#sketchbook's not doing so well (bc y'know the hands) but i wanted to post something | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jaymesdoodles · 3 years

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I've been in such a weird stop about my content lately?? like I want to make art, will have ideas, motivation, and see the thing in my head but I can't put it onto to paper. I'm doing the exact opposite of what I want to do; I'm putting numbers and clout above enjoyment. I see my viewer count drop while streaming? I'm so ready to shut down... I almost did on stream the other day. I post art on twitter, Instagram, here??? well I have to get a certain amount of likes or it wasn't good. For the past year I've been making dsmp fanart, most of the time it was bc I genuinely enjoyed it. I had an idea. Something inspired me. But I've realized I haven't done that much anymore. And for the past month I just haven't wanted to make fanart for these creators. Am I still hyperfixationed on them? oh yeah for sure. But I just don't know if I want to make content for them. The thing that kinda sucks about that is... I haven't made art for myself in a while. This kinda start a little while before dsmp, probably when I was into jrwi, smplive or something. But even with those other fandoms I would draw my ocs all the time, I would make new dnd characters, I would work on my stories, work on dnd campaigns or even make fanart for other things. and I just haven't done that. My sketchbooks have no life anymore. It's only dsmp/mcyt. That's okay... but it's back to the way I would draw when I was younger. One sketch per page, ones I would erase and not redraw, and things where you could just see I got frustrated and quit. It's so empty and I just don't draw anymore. I know I need to practice and i need to try other things to help me get out of this block but that's been so difficult to do. I've been trying photography again and I try it till I just feel worn out. I've been trying to make music and get into the grove of it but I just get so mad when my fingers aren't in the right place. It feels so artificial. I wanna make poetry again but I haven't done that in years. I wanna write something but nothing sounds right and I just don't feel like I have the patience like I used to. I know creation doesn't have to be perfect, original or unique. It can be bad, messy, the same thing over and over but I've been this unnecessary pressure on myself for so long it's overbearing. I have a perfectionism I've wanted to achieve that's so out of reach that I can no longer create something without it feel like it's all going to collapse in on me if I don't hold onto something that isnt there, I wont be saved. I no longer am that child creating folders and folders of art. Messing ever journal I get. Making and trying new mediums, not caring if I fail. Just wanting to create. To do something with my hands. The side of me that was so creative, the thing I used whenever I've been feeling at my worse, is now stuff in this rut I've been stuck in for a every long time. It just hurts to not create, y'know?

#Idk #this kinda a vent #just feel really bad rn #vent ish #jaymes talks

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