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seenashwrite · 5 years

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Nash Watches & Rates Cheesy Lifetime & Hallmark Original Christmas Movies, So You Don’t Have To (2018)

(a.k.a. - Nash Records Her Viewings Of Lifetime & Hallmark Original Christmas Movies, which are fanfic in visual form & are gold)

ETA Jan 2019: This adventure is now moving to @seenashblog, so my SPN peeps can rest assured they’ll not be exposed to this any longer - I have a feeling I’ll not be done purging my soul for awhile yet #bless my heart

Last Addendum, I Swear

But I caught one this morning called “Home For Christmas Day” that sailed into a 5/5 with little effort. Here’s a mash-up of two “official” summaries I found, and that’s all I am giving you:

An Army widow worries about her teenage daughter when she meets a soldier from the town's military base & starts to spend time with him during the two weeks before he ships out. The mother wants to spare her daughter the pain of losing someone she loves in action, so she tries to get her daughter to break it off with the soldier before she becomes attached. Little do they know they are about to learn important lessons of the heart and that taking chances can make this Christmas one they will cherish forever.

All 4 leads (mom, diner owner, daughter, soldier) are good actors (the daughter really impressed me), and they help overcome some dialogue that could’ve been less formulaic. A highlight is that Kristin Chenoweth’s “Home On Christmas Day”, a *phenomenal* song and one that has permanent residence on my holiday playlist, is featured and sung by a character who - wait for it - can actually sing and it was pleasant to hear, they kept it simple, and it’s the better for it. The movie could’ve gone Velveeta and shmoop and severe angst fast, but it didn’t. You’ll be torn on the ending, some of you wishing they’d gone the other direction. You’ll be sweetly tearful either way.

So, the new official rec list for the ones that are worth your time?

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

(5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime)

(5 of 5) Home For Christmas Day (Catherine Bell, Victor Webster - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Princess for Christmas (Sam Heughan, Katie McGrath, Sir Roger Moore - Hallmark)

And don’t forget: never, ever watch “My Christmas Love”.

Past entries below

Special (Royal) Addendum!

In a shocking turn of events, I’m about to recommend a [gulp] prince-and-princess-based plot Hallmark movie. I’m out-of-pocket a lot this week, but spotted this one randomly and needed to tell you about it, in case you had a chance to catch it. Because surprise, surprise - from some pretty impressive music for a TV movie, to some solid acting (even from the precocious children!), to a decent script, the most off-putting thing is the title. Possibly the best thing? It’s from 2011 but you may recognize the leading man:

So as a reminder, here’s my overall recommendation list for Christmas movies that are actually worth your time...

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

(5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Princess for Christmas (Sam Heughan, Katie McGrath, Sir Roger Moore - Hallmark)

...and the newest addition is the one in question, I’ll give you the scoop.

Google tells me that this was marketed in the UK as “A Christmas Princess”, but I don’t find that any better - I hate movies that blow their wad in the title. Let us not forget the Hallmark rule (and I am certain by this point it IS a rule) that “Christmas” must be in the title. So why not just “Christmas at _ Manor”? That implies aristocracy of some sort, it’s just.... blaaaargh, this channel. Wait hey, look what google told me!

* I swear on my stories that I did NOT see that before I wrote this draft *

Interestingly the version that’s on You Tube is called the latter, so... ya got me. But legit, I am shocked that when you click the “info” on the TV, it says it’s only got 2 stars. It’s higher on IMdB. Probs high ratings, too. I’m not looking it up.

Right. So. Heughan is a *phenomenal* actor, there’s nothing more to say there, and McGrath is high above average for not just typical Hallmark fare, but TV in general. I knew I recognized her, and turns out she was in the short-lived TV series Dracula about 4 years ago (of which I watched the pilot and peaced out), and google tells me she plays Lena Luthor on Supergirl presently (which I don’t watch), but where my lightbulb went off was that she’s the chick who inexplicably got yanked away by a pterodactyl and eaten by the water dino in Jurassic World. She is a gorgeous woman whose hair is made to look atrocious and it’s Hallmark tradition, so nobody’s surprised. One thing is that you’re going to find that on occasion (and it’s few-and-far between) she over-enunciates some words and will rush random parts of sentences, and google tells me she’s Irish, so I get it. A word will sneak in once in a blue moon, but it’s not grating, not in the least, but it’s there. Anyway.

Roger Moore is solid, of course, and points to him for not slipping into Bond mode, and also for not playing it too gruff. The teen boy is a great actor as well - he can pull an angst face and verbalize frustration without it going petulant teen, which is so refreshing I cannot even. And the little girl has a slight Shirley Temple thing going on, holds her own with the adults. Thankfully the servants are all charming and several funny and endearing moments happen because of and with/about/surrounding them. (The narrator is the head butler, too - and fear not, it only happens at the top and at the finale, and are lovely bookends.)

Okay, the story: it kicks off with narration, and it is very well done and cheeky - “Once upon a time in a land called Buffalo there lived a girl names Jules...” Jules --- ::sigh:: just call her Julie, ffs --- has gotten custody of her niece and nephew (about 6 and 14, respectively) after their parents (the Mom being Jules’ sister) died earlier that year. We find her in the midst of a shitstorm because she got fired from her job (and it’s a *very* cool job), the older kid shoplifted a game, and the girl drove away their babysitter with some pranks - she’s also apparently addicted to Doritos. Clearly they’re just processing, and high props to all involved for not taking it over the top. They’re just the right amount of troubled to where it’s not eyeroll-worthy on either the bratty end or the angsty end. She looks to be about 12 years older than the boy, so that’s another reason he’s probably not so with this arrangement, but she’s not harsh with him, she actually treats him like a person and tells him why his behavior is out-of-line and punishes appropriately, reminds him he’s not the only one who lost them, doesn’t go all authoritarian on him, another pleasant change in typical fare.

We find out that their dad was the son of a Duke of some wherever over in Jolly Ol’ - and THANK YOU SCREENWRITERS for keeping it simple and not making up some ridiculously-named kingdom tucked somewhere on the planet - but he gave up the title to marry a “commoner” and moved to America. Still, they get invited to the manor (”castle”? Didn’t look castle to me, but all right) and the brother of the Dad is Heughan’s character, Ashton, with whom Jules has some chemistry, yo. They get us there fast, about 12 minutes, and again against Hallmark type, those 12 weren’t crammed to the gills with backstory and prep work, because that stuff’s gonna unfold, we’ve got an hour twenty, we’re fine.

Heughan happens to technically be a prince (the faux land this must be for isn’t mentioned, again, bless you screenwriter) and it is easily explained without unneeded detail by saying “It’s through my mother’s side”. So I don’t know if that means the kids are lil’ princes and princesses because was Dad technically a prince? Or was he a half-brother? My point is, the Prince-Princess thing was unneeded - “A Duchess For Christmas” would’ve been fine, Hallmark. I promise. And maybe that’s what the writer intended, seeing as how his working script title had nothing about Princess in it. So it was a weird “Huh?” thing that happens a decent ways into the story, so it’s like....????

The rest of the movie goes how you think, but it’s got some genuinely charming moments, and it’s *entertaining*. See, Hallmark? You can take a basic storyline and not fill it with teenage-level angst, then dip it marzipan and roll it in sprinkles. Keep. It. Simple. Let the actors do their jobs. The hijinks aren’t over-the-top, the kids act and speak like actual kids - there’s actually a few lines out of Jules that I side-eyed more. Some of the music was too cutesy-quirky for my taste, but overall, like I said above, Night. And. Day. from the majority.

The dress they put her in for the ball at the end is absolutely appropriate, it is lovely and isn’t overdone (hair, minus the clip in it, looks awful, of course) and - realistically! - it’s different from the other ladies’ without being drastically so. And also realistically, the crowd isn’t gawking because she’s now the best thing in the room, they’re gawking because a commoner is amongst them.

Here’s why this gets a 4/5, and none of these are deal-breakers, but there’s just too many to justify a 5/5:

There is a dance scene that is embarrassing for everyone. But! I’ll be honest - their laughing looked real, I bet behind-the-scenes they’d gotten tickled at something, and Heughan throws all fucks out the window at one point, and bless him, because he saved it - the both of them had enough rhythm that it wasn’t altogether hide-your-eyes worthy; the better choice would’ve been to do the waltz he was teaching her to a more modern song, different tempo than the classic (I’m going blank on it, I feel like it’s the Blue Danube, but that’s irrelevant, anyway you’ll recognize it), throw in some relaxed improv steps. Snaps also to Heughan for faking playing violin well - and snaps to the director for some clever close ups that never quiiiiite give you a look at his (again, props - moving) fingers.

Second thing - the not-quite-climax set-up. I’ve not spoiled the others on the rec list, so I won’t spoil this one, either, but at about a half-hour til the end, the script goes with a trope and I just rolled my eyes. Granted, it didn’t go melodramatic and they saved it with a touch of a twist, and it is genuinely sweet. Still. Didn’t have to go the full distance, could’ve been taken care of while she was prepping to do what she did. I know that’s cryptic, you’ll get what I mean when you watch.

Third thing - the side-plot of the whoever-she-is Duchess or Lady something that expects Heughan’s character to marry her is WAAAAAAAY too much. And it’s the actress, it’s not the lines. Her choices of delivery are just bush league, even I know better and the only thing I’ve ever acted in is a third grade play. I was a Lucy VanPelt-type character (quelle surprise) and I kicked ass.

Other things: that whole “Huh? Prince, what?” stuff, and I could’ve done with a touch less shmoop ending, but the narration saved it.

Okay! There you go! A good princess movie! The rest are garbage.

And never, ever watch “My Christmas Love”.

Love, Nash.

#11

This is it, folks, last entry. And by "folks" I mean the maybe three who are reading these, and thanks, hope you've enjoyed. But the ratio of work-to-response isn't motivating enough to continue, plus the season's about over, and besides, this has covered in the ballpark of 20-ish movies. I think. I can't be bothered to count. So here's the last speed run, I'll cover some more than others, and I'll also note one final time my Yes You Should Watch These 4-and-5 Star Rec List with any updates at the end, as well.

You'll still get a post all its own (with screencaps to paint the full picture and an official, free link of where to watch) on the fanfic-y-est ickiest of all Christmas movies ever. It is too precious for words. I can't not write about it. And on top of that, I wrote an actual fic based on the same premise, because per usual I have seen a travesty that had potential, worked it over, then said:

#humbly

And without further adieu: here's your speed round of the ones to avoid at all cost (the 1 and 2 stars) and a handful that were all right, I thought, but when it comes down to it are a matter of taste and you may love them (the 3 stars). Oh, and spoilers in several places, because it's not going to matter because on tons of these you'll either (a) guess it yourself or (b) shouldn't waste your time.

I’m saving you, here.

Christmas in Angel Falls (Rachel Boston [a-gaaaaaaaain] - Hallmark)

"Guardian angel Gabby Messenger is sent to the town of Angel Falls to restore its Christmas spirit."

::sighs::

No.

As predicted, it was pure schmaltz (my note actually says "suicide by schmaltz") and the usually charming Boston was annoying as hell.

1/5 stars . A Royal New Year's Eve (Jessy Schram - Hallmark)

This one was so grating. There's a prince, she's a fashion designer, it has a bit of a Cinderella undertone (if you watch it you'll see what I mean, there's some boss as pseudo-stepmother and friend as fairy godmother and dressmaking and hidden identity action sprinkled in) and know right now that the prince's accent is inexcusable, it is ear-burning. I looked the guy up because I had to know his nationality, to make sure that I wasn't off the beam and that this was just some weird subset of fill-in-the-bank accent to which I was unfamiliar, but nah, he's from goddamn Milwaukee. That a dialect coach or the director or SOMEBODY didn't speak up is embarrassing, I hope he realizes now and doesn't have this on his reel. And as always, Jessy Schram is dialed to 11 on her typical coked-up mouse with flippy hair routine.

1/5 stars . Four Christmases and a Wedding (Nobody you'll know - Lifetime)

What? Huh? So the premise is he just keeps leaving for work and showing up again at the town Christmas festival with the shitty prom that happens afterward that they call a "ball" and I assure you it is not. They also kinda blew their wad in the title. Also-also, she's Perfect McBody but has had attached to her the trope of I LOVE FOOD GIVE ME ALL THE EATS which personally makes me sick.

1/5 stars . Christmas Everlasting (Tatyana Ali, Dennis Haysbert - Hallmark)

I mentioned this one in passing in an early entry, it's based on a book, so... not "original" totally. Here's why this one doesn't get onto the rec list - it's predictable. It's well-acted, but the story was weak, and I saw the "twist" coming a mile away, and granted - as stated prior somewhere in past entry - I happen to be bizarrely good at that, but I feel like you'd see it, too. Again, this could be the "fault" of the book, I don't know, I've never read it (it's called "The Other Sister", btw), I just judge the movie. Anyhow, it's the same ol' same ol' of big city gal comes home, dead family member (aforementioned sister - you know this immediately though, not a spoiler ), but rekindled lurve, and hey, she's gonna stay for good this time! Bonus appearance of Patti LaBelle, though, which is a bright spot.

The thing that worked my nerves the most was that they inexplicably got actors to play the main folks in flashbacks to 10 years ago who look *nothing* like Ali and the lead male (whose name I unfortunately didn't note, but he was familiar to me), and I'm not just talking hair, that and clothes are what they're supposed to do for changes in time period, I'm talking distinct facial structure and skin tone and height. It was, on god, the most bizarre "young actor analog" (for lack of knowing another way of putting it) that I have ever seen on film in my life, I'm not exaggerating. The genuine, heartfelt acting of Ali and co. is what gets this bumped to a 3 vs. a 2, because I didn't think it was a *complete* waste of time, despite the meh story.

3/5 stars . Santa's Boots (Megan Hilty - Lifetime)

These are my notes verbatim:

--> family department store --> hot flannel Santa --> tree farm --> exec who comes home to save the family business and she's gonna stay 4eva! --> wtf do the boots have to do with anything, I don't.... --> 2/5 stars - 1 b/c hot flannel Santa - should be 1 star . A Christmas Arrangement (it doesn't matter - Hallmark)

Flower shop, check. "Arrangement", get it? ::sigh:: You'll just *love* the first ten minutes, where the lead says "no" and rebuffs and in general tries to get away from this dude about a zillion times. Byeeeeee! Nash will be out after the first 15 mins (I give these 15 mins before bailing), guaranteed. [time passes] I was right. Angel Anna (a.k.a. the real Anael, thankyouverymuch) co-stars, and she's a better actress than the lead, who is absolutely grating in every way. Oh, and the font on the flower shop delivery van is Comic Sans.

1/5 stars . Every Christmas Has A Story (Lori Laughlin, Colin Ferguson, and Willie Aames who, it should be noted, has not aged poorly nor has he had obvious plastic surgery yet at the same time looks nothing like himself so figure that one out - Hallmark)

This should've been called Christmas In Hollyvale (I *think* that was the town), but whatever, she's a reporter and he's her producer, so "story". Get it? GET IT?! Lori Laughlin does not age, and Colin Ferguson can pull a face and inject snark on Jensen-levels, and they have great chemistry, both are funny, and are great actors, then there's Doug ("The Crew") who is a delight. The hotel attendant is a bit annoying. The "mystery" she solves is meh. And though the overall premise is fine, the pacing is sloggy, but it's not necessarily a complete waste of your time because your two leads are such great actors.

3/5 stars . Now, here's one that's terrifically bad that I actually suggest you *might* want to watch because while it's not the jaw-dropping holy shit this is stupid ride that will be the final entry, this one's pretty fucking fan-fic-y and should give you some snickers:

A Cinderella Christmas (the chick from Once Upon A Time In Wonderland with lips that look so fake I hope they’re not real because otherwise bless her heart, Mindy Cohn, and doesn't matter - ION)

There is a get-together they have chosen to call a Chrismasquerade, and technically I don't think I have to say any more. But I will. Fuck, this is amazeballs stupid. Only redeeming thing? The always-delightful Mindy Cohn is in the fairy godmother role, I love her, and she has pinky-purple hair, and I always have/always will adore her sweet face and crinkled eyes smile.

Otherwise....

--> is shite music a pre-requisite for these movies?

--> our lead has *very* distinctive lips and her hair/eyes/lips combo look *nothing* like her cousin (the stepsister sub) even behind the half-face mask, so props to the casting department for whiffing the shit out of that

--> the dude is an incredible, unlikable asshat

--> "A Snow White Christmas" is premiering after this, and it's Sunday, and I'm going to host CASPN instead, but Imma go out on a limb and say it ain't worth your time, either

1/5 stars .

Get ready: shockingly for me, I'm about to give you a pair of 3-star trope-premised movies. I know, I know, unlike me. But these actually pulled it off. The trope?

*takes deep breath*

Pretend to by my boyfriend/girlfriend for my family . (1) A Holiday Engagement (Bonnie Summerville ???, and Jordan Bridges)

It's what you think, but not for terribly flaky reasons - she *was* engaged but the dick broke up with her at Thanksgiving. And in a pleasant change of pace, she doesn't get a friend-who-will-turn-to-more to play the part, she hires an actor. Smart girl. Bridges is another one of those random actors you see off-and-on who elevates everything he is in, and the chick is great, and the family is well cast, and the waiter at the restaurant made me laugh out loud. The whole thing is snappy in pace (lil' bit of filler, but that's par for the course with these movies) and has some snappy dialogue in places, and overall it's not a waste of time, not too shmoopy.

3/5 stars . (2) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

Inventive concept here, though they kinda shit the bed with naming their business something affiliated with Christmas if it's clearly a year-round affair, but okay. What it is: a dating app that's not a dating app, it's purely for folks who need a +1 to specifically business/work social events, but also more formal family and friend events (so, say, Christmas party where it's not just family, or friend party that's not just show up in your jeans and sweaters - the cocktail stuff, is my point). The thing is, no one is pretending to be the boyfriend or girlfriend, it's supposed to be like "And this is Susie/Steve, an associate of mine from ____ business". Nothing romantic, no false pretenses, no lying to others (well... not supposed to wink-wink).

The chick - who runs the biz/came up with it/helped develop it - is needing to take on investors, and one of them is like "Sold! But can I get some firsthand testimonial? Have you yourself tested your product?" and since she's got shit coming up on her agenda, she does. Plus, her mom's on her ass about working so much and not dating since a bad breakup years ago, and it's compounded because baby sister just got engaged. (Mom is bionic woman Lindsay Wagner. She's not really bionic. Google it, youths.)

Dude is in a situation where he's not advancing at work because scuzzy kiss ass co-worker is shmoozing with boss during off hours because boss doesn't invite the single people to brunch or whatever with him and his wife, he's only inviting the ones who he knows has a partner to bring. I know to some of you this may sound absolutely ridiculous but, um, I've experienced this many times. This is not out of the realm. Not even a little bit. I had a gay boss who understood how this happens (likely because he experienced it) and he was wonderful about including everybody. Otherwise, yeah, I been there. I've digressed.

The leads have good chemistry, there was great snark and back-and-forth when they met each other a couple times prior to the set-up ('cause you guessed it: the app paired them with a high %age of compatibility - his sister suggested he do it after he heard about it on the news and he told her of his situation) and they click really well. There's touches of shmoop, of course, but this was an above-average story amongst the typical Christmas dreck, so it makes the rec list at 4/5 stars.

Your rec list is now:

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

(5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

That's all, kiddos! See you next time for the worst of the worst, complete with screencaps. You will *not* be disappointed.

#10

Okay, if I'm gonna get to the fanfic-y-est of all the Christmas movies - and it will easily take up an entire post - we gotta tear through a bunch because the season's almost over and you're not gonna have time to avoid/find these, depending. So we'll hit a high point first (because I've added to the 4-to-5 stars you-should-actually-watch-these rec list), and tear through a bag of mixed nuts, including the third David Haydn-Jones... treat... nah, this third one is the best (?) so far... though, um, that ain't saying much. Woof. Yeesh.

As a reminder - 3/5 means they aren't exactly a waste of time, 2/5 are debatable/up to personal taste, and of course 1/5 means I will never get that time back and I'm that much closer to death because of the movie and what it drained from my soul.

Let's kick off with one that may be my favorite, and got a 5/5 score, update the ol' You Should Definitely Watch This rec list...

Love At The Christmas Table

(Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson, the guy who played Luke on Gilmore Girls, several character actors you'll recognize, and the lead dude is familiar too though his name doesn't ring bells - Lifetime)

Look, from what I can recall, ol' Danica was fine in "Wonder Years", but as I mentioned in a past post, something has happened over the years and girl can't act. It's distractingly bad, because she's typically paired with heavy-hitters (even if they aren't well known). So I'm not sure if it's that she and the lead male really clicked or she really clicked with the director, but it was night and day. This movie is also from 2012, so maybe it's just been tough going acting-wise since then. In any event, don't let any other of my other reviews of her dissuade.

But the script and the direction are both *fantastic*, and I suspect it's partly because the concept was kept nice and basic: A man realizes that his best friend since childhood is the one. Boom. Lots of room to get some good character development and plot progression, and they did, since it's not bogged down with a bunch of extraneous stuff.

There is so much delight packed into the first half hour, you will be grinning. The execution of it is nicely done, too - as we go through the years, each Christmas is prefaced by "Age ___" to let you know how much time has passed, and they look subtly different in appearance and attitude each time. The parents are phenomenal, you're going to enjoy each one of them. The interactions between all parties feel real. And more on feels, this almost feels like a play - it takes place in a house for like, 90% of the movie. But every set is very cozy and crowded with things and/or people (in a good way), and nothing seems like it was perfectly placed, it's how these locations would actually realistically look.

The worst thing I can say about this movie is that I really wish the two leads were other people. They had fantastic friend chemistry, but I tell ya, not a ton of spark when it started bending romantic. And there are plenty of actors who look younger than their age, and maybe that's what this needed, more mature actors who could realistically be shown as teens with some sweet hair/make-up magic. Or, again, could be Danica. I don't know. But she comes across *legions* more relaxed in front of the camera here than in others I've seen her in, so that little bump in road aside (and truly, it's not intolerable - it's noticeable, that possibly poor casting of them, but it's not going to pull you out of the story).

You're going to love the last fifteen minutes, what she does for her dad, how he's walking and talking with his parents when she sees what----- I can't say it. I *genuinely* do not want to spoil this for you. And then the very-very ending is *chef's kiss*.

I want you to watch this movie, especially you who are fans of friends-to-more. Because, I mean, there's a STORY, thank you lord. It's not regurgitated same-ol', same-ol'. This is a really great character-driven piece, and honestly? I wish it had gotten optioned to be on the big screen. I think it could've really been included with other heart-grabbing, fan-favorite romantic Christmas movies.

5/5 stars

The (now newly) updated rec list of well-worth-your-timers:

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark) (5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark) (4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

Christmas At The Palace (Not a person you'll have ever seen or heard of, ever - Hallmark)

I've regrettably watched "Christmas At The Palace" once through completely, and three times caught blocks of it because I basically leave these channels on all day, then when I pass by the remote, I'll flip through the main four giving us "originals" (Hallmark, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries, Lifetime, and the JV team over on ION), and that's that. This one has clearly been on *constantly*. And it sucks. Not one person - I'm not exaggerating - not *one* *person* in this movie can act. If you've ever imagined yourself in a movie or TV show and thought it impossible? Please let this movie give you hope. You can do it. Someone hired these people, they'll hire you.

Gives me hope writing wise, as well. What a septic tank of a script. Check it: once again we find ourselves in a royal circumstance where the prince is widowed or needs to get married because of blah-blah-law-queen -and-king -insist, who cares. This time though, he gets his Christmas boner --- I MEAN --- spirit via a former almost not quite professional ice skater. Seriously, they make a point to say she didn't make the Olympic team and isn't on the pro circuit, she choreographs for this travelling show thing. I mean characters with flaws, sure, but they shit on her in the first fifteen minutes. The whole movie in its entirety is embarrassing to watch. There is minor redemption in the (standard) best friends (one for each of the leads). They are.... tolerable. That's it, I almost said "okay", but I can't because they're so grating in most of their scenes.

And the two main gals? The lead and the best friend? Won't. Quit. Fucking. Smiling. I'm not exaggerating this - they are smiling easily 90% of the time. It is incredibly irritating. And there is zeeeeeeero chemistry between the prince and the ice skater.

Skip it. I can find something that's garbage enjoyable in a So Bad It's Entertaining way, but this one is absolute stank garbage, and they are pimping it like it's the second coming.

1/5 stars

. Christmas In Tennessee (Rachel Boston [again], Andrew Walker, some kid with really jacked teeth, Caroline Rhea, and Patricia Richardson - Lifetime)

Aw, shit. Here we go. After the Graceland one with Kellie Pickler (which you'll not see me report on here because I couldn't sit still long enough to watch it because she can sing, but she sure as shit can't act) my hopes are not high, though they *were* renewed to a great degree with "Every Other Christmas", which if you'll recall is on my rec list for you.

Bakery. Christmas pageant. Real-estate suits coming after the teensy town to build a ski resort. One of them is cute man. She is cute baker. She is also a single mom. And there's a mysterious sweet woman "Mrs. C" who *loves* the cookies - and so did her husband "Kris" [wink-wink]

:: sighs ::

At least nobody's trying and failing to fake a Southern accent, god and small favors and all that.

Listen, all I want is for there to be some originality. That's it. I'm not looking for perfection, I mean, that's subjective, after all. (Well.) Just fucking... I mean, look: don't make her a single mom, to start. Don't make her a baker, second. Keep your ski lodge in small town thing, fine, that's the conflict between them. But hey, what if she's the mayor? Have a Leslie Knope, politics-oriented, civil-service type as the lead character. Somebody who can go toe-to-toe and not have to sugar-sweet-charm her way around shit.

In any event, good acting from the leads, Caroline Rhea and Patricia Richardson are always good in everything, and there's some nice snappy dialogue. It's not too terribly saccharine. Fuck, fine, I'll stick it on the not a waste of time list it unless something goes way haywire. [time passes] Okay. I has a lil' smile on my face. It actually didn't typical too-too hard. The lead actors were great, everything seemed easy and casual between them. Too bad the plot was weak. Still though, didn't leave me feeling it was a total waste of time.

3/5 stars .

~ Let's do an Alicia Witt Trifecta! ~

. Christmas at Cartwright's (Alicia Witt - Hallmark)

"Nicky is a single mother, unemployed and broke at Christmas and desperate to find a job in order to make her young daughter's holiday a happy one. With the aid of an angel, she gets a job as a department store Santa." - It is pure cheese. Alicia Witt should stick with drama, hundred percent, it is astounding how pedestrian her acting skills become when she has to get sweet/touching/emotional in the absence of any heart-grabbing stakes (think Lily Sunder). So anyhow, this is some piss-poor amalgam of Miracle on 34th and It's A Wonderful Life, but I'm giving an extra star because kudos for making the chick the Santa.

2/5 stars . Christmas on Honeysuckle Lane (Alicia Witt, Colin Ferguson, Laura Leighton - Hallmark)

This almost got off the naughty list purely because Colin Ferguson is a fucking delight in everything he's in, he's one of those "elevators" as I call them - Mark Sheppard is another good example - because they elevate anything they're in, however shlocky, and if it's actually good, they help make it even better. This, according to my notes, is "exposition dumps coated in cheese", and it's that ol' chestnut of the saving the family home and oh noes dead parents and big city gal back in town and wow she's gonna stay! You've seen many iterations of this movie, don't bother. The house is fabulous, though, I'd live in it in a hot second.

2/5 stars (and that 2nd star is only for Ferguson - as stated before, Witt should stick to drama vs. awwww stuff)

. A Very Merry Mix-Up (Alicia Witt - Hallmark)

Once again, please welcome Alicia, this time en route to meet her future in-laws as a surprise to announce the engagement (well, and that he's been dating someone at all - he's a work-a-holic who never gets home much - matter of fact, he's stuck finishing up a deal and has to meet her there vs. ride together) and "through a serendipitous series of events" has to ride along with a dude who turns out to be her future bro-in-law, who proceeds to wreck her phone with a drink, and then wreck the car because he's distracted. The MD at the hospital tells them not to sleep for the next 24 hours and that they need constant monitoring.

(Couple things while I have you: The former is an old wives' tale, and as for the latter, if they need constant monitoring, they wouldn't be discharged, they'd be admitted for, you know, monitoring. Jeez this part was so stupid. It was so they could slumber party and bond. Because there was no other way to accomplish bonding than via stupid car wreck and representing med professionals as stupid. ::sighs::)

You know, this would be a great movie if the plot was that she was a con artist. It's not. But wouldn't that be great? And the romance comes in when she has a change of heart because shmoop-shmoop-shmoop first family Christmas she's ever experienced? WHY AM I NOT A SCREENWRITER HOW DO I SUBMIT THINGS TO PEOPLE

Anyway, we find out fiance is scum, and later we see that his family is stiff and cold and miserable and a bit *too* much of a contrast to the other family. There's a cookie baking scene, check. The leads have pretty good chemistry, though. But oh, quelle horror! Name mix-up! Wrong family! Oh noes! Anyway there's a thing with a story about grandparents and a clock that's legit creative and sweet... but at the very end, I don't get why t.f. he didn't put the ring they found on her finger. This movie isn't a complete waste of time, there's just some choices in there that they whiffed that could've made it something special.

3/5 stars

. Hey! Let's do another like that - but oh boy does this one take a turn.

Dashing Through The Snow (Meghan Ory, Andrew Walker)

You'll recognize Walker from the Tennessee movie with Rachel Boston, he's the one with the cheekbones you could cut diamonds on (no seriously, it's just skin on skull, it's mesmerizing) and you know Ory from lots of other stuff. Be warned: she is annoying as all-get-out in this movie, and it's tolerable, but it spikes every now and again into the I Want To Shake You territory.

This one is bugfuck bananas, and I am here for it.

So it's a eye-roll premise, she gets stuck when her flight reservation gets screwed and then there's no rentals so she and this guy who are going in the same direction agree to share a rental.

Here's the thing: she's gonna work your nerves, I'll tell you up front. She's this whimsical perky but anal retentive ball of AAAAHHHHHH!!! SHUT UP!!!! that made me quit watching this movie the first time. I went back to it when it re-ran for one reason, and one reason only, and it is this:

After she makes a fuss at the counter to the attendant at the airport about her reservation being fucked up, when attendant is on the phone, she sneaks through to get to the other side (because, y'know - this is the Get On Plane side, over yonder is the Get Off Plane Side where it's easier to get to rental car vs. walking across the airport), and we learn that attendant wouldn't let her board and lied about the whatever was wrong and is on phone because homeland security or feds or whatever are there because some chick with her same name is an international criminal.

Phew! Out of breath.

Now, you have to overlook the fact of why would an international criminal who knows how to evade authorities all the sudden (a) use her real name and (b) make a fuss/a scene and (c) get herself caught all over cameras so that the authorities now know what she looks like for the first time in years. I'm warning you now. I know. I *know*. It's a piss-poor way of going about this, even though it does get explained in, like, the last 40 minutes and with a "Really?" sort of reasoning. But, interesting and unique plot, so I'll take it. There’s also a wonderfully cute puppy who lights up the screen, totes steals the show.

So, there's a "twist" that I didn't find to be twisty, I called it the moment ___ interact early on, but that's okay, I can let that go, I guess the endings of easily 95% of movies I watch (blessing/curse). But - AGAIN! - interesting and unique plot, so I'll take it. Only reason it didn't make a 3 is how annoying Ory's character is, and how stupidly they portray the FBI, with not listening to their top agent when he says "We're wrong - she had her identity stolen - call off the op." It’s not a “1″ but it may be a “3″ for you, you’ll have to make the call. But for me....

2/5 stars

. Hope at Christmas (The lead chick is familiar, her name is Scottie Thompson - Hallmark)

Single mom! Precocious daughter! Returns home to deal with dead grammy's house! Meet cute in bookstore! Mom not terribly into Christmas because kid will be with her dad! She slowly gets back into it! Plans on going back to big city! Ends up staying! Because lurve!

None of the acting was bad (I mean, the little girl is annoying after awhile), but as noted, the story is the same as most others. You make the call, folks. And you'll be able to, I've caught it airing after my initial viewing no less than four or five times, no joke.

2/5 stars . The Sweetest Christmas (Lacy Chabert - Hallmark)

This is about a gingerbread contest. It is boring as fuck. Skip anything involving Lacey Chabert, trust me, this is the only one I managed to make it all the way through, and believe me when I say it was touch-and-go, I had to make myself in order to give her a fair shake. I've never thought she could act, though, to me her voice is less delicate and more whiny, and besides, she's Poor Man's Jennifer Love Hewitt #sorry not sorry

1/5 stars . Just In Time For Christmas (Doesn't matter, though William Shatner does show up driving a horse-drawn carriage - Lifetime)

Meet Lindsay, a young - too young to be up for tenure, bee-tee-dubs - psychology professor has to choose between a book deal and tenure track at a prestigious university versus accepting the marriage proposal from her longtime, totally adores, really loves him (they are VERY pointed about establishing this) boyfriend. But hey, screenwriters, got a thought, and hear me out: why not both? But I get it, since this movie is from 1975, oh shit sorry, 2015. Yeah, no. Pass.

1/5 stars

. And finally, DHJ. This is gonna be short and sweet, because on the whole, it blew. But I'll tell you when/where you can watch the fourth, since I won't be covering it and it's gonna come on at an ungodly hour and I likely won't watch it. It sounds like ass.

A Bramble House Christmas (David Haydn-Jones, Autumn Reeser - Hallmark)

The premise is he's a children's book illustrator who comes to this little town under the guise of getting inspo for his next book, but really he's supposed to be confronting the nurse's aid to whom his now-deceased (and estranged) father left a shitton of cash, giving her an injunction (to the will) on behalf of himself and his sister.

But then, lurve. :::sigh:::

Understand up front that this is an hour's worth of "movie" that was stretched into 2 hours, man oh MAN did it drag. And there's all the typical: ice skating where one person sucks; cookie baking; tree decorating (with garish, not subtly-done product placement); also tree in the town square that is visited and "oooh"-ed upon; and precocious child with some oh-noes-sick-kid frosting on top. It is dreck. The premise, sure, okay, that's decently original, but the rest of the story is basic bitch in a bow.

At fifteen til quittin' time, it got straight dumb. She rushes off after she finds out the truth - on Christmas Farging Eve - packing up her and the kid and saying they're off to the airport. How? What? You got no ticket, bitch, where the fuck do you think you're going? Ugh. Idiotic.

One thing, though: if you can get to this in a manner that you can skip to about the 45 minute mark, do it. There is a *moment*. The way DHJ can pull an old Hollywood leading man *look* that says "My dear, I want to kiss you, and well" is a sight to behold.

2/5 stars (one of which is automatic, because DHJ elevates everything he’s in) . You can see the fourth DHJ movie - A Cookie Cutter Christmas - on Hallmark at 1 a.m. CST on Saturday the 22nd of December.

One last entry (#11, tomorrow or Sunday) then a #12 all its own for the pièce de résistance. I'm not overselling it. It is deliciously ridiculous.

Candace Cameron Collection check-in: "Switched For Christmas" is absolute nutterbutters. It is ridiculous and it knows it, so it goes full throttle. I am really impressed with her acting, doing the identical twin thing must be a bitch and a half to film, and she pulls it off. The split screens are well done, too, and not just for TV movie, I mean it's good-good. I'm telling you nothing about the plot. It's sugary sweet, you'll get cavities, and it's not my jam but I couldn't turn it off so that means.... something, I don't know. There was no wine involved, I swear. It's on Lifetime.

But nevermind all that: I know I promised the fanfic movie to end all fanfic movies, but I'd forgotten I promised *before* that to talk about the next David Haydn-Jones feature.

So, last night (read: early this morning, and as of this writing so it may not have been last night at the time you read this) when insomnia struck (read: woke me out of a dead sleep to say HEY IT'S 2 A.M. AND SHIT'S KICKING OFF ON HALLMARK), I groggily turned on the TV at about 15 after, and to what my wondering eyes did appear?

Hoo-boy. The look on his face says it all.

Now, as you know, initially DHJ tried to dodge my investigation. It did not work. And I found him trapped between an over-the-cute-line-into-annoying cotton-topped child and Winnie Cooper in "My Christmas Dream" (Hallmark).

And sweet babby jeebus, did he carry this movie.

I like Danica McKellar in real life - not from having met her or something, I mean because she's a giant ol' nerd, she's a mathematical genius, legit (look it up, I can't do everything, I'm shouldering these movies, my brain can't handle it) and she *sparkles* in interviews. Having said that, she's got Claire Novak Syndrome. Put the actress who plays Claire (I can never remember her name, I've no idea why) in front of a camera and it's all dolly dead-eyes, one trick pony angst... and in everything I've seen her in, I've talked about it before, I won't rehash. Danica’s opposite in that she’s ooooooooverdoing everything. I would actually take some flatness. But it’s still Claire Novak syndrome because something fucking happens when the camera starts rolling and it goes unnatural and awkward to watch. Dunno what it’s about. Who cares, not why we’re here.

Anyway, I am only touching on this movie for DHJ purposes, otherwise I wouldn't bother, it’s not worth the time to watch or tell you about, truly. It’s not the worst, but even he seems to be phoning it in for the most part. So. She's a department store exec and he's an artist that's been doing handyman work, they hook up when his *incredibly* annoying child somehow gets to the store on his own to ask if his dad can work there, she gets him home, her car battery's dead, flirting ensues, blah blah biscuits, stir and bake til crispy, and it'll still be sloggy goo in the middle. It's just straight dumb. Don't waste your time. They have negative-integer chemistry, it's pretty embarrassing to watch, honestly.

1 out of 5 stars, and that 1 is all for DHJ.

That was short, let's pop off a couple more:

Marry Me At Christmas (I didn't note the network or the "stars")

Horrid hair gal meets sentient Ken doll-Archie Andrews hybrid whilst planning his sister's wedding on the fly. Small charming town. He's big city, Hollywood, specifically. Yes, it's the prince and the commoner tale but instead of a prince he's a movie star. Cue the blecccchh. As it's called Marry Me At Christmas, they kinda blew their wad in the title, the sister's wedding goes through as planned, so no drama ahead there.

I really can't say enough about how badly they did her hair. She's got super-curly hair naturally, and I'm not a hairdresser and even *I* know the answer isn't Weigh It Down With Product And Hard, Then Don't Even Finger-Comb It, So It Lays Flat Pancake From Scalp To Ear, Then In Creepy Porcelain Doll Spirals To Shoulders. She looks great when she's in a hat and it's an outdoor scene and it gets tousled. But it's distracting the rest of the time, is my point. Oh, then they inexplicably straighten it for the wedding - curly hair can look *gorgeous* in a formal updo. The one time they didn't leave it curly.

Yes, this is the only thing worth discussing in the entire movie. Not even worth the bingo card. 1 out of 5 stars.

Speaking of hair:

Entertaining Christmas (Hallmark) - Jodie Sweetin, Brenden Fehr

Her hair, it's all I can focus on - it's this weird Southern mom bouffy thing when it's not pulled back somehow. Also distracting - and this is a lovely woman, if you've not seen her since she was a child on Full House - are the ill-fitting, unflattering clothing they've put her in. It appears Ms. Sweetin and I share an affliction of the stems, that being... (deep breath) ...hi my name is Nash and I have the legs of a linebacker. It's true. And not a ton of muscle definition, because when I do? Hoo-boy. Heavy-duty linebacker. Best they're left alone.

Point is, if gals like us do skirts, it ain't flattering to go above the knee, it's just not, it wrecks the silhouette and makes our already chunky-monkey legs look even bigger. And dammit if they didn't do it to her, and not even bother to put her in tights. This woman has huge hooters and a tiny waist, they could've had her rocking some crisp black slacks or a pencil skirt that hit mid calf and a snug lil' cashmere sweater and BOOM, you're channeling Mansfield and Monroe. Bonus that she's a natural blonde. But no, let's put her in matronly above-the-knee shapeless polyester-looking dresses. Ugh.

Okay, anyway - this is actually a decently inventive plot: she's the daughter of a Martha Stewart type, and she's "poised to be the new face of the brand" - problem is she suuuuuucks at all the cookie making and knitting and whatever. She's also of the thought that imperfections and unique family traditions are more awesome than the largely unattainable perfect-perfect blah-blah from mommy's magazine. I'll give them this: the mom is awesome and nice and kind and understanding, they were smart not to cliche it up and make her a hardass.

But even though it was a creative plot, it just slogs and is so bleh. If you haven't guessed the ending by that synopsis, I don't know what. It's, um... I mean... it's not great, but may appeal to some, so I didn't put it in the This Is A Horrific Attempt At A Nice Lil' Christmas Movie pile. Take that as you will.

Let us end on a semi-positive note:

Christmas Pen-Pals (Lifetime) - Sarah Drew (who?), character actor you'll recognize immediately (for those of a certain age, it's the dad from Family Ties), other people you'll never have seen before in your life

This should've been called Christmas Cupids because it's about a thing called Christmas Cupids. The people behind these movies are *killing* me.

This one's good, and mainly because the premise is great, it's about secret santa in a potentially match-making way, but hey could also make a good friend. The set-up is that Drew chick is a total brain and she wrote an algorithm for a match-making app but it's so scientific it's boring and as her business partner at said app company put it, it takes away the spark. Which is kinda dumb, because you get the spark when meeting the other person, ain't none of these dating apps giving you in-person spark. Whatever, they're losing users so they need a kick. I missed the part about how she re-worked an electronic app into handwritten letters, but that's neither here-nor-there.

I'm not gonna tell you who she ends up with - you'll guess it nearly immediately, don't worry - but know that even though it's predictable, there's several really sweet and unique moments that I haven't seen in all these other 50,000 carbon-copy Christmas movies. The acting on the part of our leading lady is a little extra, and the other lead is a little flat, and the flow/cadence to the story isn't quiiiiiiite there, but I'm giving it 3/5 stars, so it's not on the rec list, but not a waste of your time.

And just to recap the rec list thus far...

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark) (4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime) (5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

We'll see about doing a rapid-fire round-up next time, and maybe doing The Christmas Fanfic Movie That Out-Fanfics All The Fanfics And The Christmas Movies, but I legit want to watch it all the way through (I only caught the last half) so I can make sure I'm reporting accurately to the three people who are reading these (not bitter don't care doing it anyway).

I'm not overselling this, by the way. I'm not. It is *deliciously* bad.

Okay, as a reminder, the only movies which I've given over 3 stars/would actually recommend you spend your time on (and keeping in mind that a "5" does not mean it's a great movie, it just means it's not overly sad nor overly shmoopy, and doesn't hit a grotesque amount of recycled plots on the bingo card) are: . (4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark) (4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime) (5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark) . Those last two we haven't talked about yet, so I'll cover 'em at the end of this entry - first we're gonna shoot through the ones that aren't a complete waste of time and have recycled shtick, true, but aren't teeth grinding due to the acting or directing or whatnots.

And we're doing this because next update, I'm going to spend the whole thing on where you can find the Whyenne some of you love so dearly, you reblog her every chance you get. It's her. It. Is. HER. Every mannerism, every word, every---- well, I'm spoiling. That's for next time.

Okay, these are all in the 2-to-3 Nash star ballpark...

Dear Secret Santa (Tatyana Ali, Lamorne Morris) --> there's too much singing for padding the runtime --> you may like it more/find it more satisfying than Sandra Bullock/Keanu Reeves "The Lake House", and that's all I'm telling you plot-wise

Kristin's Christmas Past (Shiri Appleby) --> it's exactly what you think it's about by the title --> there's a really cute, snicker-worthy scene near the start with her younger self, and part of it reminds me of the vibe of the rapid-fire convo in Mystery Spot

A Twist of Christmas (Vanessa Lachey, and someone called Brandon Zub - I think - who is delightful) --> A dad and a mom are shopping for their kids and their bags get mixed up and blah-blah-blah ensues because they're opposites in many ways, but I didn't find it terribly grating --> it's an adorable sort-of snarky-sweet

Road To Christmas (Jessy Schram, Chad Michael Murray) --> nice premise, he's a good actor, and she's... well... ::sigh:: --> this chick in everything I've seen her in... she apparently has one gear, and that gear is coked-up mouse that skitters everywhere with her barrel-curled hair vibrating around her head... but in this one, she chills as the movie goes, so it's tolerable

A Christmas to Remember (Mira Sorvino, Cameron Mathison) ---> This aaaaalmost got on the rec list but I can't because the plot is weaksauce "Overboard" (80s movie, Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell, it's hilarious)... -->...but it wasn't the worst, because these two are such good actors, they sell it, and it's sweet, and keeps good pace, so there ya go

Okay, to the goods - next time we'll talk about the ass disasters - and one specifically that I 100% guarantee the fluff fans amongst us will love, despite my ripping it a new one. Which I'm going to do. Because of all these I've watched, the one we'll talk about legit flabbergasted me on many levels.

A Very Nutty Christmas

I am slightly biased because Melissa is a friend of a friend (sister-in-law, specifically) and she is good people, a hard worker, and a smart (heh) cookie. She knows what roles she nails (sharp wit, no shmoop, strong chicks), so that's what projects she and her mother choose (they produce most everything Melissa's in), she stays in her lane, is my point, so if you agree with that assessment, then you're good to go, this is classic Melissa Joan Hart fare.

She's a baker, but not some "Waahhh this is hard" sort, and there's no competition, it's nothing but what you'd expect - lotsa cookie orders at Christmastime, but again, she's not super-duper stressed, she’s got the appropriate level of “let’s go, people!”. Now, here's the cheese that I don't want to chase you away: her decorative Nutcracker comes to life (Barry Watson) and helps her out.

I know, I knoooow. And listen, at the first scene with him, you're gonna think that Barry'll be working your nerves through the rest - I sure as shit did - but stick with it, he ends up being very charming. You may actually be wooed. The character is completely sincere in all he does and says, and you’re happy to see her have this sort of person in her life, because she puts a lot on herself, and boy is that totally relatable.

Other good stuff is you'll recognize all the secondary characters (their actors, I mean), with the exception of the ex boyfriend, but he's well cast, he doesn't play the smarmy too heavily. There's also a good song behind the (standard) montage for once, and smart smart smart is their limited usage of Tchaikovsky outside of the blip of the ballet that we see. And kudos for that, too, limiting the ballet's role in the movie.

The whole thing is tied up with a very satisfying ending. It's fluff done right....

The Christmas Ornament

....and here's angst done right.

This isn’t about an ornament being magical or something how you might think from the title, I promise. It’s significant, but not in some otherworldly way. The situation(s) are absolutely plausible, it’s a believable story, and there’s not all this exposition that explains the characters’ backgrounds, it all unfolds organically, and you’re honest-to-god rooting for them, no matter if the story has them together at the end or not - you’re gonna find yourself saying “I’m okay with this happening for them either way, whether they stay friends or if it evolves.” On that note, kudos to the writer: Cameron’s character is very empathetic and doesn’t push Kellie’s character, not even once - he pushes her to get “out there” and interact with people and be social more than she has been, yes, but in a good friend sort of way (and Jewel’s character is doing the same - it’s in the “we care about you” way).

And this movie looks *fantastic*. The cinematographer and editor gave it big-deal-theater-movie-level treatment, no kidding. Some beautiful shots, especially some lingering ones at the ice rink. Bless the music supervisors, too - no shitty distracting music, and no one (if memory serves) sang for an extended period of time, if at all (I really don’t think anyone sang). Jewel Staite is a treasure, and for once the side-friend was actually necessary to the story, she was well-used.

I also liked it because Kellie’s character is self-assured in many ways, fragile in some ways - in other words, she’s real and she’s relatable. I took issue with one teensy thing, I didn’t track with how it was she was the one to apologize for a misunderstanding, because she actually wasn’t far off base; what she thought made sense for (1) how he’d behaved toward her, and (2) what she’d seen, and (3) what she knew because of what he’d told her prior. In any event, that’s the only real “flaw” (and it could just be a Nash thing) that I saw. This one’s well worth your time.

This entry’s about “Dear Santa” (Lifetime), part of the David Haydn-Jones quadrangle Christmas tangle. The plot sounds decent - cheese, but decent. I love Amy Acker, and I love DHJ, this should be a cakewalk.

[15 mins.in] Oh. Oh, my.

Yeah, I'm busting out the Cheesy Christmas Movie Bingo Card, it'll be at the end. Let's see if we can get a win. At a minimum, I think we're gonna be checking a lotta boxes.

Other than our leads, we have poor man's Sean Hayes as gay best friend (h/t @butiaintgonnaloveem) on the scene, and he's outfitted in hot pink chef gear - AT THE SOUP KITCHEN - so that everybody's clear he's a card-carrying member of The Gay.

Shitty acoustic guitar riffs, cool.

Precocious child plays the flute... and shittily.

There's a homeless man whose shtick is that he won't come inside, never a roof over his head again, and I wanna know (do I?) where he's taking his dumps.

Related, the music continues to be shitty, and I mean toilet-clogging.

Ice skating "lesson", check.

Holy fucknoodles, two grown women are in a food fight. I do not get why Dollar Store Justine Bateman (the snippy girlfriend, the one that is so off-putting it is beyond the realm of possibility that this kindhearted and jovial man is even remotely interested in her despite knowing each other a long time) is so vitriolic, as she's known Amy Acker about five minutes.

THIS MUSIC

Christmas wish, check.

The green screen effect behind rich mommy checking in from the Caribbean is such ass, I am shocked. You Tubers have better green screens. How do you fuck up a green screen? You're a goddamn cable channel whose focus is movies. TV local news manages to do it with weatherpeople multiple times a day.

Acker and Jones save this dreck. The kid ain't half-bad, either. But they are the types of actors that everything out of their mouths just flows so naturally, even when the plot is ass. I love this Angel-SPN match-up.

JEEBUS HAROLD CRICKET he just said that they are *five* *figures* *deep* in back rent on the soup kitchen and - I quote - "I guess the bank's out of good will". DO YOU THINK?!

"I thought little girls loved to play the flute" is a line that was just uttered, and bless DHJ for actually getting it past his lips.

I forgot to mention, Acker's displayed some guilt a couple times now because earlier, there was a meet-cute (okay, apparently a near-run-over) incident with a mail carrier, a letter flew out, and - I *must* quote @butiaintgonnaloveem here again - then "instead of giving it back, she commits mail fraud and opens it."

Now, the guilt is because it's the lil' tyke's letter to Santa, asking him for a new mommy (dead parent/spouse, check) and she's also feeling guilt over tracking them down (why? boredom? sure, that's gotta be the reason, because to remedy the letter situation, you glue that shit shut and stick it in a mailbox, it's just going to an incinerator at the mail station anyway), but it's this misplaced Christmas wish that perplexes me. It's not like she nicked a bill or a wedding invitation or something that's actually important.

I'M A GRINCH

Oh he owns a snowplow business? That name again is Mr. Plow (Simpson's song ref, google Mr. Plow, I'm sure it's somewhere). And it's the song I wish I was hearing, this music is eardrum-thumping. It is a slobbery wet willy. It is *achingly* bad.

He just stared longingly at her and licked his lips, FML.

Now Acker's acting like a snotface. I don't dig it. I'd be cool with her being sharp and not taking the shit from Justine but being classy about it, they've got her being balls-out bitchy.

Why is it taking so long for the wealthy girl to be like HERE IS CASH MONEY FOR YOUR SOUP KITCHEN YOU BEAUTIFUL CREATURE DAVID HAYDN-JONES --- like I get your charge cards or whatever are snipped, but go sell some jewelry or clothes from last season and shit.

She had the letter in her clutch? She's carrying it around with her? Why? WHY?!? I hate stupid writing. I hate it. Worse is that it's lazy. HATE. Why was it in her purse? Because someone needed to find it. And there was no other possible way to accomplish that, than having one of your leads be an absolute fuckwit, right? GRRRRRRRRRRR that stuff just works my nerves.

The confrontation scene is good. Neither are over the top.

Well how's about that? Her Christmas present check will cover the soup kitchen's debt!

Enough with the shitty guitar riffs, it's like I'm watching an SPN ep, and, no, that's not a compliment.

The longest montage for padding runtime is happening, and with another shitty song (but a tolerable one, despite the singer faking a lot of catches in her voice - I would know, I have a natural catch in my singing voice that I had to fight like a mofo for about six years in choir, but I've digressed, just tuck that nugget into your Nash file), showing Acker moping and DHJ sighing, then him running by the soup kitchen to sit in his snow plow and angst, and then....

....oh lookee there! She did the thing. Sean Hayes - in a sheer v-neck inexplicably over a long-sleeved cotton shirt like I'm presently wearing because it's what I lounge/sleep in, with a Coach neckerchief to top it all off (on god, I cannot make this up) - is now sassing DHJ, saying the letter thing was fate. And I mean... yeah, it was, right? Whatever, if DHJ was single and I had the chance, I'd be happenstancing my way near him as much as (and smoothly as, natch) possible.

I CAN BE SMOOTH SHUT UP

Smooches near the town tree square or whatever it is. And now we're back, and now the homeless dude has agreed to come inside, and we still have absolutely zero idea why he doesn't like being inside, and they have (checks time) less than 2 minutes to resolve it. *see below*

Nope. That's it. That's how it ends. The homeless man came inside. Because that was the primary arc.

No. It wasn't.

It should end with us seeing him come in, sure (I'll ignore the boom of Chekov's Gun firing in the background), but we end NOT with the moment between DHJ and random homeless dude - which, again, let me be clear is *exactly* what happened - but rather with him coming in and all the rest of the homeless comrades and staff and Acker and Jones greeting them, then we see our two main characters and the kid sitting down like a family, pull back, we see them through the window in which Christmas tree lights are reflecting, pull back further, it starts to snow, cut to credits.

Imma give this one 3 stars outta 5. It wasn't a total ass disaster, but it wasn't that great. It was okay. The Bingo card concurs, as it didn't get filled up, but it got damn close to being a 2/5 (in my mind, every bingo = a point off because it means it’s so unoriginal a damn bingo card could’ve written it):

Addendum:

Butiaint reports that "the homeless guy wouldn't go inside because the last building he walked into was a casino and he lost 'every last penny', so he could never 'just step inside ever again'," to which I, very calmly, replied --->

I'll do an addendum.... that still doesn't... I don't.... what? That's.... why not just say he can't make himself sit down for a homecooked meal because it causes him too much pain because his family died in a car wreck going out Christmas shopping and a dinner/meal was his last memory of them? It didn't need to tie into the money thing with her, that thread was fine on its own.... goddamnit I hate stupid writing

Back to quick round-ups and arbitrary ratings of a bunch of movies in the next one, once I get my notepad transcribed.

For some reason, this whole entry morphed into a recap of "Holiday High School Reunion" with Rachel Boston (Lifetime). You'll recognize this gal, she's been in others for Lifetime, and I personally recognized her for the pretty damn entertaining, sadly short-lived Witches of EastwickEnd series. It was a fan-frikkin'-tastic cast of awesome women, they made any sloggy scripts watchable. I digress.

I immediately empathized with this character because not even a quarter of the way into the movie she's (a) dreading her high school reunion, and (b) hates social media because she doesn't wanna have to justify/be asked about/etc. her life, as she's not where she wants to be. I personally would add onto that the distinct apathy regarding the details of everyone's life. It's either veneered in fabulous or dipped in drama-filled Debbie Downer. Blecchhh. I've digressed again.

There's been a brief funny daydream - if they do more, I'm in, it was pretty cute. And there's been a brilliant piece of screenwriting in this movie, and I want to share it for my writer buddies because it was a *pristine* show-don't-tell.

(Let me say here real fast, to paint you a picture, that she's dressed casually - hoodie, and I think lounge-y pants or maybe pajama pants, or maybe just jeans, can't recall - because it's clearly way past end of workday, and the character I'm about to talk about is in a crisp white button-down and tie and suit slacks.)

Her father arrives to find her on a porch that's covered in strings of Christmas lights wound around the poles/pillars/whatever you call them of the railings, and around the trimwork of the house, and they're these great pops of vivid colors in the night, first of all. So we're seeing her standing there, smiling and happy to see him, and what's in the foreground is a series of bulbs along the window or door frame, and one of the bulbs is out.

Instead of truly greeting his daughter, first thing he does as they barely start chatting, and while she's speaking, is saunter over right into frame, blocking our shot of her, and give that bulb a twist til it lights.

My immediate thoughts: He's a dick. He likes everything just so. He enjoys perfection. He's not interested in effort, just execution. He zeroes in on faults. He actively ignores/doesn't care about the fact that his daughter is happy to see him. He doesn't consider her important enough to receive his attention first and foremost. He's a supreme dick. And he's gonna make her feel like shit for where she is in life, which is her biggest insecurity, which he should know, because that's how good dads operate. But he's not a good dad. Not at all. And I bet he's about to donkey punch her feels.

All that from a twist of a bulb.

And I was right: he proceeded to make her feel like shit by being snotty about her job and comparing her to his golf buddy's daughter. Then she still managed to sit back down at her laptop and focus on what she was doing and smile a genuine smile, and now I like her and feel for her even more. No one would have blamed her if she cried, or snapped at him, or slammed her laptop closed and had an Angst Attack, and those would be writing choices too. But the choice is for her to make the best of things.

We also know this because it is reinforced with another good show-don't-tell via actions (versus her announcing it ad nauseam or other people saying it ad nauseam), when red punch gets spilled on her white dress at the reunion and the snobs are like "Ohmigawd!" and gasping, she goes "Well I think it looks kinda cool!" She does snag a cardigan because she's aware it's an eyesore, so yeah, she's lying to herself. It's clearly a survival mechanism, her childhood must've been a dream with a father like she's got (rolls eyes).

And the lie(s) she tells is to avoid the drama of not living up to the "Most Likely To Succeed" superlative, and even then it's a relatively minor lie, she's not making herself super-duper fabulous because she doesn't feel super-duper presently. She's cheerful without being obnoxiously Pollyanna, and her dynamic with her best friend (you'll recognize him, too, he's the dude who dated Regina George and who Cady had a crush on in "Mean Girls") is phenomenal, they have great chemistry and I'll be honest, I see where this is going and I've got some faith in these screenwriter(s) that they'll actually pull it off smoothly.

There's been a dance/song routine and it is horrific and I hate it. I hate it hard. It's stupid and lasts too long and is purely for padding the runtime. But. It had a good point, albeit one that could’ve accomplished in less time. The three queen bees who were her fake friends in high school, and are her fake friends now, all remember this routine to a pristine degree, and of course we see our girl whiff it the more it goes on, she knocks over a prop, turns this way when she should've turned that way, and I feel her - high school is utterly forgettable.

I’m about to digress, so skip the indent if it doesn’t apply to you - anyone reading this who is currently a senior?

Enjoy it, it's your last year, enjoy being kings of the hill. I liked my senior year for several reasons but the biggest one was that I was getting the hell out of there. I was liked, I was decently popular and I made good grades and was in honors choir, but I wasn't top-tier popular or the head cheerleader or the valedictorian or homecoming queen or always having a boyfriend, none of that, and what I was? That stuff I just listed?

None of it matters. I've not been to any reunions, because I don't care to reminisce. Not that it was horrible or something, it was... *shrugs*. I'm still friendly with the people I went to high school with, ended up going to college with a couple of 'em, matter of fact, and I like who we are as adults tenfold vs. who we were in high school. Because as grown-up as you feel? You're a child. You're all children. I was a child. We were all children (even the couple of gals who, um, had children/were preggers before all was said and done and diplomas hit hands). We were. It just is.

So I assure you: the people who still wistfully think about high school, the ones who "peaked" in high school? There's something mentally still childlike about them, and I don't have the time nor the inclination to deal with man/woman-babies. I'm a grown-up. So believe me when I say that life is about to open up like a motherfucker. And if you did happen to peak in high school? Leave that behind, too. Resting on childhood laurels won't serve you well, because other than some of those accolades getting you into college? Nobody - and I mean nobody - in grown-up world cares about that shit.

Oh christ another song. And a daydream (pseudo-flashback? hard to say, I was getting a snack). But again, more reinforcement of how high school doesn't matter to her but super-matters to others, in this case how she (former head cheerleader) didn't place give much memory real estate to how she'd broken off things with high school boyfriend (former quarterback), but it's like the first thing he asks about as soon as they're alone.

"Wow well... that was a long time ago," she says, starting to think back, then ultimately says - "I thought you were cheating on me."

He totally was, I don't even need to see a flashback, hundred percent, he's scum. Whoa shit, speaking of - another flashback whilst kissing him, but whoa shit part two, it went to a fun, happy memory with best friend. Not subtle, this movie - of course she'll end up with him.

The divas are now in the bathroom gossiping about her and don't know she's in there. Again, the not caring, this time more blatant - "She ruined the routine!" - "It's like she doesn't even care" - "Can't believe she broke up with him on prom night" - "He deserves better".

One of these bitches was the one he was cheating with, no doubt. They also talk about how one of them called around, found out her job wasn't what she passed it off as, that she's a wardrobe assistant vs. a right-hand-(wo)man to this swank designer. The Queen Bitch calls her "nobody", and the minor bitches are saying how they're her best friends and wondering why she wouldn't tell them the truth. Hey, cheerleaders: Gimme a D! Gimme an E! Gimme an L! ....fuck, this is gonna take too long.... Gimme a USIONAL! What does that spell? DELUSIONAL! *pom shakes* *high kick* *herkie* *round-off-back-handspring*

Oh lord why is she doing a weird impromptu cheer routine.... best friend jumped in to support and encourage and some people seemed to get into it but... the fuck? These screenwriter(s) are either on point or left field, jeebus.

Speaking of field, she and best friend are out lying on the football field, and they're talking fun memories - as in, the only ones that are vivid in her mind are the ones involving him, and vice-versa. I will give them this: the flashbacks are cute and short and don't derail the momentum. They're really well done. The songs are the whiff.

Now the queen bees are discussing their next routine. THE !!FINAL ROUTINE!!! AND SHE HAD A SOLO! (Why the shit are they performing routines at their reunion? I've heard tale of slide shows and videos and stuff like that, but fucking stage shows? Damn I hope that punch is spiked.) One of the minor bitches - the sweet ditzy one - is weeping loudly when Queen Bitch says our gal's officially out of their glee club. But she says "glee club", as in... they're the only 4 members? No other members are in attendance at the reunion? Looks like it was a big-ass graduating class. ???? Got me.

Our gal's mom - who is MARILU HENNER DID I MENTION THAT and has been woefully underused thus far - has overheard. Commercial break. I need a Mountain Dew.

We're back. Marilu is completely opposite of Dick Dad. Now we're in a random B story where one of the bitches is flirting hard with the principal.... and the mic's hot. But she ain't embarrassed, says she'll meet him wherever someplace at midnight. Oh and I forgot that best friend's not-really girlfriend flew out to join him as a surprise and he'd been like "Wha..." and she serves no purpose. Even now, when she gasps and squeals excitedly "Oh you're in love with her!" She ain't mad, and good, because nobody cares. And she's all pumped because she's made lots of friends with these people she'd never seen before in her life.

Fucknoodles the !!!FINAL ROUTINE!!! is bad. Now the solo. Our girl's taken the stage and Queen Bee didn't put up a fight, just stormed off. And here we go: she's making a speech about how she's not yet lived up to the Most Likely To Succeed, but their votes meant a lot to her, and she's not giving up. It's good shit.

And then they start chanting her name (it's Georgia, btw).

And then she starts her O Holy Night solo.

*sigh*

This movie is well-written but there's *so* much unneeded padding to the runtime. And she's on key and there's nothing wrong with her voice but it's nothing special. So what? Lots of people can sing in tune. I don't get it.

Flashback. Yeah, totes cheating, and he admits it - which, if she remembers, then that contradicts the earlier conversation when he denies it... huh? - and now she's in the gym, where she's bummed about the breakup. Best friend rescues, gets her up and dances with her for the last dance.

Have I mentioned that everyone looks identically the same? And we're supposed to be ten years out? Seriously. Hair and everything. Except for - and I don't know why - the bitch trio. (Dear Wardrobe and make-up departments: WHAT.)

So yeah yeah yeah, they share the last dance at the reunion because the whole thing was a fucking talent show-prom do-over (reunions are just not like that, y'all, I know I haven't been to one but my mother has - helped plan one, matter of fact - and they aren't Prom Part Deux, nor are there glee club and cheerleading routines, nor are they scheduled around major holidays. Dear Writers: ALSO WHAT.)

Ending is rushed and is stupid. Holy shit, they whiffed it. They actually ended on the totally unneeded B plot of the prinicpal seduction (which, by the way, consisted of a whopping 2 scenes... possibly 3, clearly it made no impact). This is the stupidest thing, they ended on such a bad note it leaves an icky taste in my mouth for this movie.

This one gets 2.5 stars out of 5. It had 3.5 for most of it, and then when we hit that first routine at the reunion, man did the points start coming off. This was classic fanfic: a ridiculous premise, sure, there’s things you have to overlook out of the gate (like, say, how nobody sane would plan a farging high school reunion at Christmas, at least not if they wanted actual attendance) but the execution’s great for the first half and then something happens and brains melt and it swerves into oncoming traffic and gets hit by The Trope Bus. ::sigh:: Ah, well.

Ermahgerd, "Christmas Shoes" is coming on *warning lights flash* * dives for remote, goes to safety of Hallmark Movies and Mysteries immediately *

Next entry: part one of the David Haydn-Jones Christmas movie trifecta. Finally caught one. It stars the chick that played Winnie Cooper. And holy jumping Jiminy Cricket, was it bad.

Candace Cameron will star in any movie that’s Christmas themed and I am determined to watch all of them. She’s typically cursed with a snoozeville co-lead. The Alaskan doctor one isn’t bad. The executive who’s there to examine the lodge one is absolutely snore-worthy. The one about the saving dad’s business with nutcrackers one is pretty okay. I am actively avoiding the newest one about magic shoes. Christmas shoes never ends well.

Double feature with someone I vaguely recognize as being from a CW show in the early aughts, but clearly not one I actually watched, or I’d remember. Anyway, broad strokes: one is from a couple years ago, she’s a single mom and there’s this locket with a nautical star on it that’s literally, um, locked, and..... it’s not brought up again til the end. You’ll know the movie because you’ll think to yourself “This doesn’t know what it wants to be” - is it about the locket and how it was a gift from her mother and she lost it and it was somehow pivotal to discovering who her birth father was? Or is it about the custody battle with the asshole ex-husband and her losing her job and being evicted? Or is it about the meet-cute then “crossed wires” recurrent situations with the shop owner’s grandson? I have no idea. But there’s precocious kids and a bakery. It had potential, and that actress is good and so was the co-lead, but script = hot mess.

Second one is about a poinsettia farm and stars Bo Duke/Jonathan Kent, depending on your generation. She’s from the big city and she’s a-comin’ home to save the family business! I assume she meets someone at a bakery, I wasn’t pulled in at all, my remote finger got real twitchy, but when I flipped back toward the end, surprise! She’s a-stickin’ around, she’ll run the family business, don’t sell the farm, screw her life at the other place with the things!

I actually have another recommend: “Operation Christmas”

Solid script, and hella fine acting by one Ms. Tricia Helfer. I have loved her since Battlestar Gallactica, SPN fans will know her as the lady ghost on the road who doesn’t know she’s dead. That chick. Killa actress. You wanna talk about a good crier on camera? Top tier, here. My cold, black, shriveled heart actually giddy-up’d and I possibly got misty when she bursts into tears in this movie. Also stars Marc Blucas, who Buffy fans will remember as Riley, and I like him, too.

There are precocious kids, and this coulda gone cheaply exploitative with the military angle, but it sticks the landing with only minor wobbles, it hits heartwarming vs. cheese. There’s an odd fixation on singing in the back half (several characters singing solo at various points), and it’s awkward to watch (and hear, because of the distinct shift your ears will detect between the “on set” and the “in recording studio” audio) because with the exception of one, when they blend it into a professional singer whilst slipping into a wee montage of Christmas tree delivering - or unloading, I can’t recall, who cares - the songs go on Way. Too. Long.

Except.

What they did during the talent show during the Silent Night number? That sing-a-long? Now, that I wish had been a little longer. A+ job, screenwriter(s). The very-very end was saccharine, but it was short, and that’s what counts because I realize you were trapped, this is Hallmark Christmas movie we’re talking, you had to do it, you’d been steady through the rest of the script, they wanted their shmoop, no one blames you.

Something called “The Sound of Christmas” has just come on, and there was so much exposition dump in the *first* *three* *minutes* that the titular sound is actually gonna be the click of my remote control. Oh lord looks like the lead male is poor man’s Ray Liotta who’s a high-powered blah-blah-blah. And seems it’s precocious child: petulant teen edition. I’m out.

David Haydn-Jones continues to elude.

Pattern detected: Plot--->

The conflict must be saving family business/home from certain doom

Business = service industry (store, bakery, gardening/plants/farm, lodge/hotel)

Female protagonist supes busy with her stuff and such in the big city; has to leave; returns; likely plans to stay forever

Precocious child, standard

Execution--->

One lead must be a notably better actor than other; neither may be on-point overall; if both are something, that something is teeth-grinding to watch and/or listen to

Exposition with (admittedly) necessary facts must come early on, and in dialogue dumps, preferably just one big fatty, and preferably between two people who already know this information vs. to someone who is not privy to this information

Character introduction/pertinent background must not trickle out organically over the first act via showing their actions and other characters' reactions; just throw in with that plot exposition dump

A big gun was pulled out last night - Patti LaBelle was briefly in one, watched some of it, was glad to see an original plot (mostly; see above, re: female protag mold) but then I thought better of it, googled, and yup, based on a book. Ah, we meet again, Not Original Story. This morning, tangentially related, something-something-rich-dude-reg-chick, and they were named Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet #fml #gag #stay away #get Austen out of your mouths

Presently playing is one whose plot sounds suspiciously like The Parent Trap: Christmas Edition, Nashville Style. Sort-of, I mean, we start there, then I'm not clear on where they drive to, but it's still Southern, and props to the filmmakers for not going nuts on the snow, someone actually did some research. I will also compliment them for only letting the folks who have some form of natural Southern accent/Southern cadence use it, the rest speaking in standard North American accents.

Now, two things: I love the Lohan version of P.T., a lot a lot a lot, and I'll hear nothing bad about it. Secondly, I'm going to refrain from commenting on shite Southern accents in movies in general, this one and elsewhere, such as in the Kellie Pickler Graceland-set Christmas one that aired yesterday that I could only tolerate in five minute increments as I flipped back and forth to Law & Order SVU frequently for palate cleanses #Mariska sorbet

But it got off to a good start, the opening credits were creative and unique, and I recognize the lead actors. Kids don't seem terribly precocious. Hmmm.

I shall give it a chance.

[time passes; returns to draft]

It's not Parent Trap, summary was garbage, it's not about the precocious kids, and no one has a high-powered career, no one is filthy rich, and both lead actors are really great. The chick is Sissy Spacek's daughter, I've seen her in other stuff before, have always liked her, I think she's talented. I recognize the lead dude from something I've seen before, too, he's a bit of poor man's Paul Rudd, but good. There's a somewhat difficult grandma, but she's not unlikable, you kind of get where she's coming from, and it's because it's Dee Goddamn Wallace, the queen of playing mothers (youngsters, google her, you'll likely recognize her, leave out the goddamn when you do).

The background music isn't overly country-fied nor syrupy-shmoopy twinkle-bells. The dialogue is actually decent and delivered believably by all parties. The kids aren't annoying. The side characters are just that, left to the side, there's no best friend/sister taking up screen time. The leads have an easy, natural chemistry. Holy fucknoodles, I might recommend this one to you. I'm actually watching this one. I'm legit watching it.

[time passes; returns to draft]

What I said above continued, then there was horse-riding and acoustic guitar and even a classic car. The chick wasn't the one leaving to go back to what-the-hell-ever. Nobody was pining for anybody, and the conflict at play was completely realistic. Okay, yeah. Recommend. Hundred percent. This is the angst-turns-to-love with a dash of domestic life AU fic many folks keep trying to write and not quite getting there (Hi, I'm Nash, and I'm supes blunt when I'm under-the-weather), then your bonus that it's set at Christmastime.

The exposition on backstory was done pretty dang smoothly, but better was that we weren't told who these characters are/were, we were shown. *And zero flashbacks* There's several great, snappy, shot-across-the-bow lines. There's a religious element that is pitch-perfect and appropriate and not overbearing. The ending song is a smidge too long, didn't need to hear the whole thing, but it's kept simple and the lyrics are sweet without being cheese, so I'll give it that. Pacing overall is a little wobbly, they probs could've trimmed a good ten-to-twelve minutes of runtime, and there's a side character who blips on the scene that was poorly cast as his lack of prowess sludges up the vibe (charismatic, he ain't, maybe he's somebody's spouse *ahem*), but this one's pretty solid, y'all.

It's called "Every Other Christmas", starring Schuyler Fisk, on Lifetime Movie Network - it just premiered the other night, apparently, so with rebroadcasts you should have plenty of opportunity to catch it.

Okay, back to the shmaltz.

My dearest:

[cue old-timey, slightly depressing instrumental courtesy of rickety fiddles; narration by Ken Burns]

Exposition anvils continue to drop from the sky with abandon, though I’ve not succumbed to my injuries, have no fear.

Alicia Witt was lovely in something about a novelist who was rejected by both successful novelist boyfriend and publisher, but then meets very successful other novelist who is hiding the fact that he is such. I only caught the last quarter. Disappointed in lack of fanfic about novelists. I tire of writing “novelist”.

Our regiment (myself, General Pup, and Lieutenant Pup) is currently surrounded by a tale of a stewardess who has gotten entangled with a dude whose daughter she was in charge of because unaccompanied minor on flight. Dude is the lead from “That Thing You Do”, he was the next Tom Hanks before Colin Hanks got old enough to fill that role. I am saddened this dude has not gotten mucho awards. None of this matters.

I am more of the sads that the flufferfic-ers have not stalked and mauled and chewed on the carcass of the premise of Whyenne being a flight attendant who captures Dean’s heart when she captures his vomit during a flight to wherever to do something. Or, scratch that; she magically cures him of his fears with her enchanted hoo-hah, because that’s how phobias work. And assuming there’s plot, the hunt for the whatever can take place on the plane, like that Harrison Ford movie or that Jodie Foster movie or that Kurt Russell movie. It would have to be a big-ass plane. They could still bang in the bathroom, even though there’s plenty of places to go.

I have no more plot to give, I am exhausted and according to the thing, you know, the thingy that tells what’s on next, there’s no restorative Candace Cameron in the near future. I may have to settle for one of the Duff sisters.

David Haydn-Jones remains elusive.

General Pup is barking orders. I must end here. Ever yours - Nash. #send vodka

[Transferred 2nd post]

Report from the front line:

There’s been a Denise Richards bakery-related jam. Also a Lacey Chabert - who is a baker - jam. The first had a Christmas cookie contest, the latter a gingerbread competition. Not to be confused. Something with people I’ve never seen before in my life just started, about a big CEO and a bakery. Candace Cameron was in another one, and though it’s bakery-free, those are all starting to blend together.

Send rations.

[Transferred 1st post]

I have felt like garbage and been homebound for two days, and then today (oh blessed event, and I am dead serious, I love it) the onslaught of Fanfic Movie Time has begun, a.k.a. Totes Ridiculous Christmas Situation Lurve-Conflict-Lurve Movie Season on Lifetime/Hallmark/that other network I can never remember the name of, and due to foggy brain I got sucked in. There was a king and ice skating, something about Louisiana with JDM’s wife where everybody’s hair looked horrendous, and then another one with Candace Cameron in Alaska. It was great. Legit. I haven’t laughed as hard. It helped me cough up disease. #bless you Candace

#Nash Watches and Rates #Cheesy Winter Movies #so you don't have to #Cheesy Movie Talk #Not SPN #though sometimes #SPN Tangentially #Back to our #regularly scheduled #programming shortly #Queueby Dooby Doo #Dad's on a blog post and #he hasn't been queued in a few days

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