#spent the entire session today being talked over and my turn to RP being the one that people decide to clown through | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

spynorth · 1 year

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psa to say that yeah, this is a lucas north rp blog (obviously) - but i veer off so much from the popular way of thinking about him because I don’t want a character that is entirely excused by trauma, because for one I don’t believe that’s acceptable. But for another, being able to face up to some fucking awful mistakes and finding the courage to be the person that did those awful things while starting the next step after over a decade of hiding is something that really strikes a chord in me. I think writing is a way for authors to exorcise a lot of our own demons and come to grips with things that have happened to us in a way that allows us a different perspective from outside the situation. It’s just important to me that I write this character in a way that means people who make decisions without no true ‘excuses’ can still come back just like the trauma motivated ones. A quote from Lucas that is really used a lot on gifsets etc is when he says I’m nothing, in regards to the colleague he’s confronting asking if he’s Lucas North or John Bateman (which is obviously the question of, are you the man who did those things or are you the man you’ve been pretending to be? you have a choice.) and that’s a line of dialogue that hits so close to home. I’ve spent seven years being asked that same type of question in therapy sessions and appointments with my psychiatrist since my mental breakdown that led to my diagnosis and I’ve answered the same way he does so many times. I’m starting to learn that there doesn’t have to be a Taylor vs a Lucas .. I’ve spent the last 6 months since creating this blog trying to show myself that the great thing about being human is we can be whoever we want to be, we’re not defined by actions. I look back at the last seven years and I look at those months leading up to my first psychotic episode and that sense of loss when it was all over and I wish I could sit next to that version of me and tell him it was going to be okay, that he was gonna make it and find his pride again. It took away so much of me.

I came back afraid of the most inconsequential things, like the fucking toaster. Me, extroverted as fuck me, couldn’t talk to people. I was scared of the AC, like to the point where I kept it turned off while hunter was away from the apartment even if it was one of our -50 days. I became violently angry, which I think was a part of the anxiety and the fact that I was also trying to recover from alcoholism etc at the time. I would hide in the closet or under the bed because I had crippling anxiety. I didn’t read a book for 4 years. I dropped out of my master’s program. I stopped riding. I had nothing. I was nothing as far as I knew based on what i had always used to define myself and people’s reactions when they found out. If I could, I would want nothing more than to tell myself I didn’t have to spend so much time keeping up a giant divider between what I was then and who I became post diagnosis. I stood on the roof just like Lucas and contemplated the same thing he did, but I had a lifeline and I want to use this blog to explore what happens if he did too while not excusing what he did or apologizing for him by pushing the blame onto other things. I believe that we all have a choice in how we react to things. I have to believe that. It’s the only thing that’s gotten me where I am today. anyways this is an emotional post to explain why I dig so deep into certain parts of this character and why having what I decide to do respected is so fucking important to me.

#anyways this got longer than i meant it to lmaoo #long post //#i don't care one bit if someone likes a portrayal of mine and i've never actually had anyone argue with me #unless it was about not writing cs on killian bUT #if it starts over here - save yourself the time and find the door on your own bc i give no fucks #anyways i watched a music video to a song that already emotionally wrecks me and i was destroyed so.#i started thinking about this bc its so important.#i also think this is why its so damn important to love people and to be a decent fucking human

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katherine-rambles · 6 years

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this morning was WAY TOO MUCH.... but this afternoon was so nice.

so, to recap:

morning

wake up at 7AM and vomit (again). migraine persists from last night; going on ~17 hours now

try to go to sleep, since i can’t keep water down yet

dad wakes up, proceeds to begin freaking out about the state of the house because he was gone for fri-sun and “expected the house to be clean” when he got back

(he does so by immediately blaming me and kali for “doing nothing” all weekend. demonstrably wrong, but i digress, we’ll get back to that.)

(me and sis... primarily work on the weekends. so it’s hard for us to clean when we’re out all day. this has been the case for at least half a year.)

so from like 8AM to 9:30AM i’m being yelled at to work on the door more and i do so to avoid the sharp terrible pain yelling incurs

dad left at 9:30 to do chores. i did what little i could of the door on my own, broke down crying to my sis, then literally drew my dad a picture of how i spent my weekend (working, doing chores, maybe FOUR HOURS to myself altogether, incl. meals) and then ended it with a plea to let me sleep. i went to sleep

i’m fairly sure he did actually read it and let me sleep (though once i woke up and started helping he still continued to grumble).

woke up around 11:30, got meds in me, along w water and some chips

spent an hour cuddling sage, low-key like

got up, started helping with cleaning. did a lot, including cleaning the kitchen, dusting for cobwebs everywhere, helping fix up my door, a variety of lesser duties

dad went shopping, i continued with chores, then retired to my room to start getting ready for game.

dad comes back, dROPS A FOURPACK OF GLASS BOTTLES ON THE COUNTER, which does the following:

makes a LOUD noise

has me jumping out of bed to help, barefoot

cuts him, so he’s bleeding everywhere

sends glass shards across the entire kitchen, both on far counters and on the floor

and to top it all off, the bottles were unopened and therefore full of liquid, which was now all over the counter and floor AND mixing with blood

RIGHT as dad is supposed to be going to pick someone up from the airport

so what happens:

dad takes a shower and does bandages and vamooses.

i clean, first going very carefully with a broom, then with a mop, then with a towel to dry everything. on the counters, i did a towel first, then water, then another towelling

at the same time, my tabletop group learns that someone isn’t coming, as he tells us at the last minute for the second session in a row. so there’s Complaining happening while i’m mopping up blood and prepping mentally for potentially running this character a second game in a row

i have to fucking. Air Dry my sweat while wearing bare minimum decency measures. after about 30 minutes, i get dressed

this is where the day begins to turn round, after i get dressed.

given the events of earlier, i was DETERMINED to dress well. as a princess. i think i did pretty well, considering a.) it’s WAY TOO HOT OUT so i couldn’t do layers without risking more headaches and b.) i wanted to spend bare minimum effort on it

https://www.instagram.com/p/BixwbgBBz_V/?taken-by=k.times.two

i petitioned my dad to pay for my hair dye job while he was feeling generous to me. he said yes. idk if he knows how expensive it’s gonna be lmao but that’s gonna be his birthday gift to me. considering he’s planning on spending nearly no time with me my entire birthday week thanks to nearly last minute plans? probably a fair trade overall.

i got super ready for game.

GAME TIME

i got food with @becna and i practically inhaled two quesadillas

i actually had cash money at game? so i didn’t have to do the five-dollar-minimum thing, and i was able to pitch in for the pot of room rental!! having cash is so nice

there was no magic event today, so it was REALLY CALM. i liked that. very wonderful to not step out of game into a room full of yelling people

it was an INCREDIBLY rp-heavy game. i reallllllllyyy enjoyed it. i was so involved i didn’t even draw much! ty @niiwaa !!! i’ve still gotta go back over that sheet with a fine tooth comb and tease out all the great details, but it’s... Good Shit. thank you for the tragic backstory. it’s appropriately Bullshit for cecelia to have thrown away a life of comfort & all its trappings in the single-minded pursuit of her Passion™. i hope cecelia feels better about the wife and lets people know so they can help her... be less of a roiling mass of anger and useless nervous energy

got to rant some about things to people, which is nice. just to have, like, that support and care. ilu all

talked to folks and met some new ppl online. excited about that stuff!

anyway i’m just. excited

but it’s nearly 3 am and i’m... very glad i don’t have work tomorrow.

#text #present #curiosity #happy #becna #niiwaa #upset tummy

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