nah I'm not gonna govern them from afar guess what I'm EVIL now" and all the other gods were like "oh no Galdera's evil now" and so there's an epic fight and Aelfric the Flamebringer seals Galdera away with magic fire and now the Sacred Flame exists to protect the people. Yay!
Ophilia: Hello Your Excellency
Archbishop Josef: Ophilia you're my adopted daughter you can call me Father
Ophilia: Okay Your Excellency!
Archbishop Josef:
Ophilia: Anyways I just want to thank you for taking me in when I was an orphan I'll be forever grateful for you Your Excellency
Lianna: C'mon Ophilia we're family you don't have to thank us for simply being here with you
Ophilia: *happy Ophilia noises*
Archbishop Josef: Okay Lianna so now we need to talk about your pilgrimage. You have to find the First Flame in the Cave of Origin and bring its embers around to the other churches to spread the light. This is called the Kindling btw
Lianna: Okay Father
Archbishop Josef: A lot of people have died on this journey because it is very dangerous
Lianna: 👁👄👁
Archbishop Josef: But dw I'm sure you can do it I believe in you
Archbishop Josef: *starts coughing*
Ophilia and Lianna: omg Father/Your Excellency are you alright??
Archbishop Josef: Yeah lol dw about it I'm just getting old
Ophilia and Lianna: Oh alr. But let us take care of everything because you should get some rest.
---
*Later*
Lost child: Oh no I'm lost in the church where's my mom
Ophilia: Don't worry I'll help you find your mom
*Legit just walks outside the church because video game logic*
Ophilia: There I found her
Lost child: Yay mother! Thank you Sister Ophilia
Lost child's mom: Thank you Sister Ophilia
---
*Back at the cathedral*
Mattias: Hi my name's Mattias and I'm a trader here to find His Excellency the Archbishop I'm totally not sus btw ^^
Ophilia: What an honour to meet you, my name is Ophilia!
Mattias: Oh so you're Sister Ophilia I've heard so much about you your dad talks a lot about you and your sister y'know
Mattias: Also I'm here to help your sister for the Kindling
Cleric: SISTER OPHILIA IT'S A DISASTER THE ARCHBISHOP HAS COLLAPSED
Ophilia: OH NO WHAT
Ophilia: I'M SORRY MATTIAS I HAVE TO GO NOW
Mattias: Don't worry about me go help the Archbishop
Mattias: *stares at the screen ominously as he walks away*
(No seriously he was doing that and he had a little thought bubble above his head too and all)
---
Cleric: Okay so the Archbishop is very sick rn we should let him rest
Lianna: Oh wait I still have to do the Kindling
Lianna: But my dad's dying
Lianna: I need fresh air for a moment brb
Ophilia: I know she says she needs fresh air but I should help her
*Outside*
Lianna: My dad is dying and I have to do the pilgrimage and I don't know if I'll ever see him again what do I dooooooooooo
Ophilia's inner monologue time, GO!
My sister has always been my best friend. Ever since I lost my parents and came to stay with the Archbishop, I always thought that I'd be alone forever, lost in a world of ever growing darkness without light to see my own path. Then, Lianna came. She was the one who guided me to the light. she showed me her favourite place in town, and she taught me that I wasn't alone. I was her family. I would never be alone as long as I had those to guide me, and in turn I would guide them, away from the sorrows which trap us and towards the light... Now, I must help her too
Ophilia: *internally* Wait what if I do the pilgrimage for her so she can stay by our father's side
Ophilia: Yeah that seems like a good idea
Ophilia: Even if it’s a super bad sin to go there without permission
Ophilia: Cave of Origin, here I come!
---
*At the cave*
Guardian of the First Flame: Yo what up if you call yourself the flambringer then you must prove your worth
Ophilia: What
*Epic boss battle commences*
Ophilia: Oh yay we won
Ophilia: I guess I can take Aelfric's lanthorn now and do pilgrimage stuff
---
*Back at the church*
Lianna: Ophilia omg where have you been we were all so worried
Archbishop Josef: *coughing noises* Hello girls please don't be too worried I will be fine soon
*Foreshadowing*
Archbishop Josef: Anyways about the Kindling
Ophilia: Yeah about that...
Ophilia: I kind of went ahead and... did it
Lianna: You what
Archbishop Josef: You what
Achrbishop Josef: Lianna please leave the room I need to talk to your sister for a moment
Lianna: You aren’t going to punish her right
Archbishop Josef: Dw about it I just need to talk
Lianna: Alright then Father please take care of yourself *leaves*
Archbishop Josef: You did it so Lianna could stay by my side right
Ophilia: Yes Your Excellency forgive me for I have sinned-
Archbishop Josef: Aight y'know what I think we can roll with this let's go tell the others that Ophilia's doing it now
Archbishop Josef: Also I haven't told Lianna this yet but I think I'm gonna die soon
Ophilia: Wait what? But Father-
Archbishop Josef: Now go, my child, journey forth to do the Kindling
Archbishop Josef: Oh hey she called me Father
---
*With the traders, probably*
(This doesn't actually happen I thought it'd be funny)
Trader: Hey guys did you hear that Sister Ophilia's doing the Kindling now?
Mattias: She's what-
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
---
I'm so sorry for this
#idk what made me do this#i was bored okay#i will be back for more#cyrus will be next#this one wasn't even that funny#what was i thinking#octopath traveler#octopath chapters badly summarised#ophilia clement#octopath ophilia#confusion tries and fails to be funny
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