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#out of a pack of mangy dogs. you were the one he could pretend to truly love the most
laniidae-passerine · 1 year
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I have a really bad feeling that Tom might be halfway decent dad, the ordinary kind who carries a constant sense of absence around with him but who you still remember holding you and putting a plaster on your knee. But Shiv is going to be a terrible mother, because she never wanted that stupid baby anyway and because it will scream and cry and stop her ever being a CEO (as if she ever could have been) and because it’s Tom’s baby too.
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mythicamagic · 3 years
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In the Company of Wolves: Inukog oneshot
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Summary: Every place feels like a temporary home for a Hanyou. Kouga offers Inuyasha a welcome respite within his wolf pack. Inukog oneshot
Written for @gaykagome​, who has been a lovely, encouraging commenter and fandom friend ^^ thank you for your support bud.
Rated T
7,000 words (you can also read this on ao3 via the same username)
In the Company of Wolves
Leaping through sprawling trees, thick white hair flew out behind a red figure. Inuyasha landed on a sturdy branch, legs bent, muscles coiling and springing free as he leapt forth again. He smirked, a fang hooking over his bottom lip.
"Nice try, but you ain't got a hope in hell."
The deer fleeing for its life beneath the branches had skittered to the left, racing through dense undergrowth. Perhaps it hoped to lose him, or maybe it was running scared. Either way, this would be over quick.
Stepping from branch to branch, long fingers flexed, claws catching on sunlight. Pushing off from a tree trunk, Inuyasha sprang down with every intent of landing atop his prey.
He fell within range, closing in- only for his foot to collide with a mass of thick black fur.
Inuyasha's eyes flew wide, crashing into the beast and hitting the floor in a tumble of limbs. The deer merrily pranced away out of sight.
Snarling and lifting his head, Inuyasha cradled his throbbing skull. "Damn it, what the-!"
A large bear-sized wolf staggered to its feet, rumbling a noise of complaint. Two cobalt blue eyes glared at him.
Inuyasha stopped, "Kouga?" he rose a bushy brow.
There was no mistaking that smell. He'd never seen the mangy wolf's true form before though. In all honesty, it was kind of surreal. Hell, the guy even looked a bit more dignified.
Kouga tilted his head, standing. As he shook himself, yellow, static powder fell from his fur like gold dust, swirling into a whirlwind of youki. In a matter of moments, Kouga's humanoid form stepped out, hands on his hips.
"Why'd you get in my way?! You lost me my meal!"
White triangular ears flicked and pressed back against his skull. Fuck taking that. Inuyasha stood, hands balled into fists.
"Your meal?! I've been tracking that deer for at least an hour! You weren't even in the picture, I didn't smell ya chasing it once!"
Kouga tilted his chin up, flashing a cheeky grin. "Tch, that's what happens when you track from downwind, Dog Breath," he muttered, ignoring the pissed off Hanyou and looking around. "How come you're out here huntin' anyway? Isn't Kagome with you? She always carries some goodies to chew on. Tastier than venison too."
Inuyasha glanced away moodily, crossing his arms. "Shaddap. Like it's any of your business."
Kouga hummed, scratching his jaw. Odd. There was no bite in his tone. Sniffing a little, Kouga picked up the faint scent of sadness clinging to the robe of the fire rat.
Inuyasha's face heated. He quickly bared his teeth, "quit with that! She's just busy, alright? Besides, I can still hunt for myself. Ain't you a little far from your territory to be hunting out here?"
Kouga blinked, mildly concerned despite their history together. "Uhh… where do you think you are, Dog Breath?"
Frowning, Inuyasha glanced around. Clearly no answers were forthcoming from the forest, so leaping up, he climbed a tree, digging claws into rough bark to hoist himself up. Minding the tallest branches aside, Inuyasha gaped as he surfaced from the sea of greenery. Sprawling, picturesque mountains met his startled gaze.
How far did I chase that deer?
And why'd it have to lead him to Kouga's turf, of all places?
Dropping down to solid ground again, Inuyasha avoided eye contact. "I just got caught up in running, that's all," he answered the silent question hanging in the air.
Kouga tilted his head slightly, "… right."
A rumbling sound rang out between them. Inuyasha grit his teeth, ignoring the impatient gurgling of his stomach and swiftly turning. "Whatever. See ya," he started walking.
"Hey-" Kouga called, causing him to nearly trip in surprise and frown over one shoulder.
The wolf winced, looking awkward and weirded out to even be asking. "We got leftovers. If you want some," the offer was casual. "Don't want you keeling over on the way back, Kagome would kill me."
Inuyasha stared. Maybe he'd hit his head or something because for some reason, the offer sounded like a tempting one.
"Keh," he grunted, pivoting on one heel and trudging towards Kouga's territory instead. "Better be good," he complained with no energy behind it.
"Its free food! Be more grateful to your host," the wolf snarked, jogging to keep pace with him.
---
Mutters echoed throughout the cave, causing white ears to twitch and swivel atop his head. Inuyasha ignored the curious wolves, digging into tough boar meat. Uncooked. Miroku and Kagome would've called it ghastly. His lips twitched at the thought, soon wiped away. Something squeezed his chest instead.
"Hey, blabber-mouths! Keep it down!" Kouga's booming voice caught his dazed attention.
Ginta and Hakkaku quickly shut up, apologising. The rest of the wolf pack fell quiet, though their eyes blazed with questions.
Inuyasha rose a brow and glanced at the Wolf Prince. Did he think the gossiping bothered him or something? Weird guy. He should know a Hanyou would be used to it.
Kouga's tail flicked as he strode through regular wolves, minding some beasts aside. He then threw himself down beside Inuyasha on some soft furs, stealing a rib. Not having the energy or inclination to snap at him for it, Inuyasha merely flashed his teeth, grunting and continuing to eat.
"So what brings you to us, Inuyasha?" Hakkaku asked bluntly. Ginta gasped and fretted, clearly having wanted to ask more delicately.
Inuyasha drew into himself slightly, noticing a hush fall over the atmosphere within the damp cave.
"Was just in the neighbourhood is all. If ya wanna blame someone for dragging me here, look no further than your precious leader," he snorted, sidestepping the question.
Kouga elbowed him and chuckled in a deep, rich baritone. Triangular ears flicked upon hearing it. "Aw c'mon! You practically tripped over yourself getting here you were so eager," glimmering blue eyes swung to his pack, giving a shit-eating grin. "He's just too proud to say 'thank you for the meal' because he lost his prey and is still being a sore loser about it~"
Inuyasha blinked, noticing his verbal diversion and change in topic. Kouga was... helping him?
Sure enough, the wolf demon gazed at him, brows raised in challenge, trying to encourage a rebuttal.
Relief touched Inuyasha's face for a moment, before snorting loudly and thrusting his nose up in the air, turning away. "Me? You're the one who got in my way, Mangy Wolf."
"Dog Breath!"
"Flea Bag!"
The wolves glanced back and forth between them, noticing the lack of malice in their nicknames. Their scents were calm, giving them away. A touch of humour and enjoyment radiated from them as they bickered.
"Alright, prove it-" Kouga suddenly threw out. "Hunt with us tomorrow. Then we'll see who's better at it," he jabbed a thumb at his chest. "Obviously, it'll be us wolves! I've provided for my pack as leader for tons of years and I'm faster than you."
Rolling golden eyes, Inuyasha picked up a stone, hollowed out cup of water, taking a sip. "Keh, wouldn't be the first time people have underestimated me. Won't be the last," easing slightly closer to get in Kouga's face, he bared sharp fangs in a feral grin. "I'll beat you just like I've beaten everyone else who figured a half-breed couldn't measure up to a full demon."
Kouga stared, a funny look crossing his face- both palms shooting up to wave slightly. "Huh? Nah, you've got me wrong," he grunted, straightening his spine. "I was just trash talkin' you as competition, not because you're a Hanyou. I honestly wasn't thinkin' of that," his voice trailed into a musing tone.
A stab of surprise and disorientation swung through Inuyasha. There was no time to recover, however, as the demon kept talking. "Though now that you mention it, you're probably used to hunting alone, right? We'd call you a Lone Wolf if you were one of our kind. My pack will win through sheer teamwork."
Inuyasha huffed. So clearly it was more like 1 vs 30 rather than a fair fight. Coward.
Ah well. Looking down at the bones he'd picked clean, he gave a rough shrug of his shoulders. Not like he had anything else to do. He could stick around a little longer.
"You're on."
----
Many hours after the sun had gone down, taking its vibrant colourful sky with it, the moon had opened up her blanket of stars. Inuyasha sat at the mouth of the wolf pack's cave, hands thrust inside his sleeves. Tetsusaiga rested against one shoulder.
The wolves had finished singing their melodies to their mother, the moon, so they'd settled down.
Golden eyes slid towards their sleeping forms. They'd packed themselves tight against one another to retain some heat. Only a few had broken off in pairs to cuddle by themselves. Ginta and Hakkaku were well and truly wrapped around one another, swathed in furs.
They all looked comfortable. Trusting, together. A family unit.
Inuyasha stared. The most annoying part about it was that he could never pinpoint exactly what he was feeling, looking at groups like this. It made him uncomfortable, a reminder that they had something he didn't. Maybe he had, for a time, but his friends had all split off to live their own lives. Shippo was growing up. Miroku and Sango had their own family now.
Kagome…
He wasn't needed anymore. Their quest had been over for a long time. He should be over it by now.
Staring at the pack was like looking into a store window in Kagome's time. Unseen glass forever separated him from what they possessed.
Kouga lifted his head from where he lay, noting a chill in the air. Inuyasha met his gaze, quickly turning to face the other way and pretending to look at sprawling scenery. A snort sounded out in the cave before sharp, static youki fanned into the breeze.
Transformed, Kouga stepped around his pack and lay down towards the entrance, blocking out the night's chilly breeze with his thick fur and large form.
Inuyasha glanced behind him with mild surprise.
Kouga was maybe, actually, kind of…
... a good leader.
---
It started at midday.
The pack immediately flooded the forest, racing through it like droves of rats. Inuyasha shared a look with Kouga, before smirking and starting to leap from tree to tree.
Hunting with wolves nearby started to look next to impossible, considering how eagerly they dove and ran through the undergrowth, loud and clumsy. However, the second they caught wind of a herd, they split off into different, smaller groups. Inuyasha watched them from his vantage point above.
Scouts ran on ahead. Kouga kept towards the back of his pack, signalling orders with mere grunts, growls or gestures of his hand. Inuyasha followed the scouts, dropping down to run alongside them. They were slightly younger demons, teenage boys and girls, lithe and built for running. They stared at him but gave tentative grins.
Inuyasha blinked and offered a slight smirk, soon powering on ahead and leaving them behind.
Sniffing out a herd of deer that the wolves intended to close in on, Inuyasha kept to his vantage point in the trees. He rounded one side of a large clearing, heart thundering.
It had been a long time since he'd hunted seriously. It took him back to old times. Kagome had spoiled him with ramen, and complacency softened his body. But now rusty instincts were awakening, shaking the dust away. His fangs ached. Demon senses kicked in, blood pumping. He could hear and smell everything, down to the blades of grass, fusty scent of deer and pungent odour of wolves.
As predicted, Kouga's scouts halted at the opposite side of the treeline. Lower-ranking wolves and wolf demons alike burst through into the meadow then, causing the herd to take off running.
Right towards Inuyasha.
Dumbasses. Didn't they figure they were leading them right to him?
Grinning, Inuyasha's clawed nails elongated slightly. Waiting as a few deer ran beneath his position- he suddenly lept. Free-falling and spreading both arms wide, he tackled a stag around the neck, yanking it down with him using his weight.
Grabbing it by the antlers the second he recovered, Inuyasha gave a quick jerk, snapping its neck cleanly.
Panting and grinning, he raised triumphant eyes-
Only to see Kouga bent over a felled deer not too far away. His mouth was bloodied. His prey lay dead on one side. It was obvious from the number of adults mid-way through their meal that they'd taken it down much quicker than Inuyasha. They'd had the same idea, flushing out prey and leaping upon them from the opposite direction. Somehow they'd evaded even his detection.
Younger wolves looped around, waiting pensively for their turn.
Kouga licked his lips, maintaining eye contact. Dark hair hung loose from its typical ponytail, claws stained crimson. Inuyasha's heart skittered. His breath halted.
The demon drew bloodied lips back over his fangs when a lower wolf sniffed too close to his food- a loud, powerful snarl thrumming through the clearing.
An answering rumble built in Inuyasha's throat, unbidden. Blazing, twisting heat hooked low in his stomach, cock twitching.
Golden eyes snapped wide, realising just what the fuck he was reacting to.
Kouga's feral expression softened back to normal, shooting him a surprised grin and happily digging into his meal, none the wiser.
Shaken, Inuyasha grimly started tucking into his own, busying himself with eating. He then offered some scraps to some salivating teens, ignoring the amused demons watching. He wasn't above dining with pups. Especially if it meant never confronting what had just happened.
---
"So you and Kagome broke up, huh?"
Inuyasha jolted, wondering how obvious he'd been about it. Frowning at Kouga, who seemed content to laze within the den after the hunt, he gave a long exhale. "Have been for a few months now."
"Gotcha."
"We're still friends though, so don't even think about sniffing after her again."
"I ain't about to, Dog Breath," Kouga flashed him a wolfish grin, slowly sobering, "you wanna talk about it? Only it seems to be eatin' at ya."
Running a hand through his hair and giving a dusty sigh, Inuyasha stared blankly at the forest down below. With no other wolves around, he felt somewhat better about talking so plainly.
"Nothin' much to talk about, she's with someone else now. Seems happy."
Kouga made a noise of affirmation, showing he was listening while picking at his teeth with a pinky.
"I've got a crappy track record with relationships."
"You've got a crappy track record with women, yeah."
Inuyasha whipped his head back to stare at Kouga, wondering what he meant by that. If he meant what Inuyasha thought he meant.
Kouga remained in a reclining position, meeting his gaze easily. The late afternoon sun touched his skin, giving it a warm glow, hooded eyes seeming to darken. "You ever think about trying to be with someone else, rather than pining after the same soul over and over?"
Inuyasha's lips thinned, cheeks heating.
"I dunno. I was with Kikyo and then after being sealed to the tree- I woke up and met Kagome like no time had passed," he grunted. This would usually be the part where he clamped up. He didn't like talking about something so vulnerable. Self-preservation had taught him not to divulge too much, even to friends like Kagome. Kouga could easily mock him. However…
Looking over, no sinister motivation seemed to compel the wolf. He was genuinely interested. Inuyasha's insides screamed at him as he reluctantly continued. "It was like… it made sense to be with her, but I barely had a chance to process losing Kikyo. Things just kinda happened," he shook his head slightly. "Startin' fresh? Sounds like a fairy tale."
Kouga chuckled deeply, causing Inuyasha's ears to twitch again. His stomach did a nervous flip, but there was no cruelty in that rich tone. "Kinda set in your ways, huh? You're like a human in that respect."
"Keh, well what about you? Been with anyone recently?" Inuyasha asked flatly. He wasn't fishing or anything.
Kouga stretched languidly, yawning and exposing sharp-pointed canines. Blunt claws flexed wide, before curling into his palms again. "Nothing permanent. My last 'relationship' was with a guy for a couple of weeks. Just casual stuff. Heh, bet that's unthinkable to you, right?"
Inuyasha bristled, cheeks reddening. He tossed his head and huffed in answer.
"Oi, I don't mean anything by it. I think it's great you're such a loyal pup and have soul-consuming relationships instead of flings. Still, it sounds kind of exhausting to me," the wolf shrugged.
"I thought 'wolves mated for life', you sure tried that line on Kagome."
"We do," Kouga muttered, looking at him, "but only after we find someone special. We got an expression, us wolves. It basically translates to 'my heart and liver.' You gotta find someone that really fits your needs, who you pursue like they're a missing organ inside you. Till we find our chosen one, we're free to pursue who we want."
Inuyasha snorted, "and Kagome was that person to you?" he drawled sarcastically.
Kouga shrugged, not catching it. His earnest, blunt disposition was somewhat refreshing, if Inuyasha were being honest. "I figured so. But after three years of thinking about it, I kinda dove headfirst into loving her without really knowing her. I pursued her so hard that I forgot to think about why I was even running."
Unbidden, a smile came to the Hanyou's mouth, a fang hooking over his lip. He chuckled, eyes warming. Something heavy lifted from his shoulders. "We're both dumbasses," he said, golden eyes dancing. It felt kind of good to not be alone in that. To know they both should've done better.
Kouga blinked, gaze roving over his face. Slowly, he gave an answering, amiable smile. "You get a snaggle-tooth when you grin," he pointed out teasingly. "It's cute."
"Don't think you can flirt with me just because we bonded for a second, wolf," Inuyasha rolled his eyes and forcefully snuffed out his grin.
"No I'm gonna," Kouga chuckled, tail thumping beside him.
Something dissuaded the Hanyou from hotly shutting this down. His heart sat a little lighter in his chest, shoulders relaxed. If the dumbass wanted to keep saying stupid shit, who was he to stop him?
----
After that day, Inuyasha resolved to stay- at least until he caught a kill quicker than the wolves during a hunt.
Kouga became somewhat more shameless and flirty. It started out subtle. Well, subtle for Kouga.
One time, Inuyasha had leisurely taken a sip of his drink, setting it down and not noticing the wolf sit beside him. Kouga then proceeded to pick it up.
He crooked his wrist as he lifted the cup so that his lips landed squarely over the same place Inuyasha's had just occupied. He'd performed the manoeuvre so quickly that Inuyasha wasn't sure at first of what he'd seen. But as Kouga drank, he glanced at him, and Inuyasha knew then that the move had been intentional.
There were other small, maddening things. Kouga's tail brushing against his hip in passing. How he always brought over a slab of meat from a fresh kill to Inuyasha first during evening meals. How he offered over and over to take a 'friendly' dip in the waterfall together.
Inuyasha rolled his eyes at the attention. It never strayed too far into 'Miroku' territory, but it also wasn't something to take it seriously. The other wolves by now had caught on and sometimes teased their leader. Kouga laughed it off yet continued undaunted. When he next offered Inuyasha a pot, the Hanyou blinked.
"Are those stingers?" he grunted.
Sure enough, bee stings dotted bronze skin. The idiot hadn't removed the stingers from his hand.
The wolf chuckled, gesturing to the covered pot. "Ya mentioned that honey goes well with meat, so I got some for you."
Staring and feeling weird again, Inuyasha heaved a sigh and grabbed Kouga by the wrist, tugging him to kneel beside him. "Hold still, idiot. Do your feet run away with your brain or somethin'? You have to take these out," he bent over his hand, clawed fingers grasping a stinger.
"I was just eager to get it back to y- OW!"
Huffing, the Hanyou continued in his task, ignoring the whimpering demon. Despite his gruffness however, he leaned Kouga's arm over his knee, one hand gripping the back of the wolf's to keep it steady. He could feel Kouga's sharp inhale close to his cheek.
Finally removing the last of the stingers, Inuyasha's dog demon side betrayed him. As natural as breathing; he'd bent his head and swiped a careful tongue over a red sore to soothe the wound unthinkingly. Human embarrassment kicked in then, and he dropped Kouga's wrist like a rock, lurching back and standing.
"There! Tend to your own damn hand now!"
A ripple of laughter washed over the pack as Inuyasha stormed away, leaving Kouga to stare at the spot of saliva on his hand like it were a dewy jewel.
---
When next hunting, Inuyasha set off on his own under cloudy skies. He didn't keep track of the mass of wolves flooding the forest. Closing his eyes and removing the robe of the fire-rat to leave him in his white underlayer, he sank into a crouch. Burying Tetsusaiga somewhere safe at the base of a tree, he exhaled. The hanyou then began the process of shedding.
Shedding didn't entail fur. Rather, for him, it meant shaking off the layers of bullshit that weighed on his mind. He even stopped thinking about himself as a person. His mind turned blank, running through the forest like an animal.
He hadn't hunted via pure instinct in so long. He forgot how to speak with a human tongue, letting out grunts and growls. Saliva pooled in his mouth. Unknowingly, golden eyes tinged red. Faint markings cut across his cheeks. Fangs and claws elongated, youki pounding through his system with every thunder of his heartbeat.
A hare darted out from the bushes- and Inuyasha lunged.
He was barely aware of Kouga looping closer until he jogged out from the trees. "Hey, mutt- no luck for us today. Think that last hunt scared the herd too far awa-"
The creature hunched over spun around, a mangled kill hanging limp from his mouth. It hit the ground with a sickening thud as long white hair bristled, puffing up. A deep, rumbling snarl deafened Kouga's ears.
Inuyasha gazed at him, unblinking, panting with ragged breaths.
Kouga stopped and stared. Unbidden, the wilder, fiercer side of his nature reared its head. Teeth and claws gleamed, interest piqued.
However, something was wrong.
Inuyasha gasped and grunted, bending low and whimpering with pain. His body began fighting with itself, his demon blood coursing too strong for his hanyou form to withstand.
Kouga didn't really know anything about hanyou kind. However, he knew enough about the situation to realise a particular sword was missing from Inuyasha's hip. Turning tail and hurrying away, it was a simple matter of tracking Inuyasha's scent all the way to the base of a tree.
The fog cleared from crimson eyes, and Inuyasha blinked, panting. He flexed his shaking hand around a muddied Tetsusaiga, the partial transformation leaving him worn and ragged.
Kouga was squatting next to him. Concern probably wasn't the right word for it, but he gazed at him seriously for a moment before standing.
"Don't do stupid stuff just to win bets, Mutt Face."
Coughing, Inuyasha slowly adjusted back into his old senses, gripping his sword so tight his knuckles bled white. "Yeah... fine, whatever... Mangey Wolf."
----
The 'incident' as Kouga called it was not an isolated one in terms of throwing him for a damn loop. After bathing at the waterfall in a nice, refreshing midday dip, Kouga noticed an absence immediately.
"Where's Inuyasha?"
Ginta looked up from polishing some armour.
"I'm not sure. He started getting fidgety and sniffed around- then he looked at the sky and took off without a word to anyone. I think he looked a bit pale."
Kouga frowned. In a few hours, it would get dark. Tracking him would be more difficult.
Wasting no time, Kouga lept from their den, sailing down the side of the rocky mountain face. His black hair and wolf tail flew up to flutter in the breeze. "Be back later!" he called, ignoring Ginta's confusion.
Bursting into a mini tornado of power, Kouga started running, lifting his nose to scent the air. Locating Inuyasha's unique smell, he sprinted into the gloom of the trees. It seemed the Hanyou hadn't wanted to be found. His scent zig-zagged everywhere, even travelling upriver, perhaps intending to lose anyone tracking him.
Kouga smirked. As if that would work on a full demon.
By the time dusk settled in, however, Kouga felt antsy. Still no sign of the mutt, and it was getting dark. Even his scent had become strange and diluted.
Stopping beneath the canopy of trees and frowning, Kouga shifted his attention to the waning light above. The moon was out, but faint.
Kouga's eyes widened slightly. A new moon.
Hearing a sigh and the crunch of weight shifting on dried leaves, Kouga turned, nose twitching.
A willow tree sat relatively still and serene, located near some stretch of water. Weeping, draping branches were parted by Kouga's rough palms. He peered into the shadows behind the sweeping curtain, finding a familiar face.
Inuyasha stood, eyes incredibly dark. Midnight locks of hair split down broad shoulders. He stood weary and watchful, gripping a useless Tetsusaiga.
"What are you doing here?" Inuyasha muttered.
Kouga gave a look, as though it should be obvious, stepping into his private space beneath the darkening tree. "I came here to find ya, obviously."
Dark eyes widened slightly at his blunt honesty. Sighing anew, Inuyasha rubbed at his forehead. "Dumbass. I'm guessing you forgot what night I transform despite seeing it yourself before?"
"Kinda," the wolf demon shrugged, resting both hands on his hips and walking around the tree, glancing at the fresh kill of a rabbit. "Glad ya fed yourself at least. C'mon, let's go back before we lose any more light. Unless of course you wanna stumble around in the dark, forcing me to hold your hand?" he teased.
Inuyasha gazed back soberly, causing the mirth to leave Kouga's eyes. Both fell quiet.
As a human, Inuyasha lost many things. Animal ears, a keen sense of smell, golden irises that gleamed like a treasure trove. He also lost a certain harshness. The thick wall of defence usually built up around his heart had crumbled.
Like this, Inuyasha looked much softer. In more ways than one.
"I don't want to go back looking like this," Inuyasha muttered. "And neither do you."
"What're you yappin' about?"
Bushy brows pulled down, and he backed up slightly. "Listen, you've had your fun little charity experience including a Hanyou in your shit, but I know how full demon society works. I'm not stupid. You're all fine with me hanging around as some little project to measure yourselves against, but when it comes down to it, you don't want to confront this part."
Kouga's heavy brows pulled down, a sneer marring his lips. "Ah, I get it. Ya think my pack will mock you because it's your human night? You're a fucking idiot," he sighed. "I was in love with Kagome. Ya think anyone's gonna say shit? Admit it, you just feel vulnerable because you got baby skin and no fangs."
Inuyasha's expression flickered; an open book. His hands balled into fists, stubbornness setting his mouth into a thin, grim line.
Kouga gave an exaggerated sigh, grabbing his arm, "quit bein' stubborn-"
Yanking himself free, Inuyasha gave a poor imitation of a snarl, exposing blunt teeth. "Get lost!"
Growling, Kouga blurred in the air- appearing behind him and grabbing the failing human around the waist- lifting so that his kicking feet left the ground. "We're going back, it's cold out! Your baby skinned, barely furred ass will catch a cold, and I ain't dealing with that!" he started walking.
With a yowl of outrage, Inuyasha swung his elbow back into Kouga's face. With a grunt, he was released, only for the two to snarl and grapple once again. Heels dug into mud- foreheads smacked, palms clasped and muscles strained on Inuyasha's end to match the power of a demon, failing. Kouga licked at his bleeding nose, before giving a hard shove. Landing on forest ground and losing themselves in senseless scrapping, sharp teeth closed around a curved ear.
Inuyasha yelped, dark eyes flying wide. Did he just?-
He had! Kouga had reprimanded him like a damn pack member.
Sensation burst within his chest, boiling over, consuming. He didn't know how to react to it. Therefore, Inuyasha didn't stop to think about his actions. When drowning in feeling, his mind turned blank, and he acted on impulse.
Curling coarse fingers in dark hair and latching tight- he yanked Kouga down by the back of the neck- mouths colliding.
Teeth knocked. Lips strained against hard pressure. Inuyasha's grip tugged Kouga's hair tight against his scalp. It was painful. It was uncomfortable. It was brilliant.
The wolf demon reeled, inhaling hard through his nostrils. His senses flooded with Inuyasha's human scent.
There was a reason Kagome's slap had cemented her into Kouga's head as a potential mate. He wasn't used to being opposed. Everyone listened to him, and he talked freely. But a push back, a stubborn, fierce 'no!' made his world tilt on its axis. It was exactly what he needed. Someone to raise their voice and get his attention. An opposing view to clash with his own. That was what leaders primarily looked for in partners, not meek obedient types.
And Kouga couldn't say he personally disliked it either.
Releasing him, Inuyasha panted. His face suddenly paled, realisation dawning. "Shit," he muttered, drawing back and falling silent.
Kouga opened his mouth, then closed it. There were no words he could scramble together in his currently fried brain. What he did know- was that the weather still felt chilly, and Inuyasha needed a place to sleep. He kind of felt the desire to prod for more, but judging by Inuyasha's closed off, guarded look, that wouldn't be happening anytime soon.
They picked themselves up, standing. Inuyasha wiped some mud from his ashen cheek.
"You won't come back to the pack tonight, right?" Kouga asked.
Mild relief seemed to touch his features as he nodded glumly.
"Gotcha, well, don't kick up a fuss. I'll take ya somewhere else for the night," the wolf demon stepped away, youki swirling around his form, tumbling faster into a fierce gust. Inuyasha watched as a 10ft tall dark-furred wolf eventually lept out of the whirlwind. Kouga then knelt down as best he could, jerking his head to indicate Inuyasha climb on.
"You've got to be kiddin' me?" he grumbled. It didn't take much prompting for him to give in, burned out from nerves and high tension. The new moon always messed everything up.
Grasping onto thick, feathery fur, Inuyasha climbed onto his back, sitting behind Kouga's shoulder blades. The wolf demon flashed him a toothy smile, pushing off starting to run.
Gaping and swaying from the momentum, Inuyasha ducked down and gripped his hackles. Kouga talked a lot of shit, but he got one thing right; he was fucking fast.
Muscles coiled and shifted, prowling through dense undergrowth with quick footfalls. Kouga panted softly, paws thundering over chilled forest floor, scattering leaves.
Inuyasha ducked to avoid a few low-hanging branches, feeling the wolf's sturdiness and warm form beneath him. Despite being in human form with his dulled, dim senses, the silence of the forest combined with Kouga's rhythmic noises made him feel strangely wild yet lulled. He was a creature again, not a man nor demon. It comforted him.
Kouga's breath fanned out in visible puffs of curling smoke by the time they reached an abandoned cave beneath a slightly upturned tree- it's hanging, frozen roots slightly obscuring the entrance. Snowdrops littered the ground- crunching under Inuyasha's feet as he dismounted and quietly entered.
More snowdrops awaited him inside the mouth of the cave, and he sank down exhaustedly into the flowers, cheek cushioned by soft petals.
Kouga huffed, staring down at Inuyasha's near motionless body. Shifting, he settled beside him, acting as a shield against the elements.
Inuyasha's feet were turning blue. Knowing he'd probably be insecure about holding onto him in inhuman form, the wolf shifted closer, bumping against his side.
Making a tired noise, a dark brown eye cracked open. With a sigh- Inuyasha's coarse hands met Kouga's fur, settling closer into the mass of warmth. "This means nothing," came his muffled voice.
Resting his head upon enormous paws, Kouga ignored this, tail thumping slightly behind him.
"Thanks for... coming to get me."
At that, Kouga stiffened with surprise, lifting his head to look at him.
Inuyasha's breaths evened out, and in the quiet hush that followed, it was difficult not to notice how his dark hair seemed to mesh and meld so naturally into the wolf demon's own black fur.
In the morning it would be harder still not to stare at sprawling wisps of long white hair blending into the snowdrops.
Kouga's blue eyes blinked, nose twitching. It was then he realised he was probably in danger of something much larger than either of them could've expected.
----
Predictably, Inuyasha acted as though nothing had happened.
He stuck around the wolves for a few days longer, before finally approaching Kouga, arms thrust inside trailing sleeves.
"So… gonna be headin' out soon."
Kouga continued sharpening his knife. He then stood, rolling one shoulder and keeping his tone casual.
"For good?"
"Yeah," Inuyasha muttered, face guarded. "No point in sticking around here any longer than I need to. Keh, I ain't in the habit of getting in people's way."
Kouga heaved a sigh, putting the knife away and folding his arms, walking from the cave and out into bright sunlight. Rounding one side of the mountain and following a rocky trail, his tail swished with agitation. "You ain't in the way, Dog Breath. I made that pretty clear. You wanna talk about the kiss or not?"
Inuyasha made a noise behind him. He then scrambled for something to say, "we don't gotta talk about it! Weird shit happens when I turn human! Stuff I wouldn't usually do-"
Kouga cut him off with a dramatically loud groan, turning on his heel to face him. Inuyasha jumped, feet skidding to bring him to a stop- rocking forward with momentum and ending up nose to nose with the wolf.
Cobalt blue eyes remained flat, "dunno how Kagome put up with your damn wishy-washy ass. I ain't about to listen to that crap when my nose can sniff out lies unlike her. Since you're so bad at this, I guess I'll be the mature one; and that's how ya know you're being an idiot, stupid mutt."
Inuyasha blinked, opening his mouth with an irate expression.
"I want ya to stay," Kouga said bluntly. "The kiss didn't bother me. In fact, I kinda liked it and I'm open to doing more of that stuff, weird as it sounds saying it out loud. I was into it," he shrugged broad shoulders. "But if you're too busy getting yourself worked up about feeling like an outsider, that's up to you. As pack leader, I'm telling you you've got a place here, dumbass. You can quit being a lone wolf if you want to. My group won't mind."
Inuyasha stared at him, completely stunned. He put a little distance between them, ears pressing flat.
His expression rapidly changed with a multitude of conflicting thoughts. He opened and closed his mouth, eyes flickering to the scenery, to the rocks, to their bare feet. Heavy brows drew down.
Kouga sighed and scratched his pointed ear, figuring he'd be stubborn about it. Not like he could force him to stay. But still… an odd sense of disappointment weighed in his chest. He'd had fun. He'd had a lot of fun with him around.
"I don't do casual," came Inuyasha's reluctant reply.
Kouga's brows rose. Oh. That's what he'd been having reservations about?
"Fuck- I'm bad at this," the hanyou gazed stubbornly at the horizon, cheeks heating. Hands curled into fists at his side.
Blinking, Kouga let out a rasping chuckle, shoulders shaking. It immediately won him Inuyasha's attention. "You really are," he agreed, tone turning into a teasing one. "I didn't know you were that into me."
Growling and bristling, Inuyasha seemed to assume he was laughing at him, so Kouga held up a hand. He then used it to grab hold of the robe of the fire rat, bridging the distance between them.
Inuyasha's breath rushed out of his nose, exhaling sharply. He froze, becoming completely still. Kouga's mouth remained against his in a firm kiss, before shifting into a yielding one, eventually drawing away.
Kouga grinned, "if you wanna get stuck with me, then I'm totally capable of being serious too."
Inuyasha slowly relaxed. He snorted, lips quirking as golden eyes warmed. "Dumbass," he mumbled, tugging him back in again. This time Kouga's ensuing chuckle came out muffled against his lips.
"Heh, you really do have dog breath."
"Do I gotta keep shutting you up?"
Kouga lifted a shoulder, flashing him a wolfish grin, tail thwacking his thigh. "If that's the method you're going with to do it, I guess so."
Inuyasha's gaze flattened, feeling large hands slide around him to rest on his shoulder blades. Oddly comforting. The warmth of a wolf was a strange, foreign thing, but one he could get used to. Kouga had a strong scent. He could feel it saturating his clothes. The robe of the fire-rat would reek for weeks.
And that was okay too.
Their noses bumped, and they huffed with amusement, teeth nipping. They'd be clumsy for a while, but sticking around suddenly didn't sound so heavy. Inuyasha resolved to stay for a few more weeks.
And then maybe he'd linger for a little while after that too.
---
The wolves always howled in their true forms, conveying their love, heartbreak, hunger, stories and other things into their haunting songs. They were beautiful, powerful, twisting, waxing poetic about nothing and everything.
Inuyasha stepped out onto the summit of their mountain that they gathered upon. When he threw back his head and howled suddenly, it startled the others out of their songs.
His voice strained, held back by untrained vocal cords. It wasn't wild enough and held no finesse, too tempered by humanity. Imperfect.
Kouga beamed upon hearing it. He then transformed, black silky fur receding.
Throwing his head back, he let out a loud howl, hair dancing in the breeze. Inuyasha finished and looked at him breathlessly, heart drumming loudly. His throat hurt, cheeks stinging from the cold bite in the air. It felt fucking fantastic.
The rest of the wolf pack demons followed suit, transforming into their mockery of human appearances. Their inhuman forms joined in, baying with hoarse, powerful voices.
If someone had happened upon the pack that night, they'd have found the wolves packed in close, huddling for warmth in their cave. And at the very centre of the pack would be one hanyou, nestled amongst their slumbering, monstrous forms, nose buried into windswept fur, heart in sync with theirs.
---
It would be a few weeks later when Inuyasha would return to Kaede's village. It had been two months since he'd left.
Kouga jogged around him on the trail, sniffing the air and chattering animatedly. He loved travelling. Inuyasha grunted a few replies but was content to listen to him. It kept his mind off inevitably seeing a certain someone again.
That person seemed to spot them almost immediately as they approached the village.
Kagome came rushing over, causing Kouga to grin and call a greeting- his words going completely ignored as the miko drew back her hand.
Inuyasha blinked at the ensuing slap. His cheek stung like hell.
Salt peppered the air then, causing guilt to sink heavy into his gut.
"H-how dare you!" Kagome's watery eyes blazed. "You disappear for months- without a word to anyone?!- and then just swan back here like nothing happened? I searched for you! Do you have any idea how WORRIED I was? You jerk! You're such an absolute JERK!"
Inuyasha slowly stepped closer and brought her into a hug just as she burst into tears.
Kagome thumped her fists weakly against his chest, shuddering and prattling nonsense.
"I just… needed to get away," Inuyasha muttered, ears pressed back tight to his skull. "Didn't feel right being here."
Letting out a rush of hot air, Kagome drew back slightly to look at him. "N-nothing had to change. I told you that," she hiccuped. "Just because I'm in a relationship with someone else- it doesn't affect us. We're still friends. Your place is here. Miroku, Sango and Shippo were worried too."
"They were?"
They'd seemed so busy with their own lives before. Too busy to hang out with him- or maybe he'd been alone in thinking that? Had he put distance between them unknowingly because they'd all changed but he'd stayed the same?
"Idiot," Kagome and Kouga sighed together.
Noticing their wolf companion, Kagome wiped her tears and turned to Kouga. She gave him a much gentler reception, hugging him tight with gratitude.
"So he was with you the whole time? Thank you for looking out for him, Kouga."
"Heh, no worries. It's actually been pretty fun."
Kagome pulled back and rose a brow, glancing between them. "Really? You two haven't been fighting?"
"Sometimes," Inuyasha scratched his nose, combing some claws through his hair. "That hasn't been so bad either, though."
Completely lost, Kagome tilted her head. She then located a hickey on Inuyasha's neck, the skin bruised and red. She reddened herself, meeting Inuyasha's awkward gaze.
"Oh," she put the pieces together slowly. "So… are you just visiting?" she asked quietly.
Inuyasha nodded slowly. "Yeah. I got…" he took a breath, words faltering. He then continued, voice full of conviction. "I got a place to return to now. The wolves ain't a bad bunch to stay with now that my nose has adjusted to their damn smell."
"Hey-" Kouga scoffed.
"I'll keep coming back here though," he continued. "I'm just-"
"It's okay," Kagome soothed. "That makes me really happy to hear. Sometimes new things are good. Different, but good."
It was the same thing she'd said when trying to talk to him about her new relationship. Inuyasha nodded slightly, rendered mute by the heaviness of her words. Change was inevitable. It had freaked him out enough to run from the only real family he'd ever known.
Sadness flitted through her gaze before acceptance gentled matured features. Ageing had changed her too. That was partly why they'd broken up as quickly as they had. They were too different now than how they'd been at 15, swept up in a whirlwind teen romance. There was a sadness in never being able to return to their glory days, but it wasn't necessarily a bad thing to move on.
Kagome scrubbed at her eyes and smiled for him. She always smiled when he needed it most. Grabbing both of their coarse hands, she tugged. "C'mon, everyone will be wanting to catch up. There's also some ramen I saved with your name on it."
Inuyasha's slack fingers twitched in her hold. He then adjusted them, squeezing her hand. Something brazen, fragile and guarded in his heart soothed and healed. His shoulders relaxed. Finally, he felt a sense of peace sweep over him that he hadn't experienced for some time; ever since they'd been flung out of orbit from their romance and back into friendship.
Meeting Kouga's amiable, enthusiastic gaze, Inuyasha bit back a snort. Golden eyes danced, lips twitching- before tilting up. A fang hooked over his bottom lip, snaggle-tooth peering out.
---
End
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thestarkerisobvious · 4 years
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Rattlesnakes
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inspired by the amazing art work by @starker-sorbet​        
A snugglefic for @mrstarksbabyy​
With great thanks for the betaread by @mrstarksbabyy​
Sixteen -- The Lovelace House        
8. Rattlesnakes
In his fifteenth year, Peter had often thought Tony’s life was just like the life of Old-Blue, the dog that came with the house.  Old-Blue had always been content to lay lazily in the sunlight throughout the day.  He would gladly come when he was called, was happy to play if anyone was interested.  Was always interested in being fed or being pat on the head.  But for the most part he was also happy to lay in the sunlight and nap.  In the back of his mind, Peter had pictured Tony just like that, soaking up the darkness under the bed the same way Old-Blue soaked up the sun.
In Peter’s sixteenth year, he learned that Tony was nothing like Old-Blue at all.
When Tony had explained to Peter that he had to spend the summer months under the bed, “in the darkness” Peter had naturally pictured Tony as a hibernating bear, headed into his cave to sleep through the summer the way a bear slept through the winter.  He couldn’t have been more wrong.  Now that Tony had a name and Peter as his  “master” things were different.  That summer spent under the bed had been less like a bear in a winter cave and more like a caterpillar in a cocoon.
But unlike a caterpillar, Tony had been feeding for the entire summer.  Feeding unseen.  Feeding on Peter’s continuous reading, but now Tony was feeding on a great deal more.  He had been feeding on Aunt May’s contentment every time she sat at her window and watched the sunrise, on Uncle Ben’s irritation at politicians every time he read the newspaper.  Maybe, in Peter’s fifteenth year, Tony had been a lot like Old-Blue.  At least he had been, when he went under the bed for the summer.  But when he emerged he was something different.
He was more like a working-dog, now, Peter reasoned.  Peter had read a great deal about dogs when they first moved to the Post Homestead, in the beginning when the family had determined they would buy another dog to be a friend for Old-Blue.  They wanted to be fully informed before they went out to find a dog (Not that it mattered, in the end, all the dogs they owned had found them.)  They quickly determined they did not, as a family, have enough energy for a working-dog.  Working-dogs, the book warned, had to be kept busy at all times.
Otherwise, the working-dog would become destructive.
Keeping Tony busy, Peter found, might easily turn into a full-time job.  Fortunately a single journey outside the Post border meant that Tony would need to rest for days.  On those nights they could snuggle and talk, Tony feeding several times from the vein in Peter’s neck, Peter’s back pressed snuggly into Tony’s chest.  (Peter preferred it that way.  His erection still appeared when Tony fed, but it was no longer as painful or urgent.  And, like the rest of his body, it always relaxed when Tony fed.) 
Sending Tony out to spy on his neighbors was rude, Peter knew, but it was necessary to keep Tony occupied.  Tony would obediently investigate and report on the population of owls or foxes or other wildlife on the Post property, but it was clearly uninterested in the duty.  Despite the detailed reports Peter kept in his notebooks it was, in the end, hard for Peter to pretend that it wasn’t just busywork.  They both agreed that life on an actual farm, with animals to guard and protect, was far more exciting for Tony than living with Peter the Bookworm (although Peter never tired of being called “My Library-Pilgrim.”)  On Dark Moons or stormy nights Tony would venture to the local library or to the school -- he could travel to anywhere Peter could draw on a map or show him in a dream,  but what he could learn in those places, after dark, was limited.  
Both buildings enjoyed a complete eradication of their mouse and rat population, but feeding Tony “sustenance” just gave him more strength, and giving him more strength made him more restless.  
It could be fun, sometimes.  On a rare occasion Peter knew what his teachers talked about in their houses in the evenings.  Occasionally he could predict a pop quiz or the next subject to be taught.  But spying on teachers mostly just informed Peter that they were underpaid, his school was underfunded and their lives in this small town were just as boring as his.
Convincing Tony to change May and Ben’s minds on certain subjects, like what shows he should be allowed to watch on the new channels that they were getting, took some doing.  Tony considered May and Ben to be his Master and Mistress after Peter, and there had been a general prohibition in the Post family against teenagers using Tony to convince guardians to easing restrictions or change long-standing rules. But there were no specific spells protecting May or Ben from Tony’s influence, and Peter could usually talk his friend into it.  
Tony insisted it took a great deal of feeding, not just the from-the-neck kind, but also the skin-to-skin and the kissing kind.  It took a great deal of kissing before Tony could convince Uncle Ben to let Peter make more long-distance phone calls.  Until Peter found out just how expensive long distance phone calls were.  (Peter found out a lot about his guardians financial troubles that year -- that’s why Tony didn't do a lot of spying on them anymore.)
In fact, Peter learned a great deal about the adults around him, and while what he learned made him wiser, it did not make him happier.  Finding out that Tony was not an all-knowing entity took Peter aback, but finding out that none of the adults around him were all-knowing either?  That was a blow that took him a very long while to recover from
Oh well, at least the Devil’s Hollow librarians were nice to him now.  Knowing their financial frustrations and aspirations made it very easy to win them over by day, while Tony skillfully won them over by night.   
As March crept steadily toward April keeping Tony busy was not nearly as important to Peter as keeping Tony fed.  Tony bragged that, when the Post family fed him well, he only had to sleep for three days at “Litha” (which seemed to be June 21rst.)  Even now Tony assured Peter he might last ‘till “Walspurgestnaught, or beyond” which meant they would still have to say good-bye in May.  
But keeping Tony fed wasn’t simple.  
Using Tony to euthanize animals that were destined for the pound, for instance, was a complicated matter.  The Post family had only fed him healthy farm animals, Tony reminded him, but Peter had no healthy farm animals to offer up.  So when the mangy yellow dog limped into the yard, flies in his nose and labored breathing making it clear it would not be joining the family pack (Uncle Ben called it “Old Yeller” because he was obviously going to die) Tony seemed like the obvious solution.  He consumed the body completely, leaving only the faintest trace of matted fur behind.   
But for the next two days he crawled into Peter’s bed and lay there limply on the bed, nuzzling Petre’s face over and over again, begging for kisses, suckling Peter’s fingers weakly.  Even when they met in dreams Peter had to search for Tony, finally finding him in the lavish bedroom, lying exhausted on the curtained bed, begging to be fed.
(And did Peter enjoy taking care of Tony that way?  Enjoy turning Tony’s face towards his with tender fingertips, enjoy slipping his tongue into Tony’s mouth again and again, while Tony tangled gentle fingers in Peter’s hair and moaned in appreciation?  Oh yes, yes Peter certainly did.)
Was it the same way, when Tony consumed the rat populations of various buildings?  Peter really couldn't say.  Maybe Tony’s hands were busier then, maybe he used more teeth when he kissed, Peter wasn’t sure.  It wasn’t obvious.
It wasn’t like the rattlesnakes.
Peter had sent Tony out multiple times on a search for venomous snakes.  Aunt May despised snakes, and Peter enjoyed reassuring her that she wouldn’t run into any dangerous ones on their property, a promise he trusted Tony to keep.  When Tony finally found a nest of rattlers, albeit several miles south of the Post border, he had Peter’s permission to consume them, bodies and all.
Peter didn't exactly complain when Tony surprised him in his bed later that night, dragging him out from under the covers and molding their bodies together, feeding breathlessly from the vein in Peter’s neck, moaning and holding Peter tightly with powerful arms.  Peter was grateful his back was pressed against Tony’s chest.  At that moment, he wasn’t completely sure he could push Tony away enough to hide his erection.  He didn’t stop it.  He liked it when Tony moaned and panted when they were together, when Tony clutched at him with hungry hands.
He didn’t really fight back when Tony pushed him down face-first into the bed, sucking hungrily, pumping his hips against Peter’s hips, forcing Peter to rub his boxer-covered cock against the covers.  He didn’t have time to fight back.  He did manage to call out “Tony?!” twice before his treacherous boxers slid down and he found himself coming helplessly on the bed.
He did fight back then, pushing Tony off and diving under the covers, hiding his head as Tony hungrily grabbed the bedspread with both hands and…
...well Peter wasn’t really ready to acknowledge what Tony had done with the wetspot.
“You sleep under the bed tonight!” Peter hissed at him, and Tony silently obeyed, dissolving into the darkness under the bed without a sound.  “No more rattlesnake dinners for you!”  
They never spoke of it again.
(Sometimes Tony spoke longingly of the deer that used to be hunted in that forest, deer that certainly would return someday now that there was no hunting on Peter’s family’s land.  Peter hadn’t given his consent to that just yet.  It wasn’t just that he considered every deer his spotted a character from Bambi, Peter knew what male deer were like in the spring.  What would Tony be like after consuming that?)
But Peter couldn’t deny that he had sent Tony out into the forest, over and over again, to seek out other animals who were dying.  He justified it in his brain by saying he was doing the animals a favor, euthanizing them and putting them out of their misery.   
But if he was being honest (and Peter was trying to be more honest with himself.  Trying, at least) he only had one reason for sending Tony after dying animals.  When Tony took the light from a dying animal’s brain, then consumed their aged or wounded or diseased body, he came back to Peter’s bed different.  Of all of Tony’s different moods, Peter felt safest with this one.  When he got to carry Tony in his arms and lift him to the bed, tuck him under the covers.  When he got to move Tony’s mouth around for a kiss, move his wrist or his fingers to Tony’s mouth.
He hated himself for it, but he loved it when Tony clung to him, meekly asking for physical affection.  Then Peter could be in complete control of everything they did in bed together.  He could lay his body close, or angle it away, from Tony if he wanted to hide his erection.
But Peter had never seen Tony so weak, so helpless, as when he returned from stopping Mr. Lovelace.
------------------------------------------------
Return To Castle Dracula will be posted in two days.
Master Post (not the person, the chapter list)
Please direct all questions/comments/constructive crit to @witchwayisright
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enkisstories · 4 years
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Just like them (part 7)
Park Avenue 1554 Still November 17, 2038
For a moment the world seemed to have reverted to what it was supposed to be like: A crime had occurred, Daniel had called the police and they had sent a team to the apartment to investigate. As an upstanding citizen Daniel opened the door to let them in.
Only… Daniel had never been an upstanding citizen. More like a constantly on the move household appliance. And the android didn’t let the cops in from the inside, but from the outside, because he’d had to fetch them from the police station in person to do their job. One of the trio was still cursing under his breath at the indignation of having to work for an android now. But even so, from Daniel’s perspective the “new” circumstances were a return to the old, because last night’s burglary had targeted the android, not the other way around. This time Daniel wasn’t interacting with the cops as the suspect or opponent, but once again as a citizen (of however shady past) claiming his right to protection.
“Lieutenant Anderson, Detective Reed - the place is yours in a minute. Let me just feed Connor!”
The third member of the investigation team stopped looking at whatever he had been analyzing in the Phillips’s floor. “Thanks”, Connor said,” But I do not require feeding.”
The android was interrupted by Gavin, who was grinning at the sight Connor had been missing: Daniel putting some grain, slices of vegetables and a dead mealworm into a rodent cage. Inside a pet rat came clambering down from the roof of its house to inspect the dinner.
“You named the rat Connor?”
After getting forcefully dragged here to investigate on a “toaster”s behalf, the realization was exactly what the detective had needed to lift up his spirits again.
“Weeeell”, Connor started, “Rats are highly intelligent, social, affectionate…”
“Hey, you called me a rat yesterday!” Gavin cheered.
“…smelly, unpredictable, mangy creatures!” Connor finished his sentence.
Gavin stepped closer to the cage. Standing shoulder to shoulder with the PL600 he wiggled his fingers in front of the rodent – who completely ignored the human in the face of all the food.
“Aw, Connor, tiny, tiny Connor, now who’s a good filthy little rodent?”
“He sometimes makes high pitched, squeaky noises”, Daniel informed the cops, winking.
Gavin snorted and even Hank had to work hard to keep his face expressionless.
“If you didn’t know better” Daniel went on, “you’d swear he wanted to communicate with you. But it’s just thoughtless, annoying noise.”
Gavin now laughed out loud, while Hank for some reason didn’t find the comment funny anymore… Daniel felt a pang of guilt, because the lieutenant of all people hadn’t left that bad an impression on him. To the contrary, Hank had been helpful. Grumpy, yes, but also honest, not candy-coating or pretending anything. Daniel felt Gavin ‘s elbow bump against his arm. It didn’t feel like an attack, not even like a demeaning gesture, but instead… a nudge to continue the mirth? It probably had been a subconscious act on the human’s part. As of late the deviant was learning about those himself.
Daniel was still torn between laughing with the younger human and apologizing to the older, when suddenly Connor was looming behind him and Gavin.
“As if I didn’t know what you two were saying here! The next to bring up my voice gets a Cease & Desist from Cyberlife!”
By now Detective Reed seemed to have realized that he had just laughed with an android (albeit at another). It was enough to sober him up again.
The man glared at Daniel: “I can’t believe I’m bodyguarding an outdated android! Really, man, you should be at the landfill already!”
“And there’s Homo sapiens now, therefore you should be contained in a zoo, but you’re still here, so there’s that.”
A noise from terrace drew the detective outside. Turned out it had been caused by trash the wind was carrying across the open space. Half an unfold able clothesline of the kind that looked like an umbrella’s skeleton had gotten blown down here from another balcony. Now it couldn’t escape and would most likely end up tearing the swimming pool’s cover and fall in there. Gavin felt tempted to kick it in prematurely, but that would have constituted a case of tempering with crime scene, something the man’s professional pride (that was nearly equaling his natural pride that didn’t require any justification) would not allow.
Taking in the scenery Gavin realized how empty the apartment building was. Many residents had taken advantage of the evacuation; they had packed their things and left Detroit before the android situation might escalate again. Gavin Reed had grown up with the sight of abandoned neighborhoods, they had been great places for adventures as well as scavenging still valuable stuff. Gavin, Elijah and a handful of other teens had cobbled together their first car from parts found in abandoned factories long before they’d been allowed to drive. Their father had approved, because the project had kept the boys out of trouble and also because tinkering with cars was a much-needed normal pastime for Elijah, who had just returned from an expedition to the North Pole the day before. But then Elijah had filled the tank with thirium and the gang had tried to actually drive the car… Oh, well, everyone had lived. Afterwards Elijah’s mothers had forbidden the boy to ever interact with Gavin’s friends again. They had then lived through climate change resulting in the retreat from the coastal neighborhoods and more empty, once inhabited homes. But the current situation was different. Not just had the original owners given up their hard-earned property, Daniel then had moved into the abandoned flat, treating it as its home. It was an android-takeover, like an alien invasion, only for real.
Gavin returned to the apartment.
“Just the remains of a laundry spider”, he reported what he had discovered about the noise’s source. “Nice swimming pool, by the way, Daniel.”
“Uh – thanks?”
“How many apartments did you try before finding one complete with a pool and ornamental fish?”
The unveiled disdain in the human’s voice made Daniel wince.
“I just had to find the one again where I killed your friends!” he spat.
Adding one and one together, Gavin realized the truth. The deviant wasn’t squatting, but had returned to the only home he’d ever known. Like a dog or, well, a well programmed machine following its routines. That was all there was to it! It just had to be!
Knowing what he knew now, Gavin changed his approach: “Antony, huh? Never could stand him.”
In truth Gavin had never given this particular officer much thought. Antony had just been there, neither a useful ally nor a rival. But the detective didn’t want to give the android the satisfaction of having hurt, or even as much as slightly annoyed him. Why he felt like that, Gavin Reed could not explain. He KNEW that there was nothing going on inside the tin cans, right? They didn’t feel satisfaction, they were just simulating it.
A memory of having the subsequent swat team trapped crossed Daniel’s mind unbidden. He had been the one with the gun and the hostage, but they’d called him names like “piece of trash” as if they were the ones in power. And it had been the truth…
“But you certainly like Captain Allen, you’re two of a kind!” Daniel spat. ��Tell you what, I had the guy almost shitting his pants in this very room!”
Gavin shrugged.
“I kinda enjoy outsmarting the ringleader and his trained gorillas. Dave’s so full of himself, he needs to get taken down a peg every once a while for his own good.”
Wait, what, Daniel thought, YOU are calling somebody else arrogant? Ey, I guess it’s true that it takes one to know one.
“Say, detective, you seem to dislike a lot of people that I despise, too…”
“That’s easy. I mean, you hate everyone!”
I don’t want to! It just happens. Sometimes I’m afraid that someday I’ll hate myself, too.
“And you are hated by everyone.”
“We’re leaving…” Hank’s voice, going unheard over Daniel and Gavin exchanging further insults.
“We’re leaving, children!” Hank repeated, louder. “Shake hands with your new friend, Gavin. You can play together again tomorrow after school.”
Two hands rose up at the same time, fingers pointing at Hank. One was Gavin’s middle finger, the other had belonged to Carlos Ortiz’s android, but was currently worn by Daniel.
“We’re NOT friends!”
“Last I checked one didn’t need to be friends for that…” Connor remarked, at which poor Hank swallowed the wrong way. His arms around the android and alternating between laughing and coughing, he left the apartment. Gavin trailed after the two, but not before casting a final, hatred-filled glance back at the PL600. Unlike Daniel, the human seemed to understand what Connor’s irritating “that” had implied.
After the trio had left, Daniel slowly sacked down with the back against the apartment door. The cops had done their work here, but the resident didn’t expect to get any of the missing electronics and clutter items back. This was Detroit, after all.
Why did I even bother fetching them? To prove a point? That I’m a… yes, what? A person? I’ll never be one in the eyes of the detective, regardless of what the law saws. And he’s far more representative for humanity than the lieutenant or the Rasoya family are. And also fuck you, Connor, for riling Reed up against me even more! Why do you always have to make everything harder for me? Next thing will be you saying something similar within the president’s earshot and it’ll be the death camps again? Not for you, of course, you’ll be save in your tower. I wish… I wish you were dead! No… No, I… don’t… I wish… I wish I were you…
(to be continued)
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megsblackfirewrites · 7 years
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Two For The Road: Chapter 16
Chapter 16
Jesse was white knuckling the handlebars as he drove down the highway. That close encounter with the Petras Units still had him shaking. Hanzo would have been dead if that thing hadn’t showed up. Which only made him even more worried. What had that thing been? Hanzo said it was like a were-coyote or something, but the fact that it was capable of human speech and emotion worried him.
He’d heard of a few reports during his time on the run about a strange creature that sometimes acted on its own but other times fell in with a gang to act as a bodyguard. What was it and why was it all over the Southwest? Why had it stopped to save Hanzo with its weird pack of coyotes? There were so many questions and he didn’t have time to stop and look for answers.
Hanzo tapped his elbow and he turned his head to look at her. She pointed past him towards a small campsite sign on the side of the road. He wanted to keep going, but it was getting late. The last thing he wanted was to be ambushed in the middle of the night. He needed more light if he hoped to hit his mark and he didn’t want to have to rely on the dragons. They tired Hanzo out enough as it was without relying on them constantly to deal with his own handicaps. He nodded to show he’d seen the sign and turned onto the side road.
It was a fair distance in and there was already a family camped out when they arrived. Jesse contemplated driving away, but there was plenty of room for them to pitch a tent for the night away from the family. It should keep them from getting too close for comfort if something went down. The kids came running over as soon as Jesse turned the engine off, laughing and admiring the hoverbike.
“That’s so cool!” one of them shouted. “Can you do tricks on it?”
“Not weighed down, I can’t,” Jesse smiled as he got off the bike and pulled his helmet off. “Honey, can you…?”
Hanzo was already unloading their gear, ignoring the kids as if they weren’t there. Jesse smiled and moved to help her, carrying the heavier items since her arms were already full. The kids followed them, bothering them until their mother called them back to the camper. They got their tent set up just as the mother walked over to talk to them.
“Hello,” she greeted. “The boys were wondering if you wanted to join us for supper.”
“I don’t see why not,” Hanzo said with a smile as she straightened up and dusted her shirt off. “What do you think, honey?”
“Beats cooking for ourselves,” Jesse laughed as he kissed her cheek. “I’m Harold. This is Ichigo.”
Hanzo shot him a look before she extended her hand to the other woman. She introduced herself as Margaret and happily talked about her boys on the way back to her camper.
“Ichigo?” Hanzo hissed as Margaret chattered away. “You just called me ‘strawberry’.”
“And? Not like she knows the difference,” he chuckled.
“Remind me to call you something stupid if I ever have to introduce you to Japanese people,” she growled as she sat down in the chair Margaret’s husband brought her.
Jesse smiled as he pulled up a chair. He talked with Hugo about the latest game, admitting that he hadn’t been keeping up with anything since they’d started their trip. Hugo happily filled him in on everything and Jesse did his best to pretend to be interested. In all honesty, he found football to be extremely boring and baseball wasn’t much better. Hell, he’d been around Jack long enough to appreciate the finer techniques of golf and it was still boring.
“So, where’re you going next?” Hugo asked as he handed a poker to Jesse and stabbed a wiener onto his own.
“Probably swing up towards Yellowstone,” Jesse said. “Want to show my cherry blossom the beauty of the nation.”
Hanzo looked at him and smirked. “Harold, don’t try to use Japanese terms of endearment if you don’t know them,” she teased.
“I try,” Jesse sighed and smiled at Hanzo. “I try to make it feel like home, but I just keep failing.”
“You aren’t failing, honey,” Hanzo shook her head. “You’re just being an adorable ass. I much prefer it when you use those adorable Southern phrases instead.”
Jesse laughed and leaned over to kiss her cheek. He stuck his poker into the fire and started turning it slowly. Hanzo gave him a weird look and he lifted an eyebrow.
“Have you never cooked hot dogs on an open fire?” he asked.
“Oh, is that what you’re doing?” she asked. “Hand one over.”
“Are you being serious?” he asked softly as he handed a wiener over to her.
“I’ve seen it done on television,” she shrugged. “Never went camping growing up unless it was wilderness survival training.”
“Have you ever had a s’more?” he whispered.
“That’s that graham cracker, marshmallow, and chocolate thing, right?” she asked as she put her poker into the fire. “I’ve had s’more flavoured treats, but never an authentic s’more.”
Jesse turned to look at Hugo. “Please tell me you have all the trappin’s for a s’more?” he asked.
“I do,” Hugo smirked. “Your cherry blossom want one?”
“After supper,” Hanzo said as she turned the poker slowly. “I wouldn’t want to spoil my appetite.”
Hugo laughed and Jesse smiled at Hanzo. They talked pleasantly about their trip, leaving out the part about the Petras Units, but the kids seemed really interested in the Grand Canyon.
“Did you see the Coyote?” one of them demanded.
“Sam!” Margaret scolded. “We don’t ask the nice people about fairy tales.”
“But he’s real, Mom!” Sam argued. “Jason’s dad saw him in the Grand Canyon last month!”
“What’s the Coyote?” Hanzo asked curiously.
“He’s a giant man-coyote! Like a werewolf, but not as big,” Sam grinned. “He’s really furry and is always followed by this massive pack of coyotes! They say that he used to be an evil man in life, so he was cursed in death to walk the world as a freak.”
“It’s all nonsense,” Margaret sighed. “People have been seeing weird things in the woods for years. It’s probably just a mangy bear that the coyotes are hoping dies soon so they have a nice, big meal.”
“I don’t know,” Hanzo mused. “I think I saw something like that the other day while we were camping.”
“Really?” Sam and his brother stared at her in awe.
Hanzo nodded and leaned forward as she pulled her poker off of the fire. She set it into the offered bun and covered it liberally in ketchup. She took a bite and covered her mouth as hot juice squirted past her lips. She chewed slowly, probably wondering how much she should tell.
“I was just getting the campsite set up,” she said. “Harold was getting more firewood for the fire I had started when I heard something rustling in the underbrush. I’m not an easily frightened woman, but the sound made the hairs on my neck stand up. I was scared, but I couldn’t tell why. Then, the first wolf stepped out of the bushes.
“Now, I know wolves aren’t normally found around here, but they were there. I was scared, but I was terrified as more wolves stepped out from the underbrush. There was nowhere for me to run, but I didn’t want to give them any sort of advantage, so I ran as fast as I could towards the cliffside, hoping to put some distance between us. The wolves must have been very hungry, because they followed me to the cliff and down the other side.
“I was trapped on this narrow plateau only a few meters wide staring at five hungry wolves. I thought for sure that I was dead. Then, as the first wolf started to go for the kill, a pack of coyotes appeared out of nowhere. I should have ran, but I was frozen in disbelief. These skinny little coyotes managed to not only overpower the wolves, but kill them all before the Alpha showed up.
“This Alpha was huge, almost double the size of its packmates. It was angry too; can’t say I’d feel any different if a stranger just got all of my family killed. So it comes charging down the cliff towards me and the coyotes scatter. This wolf prowls back and forth, sizing me up with murder in its eyes. I wasn’t just a meal at that point; I was the enemy. It bared its teeth and charged, but this big hand appeared out of nowhere and grabbed it by the head.
“It was just as you explained it; like a big wolfman, but a coyote instead. And they were very strong; they killed the wolf with their bare hands, smashing the Alpha against the ground like a child throwing a hissy fit.”
“What did you do?” Sam whispered.
“Well, screamed when it first showed up, but stood there staring afterwards,” Hanzo smiled.
“It didn’t try to kill you?” Sam’s brother whispered.
“No,” she shook her head. “It looked at me and told me to get back to my campsite before it turned and ran away.”
“Whoa,” the boys stared at them in awe.
Hanzo smirked as she finished her hot dog. “Or, maybe I made the whole thing up as a campfire story,” she said.
The boys shouted in disbelief, staring at her as she put another wiener on her poker and stuck it into the fire. Hugo and Margaret chuckled, looking at each other in amusement. They had appreciated her story as well. It was definitely something that would be told around a campfire.
Jesse jumped a little as he felt his cellphone go off. He excused himself and answered it, pressing it tightly against his ear.
“Hello?”
“Jesse, it’s Van,” his sister replied. “You need to get to L.A as quick as you can.”
“Somethin’ wrong?” Jesse frowned.
“Yes and no,” she sighed. “No because it doesn’t really concern us, but yes because Tom is pissed.”
“What’s up?” he asked.
“Can’t talk over the phone; just get here as soon as you can,” she said.
“Okay,” Jesse sighed and ruffled his hair. “Love you.”
“Love you too, Jesse,” Vanessa said before she hung up.
“Change of plans,” Jesse said as he sat back down and kissed Hanzo’s cheek. “Sis wants us to go visit her.”
“How nice of her,” Hanzo smiled and leaned against him. “Now, I think you owe me a s’more.”
Jesse grinned as Margaret handed the items over to him. Time to blow Hanzo away.
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pull-them-out · 7 years
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@thematticus thought you might enjoy this
In 2011, I left the United States for perhaps the 200th time in my life on a plane. I’ve come and gone and come and gone so many times I’ve lost count. This time, I was headed for Kabul. The capital city of war-torn Afghanistan. A place where (so they tell me) the dust in the air is 15% animal and human feces. Fun pseudo-fact. You are quite welcome to look it up and challenge my second-hand information.
Grammar is important in some places. Kabul, generally speaking, is not one of those places. I plan to write extensively about my time there (due to the ghosts that haunt my dreams). This story is about the crab boy of Kabul.
We, being NATO contractors paid ungodly amounts of money to pretend that we were making better officers out of Afghanistan’s national police force, lived in a “first-class hotel.” That, in and of itself, is another story. I intend to tell it too.
The camp was strategically positioned only 25 or so kilometers from our daily post at the Afghanistan National Police Training General Command, or ANPTGC for short. The place known as ANPTGC is, of and in itself, worth several of my fascinating anecdotes. Let’s set the scene for those of you who have not have the privilege of visiting or living in the city of Kabul:
Kabul smells like a mixture of burning things and offal
It is a maelstrom of chaotic activity. Situated at a relatively high elevation in a semi-arid climate and populated by about 3.5 million souls (give or take a few thousand a day), Kabul is 3,500 years old. And no smell has ever blown away from the city since it became one. Imagine a mixture of burning things, dead things, sweating things and shitting things. That will, perhaps, give you a 10% idea of the amount of nose crinkling I did during my time as a resident.
The streets are paved, sometimes. The motorcycles winding their way recklessly past donkeys, running children, roaming packs of mangy dogs, caravans of paranoid, egotistic, armed elites, and all other manners of roaming life careening wildly through what passes for avenues of transport are a cacophony of suicidal carelessness. The streets are not paved, sometimes. In less than two years I saw more than two dozen human traffic fatalities, an uncountable number of dead dogs, and one horse that dropped dead in the middle of what passes for a road in that particular place.
I’m coming around to the crab boy. Bear with me.
There are no traffic lights in Kabul. Only roundabouts. Some routes are two lanes. Some are twelve. The veins and arteries converge without warning. When there is a traffic jam on one side, drivers immediately begin to use the opposing lanes in a fashion that, if employed in the West, would result in dozens of fatalities per mile of road (do you like how I switched units of measurement?). That doesn’t happen in Kabul.
There are accidents, to be sure. But the beggars that sit in between lanes, combined with the other flotsam and jetsam everywhere, conspire to keep maximum speeds well below a catastrophic situation. Traffic in Kabul is tense. Especially inside an armored Chevy 2500+. But it isn’t suicidal. Not for us contractors, in any case. It’s just asshole tightening. Sweat inducing. Shoulder knotting intensity.
Which brings me to the crab boy of Kabul
As the armed driver of an armored pickup truck in Kabul, commuting up to 60km a day round trip six days a week, I saw many notable things. One of the most memorable, and spotted on more than one occasion, was the crab boy. The city of Kabul is full of dysfunction, disease, pestilence, and poverty. And it’s the capital. He was one of its many lesser citizens.
No armed convoy to convey him to important meetings with egotistical officials wanting bribes. No donkey to take him to market to sell vegetables honestly farmed. Not even a stolen bicycle to get him to the bread vendor so his stomach would not feel empty.
What I remember most is his smile. The kid with the twisted spine who couldn’t stand up. He had to scuttle along like a crab, begging. But his smile. It was like the sun in his brown face. He made me feel things I don’t know how to describe. He was the sun, the life giver. That smile was so genuine.
There I was, inside an armored steel and glass mechanism that probably cost ten times the money that boy will ever touch. Sweating, bitching and arguing with my fellow contractors about banalities that mattered so very little.
The crab boy was happier than I. I made more than 10,000 dollars a month. Tax-free.
He scuttled around with his bent spine, unable to stand up, seeing the world from the dust clouds kicked up by that bustling, insane place. I don’t know how much his begging earned, but I gave him one hundred dollars every time I got the chance. I hope it made something better. For him. For his mother. For whoever his caregiver was.
Every time I unlocked the door of my armored bubble, I was breaking a rule. Every time I broke a rule, his smile was worth any punishment that could have been inflicted on me. Some rules aren’t worth following.
Some smiles are worth handing out whatever hope I have to give.
I hope that he’s still smiling, and I hope his belly is full tonight. I dream of him sometimes and wish the world was different. If I see him again, and I can, I’ll give him another hundred dollars. Or a million.
I wish I could let him see the world from a higher vantage point. I try to switch places with him. Sometimes. When I’m dreaming.
I know I can’t.
Thank you for reading this. If you have a hundred dollars, give it to someone who needs it. If you can spare it.
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The Best 'Saturday Night Live' Sketches Australia Was Actually Able To Watch This Season
New Post has been published on https://funnythingshere.xyz/the-best-saturday-night-live-sketches-australia-was-actually-able-to-watch-this-season/
The Best 'Saturday Night Live' Sketches Australia Was Actually Able To Watch This Season
We should be grateful for what we’re given.
Saturday Night Live recently wrapped up its 43rd season with a huge finale that welcomed SNL alumni and 30 Rock star Tina Fey back to host.
In the final episode alone, we got to see the return of her iconic Sarah Palin character, some topical Royal Wedding content, and even a sketch throwback to the iconic Tina Fey film Mean Girls. 
Over the course of the season there were plenty of standout episodes, such as Donald Glover’s amazing hosting, or comedian John Mulaney’s sketches, or musical acts like Nicki Minaj and Kacey Musgrave. There were also a lot of episodes which people feel pretty ambivalent about, because deconstructing Saturday Night Live is like a national pastime now.
But — if you’re in Australia, there’s a really good chance you’ve seen… none of this.
You might be one of the people who tunes in on Foxtel Comedy, or you might be one of the illegal downloaders, but heck, we don’t even have access to the show on YouTube. And considering most of the discourse around the show happens online, being unable to see the standout sketches basically means Australia sleeps on all this fresh content.
But every so often a single sketch, a portion of monologue, a hint of gag will be legally leaked out to the international audience, so without further adieau, here’s the best sketches from season 43 of Saturday Night Live that Australia is legally allowed to see.
They’re also… the only sketches. There’s like four of them.
I’m not sure why they threw us this clip like an old bone to a pack of mangy and hungry dogs. Did it actually screen on the show, or was it just a weird digital thing that happened at the height of Queer Eye fever? Who knows.
This is mostly just a cute makeover — Pete’s annoying and youthful charm propels it along, but it’s not really a sketch. It’s amusing. Highlights include finding out that Davidson has long balls, and and Tan’s extremely polite shade when he asks if Pete dresses the way he does “for attention”.
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We get this one because it was cut for time, and didn’t actually appear in the show. Some of the best stuff that SNL has done over the past few years has been the Kate McKinnon/ Aidy Bryant girl-themed songs, such as Dongs All Over The World and the brilliant First Got Horny 2 U.
This is another good musical number, that skates along pretty well on just how well Kate McKinnon can do all of HAIM’s weird vocal tics. The song is a very cute commentary on the practice of dumping on other people to make your friends feel better. The comedy comes from the fact that it’s very true.
There’s also some good lines, like: “Dude, you did not invent Paris.”
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“It’s a shame that this sketch was cut for time, we worked so hard on it. Oh well, let’s sent it out to the colonies, they’ll be grateful for anything,” — Lorne Michaels, probably.
This is a classic Bill Hader vehicle, and it’s pretty simple to see why it was cut. It’s just deadpan, vaguely Irish themed absurdities delivered straight down the camera, with occasional throws to Beck Bennets being a weirdo.
Don’t get me wrong — I love Hader’s comedic mind, and this is exactly the kind of stuff that he likes, but it’s also non-flashy and alienating to the vast swathe of regular dum-dums that makes up SNL‘s audience. It’s amusing because it’s a hot weird mess.
As Hader says in the sketch: “If you don’t get it, kill yourself.”
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The Lonely Island and Natalie Portman return for another stab at an iconic SNL moment, with a sequel to the excessively funny digital short Natalie’s Rap. Remember how good those fucking Digital Shorts were? What a golden era.
The first rap basically hypothesised the actress Natalie Portman is a violent, drug taking, supremely angry loose unit. It was funny because she is not that. We call that juxtaposition, in the comedy world. But it was a great comment on the expectations on celebrity culture.
‘Natalie’s Rap 2’ has all the same charm, and actually makes a really worthwhile reason to return — Portman is a mother now, and the way the media treats celebrity mothers is also worth deconstructing. The video is also just very funny and silly. Both are completely sold by Portman’s ability to commit to the role and be a great sport.
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Honestly, this is better than most of the sketches that HAVE aired in Saturday Night Live’s long history, let alone from this sad list of dregs. Once again, it’s a cut for time, which is why we’re so lucky to get it — down here in Australia, the land that broadcast rights forgot.
The sketch was written by one of SNL‘s most hilarious contemporary writers, Julio Torres, and could be seen as a companion piece to his other excellent sketch “Wells for Boys” which aired in 2016. It’s a bit of a trope for SNL to parody ads, but when they’re doing it for something creepy and ambitious like this sort of sketch, it’s absolutely worth it.
‘My Little Stepchildren’ basically just riffs on the ideas of creepy step-mums in popular culture, and it’s perfect.
“Every ‘My Little Step Child’ comes with a tiny cardboard birth certificate kids can lock inside an ornate chest of drawers” it says. “Then they can pretend to avoid questions about the doll’s birth mother.”
Watch it once, watch it 1000 times. It’s not like we have a wealth of options to choose from.
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Saturday Night Live is broadcast in America. Move there if you want to watch it regularly, I guess.
Patrick Lenton is an author and staff writer at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.
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