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jlhynde-insanitybrilliance · 5 years

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Free! Headcannon: ‘Rin’s American Friend’ (a.k.a don’t give a paintball gun to an american.)

A/N: This is what it’s like to play paintball w/ a trigger-happy-gun-loving-American. Style 5 + Ai, Momo, & Sousuke.

(Note: I’m using Jane Doe instead of s/o b/c I feel like the use of s/o takes readers out of the story & also it’s what unidentified bodies are called in the morgue.)

Rin Matsuoka:

Rin is 1000% done w/ this sh*t. (=_=)

He knew this was a bad idea. He knew it! But that didn’t stop the others from plowing right on ahead.

The second one of the guys suggested paintball her eyes started to sparkle & a scary smile stretched across her face. It was the kind of smile Rin had only seen when she was about to deliver a well-deserved-can-of-whoop-a**. & he just knew this was a bad idea.

But no one listened to him. Not a single one of his friends headed his suggestion “like hey maybe it’s not the best idea to give a paintball gun to a gun-loving American...” & now they were all reaping the consequences.

(more under the cut...)

Jane Doe was a monster on the course. It wouldn’t have been half as bad if Jane was just a trigger-happy-moron who had never fired a gun in her life & had terrible aim. But no. Rin knew that Jane used to shoot skeet w/ her dad on the weekends (probably still does.) & that meant that her aim was on point.

That didn’t make her any less of a doofus, though. She was just a idiot w/ excellent aim. Throughout the game she kept laughing maniacally like one of those old James Bond Villains & shouting out lines from American action flicks. But she kept mixing them up so none of it made any sense.

“Say hello to...THE CHIMICHANGAS!!!” “YIPPIE KAY-YAY...YA FILTHY ANIMALS!!!” “Who ordered the whoop-ass fajitas?!” “Merry Christmas MOTHERF***!!!”

“IT’S NOT CHRISTMAS, JANE!”

~Oh, lord give him patience. How did he get such an idiot for a friend?~

It was fortunate for him that he had wound up on the same team as Jane b/c he sure as hell didn’t want to trade places w/ Sousuke right now.

(Sousuke had been pinned down for the last 5 min while Jane fired like a ba-sh*t-llion of paint balls at the tree he was shielding himself w/.)

But just b/c Rin was on the same team didn’t mean he wasn’t the victim of friendly-fire.

“F*ck. Jane, I’m on your team!”

“Sorry, Rin!”

He was basically trying to stay out of her way & not get hit w/ anymore stray paint balls. But that didn’t stop him from shouting out at her when she did or said something particularly moronic.

“Look north, Makoto!”

“You’re standing east, Dumba**!”

Haruka Nanase:

Worst.teammate.ever. He was like zero help in this situation.

Like Rin, he had been lucky w/ the odd number of players & got stuck on the same team as Jane. But he hadn’t lifted a finger to help Rin take down the other teams.

You know how you have those people who just sit on the sidelines w/ a lawn chair & a bowl of popcorn & watch the world burn? Well that’s Haru in this mess. Except he’s not sitting on a lawn chair, he’s crouching behind a wooden wall, & he’s not eating popcorn, he’s munching on dried pineapple slices that Jane had given him.

He probably just didn’t want to get slaughtered when he stepped out from behind that wall. So he stays back & guards the fort.

~“What fort? That’s a wall, Haru! Get out here and help me!!!” Rin yells at him from the other side of the course.~

He spends the majority of the game watching Jane. Images of that kiss still running through his mind. He may have started to develop a little bit of a crush...

BUT SHE’S TOTALLY INSANE!!!!

Haru is a little scared of her to be honest. & w/ good reason as she just eliminated Rei while taking a flying leap off a 9 foot wall.

But then she stops & blows him a kiss... ~ <3

~“Gross! Jane, stop flirting with my friends!”~

(Rin is beyond disgusted by her PDA towards Haru.)

Sousuke Yamazaki:

~“Someone help me!!!! F*ck!!!”~

He’s in some serious trouble. Like he is 100 miles up sh*t creek without a canoe. Where the hell is Makoto?!

Sousuke was on the team w/ Iwatobi’s swim captain, but he couldn’t find the other boy after the first wave of paint balls. Which means he’s on his own trying to pull a John McClane & not get shot. But he’s battling against the freaking Terminator.

If he wasn’t so panicked right now, he’d probably be impressed by how accurate Jane’s aim was. B/c dang does that girl knows how to shoot! She’d be totally boss at the shooter games at the summer festivals.

But right now Sousuke’s huddled behind a tree after Jane got the upper hand in their standoff. Maybe he should just surrender...

~“I’ll take no survivors! Mhuhahahahaha!!!”~

Or not. (-_-)

Rei Ryugazaki:

He was taken out within the first minute of the game. He had wanted to devise a plan that would take into account the physical terrain of the course along w/ the wind speed & wind’s direction...

But while he was calculating all the math. Jane had been able to sneak up on him.

He still didn’t know where Ai-chan-san went though. Maybe if he had been there Rei would’ve been able to put the plan into motion, however the white-haired boy was strangely missing (hiding).

Later Rei was beyond grateful that he was the first to be eliminated b/c it was after that that Jane became this force to be reckoned w/. & like everyone else she scared him sh*tless.

He spent the rest of the game sitting w/ Haru-sempai & eating dried pineapple.

Makoto Tachibana & Aiichirou Nitori:

(o-o) !

(O_O) !!

\(>u<)/ !!! “SAVE US FROM THE SCARY AMERICAN!!!!!”

These two guys were immediately regretting every life decision that led to this moment. Had they known this is what Rin was talking about when he said it was a bad idea, they would’ve never had agreed to play.

The second the paint balls started flying they both hit the the ground & army-crawled to where they thought would be safest.

It just so happened that they both thought the safest place was behind a monstrous old tire. But the tire wasn’t big enough to hide them both.

“I was here first. You move.”

They played a round of rock-paper-scissors to who decide who would get to keep the spot. ~they both played paper~

Then a paint ball came whizzing past & Makoto barely managed to tackle Nitori out of the way before hit him. It was then decided that safest option would be to get to where Rei and Haru were at.

(That spot seemed to have become the designated safety zone.)

~“Look north, Makoto!”~

OH SH*T!!!

“Nitori-kun run, I’ll distract her while you make a break for it!”

“Sempai...”

“Go now! Hurry!”

~“I won’t forget your sacrifice, Sempai!!!” Nitori cried as he made a mad dash across the open field.~

Nitori ran like his life depended on it & ducked behind some barrels. Heavy footsteps started to approach from his right. This was it --he adjusted the gun in his hands & took a deep breath. 1. 2. 3...

“Wait, Nitori-kun...!”

Makoto tried to stop him before the younger boy unleashed a wave of paint balls. But Nitori had already pressed his fingers down on the trigger & was firing paint balls every which way as he screamed at the top of his lungs.

(This was the end to Makoto & Rin. The latter of which got hit by one of the stray paint balls.)

Jane shot Nitori seconds later.

Nagisa Hazuki & Momotarou Mikoshiba:

These two idiots had started this mess.

It was their idea to go to a paintball arena. It was them who convinced the others not to listen to Rin. They were to blame.

Not that they honestly cared, though. These two were having the time of their lives as they reenacted the last stand of Alamo. If they were going to go down they were going to go down fighting.

Amazingly enough they weren’t picked off within the first 10 minutes like everyone else. But instead retreated to tower-like structure to wait while Jane picked off everyone else on the field.

What ensues is pure chaos & hilarity for the others watching from the safety zone. Nagisa & Momo are just as trigger happy as Jane. But their aim wasn’t nearly as good.

So their brilliant idea? That’s to charge out at the same time & fire a cr*pload of paint balls in her general direction while yelling at the top of their lungs.

Jane of course fires two shots & hits both of them, but not before Momo trips on his shoelace, thus knocking down Nagisa & Nagisa’s gun accidentally discharges & that last paint ball hits Jane square in the chest.

The way things worked out all three were eliminated at the same time leaving only Haru the only one unscathed.

~“But he didn’t even do anything!” Rin sulks.~

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