#previous to this idk when the last time i took an ativan even was
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#idk how to tag this but it’s about my dad who i just went NC with bc he’s abusive and hasn’t changed#so if you don’t want to read keep scrolling i don’t care i just need to fucking do something#i’ve passed rage and now i’m just sad#and i feel bad about being sad bc i don’t want to be sad bc being sad SUCKS#i feel like i’m burdening my friends by telling them the shit my dad did to me#ik realistically im probably not but i just#only three people would truly understand the situation#my mom my sister and my childhood best friend#my sister is off limits bc i’m not putting her in the middle of this again#my mom was also abused by my dad and i don’t want to trigger her or make her feel bad so i don’t feel like#i can always go to her about this shit#and i don’t want to take advantage of my best friend’s listening ear even though she is being supportive of me and everything#like i just feel guilty and i feel like im burdening others with my burden#i want it to all stop i just want to stop being sad#i want to stop feeling like im 7 year old me hiding in the pantry from my dad#i don’t want to go to work i don’t want to do anything really#and it’s not like i want to die i just want to stop feeling like this#i want to stop feeling like i somehow fucked everything up when it was my dad’s fault#ik i should book another therapy appointment but i can’t with the way my week is next week#and idk i’m just#im not having a good time#i’ve taken an ativan every night this week bc of all this#previous to this idk when the last time i took an ativan even was#and i’m not trying to read into it too much but its hard not to when ive gone literal months without taking it#and now i’m taking it every night so i don’t stay up half the night bc my brain won’t shut up
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I barely know where to start, but I guess we'll start with a bit of back story.
My lovely spouse and I have been married for almost a year now. While we've been happy, we have come up against a few challenges too. Within this last year, we've had 3 miscarriages, all within the 4-7 week window (right on the line between a chemical pregnancy (when an egg is fertilized but fails to properly implant and doesn't make it) and a true miscarriage). We booked a specialist appointment after the most recent one (which was in February) and that appointment is in about a week from when I'm writing this.
I hadn't had a cycle since the most recent miscarriage, and they often take a little longer to show up, and for hormones to level out, so I didn't think much of my cycle being almost 2 weeks late, as after previous miscarriages it sometimes took up to 2 months for the cycle to return to normal. I had been sick with a flu so I didn't really notice the morning sickness or the achiness or tiredness like I had with the earlier pregnancies. All of them I knew before we took tests, I just knew. This one I chalked up feelings to being sick, and even though the possibility of me being pregnant had crossed my mind, I mentally handwaved it as just being sick plus hormones not lining up yet, nothing out of the ordinary.
But after I started to feel better from my flu but nausea, insomnia, and exhaustion remained, I decided I should probably take a test and well!
Looks like we're expecting! With everything involved its hard to figure out conception time, so I'm not sure how far along we are, but my tracking app estimates about 7 weeks. If that is accurate, it's the furthest we've got so far and I'm very hopeful that this one stays. Our specialist appointment is coming up, so hopefully we can talk to them and we can see why the miscarriages happened, and what we can do to prevent future ones.
If this dating is accurate, our due date should be somewhere between end of November and beginning of December. (Different apps estimate Nov 26-dec 4). Will have to wait till we get an ultrasound and blood work to determine fetal age.
I also wasn't able to contact my dr yet due to everything being closed Easter weekend, hopefully they're able to get me in for ultrasound and blood work before my specialist appointment. I also need to cancel an MRI I had coming up as they're not recommended in the first trimester, as well as the fact that I'm very claustrophobic and can't do an MRI without an Ativan, which is also not pregnancy safe. Also the MRI was a follow up to a previous MRI that was checking for damage after I had a head injury last year and was continuing to have post concussion syndrome symptoms a year on almost, and they found pituitary swelling, and wanted a follow up. Apparently the pituitary gland also just swells durring pregnancy apparently so that might just be that and not require a follow up after all. Will see.
For now were just waiting till Tuesday when it's time to make like 6 phone calls to sort things out and make sure we're ready. My spouse and I are reading through what to expect when you're expecting, and doing more research as we get ready.
We've not told our families just yet though... After so many miscarriages the risk of another is high enough I don't want to get their hopes up only to immediately dash them. Also somewhat selfishly I can't stand pitying, and find it easier to handle losses if I don't have people walking on eggshells around me or constantly talking about it. Once we have done blood work and ultrasounds and we've confirmed everything is looking good and our specialist thinks we're out of the woods, it's time to tell the family! My parents are going to be thrilled! This will be their second grandchild (my brother has an almost 4 year old boy), and my in-laws first.
Idk if anyone will follow this blog at all, but I look forward to having a record of these special days, and I can't wait to meet my little one! See you soon baby!
(also note for anyone just finding this blog, know that shitty remarks, abuse, or just assholery will not be tolerated. This blog is gonna be a safe space to talk about pregnancy and parenting and I will not tolerate shit stirring)
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