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howthemoonsuitsthenightsky · 5 years

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Can’t We Stay At Yours Next Time?

Summary: Lucas prefers staying at Eliott's, Eliott prefers staying at Lucas'.

Genre: confort, fluff, angst

Word Count: 1.4k

Warnings: none

AO3 Link

At first, Lucas’ heart stutters when he finds that he is alone in bed, the covers wrapped around him as if he were the only one who was supposed to be there. Then, his eyes wonder to look out of his window and find themselves resting on Eliott’s jacket, slung off the back of his desk chair and his heart calms again. He takes a deep breath, feels himself come closer towards a place of peace and slowly, he starts to hear voices meander out from the gap underneath his bedroom doorframe. Eliott’s voice immediately stands out to him, causing the corners of his lips to reach towards his eyes.

That is, of course, when Eliott and Lucas have decided to spend the night at the latter’s. When Lucas wakes at Eliott’s, there is no such stutter of his heart, because, as his eyes flutter open, they instantaneously rest on Eliott. He lies, or sits, on the bed beside him, soft hair falling over his eyes as his head is bent forward, focused intently on the paper in front of him and pencil in his hand. When Eliott next glances up, to ensure he is capturing Lucas in the right way, he notices that his boyfriend is awake, and a smile casually appears across his features. He leans forward, to give Lucas the relief of their lips touching for the first time that day.

On one such morning, after the drawing has been placed to one side, for now, and they have managed to find themselves in a greater state on undress than when they woke, Lucas finds himself suggesting, “Can’t we stay here all the time?” He asks the question whilst his fingers absentmindedly curl themselves in and out of Eliott’s hair, moving it onto and off of his cheek as Eliott’s head rests in the crook of his neck.

“We could,” Eliott replies slowly, pondering the question. Lucas feels Eliott’s toes curl and uncurl against his calf where their legs are entwined. “But I like staying at yours.”

“You like staying in an apartment with paper thin walls and flatmates as nosy as gossip websites?” Lucas counters, beginning to become passionate about the subject.

“You only say that because you’re the loud one.” Eliott raises himself up from his position on Lucas’ chest so that they are facing each other, noses almost touching. He moves his eyebrows up and down in one exaggerated motion. Lucas opens his mouth in shock at the comment, even though he knows it to be true. Instead of a counter attack, he decides to scowl at the boy in front of him. “I’m joking, I’m joking,” Eliott chuckles, planting a quick kiss on Lucas’ cheek, before pulling back. “But, I do like staying there.”

“Why?” Lucas asks, rearranging the hand that has been playing with Eliott’s hair before he moved to resume a similar motion on his bare shoulder.

Eliott lets out a low hum as he tries to think of the best way to phrase his opinions. “Well, I like spending time with your flatmates there. I’m always the first to wake up and Manon is somehow awake at the crack of dawn too.” He lets his gaze begin to wonder from Lucas’. “She’s got some interesting opinions on art, and culture, and politics, and life.”

He pauses, giving Lucas the opportunity to speak. “So, you like spending time at mine because you like spending time with other people?”

The way Lucas squints slightly tells Eliott that he’s joking, earning the younger boy a roll of Eliott’s eyes in return. “Well, yes, I do. If I could spend all my days with just you, I would, but when you live alone, like I do here, then it can be nice to see other people as well.”

“That’s what I like most about waking up here.” Lucas tips his head back for a second, letting himself feel the silence in the apartment around him. “It’s just us, and when I wake up, you’re always by my side. I love waking up like this, with you drawing next to me.” Lucas locks his gaze tightly onto the tall boy’s, searching for the idea that he may feel the same way.

“You are my favourite subject, especially when you sleep,” is the only response Eliott can find himself to give.

“And it scares me, a bit,” Lucas admits after a moment, “waking up without you there after falling asleep in each other’s arms.” Eliott notices that the boy’s fingers have become still on his shoulder. “It worries me, thinking that you’ve disappeared again.” He notices a line of water is building itself up across Lucas’ lower lids.

Eliott immediately sits up, pulling the younger boy with him and wrapping him into a hug tight enough that he hopes to convey everything he can’t put into words. “Hey,” he whispers softly, rubbing his hands along Lucas’ smooth back in gentle circles.

After a moment, Lucas begins to pull back, Eliott, reluctantly, letting him. He can see the watermarks that a couple of tears have left on Lucas’ cheeks. “It’s okay though,” Lucas smiles, “because then I hear your voice through the walls and I see your jacket on the chair and I know that you’re there, even if you’re not next to me.”

Eliott opens his mouth, ready for words to appear on his tongue, but he finds himself lacking. Instead, he chooses to close the small distance between their lips, to feel the soft push and pull of their mouths moving in unison and to taste the slight sting of salt on his tongue from the tears that have just escaped from Lucas’ eyes.

They have shared comforting kisses before, almost as much as they have shared passionate kisses, as they have shared rushed kisses in the corridors before one of them has had to run off to class to avoid being late, as they have shared kisses hello and kisses goodbye, but they can feel the difference in this one. It stems from love, but many of those others have as well. No, this kiss stems from a need and an appreciation for the other’s existence in their life, it comes from a shared emotion of love and pain and the joy that both those emotions inevitably bring.

It is Eliott who pulls away, finally bring the words together in his mind. “Even if I’m not there, I’m with you. You’re much better at science than me, so you can tell me that I’m wrong, but my love for you is in every cell in your body, it’s in every smile, every laugh, every tear; it’s in everything. Okay?”

“You would definitely be an awful scientist.” Lucas slowly shakes his head, a stray stand of hair slipping down to rest lightly on the bridge of his nose. “But I love you, and I would take waking up in that apartment every day because I love you that much.”

Eliott nods, knowing that no more needs to be said, that they both understand how much the other means. A gentle silence envelopes them, neither one being sure how long they sit in it for, time not being able to be marked by the gentle touches of their noses, the small breaths of each other’s scent, the careful brushing of lips.

Eventually, as all silences must end, sound returns to the life of the two boys. “Does that mean we can stay at yours next time?” Eliott asks, a smug smile on his face.

Lucas shakes his head for the second time that morning. “I meant it as an expression of love.”

“So …” Eliott draws the word out, raises his eyebrows as he does so.

“So,” Lucas sighs, “you’ll have to make me want to leave this bed first.” Lucas’ hands reach up to cup the older boy’s cheeks, his head moves closer to connect their lips and his body pushes forward to bring them both back to lying on the mattress, all teasing and decisions and expressions of love momentarily forgotten in the touch of skin on skin.

#skam france fic #skam france #elu #why do I feel like this is slightly pretentious #I tried to write some fluff and it ended up slightly angsty

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heartsofstrangers · 7 years

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What has been one of the most challenging things that you have experienced or are currently experiencing?

“The most challenging thing that I have experienced in my life was the loss of my little brother when I was around eleven years old. It affected me. I like to say it watermarks everything that has happened to me ever since.”

Tell me about that experience.

“My brother was born in 2000. I was ten, going on eleven at the time, and I was an only child up until that point. He was my step-brother. It was interesting going from being an only child to having a brother, but I was excited about it. My mother always tells me I asked for a sibling/friend because I was always by myself, so I was really very excited about it. When he was four months old he was diagnosed with leukemia, and when he was a year and a half he passed away. In that time, even though it was a short time, he made a huge impact not only on my entire family but the people in the community around us. I remember we would do walks like they do around Lighthouse Point. Everyone would raise money and we would make T-shirts, a banner, and everything. At the time he was still alive. I think we had two walks before he passed away. We had one when we first found out, and then one right before he passed away. I remember being my mom’s second-hand man in almost all situations after his diagnosis. I became like a second mom. It was very interesting going from having no siblings, being a typical only child, to being thrown into a parental role. It was definitely challenging. I don’t remember much of it. I only remember what people tell me about it. So things like the night walk—I would be sitting at the table with my mom organizing and writing down people’s information, managing paperwork, and things like that. I was eleven years old. It is very weird to look back at. I have a lot of home movies, about eight hours of ‘archival footage,’ I like to call it. As soon as they found out he was sick, the camera didn’t stop rolling. My step-dad at the time, Michael, was adamant about making sure everything was documented. I think that in and of itself and the camera always being on really affected me and what I chose to be in my life, which is a documentarian, and this whole ordeal was like one of my first films. So I think that has watermarked my life in a way, and also has helped me grow as a person. But it also holds me back from time to time.”

Why do you think you don’t recall some of the memories that being present and maybe feeling some of the emotions at that time in your life?

“I think because it was obviously so traumatic, I don’t remember much before it and much during it. I just remember very specific thing. For instance, the day that he died. I remember being at school. I was in middle school at the time, and my step dad came to pick me up. He didn’t even have to say anything; he was just there. September 11th happened, and I called my mother and asked, ‘Should I come home?’ and she said, ‘No, you’re fine. Stay where you are.’ I always knew that if someone was coming to pick me up from school it wasn’t going to be good. He came and got me, and I remember the moment of driving home, going into the house and seeing my whole family there. They hadn’t called the ambulance yet, and my mom was sitting there with him. It was just very super-traumatic. It’s very strange, like a movie. It is movie-like. Everything so memorable. In moments like that, you just remember everything: what everything looked like, sounds, smells, colors. It was very weird. Another thing I will never ever forget was when my aunt came in, my mom’s sister. She came to the door, and I think we were all literally sitting there in silence. We had a chair in this corner, and my mom was sitting there with this light pouring in on her, and it was very much like the Madonna of the chair. She had an ottoman, so her feet were up, and I was on the floor by the ottoman. It could have been painted in my memory. We had family all around us, and I’m pretty sure we were all silent. It was very, very weird. When my aunt came in, she let out this like yelp. It was this terrible scream that I had never heard from a human being before. It was just very, very scary. So I will never forget that moment. It’s important I think because at that moment, describing the moment, not word for word but similarly, was the script I wrote to get into film school. It ended up being the documentary that I made my thesis when I left. It’s always been hard to make. It took two years to make, and I’m still working on it. It’s still hard for me to put it out there. It’s easy for me to share it with people close to me, it’s easy for me to send a link; but when it comes to marketing it in any way, I feel very weird about that. When it comes to writing a synopsis, it seems impossible to me. How can you, in two or three sentences, encompass what had happened? I have asked so many people for help, and it’s like everyone’s suggestions don’t feel right. It’s a weird process. It’s been going on for three or four years now. I haven’t put it out there. I hope to get that out soon, but it’s all part of the process, and I’m not trying to rush myself. I’m trying to be nice to myself and my mom and everyone involved.”

What sort of impact did it have on your family?

“It’s interesting to see how people grieve differently. I think that’s what I’ve taken most from the whole experience: how people choose to deal with the struggles and whatever plight you’re experiencing at the time and in different ways. For my mother, I always think of this, and it’s nuts to me, I just think it was crazy, but she lost my brother and was pregnant with my sister at the time. So not only did she have to keep going for herself, but also for another human being inside of her. That’s incredible. She’s the strongest person I know. I give her a lot of shit sometimes for sure, and we would get into fights and disagree; but at the end of the day, she’s incredible. I can’t imagine doing that. For her it was really hard. She pushed through it. She’s the one person in my life that no matter what to a fault, to just keep going 90 miles an hour in the direction of the right thing. Sometimes that gets frustrating, because I don’t want to get out of bed some days, but you have to keep going. She is definitely been a real inspiration, and she dealt with it in that very specific way, and just continues to go like life is worth living. There are so many beautiful things, especially the thing I’m working on right now. But my mom kept going. On the contrary, my stepfather really went into a bad place that I don’t even think that he’s out of yet, and it was more than ten years ago that this happened. I’m not so sure he would want me speaking about him this way, because I know that it’s really hard for him. But I’m sure he has recognized how he is now. I will say that that he went from being an excited father to watching those eight hours of VHS tapes over and over and over after he died. He watched old westerns, because when my brother was sick and he had to stay home with the baby, he would watch them on television and we would eat Fritos together. That became what he did. It’s part of the film that I made. He has even said, ‘It's part of the film,’ that he stayed there on the couch. He stopped sleeping in the bed with my mom. He would stay there on that couch for five years because he thought, ‘He’s not dead. He’s not gone. He’s coming back.’ It’s incredible to me. It's incredible not because it’s sad, but because his brain said that to him. His brain said this is right, this is what you should do. That’s really terrible, it’s really sad. That’s the thing I get out of this the most when I talk about it, that people deaI with things differently. I can’t expect everyone to understand, but if I’m talking to a friend who is going through something hard, I don’t have trouble empathizing almost to a fault with people. I’ve seen some of what my mother pushed through with the loss of a child and to go on to do good things with her life. That it’s hard for me to not want to shake someone. To be like, ‘No, get off the couch. Please help yourself,’ because when it comes down to it, you can’t really save anyone. You can only help, but they have to be willing to help themselves first.”

How did you process the grief yourself?

“That’s interesting. People always ask me this. I think I just followed suite with my mom and sort of mimicked her. In a way I think making the movie was therapeutic for me. It was cathartic in a lot of ways, but in a lot of ways I feel like I haven’t. So I feel like the movie was really cathartic to me. Making the film was a way to look at it from the side of my mother, the side of my stepfather, and in making the film having my own voice about my opinions about it. Some people who watched it said, ‘We need more of you. We need to see more of you, because only halfway through the film do you realize the filmmaker is actually the daughter and she was there and involved.’ So I found that really interesting. That the audience would find that interesting and be intrigued, but not so intrigued that I would add to the film more with my experience. So what ended up happening was I added a little more but not enough in a lot of peoples’ opinions, but I’m not going to go back and change it. I believe strongly that my voice if you pay attention, if you watch it, you would know how I feel about it. Like I said, I’m not sure that I totally worked through it. I’m just terrified to have kids, because I don’t know if I could do what my mom did. I’m not sure if I had any if I’d be okay and I want to. But it’s really frightening. Everything is frightening in life for one reason or another. If you ever hear a motivational speaker saying take risk or conquering your fears is most important part of life and living. If you don’t, you’re not giving yourself enough of a chance. Right? So that always pushes me to work through it eventually. I’m in therapy and have been for a while—not just because of this, it happened a while ago but it’s still there. Subtly, but it’s still there. So it’s not something like where I cry every day. I feel very lucky, and so I feel like that’s a good thing. But it’s definitely something down the road like five, ten years, when I think about a family, that it’s really going to punch me in the face. I feel like it’s coming, so maybe it won’t be that bad of a hit.”

What are some ways you are able to move through points where you find yourself not wanting to get out of bed or stuck in that frame of mind where it’s hard to get off the couch or to get motivated or keep going when you don’t want to?

“It’s funny. I feel like I force myself a lot of the time, which sometimes can be unhealthy and not the nicest thing to do to myself. You’re shameful if you don’t get out of bed or you’re bad. If you don’t get out of bed, something is wrong with you. That is not the healthiest thing, but that’s what gets me out of bed. I put music on that I can sing to. I’m good at that, so it makes me happy. It gives me energy. I think being around people is very important. I love being around people. I love surrounding myself with good people. Sometimes it’s not always possible given the world we live in, but I think surrounding myself with people who understand me or at least try to is really important. I also love to talk. I love to talk about things that are going on in the world. How do you feel about this? If I can connect with someone who agrees or disagrees, that gives me a reason. A connection to a song, to a person, a film or something. Ultimately, just do something. Do one thing. Take a shower or go out to the bodega in Brooklyn. Remember you need to feed your cat today, remember that you’re out of something, go talk to the cashier. Sometimes just smiling at someone can make a difference. Even just giving a dollar to someone on the subway who doesn’t have a dollar. There is this deaf woman who goes around the subway, and if you’re sitting she’ll put on your knee a little card with the sign-language alphabet on it, and on the back it will say donate what you can, and she’ll go around and put them down then come back around to collect them if you don’t donate. Just giving the dollar and having her say thank you and think ahh that's cool. You have that connection with someone, someone you smiled at. Maybe you made their day. You never know.”

Have there been any blessings to this experience? Has it impacted your life in any positive ways that you can recognize or acknowledge at this point?

“I think the whole experience impacted me positively. I doesn’t give me purpose, but it does in a way. It’s very strange. I don’t think about it every day. It’s just there. It’s something that has happened to me, and it’s the biggest, but one of many things I’ve had to deal with my whole life. It comes down to just loss. In any way and with any loss you may have, there is always a balance of energy. There’s a loss and something comes from that. Whether it comes, has come, or will come, I have a blessed life. I’m so lucky to have hands, feet, legs, arms, and a brain that works. You can’t ask for a lot more than that, because a lot of people don’t have what you have, what I have, what anyone has. It can be sad to think about, and they can be sympathetic and not as empathetic—well, at least you have this—but you have to be grateful for things in order to kick-start any sort of positivity that you want to experience in your life. You have to give gratefulness, thankfulness, and you’ll receive what you may perceive as luck or coincidence or something good happens to you, and you’re like ‘Oh wow, that’s cool.’ Maybe you made that happen yourself, and you should be proud of that. I think in a lot of ways that that’s really important. That’s what positive things have come out of such a bad situation. Just the ability to go, just be happy that you’re alive. I know that’s so cliché, like I hear myself say it and I’m like okay. Like the New Yorker in you is laughing at you right now. But I think it’s true. If anyone is denying that, they are ultimately lying to themselves. You need to be a lot more positive in order to exist. and I believe in the world.”

Sounds like loss, grief, drama, and painful events can often bring about or restore a renewed sense of gratitude not only for the things we have in our lives and our health, but in our relationships and the connections we have.

“Yes, I think the connection with people is probably, ultimately when I boil everything down to it, it is extremely important if not really the most important to me to be able to connect to someone, to understand them, to have myself be understood. I know that’s what’s important. Talking and being in therapy, talking to people about grief and moving on and things like that. I think the hardest thing for me is to be misunderstood. I hate it and I hate when I can’t level with somebody. It hurts me. I think that just being able to—and I know it’s a two-way street and I can sometimes be hard on myself so it may be my fault that someone doesn’t know where I’m coming from but that’s a challenge that I go through all the time—but ultimately communication with people, connection with people is so important. It’s so much fun, it gives me such joy. Truly!”

What was your relationship like with your brother while he was alive besides from being a parental assistant to your mother? Did you have time to establish a bond, and did you have a chance to make peace and sort of say goodbye to him before he left?

“I definitely did not have a chance to say goodbye. I think that unfortunately, probably I’m thinking about it now, as soon as we found out his diagnosis and when we realized all the treatments and stuff weren’t going to work or he wasn’t going to be in remission long enough to get a bone marrow transplant or do anything like that. Once we figured like we’re not going to get it that we were racing the clock and were only getting a little bit, that’s when I think a very slow goodbye began and I think it took months of time. My mom would, well it just seemed ritualistic. Everyone did the same thing. My mother would wake up at 4 in the morning and go for a walk. She would wake me up because he slept in the bed with my parents. She would wake me up so she could go for a walk to have some alone time to just pray or relax or whatever she would do. She would be up and I would go in the bed and sleep next to him. She would come back and after she administered his medication I would be there because I would hold him. He was a baby so you had to hold his hands. He had a catheter in his chest and it could get infected or he could pull it out. You know what I mean? He was a tiny baby. It was insane to me. It was very ritualistic like I said. Every day was the same and I was like an assistant and I feel like, and I don’t know how much of this is true cause like I said but before and during I think I went from being an only child, very loud and obnoxious and selfish in a lot of ways cause that’s how all little kids are, to being such an observant, so quiet and just like you have nothing to say bad about anything right now. You can just help, that’s all you can do. Sometimes that’s so true with life but it’s also very sad. When I look back on it I think about how in a way because my mom was so focused on everything that I was just not, I don’t know how to say it without sounding like dramatic poor me but I was just sort of in the shadows and observing. Because of that I feel like I just a mirror to my mom. I didn’t know what else to do. So I don’t know. (I don’t even remember the question.)”

Is there a significant memory that you have?

“Like of our relationship together?”

Yes, a bond with your brother or a special moment?

“I think that before he was diagnosed, there was a Halloween where we dressed up. He was a clown and I was a cat or something. I think that moment and many moments after that were very similar to it. I would just talk to him like he was a person, because I think that’s what you should do with babies. I mean baby talk is a natural thing, but I really think you should talk to babies like they’re people, like real people. I think maybe I was just trying to get in as much conversation as possible so that he would know me. I have never really thought about that.”

If you had the opportunity to express something to him today or to say goodbye to him, what would you say?

“I don’t think I would say goodbye. I don’t think that would be worth much. He affects my life still, so why would I say goodbye? I don’t know if that’s healthy. I don’t think I need to say goodbye. I can just be thankful for his presence that I feel sometimes, memories or things like that. My mother, whenever she sees a cardinal, always thinks that it’s him. Whenever something really bad is happening to her—she told me that she was driving down the road when she’s really upset with one thing that has nothing really to do with my brother. She sort of brings in the unfairness of that, so it mounts and become so much more intense. So I feel she would be having a day like that, and she would be driving along, and a cardinal would fly right by the windshield. Like really close, and she would say, ‘Oh, okay,’ and she always sees them outside in a tree and it comforts her and makes her feel good. Cardinals are birds, but I believe in signs like that. So I can see how it appears to her. When I think of him, I don’t think of him as a baby. When I do take the time to think about my brother, I think about what I would say to him today at age he would be today. He would be 15 in April. October was the month he died. I get those confused sometimes. He would be 15. I would be showing him all the cool music I used to listen to when I was 15. I would tell him about girls and what to do and what not to do. That makes me happy. I still have siblings to interact with and to tell all these things to, and I do. I make sure the time I get to spend with them at my parents’ house is time well spent. If I can do one thing with them or for them or talk to them about one thing even for five minutes, that makes me happy. That would mean something. If they see me cry about something, hopefully they will remember that and think of me more than just a sister figure or a parent figure. That I have my whole life that I don’t really know much about, that I’m a human. I don’t know if it’s the healthiest thing to imagine my brother as a real human. I don’t think it’s terribly bad. I’m not a super crazy fucked-up person right now, so I don’t think I’m doing that much wrong in imagining that.”

You mentioned your mother sort of connecting with the cardinal and representing your brother’s spirit and his energy. How do you acknowledge his presence in your life? Is there anything that is symbolic for you?

“I don’t think so. I think I piggyback on the cardinal idea because it makes my mother really happy. I definitely do believe in signs. It could really be anything. There is not one thing. I don’t always attribute it to him. There will be times where I could be going through a hard time, and I’m not asking for his help or guidance. It would be a universe question or a God question or a God-figure question. It’s never like I’m asking for comfort or for help or answers to questions, because truthfully if he were here right now, he’d be younger than me, so how could he answer questions? I think about him, the situation where I came from, and I’m thankful for where I’ve gotten myself because of this situation.”

Do you think it’s possible that his short life span was meant for a reason and impacted a lot of positive change and brought about many blessings and gifts and all of your lives and lives of those you’ve touched and hopefully has created ripples from just that one short life?

“Yes. Definitely. I think that his very short life . . . I want to mention there are definitely people I have met who would like to think he was only around for such a short time, he wasn’t able to talk or walk, so how do you miss him so much? How did you have such a connection with a being that couldn’t communicate with you? It just goes to show that you just weren’t there. It’s okay for you to think that, but you’re wrong. You’re so enormously wrong. People meet their person, their partner, and within two weeks—or maybe even in a moment—you know how important that person is going to be to you for the rest of your life, whether you’ve known them for your whole life as a friend or you just met them. It doesn’t take very long emotionally and physically sometimes to realize, wow you have made a difference in my life almost immediately and I don’t even know you. You don’t even speak my language or any language at all. Maybe we don’t have any typical ways of communicating, but it doesn’t mean you haven’t made an impact on my life. So I hate when people say that. It makes me angry, because it shows they have trouble empathizing, they have trouble seeing where I’m coming from. It goes back to being misunderstood. It irks me. I think that his short life was so impactful not just to me and my family in good ways and bad ways, but also to the community that rallied around us. As soon as people found out he was sick, they were like what can we do? They sent food, they sent letters. I remember one kid, his name was Jordan, we went to middle school through high school together. He rode his bike from his house with a card that he wrote with colored crayons, I think, and he brought it to me. He was like I’m really sorry. Stuff like that. I think human connection is one of the most important things in the world. If we’re all thinking that way, then that’s what this experience has given me and my family with the opportunity to really connect with people. To let people in and let them help and let them put a hand on our shoulder and not be so dismissive because they don’t know. It didn’t happen to you, but you can empathize anyway. You can take any experience you’ve had in your life and attribute it or relate it to what someone else is going through. That was the best thing that happened to our family. Unfortunately, my mother and stepfather, Michael, aren’t together anymore, and I think a huge part of it was this loss. That sort of degraded and deteriorated the marriage. Just based on how both of them dealt with it differently as I mentioned, and it’s amazing to see. We spent Christmas with him and his family this year. We're all still very close. The marriage didn’t work out, but it doesn’t mean we all don’t love each other very much. I called Michael on his birthday last month. Just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean you abandon people. We went through it all together. How could you do that? You can’t leave people alone like that. It’s important to reach out. I’m so thankful that people reached out to us. I’m thankful I still have the ability to reach out to others too, that I’m not closed out because of this.”

Sounds like it opened you.

“Yes. It’s not the only thing that’s opened me. I’ve had some incredibly lovely people in my life I'm so thankful for that have helped me to stay open and happy. They’re there in a drop of a hat if I need them. My best friend Alanna, she is like the best. Sometimes I’ll be at the worst place and so upset and I’ll call her, and before I say anything she’ll say, ‘I already feel you’re upset. I knew you were upset. What’s wrong?’ It’s happened a couple times. I’m thankful for people who have connected with me and have latched onto my energy that we go together. Even if we’re miles apart in life, we go through together with our energy. So if I am experiencing something, all I have to do is pick up the phone or communicate or just think about them and they’re there for me. That’s awesome.”

What advice would you offer someone else who could relate to your experiences?

“That’s a loaded question. Because I was kind of alone in how I dealt with it. I really never had advice except for my mother’s example of just keep pushing 90 miles an hour in what you think is the right direction, or the best direction for you. I don’t know what to say. It’s ultimately a journey you have to go on and figure out for yourself, and dig deep, very deeply into yourself. Sometimes that’s very uncomfortable, something you don’t want to do. It’s part of the reason you don’t want to get out of bed, because to get out of bed I would have to dig deep inside myself and figure out what the problem is and try to solve it. If you’re anything like me, you’re just trying to get things done and in order so solve the problem, get out of bed. So ultimately, my way of problem solving, working through my issue, which is very tailored, and really the only advice I can give is don’t shut yourself off from yourself. Don’t close that door to yourself and all the bad stuff. The bad stuff will make you stronger. That’s so cliché, but it makes you a stronger better person. It wouldn’t be so cliché if it weren’t true. Life wouldn’t be so cliché if there weren’t some truth to it. So the advice I would give would be don’t close yourself off to those around you and don’t blame anyone for the bad things that have happened to you. No one can make you feel anything. Only you can make yourself feel a certain way based on someone else’s actions or your actions or something that happened that you can’t control. No one is going to make you feel bad. You have the option and the choice to feel however you would like to feel about any given situation. So my advice is to regain control, realize that you have control and get out of bed and do the things to be nice to yourself. Go to the coffee shop and get your favorite drink. Drink it on the porch and smoke a cigarette, which is what I do. I know it’s not good for you. Do things that you want to do. Regardless of what other people think, make the choice for yourself to do right by yourself. One of the questions you asked me earlier was about a mantra, motto, or song that helps me work through or calm down, what I repeat to myself, it would be ‘Accept that all is well.’ It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. This is really hard. It’s seems unfathomable how hard it is to solve this problem or to get through what you need to get through. You will do it because you have to. If you think about it this way, the universe wants to exist. If we are all a part of the universe, one being, which I like to believe, energy and everything like that, then we all want to survive and push forward, so why would you work against that? Ultimately it’s going to happen. You can’t fight that. We need to exist, so run with it. Just work with yourself, working with the world, the people around you on a micro level. Then on a macro level things will happen that are good. Another cliché. You have to be the change you want to see in the people around you and the energy in the room. If you walk into work one day and you have a bad attitude because of your commute, someone like me who has a very strong personality will notice. I’m not trying to be conceited in any way but being mindful and aware of your energy and how it affects people. It is very important. I can notice if I walk into a room and I’m upset about something the mood changes and it’s so palpable it's real. Just be mindful to that. Bring good things to the table, because if people around you are in a bad mood because of your bad mood, then you’re not only not doing right by yourself you’re ruining other people’s day too.”

A couple other things that I heard in your advice is don’t shut down, don’t close yourself off. I think it’s an initial reaction we have to something that makes us uncomfortable. We shut down, we close off to protect ourselves, to create barriers, and we do that to shut out the painful stuff, but we also shut out the good.

“Yes, we shut out the good. The other thing you mentioned is it’s sort of moving with force. It’s almost like we are part of nature, we’re water, and we need to keep flowing, and if we try to contain it, the pressure builds up, something breaks and something bursts.

“It’s not irreparable. It’s not like if something bursts and you have a meltdown, you can’t come back from that. I’ve had plenty of that and I talk all day until I’m blue in the face about all these great, positive things that you can do to make your life better; but when it comes down to it, there are days when I’m at work and I am so mean, and I can be so mean and nasty. When I realize it later in the day, luckily with being self-aware and thinking about this stuff very often (which I do), my correction time between having this negative reaction, realizing I have this negative reaction, and correcting it is getting smaller and smaller and smaller. So I think that’s important. I like to pat myself on the back for that, because there are a million times when something happens and for months I’m just upset about this thing and I can’t let it go. Letting go I think is an important part of existing in the world. Don’t go tit for tat with everything. Relax. If you think that in a year this thing that made you mad right now isn’t going to bother you, then why are you upset about it? If in a year or six months this thing isn’t going to bother you, then let it go now. Give yourself a break. You don’t need to harp on it. Again something I wish I could do better. Let things go. It’s hard, so hard, it’s really hard letting things go for sure.”

How important to you think it is to have outlets to express?

“It is so very important to have outlets to express yourself when you’re upset or when you’re really happy. Anything to express yourself is really important. There’s such a release in that. Like I said, when I can’t get out of bed, putting on a record, giving myself one task to for the day. If you can get out of bed and do your laundry, you are human. Not only did you contribute to your well-being physically, spaciously in your small apartment that you have in Brooklyn, but you also emotionally have done something nice for yourself. So that’s what you did for yourself today. Good for me! Little things like that are very important. I was going to say something about letting it go. I forgot. I want to say one more thing about when I’m in a really dark place and feeling really mad at myself that I’ve done something wrong or I’ve hurt a person and I’m feeling guilty about that. I often feel guilty after something bad happens. Like how do I contribute to someone else’s pain or how did I contribute to someone’s bad day or is someone talking about me behind my back about the thing that I did to contribute to their bad day? It’s like a spiral that cycles, and it’s really terrible, and I’m sure anyone can relate to that. And a slew of other bad thoughts come from that, and it may or may not be true but in most cases it’s true. This is another thing my friend Alanna told me to do one time, and it totally resonates with me. Just recently she said this to me, ‘Think about the wisest part of yourself. Breathe, relax, and think about the wisest part of yourself that you know. The part of you that would give your best friend advice, who you wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to. Give them your most honest, truest advice. What is that part of you saying about how you’re feeling right now? And if that part of yourself says it’s okay, you didn’t do anything wrong and you’re being really hard on yourself, it’s okay to let that thing go.’ Then do that. Listen to what the wisest part of yourself has said to you, and believe that, because ultimately it’s the truest part of who you are. You’re not and most people aren’t trying to sabotage themselves purposely. Sometimes we self-sabotage by accident and realize it later, but most people aren’t trying to sabotage their own life, because our animal instinct is to continue to live. So listen to that very true part of yourself and just listen to it and trust it. Go in the direction of what that thing is saying. I like to personify this wise person as this old woman with braids. It helps a lot when thinking about if I’m to blame for X thing that happened or someone else being upset. Most times you're not, because like I said before, you can only control how you feel about a certain way. You just have to be nice to yourself.”

Do you have a favorite quote that you would like to share? I know you mentioned a couple earlier.

“I don’t know. I don’t have quotes. The thing about when people ask what’s your favorite movie or favorite book or what’s your favorite anything, you immediately forget all the things you like and you only remember the things that resonate with other people as well as you because you’ve connected all of these things together. So I don’t have a quote, but I’m sure in my life I’ve read thousands of poems and passages and articles and stuff and have been like yes.”

Is there something that someone said to you maybe during the time you were in a period of grief that resonates with you that you took value from?

“My grandmother—this is silly and profound, but I’ll say it anyway. She is very Irish. She had a mug with a shamrock and Celtic lettering that said, ‘Quit your bellyaching’, all in one word, and it resonates with me because it’s silly so it not only reminds you it’s not all that serious. Whatever is happening, if it’s a little thing, it’s not that serious, and to be grateful and thankful. Like I mentioned before, stop complaining, maybe for a minute, just stop whining, quit your bellyaching and realize you’re alive, you have the ability to choose how good or bad your life can be. That’s totally a gift, and everyone has it. You’re born with this gift, your choice, free will. We live in a country that most times (don’t get me started on politic), you have the ability to choose the thing that you want.”

How’s it felt to talk about and share these experiences and feelings with me today?

“It’s good. I think it’s very good that it’s on camera, because there are a couple of times where I was thinking in my head, ‘Woah, that’s something that you actually never thought about’ or ‘That’s a breakthrough, and that’s why you’re crying. I do cry a lot, let’s get that out. I think anyone who sees this video will be like WOW. But when I go from talking normally to tears immediately, I know that that is something I never thought about before, and a bit of a breakthrough and pay attention to that. Unfortunately I don’t remember exactly what I said or thought, but it’s good that it’s on camera. I get a chance to revisit that. But ultimately it feels good. It was a good therapy session with no time limit. I’m not watching the clock. It’s always good. I like talking to people. It’s good to relate to people about bad things that you go through, and to receive validation is also important. You shouldn't always be looking for people’s validation, which we struggle with quite often. It’s so nice to get it; and what you do is so nice, to ask the compassionate questions and be mindful of how something may have affected someone, to sort of tread lightly. I appreciate it. So I thank you.”

Do you think it’s possible by sharing your experiences even painful experiences with other people, that you could be potentially helping someone else to see that they’re not alone? That you’ve given them some courage to continue to move forward on their journey, or even inspire them in some way to help others?

“I definitely think that this is helpful. A hundred percent. I think that was the point of the film I made. One of my goals with the film was to send it to the Leukemia Lymphoma Society and hopefully they could show it for free or just show it to people, this experience and hope people would see that it wasn’t just an ‘Oh this happened, it was very tragic, and now everyone is fine.’ It shows two sides of the story, three if you count my version, where one was very negative, one was positive and the third wasn’t quite figured out yet. I think sharing this is very important, because it’s what’s really important to me. I know how good it feels when someone can relate to me about a loss. Especially if they had a loss around the same age as I was. I remember being on a first date with someone who lost his mother at the same age. You’re on a first date with a girl and your intentions are probably not to open up and start crying, but we both cried. We shared this moment, and I still have a strong relationship and connection with this person, and that will never change. I think it’s really important for people to believe that they’re not alone.

#grief #heartsofstrangers #yourenotalone #everyhearthasastroytotell #yourstorywillinspireothers #mentalhealth

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