#probably put more energy into this than it was worth. and merthur posting in the year of our lord 2022? disgraceful | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bellamyblakru · 3 years

Note

Hello!! Can I request “I should have been better” for Merthur with Arthur POV and like Merlin being so done with Arthur constantly making fun of him and calling him useless that he actually quits being his manservant and starts ignoring him and being cold to him, and then Arthur really misses him and practically begs him to come back? I wasn’t sure if I just had to post the prompt and the ship or actually add more details so there’s that hahaha I’m sorry, I’ll be happy with whatever I can get

I really like your writing btw ❤️

omg hello! this prompt was perfect, don’t worry!! it was really fun to write🥺 i appreciate you sending one and liking my writing🥺i adore u!! i hope this doesn’t disappoint 💞

✨here it is on ao3 and ill post it here as well✨

Arthur watched over his parchment as Merlin tripped over another pair of his boots that he left on the floor last night and growled out, “Merlin. You are pathetic, why are you even in here? I didn’t call for you, did I?”

He meant for it to come out teasingly, but it fell extremely flat. Arthur was stressed, fed up with his group of elderly councilmen that never agreed with him, and, honestly, he needed to release some of the pent up anger that simmered violently beneath his skin.

So, he didn’t stop the unwanted stream of words that forced their way out, “And while I’m at it, would you please clean this room already? You’ve been stomping around here for hours and have accomplished nothing. I should just fire you, really. What good is a servant who barely does his job? You’re useless, Merlin, truly.”

Arthur scoffed, finishing his rant, his body feeling like it was on fire while still staring blankly at the speech before him, not noticing how still Merlin had gotten. After a few moments of uncomfortable silence where Arthur couldn’t even pretend to read, Arthur looked up at Merlin’s unmoved form. The man was standing completely still, facing Arthur’s door, his shoulders tense.

Arthur saw Merlin’s jaw move from this angle, “What did you say?”

Merlin lifted his chin, sharply spinning on his feet towards Arthur, “I quit.”

No mistaking the words now. Arthur’s mind halted, “What?”

Merlin still did not move from that spot between Arthur’s desk and the door, “I quit, Arthur.”

“Why?” Arthur couldn’t comprehend it. Merlin never gave up on him, even during their darkest hours. Why would he back out now?

Merlin let out a cold laugh, “Why?” he mocked. Arthur saw the lifeless smile grace Merlin’s face. He stared at his servant, never recalling seeing such a look before in the decade he has known him. Merlin was all smiles, laughs, and happiness. This Merlin? This Merlin Arthur had never seen before.

He didn’t like it.

Merlin let out another empty laugh, “Why, asked the king!” Another chuckle, “God, Arthur. I’m done. With you, with Camelot, with everything. It’s not worth it any more.”

Merlin’s smile fell off, and Arthur saw how pale his servant was. Arthur doesn’t think he looked at Merlin in days, or else he would have noticed before now, right? What was happening?

Arthur leaned back in his chair, and griped the edge of his desk to hide his trembling hands, “Then go. What’s stopping you?”

Merlin’s eyes widened a bit, and Arthur saw how his body trembled from head to toe, and he didn’t know if it was anger or fear making his servant shake—he didn’t want to know.

“Okay,” he heard Merlin mumble, “okay.”

Merlin turned around and walked slowly to the door, and Arthur didn’t think he’d actually go through with it. It was always them against the world. Merlin wouldn’t walk out on them, no matter what.

When Merlin got to the door, his hand hovered over the handle. Arthur let go of his breath that he didn’t know he was holding when Merlin’s hand fell to his side, he wasn’t leaving him. He would never leave me.

“Arthur,” Merlin whispered, still facing the door, “I’m not coming back.”

Arthur’s brain couldn’t understand the words fast enough as he let out a small gasp of surprise when Merlin finally opened the door and raced out, shutting the door behind him with a loud thud.

Merlin had actually done it. He left him.

Arthur stared at the door, expecting Merlin to come back any second. This was a ruse. It must be. Merlin would never leave him.

Arthur let go of his desk when he saw how white his knuckles had gotten. It was late now, and he had an early morning. Shaking off the dreaded feeling filling him up, he stood up on shaky legs.

Merlin would be back in the morning. Every time they had fought before, Merlin always showed up the next day with a sheepish smile and a rare pastry in hand as a “we are idiots and let's move on” olive branch. But this felt different than the others. More...final.

Arthur shook the thought from his head, he was being ridiculous. Merlin always comes back, why would this be any different? Merlin knows how Arthur directs his anger at him sometimes, he must after working for him for ten years, and how Arthur never means what he says. He knew that, Arthur thought repeatedly, stumbling towards his bed.

Arthur sighed, laying down, remembering that he still never finished that speech on his desk and he frowned thinking, not for the first time, how unimportant it was compared to what happened with Merlin.

Arthur was exhausted, physically and, now, mentally as shut his eyes tightly, trying to stop the sound of Merlin’s cold laughter from echoing in his head, the sight of Merlin’s paling skin, and the noise of the door slamming shut in the wake of his dismissal.

Arthur shook his head knowing that tomorrow everything would go back to normal. It must.

—————

Arthur woke up to sunlight streaming into his chambers. He stretched lazily, yawning as he did so. He forced his eyes open, trying to figure out when he finally fell asleep. He felt slightly less sluggish, but his mind was still tired. He blinked at the offending sunlight, which he realized, jolting out of bed, that the sun was almost to it’s apex.

“Merlin,” Arthur grumbled, throwing on some clothes, “the idiot must have overslept. Guard!”

The guard outside his room immediately stepped in, “Yes, Sire?”

“Can you get someone to fetch my useless manservant? I believe he is late and has some explaining to do.”

The guard smiled, “Of course, sire.”

As he backed out the door, Arthur paused in his frantic searching for boots when last night’s conversation hit him again.

I’m not coming back, played in his head, but Arthur chuckled, like Merlin would leave his side from something as simple as a petty fight.

He continued putting on his clothes, and when he was done, he frowned at the closed door. He grabbed the papers for today’s meetings, and he decided that he would pass Merlin’s chambers himself on the way to the throne room.

Walking through his castle, Arthur felt like it was lacking energy today and he couldn’t figure out why. The servants rushed past him, without looking up, as normal, but the air felt thick with something Arthur couldn’t name. His frown deepened when he saw that Gaius’s room was opened already, and he walked right in without knocking.

“Gaius?”

The man in question looked up briefly from his book and looked back down, “Sire.”

Arthur stopped closer to the main table, confused by the man’s uncharacteristic coldness, and he cleared his throat uncomfortably, “Where is my manservant?”

Gaius stopped pretending to read as his eyebrows shot up, making eye contact with Arthur, “Sire, he quit. He told me that he told you.”

Arthur’s breath caught, his nonchalant expression changing to disbelief, “What?”

Gaius’s face portrayed no emotion, “Yes, sire, if that is all?”

Arthur stumbled back, “Oh.”

This wasn’t happening. Arthur turned around quickly, running towards the knights’ chambers, knowing if Merlin wasn’t with him or Gaius, Lancelot or Gwaine would be the next choice.

He knocked on Gwaine’s door first who answered after Arthur’s violent knocking became incessant.

“What?” Gwaine asked groggily, probably exhausted from his night shift.

“Have you seen Merlin?”

Gwaine immediately straightened up, his eyes narrowing, “No? Why? Did something happen?”

Arthur backed up, “No, don’t worry about it.” And when Gwaine opened his mouth again, Arthur simply turned around and walked to Lance’s room.

The door was ajar, so Arthur lightly pushed it open to find Lance with his head in his hands, and his elbows on his knees on his bed.

“Lance?” Arthur whispered, listening to how Gwaine’s footsteps joined behind him.

Lance whipped his head up at the sound, and Arthur saw how red-rimmed his eyes were. Arthur’s breath whooshing out.

Lance got up, anger pouring out of his body in almost tangible waves, and Arthur backed up hastily. Lancelot never lost his cool demeanor.

Arthur hit into Gwaine who grunted and pushed Arthur behind him—placing himself in front of the extremely pissed off Lance.

Gwaine placed a hard hand on Lance’s chest, “Woah woah, steady now. How about we use our big boy words before we start punching princesses, hmm?”

Arthur tried to hide his flinched when Lance looked at Gwaine then back to him with murder in his eyes. Arthur knew only one person who could get Lance this worked up.

Lance roughly said, “Move, Gwaine. I need to punch something and I want it to be Arthur’s face.”

Even Gwaine blinked at the words, taken aback at the fury lacing Lancelot’s every movement.

“Gwaine, it’s okay-“ Arthur didn’t get to finish as Lance pushed Gwaine aside and promptly punched Arthur in the face. Arthur hit the ground, feeling blood coming out of his nose, as he cradled his face. He didn’t flinch as Lance landed another one before Gwaine threw him to the side.

Arthur stared at the ceiling, feeling numb. He deserved that, he mused, and probably deserved more.

Once the ringing stopped, he vaguely listened to Gwaine pushing Lance back.

“Lance, get a hold of yourself! Tell me what happened and I’ll probably join you.”

Lance was panting, his knuckles bloody, as he stopped thrashing against the hold Gwaine had on him, “Arthur, why don’t you explain what happened?”

Arthur ignored him, and Lance let out a dark chuckle, “No? Of course not, staying silent when you need to explain yourself is your strong suit.”

Arthur imperceptibly flinched this time, his numbness not leaving his body as Lancelot’s words felt like another blow to the face.

Gwaine coughed pointedly at Lance’s silent seething, “Alright, can you tell me already?”

Lance cleared his throat and forced his stare at Gwaine, “Arthur was an asshole again, not surprisingly, and Merlin..” Lance’s eyes watered a bit before he visibly shoved it back down, “Merlin had enough. And honestly? So have I.”

Arthur sat up then, his heart pounding, as the words clicked. He was losing his knight as well.

Gwaine sighed, “I knew this day was coming. I’m coming with you. I already had my things packed knowing this was inevitable.”

Arthur choked, “You’re both leaving.”

Gwaine had the decency to look sheepish, “Sorry. Merlin comes first, and well? Whatever you did, you probably wouldn’t want me around after I find out exactly what went down. I can’t imagine it would be pleasant.”

Arthur shut his eyes, rubbing his forehead, “Lance, wait, I’m coming too.”

Gwaine put a hand out when Lance tried to go at him again, “No.”

Lance shoved Gwaine off, “Hurry Gwaine, we are leaving soon.” And with that, Lancelot turned around, shoving his clothes in a pack.

Gwaine grimaced, walking around Arthur and hurrying down the hall back to his room. Arthur didn’t move.

“I’m sorry,” he said weakly to Lance’s back, “I didn’t—“

“Yeah,” Lance shoved his boots on, “you never do mean it, do you? Arthur,” here Lance sighed, his anger bleeding out of him, his exhaustion clear to see, “do you know how much Merlin does for you? How much he loves you?”

Arthur blinked again at the unexpected sadness in his words as Lance plowed on, “That man is the most selfless human being I know. And he can take a hit, trust me. He can take a knife in the stomach and barely blink at his own pain if someone else was hurt. I don’t even think you understand what you did.”

Arthur slowly nodded his head no.

Lance slouched onto his bed, staring at his hands, “Arthur. I have never seen the pure hopelessness that drowned in Merlin’s eyes when he came to me last night. He seemed so lost.” Lance shook his head and looked back up at Arthur, “In all the years I’ve known him, he always had purpose. Purpose at your side, always. When he told me what happened, not for the first time this week I might add, the look of devastation on his face, Arthur, I can’t even describe it. And it wasn’t the fact that you yelled at him again, he knows you do that without truly meaning it. You have been misplacing your anger at him the minute you met him. No, what pushed him over the edge was the fact that you did nothing to stop him from leaving. ‘Then go,’ really, Arthur?”

Arthur’s heart was beating unsteadily as he watched Lance wipe a hand down his face. He fucked up, royally.

Arthur’s breathing picked up when the enormity of the situation finally caught up with him. Merlin had left, and it was entirely his fault. He deserved to be alone. He had been horrible to the one person who meant more to him than Camelot, and the only words he had for him was to leave. To leave his side. Arthur put a hand to his ribs, his breaths coming in faster, the space where Merlin should be felt like a void—Merlin was out of reach, no longer his.

Was he ever his?

Lance finished packing and stood up a few moments later. Gwaine arrived right when Lance started walking to the door.

Arthur looked up at his two knights, and even though he knew better, he still felt betrayed by their leaving. But he had no right to keep them here when the one person tethering them to Camelot has gone.

They didn’t look back as they walked out the door and left, and Arthur didn’t move for hours.

—————

Arthur found his way back to his chambers, his hands empty, his heart straining, and his head pounding.

They were all gone.

Lance, Gwaine, Gwen, and Merlin—gone. He found out about Gwen after he entered the throne room later that day and it didn’t surprise him. Her and Merlin were best friends, and her and Lance were practically married—so, no, it wasn’t a surprise. But, it still hurt.

Arthur walked to his window that faced the courtyard, the moon already high in the sky. He made it through an entire day without Merlin and he has never felt more empty in his life. Merlin was the only constant in his life. He was the light that drove away Arthur’s darkness. Merlin’s laughter was sometimes the only thing that kept Arthur going, and now? Now, Arthur had driven him away. Like everyone else in his life.

Sleep didn’t come easily that night.

—————

He woke up late again, he realized, as forced himself to leave the bed. His soul felt like it was cleaved in half. How can anyone go on like that?

He walked slowly to his desk, frowning at the small sigil laying on his papers. He picked it up, flipping it in his hand. His mother’s sigil was his most prized possession, until, that is, Merlin stumbled into his life and forced his way under Arthur’s skin and, most importantly, his heart. He gave it to Merlin when he realized that, of course, figuring that his most prized person should always hold something dear to Arthur.

It felt cold in his hand. There was no note with it, to Arthur’s great displeasure, as he plopped down at his desk. He was an idiot. Last night, he replayed the conversation over and over again. The way Merlin reacted to his words, the jaw clenching, the stiff way he barely held himself, the cold person who replaced his sunny Merlin.

Arthur noticed his shaking again and let go of the sigil. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t how he was meant to rule. His rule meant nothing if Merlin wasn’t at his side.

And with that thought, he grabbed the sigil, a small pack, and raced out his chambers.

—————

Arthur ran to the stables, “How long ago did they leave?”

The stableboy blanched at Arthur’s appearance and stuttered out, “A few candle marks ago, sire.”

Arthur nodded, putting his saddle on Llamrei, and hopped on, “If anyone comes looking for me, tell them I’ll be back before nightfall,” and with that, he raced out.

The wind felt sharp against his face as he galloped towards Ealdor, feeling, for the first time in a long time, that he was finally making the right decision.

It didn’t take too long to find them, actually, as they were cleaning up the camp from the night before still about two candle marks away from Camelot. At Arthur’s approach, Gwaine unsheathed his sword and pointed it at him.

“Arthur,” Gwaine said angrily, coming closer, “If you come any closer, I will skewer you. I promise you that.”

Arthur jumped off his mare, his hands raised in surrender, “I just need to talk to him.”

Gwaine growled, walking towards him, when a pale hand grabbed his arm.

“Gwaine, it’s okay,” Arthur heard Merlin’s say, his heart skipping a beat at the sound. He missed that voice with his entire being and it’s barely been two days.

Gwaine scowled, backing down, as Merlin walked gently around him towards Arthur towards the edge of the camp.

Merlin walked past Arthur, who just stared at his servant, to Llamrei. He started petting his mare, who basically purred against Merlin’s ministrations. Arthur wasn’t surprised, she always did prefer Merlin to him.

Merlin looked up at Arthur’s silence, the question in his eyes.

Arthur cleared his throat, “Merlin, I-“

Merlin narrowed his eyes when Arthur couldn’t come up with the words, and he sighed, “Arthur, go home.”

Shaking his head, Merlin went to go around Arthur when Arthur’s hand shot out to stop him. Merlin stared at the hand grabbing him, his body promising violence if Arthur didn’t let him go.

Arthur spun towards him, and he felt tears unwillingly forming in his eyes. He cleared his throat again, “Merlin, I can’t go home. It’s not home anymore.”

Merlin shook off Arthur’s grip, folding his arms over his chest as he stared back at Arthur expressionless, “What?”

Arthur shook his head, angry at himself for being unable to speak how he feels, “It’s not home without you, Merlin.”

Arthur swore he saw Merlin soften a bit at that but then Merlin closed himself off again, scoffing, so Arthur quickly went on, hoping his heart would be able to beat normally after this, “I should have been better. Merlin, you deserve better. And I’m sorry. I should have ran after you, I should never have said for you to leave, because I never want you gone. I fucked up. Big time. I was stressed and angry and you were there and fuck,” Arthur wiped his face, “Merlin. I’m sorry! I was an asshole. I’m constantly an asshole to you, I know, but I’ll be better. I promise. You don’t deserve the way I treat you. You can do so much better than me—Gods, I know you can. But,” Arthur took a deep breath, unable to look at Merlin, “But, I need you. You make me a better person. You give me a purpose. You make me want to live, Merlin, and I need you at my side.”

At the end of his speech, he finally gained courage to look up at Merlin. Merlin was silently crying and Arthur’s heart broke as he whispered, “You aren’t coming home, are you?”

He heard Merlin’s small gasp and Arthur went completely motionless as Merlin flung himself at him, wrapping him in a bone-crushing hug.

“You’re an idiot, Arthur Pendragon,” Merlin whispered into his neck when Arthur’s shock turned into him squeezing Merlin back, “An idiot who I love, unfortunately.”

Arthur buried his face into Merlin’s neck, “I’m so sorry, Merlin, please come home.”

Merlin pushed back Arthur a bit, so he could see Merlin’s face, as both of Merlin’s hands found themselves on either side of Arthur’s face, “Alright.”

Arthur made a wet choked sound as he smiled for the first time in days, “Yeah?”

Merlin smiled, his tears falling freely as he stared back at Arthur, “Yeah.”

Arthur laughed, pulling Merlin into another hug, “Never again, Merlin, I swear on my crown. I love you.”

Arthur pulled back from Merlin when he heard a cough from next to them.

Lance had one hand on his sword, “Arthur, if you ever hurt Merlin like that again, I will make sure we are long gone by the next morning where you can never find us again. Are we clear?”

Arthur didn’t hesitate, “Yes. I understand,” and Arthur watched as the relief flooded through his knight.

Lance pulled Merlin into a hug and whispered something into his ear, and when they pulled back, Lance smiled at Arthur, “You should thank Gwaine for slowing us down, sire, or we would have been in Ealdor by now.”

Gwaine pouted, “I was doing it on purpose, thank you very much. I knew the princess would come crawling back without his other half.”

Merlin blinked at his friend, then a small smile of disbelief formed on his servant’s face. Arthur tilted his head at the knight, “You knew I would come?”

Gwaine looked at him condescendingly, “Princess, have you met you? You wouldn’t last a day without Merlin. Clearly,” he pointed at the extremely disheveled Arthur, “I was right.”

Arthur looked down at himself and frowned, “You’re right.”

At that, Merlin faced him again with surprise written on his features, “He is?”

Arthur sighed, grabbing Merlin’s hand to intertwine their fingers, “Yes, how many times do I have to say that I am nothing without you at my side. I couldn’t think straight, or eat, or sleep, without knowing you were safe, and that you hated me.” Arthur shivered at the thought, “Merlin, you are my other half. Of course I can barely last a day without you!”

Merlin’s tears were back, to Arthur’s horror who thought he fucked up again, but as Merlin’s lips crashed into his, and with Lance, Gwen, and Gwaine’s clapping and whistling in the background, Arthur finally thought that maybe everything would be alright in the end.

#ashley writes #bad things happen bingo #merthur #merthur fanfiction #merthur fanfic #lovely anon #i spent hours writing this LOL i hope its okay #i’ll probably reread it in the morning as well for grammar #i read it like five times hopefully its okay #bbc merlin #its also like almost 3am hehe #merlin

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grandcollections · 4 years

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by myashke

Summary:

When Arthur pushes Merlin away to protect him, what lengths will Merlin go to to remain in his life?

Comments:

I read this seven years ago. And although I couldn’t remember much about the fic, seeing the name struck a chord in me— so cliche, but it felt like an electric shock. Instant recognition. I remembered it was one of my favorite fics ever. I remembered images of freezing cold and bonfires, and lots of delicious hurt/comfort, probably the best you’ve ever read, my mind told me. And I remembered the tale centering around Merlin, on how much everyone loves him— I saw more images, snippets of the knights and Arthur trying to protect him— one of my favorite parts of the show and something I love to see in fics.

Arthur laced his gloved fingers through Merlin’s bare ones and lifted them up to his lips. “They’re gone,” he said, lowering their hands to rest on his thigh again, hoping Merlin’s ice cold fingers would warm beneath his own.

Merlin took a deep, shuddering breath, his chest pressing tightly against Arthur’s back. “I don’t know if I can do this,” he whispered, squeezing Arthur’s hand.

“Yes.” Arthur looked down at their joined hands, wondering if it would always be like this, Merlin touching him, their attraction sparking and being smothered over and over under the weight of duty for as long as Merlin stood at his side.

I am so, so glad I decided to reread this now. I needed it. I took my time with it, watching the page count anxiously, not wanting it to ever end.

To be able to read something like this is a gift. Truly. This fic is not only one of the best merthur fics I’ve read, but one of the best pieces of writing.

TLDR: Merlin risks his neck to save Arthur without thinking, of course, nearly freezing to death afterwards. Along with the knights (who play a very active role), they revive him and nurse him back to health slowly. Merlin and Arthur’s feelings come to the surface, along with plenty of angst and big sacrificial energy from both boys. Featuring: hurt/comfort, magic reveal, angst (so much angst) the best characterization of every character, Ealdor shenanigans, wonderful smut and delicious sexual tension, the whole gang of knights and a smattering of mergwaine. And my goddamn favorite thing, the best way I’ve ever seen it: Arthur recognizing everything Merlin has done and truly, truly valuing him.

the rest of my long-ass review below the cut lol!

Everything I said in my first review holds true. It’s beautiful and heart-wrenching. It’s pure, sickening hurt/comfort— if that’s your jam (and it sure is mine), oh boy you’ll be in heaven. It’s full of tenderness— the way Arthur, Gwaine, and Lancelot care for Merlin, the depth of Merlin’s feelings for Arthur, the supremely physical nature of this fic— the first half is a mess of tender touches and skin-to-skin, bodies trying save Merlin’s, described in excruciating detail.

"It’s just me,” Arthur whispered, brushing his hair back from his forehead, his hand slowly rubbing down Merlin’s neck and back, fingers ghosting along his spine, settling finally on his hip.

Arthur held him tightly in place. He brushed slowly, gently back through Merlin’s hair, whispering in his ear, soothing him. “Shh, it’s alright, Merlin. I’m right here. You’re safe. Sleep now... you’ll feel better in the morning... I promise I’ll be right here...”

This is the stuff of hurt/comfort *dreams*. It’s achingly tender and beautiful and full of angst as Merlin stays near death, ice cold, goes through fever, and says and does things as his mind isn’t fully presence in his fever-addled state.

Arthur whispered prayers to God Almighty, to the Gods of the Old Religion, to Merlin himself. Be alive. Be alive.

He’d give up his right to the throne for a blood curdling cry from Merlin right now.

Arthur spends so much of this part of the fic panicking over Merlin, desperate for him to be alright. (One of my favorite merthur tropes)

“Trust me, he’ll thank you for it tomorrow.”

“Gods allow he has breath to thank me with tomorrow,” Arthur whispered, shaking his head as his own words stabbed into his chest. He lowered his cheek to Merlin’s again, whispering,” Gods allow he has breath to rant and rave, if he wants.”

I really love the characterization of everyone in this fic, but I want to focus on Arthur. The entire time I was reading I believed it was him, I believed I was reading about Uther’s-son-the-prince-of-Camelot, First Knight, all of it. I felt his burdens and his pain, the weight of the heavy choices (and one specific heavy choice, the main plot of this fic I suppose) he made.

Arthur pressed Merlin harder against the tree and he opened his eyes, gasping.

“I’m choosing Camelot over you, Merlin. An entire kingdom’s welfare. My bloodline’s future. My gods-damned destiny. And yours, if you stand by me.”

This sort of realism may not be every shipper’s cup of tea, but god is it mine. Because it doesn’t lessen Arthur’s love, need, longing for Merlin. It just incorporates the rest of Arthur into that, alongside it. And produces so much goddamn pain.

Arthur is not always gentle, he is possessive and jealous, but always quick to bury those feelings— unless he can lash out with his authority at his back. And if he does that, he apologizes.. sometimes. If he regains control quickly enough. If it’s one of the knights. (Not always if it’s Merlin). He misunderstands things often and is quick to believe the worst. But he never fails where it’s important— he tries, and that’s key. But he can be intuitive, too— I love how the magic reveal is handled, how it marinates in his mind for a while. How he knows before the reader even knows he knows, and long before anyone else does. It’s a credit done to Arthur we don’t see often— sometimes he reacts badly, or is shocked above all else.

“I thought you’d want rid of me,” Merlin said... “Someone who lied about who I really am.”

“Who? Oh, you mean the Merlin that is actually brave, intelligent, and loyal to the death?” he heard, low and close to his ear. “I’ve known him for a while, too.”

This is JUST.... everything I’ve ever wanted. The way Arthur values Merlin and sees everything he’s done post-magic reveal is one of the primary reasons I love this fic so much, as I’ve said, and I’ll talk about it more later. But another result of the magic reveal is Arthur becoming so protective of Merlin once he does realize. It’s the backbone of this fic.

Merlin grinned as everyone laughed, the light in his eyes a gift Arthur wouldn’t soon forget.

He would have to extinguish it, he knew, but he wouldn’t ever forget what Merlin had looked like in that moment, so entirely at peace with himself and everyone around him....

Pressing his leg harder against Merlin’s, Arthur clenched his jaw on the scream of frustration that welled in his chest.

^ this is Arthur’s reaction as he watches Merlin practice magic, glowing and happy and powerful and whole, because he is afraid that magic is the reason Merlin will die.

Had Merlin watched the executions and thought of himself tied to that post? Had he thought he would be able to escape before the fires were lit beneath him?

The very image of Merlin bound there made Arthur’s stomach curl into a tight knot.

The way Arthur would doom himself to be the villain, to deny himself happiness and even SAFETY— because now he knows he’s only lived this long because of Merlin— to protect Merlin, to prolong his life.

Merlin backed away as Arthur stepped forward again, reaching out to him. He didn’t know how to do this, to push Merlin away when his body felt half-empty with the desire to touch him.

The way he uses his authority as prince and what he is to Merlin to ensure it. (The way Merlin refuses to comply.) I love it so much.

Arthur closed his eyes and took a deep breath, reigning in his anger. “You’re right. I would defy my father and my king to protect you... but it wouldn’t be enough.... it makes me ill to think of how close you’ve come to the pyre.”

“I don’t care. I belong in Camelot, even if I end up a pile of ash.”

excuse me while I scream

“I have my company of knights to protect me.”

“They follow you, they don’t protect you,” Merlin whispered, letting go of Arthur’s arms and worrying the edge of his tunic, then looking into Arthur’s eyes, pleading. “Please don’t ask this of me.”

He’d expected a fight, defiance, but not this, not what amounted to begging.

DELICIOUS. ANGST. Arthur’s protectiveness coupled with Merlin’s stubbornness means we get a whole lot of angst and longing. They have to stay away from each other, but they can’t.

“I should never have let you,” Arthur whispered, shaking his head, “You’re enough of a distraction as it is.”

As they stared at one another, Merlin felt as if something irrevocable was slipping between them. “Arthur, I--”

“Enough,” he breathed, the word a plea more than a command. “We cannot-- I’m not free to--” Arthur sighed, brushing his thumb across Merlin’s lops, shaking his head. “This cannot happen again. Do you understand?”

... “Yes, sire.” Merlin pushed at Arthur’s arm, unwilling to wait for Arthur to let go, unable to lie there, so close, touching, when Arthur was already through with him.

.. Like a bucket of cold water, Arthur’s words had shocked him back into reality, holding up in front of him what he’d tried so hard to forget.

He was a servant, and he would obey.

excuse me?? do you see why you have to go read this fic right NOW, do you SEE?!!

“I knew. I knew and it still feels like I’m splitting open,” Merlin whispered.

ugh.

If anyone else had put that look on Merlin’s face, Arthur would have laid them out flat.

ughHH

“Your life is worth more than this,” Arthur said, smoothing the pad of his thumb across Merlin’s kiss-reddened lips...

Arthur clenched his fists and stared after him, desperate to follow. They couldn’t keep tearing each other to shreds like this. Something had to give.

God this fic is full of GOD-TIER PAIN. It’s genuinely baffling. amazing. groundbreaking, never been done before!!!!

And now I must, I must, discuss the clowning glory of this fic. The thing I wanted most from the show, that pained me the most when I was denied, that frustrated me most about the ending. Arthur seeing Merlin as the hero he is, the powerful sorcerer who did so much for Arthur, Arthur’s family, Arthur’s kingdom. But more than that. Arthur seeing and valuing Merlin, the man. Gaius, Hunith, Gwaine, Lancelot, the knights— they don’t value Merlin because of his magic, or because what he has done or can do for them. It isn’t gratitude they feel. It’s love. And it’s the same for Arthur, here. And I can’t tell you how dear that is to me. How lovely it is to read.

And despite knowing him so well, Merlin had believed in his ability to become a better man from the beginning. Arthur wasn’t blind; he could see that Merlin had reshaped his attitudes over the years, had taught him to think for himself instead of blindly following his father’s example. He learned from Merlin to see beyond pride and the nobility, to be a servant to the people instead of ruling them as his father did.

From the very first moment they’d met, Merlin had encouraged him in gentlest, surest way to seek out the right thing and do it, say it, help it to happen if he could.

again:

Merlin listened even when Arthur couldn’t say a word. Especially then, in fact.

and again:

“I’ve never know someone like him. He’s so... selfless. How many times has he saved us without our knowing? He never asks for reward or recognition. He’s a servant when he could-- he could do anything. Does he not want anything for himself?”

Gwaine chuckled softly. “He wants one thing with all of his being, but you and I both know he would never presume to ask for it.”

and again:

Being alone with him was Arthur’s escape, his sanctuary, no matter where they were.

and again:

“This isn’t negotiable,” he whispered, stepping closer, wanting to comfort Merlin but knowing it would neither be welcome nor fair, given what he was ordering. “You shouldn’t be a servant, Merlin. You shouldn’t have to give up your gift and you shouldn’t waste it on a kingdom that would murder you for it.”

There, he’d said it. Camelot wasn’t worthy of Merlin.

I can’t even react to that line— it’s too wonderful. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted from Arthur. and oh, Merlin returns the favor tenfold. Arthur is Merlin’s existence.

“Please, Arthur,” he begged, his voice barely above a whisper. “Please don’t do this.”

Hands sliding up to either side of Merlin’s neck, Arthur leaned closer, not quite daring to press their foreheads together. “I won’t watch you die.”

“Then close your eyes, but let me... stay with you.”

One of the most GORGEOUS, pain filled lines I’ve ever read!!! The way Merlin swallows his pain over and over again and does what’s best for Arthur is so hard to read but so Merlin. But I do love how this fic balances all that classic devotion and sacrificial energy with a few instances of Merlin taking a stand, standing up for himself and being selfish, without sacrificing the integrity of the character.

Now, let’s talk about mergwaine. Because it’s definitely a side-ship in this fic and I have NO problem with it!!! It’s so well done, and only adds another layer of pain. First of all, Gwaine is just perfect in this fic— shameless, cheeky, all-about-Merlin. A good friend to both Merlin and Arthur— and I loved every time he called Arthur out on Merlin’s behalf, while also saying nothing but good and reassuring things about Arthur to Merlin— but he shines in his scenes with Merlin. His presence allows Merlin to show his pain, something he desperately needs as he can’t always do it with Arthur. I love this depiction of them; a close friendship, one Merlin feels completely comfortable in and full of trust and safety, one that could be something else, but. But. As Gwaine himself puts it, he’s not Arthur. That doesn’t take away from the extreme tenderness he displays with Merlin. It’s truly touching.

Emotions stripped too raw to accept either without the tears starting again, Merlin closed his eyes and pleaded softly. “Don’t let go of me.”

“Never,” Gwaine swore. He laid his forehead against Merlin’s inhaling deeply before pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. “Sleep, my friend.”

and:

“Arthur is hurting too, and he is alone.”

“And I have you,” Merlin whispered, tears threatening to spill from his over-full eyes. “I always have you and he always had me.”

and:

Gwaine kissed his shoulder and hair, arms tightening around his chest. “You deserve him, Merlin. Don’t ever believe that you don’t,” he whispered, drawing out the tears that Merlin had been desperately holding back.

and, for a bit of levity:

“But we’re all better off with me clothed,” Merlin said

Gwaine shook his head disbelievingly. “You really have no idea how handsome you are, do you?... Ah, well, it’s probably for the best. You’d be impossible to live with if you did know.”

There’s so many more wonderful parts of this fic. Arthur and Hunith’s lovely, heartbreaking scene (I was thoroughly crying throughout). Arthur’s loneliness upon return to Camelot. The incredible explicit scenes between Merlin and Arthur. But just do yourself a favor and read it. We’re so lucky to have it.

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