#this probably counts as trauma dumping. I'm doing the exact thing I do not want to do rn. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

baka-writings · 3 years

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𝘈 𝘋𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘖𝘯𝘦 - 𝘒𝘪𝘮 𝘠𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘣𝘪𝘯 & 𝘓𝘦𝘦 𝘚𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘩𝘺𝘶𝘬 (𝘚𝘍9)

Warnings: angst, smut (not a threesome), probably car sex, fuckboy!Dawon, language, unprotected sex (reader is on birth control), mentions of past trauma which includes triggering themes such as harassment etc; If this is something that might trigger you, please don't read this as it will be slightly detailed

Summary: There was something going on between you and Dawon, you weren't dating but weren't fwb either. You had a crush on him despite his fuckboyish lifestyle, because before when you talked he himself said he liked you, so you thought it will be okay. But it wasn't. What will happen?

Word count: around 4k (rip)

This gonna be very long honestly, so prepare yourself. Also this is written in a huge time interval so please read everything, because it might not make sense If you skip something. It's starting in the past and continues until present day. Also² I was not naming the members, they were always "your friends" and "your brother" because I let you choose who your brother is so I didn't want it to be weird

Thank you for reading🖤

𝙇𝙚𝙚 𝙎𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙝𝙮𝙪𝙠;

Many see him as that handsome, funny and talented guy. All of that is true, but what they don't know and don't see is the fact that he can have and he in fact has every girl who wants him. It always pissed you off, because you had a huge crush on him, but yeah you're not the only one as you can see. Sometimes you thought about how lucky those girls were, but on the other hand you pitied them. You shouldn't be worrying about such things though, it's not like he'd ever feel the same way as you feel about him. Not with these girls around anyway.

His friends knew how you felt about him and they felt sorry for you. Not the pitiful sorry, but the sad one, because they knew your feelings were genuine, but they will never be returned; not from Sanghyuk. Your brother (choose which member you want as your bro, except Dawon and Youngbin) always joked that you can have one of his friends who were your friends as well, but that's not the same. You can't just throw the crush on someone away in seconds. However, the sight of him fucking every bitch that passed him hurt you everytime. You were living like this for five months and nothing has changed since then. Well you knew your brother was right, there was a certain someone with a crush on you so by time you could develop a relationship, but it's not that simple. You're not like Sanghyuk. You can't just "love" one person today and another one the next day. You wouldn't be able to even If you tried. Not gonna lie all of this was getting to you. No sleep, lot's of anxiety and stress. Your brother and his friends started to notice that, but you always shut the off so they didn't bother you. Throughout the time you hung out with them, even Sanghyuk joined sometimes, which always lowkey made you happier, because he actually talked you nicely, hugged you, was close to you as If he wasn't fucking that girl he came home with last night. Why was he so affectionate all of a sudden? Honestly you knew something was off and you weren't that naïve to actually think he'd like you or that he'd actually date you and ditch his bitches. You were long over it.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Week by week after those few times he hung out with you, Sanghyuk was having less and less girls around himself, that made you suspicious. You didn't want to ask him about it, it's none of your business anymore, okay honestly it never was your business plus you were starting to slowly fall out of your whole crush thing. But there must've been something wrong with Sanghyuk. He casually talked to you whenever you dropped by, actually sometimes replied to you in a group chat the 10 of you have. Before he always ignored it or just replied with an emoji. Is this a prank? That's the only thing that came to your mind. There was no way he was being nice to you just because he wanted to. You told one of your friend's what was happening and all they told you was 'you should be happy'. But should you really? This was not making you happy, suspicious and intrigued yes, but not happy.

You continued to play his little game for weeks. You got a bit closer to each other and in that period of time you haven't seen him with any other girl. You could maybe give him a chance no? You asked him what happened and how come he wasn't doing whatever he was doing before. His reply was simple, only a 'because I like you now so I'm not touching any other girl'

He liked you.. at that time. You asked him about the 'now', because to you it sounded like 'I want to fuck and dump YOU now that's why I'm nice' But even If so, you couldn't believe he was not around any other girls? What If he really liked you?

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Your relationship has been going on & off for about 2 months. It was weird, because you were close, but not dating neither fucking. Even your friends and your brother actually believed that he is finally normal and that you guys would be probably dating anytime soon. However to be super honest, surprisingly it wasn't him who didn't want to date, it was you. There was still some kinda of tension from your side towards him, even If it's not that visible. You just couldn't really 'submit' to him...for personal reason he didn't know about. No one knew, not even your brother.

Some time has passed and Sanghyuk was starting to be a bit more impatient and became touchy and demanding with you. Of course you didn't like it. Now it was all getting to you, he wanted you now as he said before, which meant the exact same thing you thought before. But you didn't want it and he didn't understand. You said no everytime he tried something. It was all getting really uncomfortable, because he didn't care at all. You were just another one of his fuck toys.

You didn't know whether to cry or yell at him. You fell for his charms again and he let you down..again.

That one day you finished earlier at school/work and your brother and friends had a week off so you thought to visit them in their dorm without announcing yourself. You were greeted with a hug from your brother, however he seemed a bit... stressed? When you asked him about it, he said it was nothing so you brushed it off. As you walked inside, you were greeted by some of your friends as well, some hugging you, some just waving. You were talking about your days, schedules, weather, anything that came to your mind. Which also reminded you of a certain someone. Although your relationship was getting worse after what he did, you still low-key cared? Yes dumb.

But when you asked them where Sanghyuk was, they all got nervous and avoided the question. You wanted to call them out, but right at that time he was walking with not one, but two girls who obviously weren't his "friends" at all. Oh so he was at it again.

Everyone could see how your expression changed. He was just standing there, laughing with those bitches as If you weren't there at all.

"This is what "liking" me looks like? I thought...well I hoped you'd actually stop with all of this" you were looking straight into his soul.

"You hoped for what again? You didn't even let me touch you, how could you even expect me to keep liking you" he replied with no regret, not even after he realized your brother was literally in the same room. They all stood shocked and angry.

"You know shit about me, I knew you were an asshole, but I didn't know this much" you told him.

"Yet you still 'loved' me. If you'd let me take you, one of these would be you" he motioned at his hoes, disgusting you.

"You know what, fuck off all 3 of you" you stormed out as fast as you could, letting your tears fall.

••••••••••••••••Present Time••••••••••••••••

Now you're alone, sitting on the beach during s peaceful looking evening/night. You don't know when you got there, but it was so quiet there. All you could hear were your sobs. Right when you stormed out of the dorm, your legs took you the furthest they could. Now you knew you could let it all go and cry until you couldn't anymore, because you were alone, which was bad but also good at the same time.

Your phone was buzzing like crazy, probably messages from your brother, you though. You didn't want him to worry so you checked all messages which mostly said "where are you" and "are you okay?" . No you weren't okay, not at all.

It buzzed another time, but this time it was not your brother. It was a message from Youngbin. Great. You had nothing against Youngbin, but didn't want to talk to anyone, but you checked the message anyway. Maybe because you had that soft spot for Youngbin? He had a crush on you, which was known to you, but he never said or tried anything, because he respected you and knew you liked Sanghyuk.

The message said:

Where are you? I'm going to pick you up

You were hesitant to reply, but told him where you were. After some time you saw someone walking over to you, since it was dark you couldn't recognise who it was, only when they got closer you recognized the person - Youngbin.

He say beside you, silently scared to speak up.

"I'm sorry" he said quietly.

"What for? " you didn't look at him. You didn't want him to see your puffy eyes. But he knew anyway.

"For everything that happened" he said in a rather quiet voice.

"It's not your fault.." right, it wasn't his fault, he only felt sorry for you..

"But you don't deserve what he did" you laughed at his response. It wasn't meant to be rude, but you couldn't help yourself.

"Maybe I do" Youngbin took a breathe and wanted to say something, but you continued

*TW ahead*

"All of my relationships were the same" you still haven't looked at him

"Was cool at first, but then?" you giggled again

Youngbin was looking at you, waiting for you to continue what you wanted to say.

"...then I became their sex toy only. They thought they can touch me and make me do things anytime" he still listened hatefully.

" And the word no?"

" It was like an invitation for them. I could've screamed and begged them to stop, but no use. No one could hear me" Youngbin was looking at you with wide eyes, not daring to say anything.

“It would be a lot easier If it happened once... but it was two times in two different relationships” you continued

“So I asked myself, what’s wrong with me that it had to happen so often” you were tearing up now, so was Youngbin, but he decided to speak up.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, trust me”

“Then why did it happen?” you raised your voice and looked him in the eyes. He didn’t know what to reply, your situation wasn’t easy and he was scared he’d hurt you. Oh If you just knew how he loved you.

All of this was making him mad. How can someone hurt you? He’d never imagine hurting you, both physically and mentally. His blood was boiling as you continued.

“At that time it was so hard for me and honestly I wanted to end it all, but I stayed strong” Youngbin got closer to you and hugged you carefully. You let him.

“So when Sanghyuk touched me it all came back and I realized he viewed me as one of his many girls as well”

Youngbin spoke up “Does your brother know about all of this?” You shook your head no.

“He knows them, what do you think he’d do?” You looked at Youngbin.

“Most likely murder them” he half asked half said.

„That’s right plus he is busy with his own things“ You replied

Youngbin was still hugging you which strangely calmed you down. Affection usually made you jumpy or scared for obvious reasons, but Youngbin’s hug was so soothing. You let your head fall on his shoulder as you sighed.

„I just don’t understan why does this always happen to me. I just want to be loved“ you sighed again. Youngbin was a bit hesistant, but spoke up

„I can show you real love“ he knew it sounded a bit better in his head and by the look on your face he was scared that he messed up.

You raised an eyebrow. Since you knew he had a crush on you it didn’t really surprise you, but the timing was kinda wrong.

„Oh? Please be more specific, I don’t want to end up like before“ your face was too close to his.

„I mean...you probably know since your brother can’t shut up, but I really love you and I’d never hurt you“ you looked away not knowing what to say.

„That’s what all of them said and look“ what you said sounded a bit harsh, but he understood very well. It’s not easy to trust someone after all you’ve been through.

„I understand and respect whatever your reply is, just wanted to let you know“

The word ‚respect‘ was stuck in your head. Is actually someone really ready to respect you? Deep down you knew what he’s saying is true. Youngbin is that person who’d indeed respect you.

You looked at him, worry in his eyes visible.

„I’m sorry I shouldn’t have-“ you cut him off with a kiss. He was caught off guard obviously and fell on his back, your upper body on his.This is crazy and you know that. Honestly If it was someone else you’d not have done that, but you knew how he felt about you. And never stopped liking you despite your obvious interest in Sanghyuk. Maybe Youngbin was the person who deep down kept you from completely sumbitting to Sanghyuk?

When you stopped kissing, you’d expect yourself so sit up, away from laying on Youngbin, but you did the opposite. Youngbin was looking at you lovingly, but still worried. You kissed him again, more passionately this time, showing him you really trust him. He of course kissed back, to deepen the kiss he brought you closer to him.

He pulled away giving you one of his smiles.

„I’m sorry to break this moment, but we’ll get sick If we keep laying there“ you nodded when you realized you were still on the beach late at night. You got up, cleaning yourself of sand as well as Youngbin did the same.

„Tell me your car is close“ Youngbin chuckled at your comment.

„Lucky for you, your car is right here“ he pointed at himself. You raised an eyebrow, it sounded way too dirty, but you stayed quiet since you didn’t want to ruin the mood.

„What? You don’t want a ride?“ he smiled innocently. Your eyebrow was still raised.

„I’ll gladly ride you then“ his eyes darkened after your reply. Well Kim Youngbin I can play too.

„Careful what you wish for“ he pointed out. You smiled at him innocently as you jumped on his back for a ‚ride‘.

He was carrying you all the way to where his car was. Throughout the so called ride you were hugging him tightly.

When you reached his car, he let you stand and wait until he unlocked it so you could climb inside.

„But I don’t want to go back there“ you looked at him with sad eyes.

„I know, don’t worry we’ll go somewhere else“ he smiled. You took a ride throught the city and stopped near plain field and hills? It was too dark for you to indetify where you were, but everything was better than going back to dorms and see Sanghyuk’s asshole face. Youngbin found a nice place where to park and from where you can actually see the night city. You stayed in the car as it was cold outside and what would be the point of leaving your previous place, because it was cold just to get to another place and go outside, right?

You were sitting in silence, but it was a peaceful silence.

„Thank you“ you spoke up and smiled at him.

„What for?“ he smiled back.

„For respecting me and letting me trust you“ he was touched by your kind words and wanted to show you how much he respected and loved you.

„Show me how much you love me“ You almost choked on what you just said. It wasn’t meant to be said out loud.

„Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you“ you nodded. A confirmation was enough for him to continue. His eyes changed from worried and unsure to loving. He leaned in to kiss you. You climbed over to him and sat on his lap, never breaking the kiss. Youngbin’s hands were carefully traveling all over your body. His kisses were passionate and deep. You’ve never felt such kisses before, before all your kisses were forced as well as everything you were about to do with Youngbin. You’ve never felt real love in any aspect, you were ready and wanted to experience it at least once.

You broke the kiss, stared into his eyes and kissing him again. At this point no words were needed. Your hands sneaked under his hoodie and shirt, feeling his toned body. Youngbin’s hands were under you shirt too. His hands were almost everywhere they could reach. You moaned into the kiss which made him turned on, you could tell how hard he got under you.

You couldn't help but grind yourself on his lap, earning a moan from him. His hands rested on your hips, guiding them as you were still moving them over his covered member.

"We should move this to the back" he said between kisses. You got off him and move yourself on the backseat as there was more place. After climbing over himself, he attacked your lips again so did his hands your body. You moaned into the kiss, earning a smirk from Youngbin. His lips traveled all the way to your neck and collarbone, leaving marks everywhere his lips touched you. You bucked up your hips to meet his sadly still clothed dick. This time it was his time to moan.

“Please it’s too cold for this, just take me” you half pouted half moaned. Youngbin’s smirk grew wider signalling to you that he understands. He stripped you off your pants and panties in one motion. When you wanted to do the same to him, he grabbed your wrists and pinned them over your head.

He chuckled "Next time sweetheart" While pinning your hands with one hand, he stripped himself with the same motion he did to you. It was impressive honestly how he managed to do all that with one hand. Youngbin kissed you while he entered you slowly, letting you adjust to him. The sudden friction made you moan into the kiss and Youngbin was loving it.

His hips started to move, thrusts slow but deep hitting all the right spots. You were still restricted from moving, but wanted to be as close to him as possible. If it was even possible to be honest. Your legs sneaked around his waist, keeping his hips where they should be.

His both kisses and thrust were becoming sloppier, even his hand left your wrists so he could support himself and not falling on you. His growls turned into low moans, mixing them with you own higher ones.

Youngbin felt your walls clenching around him which meant you were close and he knew it. That made him go a bit faster, coming right after you did. He gave you a few more thrusts, but keeping still inside yourself.

"Y/N, I'm sorry...I promise you none of this will end up the same as before, I love you" he kissed you.

"I love you too Youngbin"

"..and Thank You"

The End.

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