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thatshighlyoffensive · 6 years

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That’s Highly Offensive: 2018 Golden Globes

Y’all know I only wear all black all the time, so I find the fact that Hollywood is "uniting" against whatever tonight by wearing all black to be kind of a stupid way to pussy foot around the issue, but who asked me? This should have been a night when the carpet looked the way I think it should at all times, but honestly, a lot of stuff looked makeshift and cheap to me. And WHAT was with all the skirts-over-pants nonsense?? I thought that was over. Also, forgive the overuse of the funeral garb schtick but what choice did I have?

Wow. It's rare that the first look I see ends up being the worst dressed of the night, but Debra Messing has just taken the cake, eaten it, made another cake, eaten that, made another one, and took that too. I know it's cliché but MESSing says it all. #thefacesofmeth That emerald eyeshadow and those Elvira for Family Dollar false lashes!! And WHAT is that dent in her forehead?? I’ll tell you what it is… bad Botox. Or Juvaderm. Or whatever expired baby bunny cartilage her dermo found in Karen Walker’s dumpster. Oh and also, she’s wearing the dress version of Liza’s putty kkk hood shoes and it’s all HIGHLY offensive.

Kelly Clarkson- "From Justin to King Midas" if King Midas was a lizard...

Kristin Cavallari went as 1999 Oscars Angelina Jolie but with a ballerina's bun and I'm not ok with it.

I honestly have nothing bad to say about Tracee Ellis Ross’s outfit. The phrase ‘Charmin Noir’ comes to mind, but let’s not bc you know how much I love a turban/wrap!

Meryl Streep: You bore me to tears. I like your glasses.

It seems to be literally KILLING Giuliana Rancid that she can’t ask “Who are you wearing?” bc she is incapable of NOT pointing out the fact that she’s not asking that question to every person she's interviewed. And as always, she looks like the Queen from Antz but this year her skin is a particularly orange shade of Oscar Meyer all beef frank. She also has one of the most bulbous horse hair dino ponytails I’ve ever seen. She's like the anorexic version of Starla from Napoleon Dynamite. AND HER TAN LINES! I didn't know you got those from bottled self tanner...

Catherine Zeta Jones: I am still obsessed with CZJ even after recently rewatching Ocean’s Twelve for the first time since Cat and I fell asleep in the theater. Her face, her body, her dress, her earrings, her love for her thousand year old father in law… I am fully behind all of it!

Penelope Cruz: See above. #stunning

I don't know who this woman from Outlander is but I do know she better be on her way to audition at Tweetsie Railroad.

Connie Britton: NO.

Jessica Biel and J. Tim- don’t NO ONE CARE. I don’t know one person who watched ‘The Sinner’ (most people didn’t even know what I was talking about when I asked if they’d heard of it), so the fact that she is nominated is a testament to that Sexy Back money and nothing more. Just her talking about being a producer of the show is like… We get it…you’re the only one who would pay you to be an actress anymore. PS, your arms are fabulous.

Mandy Candy Moore: Olé!

Holy shit Diane Kruger looks amazing.

Unfortunately, Sarah Paulson is one of those I feel looks like she's in something cheap. Really cheap. Like she stole a leotard from the Xanadu Mourning collection and wrapped a table cloth around herself. And I can't say I love the choppiness of her bob.

Michele Williams- I’m still not over how ridiculous you looked on Dawson’s Creek, but your pixie has grown on me over the last few years but OHMYGOD what is that shelf in the back? Lloyd Christmas called…

Seth Myers looks like the singing sword and a foot had a baby and named it Cheremy.

Jamie Chung- First of all, why are you here? Secondly, you look like the winner of a ‘Grunge Bride’ themed stripper contest sponsored by Hefty in 2002. Those shoes….

Alexis Bledel- Let’s get this out of the way: I can’t stand you. You’re a mumbler with creepy Kewpie doll eyes and mouth. But as for what you’re wearing, GASP you’re not wearing solid black so you obviously don’t care about women!! But also, you must not care about yourself either because you look like one of Ariel’s sisters and Dionysus had a baby and it came out haunted.

Why is Dave Franco wearing so much rouge????

Alison Brie- Ok, you can channel Audrey Hepburn, I guess. Although her dress does resemble my senior prom dress from Cache. Oh wait- there’s a pants leg. You’re trash.

William H. Macy: Did Grubby die? That’s the only reason I can think of for Teddy Ruxpin to show up to the Golden Globes in all black…

Gal Gadot is clearly going to an audition for "A Chorus Line" after the Globes. Why else would she steal a maitre'd's jacket and cut it in half?

Saoirse Ronan looks perfect all around. I need all of it immediately, even though I’d look more like Bruce Villanche dressed in drag doing a David Bowie tribute than her svelte awesomeness…

Eva Longoria looks like a pregnant Sharpie.

It took me a solid 3 seconds & a glance at the caption to figure out I was looking at Halle Berry and not some mixed berry bag of Skittles from a prom themed episode of the CW’s Gossip Girl revival. And her bangs look gross and ridiculous. #whywontsheage??

I take it back: Reese Witherspoon looks like the pregnant Sharpie. Or maybe her daughter has decided to become a fashion designer and this was her first foray into an origami—inspired collection? #blacktobasics

Nicole Kidman (or Nicky Kickin it in the Moulin Rouge, as Jack McFarland calls her) looks flawless, as always. The one negative thing I will say is that I find flutter fly cap sleeves to be among the most offensive things in adult female fashion (mainly because the only humans that can pull them off are pre-teens, anorexics and Kate Moss (not that she’d ever wear them).

Viola Davis wins everything. Omg that hair and makeup and jewelry and dress. ⚰️⚰️⚰️

Did Zac-without-a-K Efron want people to mistake him for Milo Ventimiglia? Is that the reason for the mustache? Why is he even there? GASP! Are they already remaking High School Musical (because you know that’s in the works…) with him starring as Troy again?!? #prayerhands

Why exactly is Naomi Campbell at the Golden Globes, must less in a piece from the never-to-be-seen sketches Vivienne Westwood did for Guy Richie’s new pandering remake starring Madonna as Herlock Holmes?

Lily James- You are gorgeous perfection and I mean that because anyone that stars in a live action Disney remake is automatically on my shit list (I’m looking at you, Emmas Stone and Watson…) but what the actual hell are you wearing? You look like a Project Runway contestant’s submission on the theme “Maleficent’s entrance to the party.”

Octavia Spencer looks like the teacher who got to play Glinda’s role in a #metoo fundraising, high school production of Wicked after the lead was stricken with mono.

Greta Gerwig- I’m tempted to allow it, but only if you’re intentionally channeling Marchesa Luisa Casati.

Angelina Jolie- oh. my. god. I know I’m biased (as one of her long lost, adopted children she’s never acknowledged or heard of) but I cannot say one bad thing about this, especially since I’ve been in 100% Bombshell Manual mode lately and anything with feathers or frills or femininity is giving me LIFE. #bestdressed

Elizabeth Moss: from Polly to Pollyana. Anyone that gets that is my lifelong friend and anyone that doesn’t please never talk to me again. But seriously honey, that waistline is not your friend.

Jessica Chastain- I think I love everything about this but am i crazy or does it make her look a little bulky? Tell me I’m crazy. I’m crazy. (Narrator: She was definitely crazy.)

omg Maggie Gyllenhaal is wearing the same Castle Greyskull, droopy-sleeve of wizard-vagine garment as Debra Messing! Is this a thing?? Gross. And those earrings are stupid too but I don’t know why.

Emilia Clarke is perfection (minus the bow but moving on) and I don’t even love GOT.

Geena Davis stole one of CZJ’S costumes from Chicago and i can’t say that I’m angry. I will say that I’m angry that the head designer at LOFT got hold of it and added a few of those filthy lace panels before she walked the red carpet, but since she still looks pretty flawless…I’LL ALLOW IT.

As always, Lena Headey looks like the drunk, badass aunt who was a groupie before falling into acting so I love her even more than when she gets drunk and sets people on fire on tv. The dress does look like something a goth would make to wear to a Renaissance fair, but who cares when she looks that cool in it?

I love Margot Robbie more than almost anyone in Hollywood today (even though she stole my life’s dream of playing Tonya Harding. Seriously, I’d started writing a short right before they announced that movie and I’m not even kidding), but I can’t say i know exactly what she was going for with this look… an Elsa-possessed mistletoe over her womb to subtly announce she’s expecting? A tribute to the portion of Fantasia where fairies ice skate to ‘Waltz of the Flowers’ as a nod to the ice goddess she plays in ‘I, Tonya?’ I’ve been staring at it for a few minutes now and can honestly say I have no clue.

Gwendolyn Christie- I have no idea what you are wearing but I do know that I am obsessed with your GOT character so you have my permission to do whatever you please.

Kerry Washington unfortunately looks like some anorexic basic at her junior prom. And those floral net booties are what a leprechaun wears to a funeral. wtf. Oh but her hair is on point.

Kate Hudson- Je refuse.

Chris Hemsworth can do no wrong even in a suit made from a brocade table cloth and VELVETEEN shoes so don’t even worry about it, honey.

Michelle Pfeiffer- omg i am heartbroken over how matronly you look!! As anyone who knows me knows, my mother could pass as your identical twin, so I take it kind of personally when you show up on the red carpet dressed as Marian the librarian’s widowed sister, Ovarian.

Zoe Kravtiz- Sweetie, it’s already been done and its name was Natalie Portman. A chunky, funky emerald earring does make you look like Audrey Hepburn's edgy cousin though. Whatever- you still look gorgeous and I love you.

Kendall Jenner- There are so many things wrong with your look, much less your existence, but I’ll just sum it up with this: T. STRAPPED. POINTY. TOED. SHOES. Also, lay off the brow botox before you look like Debra Messing, or worse, Kylie Jenner. #gasp

Sarah Jessica Parker literally went as her character from Hocus Pocus attending a funeral.

Isabelle Huppert wins the night! Nope, spoke too soon. Her dress has those damned flutter sleeves on it too! What IS that? It’s trash, is what it is…

Roseanne Barr forgot to put a dress over her Spanx…

Ok, that's all I got. I barely watched any of the actual show bc I can't with most of those self important a-holes, so I can't comment on anything "exciting" or "interesting" that might have happened. Let me know if I missed anything highly offensive🥂

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moved-to-in-love-and-liberty · 7 years

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EXR Week Day 2

or how to not follow the prompt at all

link to ao3

The café Musain served many uses. A meeting place, a cafe, a bar. It had hosted business meetings, and the beginnings of a new novel. The open front room, with wide windows looking out on the bustling street was the perfect place to sit and enjoy a conversation with a good friend. The darker back room was perfect for planning, quotes from famous inventors, politicians, and writers covering the wall, a small R scrawled by the door stop.

One of its most utilized purposes was for first dates. The front room provided open views and a quick escape for a first meeting, and the darkened corners of the back room held the perfect room for two bodies, provided they sat close.

Most of the Amis had used the Musain for a first date. The first time Joly and Bossuet met in person after years of online dating, was at the Musain. It was also where they met Musichetta, although that was not planned. Courfeyrac could look at any table in the building and tell a story about a date that had taken place there, successful or not. Bahorel claimed to have met his girlfriend in the back room, although no one could verify seeing as she had never returned.

It was an established fact that if two people were seen huddled over the small tables, heads bent close, that they were on a date.

Enjolras and Grantaire were the exceptions.

The first time they were seen huddled together in the back room, it was by Jehan. They walked into the back room, then walked back out, rushing up to the counter to where Eponine was standing, cup of coffee clutched in her hands and began to practically gush “How long had that been happening!?”

“Hmm?” Eponine had been working for the Musain for longer than the rest of the Amis had known about it, and while she loved Jehan, sometimes they could be a bit...much for a Tuesday morning shift. Still, she lifted her eyes to meet theirs, trying not to wince at the bowtie and neck scarf they were wearing. “How long has what been happening? The new cups?”

“What? No! You know…. Those two getting their shit together!” Jehan was practically vibrating with excitement- They had watched and written about Enjolras and Grantaire, forever separated by their own inability to be honest with each other.

They had seen Enjolras watch R clutch a bottle close after an argument, seen the longing and regret. They had seen R sketch until his hand was raw, drawn to Enjolras like it was the only thing keeping him tethered some days, drawing his attention in any way, even when it left him despondent.

“Who got their shit together?” Eponine had watched the different couples form and break within the Amis, and knew that it could refer to any of them, Courfeyrac and Combeferre, Bahorel and his girl, Joly Bossuet and Musichetta, or hell, some random couple Jehan had seen “tragic potential in”. She was much less invested in the patrons of the Musain than they had the tendency to be.

“Enjolras and R! They’re having a date! They look so cute, huddled together! How long have they been in the back room?”

Almost as soon as the words had left their mouth, the curtain to the back room was flung open.Grantaire stormed out almost shouting, “If you insist on hating everything about me, at least be honest about it!”

“R-wait- just-- I was just-” Enjolras was quick on his heels, spouting an explanation, but Grantaire was already gone, the door banging shut behind him. Not seeing Jehan or Eponine, he started after Grantaire for a long moment, before turning back to the back room. Moments later he appeared with his bag, leaving without sparing the rest of the cafe a glance, hands clenching and unclenching as he threw the door open and stormed out onto the street.

“Well, at least they figured out that they wouldn’t work well?” Eponine offered fidgeting with the tip jar. Not that it fooled Jehan- she wanted Enjolras and Grantaire to work out as much as the rest of the Amis. They had all watched them circle each other for much too long to hope for anything short of a fairytale ending.

“I just wish- I wish-” Jehan tried to articulate, but could find quite what they wished. That R was more confident, that Enjolras was kinder, that they could pull their heads out of their asses.

Later that night they sent Enjolras a text.

Hey I’m sorry you’re date didn’t work out.

What date?

You and R? Alone? At the Musain?

Was it supposed to be a secret?

Sorry

No, Je that wasn’t a date, it was a meeting

Well it looked like a date.

If you asked it to be a date R would say yes

Good Night Je

Night Enjolras

Courfeyrac was perhaps the most obvious. In his defense, it was about two AM when he caught them smoking together, alone, behind the dumpsters at the Musain. It was 2 AM and he had had a shots competition with Eponine at midnight. So he staggered up to the two, standing close to share a light, and leered “Is this a post-sex smoke?”

Well.No one can say he was in full control of himself.

And that was what it looked like! Everyone knew it. They would spend hours together at the Musain just talking, about politics, or art, or the sky or the fucking color purple. They were dating, they went on dates, but they couldn’t admit it.

He just wants them to be happy. Enjolras was so anxious and irritable all the time- he had never really dealt with a crush before and Courfeyrac would be so much more sympathetic, he had done his fair amount of pinning, except there was no need. Grantaire was head over heels for Enjolras but refused to do anything about it and Enjolras still turned red at the mention of sex so he wasn’t going to do anything. Sometimes a relationship needs a little jumpstart and Courfeyrac wasn't afraid to be that jumpstart.

Or the rum rushing around his body wasn’t.

Enjolras jumped away from Grantaire, and Courfeyrac could see the flinch he caused clear across the alley. This might have not been a good idea because now Enjolras looked mad and confused, he was never one for moving any faster or slower that he wanted to, and Grantaire looked like he didn’t quite know what was going on, until Courfeyrac saw him figure it out and-

“COURF Wh- what the hell?” Grantaire turned on him, voice filled with sadness. Or anger. It was hard to tell sometimes with Grantaire.

“Courfeyrac what are you thinking, I would never-,” Enjolras began to splutter, “Not in a million years!” And oh lord, Enjolras was too embarrassed, or too drunk, or too tired to hear what he was saying because hardly had the words left his mouth before Grantaire was looking at him, eyes filling with hurt.

“Okay then” R whispered, already walking back into the club, most likely on his way to the closest bottle of booze.

Enjolras tipped his head back against the alley wall. “Thanks Courf. Thanks so much.” He pushed his way off the wall, looking very, very, tired. “I'm going home. See you in class.”

Corfu

Thanks becase now i know he donst like me adn never will so i dnot have to try anymor

Hed never in a billion yeras

I lovr him so so much

Adn tonigh wasnt wat it llooked like

Becuase he woudl never touvh me

And i knw it now

I love tou

And i love him

Courfeyrac was in half the mind to send it to Enjolras but he had clearly done enough. Hopefully he just hadn’t set them back to much.

Have some water dude. I love you too.

Joly, although sometimes tending towards the anxious, was pragmatic at his core. He was done with watching the two of them carefully pretend to not be interested. And sometimes a direct and gentle but not crude method was best.

And sometimes you just need to yell to get your friends to pull their shit together.

“IF YOU MEET SOMEONE YOU ARE INTERESTED IN AT THE MUSAIN- IT'S A DATE. WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?”

“Joly what are you talking about?” Grantaire was blushing, but his tone was startling even. He and Enjolras were sitting next to each other in the window seat in the front room of the cafe, looking more cuddly than the actual couple at the table next to them.

Enjolras looked less composed. “That's not true. You and Combeferre met here just this morning, and that wasn’t a date. Me and R are just friends.” Enjolras looking at him like he wanted to kill him. Probably because Joly was interrupting his one-on-one time with Grantaire.

His regular, one-on-one meeting with someone who he was romantically interested in were they talked about common interests. And bought each other coffee. But they were so afraid to communicate it was ‘a meeting, not a date”.

Sometimes Joly thinks the only way Enjolras was the leader was his hair. If anyone saw how hopeless he was with interpersonal communication they’d never let him speak at another rally ever again.

“Yeah Joly, me and Enjolras just ran into each other, this wasn’t planned. We figured that if we went through the talking points for tonight's meeting then he might actually be able to think up counter points once I destroy he had planned.

“Hm- that’s funny, I thought we were getting your obligatory shit talking aout of the way so we don’t waste our friends time tonight.”

“Really- because my shit talking doesn’t end. That's all I am. One day I’ll shit talk so much that I'll just disappear- my essence all used up.” They were grinning at each other, looking like they wouldn’t even notice if the rest of the world disappeared.

It was sickening. And Joly studied sickening. They didn’t even deny that they were interested in each other.

“-and when you think about it it could provide an interesting perspective on queer relationships. If it looks like a date, but it's between two people of the same gender, people will assume it's not romantic- but if a man and a woman are remotely close to each other people assume it's a date because it just ‘looks like a date’.”

“Sure apollo, but you’re taking it too far, if someone saw two girls sitting holding hands, they’d assume it was a date- that's how street harassment happens. Literally yesterday you were arguing about how there needs to be more support for queer couples in public, you can’t turn around and say that they aren’t acknowledged in any way-”

Joly snapped his fingers.

“-I mean both happen, just because i’m focusing on one-”

He waved his hands.

“-You are not ‘focusing on one issue at a time’ yesterday you said it was oppression that all queer couples face each time they go out and not today you just said the same thing even though they directly contradict-”

Un-fucking-believable.

JEHAN

I’m so sick of it

Its making me sick

When i see them i start to get a migraine. And chills

Is stupidity contagious?

They’ll figure it out.

They’re so close.

They hardly ever fight anymore. I think they need to figure it out on their own

why are you texting me at 7 in the morning

i was texting you at 3 in the morning. you should know im be asleep

I’m texting you at 7 in the morning so you will know not to text me at 3 in the morning anymore

Anyway.

If I were to ask you out, would you say yes

what

are you serious

wait don't answer that

yes.

if you are serious

fuck you if you arent

fuck you if this is courf

why arent you answering

Sorry

I had to put my phone down

I was doing a victory dance and didn’t want to drop it

youre a dork holy shit

im going on a date with a dork

i assume we’ll go to the musain?

And let all our friends see us?

good point

i know a good creperie four stops away from any of our friends apartments

Perfect.

#Enjoltaire #Enjolras #Grantaire #Les Mis #Les Amis #Joly #Jehan #Courfeyrac #exrweek2017 #mine #did this is 2 hours im sorry its bad

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