#today is the first day i went past my 4pm deadline. hoorayyy lol

[my-whumpy-little-heart]

More Like Cost-No!

Crackcember: Day 4

Epic driving times with the boys because they simply would not shut up this chapter!

Content warnings: light head injury, reckless driving and crash mention, pet whump mention/implication (just used as a joke though)

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Previous

Hilbert’s ankles banged against a couple of stairs as they stepped up to the front of the RV, settling into the passenger seat with one final shove. 

Dennis fastened his own seatbelt and didn’t bother to help Hilbert. He focused instead on slipping the key into the ignition, finally starting the vehicle on the third twist, and pulling out of the driveway. 

“Dennis, I don’t have my seatbelt yet, hold on-!” Hilbert protested and Dennis stepped on the gas, sending them flying down the street. 

“We’re wasting daylight! No sense in waiting,” he shrugged, skidding around a left turn and flinging Hilbert into the door. 

“Yes, but the speed limit sign says twenty-five miles per hour,” he grumbled, sitting back up with a wince, “and you’re- you’re going-” he cut himself off, jaw going slack. “Where the hell is your speedometer?!”

“What’s that?” Dennis asked innocently, throwing them into another too-tight left turn. The thunk of Hilbert’s head against the window and subsequent groan of pain was incredibly satisfying. 

“You- agh!- you can’t seriously tell me you don’t know what that is.”

“I can tell you anything I like.”

“I don’t have to believe it,” Hilbert grumbled, eyes scanning back over the dashboard.

“I could always make you if you’re gonna be like that,” Dennis rolled his eyes.

“You literally can’t! I- there’s duct tape on the dash. You actually covered the speedometer with duct tape. What is it with you and duct tape?!”

“Handy dandy tool, solves all your problems!” The madman embodied an infomercial, rosy cheeked smile and all.

“Knowing how fast you’re driving is not a fucking problem!”

“Excuse you, taking your eyes off the road is a major health risk. Distractions cause accidents, and that pointer going up and down definitely qualifies as such, so I solved the problem! Didn’t you pay any attention in Driver’s Ed?”

“You’re the one who should be answering that question,” Hilbert scoffed, sinking back into his seat. Dennis obviously wasn’t in the mood to give a reasonable answer anyway, so he switched topics. “Where are we going anyway?” 

“Shopping, obviously. Food, drink, entertainment… we’ve gotta stock up for our big trip!”

“And… after that?” He reminded himself he’d be out of there long before that would even matter, but his curiosity was too strong to resist asking anyway.

“Wherever the road takes us,” Dennis answered simply, making one final abrupt left turn up a steep incline into a shopping center. He whirled into a parking spot and slammed on the brakes. The sudden stop nearly sent Hilbert headfirst through the windshield, but his whiteknuckled grip on the seat saved him.

Dizzily, he glanced at all their surroundings and realized he’d been here many times before. It was quite the odd choice for a food shopping trip though, considering the only thing that could be considered a grocery store was… completely out of the question. 

“Uhh, Dennis, where are we even going?” “I told you. Wherever the wind-”

“No, dipshit, here. Where are we gonna pick up those snacks you promised? Are you planning on grabbing something tasty from Petco?”

“Suddenly got a hankering for some kibble, Hilbert?” Dennis burst into laughter, “Or, ooh, you got a collar in mind? If that’s where you wanna take this I’m all for experimentation!”

“No,” Hilbert felt faint at the mere suggestion.

“That’s what I thought. Nah, we’re going to the superior -co store.”

“...Taco bell?”

“Costco!!” Dennis threw his hands in the air, and Hilbert flinched just hearing the name. He felt his breathing pick up and his hands start to tremble.

“You can’t- you can’t be serious,” he stammered, wide eyes looking for any sign that his captor was lying, playing this as a joke before they drove somewhere else.

“Oh come on, you can’t seriously tell me you’ve got something against Costco. Everybody loves Costco,” Dennis insisted.

“I- sure, but I don’t even have a Costco membership! I won’t be able to get in there!” Dennis wordlessly flashed his own membership card. “Okay, well, I’m… I just can’t go,” Hilbert sighed, curling in on himself.

“Awful try. Let’s get you out of there now.” Dennis flicked out a pocket knife and sawed through the duct tape around his ankles. He ripped it off, muffling the resulting shout with a quick hand over Hilbert’s mouth, then trailed the knife up his leg, careful not to nick the bare skin, and started on the tape around his wrists. 

“What if I try to run away, huh?” Hilbert blurted out. “You won’t be able to stop me in a public store like that. So- so you shouldn’t take me in. Just leave me out here. Then I won’t- I can’t ruin your shopping experience.”

“Mmh, you seem awful desperate to avoid this. Surely you wouldn’t happen to be a member of some other bulk store…?” 

Hilbert couldn’t cover his guilty reaction quickly enough. The moment he saw Dennis’s face light up, he knew he’d lost the battle.

“Fine. I’m... a Sam’s Club member.” He cringed, waiting for the reaction. The grating laughter wasn’t a surprise, but it still hurt.

“Pfff, that’s the silliest thing you’ve said yet! Your name isn’t even Sam!”

“That has literally no bearing on this. I am a loyal member of a store I trust so I-”

“Shut it with that hogwash. We’re going to have a lovely time shopping at Costco,” Dennis smiled, leaning over the seat and pressing his knife against Hilbert’s neck in an obvious threat, “and you don’t have a choice in the matter.”

Next

#whump #crackwhump #crackcember #head injury #I don't have a Costco membership??! #reckless driving #car crash mention #dennis let hilbert wear a seatbelt someday challenge #nobody should ever have to be in a vehicle with dennis #Dennis Mennis #Hilbert Griffith #eggbert is still safe and sound in the bag #i think i tagged everything important #today is the first day i went past my 4pm deadline. hoorayyy lol #brain out here being fried #so is body. staying home from bowling because things are really still funky with my physical form #hmm okay do i have anything else left to say.... #next chapter is actual costco hours #for the record: i'm a sam's club person #oh and i'll bring back the tag that i left on the crackcember list a month or two ago that eventually grew into this part of the story: #whumpee: oh shit. no wait. we can't go here. please! whumper! i'm a sam's club person!! please no! #ta-daaaa hilbert says no costco. not like dennis really cares #tomorrow: shenanigans #oh btw this is largely unedited because i hecking Tired so forgive any obvious mistakes