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heressencebeauty · 4 years

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Love don’t hurt so much...

Love they say, It won’t hurt they say. But here I was falling blindly in love with a guy who is nothing but trouble. He is everything that I desire. He could immensely quench my thirst, because I thirst only for him. But little do you know, does he feel the same way about me? Or am I just imaging things that aren’t supposed to be there? Who knows, only time will tell?

BACK TRACK TO WHEN WE FIRST MEET.

He wasn’t the guy that I had pictured, and he sure for hell isn’t the guy that I wanted to be with. Yes, there was something about him that made me feel safe. But that still didn’t give me the satisfaction that I need to feel. He was a regular guy, somehow, he wasn’t a celebrity but he sure for hell knows how to make the crowd goes wild. Haha, by now I think you should have a clue has to who this mysterious man is. I think someone said it, yes he is.

At first, I was going wild but when I saw him walked into the park and held my hand, there was no place I’d rather be but in his arms. I felt secured. I felt like he was the only thing that I wanted. But at the same time I felt unsatisfied. And when I say unsatisfied, I meant his body was great but not to the great that I want. He was very muscular. He was tender, tough at the same time. But I knew from the start that he had a soft spot. A soft spot where I’d take advantage of him. Or rather, that’s what I thought. We finally see each other face to face, but I being busy with my work schedule and his. I was mostly on night shifts, so I didn’t see him much after that first meet up. It was extremely hard, but did I even wanted to see him again?

Years went by, we still “talked”, but not to the extent of him being my man, or me being his woman. If y’all are probably wondering, but, I friend-zone him. And I think that was the wrong thing to ever do. Because I broke his heart. Unintentionally. I was trying to satisfy my own ego. So I won’t blame him for being as complicated as he is now with me.

But in all honesty, you must be wondering, why friend-zone him, if you felt so safe in his arms? Great question. I honestly don’t like people to get close to me. Idk about you, but starting up something new and putting your all in it is good if the person felt the same way about you. I hate to get my heart broken and hence, once someone tries to get close to me, I’ll push you away. Anyways, let me not stray away from the topic at hand. I felt so good with him. I felt like he could be the “one”. LOL. Something that I really didn’t believed in at the time. But thinking about him daily, had me catching feelings. Feelings that I should’ve kept to myself, because now I’m in love with a man that’s about to break my heart.

Anyways, I don’t intend to get emotional, but when he told me that he had a gf who was overseas I was broken. And that’s when I decided I should stop talking to him. I like that he was honest with me. But...there was a big but. I didn’t want to get involve with him. With someone else’s man. This was the first and last time I thought we’d see or hear from each other. But I could tell he wanted something from me. I wasn’t sure what it was but I smell trouble. And that’s one thing that call my name. But in the context of what this trouble will be I was lost.

Now let’s go back to the present.

Years passed on, we were in and out of contact. He texted and I’d respond. But this time it was different. Different in terms of how he would texted me and so I decided that I was going to cut him off. Which I did. As the time passes by, I would preoccupy my time with other guys.

Then out of the big blue ocean he arises, there it was. A whatsapp message. “You dash me weh though”, he texted. I responded as per usual laughing. Laughing at the fact that he messaged me such message. When the truth is I was trying to avoid him to stop feeling emotions for him. I was hurt beyond what you’d expect. He moved on. And I don’t know why I’d feel that bad for someone that I wasn’t even in a relationship with. He made me feel emotions that I never thought I had.

Why was I hurting? He had a child. He had a baby mama. He had all the things I didn’t want, because someone else saw him for him. While I was seeing him for someone that I wanted him to be. Yes it was my lost, but here I have the perfect opportunity and I ruin it.

1 Month Earlier

After he texted me, we continue to text frequently. But I still had my guards up, until he melt his way into my heart. And it hurts so badly, so badly because I don’t want him to love me in the state that he is in. He is sober. But I don’t know nothing about this man and I felt dam terrible, But I let him in without a fight, because I wanted him. I wanted to be his and he be mine. But that was far from reality. And it was then that I realised that he wasn’t for me. I had him in my heart, but he did have me nowhere his. His touch, his voice, it eases every pain that I feel, and I hate it, because he’s messing with the little part of me that’s keeping me sane.

#lovehim #dramalove #won't you be mine

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gabapple · 5 years

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a survey thing!

Tagged by @seeingteacupsindragons

Tagging: whoever would like to participate, because... it’s Christmas and I don’t wanna tag people lol

1) Are you named after anyone? Nope. Fun fact, though; I was almost named Jennifer??? But then my mom changed her mind.

2) When was the last time you cried? LAST NIGHT. I was so overly emotional watching Into the Spider-Verse the second time through. I cried through most of it lol gosh it was so good. Everything mattered so much. weh weh best movie

3) Do you have any kids? No... but I do have cats.

4) Do you use sarcasm a lot? All the time.

5) What’s the first thing you notice about people? In person, it’s their eyes. Or rather, if they look at me straight on/how long they hold eye contact/what their brows do/etc... It’s a lot about how a person engages with me and the room. You can tell a lot about what a person’s MO by that, and how to best communicate with them. It’s sort of similar online, too... but by word choice- passive/active communication, etc. Trying to get a feel for what their style is.

6) Eye color? Blue.

7) Scary movie or happy ending? I like a satisfying/hopeful ending for all of my endings, even the scary ones. And I do love scary movies.

8) Any special talent? Idk I draw and I write but a lot of people do. I’m really patient, though. Extremely patient. Moreso than a regular person.

9) Where were you born? Provo, Utah.

10) Hobbies? Writing, drawing, reading, collecting things, RESEARCHING, web development, cooking, singing... I’m slowly learning how to play the ukulele, but I need to be more dedicated.

11) Do you have any pets? Two cats!

12) What sports do you/ have you played? I really liked tennis, and I was good at shooting hoops in basketball, but I’m a terrible runner. I’m very slow, which makes me bad at basically all sport.

13) How tall are you? 5′6″ - very average.

14) Favorite subject in school? English. I always loved English. I took so many art classes but it felt like I was constantly butting heads with my teachers, while English... was just a natural fit.

15) Dream job? A regular 9-5 like the one I currently have with lots of PTO so I could do book tours and school visits for a part-time published author/illustrator gig. I really like having health insurance, routine, and an office full of people to see. It’s good for me. Stability is essential for me to do anything creative.

#meme #survey #faq #about me

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