#ones from the past like 5 birthdays that I've done for the cats lol.. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nocturnefactory · 1 year

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tagged by @eddie-rifff yay thanks!

what book are you currently reading? Actually I just finished one and I'm about to head back to the library today to renew my card and get a new one--hopefully not over 500 pages again lol

what’s your favorite movie you saw in theaters this past year? ...I don't see movies in theaters anymore whoops, we did sit down at the TV to watch the original Willow on New Year's Eve though, someone explain to me why I'd never heard of it until then

what do you usually wear? uhhhh pants. shirt. My job has conditioned me to be as boring and inconspicuous as possible and I need to change that so so so much, time to splurge this year on a new look

how tall are you? 5-foot-4, wheee

what’s your Star Sign? do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event? Capricorn! I believe I share my birthday with Ted Danson and Dexter Holland of the Offspring, Ray Thomas of the Moody Blues...some more people...and Buck-Tick's Day in Question concert series always falls on that day for some reason

do you go by your name or nickname? I've been going by my own name for so long that I never actually stopped to think about an internet nickname and now I'm thinking of Squid (yes I know my avatar is an octopus I'm just really lazy and indecisive) :P

did you grow up to become what you wanted to be when you were a child? When I was a kid I wanted to be a paleontologist because I fixated on dinosaurs, I wanted to be a mangaka because I fixated on manga, I wanted to be a guitarist because I fixated on musicians...I don't know how to take fixations seriously lol

are you in a relationship? if not who is your crush if you have one? noop, single as heck. ...all my crushes are middle-aged musicians. Yeah.

what’s something you’re good at vs something you’re bad at? Good at? I can bust my arms hyperfocusing on something until it's done. Bad at? Socializing and having anything to say in general (cringe)

dogs or cats? I own neither but they're both beautiful

If you draw/write, or create in any way, what’s your favorite picture/favorite line/favorite etc. from something you created this past year? I drew a lot of Buck-Tick fanart that I mainly posted on Twitter/Instagram, not sure which one stands out to me the most but goshdarnit I need to post here more often even if no one understands lol

what’s something you would like to create content for? uhhh probably something that's not real people if I can just get into the headspace somehow

what’s something you’re currently obsessed with? hardly anything new, except for getting nostalgic over 90s video game music and following the lives of the composers on Twitter

What’s something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this past year? I never get my hopes up very much anymore since hardly anything ever happens around here anyway but I'm disappointed that I keep losing my creative muse...which I guess is inevitable at that point, lol I gotta change that

what’s a hidden talent of yours? How would I even know

are you religious? not in the way my parents would've preferred lol, it's private

whats something you wish to have at this moment? I have a lot of things that I'm not even taking advantage of so I think I just need my motivation hurr hurr also a warp portal to the stores in town would be nice

tagging @bjonka @wonderous-lawnmower have fun, no pressure :P

#tag thing

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smallboyonherbike · 4 months

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for the end of year asks: 2, 9, 14, 20

ty ty!! 💖

2 - album of the year

if we go purely by my top apple music album it's måneskin - rush! which is a good album but not solid enough for me to say absolute top - it had the advantage of being released in january.

i do stand by my other top 5 as more reflective: diamonds & dance floors by ava max (another jan release but SUCH a solid pop album, if you also skip ballads this is for you), the rise and fall of a midwest princess by chappell roan (i didn't check her full album out until like november and it still got top 3 bc of how obsessed i got, she needs to blow up bc she's a musical and aesthetic genius), this is why by paramore (paramore being my 2nd fave artist of all time ofc their new album would be up there but i truly do love it, it's an evolution but also just so Them still!)

5 is renaissance beyoncé which was a 2022 album sure but i hope it's in my top 5 forever bc it's album of all time for me!!! could i have just picked one album maybe but shhhhh!!

9 - best month for you this year

hmmm i'm so bad at remembering shit in terms of months. i'll say november bc it's always a good month - my birthday, plus fall, plus it's after october which is my busy travel month at work so i get to be chill again. this year i went to the renaissance fair w three friends and it was a blast!!

14 - favorite book you read this year

oh god lemme try not to write an essay lol. i read way more this year than usual as an adult bc my current job is often slow (having actual free time still feels weird)

i'll instead talk about the three authors i read the most - mary balogh - i read 16 of her books this year. i really went on a tear and would have read more if i wasn't trying to save at least a few for the future. she writes regency romance which is yknow a big genre w lots of authors but smthg about her style really works for me! she somehow manages to have series with like 8 characters and their love interests and you care about all of them and they're all distinct enough to be side characters that Matter

jasmine guillory - read 7 this year. contemporary black romance. her characters are all loosely connected but you could easily read any of them solo! tropey meet cutes but not overly so, and crucially the characters can be flawed and have issues without being total assholes who shouldn't be together

seanan mcguire - read 7 october daye series this year. i've long been a huge fan of her wayward children fairy tale fantasy series but hadn't read any of her october daye urban fantasy until last year and now i'm obsessed! i literally got some of them as physical books from the library instead of ebooks which i hadn't done in years, bc i couldn't possibly skip any. october is a stubborn jerk and i love her so much. also cat boyfriend and found family incl her ex-death omen <33

20 - what's something you learned this year?

uhhhhhh i've thought about this previously and idk tbh. it's felt like a p solid year for me without a ton new going on. but maybe sliiiightly more being willing to push past my social anxiety to do new things! i can get p complacent in how i've set up my life to not have to do anything new, which makes me feel like i'm less anxious than when i was in school until suddenly something New is happening.

but like having to travel alone for work, def in 2022 i mostly got take out bc eating alone in a restaurant feels So Scary. but this year i was like i wanna eat hot food and relax and enjoy and it was p nice! something i still wanna work on in general, doing a bit more new/social things while still being a homebody lol

#megamazing #oops i really went off but hey it's my blog #ask //

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anon-drabble · 4 years

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so an update:

i haven't gotten a lot of writing done yet due to a few things.

first is my brain is consumed currently with a purely self-indulgent fic idea featuring an oc seducing someone. that may not sound too bad but it's pretty weird for me so i am writing it here and there but mostly just for myself, i doubt i'll ever post it. it makes me feel like a 12-year-old boy and it's weird. 😂

secondly is obey me, the new otome i'm trying out. i'm enjoying it but it's HARD in the beginning and i can't get past chapter 5 because my cards aren't great and my money is too low to level them up. i do the jobs and all but it's so expensive to level up and to progress through the tree. 😔 but i do enjoy the game, it feels more professional and polished compared to mlqc, which i also still play, lol.

finally, the biggest reason: i rescued a kitten. he's about 8 mo old and i got him from a very misguided shelter who was raising him very poorly. he's blind and was born a stray so they kept him confined in a bathroom for at least 4 months. when i got him, he showed multiple signs of poor health and had little to no socialization. he barely played and was terrified of humans but calm around other cats. the foster owner listed a number of behavioral problems that are all easy fixes if you know the basics of cat interactions. we've had him about a week and i'm happy to report he's improved dramatically in that time. he's still nervous and gets over stimulated easily but he's happily running around (we currently have him learning the upstairs of our townhouse, and then will bring him downstairs to learn the main areas) and learning to play and hunt. we're using sound training to adjust him to being petted and handled and he's learning fast. nearly all of the health-related red flags have subsided thanks to a better diet and better care. his behavioral concerns are all but nonexistent now. we originally thought about getting a cat for my birthday which is in a couple of days but we saw this one and in talking with the foster owner, i grew very concerned for him. no one had bothered to give him the time or effort required and he'd been in foster care at least 4-5 months already. and learning the environment that was for him, it made the decision for us.

tldr; adopted a special needs kitty who has been taking up nearly all of my time so not much writing unfortunately.

on a more personal note, i've also started the year with more than usual self-loathing for my writing so i'm doing my best to squash that back to more manageable levels.

#not writing #sorry for the lack of updates

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theskygivesmelife · 3 years

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"I am the master of my fate,"

How ironic that a poem about self control uses this very phrase, whilst ignoring the fact that fate, or destiny actually imply that there can never truly be any control, for all is predetermined from the beginning of time.

...

I'd say we don't. Nonexistence is a superior state of existence in my opinion.

...

First things first: you don't love me, so stop saying you do. Even if you genuinely believe you do, you'll understand what I mean.

With that said, for the love of God can you stop messaging me? Not on WhatsApp because I will have *deleted* it, and not on Android messages because I can't respond as I don't have any balance. I use my phone only for music or gaming mainly anyway. Speaking of which, I thought I did make it clear that I don't want to talk to you. When was the last time we did talk? Right, your birthday. I don't remember ever being that drained after talking to you. Honestly, it was a pain—was it for you too? I guess that's what happens as one becomes truly apathetic. Seriously, I don't know who you're still trying to contact, but that person's dead. Well, not literally unfortunately, but if you do want to talk to some tired, disillusioned soul I'm still here I guess. As I mentioned, your little I love yous at the end don't really hold, because, you know, you're really just refering to the wrong person. For the record, I've started to think that not only am I incapable of loving, but am also incapable of being loved.

Anyhow, lets just say that if I were Jekyll then I'm Hyde now. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm responding to you. The "fuck her, why give a damn?" voices have been quite loud for some time. Well, I don't think of you all the time, so "fuck the world" might seem more apt as a generalisation. Back to the point: some time ago I'd have actually cared, but I don't give a shit now about anything.

I'll say it now: I don't think it'll ever be a good enough reason for you. I don't think any reason ever will. You'll probably still try to convince me to maintain contact, even though it's so horribly one sided. Well, I just couldn't care less for the most part. It'd probably be good if you wouldn't waste your time on me though. I mean, let's be real. You're not going to get my number once out if this country. Even if you miraculously did, you'd certainly make some replacement friends in college without the downsides that I have, so it'd be pointless. I know you won't listen anyway, and I said that I don't care either. So why am I even trying? I don't know.

If you'll remember I've tried to shut you out multiple times. It's funny now, ~because I feel absolutely nothing now.~ Quite often in the past I'd feel quite regretful or guilty, but now? Heh, just an emotionless robot just moving along now. Going through the motions you know. Still, if there's one thing I should mention, it's that I never lied to you when I said some sentimental crap like caring about you and such. Whoever I was back then, he genuinely ment it. And now, it seems like my wick is shorter than I imagined. It's going to burn up quick. You know what that means? Garima, it means peace at last. So, let me have my time now. I still dream of that little cottage far away, secluded from society. No-one for company. Okay, a cat and a dog. They'll be nice. A drum kit. Video games maybe? What'll I do? Electrician perhaps? Mechanic? Just so long as it isn't a crappy 9-5 job, and actually pays my bills. No people. No friends—do I really have any? No girlfriend—I don't want one (not asexual, but I'm not as horny as you I guess), and I doubt I'm capable of forming a proper relationship anyway. No family—I never had one to begin with. Can you imagine it? All alone and blissful. Just let me be. Please. One way or another, I'm gone. I'm actually feeling sad now typing this, tears in my eyes and all (I haven't cried in forever) but you shouldn't be. You've got a long, long way to go; you'll do well anyway. I don't know what I really was to you, or what I've done to you. I know that I was a hard person to deal with. I can't really list out all the times I've failed you; I hope you will forgive me for them. Believe me when I say that if there was ever I person I really tried to keep happy as often as I could, it was you.

" *Bye, stay healthy and happy* "

I won't—I can't.

Bye.

PS. Nice songs. I still appreciate music I guess, unless it's a really bad day.

...

[8/18/2018, 12:03 AM] Prathik: It seems not. Oh well, I was hoping I could talk one last time. Silly of me; you're probably either sleeping or studying for tomorrow's — should I say today's? — test.

[8/18/2018, 12:57 AM] Prathik: You know, I've been thinking: what if I wanted to talk to you one day? Would you then be ready to hold conversation? I think you would, but that doesn't strike me as fair. I mean you say that you'll miss me, but that's something you'll just have to take in your stride. On the contrary, if I miss you, then I try contacting you, and in all likelihood you'll just respond. What do you think?

[8/18/2018, 1:44 AM] Prathik: Maybe you're free tonight? I just want to talk; I don't know what I'm even doing now. Ugh I can't even explain it without sounding like some self pitying shithead. Forget it. I'm sorry

[8/18/2018, 12:42 PM] Prathik: Seriously, the very dynamics of our interactions are messed up. Everything is based on my mood and how I'm feeling. Don't want to talk? No problem! I'll go silent. Depressive episode? No problem! I'll go silent. It's like I can literally choose what and when we get to converse. Tired of our conversations? No problem! I'll just stop talking to you. And all you say is that you'll miss me. Sure, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, but bloody hell — why didn't you ever call me out for my behaviour? Gee, we screwed up...so many flaws and nothing was even done about them.

Yes, I'm ranting. I'll say stupid things, and maybe hurtful things too. If I were completely aware of what it is that sounded like that, then I wouldn't be saying them. Not that it's an excuse for saying anything I shouldn't. You probably shouldn't take anything personally, because in all likelihood, I'll probably just be projecting.

[8/18/2018, 12:52 PM] Prathik: Oh shit, I really need psychological help don't I? Do you think that if I got better, I'd finally stop sabotaging all the relationships I have?

[8/19/2018, 12:19 AM] Prathik: Goodbye

[8/19/2018, 2:25 PM] Prathik: Okay, I'll just leave this here. Just one last thing. I honestly am doubting my mental stability: I'd wager that I'm fairly unstable in general and more so at this point. My mood seems to swing like a fucking pendulum, and for whatever reason, I have and possibly might keep spouting unnecessary shit. So please, just *IGNORE EVERYTHING* I say. *EVERYTHING.* Except this one last message. Please. It's all I ask.

[8/19/2018, 2:54 PM] Prathik: I'm also not going to be using WhatsApp anymore — no point now right? — so I guess you'll be spared if having to reply to anything.

...

[8/8/2018, 10:24 PM] Prathik: Bloody hell, always nice to me even though I don't deserve it. Can't just go study like you ought to or talk to anyone else? You've got tons of friends after all. Perhaps one day they'll give you a consolation prize saying "good effort; hard luck" and maybe then you'll see how you're just wasting your time. Whatever. It's not like I can control you or force you to behave in a certain manner. Stupid world. Just leave me be

[8/8/2018, 10:52 PM] Prathik: I don't even know why you don't give in. I mean, what am I to you? Some depressed idiot that makes you feel better about yourself? I don't think that's the narrative you've sold to me, so that's probably not the reason.

It's kinda like you're an ant running against the wind. Not any wind, though, just that which is being blown by some sadistic little kid. It keeps running into it. Over and over it tries and fails. The wind keeps pushing it back, but the ant doesn't see how futile it's attempts are. It doesn't see that despite the fact that it keeps trying, nothing's going to change. It has so many other avenues of exploration, ones that would certainly lead to a great reception from the colony, but oh no. The ant keeps running, hoping that the resistance will decrease. Eventually the boy just blows harder, and the ant flies away and lands on its back. (Good thing it has an exoskeleton.) Only then does it see how pointless its efforts were, and that they were better off invested somewhere else.

...

You know how people throw that fucking annoying platitude around? That things will get better? Doesn't happen. It's no different in its progression from a physical illness, and once you go beyond a certain stage you're only living on fumes at that point. Limited time. But it'll get better they say. Fucking hell, it can also get worse, but who's willing to actually concede that bleak truth?

...

Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I'm just getting worse mentally. I mean, I set the suicide date for when I'm 25. It's only kept dropping. I started considering pushing it to college years, and now I'm genuinely pondering whether I should just drop out of college like when I'm 19 or so and be done with it — at least I won't have to wonder about how you'll come meet me in USA lol. I'm also drawing more blanks in tests. It's not like I don't know, it's just making me more and more anxious. Like the psychology UT we had just some time ago. I left 12 marks because it seemed to easy to be true and I thought I was wrong. I got 17.5 . And meeting people, ugh. Worse than ever. Sure I'm introverted, but at this rate I'm practically going to become a hermit. My ability to function like a sane person is waning, and it's actually quite clear. It's makes me awe struck and horrified at the same time seeing how someone is so capable of self sabotage. Yeah, I don't think I was made for this world. Just one big mistake that hasn't been taken care of yet.

...

Oh, if you haven't listened to it already, you really should listen to Heroes by David Bowie. Please do, if you haven't yet. Just this one song.

...

[6/28/2018, 12:13 AM] Prathik: I love you.

[6/28/2018, 12:14 AM] Prathik: ^ I just felt like saying that.

...

You don't get it. I don't know for sure that you like talking to me. Yes, you've said so so many times that I've lost track. I'd be lying if I said that it were enough to convince me. It isn't; you can't do anything to change my perception of myself, and sometimes I'll project, being the idiot I am after all. There's never going to be a time when I can the voice that says you're you're just using me for some kicks or something to shut up. That doubt will never go, and every time you say something like that, I'll make sure to interpret it as evidence that even you don't care, that you just let your guard down. You can't ever really make me satisfied or happy, so don't throw away any more of your time actually trying to justify anything. If you know that what you've done is fine, then it's fine.

...

[6/12/2018, 8:51 PM] Prathik: Speaking of which, it's interesting that you brought up the fact that our relationship is dysfunctional. Not that I really addressed it well when you originally meantioned it. It does make me wonder, are the dynamics of the way we interact with each other actually healthy? Perhaps we're just fucking each other in the ass and not even realising it? While it's a possibility that I consider, you should know that I don't think the second one is too probable. All the same, it's bothersome enough to actually consider pondering over. Funny, though, how I've just turned a blind eye to it; best relationship you've had you say. Pretty much the same for me, I suppose that's why I've not considered anything that suggests contrary to that opinion.

You know, we never did our cliched apologies. I'm not sure what exactly to apologise for; however, I don't have any qualms admitting that I did fuck up. I'm not sure it makes any sense to apologise for going silent for a month. Honestly, while I did miss you, I'm not sure of how much I actually regret it. Heck, if I hadn't misunderstood your message and not responded... Moreover, what's the point of saying sorry for something I've done multiple times and might do again anyway? It probably does defeat the purpose of it. I do regret making you angry though. I'm not too proud of getting you pissed off, I honestly am sorry about that. That conversation just didn't go the way I'd have liked it to I guess...

[6/12/2018, 8:53 PM] Prathik: Also, is it just me or have things between us changed? I mean, the one month silence probably did more harm than good. It'd have probably been better had I never done anything, or had not stupidly misinterpreted what you said and stayed silent after all. I don't know, I'm not saying it has anything to do with you anyway. I know who's responsible if something is wrong after all.

[6/12/2018, 10:04 PM] Prathik: Oh, today I mixed NaOH with NH4Br, boiled it and inhaled it. I also had to do some speaking for a group activity in English, and I didn't really fuck it up at all or get shaky knees

Just saying. Anyway, which Tapasya acquaintances are you still in touch with?

[6/12/2018, 10:42 PM] Prathik: Oh look, they just killed off net neutrality in USA. Fucking Ajit Pai. As if he didn't have an incredibly punchable face to begin with.

...

[6/10/2018, 10:05 AM] Prathik: If you say so. Read at your own inconvenience.

Since I'm idiotic enough, I decided to read more of the dude's articles. Lost a ton of brain cells. Also, don't read the comments. Nutty, the lot of them.

[6/10/2018, 11:00 AM] Prathik: "The power of propaganda always surprises me. Only 30 years ago, homosexuality was almost universally condemned, and now it’s accepted in half the world and half the States. Clearly, the natural position worldwide is that homosexuality is a disorder, and should be condemned. The problem is, we lost the youth. Somehow, homosexual advocates were able to brainwash and indoctrinate them into accepting it. If you talk to anyone my age, they believe that homosexuality poses no health risks (homosexuals have a 5 times higher chance of getting HIV) and that they are born as homosexuals (despite no scientific evidence.) IMO this is a result of two things: homosexual propaganda (esp. through the internet) and the collapse of the traditional marriage model. The parents simply haven’t taught their children about Christianity and thus they are easy prey for the homosexual movement.

Honestly, I am very pessimistic and I feel that it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. More and more ‘Christians’ are accepting this behavior day by day and it’s heartbreaking."

Has to be the most ironic things I've ever read. Talks about propaganda and indoctrination, but completely turns a blind eye to how he's become what he is.

[6/10/2018, 6:29 PM] Prathik: And now, I've realised that I could have actually spent my time better by talking to you on the phone as you suggested. Not that I studied one bit as I planned to do.

...

[6/9/2018, 1:56 AM] Garima Joshi: Bye now, love you.

[6/9/2018, 1:57 AM] Prathik: Bye. Love you.

...

if I could really recover from the depressed, socially anxious, and suicidal person I am today, believe me I'd let you know immediately. I promise.

...

[3/20/2018, 3:01 AM] Garima Joshi: I know you said you were tired. Thanks for sticking around. Always great talking to you.

[3/20/2018, 3:02 AM] Prathik: It's always fun talking to you. So.. yeah. Do we say goodnight or goodmorning at this point?

[3/20/2018, 3:03 AM] Prathik: Yeah. Stay safe in Delhi will you? Bye.

[3/20/2018, 3:04 AM] Garima Joshi: I'll try, I'll try.

Have a good day (today)

Bye, love you.

[3/20/2018, 3:06 AM] Prathik: I thought you said cheesy stuff were grossing you out...

I'm sorry, did I sound a little overprotective?

[3/20/2018, 3:13 AM] Garima Joshi: Okay Patrick I love you v much but I'll find you a wife tomorrow, for now you need those 2 hours 58 minutes of beauty sleep to rope in all those women

[3/20/2018, 3:13 AM] Prathik: Lulz. Fine. Love you too.

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