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stunudo · 6 years

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BAU Prep School AU

A Criminal Minds Fan-fiction

Dirty Laundry

Welcome to the Frederick Buchanan Institute located in scenic Quantico, Virginia, a senior high academy that shapes the best and brightest minds. Its motto is “Behavior, Analysis, Unity,” the mascot the Submariners, colloquially “the Unsubs”. The small school supports the most accomplished faculty from across the country.

April 10, 2017 7:06pm

Emily Prentiss hated her required time on the Booster Club teacher’s panel, but at least she didn’t have to suffer alone. Elle was supposed to be here sharing in the cringe-worthy parents and regents. Apparently Emily wasn’t the only who noticed the empty seat beside her, Mr. Ryan was giving her quite the side-eye. The students were leading the meeting as it was the final one before the end of the year and the preparations for the Alumni Association Gala were kept under wraps so not to spoil the experience.

“Coach Jareau will be hosting a soccer tournament on campus at the end of the month, I have the volunteer sheets with me for various tables, concessions and items needed. Nurse Callahan leaves it posted outside of her office, since it is closest to the field house, during school hours.” Michel continued, cupping and wringing their hands as they read through their agenda enthusiastically.

“We are grateful for Coach Morgan and the football team for volunteering for most of the unskilled slots, but we would still like a few more parent volunteers,” Cissy added.

“That’s the 29th, Mr. Foyet?” Mr. Ryan asked over his reading glasses.

“Yes,” Cissy answered for her flustered friend. Michel shuddered at the title and gathered themselves quickly as Ms. Greenaway stormed in and plopped down at the staff table. Mr. Cruz and President Strauss shared a glance at the tardiness of the young teacher.

Emily couldn’t contain her cough as the aroma surrounding Elle filled her nose and mouth. She smelled like she had crawled out of an aging barrel.

“What’d I miss?” Elle asked, hanging her jacket off the back of the chair.

“Just current events,” Emily whispered, eyes still on the student table. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah, why?” Elle asked, slightly annoyed.

“Well, you’re late.” Emily scratched behind her ear. Elle rolled her eyes, and took out a folder with notes and fliers from Penelope. The meeting continued quickly, agenda very easily conveyed by the dedicated junior, Michel. The regents and parents didn’t have much to add as they had reached their threshold for questioning with the mess of the winter months.

“Staff? Anything to add?” President Strauss asked to cover all the bases.

“Yes, thanks.” Elle started then cracked a smile and had to stop herself from laughing at the look of impatient across the regents’ faces. “Ms. Garcia says that Chef Rossi and Mr. Anderson are well on their way to the most successful and elegant Alumni Gala yet. Invitations will be out within the next two weeks.”

“Penelope and Grant are working around the clock on this.” Emily added, watching Elle’s eyes droop as she exhaled dramatically after reading her note card. “Headmaster Hotchner hopes to raise enough for a staff retreat over the summer as well as a student leadership seminar in the fall.”

“Those are certainly ambitious goals,” Mr. Cruz added. “Does he have estimated costs for these outings?”

“He does,” Emily nodded, grabbing the proposals she received from Hotch and walking them over. Elle stood and followed her, adding some sheets from Penelope, nearly falling back into her seat.

“These look well planned out,” President Strauss added. “We’ll look over these and touch base after the totals are all in. Thank you, Ms. Prentiss and, uh-hm, Ms. Greenaway.”

“No prob.” Elle said lazily.

“I think that is everything we have,” Emily clasped her hands on top of her notes.

“Very well, if that is all current items. I move that we adjourn.” Mr. Cruz suggested.

“Seconded.” Mr. Ryan and Michel said simultaneously.

“So moved.” The gavel struck the sounding block, allowing Emily to grab Elle by the elbow and drag her into the side hallway off the Delaney Owens’ Memorial Library.

“What is your problem?!” Elle huffed.

“You tell me, Elle.” Emily stared down the younger woman and waited. Elle stuck out her chin and refused to break eye contact with the English teacher. Emily shook her head, “Fine, act like one of the students. But show up trashed to another school event and I go straight to Hotch.”

“Relax, I just needed some liquid courage before facing the three amigos in there.” Elle explained, offhandedly.

“Not the best idea.”

“Yeah, well, we were just fillers in there anyway. Hotch and Garcia were who they really want, but this stupid requirement makes us sub in anyway.”

“Because it’s fair this way, let them have a night off once in awhile.” Emily was really holding back.

“Aren’t you tired, Emily?”

“Not particularly.”

“That’s not what I meant. Aren’t you tired of being the leftovers?” Elle asked almost nervously. Emily wasn’t sure everything that was going on with her colleague, but it was obviously more than attending an arbitrary meeting.

“Let’s get you home, Greenaway, before I lose my better judgement.” Emily drove the woman home in near silence, her death metal a calm undercurrent to the ride.

April 13 3:20pm

“I heard it was heroin, I mean, look at the guy; he is so skinny!” Lizzie whispered not too discreetly to Hannah and Camille’s work table during the last few minutes of AP Physics. Her lab partner, rolling his eyes at her tactless gossiping.

“Come on, Liz, do you really thing your mom, would keep him on staff if he was on heroin?” Camille countered, keeping her head down while working on an equation.

“I don’t know, what if he is really good at hiding it?” Hannah pointed out.

“Okay, but doesn’t he have like a recluse mom or something? He has chess club and tutoring, he doesn’t even have time to date.” Camille was getting worked up and her friends noticed.

“Wow, Cam, you sure know the pipe cleaner’s schedule.” Hannah teased.

“Yeah, I mean, perhaps you could ask him about his drug problem. Since you know him so well?” Lizzie tucked her hair behind her ear, as her tone shifted.

“Shut up, Lizzie.” Camille turned beet red.

“Dr. Reid?” Lizzie’s hand shot in the air just as the final bell burst through the halls. Camille grabbed her friend’s arm and pulled it down, denying Lizzie to ask whatever embarrassing thing she was bound to follow with.

Dr. Reid turned and looked at the front of the class, confusion pulling at his brow.

“Never mind, Dr. Reid.” Camille replied, covering Lizzie’s mouth with her notebook.

“Have a good weekend!” Hannah added, helping to drag Lizzie away from the unsuspecting teacher.

“Enjoy your break, ladies.” Spencer Reid replied, confused as ever with the opposite gender.

April 26 7:28am

“Hiya Boy Wonder!” Penelope gushed as she came sauntering into his first period class mere moments before roll call.

“Ms. Garcia?” Dr. Reid was startled. “What do you need?”

“What makes you say that?”

“You use flattery to soften your victims before you get them to do your bidding.” Spencer smirked at the blonde as she started fiddling with things on his demonstration table. “Don’t touch that. Penelope!” His voice jumping in volume before she opened the gas line.

“So, uh, you have your tutoring group tonight, right?” She asked coyly as she slid an envelope across the table to him.

“Are you bribing me?” Spencer’s eyes shot around the room ensuring they weren’t being over heard.

“What? No!” Penelope motioned in the air as if to whisk away the idea. “Just give this to, uh, Coach Morgan for me?”

“Penelope, I’m not your mail carrier.” Dr. Reid held the letter in the air, meaning to return it.

“You’re a peach!” Penelope grinned and walked back out of the room. “Thanks!”

He was left with his entire Chemistry class staring back at him as he waved a not so secret love letter in the air.

“She’s not very stealth.” Lucas pointed out.

“Tell me about it,” the teacher agreed.

April 26 1:09pm

“Honestly, this was the shortest--,” Alex chuckled. “The shortest line, but he refused. REFUSED to get in it.”

“Where do you think your stubbornness comes from?” Dave teased, sauteing a divine dish as they spoke. “How was the game?”

“Too close, but they won.”

“Not going to be doing much of that this season.” The chef added haughtily. The brunette threw the chunk of bread she was picking at, towards her ex-husband’s face, he easily dodged the assault.

“Your Cubs have one season and you think it’s the rapture.”

“Your point?”

Hotch had been observing the pair bantering over baseball in the doorway. It was a level of intimacy that he didn’t want to intrude on, but his stomach had more primal ideas. The rolling of hunger pulled the couple’s eyes to the young Headmaster.

“Here he is!” Dave grinned, “Thought you forgot about little, ole me.”

“I may have, but can’t argue with basic needs.” Hotch smirked, patting his flat stomach.

“I’m glad you showed, he wasn’t going to let me have any until you arrived.” Alex Blake shrugged as she claimed a stool at an empty preparations counter.

“Says who?” Chef Rossi argued.

“I know what stalling looks like, Dave.” Alex held up her hands against the eye daggers shooting her way.

“Alright, you two.” Hotch cleared the comedic flirtations with his low voice.

“Order up.” The amused chef served the two ravenous educators, watching proudly as they dug into lunches. Alex hurried away with the class bell, leaving Hotch to help clear her spot.

April 28 9:40am

Erin Strauss didn’t know why she was nervous as she walked up the stairs to the second floor of the school that Friday morning. Sure, she was rarely in the building during school hours and the last few interactions with this particular teacher had been less than pleasant. But, she had somehow come to the conclusion that this conversation needed to take place, and she wasn’t one to back down when her mind had been set.

It was there in her shoulders, Erin could see it, the heaviness settled in on such a young body. Lizzie had private language tutors, which left Erin with only tertiary experience with the Spanish teacher. Perhaps it was her years of sobriety, accented by her years of motherhood, but she finally accepted that she was compelled to say something. She shifted her bag in her hands, knocking on the open frame before stepping inside the simple office.

“Adelante. Come in. Venien--” Elle paused as she acknowledged the visitor.

“Morning, Ms. Greenaway.” Erin Strauss offered gently. “Do you mind if we talk?”

April 29 6:22am

Jennifer Jareau expertly entered the field house with a tray of coffees in each hand. The meager early morning cheers she received from her volunteers would have to be her motivation for the day, unnecessarily swearing off caffeine during her pregnancy. She handed out the assorted drinks and pre-opening assignments in a blur.

Derek and the majority of the varsity football team arrived in packs, rolling in just before registration began. There were eight other schools attending the tournament, as hosting campus, FBI was not participating. This left JJ to facilitate to the best of her abilities and kept her out of the spotlight of the sidelines. Though her name was plastered over every flier and social media reminder for the event, she insisted on making it about the school and not about her celebrity.

Stephen and the pep band shuffled to the center of the basketball court, preparing for the national anthem. The bleachers were a patchwork of the masses, teenage girls in every colored jersey bunched together awaiting the first round of games. Line judges and referees were huddled near the first aid station, manned by the enthusiastic Nurse Callahan and her friend, Gary helping out, once again. JJ was pleased with the turn out and especially the good publicity the school was getting, eyeing the camera crews from some local station and internet sports broadcasts present.

After the general welcome, rules and the anthem was sung, JJ was free to slip back into the coordinator role. But not before a tall stranger approached her, “So who’s the lucky guy?”

“Excuse me? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” JJ eyed the man cautiously.

“Come one, JJ. You’re what, four months along by now?”

“Who are you?” JJ demanded, crossing her arms, wishing Derek or Heathridge were around to show this guy out, right about now.

“Just a fan,” He smiled easily, his almond eyes kind despite his pressing questions. “I covered your team at the World Cup in ‘07, but I don’t think you remember me.”

“You’re a reporter?” JJ glanced around for a hidden camera. “I don’t know what kind of story you think you’re getting, pal, but-”

“And my niece is one of your players?” He waved as an enthusiastic Hannah came running into his arms, he effortlessly lifted the teenager into the air.

“Weh-sukbu!” Hannah said, “I didn’t know you were in the country!”

“Which is what makes it a surprise.” The man hugged the girl and set her back down before they both turned to JJ. “I was just re-introducing myself to your coach.”

“Ugh, gross.” Hannah teased. “Sorry, Coach Jareau, my uncle thinks he’s funny. I hope he wasn’t being his pushy-self.”

“I’m not working today,” Matt Simmons casually hooked his thumbs in the belt loops on his fitted jeans. “But it was nice seeing you, Miss Jareau. Make sure this one does her laps, eh?”

The duo wandered off towards the concessions, the invading man messing up the girl’s hair mercilessly. JJ didn’t remember ever meeting the man before, but something about his approach left her on edge. Other than a few petty disagreements with the refs, the remaining tournament went off without a hitch. JJ’s back was killing her when she drove away from the school grounds late in the day, leaving Anderson and some groundskeepers with the last of the clean up. Between the parents’ comments and other coaches’ feedback; she knew they had done a great job, but hoped it was reflected in the funds raised.

April 30 11:12am Brunch

The waitress wasn’t sure why the man dressed like her grandfather was twitching nervously with his water glass until his companion walked in, clearly this woman was above of this guy’s comfort zone. She re-approached the table to refill his coffee.

“Anything for you, dear?” She casually asked the blonde woman.

“Water is fine, thanks.” Her smile didn’t quite meet her ice blue eyes. “How are you doing, Spence? It feels like ages since we talked.”

“It has been seven months and some change, since we have had a non-work related conversation, so ages isn’t too far off, I suppose.” Spencer scrunched his nose, trying to calm his racing heart. “But I am doing well, thanks. Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Are you well?”

“Oh, ha!” JJ smiled. “Yes, much better now that the tournament is behind me for the year.”

“That’s great! I know Derek was impressed with all the details such an endeavor requires.” Spencer glanced back at the menu, though the words were already safe in his mind.

“All day events are a strategic nightmare, but I had a lot of help.” JJ turned back to the menu. Spencer waited a cool four minutes and thirteen seconds before approaching the subject.

“Anything else new with you?” Spencer was horrible at small talk.

“No, not really.” JJ shook her head with a comical frown.

“JJ?” Spencer ducked down, trying to catch her eyes from hiding in the menu again. “JJ, its alright, I know.”

“You know?”

“About the baby. Elle told me.” Spencer shrugged, sliding his glass over one half inch. “I hope that’s alright.”

“Well, I shouldn’t be surprised, you two have been rather close.” JJ admitted. “Besides, it’s not like it isn’t obvious by now.

“No, that’s not what I-” Spencer stammered. “You look gr- gor. You’re beautiful.”

“Easy for you to say!” JJ laughed. “Spence, it’s okay. I don’t mind my bump.”

“Good, you shouldn’t. It suits you.”

“Ready to order?” The waitress broke the awkwardness by her sheer presence. After taking away their one distraction, the conversation inched forward.

“So how’s your mom?” JJ scratched her head, wishing she had come better prepared.

“Doing quite well, actually, her aide has been phenomenal. I really think she is on the right track, after so long.” Spencer pursed his lips, proud of Diana’s progress.

“That’s great! So is she going out yet or having people over more?”

“She has a group she meets with twice a week at a local clinic, which she hardly ever misses. If everything continues on her current trajectory, she should be able to be in an assisted living situation or a retirement facility by early next year.” Spencer’s excitement was palpable, allowing JJ to relax.

“That’s fantastic. I know you hadn’t seen improvement in quite sometime, I am really happy for you, for you both.” JJ dug into her Belgian waffles, letting the fluffy grids soak up the sugary goodness.

“JJ, I want you to know, if you need anything now or in the future; I am more than willing to step in to help.” Spencer blurted out as the waitress handed them their to go containers.

“Thanks?” JJ replied, confused.

“I mean it.” Spencer reached over and took her hand. “It isn’t fair to you to do this all on your own. I have seen firsthand the toll single parenthood takes. Let me help you, JJ.”

“Spencer! What are you doing?” JJ was floored. “I am not exactly helpless, you know.”

“I know you’re not, but a baby needs a lot.” Spencer sighed. “I don’t know what happened between you and Emily and it is none of my business. But if you need a partner in this,” he gestured toward her growing belly. “I am more than willing to be the father.”

“Oh, Spencer.” JJ’s eyes filled with hopeless tears. “You know I can’t do that.”

Very Special Thanks to Cassie @mentallydatingspencerreid,

Meg @imagicana , and Loki @ay-nako!!!

@ddreammcatcher @ultrarebelheart @lightbluelester @criminal-anatomy @captainreid @thebadyears @amarislestrange @shaelyn102 @badasprentiss @fl0werb0nes18 @inestava @sam-carter-in-training @wonderboygenius @fortheloveofpearlet @valentina-pendragon-blog @imarockstar45 @chocok22 @cynbx @fairymega @madamredwrites @doctorspencerreidrp @mindsunleashed @dontshootmespence @bookofreid @marvelfanlife @welp-there-it-is @ilikeitwhenyousleepforyouareso @remember-me-forever-silent-angel @original-criminal-fanfics @derpyprentiss @olicia-leeshy @lookwhatyoumademequeue @veroinnumera @sarahkay-19 @sammles27 @lesbian-asajj @teatimewithtiya @braziliangirlonasharkcity @alienlynz @janam03 @nobravery @clockworkballerina @whymesswperfection @hagridsmumhasgotitgoingon @brooke0297 @xxmaddhatter39xx @gurliest @handpaintedgalaxy @kxlley @krazykendraisnotinsane @bat-crazydoll8 @hownottobeaheartbreaker @captainreid @beereadsthings @prettyboysjello @megsi98 @criminal-prentiss @eternaldarknessiscool @loadingdelete @tinydancer26 @sydneymikayla @blabla412 @pleinemoon @pebblesinthelake @iamaquaria @megsi98 @prettyboysjello

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unproduciblesmackdown · 6 years

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its just wild idk how to say the experience of just like...it being a wholeass fixture in your life that you’re gonna off urself...i guess in earlier times (almost been aware of being suicidal for a whole decade babes) it was also that i just...like assumed that my future was gonna involve some whole disaster that was going to wreck the whole damn thing idk. like i always knew i didnt have the kinda situation where i had somebody to fall back on no matter what & i did very much know that i had the kinda situation where if it looked like the identity ppl thought i had fell through and it turned out i wasnt thriving in all of this and actually just kinda miserable and on my own, instead of having ppl who would be There For Me No Matter What i had the ppl who would want nothing to do w me except for further beat me down..........so yeah i guess ive been feeling like my future was only Doom since like 12 def...maybe earlier if you look at it idk its like wondering when i was starting being depressed fulltime. probs like age 3 idk

anyhow the point is....hard to explain what its like having the constant sense that you don’t have a future thats good & in your control & something you want, or that even exists right. like sometimes i imagine thinking abt the future in the ways that other ppl might, in the way that you assume you’ve got a good while and that there’s things you’ll get to do that you like or you’ll pursue your ambitions or whatever and its weird i think about it for like 3.3 sec and its like tf.........its like when you get some kinda Aroma Memory where your brain remembers that smell from 18.6 yrs ago & you have a 0.62second window to try to think of where its from while you have some fleeting visual/emotive memory.......sometimes i’ll just have some kinda emotional echo from a less depressed life and its like ?????? havent had this feeling in this exact way for a minute. its weird its like lol this doesnt belong to me anymore..

anyways for another solid like.....6-7 yrs its been kind of “i’ll be surprised if i make it another yr alive” with various ups & downs in that level of surprise along the way.....more like a Down lately lmao its wild how impossible it seems to make it a few more days or weeks when youre having a worse day than usual, having an on avg Worse period that lasts for months & months and etc is just....wild baby. if you havent felt it for even a day its not something you can really imagine. if u know what its like to feel like ur gonna die for a longterm period then you know what it is..

like always, maybe this is my year baby!!! in terms of death. if im thinking abt maybe this is the year i suddenly Succeed on all fronts and i never again have to think about kms, then that’ll be a struck-by-lighting, same-shuffled-card-deck-order twice in a row, sheer chance out of nowhere. your life isnt steered towards goodness because you’re good enough or Only As Much As You Can Handle or anything and ive been too deep in it this whole time to have ever been set up to not get the rug pulled out from under me several times over and yknow once you fall down even once, unless you’re really solidly backed up, the odds arent in your favor about not getting continuously run over the rest of the time. wind isn’t really at ur back there.

like im so glad abt every person ive run into who ive had in my life for more than like 5 hrs and im lucky that i was at least born recently enough to have had the internet/texting mostly regularly from 14 y.o. onward.....if i didnt im sure i wouldve been......even so much more isolated than i was. l o l . . . . ive got to feel like some ppl care abt me which is nice and didnt happen too much before then. its also good i draw lmao coz besides for the most part thats how i talk the best & how i get in touch w most of the ppl who end up sticking around enough i talk to more than like a couple of times.....but tho of course ive never like, found arbitrary success in terms of either my own solo financial boon to transcend any and all problems or ever just like bonding w a bunch of ppl like ride or die for life baby. coz like.....why would i do either. if you werent born into financial stability, let alone wealth, and if you didnt just happen to pick up these deep unshakeable relationships along the way at times when it didnt really matter.....good luck picking those things up further along the way when stuffs even shittier. i may’ve been lucky w the internet/texting timing but i wasnt lucky w the financial crisis hit or really just being born after the 80s, economy wise......or lucky w being isolated socially since age 4 and always having to feel distanced from ppl coz i could sense the difference & stigma of being someone abused & miserable before i was even really that self aware of the extent of those things about me.........oh well. coz again w the internet and me happening to draw enough prior to age 14 that i was always considered “good” at it, and then finding that i like to draw fanart for myself lol....so i could at least connect w ppl some ways right. or via text posts sometimes lmao....and im lucky that the ‘net / having a phone gave me a medium for those things & being connected to some ppl. and im lucky im gay & not cis & got to figure that out & enjoy it coz thats the best thing abt me.......

anyways even if say life was perfect for me magically i still wouldnt be able to relate to seeing yourself pursue your ambitions coz like i always say...ive never really had those lmao. wasnt able to baby.....its like there’s always that idea that ppl whose life is defined by Survival, who’ve been exposed to trauma &/or abused, that if you drop them into a safe stable situation w/friends and all and whatever then suddenly they’ll be a “regular” person, like there’s some inherent core of everyone where they Know what its like to get to live in a healthy environment w a certain perspective on other ppl & how they’ll treat you, and if you just remove someone from bs they’ll just shift over to that Default that is like oh lol yeah im like everybody else. like nah its a whole different kind of world / life you’ve not even necessarily adapted to, maybe its what you grew in. and you can adapt to a better life & grow further in that but its not a matter of like “washing away” what came before....it can be an entirely separate thing. like if you haven’t experienced it you cant imagine it. i cant give someone a real sense of what its like to grow up within & live in an abusive place for decades. and i can’t guess who i would be if i’d grown up / lived in a completely different, better situation. coz thats a whole fundamental change from the start. it’d be such a different person that it wouldn’t even make sense to call it an alternate version of “me.”

well anyways i always feel like i’m bound to kms & that bad things are impending sooner than later & when they happen i’ll get a new set of incoming bad shit to feel bearing down & etc & i dont have things i want except a cessation of living under dread & feeling like my existence is in the way & theres ppl around i gotta be on my guard for & i’m only gonna kms eventually here, theres a long lifespan & for being to off yourself at any given time, also im jealous of ppl who’ve had a nicely sized friend group where they’ve always been able to hang out w one person at least whenever they wanted to / needed to. at least i’m gay, baby. i honestly do feel like that tweet where its like i cant kill myself b/c what if im a straight guy in my next life? @ god i cant do it. like lmao for real though......in my past life maybe i was an 80s gay. syke if i have a past life it was probably a cat. maybe a cat of an 80s gay. i can only hope

#my bucket list.....see rn i’d like to see love simon. i’d like to finish this worthless bad fic thats only valuable for how long ive been #working on it....you’d think i’dve thrown it out but i didnt. just like to finish that up at least #but even the things i’d halfheartedly kinda like to do.....eh i dont really care that much #you cant care all that much when you know its not gonna happen to you yanno #long post //

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osetljiv · 4 years

Audio

(via https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2odvuQkrlARSSv6Pvm41GM?si=sjzD66aFTGa5TkMfcIurtQ)

hi i am doing this solely for myself/my own records so please feel free to ignore!!!!!! i wanted to challenge myself by making a top 10 albums list from the last decade - it was rly difficult because my ass truly cannot cut things down and be decisive, but here it is!

i know many ppl r not into this kinda thing, but i really really love symbolic gestures - i love the idea that a new year (or a new decade!) can wipe ur slate clean, can give u a chance to be hopeful and excited and look forward to things - i hate change and i hate endings but the one good thing to come of them are beginnings! i love new starts, i love freshness, i love blank slates. i know that the end of the year/decade is arbitrary and doesn’t rly mean anything in the long run but....... it is important and super special to me!!!

i’m really not good with words/proper descriptions of the music itself, so i mainly just describe memories/associations i make to the albums, so don’t expect a proper music critic’s review or anything LOL… i am also not ranking by objective quality, but influence - these r the albums that personally made the biggest impact on me since 2010. i started off the decade age 13 and finished it in 2019 at age 23..... so clearly that is a very big difference in stages of life!!! i completed my teenage years, graduated from elementary school, high school & university.... i went thru many different friend groups, many different personality changes...... several big life events occurred…. many many hours were spent listening to music. and now i’m here!

my only rules were 1. had to be on repeat for a significant amount of time, 2. preferably only one album per artist (to force me to pick between them), and 3. i had to consistently listen to the album as a whole (as opposed to just a few songs out of it)...... some of my fav songs in the world aren’t on these albums bc they were either released before 2010 or i didn’t listen to the rest of the album except for a handful of songs (as is usually the case for me). so the albums on this list are markers in my life, and i could (and did!) listen to them front and back. and ALSO they are not ranked from 1-10...... it was literally difficult enough choosing just 10 and i truly would not survive having to rank them as well. in release date order, here they are!!!!!

owen pallett - heartland (jan 12th, 2010)

okay i know i just said i wouldn’t rank these but........... well this one is #1 regardless lol!!! the rest are not in any sort of order but this one has to be first (and how lucky that it was released first too!!!) this is the most important/special album to me in the world - it’s the first album released by my favourite musician under his real name, it has some of my most favourite songs of all time on it - it’s probably the first album in my life that i loved and listened to as a whole! when I was younger i never used to have favourite singers or favourite writers or favourite artists - i would have one favourite song/book/painting but never look into the creator’s other work, never had any interest in organizing things that way. but this is the first time i thought - “i adore this song..... and i adore all the other songs this person makes.... so i guess i like this whole album?” not to mention it’s a whole story and world - heartland tells a whole fable and sounds so beautiful doing so. owen was also the first concert i’ve ever been to! he is so beautiful and wonderful and this album is perfect and has my heart and can do no wrong! and as a plus it was released right at the beginning of 2010 so it truly started off the decade and set the pace. i really don’t know what else to say! heartland was a constant throughout the last ten years - i can’t tie it to one specific moment or feeling the way i can with the other albums. this one was really just the background of my whole adolescence, i guess, and i’ll love owen and this album forever!!!! love love love

gorillaz - plastic beach (march 3, 2010)

i honestly didn’t listen to this album as a whole until the summer after grade 11/before grade 12 when i had to take summer school for math bc i failed (first class i had ever failed :’)!!) and needed the credit for my grade 12 courses (many of which i ended up failing anyway lol) BUT i still had hope at this point so this summer wasn’t that bad..... i remember i had to buy my own bus pass for the summer w my own work money for the first time and walk to the mall bus stop every day all summer to take the city bus downtown to the highschool that used to b a prison (RIP, it got torn down this year) to take summer math from 8-3, 5 days a wk. i loved those classes surprisingly? i remember that summer i dressed so cute every day, i would wear my extra ass dresses and knee high socks and do my hair all cute...... i’d steal my mom’s old lady sweaters w mini skirts and make my own coffee to bring w me and felt so adult..... i didn’t make any friends bc i thought they were all too cool but later learned that the girls in class rly liked me and remembered me the next year when i’d see them at their highschool when visiting for a trivia tournament (don’t judge!!!!) also the first time i got hit on bc a 30 yr old man in my class somehow got my email from the teacher and sent me a creepy email asking me out and i was too scared to go to school the next day lol..... truly feels surreal. but yes i would listen to this album (and demon dayz!) on repeat cuz i found the full albums uploaded to youtube so i remember i would just listen to the entire album all the way thru for the duration of the bus ride while looking out the window and daydreaming bc i couldn’t skip any songs and I couldn’t go on my phone bc the music only plays if u keep the youtube app open…. so it’s hard to listen to the songs individually now because i just picture the transitions every time!

caribou - swim (april 20, 2010)

this was my summer between grade 8 - grade 9! up until this point i only had a handful of western artists that i listened to (before highschool i listened almost exclusively to Japanese doujin groups that remixed video game music…. do NOT judge!!!) and i felt soooo cool when i started listening to this album/others like it… had odessa downloaded on my zen creative mp3.... so freaking good!! got so embarrassed of my music taste after this LOL cuz my brother saw the album cover on my phone in highschool and asked what hipster shit i was listening to. little did he know.... its GOOD!!!! such a great album to just listen to all the way through. perfect background music for studying/ /walking/smoking/literally doing anything to! i can still listen to it and pinpoint different/new melodies in the back in certain songs. so good!!!

crystal castles - (II) (april 23, 2010)

so many 2010 albums wow but LISTEN....... i first heard crystal castles in either 2010 or 2011, immediately after i first made a tumblr in grade 9.... this was the era when offensive bloggers and hipster british bloggers were like the only 2 sections of tumblr...... one of the first ppl i followed was this one super popular british blogger, this kid from london who was probs 15 and he had like, a pale grunge aesthetic and rly long bangs that covered his eyes.... i forget his name omg i wish i could see what he was doing now! but ya i loved him i thought he was the coolest thing ever, i went on his blog and he had autoplay and pap smear was the first song that started playing...... i remember being like wtf is this??? first time i heard music like that, with the video game sounds mixed in and the vocals so distorted. i literally was enamoured like i remember thinking i should hate it and wtf r these british freaks listening to but like..... i could NOTTTT STOP and i remember i wouldn’t even bother looking up the song on youtube or anything, when i wanted to listen to the song i would just go to this guy’s tumblr LOOOOOL god!!!! on the outside i was a cutesy girly girl but on the inside i was a pale grunge hipster british tumblr user!

beach house - bloom (may 15, 2012)

this album is just the sweetest, prettiest memory…. it’s so.. crisp? and clear and pure and loving! beach house was (unsurprisingly) my spotify artist of the decade and i don’t care what rep they get or how similar their music may sound i love them with my entire heart! discovered them from tumblr (as i did most of my fav highschool albums) - first beach house song i ever heard was wild - i remember the first time i started being (SLIGHTLY) less mortified of talking about my music taste to other people, it was maybe in first year? i had gotten into my friend’s car, before we got super close, and she was playing a song off of bloom i think! and i remember my heart just stopped!!!! and i was so absolutely terrified of saying anything, but even moreso excited to see someone whose opinion i cared about who was listening to music that i liked, and so i gathered all my strength and tried to be super casual and say something like “oh, you like beach house, too?” (meanwhile i was literally shaking with nerves…..) and she just so easily said “yeah, i love this song!” and it was the most validating, comforting thing! and a while after that, one of my favourite memories: my other friend got hired at a local café/tea shop, the teeniest little place – it was like 3x4 metres, max – and she would close the store alone, and it was always completely dead, so the group of us would go and sit with her for her entire shift in this sweet warm little store – we’d have tea and coffee and scones – and over the store speakers, she would play whatever we wanted – and for a while i didn’t make suggestions, let everyone else choose, but! i worked my way up to suggesting she play bloom – and she would play the album all the way through, and she surprisingly really liked it?? and then it became the default soundtrack to our tiny hangouts in the tiny café :’)

toro y moi - anything in return (jan 16, 2013)

WOWWWW truly such a throwback....... this is the first time i felt cool, TRULY cool listening to music LMAOOOO SO EMBARRASSING!!! i remember the day it came out, grade 11 i guess??? but i swear it must have leaked way earlier cuz i remember listening to this way before.... my fav tumblr user at the time (kiki deerhoof LMFAO now THAT is a throwback!!!!) was always posting abt toro y moi and made a mixtape w his music on it and i fell in love..... and i wanted to be cool too! so i would obsessively listen to this album when it dropped. the album drop also overlapped w the moment my grades/effort in school went on a steep decline (not that it caused it ofc but this was like…. the background music to my demise, in a way!) i’ll never forget listening to so many details on my chilly walk past my old elementary school at 6am to get to my bus stop - way too cool for school

mac demarco - salad days (apr 1, 2014)

how fitting that chamber of reflection is playing in the coffee shop as i type this :’) this album was the soundtrack to my late grade 12/entire grade 13 experience. i was SO thoroughly and unbearably depressed LOOOOL it was really awful… i’m laughing now thinking back at it but honestly the feeling of being left behind by all of your friends and having to come to terms with not meeting ur own expectations of urself… having to repeat a year and being the oldest one in ur classes…… SO AWFUL!!!! really truly idk how i did it! but the whole time, all year, i would listen to this album. i would always play it on my walk to the city bus (in grade 13 i never made the actual school bus and i don’t even know how much money i must have paid taking the city bus every day bc i truly could not get out of bed early enough to take the free school bus but ALAS……) and i swear to you that entire year was grey and foggy and cold and damp… and i would play salad days (the song itself) and my emo ass would associate 100% with mac singing “oh mama, acting like my life’s already over….. oh dear, act your age and try another year,” and i swear he was singing it just for me, trying to slap me out of my stupor by saying “calm down, ur fine, ur life isn’t over, it’s just one year and you’ll be back on track!” and sometimes, SOMETIMES!! it worked!

azealia banks - broke with expensive taste (nov 7, 2014)

i know i know..... i’m aware how we feel about azealia now....... and i know how overstated it is when ppl say “she may be problematic but she was an artistic GENIUS!!!” so i will not add more to the conversation but....... is this album not pristine? like what a masterpiece????? this album straight up defined my highschool experience even tho it was released at the beginning of grade 12..... all of grade 12/13 i was blasting this album while walking down the hallway hating literally everything! i grew up idolizing my bro and all he listened to (techno/house/etc) and loving it but being too embarrassed of copying him to get too into it, but then hearing azealia sound cute and sexy and scary while interpolating all these house beats. LITERALLY chicken soup for the soul… it felt like she made it just for me!! and even before bwet actually dropped, listening to 212 and all of her other singles waiting for her to finally drop the album she was tweeting about for years, like i don’t remember the last time i anticipated an album for soooo long? and she dropped it days after my 17th bday which really was such a perfect gift. listening to this w my friend who also loved azealia, pretending we were cool as SHIT and so grown up...... beyond influential

frank ocean - blonde (aug 20, 2016)

ur lying if this album wasn’t a pivotal moment for u......... blonde is the sole reason summer 16 is viewed as a cultural landmark. i SWEAR!!!! i may have spent 8 hours a day on tumblr in 2016 but my ass was NOT cool enough to have been listening to frank ocean prior to blonde..... no i never listened to channel orange before this, yes i know i was behind the times! 2016 was the summer after my 1st year of uni, august i had just finished my summer school course so my summer was just starting (i was re-taking 1st year math bc i failed..... some things never change huh!!!! lied to my dad and told him i was tryna get ahead by taking bio in summer school... he believed me till he caught me in a lie by chatting w my friend he bumped into at walmart LOL.... and yet he never said a word :’) an angel) this was also the summer my dad left for a few months to go travelling across canada, he was gone all summer and my bro was busy working and so was my mom and i had the car all to myself for the first time. went on SOOO many drives this summer blasting this album. not to mention that since my dad wasn’t home the responsibility to drive my mom to work fell on me and wow i LOVED it? i realized i love having little responsibilities and having ppl rely on me in little ways like this..... i loved going to bed at 3am and having my mom gently wake me up at 5:30am, having a coffee with her before leaving in my ratty pajamas to drive her to work, the sun was just rising but it was already sooo hot, that summer i remember i couldn’t even hold the steering wheel cuz it was burning and my car didn’t (still doesn’t!) have AC, i’d drop her off to work up on the mountain and as i drove down the escarpment i would roll down the windows and blast pink + white right as the sun began to peek over the clouds and i would take a pretty sunrise pic every time before driving around for a bit, listening to this album, going home, and going back to sleep till 2pm

blood orange - negro swan (aug 24, 2018)

i fully expected this list to be mainly albums released earlier in the decade, which makes sense – they would’ve had more time to have an effect on me – but as the final/most recent entry on my list, this album was beautiful enough to be a consistent part of the most recent year-and-a-half of my life!!! it’s also unique in that it’s one of the only albums on this list, i think, where i had already been a big fan of the artist’s previous work and was waiting for the album to drop. not 2 sound like one of THOSE people but i often find myself liking the first albums i heard from an artist/their older music better than newer work they release (not always!!! but often!), not from any kind of elitism or anything but honestly probably just nostalgia fogging my taste? especially for my first listen of a new album – it usually takes some time and a few re-listens before i really enjoy a newer release – BUT! from the moment dev released the album cover (which is so beautiful? one of my fav album covers off the top of my head) and dropped the first 2 singles, ESPECIALLY charcoal baby, i was so so enamoured with the album, right from the start. that whole summer i had it on repeat – early the next year i saw dev play in Toronto, and it was one of the best concerts i’ve ever been to – the lighting and colours and his dancing and demeanour, the other vocalists, plus we were right up at the stage, it was so stunning!!!!! this album has consistently appeared on all of my various spotify playlists, it rly can suit all moods and occasions, i love it very much and it’s the perfect album to round out my past decade in music!

honourable mentions: SPEED ROUND

yes i’m a CHILD that cannot commit to cutting things down...... but tbh i’m surprised enough that i was able to preen my list into a top 10 anyway. so these r the honourable mentions that i couldn’t live with myself if i didn’t mention in some way!!!! all also very good and important and special to me, in no particular order!

mount kimbie - love what survives: i won’t lie this one hurt to not include on my top 10 :( i’m surprised too.... my friend rly fought for this to be included but i had to listen to my heart!!! however ofc i HAD to include it here at the very least. i was so shocked when it dropped, it was nothing like the rest of mount kimbie’s stuff i had previously heard.... i discovered them randomly when i was studying and spotify did that annoying thing where it plays “artist radio” or whatever so one of their older songs came on shuffle and WOW it was so good! and then i properly listened to them after hearing their songs with king krule... anyway this album is stunning and i am SO sad i didn’t get to see them when they came to toronto but i promise myself (and u!) that i will go the next time they come by!!!! u have my word!

foals - holy fire: this one also hurts a lot to not include :((( a LOT a lot! this one i’m really fond of, my fav foals album and one of the main albums i associate with highschool! so pretty, i’ll never forget hearing holy fire (the song itself) for the first time, so angry and satisfying and GOOD!!!

king krule - 6ft beneath the moon/the ooz: love both these albums soooo so much, i think 6fbtm came closer to almost being in the top 10 but others had it beat juuust slightly - these albums defined the beginning/end of my uni career, respectively, and i’ll cherish them forever! love archie’s ugly ginger ass with my whole heart

james blake - the colour in anything: was such a fan of james and was so excited when this album dropped - it was the start of summer i think? and i would always play it when i went for bike rides to the beach with my dad! such pretty music to drive ur bike to beside the water, all the way down the waterfront until we got to the next city over, riding past all the rich ppl’s mansions and trying to sneak a glance into their windows as we rode by

beyonce - self-titled: obviously the day this dropped - w no promo whatsoever - was a critical moment in music history!! we played this obsessively in high school, blasted this album the entire Europe trip in grade 12 and it just reminds me of travelling and planes and France…. so sexy!

solange - a seat at the table: rly truly a gorgeous album!! we played this in the car when my friends and i trekked to Toronto early one fall morning right after it dropped, we skipped school to go to some event at a café, and we had to wake up DUMB early, like 4:30AM, and i went to go pick them up and we were all way too tired to talk to eachother and stressed cuz we absolutely COULDN’T miss the train so i played this album the whole drive there while the sun was rising and it was so calming and pretty and special

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