#uh this is getting sus. but okay. nvm. but still kinda sus. but not really. hm | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ssvgawara · 4 years

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Haikyuu boys and some oddly specific crime they’d commit

a/n: I come back and the first thing I write is a shitpost!! enjoy </3 tw for drugs, murder, alcohol and general crime committing xoxo

Karasuno

Daichi- he’s a cop sorry that’s all there is to it man

Suga- Suga has multiple charges of 1st-degree murder against him but they can’t seem to find his identity so he continues committing murder and will continue until he gets caught or ends up murdering enough people to be put in a position of power

Asahi- everyone is probably like “Oh Asahi is innocent” NO. He has learned that his slightly scary face will let him get away with a lot, he is buying alcohol illegally because he looks old enough to, and he’s buying so much other shit and just getting away with it

Nishinoya- This man gives fucking pimp vibes I can just see him in the big leopard print fur coat with a pretty girl in his lap and he calls himself big poppa but no one else will

Tanaka- Drug dealer vibes, probably runs an entire fucking drug ring with his sister and not just a Lil weed these mfkas have the hard shit too like you could probably buy meth from them, he’s not using it but it’s good business

Ennoshita, Kinoshita, and Narita- They literally rob a bank they have an entire scheme and get away with multiple bank robberies and this goes on for MONTHS

Kageyama- We know he’s volleyball smart but otherwise he’s so mfing stupid and I love him for it but he is a chronic shoplifter. Just picks something up and takes it, has walked out of a store without paying for an entire bed set once and got away with it somehow so idk props to him

Hinata- He is the little guy in any heist situation, he fits anywhere so he can sneak in and out the best, he gave himself the stupid ass code name tiny giant but everyone goes with it because somehow he is the best

Tsukishima- armed robbery, but he doesn’t have a gun just a knife like he’s tall and as an attitude, a knife will get him whatever he needs he doesn’t need the gun

Yamaguchi- He runs a catfishing scheme where he pretends to be a naive girl, scams old men out of their money, and then ghosts them and I think it’s what he deserves let him carry on especially because no one would believe it’s him. Also not really like a crime crime but still a crime in a way

Kiyoko- She kills men and I know it, Queen Kiyoko ending the patriarchy one shitty man at a time like she only kills men who deserve it bc some have rights.

Yachi- She’s too anxious to commit an in-person crime so she does a lot of cybercrime, hacking government databases and releasing info to the people, truly the anonymous we deserve

Saeko- She’s running that drug ring with Tanaka, and she loves it because there’s a thrill to it even though yknow she’s dealing literal meth but like its fine plus she loves rocking people’s shit when they get too handsy, which bring me to my next point underground MMA Saeko, like the illegal one with no rules yeah <3

Ukai- this man probably sells all kinda shit to minors that he shouldn’t he is so unbothered a 7-year-old could probably walk in ask for a pack of camels and get them and leave before he noticed what was going on.

Takeda- Did y’all see how scared Hinata was when Takeda gave him that lecture? This dude could kidnap someone and scare them into giving all the information he needed, a legend truly

Aoba Johsai

Oikawa- took steroids one time. And of course in sports, that’s not allowed. But he only did it once and regretted it for months afterward. Never told anyone and was just relieved he didn’t have to piss in a cup and have someone find out.

Matsukawa- Without hesitation, I know this man takes dead people’s bones and sells them on the internet. Has dubbed himself the bone man and he feels so much power when someone buys a femur or sumn. It’s kinda funny honestly he has a hoard of bones to sell, his fave is the pelvis.

Hanamaki- He’s in between jobs because he stole money from his last job, like he said he was sorry he just needed a little extra for gas but was sad to find out that’s a literal crime and he was laundering money.

Iwaizumi- he’s a street racer, like the fast and furious style and it’s so sexy of him like late-night races ugh to be in an expensive fast car with him where he has one hand on my thigh okay that’s enough of that.

Kunimi- Look me in the eye and tell me he does not do drugs. He does and if you don’t believe me you are wrong and I will fight you on this one.

Kyotani- If there is a crime he will commit it for fun. Like he will do it with no hesitation. He has a record longer than twilight and I’m not sure how he is not in prison actually nvm he escaped and is a wanted criminal lol

Shiritorizawa

Ushijima- Assault, he just reeks of getting into bar fights when he’s absolutely wasted. Like he most likely didn’t start it but he will be finishing it

Tendou- grave robbing, he just goes into the cemetery picked the oldest plots, and gets to digging. Has made thousands on dead people jewelry and probably won’t get caught, like besides the groundskeeper there’s no security he will never stop.

Semi- he breaks copyright laws on the daily. He’s sampling music in his all the time but he’s doing it so sneakily it’s fine its what deserves stream his band on Spotify right now,

Shirabu- His bangs are criminal enough. No, but he has stolen drugs from the hospital before he just wanted to try the Xanax, and yeah he could just write himself a prescription for it nut like it’s so easy to just go get some and no report it so that’s what he did.

Goshiki- y’all want me to say arson don’t you?? Fine. He commits arson multiple times and kills 7 people with fire before getting arrested and he doesn’t even feel bad so in prison he probably fucking runs a gang he is crazy.

Nekoma

Kuroo- he is a capitalist and class traitor and that’s crime enough I don’t care is he’s attractive or rich, He commits crimes daily by just existing but I still love him anyway.

Kai- Could not commit a crime he just wants to garden and live his life. Jk there’s at minimum one body in that garden let him kill a man he deserves it just let him have one dead body

Yaku- he keyed someone’s car once just because they pissed him off. Was it kuroo? Yes. But that’s fine because he also keyed Lev’s car but blamed lev for keying kuroo’s and Kuroo for keying Lev’s. He just wants to watch the world burn.

Kenma- cyberbullying but man he is mean. Like no bars held we will dig into every insecurity he can and that shit hurts and he doesn’t even feel bad about it he will just be as mean as he can if you’re not careful

Lev- his crime is being tall and dumb also doesn’t understand the economy and prints counterfeit money because why can’t we print more money? The government should get on that.

Inuoka- He released all the animals from a zoo, like snuck in one night and just let them all free, I’m surprised the tiger didn’t eat him but hey the animals are free, there’s still some missing uh oh he’s very proud of himself for it. After the rush, he starts sneaking into shelters and freeing all the dogs and cats

Yamamoto and Fukunaga- Have egged a house before, it was Kuroo’s he deserves all this bullying and you can’t stop me.

Date Tech

Aone- Criminal Conspiracy, sure he had an entire foolproof plan to get away with the perfect crime but someone found out, and now his plans are ruined, damn </3 and no one ever suspects the quiet guy either.

Futakuchi- Having a prostitute, he just wanted some company like mans is lonely so he paid a girl to just spend a Lil time with him it’s all good.

Fukurodani

Bokuto- I know we all haha funny laugh at tax evader bokuto and sure maybe he evades his taxes but he’s also committed vehicular manslaughter, he cannot drive and has killed someone with his car maybe even multiple someones but he always drives off in a panic because he doesn’t know what else to do.

Akaashi- Hasn’t actively committed a crime but has been an accomplice in every vehicular manslaughter Bokuto has committed why the fuck does he keep letting bokuto drive? He really needs to stop that.

Konoha- A master scammer he is so convincing everyone gives him money even if they’re a little sus because he’s just that good each scheme is so convincing.

Inarizaki

Kita- He grows weed, you can’t tell me those rice fields are just for rice he’s got all this space he is growing marijuana and selling it, let him do it I want him to be my plug.

Atsumu- "What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier."

Osamu- resisting arrest. He just said no and ran. Granted he shouldn’t have punched the cop in the first place to have to be arrested but like that’s not the point here.

Aran- accidental child abandonment, like he just forgot he was babysitting and left the kid alone for like a day. He felt terrible but he still forgot the kid and now is fearful of parenthood

Suna- owns an illegal weapon, like he just never registered it and keeps it around and would use it if needed Suna please just point the weapon at me maybe

Others

Terushima- Graffiti, he loves painting on the walls of buildings and tagging them, has so much spraypaint and his day isn’t complete if he doesn’t tag at least one building or train car.

Daishou- Public intoxication- he got a little too fucked up and stripped on the street he will forever have to live with everyone knowing he has an ass tattoo like damn bruh

Sakusa- Perjury he simply wanted to get out of court so he said some shit so he could leave granted he lied under oath but whatever, did they ever find out? No, so he’s fine and he’d do it again if it meant he could leave faster. Like sure he was a witness to a murder but bruh he pretends he does not see.

Hoshihumi- driving without a license he simply thought you didn’t need one because why do you need a piece of plastic to say you can drive a car like??? Just know how to drive it.

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chiiquititamoved · 4 years

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ep 1 of bbc dracula - observations

beginning looks very creepy. am i down? not sure.

there’s a cool nun! i’m getting some very good badass vibes

wHEw, okay, i was expecting some queerbait-y type stuff from this show but literally before even the intro, this (AMAZING) nun just goes “mr harker. have you had sexual intercourse with dracula?”

just. right out of the gate

we’ve established that this nun doesn’t have any faith in god

okay now we’re getting into the castle stuff. (this is right after the intro)

aw mina (from her letter) seems like a sweetheart so far

this is very beauty and the beast so far. like when belle’s dad goes into the castle and there’s no one there

oooh we just met dracula. he’s very wrinkly and old

“they [people of transylvania] are without... flavour.” “perhaps you mean character?” “ahahahaa.”

i feel like i should clarify that harker is staying in a convent, being cared for by nuns while he’s sick. he’s telling his story to badass nun and this other nun and the viewer is seeing what happened through cuts or whatever

okay you know just some book stuff is happening - dracula’s being a weirdo, johnny harker notices some odd goings on, etc.

so, this has always struck me - in the book as well - why is dracula always climbing up walls like a fucking lizard? why? first of all, he can turn in to a bat, so if he needs to get OVER the wall then he can fucking FLY. if he doesn’t need to get over the wall then wtf is he doing? harker is going to see or hear him - i mean, god knows he’s acted weirdly/suspiciously enough for harker to be scared/nervous around him - like??? dracula really is an idiot psychopath bisexual

harker’s having an *ehem* mildly i n n a p r o p r i a t e dream. he and mina are having sex but then mina turns into wrinkly old dracula. yucky yuck.

now harker sees ‘help us’ written on his window

it’s in english! very convenient for mr harker - so our wonderful nun points out: “you are an englishman: a combination of presumptions beyond compare.” (no hate to englishmen)

harker starts to explore the castle. uh oh.

he gets lost + dracula finds him

our man dracula is wining and dining johnny!

Dracula looks younger now. :| this is suspicious

dracula is EVEN YOUNGER! glow up!!!!

harker is starting notice there’s NO STAFF IN THE CASTLE... and his health is deteriorating

wow johnny is actually being very brave!! i must say i am proud

johnny is finding a bunch of old pictures in a wooden bin somewhere in the castle. are these dracula’s previous victims?? WHO KNOWS

FUCK there’s a fucking dead lady in the wooden bin. yuckkk i do not approve

she just chased him down this tunnel, and now dracula’s there and harker passes out

badass nun (agatha) is telling us about the UNDEAD. explains a lot

drac says he found johnny asleep on the floor in the basement, all the while looking SUSPICIOUSLY young.

HEY drac is calling him johnny! that’s my thing >:(

now johnny doesn’t recognize mina’s picture! what’s going on?

he’s making johnny write three letters to mina: one saying he’s almost leaving the castle, one saying he’s leaving the next day, and one saying he’s left safely, etc.

john’s hallucinating that a baby’s crying in the distance. OR IS HE?

harker is willing to sacrifice himself for a baby he doesn’t even know exists. i’m actually proud of how brave he is :’(

AGATHA!! i love her

so harker is starting to plot an escape - he looks for a map to the castle. he knows that drac said that it doesn’t exist but his reasoning is that the architect was an artist and would have wanted his art preserved. he finds the map in a painting of the architect’s dead wife (because she’s the sunlight of his life and he built this place to escape the actual sunlight when she died?? i think?? Sorry that was confusing)

so, the architect made hidden passages through the maze of the castle

harker finds a passage! yay

okay the passage led to a room, and in the room there’s a lady in a wooden box thing eating rats. she comes out of the box, she’s a vampire, and johnny’s talking to her. she left the message on the window earlier? maybe? this is unclear.

she bites john

harker askes nun agatha why she’s got no “faith” and she says “I have looked for god everywhere in this world and never found him.” “Then why are you here?” “Well, like many women of my age, I am trapped in a loveless marriage, maintaining appearances for the sake of a roof over my head.” GOD I LOVE THIS WOMAN

eww there’s a deadish baby in the box thing

drac kills the lady in the castle

harker: “you’re a monster!” drac: “and you’re a lawyer. nobody’s perfect.”

okay drac and harker have a suspenseful chat, bla bla bla. drac is trying to REPRODUCE?

If this turns into some fucking mpreg fanfiction bullshit i’m suing

drac goes outside onto a balcony thing in the castle w/ johnny and they lay down (drac in the shade and harker in the sun) and drac asks johnny to describe the sun to him?? cool i guess??

drac, about the sun: “But that’ll burn me to dust.” my man john harker: “Good.” “fair enough.”

i LOVE how johnny is literally on death’s door, and still manages to snark at the man who put him there

okay so john’s still outside w/ drac, it’s established that he’s either going to die (fully) or be stuck in the castle for the rest of his “life”. harker is shaking, bla bla, and he goes “drac! spare me!” and drac’s like “how, dude?” and then we cut to agatha and harker in the convent and it turns out that harker just wrote pages of shit like “dracula is my master!” “dracula will be obeyed!” “dracula is god!” when he got to the convent and it’s like... whew

turns out he thought he was writing an account of his stay at the castle but he really just wrote like 100 pages of that

oooookay - now, johnny’s begging drac to let him go and drac’s like “how?” and john says he won’t tell anyone about drac’s plans to move to england and kill everybody so drac’s like “sure,” and harker’s like “wait really,” and drac’s like “oooh i’m going to destroy everyone you love bla bla bla but if you swear you won’t try to stop me i’ll let you go.” UM.

but now harker gives this impressive last hurrah thing where he kinda like... climbs up dracula’s body? like drac pulls him? and he goes “i swear that if you let me out here alive... I’LL DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO STOP YOU!” psych

and then drac kills him and he falls down

“SO HOW IS HE ALIVE?”, you ask

“HE’S A VAMPIRE,” i say

oh no! he’s not! my lovely agatha reveals that he’s “undead, but not a vampire,”

aggie: “it’s not something that one anticipates asking: but, what happened after you were murdered?”

okay so now johnny becomes undead and he still has a spirit! johnathan harker has a will, etc and he tries to jump off of the balcony thing. drac’s like hey you should stay w/ me! ur kinda like me u kno and john’s like NOPE

then the sun hits drac’s face and johnny falls from the balcony

now aggie reveals that a river, which john fell into, bore him out to sea and a fisherman found him caught in his net. he was brought to the convent/agatha

agatha: “i am known to have some expertise in the realm of witchcraft and the occult.” johnny: “You’re a nun.” ag: “We can discuss my imperfectly suppressed fascination with everything dark and evil another time.”

oh!!!!!! so - the sun reflected the cross that harker was wearing onto drac!!!! and that’s why drac fell/was hurt whatever

so basically like minor vampires and shit don’t fear the cross??? but big guy (drac) does?

agatha’s like “i looked everywhere and finally i found god!!!! yay” and she’s happy

OH FUCK!!! THE SECOND NUN IN THE ROOM IS MINA!!!

basically aggie found out who he was, traced him back to london, and found mina (she mentions a detective acquaintance - sherlock crossover, anyone?)

mina: “we are to be married, so who you are will always be my decision.”

they have a really touching “i still love u!!” type scene and then a bunch of fucking bats fly in

turns out drac’s at the convent now

mina got bitten (on her face) by a bat and she’s kinda bloody and harker’s like woooh take this stake so you can stab me if i try to drink that

god agatha has SO MANY good lines!!!

now dracula has turned into a wolf and he’s outside the gates of the convent

mina hugs johnathan and he licks her blood :(

now he backs her into a corner and tries to drink her blood, but then he stops and tries TO IMPALE HIMSELF ON THE WOODEN STAKE

the wolf has this really gross transformation scene and he turns into dracula as a human

OOKAY so a bunch of nuns come to the gates (i should clarify that that’s where dracula is) and they pull out wooden stakes and agatha’s like drac you’re going down.

agatha opens the gates of the convent!!! and tells dracula he’s not invited in and he can’t come in

agatha to drac: “I expect a beast to follow rules, I don’t expect it to understand them.”

agatha cuts her hand open and like taunts him w/ the blood

SHE’S AGATHA VAN HELSING OH MY GOD

THEY REALLY TURNED VAN HELSING INTO A WOMAN!!!!!

drac: “who are you?” agatha: “your every nightmare at once. an educated woman in a crucifix.” !!!!!!!!

OH FUCK!!!! johnathan really is dead!!!!! :((( i thought he wouldn’t be but nvm i guess

mina and aggie have a talk and mina says she’ll never love anybody else :’(

oh shit!!! i was right he isn’t dead! drac does that weird lizard wall climbing thing again and goes into his window and tells johnny that “suicide doesn’t work.” great.

dracula’s like hey bud i can kill you properly! since it needs another person! all you’ve gotta do is invite me in! :))))))

we cut to the mother superior and she’s giving a nice little lecture about god

and then dracula comes in and cuts her head off

the nuns are obviously terrified BUT they’ve got their crosses and they push him away, whatever, but then drac calls a bunch of wolves

“I’m undead, I’m not unreasonable.”

the nuns get attacked by the wolves EXCEPT for agatha and mina, who went to agatha’s workshop to escape

harker comes down to the workshop! (which they surrounded by sacramental bread or something) and they’re arguing over whether they should let him in and mina’s like i’m gonna do it! and she almost does but she sees that harker’s eyes aren’t blue anymore, so she’s like hey what’s up with that and then harker starts PEELING HIS FACE OFF and it’s dracula

THE END OF EPISODE ONE

phewwwwwww. So this is almost 2000 words? And very incoherent. If you’ve had the courage to read this far, thank you.

IN CONCLUSION: will i keep watching this show? yes. i’m very squeamish so i’ll probably skip some of the gory stuff later on but other than that i will definitely continue.

did i like this show? YES. i honestly started it with very low expectations but so far it’s really good. to be fair, though, i found that in the book the beginning was the best part and i didn’t love it after, so i guess we’ll see.

did i like it better than the book? so far, yeah. The book was full of bullshit like “ooh you have a man’s brain and a woman’s heart,” to mina, which :/. (obviously it’s not like i could have expected much better from a male victorian author but still.) i love how they made van helsing a woman! I know agatha is going to be wonderful.

#dracula #bbc #bbc dracula #this is so long #i'm sorry #agatha van helsing #mina murray #johnathan harker #mine

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