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dzpenumbra · 1 year

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4/23/23

I had another sleep-like-crap night, then sleep-in-the-comfy-chair day. It was because of a dream this time. I don't really remember it fully. I woke up in a scene where I was at this really unique bakery, it was so intensely vivid. It was very home-like, with white walls and lots of dark high contrast decor and food. It was a unique, cool cafe kinda place, it reminded me of a place in... either Boston or Portland, ME, I don't remember... that was a cupcake bar or something, like all they had was cupcakes and you just go and eat, and the whole place was like... part of a renovated house. It was cool.

In this dream, I was with my mom. And it was uncomfortable. And I had to like... explain to her how my cat had died. Like she didn't know. It was really upsetting, enough to wake me up after 5 hours of sleep and have me not want to dream journal it, or go back to sleep.

I was on social media for a while, Instagram this time. But the ads completely counteracted the palate-cleanse it was intended for. That's the biggest problem with social media for me - I can curate follows and subreddits and all that the best I can... and still... every 5th thing on my feed is going to be some paid placement that is either political, predatory, or obnoxious. It is extremely rare for it to be anything other than those three categories. Today, it was an onslaught of ads targeting "get a fucking job", "employment in your state", "government jobs with no work experience required", "how to make money writing copy for tech companies", "buy this program to make money as an artist! Get billions of followers today!" And, to top it off, ads for at-home psychedelic therapy (I have no fucking clue how this is legal or remotely ethical...), and more targeted apps and supplements for ADHD. In short - give up on your career, get on drugs.

I go there to look at cool art, and watch skate clips. And I get bombarded by "get a job" and "you're mentally ill". And it wears me down so much that I... I stay on the fucking site to try to keep scrolling to even out the feeling. To get more positive input than upsetting shit. But some days its just a losing battle.

Since my whole day was off, I planned to only get groceries and work on animation today. And I got the grocery list together and everything, went to checkout, then the delivery time options were all for tomorrow. It was already like... 8-8:30... The whole fucking day disappeared. I just tunnel-visioned on shit and got lost in my head, and missed the window. That shit frustrates me.

Days that sound like today? Super common for me. A massive downside to not having anyone in your life to like... break you out of your focus.

So... I'm gonna do groceries tomorrow. I made really dank quesadillas. I did a lot of animation and... finished the animation. I think. I'm pretty happy with it. And finishing that means... all that's left is an outro with my info on it, if I want to do that.

I'm tempted to redo the hiking footage. The footage I took in the trails right in the middle of the city? They have graffiti all over the trees. I didn't even notice when I was out there. And that's a huge faux-pas in all subcultures of society. That's just gross. You don't tag nature, you don't tag living things. It's so weird, it looks post-apocalyptic. And I don't like it in my video. Because I'm on the VO saying like... "I love nature, I always have, being in nature has been a huge part of my life..." and on the screen is a first person shot walking down a trail and there's an oak tree with some indecipherable black spraypaint scrawling on it that looks right out of Dawn of the Dead or some shit. Ugh.

So... I need to plan a trip to go to the National Forest and see some real nature again. I'm so goddamn overdue. I should just pick a day and reserve the car for it, as though I were making plans with someone else. Or making an appointment or something. Maybe that would help me pull the trigger on it. I think I'll bring the GoPro to get better footage too, the footage my phone took was absolute dogshit for some reason.

So yeah, that was basically my whole day. Wish I was exaggerating, it was like... the entire day. Sleep. Distraction. Sleep. Yoga. Distraction. Groceries. Cook. Eat. Work. Play Risk of Rain 2. Journal.

I might as well write about this too. Since it's 4:30 AM already anyway, it's not like I'm resetting my sleep schedule tonight. (How many thousands of times have I said that sentence...) I have been reflecting on the shit with my therapist. And why I was like... chomping at the bit to get that email to him. I get like that a lot. I get frantic, I write pages, I devote my entire self to like... trying to put out that fire. Here's the mechanism the best I can observe right now.

So... I've said the past few days that it's like a rock thrown into a pond, and then all the emotional ripples hit me. In the form of invasive thoughts and feelings. Just waves of them, varying degrees of intensity. And I can try to distract, or try to suppress, or try to let go... all with varying degrees of success. But it will come back. It always does. Because it's important.

These invasive things, they are very rarely... little things. They are usually incredibly important. Like... my deepest fears, my biggest struggles, my pains and nightmares, my trauma. They are big and they are unresolved.

And I... I kinda came to a conclusion I've come to several times before today. In those moments, I'm afraid I might have trouble distinguishing between importance and urgency. Because I... don't have structure. Like... I think this is so goddamn foreign to other people because their lives are so different than mine that they just... they can't relate to me at all.

Like... on my list of priorities today - work, groceries, shower, try to make time for myself... Where does "resolve the nagging conflict that happened with your therapist that they probably don't even know is eating you alive" fall on that list? How many days do I sit with that tapping on my shoulder every 2 hours... "hey, this dude thinks you're nuts because you got scared about leg pains when you live a sedentary lifestyle and have gotten a blood clot before."

I mean... it's an inner conflict, right? He probably has no clue it's still bothering me 3 days later. And that it's been haunting my dreams. All because of a 10 minute panic moment... that I actually overcame... that I dealt with... kinda in a crude way, but effectively. Like... it didn't bother me that night, it didn't bother me the next day. I brought it up because of how acute the reaction was. How powerful it was. It was facing death, it was... fucking jarring. But it didn't leave a lasting emotional scar, it didn't leave ripples. But this fucking did.

Because the context I put it in? I said I wish I had someone to call when I was scared like that. I just don't want to be alone in it, that's a life-goal of mine. I wish I could just talk to someone and go "hey, I'm kinda freaking out a bit... because like... an ER tried to take my leg off for something that felt a lot like this... and I don't know if this is really a dangerous situation or not? So... could you help me make sense of what I'm seeing?" Like... a friend, or a girlfriend. To just... see what they would do. Which I picture as a super normal thing, something I've had in my life before, and something I plan on having again. And he responded by like... urging me away from that expectation, and pushing me towards... crisis lines... and mentioning outpatient programs and shit? And I'm just like... yo, dude... Are you legit telling me this isn't a common problem?

You're going to tell me, in the age of Covid, that people not being sure if they're having serious medical symptoms and wanting to get a second opinion from a friend on whether they think they should call a doctor, because they don't want to waste valuable medical resources on a false alarm... is uncommon. Is a symptom of delusion or something? Like... really?!

That set off a lot of shit. Because that whole... defaulting to me being crazy and delusional? That's my family. That's where the dreams came from. And that's the haunting ripples I keep feeling. And as fucked up as the supremely intense facing death feeling was? I'd do it again in a heartbeat to make the "you're crazy and no one will ever be there to help reassure you when you're scared, if you want comfort you talk to a psychiatric nurse" bullshit stop. In a heartbeat.

So I get in this chaotic whirlpool of urgency. Because I just want these nasty narratives to leave me alone. The invasive thoughts, the memories, the... ghosts of the past... the way people think of me... the way people thought of me... The life I'm allowed to have. And all the nightmare memories attached to it. I just want them to stop. I want them to leave me alone. Because have 1 hour of talk with this dude, then 168 hours left alone with my thoughts until the next opportunity to even attempt to make sense of it. And these thoughts leave me alone, when they are at peace. When they are resolved.

So, yesterday, I just wanted him to understand how big of a problem it was for me that he jumped right into crisis mode. And treated this like it was... someone having a mental break or something. It really fucked with me. And still is. It made me feel unstable, and it made me feel like he... felt I needed to be institutionalized or some shit. It really upset me. I hate feeling like that so much. And I starkly disagree, I have been doing so much better considering the struggles I'm facing. I really thought I was on a good path, and things were on the upswing. However... this guy was a crisis counselor for over 5 years straight... I need to remember that. His response might have been force of habit.

So yeah, back to importance vs urgency. I do struggle with that when it comes to conflict resolution... because my analytic brain obsesses over interpersonal and psychological problems (you're literally witnessing it go full-tilt right now at almost 5AM, this process right here is what I'm talking about...) and treats them like puzzles to solve... and is constantly working on them. So when the thought/emotion ripples, the reminders, come back for their hourly visit... my analytic mind is ready to drop everything and just figure out the solution to this. So that I don't have to carry it anymore. And that is important, but is it... urgent? That's where I am now. And it's a really tough call.

For people who are adept at self-distraction? Important is not urgent. For people who repress, or avoid, or run... important is not urgent. But my conscience will pop up more notifications in my head than fucking Doordash trying to get me to use their damn app again. Like every damn hour. "Hey! It's important! Remember?!" DING. And I'll hit snooze until I can afford the time and resources to resolve it to my survival instincts' satisfaction. This affects my ability to focus, this affects my ability to get shit around the house done. But most importantly - this affects sleep.

You know the phrase - "How can you sleep at night?" Usually has to do with... guilt, right? Conscience-based stuff? Guilt, regret, shame, remorse, shit like that? Wishing you had done different, or done more? And I get that shit while I'm awake, constantly. So... my remedy to not be perpetually haunted by that, or perpetually in conflict with my inner self (which makes me physically ill when I am...) I... put in the extra work to work with my conscience. And try to find a solution. Like... right here, right now.

But when that involves closure with another person? Who doesn't have time for that resolution or closure? That's when I think it needs to shift from urgent to important. With interpersonal conflict, especially with those who have very busy lives. I need to learn how to shift things from urgent to important, to deal with my conscience's deep frustration about that, to cope with its impatience and interruption. And that's a skill... I am very clumsy with. Because I lack experience. I lack social experience. Because in my life, if something is important? I'm doing that. Not scheduling it for next month. And that's something I need to work on socially. And I am, and I'm getting better at it. I just... don't get a lot of opportunity to practice.

So yeah... I'm learning with this that... the page and a half I wrote for my therapist? That's information he needs to gather himself. And I need to just self-soothe, not do the learning of what really sets off my trauma shit for him. That's his job.

I went on tons of tangents here, I have no idea if it made sense, I'm still trying to figure out this really... fickle concept of importance vs. urgency. When things can wait and when they're like... "get this shit out of the way now."

I'll tell you this much, if I have ADHD... that inner invasive thought voice? That's the impulse-control issue component. That's the impatient, won't sit in his seat, bundle of emotions, driven by a motor part of me. 100%.

Welp... here's hoping for good dreams tonight, so I can get a full-night's rest. Good vibes to end this on? The animation I made? I started from scratch today and just did simple handdrawn animations in blender, and it actually came out pretty cool. Very barebones, but it got the job done better than I was envisioning. The project is taking shape, which is really nice. And soon... I'll be able to allow myself to move on to other projects... Soon... XD Any day now...

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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2manyfandoms2count · 3 years

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Miraculous ask game: 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 19, 21, 22, 24, 27, 28, 29, 31, 33, 35, 36, 37, and 60.

Thanks for the ask Eugene!

7. Would you rather being attacked by Ladywifi or The Bubbler?

Hmm, probably the Bubbler, as long as Ladybug and Chat Noir are around! Just imagine chilling in your bubble above Paris... You'd probably have a better view than at the top of the Eiffel Tower, for free!

8. If you could have any miraculous, which one would it be?

Probably the horse Miraculous! It would be super handy

9. What’s your favorite ship?

The love square!

10. What’s your sinful ship?

I don't really read nsfw works, so I'll pretend that this is about a guilty pleasure ship: I think that's Lukloé for me!

11. What’s your favorite love square ship?

Adrienette is my standard answer to this, just because when the love square collapses, they'll be the two remaining points <3 I can't put them in order otherwise

12. Who is your favorite background character?

Mr Banana. I desperately want to know more about him, I find him hilarious.

19. What character would you like to see get a Miraculous?

Sabine! I think it would be really interesting to see 👀

21. Reflekta, The puppeteer, Volpina and Dark Cupid; one is fighting by your side, the rest of them are trying to kill you, who would you choose as ally?

Dark cupid: if the others are trying to kill me, then them being hit would mean they love me, right? 😌

22. What MLB character do you have a crush on?

Adrien (I feel like all the guys I've ever had a crush on were like him - sweet, smart and funny)

24. Marry, kiss and kill: Rena Rouge, Carapace, or Queen Bee?

Marry Carapace, kiss Rena, kill Queen Bee (sorry Chloé)

27. Lucky Charm or Cataclysm?

Cataclysm : it's a lot more versatile

28. What’s your favorite scene?

Any of the umbrella scenes ❤

29. What’s your favorite episode?

Partycrasher! It's such a fun episode (it's been a while since I've watched it, mainly because Holiday camp/Maison de vacances is a real earworm)

31. What’s your favorite akumatized villain?

Tough call, probably Evillustrator?... His powers were neat

33. What’s your favorite Kwami?

Plagg (a cat without the allergy downsides)

35. Favorite Miraculous transformation sequence?

Mayura's is pretty cool honestly (I still wonder what becomes of her glasses... One of the biggest ML mysteries imo)

36. Would You Rather be in Hawk Moth’s lair for a day or have to listen to Cat Noir constantly use cat puns towards you for a whole day?

This makes it sound like Chat Noir's cat puns are a bad thing 👀 I'd love to hang out with him for a day! (Although if I get a comfy seat and a big popcorn bag, l'll gladly hang out in HM's lair and laugh at him all day)

37. How do you feel about Lukanette?

I don't seek out fics/art about them and I don't ship them in the long run, but I do enjoy their dynamic and generally like the Lukanette content that ends up on my dash!

60. Which character do you relate to the most?

10000% Marinette. It's painful how much she reminds me of myself when I was her age (and even now), on the crush front (I rewatched Stormy weather recently and OH BOY, when Alya tells her to go talk to him is almost word for word a conversation I've had with one of my best friends), on the taking on plenty of projects front, on the overthinking front...

Send me an ML ask! :)

#sorry it took so long i started and then got distracted #the questions like the favourite akuma or transformation got me sidetracked haha #miraculous ladybug #miraculous ask game #elle answers #sakura-soldier

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fungeonmaster-frisk-blog · 5 years

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Each network will ask

Each network will ask you to fill out a brief bit of biographical information — list your interests, and try to sound fun — and then check a box or pull down a menu saying that you're 18 or above. You'll need to submit some sort of identification proving your age, but with standards low, laws international, and documents scanned, forging such a thing is a cinch, making underage cam girls a real problem.Mila Milan is as close as camming gets to producing a celebrity: a renaissance woman boasting ownership of a private resort in Thailand (below), a Porsche, an industrial design firm, nine cats, eight dogs, an impending book deal, a small child, and what she says was "one of the biggest tips ever in cam history — 260,000 tokens, which meant $US13,000 for me.But I have all these questions about camming. Why is camming so popular? Is camming the future of porn? Do people prefer it mostly because it’s so much more personal?"What can a member do to me? If he crosses a line or even if he is rude to me, I just click the mouse and stop it. And I can talk to the administrator on the website and they ban the IP address, so the guy can never enter again even if he changes his nickname. I mean, those people are thousands of miles away from me. They don't touch you - nobody touches you. You go online alone and you work online alone. This has nothing to do with prostitution.

There are still big ticket European customers these days, men who Anna is reluctant to call "addicted", but "spend more time... you need to entertain those people who are going to stay for hours and hours in your room, even if they finished what they came for — they want to get to know you. Either way, camming keeps Anna in comfy sweatpants and Fanta.A lot of their clients are really freaking mean for no reason. The downside to raking in that sweet cash is that a lot of people can be really mean for no reason. She says a lot of guys can't even sit there and watch her without saying mean things to her, and many of them don't tip either. Granted, that happens in minimum-wage jobs too, but I'm guessing what guys say to her is probably way worse than what people say to fast-food employees. Heidi sells her underwear for $100 and has performed sex acts on other girls for her followers.Since the dawn of streaming, the porn industry has been suffering financially. As people have started watching and uploading porn on tube sites for free, the days of big-budget porn and making a lot of money as a porn star are fading away. At the same time, though, streaming has also spawned a supplement to the porn industry that cant be replicated: camming.

Not all models work from a studio. Sandy Bell - a graduate with two university degrees - is one of a small army of women who webcam from home. She makes about 100 euros (£90) a day when she goes online to supplement her income as an interior designer. One advantage of being independent - and dealing directly with a web-hosting company - is that she earns a larger percentage of members' fees."I teach them about fetishes - what a fetish is, why a person has one… We study Freud and a lot of psychology. And we study a book of gestures because women must be sensual, smart and beautiful.Is Sandy Bell a victim? She says she is not, though feminists such as Irina Ilisei say the question is more complicated than it seems.No, this isn't what they want to do forever. Granted, there might be some cam models who want to do this for life, but she says that's not the case for her. She finished her degree while being a cam girl and was also accepted into grad school. Camming helped her pay her bills so she didn't need to take out a loan, but she says "I realise [sic] I wont be in my twenties forever. I'll need to work a 'real' job. And I will :) Wearing clothes. CONTINUED BELOW...

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