#sometimes it was revelry in being a fucking weirdo

[misty-missdee]

Not to share too many more pre-trans Dee images, but I do have to hand it to us for always having that weirdo babygirl type energy.

#shout out to the man staring at them #shout out to their awful shoes and general lack of style #shout out to those horrid tan lines sheeesh #shout out to kinda just looking like a lesbian anyways #preordained #also wtf you doing with your arms babygirl #what is that #at least it wasnt always death and misplacement #sometimes it was revelry in being a fucking weirdo #the good part of the before times #anywho

[karajaynetoday]

my soul slides away, but don't look back in anger | ashton irwin

Have I been listening to Oasis a lot today? Maybe. Is this the final part of the Ashton angst series? Maybe. What began as the first ever piece of 5sos writing has become a four part series, and I can’t give enough thanks to everyone who has read, shared or given me feedback on it so far. You’re all bloody wonderful. 

Here is Part One, Part Two and Part Three if you’d like to revisit them first. 

Today’s part is more sad than angsty, but I also tried my best to give it a sense of peace and calm. I’ve put everyone through enough with this series so far 😂😂

Word count: 1.5k

Warnings: mentions of death of a parent and cremation, minor swearing, unprotected sex in an established relationship/some pretty soft smut about halfway through (so don’t read unless you’re 18+ thanks team)  

(This is a fem reader insert)

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It was raining, on the day that he left you. 

The sound of the rain pelting down on the tin roof of your mother’s house woke you before your alarm, and part of you hoped that the weather would be so bad that Ashton’s flight would be delayed (ideally indefinitely, but you’d settle for a few more hours). 

He looked so peaceful, sleeping beside you. You couldn’t stop yourself from reaching over to gently brush your fingers through his curls, and then down onto his cheek. Ashton murmured in his sleep, keening towards your touch. His arm, that had been around your waist almost all night before you’d woken up and rolled over to watch him quietly, reached out for you instinctively, and you let him pull you into his embrace once more. 

You’d started trying to put distance between you about a week before Ashton was due to return to Los Angeles. You thought you’d made your peace with it, with how you felt once you’d scattered your mother’s ashes, but the anxiety was starting to build and your defensive instinct kicked in. Just little things at first, like taking a bit longer to respond to messages or not answering every call, or declining invitations to dinner with his family that you would usually never miss. But, Ashton being Ashton, he picked up on it straight away and called you out on it. A fight ensued, and honestly you wanted that to be the end of it. Because if you fought, it gave you a reason to be mad. A reason to try and forget about him, a reason to push away all of the feelings that were trying to burst out of your chest, a reason to move on. 

But Ashton knows you so well he can tell what you’re thinking, so he pushed back. He held you until the screams became sobs, and until the sobs became whimpers, and until you were able to use your words to tell him what was going on in your head. About how you didn’t know how to hold it together, and how it felt stupid because he’d only been back for a month after you’d had literally years apart, and you knew deep down you were strong enough to go on without him but fucking hell it just hurt so much. 

You could tell Ashton wanted to say that he loved you, but he was holding back after your outburst when he’d tried previously. At this point, neither of you needed to say it, you could feel it in every touch or every spoken word. The emotional pull between you both was stronger than it had ever been, and you just knew that the moment Ashton stepped onto the plane, it would shatter you. But that’s the thing about life, isn’t it? Sometimes the universe works its magic for you, and sometimes it fucks you over. Although you had been hoping for a bit more magic lately, given the absolute carnage of the last few months of your life. 

You could also tell that Ash wanted to ask you to go with him. It was in his eyes when you told him you’d decided to take indefinite leave from your job, to give you time to heal. But when you went on to say that you wanted to focus on caring for your siblings, and packing up your mum’s house, and building a home for yourself somewhere nearby, the hopes he had of convincing you to let him buy you a plane ticket were slim to none. But part of you still wanted him to ask, because knowing that he wanted you near lit your soul on fire. 

It was a fire and a passion that was building more by the day, and constantly fighting the sadness and melancholy that was also within you. The night before Ashton was due to fly back to LA, you’d had dinner with his family and yours, laughing and chatting like it was the most natural thing in the world. He insisted on coming home with you, for once last peaceful night’s sleep in each other’s arms, and you couldn’t say no to that. 

But when you were finally alone, and Ashton was waiting patiently for you under the covers like he had so many nights before, you couldn’t take any more quiet words or gentle touches. You needed more. At first Ashton was taken aback at the desperation of your lips against his, but he quickly understood your intentions and kissed you back with an intensity that sparked more passion than you’ve ever felt before. Shirts were pulled over heads, and jeans were undone and pushed off, and it was all so messy and rushed and wild but it felt so right. When Ashton hovered over you, he paused, to make sure you’re okay, and to check that you really want to keep going. You nod in earnest, managing to utter a breathless please, and Ashton’s eyes never leave yours as he slides into you and you clutch at his shoulders with an overwhelming sense of pleasure and content. You felt him murmur that he loves you against your lips, and without hesitation you say it back. Because you do love him, and you always have, and sometimes you just need to say it out loud to truly feel it. 

And now here you were, watching him sleep as the rain drummed against the roof and splashed down onto the window of your bedroom. You knew your alarm was imminent, and Ashton would be grumbling for his coffee before too long, but you just wanted to take a moment to paint a picture of him in your mind like this. Calm. Content. Yours, and no-one else’s; just like you were his. The beeping of your alarm broke you out of your revelry, and Ashton groaned as he stretched and rubbed his eyes.

“Were you watching me sleep? You weirdo.” He teased, sitting up to face you. 

“Just doing a bit of an Edward Cullen on you, mate. Gotta savour the precious moments, you know.” You retorted, trying not to let the gloominess in your mind become obvious in your voice. 

Ashton laughed, and you closed your eyes at the sound, suddenly feeling the anxiety of his impending departure hit you like a ton of bricks.

“Hey. Hey. We agreed no sad vibes, right? This is a temporary relocation, a bump in the road. I’ll be back before you know it, and we’re going to talk every day, and maybe you could come visit when you feel ready - “ Ashton began rambling, trying to reassure you, but instead you felt the need to reassure him but pressing your lips to his.

“No sad vibes. But everything in life is temporary, Ash. For some people, even life itself is.” You couldn’t even try to hide the sadness that coated your words.

A quick shower and a short breakfast later, and Ashton’s mother had arrived to take him to the airport. At first he’d wanted you to come along, but the risk of being spotted or photographed was high, and you definitely couldn’t count on yourself to keep it together in such a public place. Also, you felt guilty for taking up so much of Ashton’s time while he’d been back, despite his and his mum’s protests at such a claim, but it was on your mind all the same. 

Once Ashton’s suitcases were in the car and he’d said goodbye to your siblings, they all gave you a moment alone in the kitchen for your farewells. Part of you wanted to laugh at how full-circle the moment was, Ashton farewelling you in the same spot he’d greeted you weeks ago after years of separation, and another huge part of you wanted to cry at the exact same train of thought. 

You muster enough strength to meet Ashton’s gaze, and he pulls you into his arms without another word. You’re met with the same warmth and feeling of safety and security and wholeness that you had in that moment a few weeks ago. There’s whispered words of thanks and encouragement, and soft kisses pressed to your temple, and then Ashton’s pulling away and walking out the door into the rain. You know he’s trying his hardest not to look back at you, but you see him steal a glance when you stand in the doorway to watch the car pull out of the driveway and drive off down the street, and there’s a glint of tears in his eyes. 

Part of your soul drives away, too. But part of Ashton’s stays with you. And that’s how you know that this time won’t be the same as before. Because you won’t be able to forget the feeling of how much he loves you, and how much you love him, no matter how sad or angry you get or how many miles are in between you. Because eventually, he’ll come home to you again. A thousand times over.  

It’s funny how you can forget everything except people loving you. Maybe that’s why humans find it so hard getting over love affairs. It’s not the pain they’re getting over, it’s the love.

Taglist: @suchalonelysunflower​ @blackbutterfliescal​ @redrattlers​ @loveroflrh​ @spicycal​ @notinthesameguey​ @metalandboybands​

#my writing #ashton irwin #ashton irwin imagine #ashton irwin blurb #ashton irwin angst #ashton irwin one shot #5sos writing #all emo things must come to an end #it's not the pain they're getting over #it's the LOVE