#they're just like. me yelling into the void. or smth | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the-hoziest-archive · 2 years

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sorry but the way people talk about the what are you catholic which is hilarious yes but in the clickbaity sense Religious Trauma Isn't Just About Sex!

in the way my family will talk about food and work ethic like being lazy? the Sloth crime? as if we have evolved to work the 40-hour work week which leaves you with the choice of 1. socialise 2. take care of basic needs and 3. sleep. u can only choose 1 or 2. u will always choose wrong. u will always be either unhappy or unhealthy. WE ARE MEANT TO LAY AROUND WARMING ON A ROCK UNDER THE SUN! what's with calling me lazy bc ignoring the special brain syndrome™ of perpetual boredom. i don't wanna be on the move all the time wtf. and if im not on the move enough that's also bad!!!!!!

❗❗❗cw EATING/FOOD/DIETS/ED ❗❗❗

the way WE'RE SUPPOSED TO ENJOY THE FOOD WE EAT. eating food gives you dopamine. you needed the dopamine to feed yourself to survive. this is evolution 101. and then i hear shit like living to eat (instead of eating to live) and they're not talking about the Binge eating (or otherwise overeating ED) it's literally making a meal because it's delicious and being happy to eat the delicious meal. apparently that's only ok for a quarterly family gathering feast. what the fuck kind of ass backwards logic.

the other thing I've been thinking about like jealousy and adultery and lust that are. all. directly. contributing. to the way we're living by the Strict Society Rules and it's not just homophobia but the way that those rejected for not fitting in within the cishet norm went and said why we doing the nuclear family monogamy shit anyway bc you cant tell me it wasn't born out of the inherently isolating experience of trying to be queer in peace when it means risking your life and wellbeing. so what is the Controversial queerplatonic/polyam/non-monogamous but the very basic human need of community, belonging, love, while giving yourselves the opportunity to take care of the other basic human needs of food, physical safety, shelter, sex, and play, all animal instincts yes, and conversation, physical affection, free spirituality, opportunity to create, emotional safety.

yeah. i said that. in one of many rambly unfinisheed posts in my drafts,

what. its like there are rules for human beings that were not created by a human being. im sure im onto smth here 👀🤭

and when i started writing the sentence i wasn’t thinking of religion it was freestyling in the confession booth type of thing, but by the end im like. huh. okay. that makes sense.

and not to be all charlie kelly pepe silva about it, but.

jokes aside its not the “god from the heavens” or whatever but the ‘weaponising religion to control the masses’ bc what do you get from this other than the “man and woman marry and have 10 children and then they all work on the fields all day and eat the bare essentials to survive and taxman gets rich”

idk about region-specific history so no one @ me about the medieval peasant myth or whatever!!!! im throwing darts with my eyes closed and wrapping glittery yarn between the landing points until things kinda make sense!!! im yelling into the void i dont need APA references

#emma.txt #yes i do have a religious agenda and its that #religion is the abusive family ur born into #faith and spirituality are the found family you choose #sorry if my controversial opinions upset people but i am once again fucking angry!

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casualbluebirdmentality · 1 year

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this post is literally just me ranting about my own gender experience/questioning as an afab person.

(despite all the cws and tws, it's really not that overwhelmingly negative-- moreso just yelling my confusion into the void lol. i'm just really paranoid abt accidentally ruining someone's day by not tagging smth, hence the literal max 30 tags.)

you can read it if you want but if not,, understandable lol. either way, enjoy this picture of a quokka that i got by googling "cute animal":

...ok.

figuring out ur gender as an afab person is so weird, cuz it's like:

am I uncomfortable w my tits (always have been) for Gender Reasons, or is it the societal conditioning that they're sex objects/will make ME be viewed as a sex object if they're "too noticeable"?

is the visceral discomfort that I've always had (literally since childhood) at even the THOUGHT of having a period a Gender Thing, or is it the societal taboo that makes it impossible to speak/think about it?

do I like the idea of being perceived as masc for Gender Reasons, or bc I know it will make people take me more seriously and make me less of a target for abuse/harassment?

do I feel like a boy in disguise/an imposter when surrounded by other women/in female spaces bc I actually am more masc in my actual gender, or because gender roles and their "boyish interests/presentation" and "girly interests/presentation" have been so ingrained in me that it feels like if I don't match up with That Exact Image of being a very femme woman, then clearly I'm just not a woman at all? (/s for that last phrase)

(A more specific/personalized addendum to that last one: I've got a sister and we both did a lot of performing arts stuff VERY frequently growing up, especially as a duo, and whenever the roles were a boy and girl (which wasn't most of the time but still happened fairly regularly), I'd always be the boy bc she was more femme than me & always wanted to be the girl, whereas i didn't really care-- so like, was that because I'm inherently more comfortable as a more masc person? Or did I just not care either way at the time cuz I was a damn kid just having fun playing a role, and now from years and years and YEARS of doing that I've just conditioned myself into thinking of myself as "the guy one" when paired with a woman/surrounded by women??????)

And THEN for me personally, you throw in the fact that both Nate/ND Stevenson (creator of the first show that ever made me feel Seen as a queer person, to the extent that it broke my brain a little) and Elliot Page (right after/while playing his Umbrella Academy character, who was the only "female" character I've EVER felt I could truly relate to in such a full, overwhelming extent for some reason I couldn't name, and whom my friends at the time literally said "had big [my name] energy," without having been told anything about my feelings at all) BOTH came out as transmasc. So it's like,, am i transmasc? All Signs Point To Yes, pretty much. And I distinctly prefer when my tits are squished firmly against my chest, which sounds a whole hell of a lot like chest dysphoria.

...Except that when I got a binder to try it out, threw a hoodie on over it, and looked in the mirror, it was just like,, weird. And a minute or so later when I caught my reflection in the mirror out the corner of my eye without thinking and my brain automatically perceived my chest as like, FLAT flat for the first time, it pretty much shouted "WRONG WRONG WRONG" and started clanging pots and pans until I took it off.

But, irl my nickname is a typically "male" short-hand (as in, someone reading it would assume it's a guy 99.9999% of the time) of my (feminine) name, and I much prefer it. So like I guess I'm just generically nonbinary... but I also really don't want to say that I'm not a woman? But that reluctance could just be reluctance at relinquishing what makes me "valuable" in society's eyes, or in accepting that I've "failed" to be what I was "supposed" to be. Or in losing my ability to "speak authentically" about things like sexism, even though I Know Full Well that that's not how that works, like, at all. So it's just... ????????????????????

The only thing I have been able to figure out is that I definitely want to be more buff and athletic, and definitely make my body at least a little more masc in that regard. So like, Buff Sword Lady definitely, at least. (I do quite enjoy swords. A lot.) So maybe I just want to be butch?

But I don't look like that yet, and it's so hard to figure this kind of thing out without actually being able to physically see yourself that way, without being able to actually feel it first-hand and compare. So I'm just, like, here, a fantasy writer doing muscle work-outs alone in my room every day, hoping that micro-dosing on jock culture will help me finally feel Right lmao.

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