#restrictive and judgmental even to straight people and there's never a clear explanation besides God said so

[andthebeanstalk]

Christ's sacrifice on the cross fulfilled prophecies, freed us from the old covenant (that would be what your friend was talking about with the animal sacrifices), and reconciled us in our fallen nature to God our heavenly Father. Why would God want to prevent the fulfilment of a prophecy of our redemption through his Son? You can find really clearly broken down explanations with simple Google searches. or even on Youtube, if reading isn't your thing.

[Continued in second anon]:

also, catholics don't believe that people capable of change are condemned to hell... that's sort of the whole shindig of purgatory.

it seems like the issue wasn't that you were "too much of a fag" to stay, but rather when the questions you had weren't addressed by those in your immediate circle of influence you decided it was all bogus. cause these are good questions! good questions that have been answered hundreds of times over hundreds of years beginning with the early church fathers

[This is in reference to a post I made about how I feel Jesus died for no reason and that my childhood in Catholic school failed to explain it to me. I wrote "thank goodness I was too much of a fag to stay."]

I mean I very much was too much of a fag to stay - the Catholic Church is not kind to queers, and there's a reason every one of my queer friends who grew up Catholic is no longer part of the Church. Lil Nas X knows what's up! Better to rule in Hell and all that. My girlfriend often talks about how she believes if she was raised Catholic as an autistic queer, she would not have lived to adulthood. I agree with her. The shame of it all would have destroyed her. So I very much was and AM too faggy to be a Catholic, and I am immensely grateful for this because I was very very unhappy in the Church.

But actually, the initial reason I had a long agonizing crisis of faith and then dropped it entirely was actually a thought that occurred years before my realization of my own queerness would have forced me either out of the Church anyway or else deep into dangerous self-loathing.

I think the actual heart of the question that destroyed my faith is this:

Is God omnipotent, or not? And if yes, why does he need us to suffer?

Because if he's not omnipotent, then all of this makes sense to me. The whole theology, I mean. Horrible sacrifices had to be made to stop every human soul from going to Hell for all eternity. A long painful battle against the Adversary waged by the good God and his people! It would make sense that he had to suffer if there are other powerful forces at play that established the prophecies he is fulfilling!

But... if he wrote the prophecy..... then....... why? Someone has to write the prophecy in the first place, right? It's not impressive to fulfill your own prophecy, and it doesn't explain why he made one.

If God is not omnipotent, then of course child abuse exists in this world on a massive scale. He hates it and is doing his best to fight it! This fits with the picture of a loving and merciful God that I was taught in school.

But... if he IS omnipotent, then I need to know why child abuse exists. "Mysterious ways" won't cut it because that just means "it doesn't make sense and also maybe that suffering is actually necessary." Which is not an answer I will accept.

The thing that killed my faith was the idea that God cannot be both all-powerful AND kind.

And everything I have experienced about God's Love has been through threats of Hell. I don't think it's kind to save someone from Hell if you condemned them in the first place and also you created Hell. That sounds a lot like an abuser saying you ought to be grateful they didn't hit you and will let you make it up to them. It's a warped version of mercy.

The Catholic church has historically relied on and continues to rely on shame, fear, and social ostracization in order to gain funding and influence. These are very powerful weapons that they use very liberally - shame, fear, isolation - and as long as that Central Paradox I mentioned above continues to exist, then their claim to power and righteousness sounds awfully hollow.

Which brings me back to the concept of martyrdom. I was taught, in no uncertain terms, that sacrifice was something inherently holy. Even when it didn't help anyone! Lent was just a practice in self-denial. It was never clear why Jesus needed it from us.

I was told the only way to 100% be a good person is to never stop sacrificing myself, and even after I stopped believing in a god, this attitude remained deeply, poisonously rooted. (Thanks, Capitalism!) When I was 25, I worked myself nearly to death, and I'm still dealing with the permanent health consequences of that. So ingrained is this mindset in me.

Being gay helped me to avoid falling back into the Church because they hate queers so much, and I am so so grateful for that.

The day I decided God didn't exist, I remember feeling like I could breathe for the first time. I was free! I was loved! I was no longer alone! I no longer had to define my life around shame and guilt! It was terrifying, but also like going from a world full of gray to one full of color!

I think in the end, little 11-year-old me decided that if God was not kind, then I don't know what the point of him is.

And as much as it hurt, knowing that going back wasn't an option for me also helped me stay safe!! Thank goodness I am a dyke!!!

#child abuse #abuse #violence #religious trauma #original #catholic tumblr #come answer my paradox i want to know why this doesn't bother others #dimension 20 #fantasy high #ally beardsley #< tagging with that stuff because part of the reason I'm having this revisitation of my old faith is their character in season 1 #they play a D&D cleric who has a complete crisis of faith when their god can't answer why bad things happen to good people #their character is a complete wreck for the rest of the season and it's very funny and very well done #and as I understand it a little bit autobiographical #d slur #I didn't even get into sexuality here. the church hates sex but nobody's more obsessed with sex than Catholics. it is #restrictive and judgmental even to straight people and there's never a clear explanation besides God said so #i remember the first time it occurred to me that i could potentially grow up to be a whore. #AND I AM PROUD TO REPORT-- #THE PROPHECY IS COMPLETE #hehehehee