#that’s how my uncle enters the picture. his father was a violent drunk and his mom (my tía) was scared so she took the kids and ran.

[pocket-luv101]

Summary: Kuro finds Mahiru asleep in his pub. (KuroMahi, Modern AU)

“It was busy tonight. I’ll close up the kitchen so you can go to study for your exam, JeJe.” Kuro told his brother. The family owned a small pub and they would often work late. He was tired himself but he thought it was important for his siblings to focus on school. “Wrath will get angry at both of us if she thinks that I made you work late instead of doing your school work.”

Their conversation was interrupted when Hyde entered the kitchen and said: “We have a problem with a customer. He’s your regular and he’s asking for you, Kuro.”

“Me?” Kuro wondered what the customer could want with him. He didn’t have anyone he would consider a regular customer either. He rarely worked as a bartender since he preferred to cook in the kitchen. His siblings were better at small talk so he would leave the job to them. The pub was quiet so the customer wasn’t violent or angry. He wiped his hands and said, “Can you tell me what to expect?”

“You’ll call it ‘troublesome’.” Hyde told him and took the hand towel he had been using to wipe the counter. He started to clean the kitchen for him while Kuro stepped out of the room. His brother’s description of the customer was vague and he didn’t know what to expect. At first, he didn’t see who the person was and he thought the bar was empty.

He scanned the room and he noticed someone sitting at the bar with their head resting on the table. It was clear that the person had fallen asleep and Kuro sighed. He didn’t know why Hyde asked him to deal with the customer when he could’ve simply woken the man and called a cab for him. Kuro was glad that the problem wasn’t an angry drunk at least.

He stood next to the sleeping man and lightly shook his shoulder. As the man shook his head, Kuro was able to see his face and he gasped softly. He never expected to see Mahiru again, yet here he was. He could only stare at him while the memories of their relationship came back to him.

They had broken up the month before they graduated high school. The tears that Mahiru had that day still stabbed at his heart and Kuro traced his fingers over his cheek. Mahiru had the opportunity to go to a prestigious college and it would allow him to pursue his dream of becoming a photographer. But the school was in another city. Kuro didn’t want their relationship to hold Mahiru back from accomplishing his dreams. He made the difficult decision to break up.

“Kuro…” Mahiru mumbled his name in his sleep and his voice pulled him out of his memories.

“What am I going to do?” Kuro whispered and ran his hand through his hair. He was still in love with Mahiru so he didn’t know how he could face him after their break up. He didn’t know if he came to the bar to see him again but a small part of him hoped that he had. With a shake of his head, he reminded himself, “Don’t be selfish. Mahiru is better off without you.”

Despite those words, Kuro found himself gravitating to Mahiru. They hadn’t seen each other for a year but he hadn’t changed in that time. His face still had the soft and vulnerable expression whenever he slept and the sight made Kuro feel protective of him. Mahiru moved in his sleep and he almost fell off the stool but then Kuro caught him. “You could’ve chosen a better place to sleep.”

He slipped an arm under Mahiru’s knees and supported his back with his other hand. Slowly, he lifted Mahiru off the chair and took him to a lounge chair in the corner of the bar. When he held him close to his chest, he could smell alcohol on his breath. Had he been drinking before he fell asleep at the bar? He would have to lecture his brother about letting him drink too much.

Kuro was careful to not wake him as he lowered him onto the lounge couch. Then, he took off his jacket and draped it over Mahiru so he would be warm. He sat next to him and considered what he should do. Should he wake him and talk? Would it be best to have one of his siblings wake him and send him home?

They hadn’t spoken since the break up and Kuro wondered if college had been stressful on Mahiru. There were dark circles under his eyes so he was likely tired and needed sleep. He decided that it was best to let him sleep on the couch and watch over him. A part of him knew that he chose to let him sleep so he could avoid facing him again.

Unconsciously, he started to stroke his brown hair like he would in the past. Mahiru’s face relaxed under his touch and the small change squeezed Kuro’s heart. One of the things he loved about Mahiru was how honest his expressions were. Seeing him again brought back the regret he thought he had let go. They would call each other a few times after he moved to his new school but Kuro eventually stopped picking up his phone. It was painful to hear his voice when he couldn’t hold him.

“Kuro…” He spoke again. Mahiru turned on his side and hugged the jacket around him. The subtle scent of spices and seasoning that clung to the jacket reminded him of Kuro. In high school, he would visit him after the bar closed and his clothes would smell like spices from working in the kitchen. He realized that the cushions beneath him felt much stiffer than his bed and he sat up in confusion.

His eyes fell onto Kuro next to him. Mahiru opened his mouth to say his name yet he couldn’t form words. He had imagined a thousand different things he would say to Kuro if he ever met him again. They were a happy couple and he didn’t understand why Kuro suddenly broke up with him. He was upset and angry at first but now he only wanted an explanation.

Kuro was the first to speak. “You fell asleep on the counter and I was worried you would fall off the chair. I moved you onto the couch. Do you have a headache or feel sick? I can call a cab to take you home if you can’t drive. Your eyes look alert but your face is a little flushed.”

“I only had two drinks. That’s not enough to make me drunk even if I’m a lightweight.” Mahiru didn’t tell him that his blush was caused by how close Kuro was. He tried to stand but his legs were a little unsteady beneath him. His gaze fell to the ground in embarrassment and sank back onto the chair. A hand fell over his shoulder and he looked back to Kuro.

There was only kindness in his red eyes and Mahiru bit his lip. “Don’t look at me like that, Kuro. You’re going to give me the wrong idea of how you feel.”

“I’m sorry.” He took his hand back and sat next to him on the couch. Kuro didn’t want to see the pain in his else because he knew he would try to comfort him if he did. He broke his heart and he thought he didn’t deserve to hold him. An awkward silence surrounded them and he searched for something to change the subject. “Are you here on break?”

“The first semester ended and I decided to come home to visit my uncle. I’ve been busy with classes and I haven’t been able to stay in touch with everyone. I should go home before my uncle starts to worry. He isn’t as paranoid as Misono’s dad but I don’t want to make him worry.” Mahiru stood and slipped on the jacket. He didn’t notice that the jacket belonged to Kuro. “The cold air will help me become sober again.”

“I’ll walk you home.” He offered. “It’s dangerous to walk alone in the dark, especially when you’re tipsy. We already closed the bar so my siblings don’t need me here anymore.”

“Thank you.” Mahiru accepted but there was a brief moment of hesitation in his voice. He didn’t say anything further as he stepped out of the bar with Kuro by his side. The cold air made him shiver and he pulled the jacket’s zipper higher. He realized that he had put on Kuro’s jacket unintentionally yet he hadn’t commented on it. He reasoned that he could return the jacket once they reached his home.

He lived only a few blocks from the pub and Mahiru found himself dragging his feet to spend more time with Kuro. When he visited the bar, he hoped he could see Kuro again and speak with him. He ordered a few drinks for courage but he ended up falling asleep on the counter. Mahiru watched Kuro in the corner of his eyes. “How has business been?”

“We’ve gotten more customers. Since I graduated, I’ve been putting more hours into the pub and that helped keep down costs. Hopefully, the pub will bring in enough money to put Hugh and the others through school.” Their father had abandoned their family and Kuro did his best to support his younger siblings. Mahiru knew how important his family was so he couldn’t leave them. “What about you, Mahiru? I heard that your photos were featured in your college’s showcase.”

“Yes. I must’ve taken a thousand photos for the showcase. Art school is more work than people like to joke about.” Mahiru smiled wearily. “I threw myself into my work because I wanted to distract myself from our breakup. I couldn’t fully forget you though. The day I had to choose a photo to submit to the showcase, I came across this old picture. It was the reason I wanted to be a professional photographer.”

Mahiru took out a picture from when they were younger. The edges of the paper were worn from age. In the photograph, Kuro was asleep with a cat resting on his chest. “I wanted to take pictures of experiences and landscapes to share with others. While I was in class, each time I took a photo, I thought ‘I can’t wait to show this to Kuro’. Then I had to remind myself we broke up.”

“You deserve someone better than me, Mahiru.” Kuro stopped walking. “I’m sorry.”

“When you broke up with me, you said that it was because you cheated on me. I didn’t believe it then and I don’t believe it now. We’ve known each other for years and you’re not the type to cheat. It’ll be too troublesome.” Mahiru stood in front of Kuro and faced him. He cupped his cheeks and moved his gaze down to him. “Can you lie to my face and say you cheated on me?”

“I…” He started but then he looked into Mahiru’s large eyes. Kuro didn’t know how he was able to lie to him before. He had lied to him when they broke up because he knew Mahiru wouldn’t accept his true reason. He would’ve insisted that they try to have a long distance relationship but Kuro was worried it would hold Mahiru back. “I’m sorry, Mahiru.”

“For cheating or lying to me? Please, Kuro, I need to know why you broke up with me.” His voice started to break in time with his heart. “I loved you and I thought you felt the same way.”

Suddenly, Kuro gathered him into his arms and buried his face into his neck. He held him tight but Mahiru didn’t mind and hugged him in return. He slowly ran his hand down his back to feel his warmth after being apart for so long. Mahiru whispered, “Why did you lie to me?”

“I thought if I hurt you by lying, you wouldn’t have any regrets going to college. That school has been your dream for years. I need to be here to support my siblings and I don’t have a lot to give you. If anything, I’ll hold you back from your dreams.” Kuro didn’t lift his face from his neck and Mahiru could feel his warm breath against his skin.

“I understand, Kuro, I really do. Your family is important to you and I could never ask you to move to Tokyo where my school is. But couldn’t you have talked to me instead of breaking up with me the way you did? It hurt.” Kuro leaned back and tenderly ran his hand over his cheek to comfort him. Mahiru touched his hand and looked up at him.

Mahiru lifted himself onto his toes and kissed Kuro softly. “I could’ve gone to school in Tokyo and still date you. It would’ve been a lot of work but I’m willing to do it if it meant I can be with you. Aren’t we worth the effort?”

“You’re one of the most important things to me.” Kuro brought their joined hands to his lips and kissed his fingertips softly. “I thought I was doing what was best for your future by leaving but I only hurt you. I’m sorry, Mahiru. Will you take me back?”

“That’s the reason I came to your bar.” Mahiru smiled up at him. “Will you stay the night at my apartment? We have a lot to catch up on.”

#servamp #kuromahi #sloth pair #servamp kuro #mahiru shirota #fanfiction

[tgai-spock]

Lines of ice from rolling waves and subtle villains

So we arrive on earth.

Chapter 2

Earth was chaos. Vulcan cities may have been overflowing with people who never learnt to mind their own business, where privacy was afforded only in relation to ones personal life and behind closed doors, but earth was chaos. Was anyone paying attention to anyone else? Both yes and no, several times loud rowdy men pointed at Spock and shouted:

“Oi! Vulcan,” why he had no idea.  He’d never seen vulcans do this even by those who hated him for being a hybrid. Was it a statement of fact made by those who were mentally disabled, and was this gesture innocent, the same as a child pointing at a sky and saying, blue? Or was it something more violent? It was by the way, the sky, blue. Which was weird, there was little blue on vulcan, the seas were pink, the skies orange, although many of his clothes were blue, it was different seeing the colour where it naturally occurred. Other groups shouted at him too. Groups of girls huddled in groups would suddenly grow 3 times the size and point at him.

“Mother, at least on vulcan the vulcans pretend they aren’t talking about me. Send me back.” Spock said as they walked past another group. His mother, who was the only one he was shopping with looked more stressed than she had at his whining that the school was illogical, and that he was going to choose magic as a serious study course if he was forced to attend. That didn’t seem to bother his mother all that much, but it did make his father twitch in ways he hadn’t seen before, so he had put it down as one of his options along with science and computers. Of course his father wanted him to do computers, and math. 

“Maybe we should get you a hat. You could wear my scarf for now” Amanda motioned as she went to untie her scarf.

“If I even begin to remotely look like a girl I’m going to kill myself” Spock said. Amanda sighed.

“Listen, don’t let their shouting bother you. In school that will completely disappear, it won’t be stood for at all. They have plenty of other aliens attend, they can’t have people just shouting out species randomly. I feel the people out today our rather dim, and drunk.”

Spock shrugged “fine. But only because I’ve been called worse and they’re validating the fact I’m vulcan.” Amanda sighed, she wished her son wouldn’t say things like this. He wished this wasn’t true for him.

“Can you read the email and remind me what we need to buy?” Amanda asked “I’ve forgotten.” Spock flicked up his lightweight tablet that he had been carrying in his hand non-stop for the past three days.

The Letter:

For first years attending the school each pupil must bring with them the following :

General Lessons:

Notebooks for each lesson, at least one new one per term.

General stationary, including pens, pencils, scissors, gluesticks, and celllotape.

Scientific Calculator

Protractor and compass

Shorts for p.e, unacceptable clothes include jorts. Shorts may be any colour but no patterns, pictures, characters, or 100 pictures of Nickolas Cages face may be on them.

Jogging bottoms/leggings (plain in colour, no patterns).

Suitable shirt or jumper for p.e (no slogans or patterns.)

Hairbands/bobbles 

Tablet

If magic is a chosen subject they will need to bring:

Tarot cards

Tea Cup

Crystal ball

Spock hummed as he read through the items that were relevant to him, and they stopped outside a sports shop.

“Why does this say first years on it?” Spock asked.

“Oh, sometimes parents think their children will be better in a school that caters for children between the ages of 11-14 as they’re still very young. This is a school for older 15—17 year olds. Isn’t that good?”

“How?”

“You won’t be alone on your first day of school.” Amanda said.

“I guess” Spock said as he tried to work out if there were any benefits (currently Spock’s new slogan was ‘I guess’ but what it actually meant was ‘I have no idea how that makes sense’). They entered the sports shop.

The walked around aisles to the shorts and jogging bottom sections. Spock picked up plainest, blackest pair of each he could find.

“You can wear colour now.” Amanda encouraged.

“I don’t want to.”

“You could.”

“And yet I’m not going to.” Spock said and Amanda sighed, she could see this wasn’t going to be an argument she won. They walked past some hats and Amanda puts a black cap over his head, that was just large enough to go over his ears.

“Mother. I don’t need a hat.” Spock said.

“I don’t want you to hide who you are, but it would be nice for people to stop yelling at you. At least while we’re walking down the street.” Amanda says the words as though she is stabbing herself with each one.

“So a hat is going to solve this.” 

“It might.. reduce the amount of shouts” Amanda reasoned “you don’t have to if you think thats worse.” Spock took off the black cap and picked up a sparkling silver hat, that was enough to make an elder vulcan faint on the spot. He put it on his head. Amanda grinned.

“You may have that hat.”

“Oh” Spock said, this hadn’t been what he wanted at all.

“Your father will hate it. And I’ll get you the black one too incase you suddenly find it too garish.” Amanda said.

“Okay but, I’m going to wear this non-stop as soon as I get back to vulcan. ” Spock said although he had absolutely no plans to do so, if the vulcan sun reflected of this hat there seemed to be a great possibility that it would kill someone else upon immediate impact.

“You can, I am allowing it.” Amanda said. Spock didn’t know how to react. His mothers logical boundaries must have disappeared into the atmosphere as soon as they arrived on earth.

The walked around to the sports bra section, and Amanda stopped suddenly. Spock almost bumped into her. Spock looked about awkwardly.

“Wrong section” he said.

“The thing about human school is you will be expected to do sports in front of other people.”

“And.”

“You can’t do that in a binder.”

“And yet I will.”

“No you won’t” Amanda said quietly but with such force it was enough to stop him in his tracks. She picks up a few.

“Do you want black or another colour.”

“Black.”

“Okay.”

“Now we need tarot cards, a tea-cup and a crystal ball.” Spock said looking down at his tablet despite having already memorised them.

“Do you want to try these on? Check they fit?” Amanda asked.

“No. Where are we going to get this stuff? Is this stuff even real?”

“Oh I looked up a little place around here” Amanda said and lead the way to the changing rooms.

“I said no” Spock said.

“I am saving you. You do not want to do p.e in clothes you’re not comfortable in, go try them on.”

“They’re the right size.”

“It’s completely different to finding out if their comfortable, go on.”

* * *

There was a lot of crystal balls in the shop display. Every inch his eyes looked on, sparkled with crystals. Crystals on necklaces, crystals on rings, crystals on pendulums - and a number of dragon ornaments. 

“I should not have chosen magic” Spock sighs already defeated, Amanda laughs.

“Don’t think we don’t know you did that on purpose, your going through with it now” Amanda laughs pushing her son forward. They walk in through a dark blue door, and a bell above their heads rings as they enter.

“Good morning” a woman, with curly straw like hair behind a till greets them.

“Morning” Amanda replies “do you have any tarot cards?”

“I have a few selections available at the back” she points “would you like help choosing one?”

“No thank you” Amanda says and they walk in the direction the lady had pointed, around tables full of small gems with a ‘buy 4 get 1 free’ deal around them. The back of the store was different, slightly less gems appearing and more wooden rings. Much to Spock’s confusion, there were several wands and tall staffs with fancy curved wood tops.

“Why?” Spock asks pointing to a staff.

“Walking stick” says Amanda.

“Why?” Spock asks pointing to the wand.

“Religious practices. Your the one that choose magic, my aunt used to practice you know.”

“Is that the one married to the uncle who tried to kill me?” Spock asked.

Amanda sighed “well she’s divorced him now.”

“Erm” a voice from behind them, the shop keeper with wide eyes and a few extra packs of tarot cards in her arms said “I just remembered my shipment arrived this morning with some different tarot styles, so I thought I’d set them out for you.”

“Oh, thank you” Amanda said as the lady walked forwards and put down several extra packs. Amanda picked up one pack covered in cats, Spock picked up one that was black.

“You can take them out and have a look if you’d like, just remember to put them all back in.” The lady says and backs away, Amanda nods.

“This one” Spock says and chooses the cards that are all black except for the symbols outline on them, such as the 8 of swords which had 8 rainbow swords on it.

“Are you sure?” Amanda asks showing off the cats “I bet I could custom order one like this, but with sehlats instead.”

“I’m sure.” Spock said. Amanda shakes her head as they walk back over to the till.

“Well at least this has been quick. Excuse me do you have any crystal balls? The type you can see the future in.” Amanda asked

“Strange” the woman says “you’re the seventeenth person to ask me that.”

“There is a school nearby that has magic lessons, this is one of the requirements.” Amanda informs her.

“Oh” says the woman with her teeth as she looks up to her ceiling for a moment “yeah that would make sense. I thought everyone must just be like geeze, that Gandalf guys, pretty neat.”

Amanda nodded “I’m aware it’s a new school, is it new this year then, or is this a new shop?”

“Oh, I only brought the place a few months ago” the woman says as she places a large crystal on the bench “I guess I should check out the requirements that school has and get some  in stock. Whats it called?”

“Saint Daimon’s" Amanda nodded.

“Nice, modern. Hey I’ll tell you what, if you buy this big crystal ball I’ll give you and your son a discount on any of these protection stones. Never hurts to have a little extra help” she says and she waves her hand over a collection of different sized gems, some smooth, some rough like rocks.

“Would you like a magical stone for protection?” Amanda asks Spock calmly. Spock picks up a hand size rough orange stone covered in blue lines. He chucks it up into the air and catches in neatly in his palm.

“Yes. This looks like a protection stone” Spock says and places it next to the tarot cards and crystal ball. Amanda eyes him suspiciously.

“I don’t like how you handled that at all.” Amanda says.

“You said I could have the protection stone.” Spock says with one raised eyebrow.

“Is that all I can help you with?” The woman asks.

“Yes thank you.”

“Card or print?”

“Print” Amanda says as the woman types up the cost into her till.

[Chapter 1]         [Chapter 2]         [Chapter 3]          [Chapter 4]

[Chapter 5]         [Chapter 6]

#spock #amanda grayson #star trek tos #star trek #trans!spock #trans spock #star trek aos #umm like almost cannon universe except the enterprise crew go to school together for a big lmao #linesoficefromrollingwavesandsubtlevillains2 #loifrwasv #ahh I'm going to regret the title at some point #the fact spocks trans probably won't appear for say another... 50 chapters. lmao i err.i've drafted some out buy I'm... I'm still not done #on the draft

[underthewingsofthblackeagle]

The Murderess of the Grunewald (24): Secret Whitsun Holiday on Rügen (13): Sharing Joy and Suffering (6f) - Jamie’s Story (IV)

“Tür” by Pexels

Previously

Monday night, Whitsun weekend 2020, three days after Claire's release from prison

                 "And? Was the lady a 'rock solid Scot'?"

         "Well, her ancestors, like our ancestors, fled through Sweden to Danzig after the Battle of Culloden and later moved westward. After World War I, they settled in Berlin. And later, just before the wall was built, they also fled to the western part of the city. There she was born and went to school."

          "How do you know that?"

          "Oh, Claire! Of course, Jenny had already learned all that, and of course, that was the topic at lunch the day I met her."

          Jamie was silent for a moment.

          "She studied ecotrophology and then met her husband Ronald at the annual meeting of a traditional Scottish History Association. Later, they opened a restaurant, which made good profits. He took care of the business and the bar, she took care of the kitchen and the guests. But the success made him careless. He got engaged, well, let's say it this way, with people in the wrong circles. Then he also started to drink and became violent to her and their son. Nevertheless, she stayed with him, probably because of the child. Ronald died in a fire when his restaurant burned down. It is not clear what caused the fire. But the police suspected that he had troubles with several people. Perhaps Russians, protection racketeering. It seems he had upset someone, very much - and someone literally lit the house over his head. On the evening of the fire, he was drunk and had gone to sleep in the back room of the restaurant. He died of smoke poisoning before the house collapsed on top of him. Luckily, she and the child were in the family home a few blocks away. Thank God, nothing happened to them.

“Bier” by viganhajdari

         "Uh!"

         Claire looked at Jamie in concern.

         Both reached for their teacups at the same time. Was it genuine thirst or a gesture of embarrassment? Neither of them would have been able to give an exact answer. When Claire set her cup down again, she asked:

         "And? Was the woman, now a widow, looking for a father for her child?"

         "I can’t tell you," Jamie replied, still holding his cup in both hands.

         "We didn’t talk about that at all. As far as I know, there was insurance for the fire damage and she was probably also paid the life insurance of her husband. She and her son seemed to be well provided for."

         Still, he rotated his teacup back and forth in both hands. Claire knew he had a hard time talking about the matter, so she tried not to pressure Jamie. It took a few moments, then he put his cup on the coffee table. His breathing was heavy, it seemed as if he wanted to suck all the oxygen that surrounded him into his lungs. Then he clapped his hands over his face, took another deep breath and gave himself a jerk.

         "It's so embarrassing, Claire! So embarrassing!"

         Claire put her right arm around his shoulders and hugged him tightly as if she felt the need to hold Jamie's body together.

         "Actually, it was a nice day ... I arrived at the estate for half an hour before lunch ... The kids loved it, they had been looking forward to this day ... and, of course, to the presents, I brought with me ... When it was time for lunch, Jenny introduced me to this rock solid Scottish woman. Of course, I knew right away that this was once again one of Jenny's coupling attempts."

         "Why ... why didn’t you leave immediately?"

         "Oh, Claire," he replied, looking at her with eyes that begged for understanding.

         "I was looking forward to this day. I was happy to see my nieces and nephews. I was happy to escape the hot and humid Berlin, which was suffering from the summer heat. For several weeks, I had represented a client in a case before the  District Court, which was subject-specific but also emotionally very difficult. All I wanted was to be with my family, enjoy nature, drink some beer with Ian, have a good conversation, I just wanted to relax. Besides, I thought that Jenny had learned her lesson after her last misunderstanding ... after all, the whole thing had ended in court."

         Again he clapped his hands over his face and breathed audibly in and out.          "Please do not believe that it was easy for me to separate myself from my family. I ... I love them ... everyone ... including my sister ... You can not ... dis-sibling yourself  ... even ... if you sometimes would love to do that."          One more time he went silent for a moment. Claire could not see if he was just searching for the right words or if he needed time to gather his strength for the next step.          "No longer seeing my nieces and nephews ... to no longer seeing Jenny and Ian ... not going to Potsdam anymore ... where we spent so many happy years with my parents ... in the house, whose rooms are full of all the wonderful memories ... No, Claire ... even today it feels as if I had ripped out a part of my heart ... Potsdam, Claire, that was my home too!"          Claire's grip tightened on Jamie's shoulders. With her left hand, she pulled his face down to her and kissed him. Deep inside, his words had touched an area she had almost forgotten. Home.        

“Saint Peter & Saint Paul, Wantage” * Picture by Andrew Mathewson via WikiMediaCommons

         She too had had a home - once. The big house that lay on the unnamed branch of  Loks Lane, just beyond the Ford River, amid old, tall trees. Whenever she had walked this way to their home, alone or together with her parents, she had felt like she was in a fairyland. Built from the large, gray stones that were characteristic of this region of the country, in her childish imagination it looked more like a medieval castle than the residential house her parents had inherited from Papa’s parents. Looking back, the phrase ‘My home is my castle’ meant more than words to her. From their home, it took only a few minutes to get to Betjeman Millennium Park. And from there one reached the Church of St. Peter & St. Paul in just some more minutes. The massive 13th-century building, with its bright interior and stained-glass windows, had impressed Claire since she'd first consciously noticed it. Her earliest memories went back to a Christmas celebration in this church. She could still see it right up to the present: the big lights left and right next to the altar, the adults seated in their pews. And she could see herself sitting on the floor in front of the pews, busy playing with some toys. The choir sang the wonderful hymn of Gustav Holst In the bleak midwinter, which she had never forgotten and which she should forever associate with that feeling of home.

         Home, that was back then - back when her parents were still alive. But this home was lost. Like the memory of her parents, the memory of home was fading over the years. Today, Oxfordshire, Junction Loks Lane was just an address like any other.          

         The globetrotting life that she had led for so many years with her uncle Lambert had been exciting and interesting. But as much as her uncle loved her, Lambert Quentin Beauchamp could not really give her a home.         

         Then, years later, when she met Frank Randall, a certain hope sprang up in her heart: Together, they would start a family and create a home for themselves and their children. At last, she would get back what she had lost many years ago. And she had sworn herself, that she would do anything to make this new home for Frank and the children a place full of love, joy, and liveliness. They would be happy and enjoy life together. The joy she would see on her family's faces when they would be together in their home - this joy would give her the strength to do all the work that was required to run a large household. The love of her husband and the love of her children would compensate her for every sacrifice. She was convinced of that. But her hope had not been fulfilled. Worse, her hopes had turned exactly the opposite. Her dream had become a nightmare. Instead of living in a home filled with children's laughter, shared joy, and mutual love, she found herself in a cage. It was a golden cage, indeed. But it was tight and it cut her off from everything that makes a life worth living. And towards the end of her life with Frank, she had given up any hope that she would ever be happy again, that she would ever find a home. During the days she took pills to stay happy and awake and in the evenings she tried to fall asleep with the help of alcohol. Her life felt like a spiral that went only one way - down.         

         And when she was arrested the second time, her life seemed to have reached its endpoint. The only home she could expect until the end of her life was a 9-square-meter cell in a Berlin jail.          

         But then Jamie had entered the meeting room of the police department - and her life. And again there was a hope growing in her heart. But to this day, Claire had not allowed that hope to really take root in her heart. The fear of hoping for a home and then losing it before it had even become reality kept her firmly under control.

“Wohnzimmer” by JamesDeMers

         Jamie stood up suddenly and his movement tore Claire from her thoughts. He took a few steps to the fireplace, propping his arms against the mantelpiece. Then, all of a sudden, he pushed himself away and turned around jerkily.                  "He takes a warm-up."         

         The thought hit her hard, and inwardly she braced herself for the confession that would follow. His behavior had not escaped Bismarck. The dog had raised his head and was watching Jamie's movements attentively, while Adso was sleeping well-fed (and at peace with himself and the world) on one of the chairs at the dining table.          

         "The day went well and the party was nice. There were also some old friends from Jenny’s and my school days. After lunch, I joined some of them and avoided being alone with that woman. After coffee, Ian and I went for a ride with the older kids and after dinner, the whole company split up into groups. I joined Ian and the other men. They had made themselves comfortable in the garden with good cigars and old whiskey, while the women brought the children to bed and then sat together on the terrace with a glass of wine. Shortly after 10 pm I said goodbye and went to my room to sleep. I didn’t drink that much, but I didn’t want to drive that Sunday night. The next morning I had to be in Berlin. There were appointments scheduled with clients. So I said goodbye and everything seemed to be o.k."         

         Jamie had walked around the room without looking at her. Now he was back in front of the couch. Claire looked at him. Then she held out her right hand. He took it and she gently pulled him down.         

         "And what happened then?"         

         The words came softly out of her mouth, almost hesitantly. Claire herself was astonished when she heard them.         

         "I was in my room for maybe ten or fifteen minutes when there was a knock on the door. I thought it was Jenny - or Ian. So I called 'Come in!' And suddenly the rock-solid Scottish woman in her nightgown stood in front of my bed and started to undress! I told her to stop it. But she refused and said something about loneliness and that she was sorry for me. We could comfort each other in our loneliness."         

         Jamie shuddered, then fell silent for a moment.         

         "Can you imagine that?"  

         He took a deep breath, but only to relieve more of his anger.

         “How should I call that? Mercy sex?!”       

         Claire was startled by the sudden volume he spoke with. It seemed as if he wanted to jump up every moment. The vein, that run from his hairline to the root of his nose and which only became visible when he was trying hard, thinking hard, or when he was angry (and the latter was probably the case right now), was noticeably swollen. But Claire held his hands tight.         

         "What did you do?" she asked in a whisper.         

         "I opened the door and asked her to leave. But she didn’t want to, she tried to argue. I grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her over the threshold. Then I closed the door and locked it. I started to dress and packed my travel bag. She stood in front of my door for a few minutes. Then she probably realized that I wouldn’t take her offer and she went to her room. Sometime later, I sneaked out of the room and down the stairs. In the hall, I met Jenny. She had gotten a glass of water from the kitchen ... " 

“Eingang” by Tama66

         Jamie paused. Claire held her breath.        

         "Jenny asked what I was doing with my travel bag in the hall and I told her that I would leave and never come back. She looked at me as if she did not know what had happened. She ... she played the ignorance in person! As if this woman had dared to come to my room if Jenny hadn’t encouraged her! I ... I was so angry, Claire! So angry!"

         "I understand you, Jamie," she whispered.

         Once again she put her arm around his shoulders.

         "I dropped the bag to the ground, grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. It broke out of me like lava from Mount Etna. I shouted at her and told her that she had made a brothel out of our parents' house and that I would never forgive her for that. I took my bag and slammed the door behind me ... Then ... I drove to ... Kartzow Palace."

“Schloss Kartzow” by  Axel Hindemith [CC BY-SA 4.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)] via WikiMediaCommons         

          Jamie took a deep breath and Claire began stroking his back reassuringly with her right hand.

          "Katzow Palace was once a Prussian manor house. Today it is a hotel. The drive home would have taken only about 45 minutes, but I was so upset ... so upset ...  I didn’t want to risk an accident. I knew that at Kartzow they have a 24-hour reception ... so ... I  got a room and then stayed there."

          He lowered his head and said nothing.

          "And since then there's been silence between you and Jenny," Clair noted in a tone so calm she was once more surprised. Looking at Jamie now, she noticed that his eyes were filling with tears.

          "Yes, since then I have not seen Jenny or the kids. Only with Ian do I meet every now and then when he's in Berlin for business. We stay in contact via email and he provides me with pictures of my nephews and nieces ... Oh, Claire! They've grown so much these four years, I don’t even know if they would recognize me at all ... "

          Claire wished she could say something that would be a real comfort to Jamie right now. But everything she could think of seemed trivial, superficial, meaningless. She knew what it felt like to lose one's family. She knew what it felt to be torn away from home. And she knew that nothing could be a substitute for this singular place called home. Except maybe - a new home. Could she give him this new home? She didn’t know, and if she was honest, she had to admit that there was this little space in her heart that was hosting a big doubt.

         They sat in silence for a while. Jamie had his head against her shoulder and Claire had begun to gently run her hands through his hair, massaging his head. When she looked at her watch, she saw that it was nearly one o'clock at night.

        "Jamie?" she asked softly.

        "Hmm?"

        "I am very grateful that you have told me these things."

        He looked at her and nodded.

        "Let's go to bed now."

        Once again he only nodded. Then they got up, extinguished the light and went up, followed by Bismarck and Adso.

        That night, Claire was laying awake a long time. Jamie had fallen asleep relatively quickly and, as so often, lay on his back with hands folded over his chest. As she looked at Jamie's face, lit by the moonlight, she wondered if this man who had suffered so much did not deserve a better wife than the one she could ever be.

Thank you for reading. Next time, read: “The Murderess from the Grunewald (25): Secret Whitsun Holiday on Rügen (14): Sharing Joy and Sorrow (6g) - Jamie’s Story (V)”

#Outlander #Outlander Fan Fiction #TheMuderessoftheGrunewald #Claire Beauchamp #Claire Randall #Claire Fraser #Jamie Fraser #Adso the cat #Bismarck the dachshund #Grunewald #Berlin #Island of Rügen #Germany #Crime AU #Modern AU #Jenny Murray #Ian Murray