#tumblr is my petty platform and also my journal

[overworked-bookworm]

.

let me drop some drama on y’all — in the last year + 7 days, I:

reconnected with multiple friends from high school at a wedding I legally officiated for two old friends

realized in hindsight that I had liked one of our classmates when we were in school, who had attended the wedding and was now recently divorced

started talking to him very often and, by proxy, the husband I officiated the wedding for

started an on-off flirtation with the divorced friend — [clarification: HE started it, but I was very receptive when I realized what he was doing, it just took me a while]

became the “dump my mental health problems” friend for the husband^ who I’ve said is like a baby brother to me for *checks calendar* 12+ years

was accused by my friend’s wife AND the friend that I was flirting with that I was having an affair with the husband or at least harboring romantic feelings for him

she also accused me of behaving like her abusive mother, when I told her she was out of line for even thinking I would have an affair with (1) her husband (2) who I kept saying was like a baby brother to me

held an intervention for the husband about his ragingly out of control anxiety, where he proceeded to, like, beat the windows of the car and yell and be violent [not at me but around me and I was very triggered and scared] — after which he said he couldn’t trust me anymore because I was projecting my anxiety onto him, and he was fine

fell into an episode of psychosis because I was surrounded by people who didn’t trust me for reasons they’d all made up in their heads, and were all mad at me for ❤️

[while in psychosis] dealt with the guy I was flirting with talking about wanting to sleep with his coworker, and being very on/off + hot/cold with me — which I wrote off as post-divorce emotional problems I just needed to be patient through lmao

[while in psychosis] dealt with the husband’s mental breakdown about never wanting to get married in the first place, dragging my family and the family of the guy I was flirting with into the mess — we got the husband pink slipped and I stopped talking to him and his wife

was told by the friend that had been flirting with me that he’d been leading me on, as he proceeded to ditch me for another friend that I helped him reconnect with — but promised me that we were besties and nothing would change!! (how kind. also? he broke that promise immediately and called me difficult)

dealt with his new girlfriend lying to me about them not being together, because no!! hoes before bros, Alex, I would never date someone who hurt my friend!! but also you need to be personally accountable for feeling hurt!!

there’s more in the way they’ve both treated me since he decided he was done with me, but my therapist and I are still parsing through it

turns out I probably don’t need to be taking Ativan twice a day and sleeping after work + all night bc of the high dosage, I just needed to start cutting out bad friends! my anxiety has never been more managed now that I’ve decided to listen to every other friend that’s told me these ones were all no good for me! I do need the anti-psychotics, though. I heard voices for 2 months and it was NOT a good time.

I didn’t have this much drama in my life ten years ago when we were actual children — the next time I start posting about liking a man, someone remind me that it brings me absolute misery. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t wanted to hop on his dick 🙄🙄🙄

#personal #tumblr is my petty platform and also my journal #but I’m serious about someone needing to remind me that men in a romantic context brings me nothing but trouble #the first time I’d been psychotic was a man’s fault too — I will NOT be happy if I have another episode #you might be wondering what the husband was doing about the affair accusations. the answer? needling me about my relationship to the other #we sat in the ER and I went from him saying sooooooooo you and [name]? #to then being kicked out of the room and the aide being like wow I bet you’re really glad this guy’s marriage is falling apart #also he was having an emotional affair with someone younger in his classes <3 so his wife SHOULDVE been worried #but not because of me who was CLEARLY trying to hop on this stupid emotionally unavailable dick and NOT her husbands #but now he has a girlfriend and doesn’t respond to my messages so what a giant waste of time lmao I didn’t even get to keep a friend in thi #there’s a lot of relief that we never slept together though. I don’t… think he wanted to but I sure did #if we had it would have hurt so much more when he dropped me #silver linings I guess #anyway the actual takeaway here is if you didn’t sustain interaction with them after graduation DONT reconnect #those doors closed for a reason #let them stay shut

[milksockets]

hi, i saw your latest post. i randomly found your page earlier this year and, through you, i've discovered many books and many artists i'd never heard of. it's been unfortunate to see various independent publications and unique blogs that have offered so much that social media and mainstream outlets don't. i understand that you've been on tumblr for a long time and have felt discouraged because of many things that are changing about the platform and more, which is fair. everything is changing for the worse and it's been difficult to adjust. i don't know when it'll get better. so if it's any consolation, i really admire and appreciate all the work you do to share and archive art and knowledge, and i hope things turn around for the better. i hope your website will be a success! even though it's run into a bump right now. i've been browsing through it and feel very moved by all you have shared, especially your journals and collages. <3

thank you, i really really appreciate this message.

i feel petty about this whole thing because obviously in the grand scheme of the fucking *world* it doesn't matter at all. i'm just very much over being on platforms that are making decisions for me, and that operate via anonymous sadsacks' flagging, reporting, etc.

it's ridiculous, as well as discouraging that it truly does seem that everything is changing for the worse, as you wrote. i mean, since FOSTA-SESTA--even though that feels like eons ago--it's just been downhill and it's frustrating since obviously this is how information + other content are shared. especially when you're priced out of every irl space, it feels like there's nowhere left to go.

i find it disheartening because i do care about documenting + preserving imagery that may otherwise be lost quite soon. but i'm also not going to waste my energy putting effort into something when the Powers That Be could arbitrarily wipe it all out whenever they so choose.

#ask #words

[poison-note]

I have gotten surprisingly active on twitter and I should probably be more concerned about it honestly.

Like Instagram never fully clicked with me (besides me just kinda lurking)- I straight up don't use snap chat unless it's to talk to people im trying to kiss I then accidently ignore for the rest of forever- and facebook (like the majority of my generation (if they have it)) is used to stalk my relatives.

I legitimately have never had much of a presence on any social media except for here (tumblr duh) and google+ (which was arguably the media I was most successful in- in sharing my art and gaining a following ect.) Very sad to see it go.

I use social media as like a little journal it's very train of thought. So theoretically Twitter would serve well to my normal style of social media usage except not really.

I kinda drag on whatever I'm trying to say and I want it to be as eloquent and understandable as possible. I want to feel like im having a weird little conversation.

Twitter is a horrendous media for that. I feel like the character limit is trying to stab me and trying to get interaction is like slamming yourself into a brick wall.

I feel like im interacting with a brick wall here sometimes but it's a good brick wall- I've got a tennis rack and a ball. It's a good interaction I get something out of it- I don't feel like I've accomplished nothing if someone doesn't see it.

So because of all that my interaction with Twitter is very different. I'm much angrier on Twitter. I'm also was less personable. I don't really voice my personality at all. I just kinda argue with ignorant people.

For example I literally just got done linking articles about different times fox news got fined or sued for misinformation for someone who wouldn't believe that they had ever done that and asked for proof. That's not really something I would've done on any other social platform.

Twitter just brings out this petty side of me that honestly hasn't really seen the light of day since maybe middle school???

It's probably a good thing I'm having more emotional range but also bad that I'm getting into dumb arguments with stupid people on twitter.

#light talks #i legitimately really do miss google+ like a ton #google+ and tumblr both had/have that charm that most social media just doesnt #when you put something on twitter its konda lost to the void but with tumblr its tossed into the void and somehow people still find it #social media

[oilcolourcandies]

Refreshing My Blog

It’s been a while since I posted on Tumblr, but I want to come back to it. I’m currently struggling with a lot of issues. I’ve had a ton of academic burnout and some emotional/mental problems. I hate posting on all of my personal socials because there is always this one person who likes to try to make little stabs saying that I’m lying about my mental health and thinks I’m stuck up just for going to a 4 year university that I didn’t even really wanna go to but did to satisfy my parents. They’ve been trying to make petty stabs at me even though we’re on the last leg of the teenage race to 20. Even then, I eventually fell in love with that school. I wanna use this platform as instead almost like a daily journal. 

I’m currently in the process of building my own computer. I love computers and they’re such an essential part of my life along with my iPad that I use to take notes for university classes. I’ve gotten tired of using laptops. They’re too much for me anymore and I only benefit from them for taking them to uni. However, now that I’m done with my freshman year, I’m going to commute to my school since it is only about an hour away. This is taking off about 75% off of my tuition. Anway, my point is I’m trying to build a computer in the middle of a pandemic and it isn’t looking too great. Especially since I’ve had battles on and off with feeling worthless and my anxiety. My father no longer talks to me like a human being. When I begin to talk about my mental health, he claims I’m trying to start a fight because for 19 years now, he’s done nothing but control my life. I was trying to communicate with him that I felt worthless and weird because I never am allowed out and never get to spend time with my boyfriend because he thinks I’m trying to hoe around when in reality, I just want to be with him because he actually cares unlike my father.

Other than that, I emailed my school about assistance to help pay bills. I also asked if they knew of any organizations or donors who would be willing to donate funding to finish off my build. So far they’re in the process of reviewing my assistance form and were wildly interested in the fact that I’m a woman who wants to build a computer and so they forwarded that part of my email to a bunch of professors in the engineering college and to some student organizations who deal with pc gaming and all that. I’m hoping to hear back from them about anything. I would be ecstatic to finally get my build finished. Maybe some good will happen out of all of this madness.

[issayemme]

about this generation being over sensitive

aight, i dont really just voice my opinion anytime i feel like it but honestly i’m fed up. I used to like, be one of those SJW’s and go like hey this is wrong and this is wrong and this is wrong. Most of them were wrong tbh, and i totally get the thing about “normalizing”. We shouldnt normalize hate, we shouldnt normalize discrimination and we shouldnt normalize anything negative, ever.

But i feel like, after a couple of years being exposed to nothing but negativity i’m finally #sick and #tired of it. I understand it by the way, why we have to call something out if it’s wrong cause this is how we fix things but i feel like recently the world is becoming a little bit too sensitive.

I realized this with the whole controversy about Pewdiepie and Gigi Hadid and everything. Especially Pewdiepie. 

Like i dont even live in the US, not from there. I’m from Turkey, i’m studying advertising. And i wanna pursue my career in digital marketing so this whole thing is gonna be my field. This whole shitstorm is gonna be my audience and i’ll try to engage with you. Which frustrates me the most, cause i have to deal with this bullshit.

To start off, i know Pewdiepie did something not-so-okay. I did watch his channel every now and then and i remember telling my boyfriend, “eh, he’s doing whatever he wants lately. I’m not that into it anymore, he used the N word and stuff.” and i just stopped watching his videos and thats like a buck less for him. I did my part. I’m not gonna like go online and bash him or anything cause like fine okay he used the n word but the world has some bigger problems right now like the bees are going extinct. For those who dont know he made like.. there’s this site called Fiverr, you pay them 5 bucks and they do something for ya like this girl does your homework and whatever. Felix payed 2 guys (dont know their nationality) to write “Death to all jews, subscribe to markiplier” on a piece of paper and they did, later he commented on how people do whatever you want them to as long as youre paying them. Which is a good point in my opinion. And the whole point of this shitstorm also. 

And Wall Street Journal went up to Disney and they like.. snitched. like 5 year olds. i cant this is just too funny. And they took everything out of context, used a random image of him raising his hand and portrayed it as a nazi salute (If ya gonna go there you can find like even jews doing a nazi salute. HELLO COMMON SENSE?) Anyhow, Disney was like yah this is gonna hurt my image as butterflies and rainbows, occasional unicorns and shitty costume designing so cut ties with him or whatever. But there is like 2 sides to every story so i wish they would take a milisecond and contact Felix but fuck that am i right Disney which is the company that displayed Donald Duck in a Nazi outfit so like whats up

And then, this afternoon i spent my entire time reading articles about how Pewdiepie is the source of all evil, how he is summoning satan with a single look and how he is destroying worlds.  He always said mainstream media is hating on him but i’ve never realized it was this big of an issue. Jesus they were like vultures. The verge even went as far as comparing him to Donald Trump. Like.. Pewdiepie does a 24 hour live stream to raise like what.. over a milion dollars for charity and its like dead quiet but Wall Street Journal runs out of money so they go like “oh pewdiepie draws money lol ok.. guys here’s the thing.” Is every news outlet TMZ now? is this it

And i knew tumblr of course would be on fire. I’m actually glad to see some reasonable people defending pewdiepie because that’s what’s right. Some girl here is like “um im jewish and OUT OF ALL WORDS why would you pick death to all jews? like it has been said before. ermigird get my trigger gloves.” Like hello everyone knows it’s not an okay thing to say, that’s why he used it. To prove a point. It’s kinda amazing to see how people are hovering 100 miles over the point. good job keep it up everyone it’ll get you places in life

The truth is, this kind of all comes back to my major. Newspapers are dying, because noone buys them anymore. They need money to survive as we all do, but we are all on digital surfaces now. But we dont pay for news anymore. so the news outlets are doing everything they can to survive and it gets petty like you’ve been seeing these days. Clickbait is a real thing cause it’s not enough if you see their post on Facebook, they need you to go on their website, see the ads so they can get the ad revenue. It keeps the advertisers, advertising and the platforms alive. Scandal always gets you paid. What i’m sad about is as a generation we’re paying these guys. They dont care really, if pewdiepie is racist or not. Which he isnt by the way. Pewdiepie and his growth is so organic. He’s a goldmine for brands. Verge cant supply content like that, so they kind of shit on whoever does. I’m saying verge but like mashable, the wired.. verge is the pettiest tho. Business insider was kind of more toned down so kudos to them I GUESS.. 

My point being.. like they see we go crazy about social justice and they see the tiniest thing and they make a big deal out of it. We as a generation shouldnt be these idiot’s income. I refuse to be the reason to put money on some 40 year old idiot who has no sign of a backbone. There are things that matter. I’m sick of getting butthurt by everything. Yes some feminists are extreme. Denying it will not get you anywhere. We all believe in equality. If you are calling out Pewdiepie, which again i agree he fucked up but it wasnt like a total fuck up you know. So context matters. Just because something happened, doesnt mean we have to make a big deal out of it every time. Wrongdoing should be punished but not to extremes. Dont get offended on behalf of other people. I live in a Muslim country. And dont you dare get offended on my behalf when Trump says something about our religion. Let me speak first. Let me read the context first. Everyone is constantly in panic to defend someone, they just miss a lot of things. So just take time to evaluate before speaking your mind.  About Gigi’s face too.. Like gosh she wasnt trying to actually hurt someone. People are still trying to call Karlie Kloss out after she acknowledged and apologized  LIKE WHAT DO YOU WANT DID YOUR PARENTS NOT LOVE YOU? DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME? PLEASE JUST GET A LIFE. PET A DOG. We should stop bashing people after they acknowledge something was wrong. Like. Chill, seriously. go suck a dick get a life ffs

JERK OFF IDK WHAT RELAXES YOU

dont let people take advantage of you trying to do something right 

#istandwithpewdiepie

[teananaa]

Life Update: What to do, what to do

Before I cue in my post, allow me to question this again: do I have readers? Hahaha okay not that I expect anything but I did put this tumblr URL on both of my Instagram and Twitter bios so do people even click on it or not?

Anywaaaay, hey ho!

I haven’t really posted anything personal for the past few months here because my life so far has not been any exciting and I completely understand that people don’t use Tumblr for their personal writing platform unlike Blogspot or Wordpress. I used to have a Wordpress but then I tried a theme that I super love but the theme WAS NOT FREE and then I decided to leave Wordpress (lmao petty me). Then there’s my other few blogspot blogs that I have neglected for the longest time but kept it private because I write the cringiest and stupidest things there (hush hush not for public reading okay). Also, there were the times where I just breakdown and feel so shitty about myself but malas la nak write about how bad my life is like I really need to stop on the negativity. 

So yeah, life update! I am still at home, unemployed and not having any responsibilities like passing up assignments or group works like my other friends who are already in their degree lives.

Due to so, I started a hobby which is journal-ing. I bought myself some art supplies and watched YouTube on how to journal hahaha hence I now have an art journal and a bullet journal. This is so funny because I feel like my 9-year-old self who used to LOVE writing in diaries and create some hand-lettering fonts for myself to use on the entry title. We all had that phase okay guys, c’mon lah. So yeah that’s basically what I have been doing for the past few months after I stopped working, that is. 

Oh! Also... I started writing again on my Wattpad drafts that I let be for almost a year. I still don’t know how to figure out the story line because ideas keep randomly appearing when I’m not working on it and when I am working on it, I tend to forget all the ideas and have to rethink of another which makes up to why I have not yet finish the story. I swear this time it isn’t because of me procrastinating. 

That’s all I think I should write about at the moment although there are like another 20 things I just need to talk about but I wouldn’t want to let the cat out of the sack just yet..... eh? Hahaha you’ll see.

‘Til next time! 

<3    

#dianawrites