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nvr-dnt-mnd · 7 years

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a very late response to g-dragon in miami (170725)

so i wasn’t originally going to post this as it’s basically just some stream-of-consciousness ramblings that i jotted down in my memo app in my hotel room immediately after the concert, but the ever-supportive @popliar and @iliatar are insisting that i should post it, so here it is i guess!

first of all here’s a not-very-good picture to show how ridiculously close we were?? my mind is still blown tbh

anyway!

this sounds dumb but he really looks like g-dragon?? i’m sure it’s just because i could see him better, because with shinee i was like “i literally cannot believe that that’s actually shinee” whereas here i was like “yep that’s g-dragon alright. there he is, moving around and breathing and being g-dragon. that is definitely him. that’s a g-dragon if i ever saw one.”

so when we walked in and went to our row (which was pretty close and sort of diagonal to the stage), there was caution tape around the seats for some reason. not in a way that was preventing the seats from being sat on, just around the backs. so we told an employee about it and decided to sit in the row behind it for the time being. eventually an employee came to take us to guest services where they exchanged our tickets...for seats 16 ROWS FORWARD. this put us REALLY CLOSE. IT WAS AWESOME

i’m not good at estimating distances in feet, yards, etc. but when he would come over to our corner of the stage (which was often), if i had felt inclined to throw something at him, i’m reasonably certain that i would not have missed. and i am not a good thrower. that’s how close we were

i was hoping he would open with heartbreaker and he did! (if i ever saw the setlist beforehand i forgot it lmao)

oh yeah taeyang is going on a solo tour soon apparently, there was a trailer for it playing amongst the mvs in the beginning that got huge screams every time

my fondness for obsession was rekindled upon hearing it live

i say “live” but, well, you know how he do. he’s kind of messy and all over the place when it comes to singing and choreography, but in a way that really suits him lmao. i honestly can’t fault him for not being a flawless live vocalist because he’s such a goddamn superstar that he could literally come out and read the phone book, and not only would i pay to see it but i would enjoy the shit out of it

as i mentioned he hung out on our corner of the stage a lot. i don’t wanna be THAT person and be like “we totally made eye contact!!” BUT. I FELT LIKE WE MAYBE DID ONCE OR TWICE. of course, i am aware that when a single person looks into a crowd of people it can be difficult for a person in that crowd to gauge whether he’s looking directly at them or not. HOWEVER. it doesn’t matter whether he actually looked at me or not, WHAT MATTERS IS THAT I FELT LIKE HE DID, DAMMIT.

at one point while singing he pointed right at the girl sitting next to me on the end of the row, and she responded with the most awkward, casual “...hey” wave and i almost lost my shit because that’s exactly what i would have done

near the end when he was getting personal and talking about how he’s been feeling lately, there was a moment where he seemed to struggle to find the right word and a girl near me went “YOU’RE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE” and i again almost lost my shit

every time he would talk about the difference between gd and jiyong and not being sure of who he really is and that sort of thing, the crowd would start chanting “KWON JI YONG, KWON JI YONG” and it warmed my heart every time

speaking of which, i actually really enjoyed the kind of narrative the whole show had about his self-identity, i thought it was nicely told with the vcrs. the vcr with interviews with his friends and family was especially sweet (including taeyang, cl, psy, daesung, hyungdon, se7en, his parents, his sister, and others). the fact that he finished with the songs from his newest album brought it home nicely as well

i was hoping that the encore would be crooked since we hadn’t heard it yet, and it was so that was cool, the energy level in the arena at that point was just insane. he then came out on the floor for untitled 2014 and walked around in front of the standing section, and again i could not believe how CLOSE he was. perfect song to end the night on too given the theme

he was super sweet and appreciative every time he thanked us for our support and told us he loved us, i’ve been a little worried about him with the type of songs he’s been writing lately so it was nice to see him getting all this love and encouragement and screaming and “we love you”s

on a similar note it was so nice when he would genuinely smile, his smile is even cuter in person

he said he really wants to “come back with my boys,” he said he doesn’t know when or where but “i promise, i swear” I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING

also i’d like to thank the lovely @shailja1(insta) for accompanying me even though we’d literally never met before lmao! she managed to capture this amazing shot by running to the front of our section when he was on the floor:

i mean, wow.

anyway here’s another one of my low-quality pics

so close!!

in summary:

my expectations for this concert:

reality:

#good thing read mores apparently work on mobile now because this is a long ass post #for the sake of authenticity i didn't edit this even though i realized i forgot to mention dara being in that one vcr #disorganized fangirl thoughts #gdragon #motte #joke i forgot to make in the first paragraph: toe to tip this is a g-dragon #i swear i'm not delulu i felt that eye contact in my soul y'all #bigbang

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swampgallows · 7 years

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why do you like garrosh so much pt. 2

to expand a little bit (okay a lot) on anon’s question (which, again, I could do until i typed the skin off my fingers), i will EMBARRASSINGLY ADMIT that i have a 40k+ word ffffaaaannn fiiiiccctiioonnn ive been writing for almost a year now that delves into a lot of my ~headcanon~ and self-indulgence regarding garrosh and his character. i began writing it in the first place to try to identify what my feelings were about him, just stream of consciousness as most of my writing goes. but it got longer and longer, and i tried to make it in reference to a second person, to an amorphous “you”. from there it became a reader-insert story for cathartic garbage (or catharbage as i endearingly refer to it) with about ten different notepad docs dedicated to it and its many drafts. one of these docs is a series of notes to further attempt to analyze my own thinking. the contents are below. es muy largo (over 2k words, plus a 500 word chatlog).

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I had begun playing World of Warcraft in late 2005 and quit in early 2009, just before the release of The Secrets of Ulduar/the Argent Tournament (Patch 3.1.0, released April 2009). Most of my playtime occurred while I was in high school, and upon my first year of college/university I felt I needed to close that chapter of my life and move on.

I kept zero tabs on the goings-on of WoW or those who still played. Something about dragons, goblins, canon pandaren. I was slaving my way through college, mental illness, and abusive relationships (if I had to grade my quality of Self during this time, I’d say it was hovering around the low-C, high-D range).

In September of 2014, I started a new job, had long finished college, and escaped my abusers. Inevitably I returned to Azeroth, and thus a new chapter of my life began.

The culture shock was jarring, to say the least.

Not only was I flooded with a deluge of high school memories, obsolete items (hunter ammo, anyone?), and a friends list like a graveyard (some names legitimately of the deceased), I had to play catch-up for two and a half expansions and five solid years' worth of content. I jumped haphazardly throughout the zones, surveying the damage from the Cataclysm (atop my flying mount!), exploring old raids, and leveling my then-capped 80 main to 90 in preparation for the new Draenor.

Polar Bear Syndrome took hold in the form of Garrosh Hellscream. He was everywhere and nowhere all at once, name-dropped constantly but tangibly elusive, yet I didn't for the life of me piece together who that was (no thanks to that atrocious, beady-eyed Cataclysm model). Apparently he was the new Warchief ("where is Thrall?!" became a growing concern) but it took a skim through WoWWiki to realize this warmongering bigot was, apparently, the same Overlord of the Warsong Offensive in Borean Tundra that I recalled from many years ago; the "same Garrosh that spent half his life crying into a campfire in Outland", quoth WoWhead user TGFseb15.

I spent over a year trying to digest this character shift. On top of everything else, due to some sleep aids I was trying out at the time, the “Polar Bear” sightings of Garrosh extended into my dreams. I did hours of reading and research, questions becoming insurmountable rather than answered. How did this happen? Why was he like this? Why is he showing up in my dreams? Of course, all this racking of my brain resulted in more dreams, more conundrums.

In October 2016 I began writing this story in lieu of being able to talk to the man (orc?) himself and ask, "Dude, WTF happened?". In attempting to reconcile my feelings, I had to sacrifice my wishful thinking for who and what the <Son of Hellscream> from all those years ago had become, and accept what had drawn me to him initially: his instability and his depression.

Garrosh's core character, from all that I can gather, is that he is unstable and miserable. From start to finish, Garrosh is miserable. It is the only way I can imagine the descent of a fearful, suicidal orphan into the fully hardened numbness and apathy and hatred of a genocidal sociopath.

However, I am not attempting to garner any sympathy for Warchief Hellscream (or even the Overlord Hellscream of the Wrath era). My wish fulfillment and "head canon" extends only as far as my attempts to rationalize the myriad conflicting storylines Garrosh was subject to throughout the years and unify them into one semi-coherent character.

I love that Garrosh was canonically chronically ill as a child (I was too); I love that he was (is?) mentally ill (I was/am too); I love that Garrosh is one of the major canon explorations of the less-than-glorious ramifications of war on an individual level, as memorable to me as the quest for Mankrik's wife.

When I first played through Burning Crusade ten years ago, I thought his presence was an Easter egg, a callback to those who had played through Warcraft 3 and remember Grom’s sacrifice to ask themselves, “What about those who remember life before the demon blood? Is Grom truly a hero, or is he simply repaying a debt?” (As many a comedian have put it, there is applause for recovery; there is no applause for never having been an addict.)

And to have Grommash’s son, of all potential critics, take the brunt of that, was a bold and interesting consideration. On top of everything it reconnected Thrall to his family: his true name, his biological grandmother, and his “nephew” Garrosh (although by all accounts Garrosh cannot possibly be younger than Thrall). But it also introduced a kind of storyline that I hadn’t seen previously in WoW: we didn’t get a quest to lead Garrosh from the village and make his death look like an accident; we didn’t challenge him for leadership; we didn’t stage a coup; we didn’t even accept the role of Mag’hari chieftain when he offered it to us (unlike our veneration in Ogri’la). Everyone asked you to simply do what Garrosh, “The Impotent Leader”, could not. He was incompetent, but he was protected. He, like everyone else in his village, is doing his best to survive in spite of his affliction, be it physical or mental destitution.

I remember thinking he was Geyah’s son/grandson until the reveal that Garad was her husband, and Durotan her son. Yet from her quest text she had so much faith in Garrosh that I was convinced they were related, especially because he had no faith in himself.

There are three pieces of quest text that have stuck out to me and remain lodged in my brain over the years, paraphrased as follows:

• “Curse you, and curse your ancestors! Only blood can cool my rage, so if that is your wish then... Throw yourself into the heart of the Skullsplitters in the east. [...] May he tear off your limbs and leave you to rot and be eaten by carrion.” — Speaking with Gan’zulah, a defunct quest part of the Saving Yenniku questline • “If you are ever captured by Legion, tell them ‘Xar il romath da tidesbi.’ They will kill you instantly for insulting their god, sparing you intolerable torture or worse.” — Commander To’arch, Hellfire Peninsula [I once posted this line in a creepypasta thread on /x/ circa 2007 lmao] • “Everyone is proud. Proud that we may live to see another winter. But beyond that, what is there? Maybe you should lead this clan, [Arete]. Maybe then I will be allowed to die when the Greatmother passes. Allowed to finally erase the shame of my family name. I long for such peace.” — The Inconsolable Chieftain, [now] penultimate quest in the Garadar questline

You see where I'm going with this.

The only other quest I can think of that stirred such morbid anguish in me comparable to Garrosh’s was the starting quest in Tirisfal Glades where you collect duskbat wings/pelts to stitch into blankets for Gretchen Dedmar, who is succumbing to the chill of Mindlessness/reverting to Scourge. Until WotLK, the motif of “hopelessness” was not one I had personally seen much of in WoW, despite playing a Forsaken. There were sad, sentimental moments. But moments of failure, of bleak resignation, were few and far between. And the most that I did find were in reference to the Scourge or major events that had already occurred (Stratholme, the Sundering, etc.).

Garrosh and Mankrik’s problems were domestic; pedestrian, almost, like gathering the cactus apples in Razor Hill or disrupting the love triangle of trolls at Swamprat Post. Most of all, they were personal. Mankrik wanted his wife to come home safe. Garrosh does not want to turn out like his father. Mankrik must defend his home from angry quilboar and marauding centaur. Garrosh must defend his village from invading ogres while resisting the urge to off himself for the sake of his people.

And, again, because I main a Forsaken, my WotLK starting zone was Howling Fjord (this is also what I played in the LK beta). I must have done the Borean Tundra quests in a blur because I have no memory of them from that time period, other than Kalu’ak dailies, DEHTA quests, and Saurfang and Garrosh’s conversation in the foyer of Warsong Hold. [Note: I have very little memory of 2009-2010 for other reasons. Reasons much like The Inconsolable Chieftain. And by that I mean suicidal depression. HAHA.] Other than that, I gave Garrosh little to no concern during my few months of WotLK. I saw that Blizzard had carried Garrosh over from the portal to Azeroth to assist in Northrend, and I took it in the same type of stride as “Oh, how nice of them to include this Easter egg for the players. The orc we saved followed Thrall into Azeroth." I had also, apparently, missed the mak’gora.

But it's not as if I had forgotten about Garrosh; I did work my way to becoming exalted with the Mag'har during Burning Crusade to earn a talbuk, and I spent countless hours outside Garadar fishing up and cooking poached bluefish for my raiding boyfriend at the time. “Trading kandi with ogres” was how I referred to grinding obsidian warbeads for rep. And every time I went past the campfire to Warden Bullrok to turn them in, I would /hug Garrosh (and stick around for the Thrall event, should it have been ongoing).

And Garrosh did not forget about me, either.

Do not think that I have forgotten what you did for my people in Nagrand, [Arete]. Hellscream never forgets. For that I am indebted to you and it is why I give you this chance now: run. Leave this place and never look back. Return to your home and say a prayer for the dying. (x)

Garrosh apparently talked a lot of big game in WotLK, but I did not bear any witness to it before quitting. I had barely made it into Sholazar Basin and did not touch Icecrown, the Storm Peaks, or Wintergrasp. So the way I interpreted this opening statement from Hellscream was him admitting to me, his friend, someone that he knew he could trust, who knew him as he was before, that he was afraid. After all of Thrall’s encouragement, and Garrosh getting the confidence to leave his village and give himself to the Horde, feeling his namesake redeemed, feeling a future was possible, Garrosh was still terrified. “You got roped up in my business once before, and I am thankful it worked out for the both of us. But I got myself into this mess and I cannot have you bail me out again.” He took a leap in a rogue moment of assurance and then, upon settling back into his depressive median, steps back and thinks, “I have made a terrible mistake.” (>when youre feeling good and make plans >when those plans actually arrive and you have to be social)

This is further heightened by Garrosh’s response to the player if they have not completed the quest chain:

A hero of the Horde, eh? <Garrosh sniffs at the air around you.> Fear... <Garrosh spits.> You won't last long. (x)

He himself is most definitely afraid. But he does not trust you, so this is how he tells you. He accuses you. He affirms this aloud, for himself, passing the blame to you. Anyone would fear standing at the Lich King’s doorstep, most certainly an orc who has known starvation and disease and death and shame, but also blue skies and white clouds and bright sunshine.

The red of Durotar was dismal enough. The gray endless death is even more difficult to bear.

And so, this is the mindset and place where my story begins: after Burning Crusade, after the first mak’gora with Thrall, after the summit in the comics, after clawing their way through the kvaldir and erecting Warsong Hold, but before Garrosh and Saurfang’s conversation, and before the rest of the Horde reinforcements (the players) arrive. I wanted to capture that tenuous period of Garrosh’s ego boost having only barely thrust him out of his dysthymic doldrums, still wrestling with his twenty-plus years of self-resentment, still trying neurotypicality (for lack of a better word) on for size like a garment in need of tailoring. Garrosh yearns to run with the pack but is a coyote among wolves.

This is the Garrosh I knew and remembered. So when I came back to Azeroth... well, you know the rest.

==============

Valkosk - 01/17/2017 It was Garrosh first command experience where he was trying to prove himself amongst his war seasoned clan that he had the brutal edge needed to command the Warsong or Blizzard's writing team didn't think about over arching storyline for their individual heroes. Might be that second one. Keelhaul - 01/17/2017 All he did in Warsong Hold was turtle. He literally brags about it. Arete - 8:52 PM

Keelhaul - 2:43 PM Boreal Tundra Garrosh to player: "I hate you. I'm ignoring everybody who wants to help/needs our help. Later, I'll send you on a suicide mission." Borean Tundra Saurfang to player: "Ignore Garrosh, he's being a bitch again. Here is how you can help us, and also there are others you can probably help in the other room. Later, I'll go behind Garrosh's back to save you from death." Saurfang is the true hero of the Warsong Offensive. Seriously, every quest in that zone comes down to "we need to clean up Garrosh's mess" or "Garrosh is refusing to do anything productive, so we need to go help _ ourselves."

SOURCE? cause garry told ME to go home & pray for my family because he loves me

Keelhaul - 9:05 PM [links the Foolish Endeavors quest dialogue]

Arete - 9:13 PM wtf is a flenser is varidus an elite? is that why you say he sends you to your death alone? or do other npcs call it a suicide mission? i gotta get my characters up to 70 so i can play through the wotlk campaigns again its been almost 10 years since i did saurfang is such a good dad omg

Keelhaul - 9:17 PM You deliver him intelligence some of the Forsaken spies died to deliver, basically saying that a Necrolord is found and such-and-such place. They ask Garrosh for help, he says "I'm just going to send you." The one Forsaken agent spying on him is stunned to learn that you're the only one coming to help, so he moreorless just assumes you're both going to die. The fight begins, and it's immediately obvious that you can't win. The boss stuns both of you, tells an assistant to take you away. The assistant reveals himself as Saurfang, and then basically carries you for the whole fight.

Arete - 9:18 PM damn saurfang is such a fuckin bro garry trusts me because i am strong

Keelhaul - 9:20 PM He's a tool to everyone who didn't see him as a bitch in Nagrand. :stuck_out_tongue:

Arete - 9:21 PM fuckin yikes!!! he was a lil bitch but i was too some of us were beginning our descents into mental illness alongside Garrosh <Son of Hellscream> in Garadar :sob: i mean there's no denying he's a piece of shit idiot post-wotlk he's an incorrigible racist asshole in pandaria it really sucked fo rme to find a character i identified with 10 years prior had been taken down the route he was i had quit wow before the release of ulduar & came back in WoD because i heard there would be new models. i knew nothing about the new xpac storyline or anything that had transpired past black temple so IMAGInE MY SURPRISE WHEn A CHARACTER I THOUGHT WAS JUST An EASTER EGG FOR OnE OF THE MOST MEMORABLE QUESTLInES In ALL OF TBC IS REVEALED TO LITERALLY BE A GEnOCIDAL FASCIST DICTATOR "hey things worked out well for hellscream!!! maybe, despite my depression, things can work out for me too!" 'HAHA nOOOOO BITCH' its just so sad, like what a shame :frowning: im still tryna cope

[end log]

#yamyell #blathering

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staboteur · 7 years

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René/A

SEND ME A SHIP AND I’LL DO THIS THING

@meetthethiefa

The ship is my: most recent top/favorite ship with rene yall okay

Children: No | Yes | They’d think about it

My general opinions are always long lmao I’m opinionated and I go off on tangents a lot, and I like keeping opinions as stream-of-consciousness, truthful thoughts about a certain thing and as many other related things I can think of that could possibly relate to a ship. So under a cut, as usual, with my long-ass opinions

General Opinion: I know I said it was okay to ask about anything (regardless of whether or not it’s related to René) but this, so far, is really the only ship that I really, well and truly, with 100% certainty, say that I ship because I just truly love the way they work together, mirror each other, and has so much room to develop. I literally have never felt like René could like someone so quickly, and within one thread. I never predicted this would happen, simply because it literally has never happened before. Let’s just say that A blew him away pretty much lmao it’s just such a good ship, it just

I could go on all day about these two lmao and I wish my slow-ass brain would just get creative already and start writing my replies but fuck man i’ve been spending my creative mojo on art these days… I promise. Tonight. Once I’m done with this. I’ll go open up the reply and I will fucking stare at it. I promise. i can’t guarantee a reply though but I’m feeling motivated. I want to do one. I just don’t know if my creativity will keep up with that bc sometimes I want to do it but I just can’t

Also um I also really like the mun, which really helps when it comes to shipping. If… If I dislike the mun and/or muse… Chances are, unfortunately, that I probably won’t do the ship, even if I say that certain ships are my otp (like spy/medic, my original otp). I just… Don’t like using the word otp? It really just implies bias for a canon, and that’s definitely not my intention towards rp. When someone approaches me, I will always check out their blog first and assess whether or not I think our characters will get along at a glance and whether or not we as muns will get along at a glance. Certain things put me and René off of people, but it doesn’t mean that anyone is bad or low quality. It’s just a personal taste that I have developed due to past experience with… Questionable people (one of whom I have blocked now, this person being the only rp blog I’ve ever blocked… I’m just really sad that I never found out what their personal was. I would like to know which username to watch out for, but all I know is their sideblog name).

And, final thing, the only easy way I can describe A and René, and why René likes A so much, is because there’s no negatives that he cares about with her. In his eyes, whatever negatives she may have (as a character) are not important enough to affect his stance on her. Ironically, René is inclined to reserve judgement of people until they make mistakes around him. One misstep is an indelible mark on their record that will affect whether or not he likes them, and doing the right thing will not get rid of that mark or balance it out. One of his character flaws (unspoken really until now that I really thought about it) is that he judges people in how many times they have personally wronged him. For example: bumping into him is one small tally mark, getting in his face and disrespecting him is a very large tally mark, yelling at him and purposely picking fights is another large tally mark… Y’know, like that. And with ever tally mark that accumulates, the higher the chances are René will dislike that person forever an elephant never forgets I’m sorry that was really shady I’m sorry rene i didnt mean it i promise. Sometimes these marks can reverse, like with Amadeo, but… If someone doesn’t interest him, he has zero interest in continuing to talk to them. And of course, this has gone off on wayy too long of a tangent. I always manage to hijack my own posts goddammit, I’m sorry A-mun, for putting all this together in one giant fucking dumpster fire of a post about the inner workings of René’s mind and why I ship the way I ship.

But seriously though, people like A and A-mun are really hard to find (for me anyway since I almost never branch out bc I’m hesitant of taking new mutuals anyway simply because of potential conflicts with real life, but… I mean my workload is manageable these days, and one of my friends is taking a break too, so… Maybe it’s time for some new threads. Iunno.). It just really works well, and I’m sorry if my lack of communication sometimes can be confusing or off-putting, but I really, really do enjoy our rp and ships, and I promise you that right now, and at the point where I stop enjoying it, I’ll communicate as best I can and let you know, but… I don’t really see that precaution being necessary anytime soon, I just wanted to communicate that I’m not that great at talking but I’m also

#//aka rene mun loves to gush on and on about ships that they like the novel #//as well as its sequel #//rene mun is really opinionated and feels like their opinion matters #//and the trilogy #//no one actually thinks that their opinion matters but i like to pretend that i matter anyway #Anonymous

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