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sigmalied · 4 years

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THOBM S1:E4

While I’m here I’d like to obnoxiously discuss why Episode 4 of Bly Manor is my favorite, regarding the portrayal of Dani’s inner struggle with her sexuality, through a point-by-point chronological analysis.

Part 1: First Flashback

The episode opens with a flashback to Dani’s childhood, revealing the owner of the glasses as Eddie. Dani says she needs to go home, but Eddie insists she stays. At this point, persuading her to stay is relatively innocent. Some day, it won’t be.

We then leap to the moments before Dani and Eddie’s rehearsal dinner. Eddie asks if she’s ready, and Dani hesitates, giving a weak “I think so,” which Eddie brushes off without much concern, perhaps chalking it up to stage fright.

Dani does not speak at the rehearsal, but Eddie does. In his speech, he reveals that Dani had to dare him to kiss her, presumably because she couldn’t do it herself. He calls her “Danielle”, never “Dani”. Additionally, Eddie spent their adolescence and early adulthood asking Dani to marry him, each time receiving a “no” until Dani finally caved in. Why Eddie is so surprised about being dumped later on is beyond me.

Eddie’s mom, Judy, catches Dani escaping the dance floor and gives Dani her old wedding dress. Dani holds the dress in front of herself before a mirror and Judy asks her to say, “Good morning, Mrs. O’Mara,” in reference to both the first time she met Dani, and Dani’s wedding day when that will also become her name, too.

During this segment, both Eddie and Judy insist that Dani knows what she wants. Judy even encourages her to speak her mind. This puts some responsibility on Dani for her predicament, and it’s not entirely undue. Dani is passive. She is trapped, yes, but she has also taken no measures toward freeing herself.

Part 2: Day of the Funeral

The flashback ends and Dani’s in her room at Bly, getting ready for Owen’s mom’s funeral. The timing of Dani remembering her impending wedding on the day of a FUNERAL is incredibly telling, as is the obvious link between Judy’s dress and Dani’s only black one.

Jamie comes in, and when Dani expresses her reservations Jamie doesn’t pressure her to go if she’s not comfortable doing so. Jamie’s, “I don’t need you to be my date to Owen’s mom’s funeral” suggests they’ve discussed going together, probably sometime that same morning, but Jamie doesn’t trap her in that arrangement. She readily gives Dani a way out and doesn’t shame her about it. (Compare to Eddie and Dani before the rehearsal).

Dani asks Jamie to help her out of the black dress (just the zipper!). The point of this isn’t merely sexual tension, it’s also symbolic of Jamie freeing Dani from a life she equates with death. Eddie’s specter shows up, right on schedule, to guilt Dani for her intimacy with Jamie.

Part 3: The Kitchen & Dani’s Nervous Episode

Jamie returns from the funeral to find Hannah, Dani, and the kids preparing supper in the kitchen. Jamie eerily foreshadows the struggle she and Dani will face in their future relationship, as well as her own character development, when she discusses care for someone with a terminal condition.

Jamie catches Dani staring at her. Dani averts her gaze but keeps glancing back even as she approaches the kitchen sink. Eddie makes an appearance, as expected, and it thoroughly rattles Dani because his form has become physical as he places his hands on her hips. (It may be somewhat of a stretch, but the physicality of Eddie might imply that Dani's private thoughts toward Jamie were trending toward the ‘physical’). She excuses herself in a panic; it’s all coming to a head because she’s starting to realize what this means for herself.

Part 4: Second Flashback

Dani’s getting Judy’s old wedding dress fitted. Judy and her own mother watch. For such a short scene, this one is DENSE. Allow me to draw your attention to a few spicy quotes: “Luckily, Danielle does not share my taste in men.” - Dani’s mother. “Well, lucky for Edmund; he’s the lucky one in this equation...” - Judy. “Danielle’s father helped pick [my dress] out, and look how THAT turned out.” - Dani’s mother. Everything here has double meaning. From the obvious implication that Dani doesn’t have a taste in men at all, to the more subtler “THAT” referring to both Dani’s mom’s bad marriage and how Dani ‘turned out’ (to be non-heterosexual).

The tailor flirts with Dani. Or seems to. Either way, Dani hones in on it; how she compliments her shoulders, gives her a smile, lets a hand linger on her lower back. Dani sees their reflections together in the mirror.

When Dani resurfaces from this flashback she looks solemn, even grim, with realization. She’s still looking at Jamie, but now she understands why.

Part 5: Third Flashback & The Bonfire

Dani joins Jamie, Owen, and Hannah for a bonfire outside. She spaces out and recalls the night Eddie died. They went to dinner that night. Dani nervously bites her fingernails and Eddie says, “Hey, easy. You’re going to hurt yourself.” Dani replies, “I’m sorry. I keep trying to stop.” Some more subtext there. It should also be pointed out that Eddie doesn’t even ask what’s wrong, or if she’s okay. He just assumes it’s the stress of planning their wedding. Little does he know, Dani’s about to break up with him. She almost doesn’t, at first. She tip-toes around it. “I thought I wanted it. I wanted to want it... [there’s] so many people to let down...” Then Eddie says, “For a second it almost sounded like you didn’t want to get married at all,” and the opportunity is finally right in front her, put in words, because she hasn’t been able to do it herself.

They talk in the car. Dani says she didn’t want to hurt anyone, because she still loves Eddie, just not like that. “And it’s just what we were doing... If I could just stick it out, eventually I would feel how I was supposed to.” They’ve been physically intimate, but Dani’s been unable to feel any emotional connection.

Angry and hurt, Eddie exits the car, gets hit by a truck, and dies. This is the source of the guilt that haunts Dani. She blames everything on herself. If she had just married him, or had the guts to be truthful about herself earlier, Eddie would still be alive. This is her flawed logic, and it sabotages her every time she tries to move forward. She sees Eddie in reflections because she can’t bear to confront herself.

Back at the bonfire, they toast the dead. Jamie toasts the late Wingraves. Dani, too, surprisingly. What’s important is that she praises who Dani is: “a bit of a weirdo, but stronger than she thinks”. It’s brief, but significant when you contrast it with Eddie’s speech at the dinner rehearsal, where he gives no real indication that he even knows who Dani is. To him, Dani is Danielle, “this amazing, beautiful girl” and while those are nice things to say, he speaks nothing of Dani’s character.

Part 6: The Greenhouse

Dani and Jamie sneak away to the greenhouse, where Dani elaborates about her fiance and confesses how she still ‘sees’ him. Jamie doesn’t say she’s crazy, instead focusing on what matters: that Dani’s surviving. Jamie knows grief and trauma. She knows how it can fuck people up in different ways, from first-hand experience. It’s acceptance and the peace of being heard and seen that compels Dani to kiss her. She doesn’t have to dare Jamie, she doesn’t passively wait for it to happen, no, she takes the initiative to make a move first because for the first time possibly ever, Dani knows what she wants. But her guilt’s still there. It ruins the moment when she sees Eddie again.

Part 7: Drunk Dani Putting the Past to Rest

After drinking courage into herself and nearly getting fucking bodied by Viola on her way out, Dani tosses Eddie’s glasses into the bonfire and confronts his ghost a final time. She knows what she wants, but she first needs to make peace with the past and with herself.

In conclusion: This episode was a true delight from a critical point of view. Dani’s journey from realization to self-acceptance was filled with subtlety and heart the whole way through and I had such a good time picking out the parallels, subtext, and symbolism. I know S1:E9 is probably more popular, because yeah, that all happened, but S1:E4 was so well-written, personally relevant, and teeming with storytelling devices that the writer in me could not for a second consider any other entry as my favorite episode of the season.

#thobm #thobm spoilers #dani clayton #long post

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alexguerinss · 4 years

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in your eyes

chapter 2/2 (ao3 link) (chapter 1)

When Owen saw Judd’s name come across his phone, he went on high alert. He knew TK had left early for the fire station for his shift, but Judd rarely called him out of the blue like this. He slid his phone open and put the phone to his ear before speaking.

“Judd?” He heard someone let out a breath on the other side of the line and he tensed with worry.

“Owen,” Judd’s voice came through the phone and he sounded out of breath, “It’s TK.”

“Tell me my son is okay Judd,” Owen asked, grabbing the last of his things before leaving the house and going towards his car.

“He took pills Cap,” he replied, watching as Michelle continually gave the younger man oxygen. “I don’t know where he got them from. He took them in the locker room after I walked out. We’re in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Michelle got him back, but he’s not out of the woods yet.”

Judd looked at TK and felt a fire in his chest. Why did this kid have to warm his way into his heart? TK was cocky and bullheaded, but he also wore his heart on his sleeve and seeing him struggle with his addiction was painful for the entire house.

“Judd, are you there?” Owen’s voice came from his cell and he was immediately taken out of his thoughts and back to his conversation.

“Sorry, yeah I’m still here. We are almost at the hospital. I’ll meet you in the waiting area,” he replied, looking between Michelle and TK, “He’s gonna be okay Cap.”

He let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, before he spoke again.

“He has to be.”

One Month Later

“So TK,” Dr. Anne Wells started the discussion, looking at her patient. “How are you feeling today?”

“Fine,” the young firefighter responded, looking anywhere but at the psychiatrist. She took notice that he was holding a pillow to his chest, as if he needed protection and she sighed.

“You’ve been doing so much better since your first day here,” she reminded him, taking his mind back to when his dad and Judd helped him settle in at the inpatient center. He knew he needed to get better. His suicide attempt was a wake up call.

He wanted to go back to his dad. The firehouse. He wanted to feel the adrenaline of running into a building to save someone, but just the thought of that made him feel like an elephant was sitting on his chest. He was brought back to the first day he came here, feeling like he was going to fall apart and never get better.

“Just breathe, TK. You’re going to get the help you need to kick this addiction in the ass and then you’ll be back with me,” his father said, pulling him into his arms. TK gripped his dad, not wanting to let go. His dad had always protected him. From when he almost broke his arm after falling out of a tree when he was 5 and catching him, from when his mother didn’t accept him and his father accepted him with open arms, and from when he first got addicted to drugs and his dad got him the help he needed before suggesting he apply at the fire academy after he got himself better. And now, when old wounds were opened from his mom’s texts and he thought his only option was out, his dad was there.

But he also now had a whole team behind him.

“You’ll be back with us kid,” Judd had stated gruffly, before pulling TK into his arms.

“Are we hugging right now?”

“You tell anyone…”

“Who can I tell?” TK reminded him, gesturing to his new home for the next 3 months.

“You get the help you need okay? I need your annoying ass back at the firehouse,” Judd’s words may have been humorous, but his tone was full of brotherly concern.

TK could only nod at both of them, before watching as they both left his room.

He could do this.

“TK?” A female voice brought him out of his thoughts and he looked to see Dr. Wells staring at him with concern.

“Sorry, you just reminded me of why I wanted to get better,” he let himself smile, before looking back at her to finish their session.

Four Months Later

After three months of inpatient treatment and a month of outpatient treatment, TK was back at the firehouse.

On light duty of course.

Months ago, he would have been annoyed at the limited work he would be doing, but now he was just grateful he was here. Alive.

His father had informed him shortly after he was in treatment that he contacted his mother. After one heated conversation with the woman, Owen informed him that his mother would never speak to either of them again. He had bought TK a new phone as well, one that his mother wouldn’t be able to find the number of. Whatever his dad said to his mom, he was grateful. She was in the past. She couldn’t hurt him.

He had his dad, he had his firehouse and he had Carlos.

Or at least, he hoped so.

Carlos had visited him once in the treatment center, just to see how he was doing with his own eyes. He told TK that he didn’t want to be one of the reasons he didn’t get better. He didn’t want to hold him back.

“I just wanted to feel something.”

The words echoed back at him from his memory, explaining to Carlos how he took to fighting in a bar so he could feel pain. Back then, it was a relief to feel the punches come at him.

Now, he didn’t want to even step foot inside another bar. Carlos told him that he didn't want TK to just use sex as another outlet for the pain he was feeling. He wouldn't deter TK from getting better, no matter how he was feeling about the younger man.

He had texted Carlos when he came in for his shift and was waiting for his response, impatiently of course. Judd chuckled at him when he noticed he looked at his phone a dozen times in a span of 10 minutes.

“TK, maybe he has work,” he suggested lightly, smirking as TK glared at him and sighed.

He got up from his chair and went to his dad’s office, searching for the gum he knew his dad always hid in his top drawer before pulling out a small bottle with pills in it instead.

His hands shook as he took in the pill bottle. He wasn’t even tempted to take the pills at this point. He just wanted to know why his dad had them in the first place. Suddenly he heard footsteps come closer to the office, but he was frozen in place.

“Hey, TK there you -” Owen stopped greeting his son, as he saw the picture before him.

His son with his pill bottle.

Before Owen could fear the worst, TK looked at him with tears in his eyes, “Why do you have these pills dad?”

The room was quiet and it was like all the air got sucked out of it as father and son stared at each other.

“They’re for my nausea,” he started to explain. His son just looked at him in confusion.

“Dad, what’s wrong?” His tone worried as he dropped the bottle on his desk and walked towards the older man.

“It’s for the nausea I get after chemo.”

TK looked stricken, his eyes going wide. “Wait, what? You have cancer?”

“It’s lung cancer, TK. It’s in the early stages. They caught it early.”

TK could only scoff, “It’s cancer dad.”

“I know,” Owen could only respond, staring at his son.

“You must think I’m so weak,” TK whispered, looking down at the floor. The pattern on the floor would be a nice distraction right now from this news.

“No. You are not weak Tyler Kennedy. You are one of the strongest people I know,” he stated firmly, putting his hand on his son’s shoulder. “I didn’t tell you because I was the weak one. I’m your dad. I’m supposed to always be there for you. I didn’t want to see the grief in your eyes the day I would finally get the courage to tell you.”

TK wiped at his eyes, before letting out a breath, “Dad, you’re still my hero,” he let himself smile before continuing, “You’re going to kick the crap out of this cancer, especially from now on because I’ve got your back.”

“I’ve got your back Dad,” he repeated, before wrapping his arms around the older man.

“Thanks son,” Owen responded, letting himself for once be comforted by TK.

As they broke out of the hug, Owen looked at his son and smirked.

“So, I heard your waiting to hear back from Carlos.”

TK looked affronted at the statement, before glaring at his dad.

“Michelle may have told me that he gets off this afternoon,” Owen stated, smiling as his son perked up at the fact, before frowning.

“Wait, why would she tell you that?” He questioned, before Owen let out a chuckle.

“She was going to meet him for lunch after his shift ended, but she wouldn’t mind if you took her place instead. I’m sure Carlos wouldn’t mind either.”

With that, Owen walked away to the locker room whistling.

“Wait, dad...where was she meeting him?” He asked, but his father was already too far away and he grumbled to himself.

“Guess I’ll just have to ask Michelle. This won’t be embarrassing or anything,” he mumbled.

“TK?” Carlos asked, surprised to see the younger man and not Michelle at their usual lunch table near the food trucks.

“Hi,” the young firefighter replied, standing up. Before he could react, Carlos grabbed him into a bone crushing hug.

“How are you? Are you okay?” The taller man asked him, before they pulled out of the hug.

“I’m better,” a small smile spread across his face as Carlos could only stare at him awe.

From how he was months ago to now, Carlos definitely saw a change in TK. There was a certain glow about him. He seemed happier and he was grateful that TK got the help he needed.

Before he could say a word, the firefighter looked up at him.

“So how about that date?”

“You sure?” He asked, biting his lip wanting to make sure that TK himself was ready.

“Yes, I’m sure” TK grinned, “you’re buying.”

#tarlos #911 lone star #my fic

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iwanttogohomenowplease · 7 years

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A brief history of bad times, part 1

So hi, it’s been a while.

Quick answers to your questions:

- Yeah, i probably should do that podcast. Sorry. I recorded a bunch of interviews with cool people but never had the faith in myself or what I was doing to actually fully press ahead with it. It’ll likely see the light of day soon.

- Yeah, i will blog some more. Spoiler alert, I have like 3 tours worth of absolute nonsense with a particular band to write about that i’m trying to structure in my head. It’ll happen, probably soon. Difficult second album and all that. The thing is, 2017 has actually been a great year for me as far as the tours I’ve been a part of and there hasn’t been that beautiful air of resentment about my life choices that was present the year prior. And as far as the ones i’ll be writing about, I guess I wanted to let the dust settle on them a bit.

- Yeah, old blue is still running. German engineering, right?

EDIT: I’d originally intended this to be a single post about a fairly short tour as it wasn’t quite as action packed as the last one, but I guess I really know how to waffle on when I’m whinging. I think this will probably be in 3 parts if this is anything to go by.

So, with that out of the way, let’s take a brief stop in early spring 2016. It’d been a really rough end to 2015, and with an impressively lengthy and expensive MOT in January behind me i’d had to pick up basically whatever I could get in terms of work to, you know, not starve to death in an alley somewhere. It was around this time I had one of my favourite tours ever with Allison Weiss and Jenny Owen Youngs (that’s them up there in the cover photo, don’t they look pleasant, well behaved and friendly?) but pretty soon afterwards I had a period where i had to kind of jam a few short runs together. Basically the sort of thing where i’d be finishing a tour in Liverpool one night, then starting another tour in Norwich the next night with a drop off in London inbetween.

Well, exactly that, actually. It meant agreeing to do some silly, inadvisable driving stints, but that’s pretty much my M.O at this point and I really needed the money. Plus the second run was with Ducking Punches who i’d previously had some great experiences with. I just had to get through 5 days on a metal tour first. I hadn’t had the best of times with metal bands prior to this (just you wait…) so I wasn’t exactly foaming at the mouth to get out on this run, but also it was only 5 days, how miserable could it be?

“I’ve brought Green Street, let’s stick it on. Can’t wait to get fucked up and go to a strip club tonight.”

Ah, fuck.

So day one of this run is an early morning pickup in London followed by a full days drive up to Newcastle for the first show. The band are tour support so there’s no backline/major stress about being there early, as is evident by us leaving a good hour or so later than planned after one of the guys slept in AND decided to go for breakfast.

First impressions, the guys all seem alright. Guitarist is a bit of a geezer and a bit of a scene veteran, clearly the driving force behind this band. Friendly enough, but you can imagine him trying to gouge your eyes out with a broken bottle after a minor disagreement about what the best Metallica album is. Drummer is a total space cadet, who doesn’t really seem to have much of a vested interest in being at all helpful ever at any time. He constantly wanders off during load ins and load outs leaving everyone else to carry his stuff. Also none of his stuff is in cases, that kind of drummer. Second guitarist and bassist I learn are temps as the band doesn’t have a full time solid lineup. Both very pleasant guys who didn’t have the perceived ego of the ‘actual’ band and were fairly chatty. Finally, the vocalist is the guy who got here late and decided to go eat, making us later. He’s a bit posh, a bit quiet, but seems alright.

Can you guess who’s going to turn out to be a massive prick?

So we finally get on our way, and roughly half an hour into the journey DISASTER strikes. One of the TV’s in the back loses power, and they can only watch Green Street on one screen.We’ve previously covered my anxiety when it comes to things like this, and so with this being the first day of a new tour with a new bunch of people I don’t know, I want to try and get it resolved ASAP. I pledge to stop once we’re out of London and take a look at it. This apparently isn’t good enough for geezer guitarist who continues to moan about not being able to watch a film about football hooligans that he’s probably already watched 15 times this year. I carry on regardless, until about 5 minutes later when a horrible acrid burning smell reaches me. I shout to the back, and the verdict is that they can’t see or smell any evidence of a fire or anything to be worried about. I pull over anyway.

It turns out that one of the power cables leading to the now defunct TV has overheated and is melting into itself. I remove the fuse, apologise, and break the news that it’s unlikely that this TV will be back online for the remainder of the tour. Green Street Geezer Guitarist is understandably mortified and begins to display the five stages of grief.

“Nah, it’s fine. I can’t believe this, FUCK! Is there nothing we can do to fix it? This is the worst, I just bought 5 new DVDs for this tour. Alright, fine, we’ll just stream the Chelsea match on my phone instead.”

After a long, football violence-less drive, we arrive in Newcastle. I’m informed we have a travelodge for the night, and we’ll check in there before we load in to the venue. It’s fairly central so i’m a bit worried about parking, but Newcastle isn’t too bad for city centre parking and i’m feeling good about having a bed. We load in, I go for some food with the vocalist and we make the kind of awkward small talk two people who clearly have nothing in common make. I get a pizza with chips on. It’s not good.

I stay for the show, the band are really not to my taste and the headliners even less so. Looks like i’ll be sitting in the van playing 3DS a fair few nights on this run then.

We head back to the travelodge fairly soon after the gig has finished which was surprisingly efficient, but it turns out it’s only because they’re all keen to shower and get changed before they go out and visit Newcastle’s finest clothing removal specialists. I’ve got a key to the room and they don’t need to get in the van, so i have a good nights sleep in a bed.

Day 2 we’re up at a reasonable hour. Those who went out apparently had a great time but are feeling a bit worse for wear, so the consensus is a spoons breakfast, obviously. Spoons is a happy place where nothing bad ever happens, so not much to say about that.

Show 2 is in Peterborough, a grotty forgettable town. Really, that’s what it says on the sign. The gig is super uneventful, and after I realise there’s a huge 24 hour Asda within walking distance of the venue that’s me sorted for entertainment for the evening.

We’re heading to London afterwards to stay at grimey green street guitar geezers gaffe so we have a bit of a drive, which is made all the more fun with a drop off in Welwyn Garden on the way as the singer wants to sleep in his own bed tonight and will get a train to us tomorrow. I’m assured it’s a 2 minute detour, and whilst that’s obviously an understatement it’s not massively far out of the way, so it’s agreed to without much fuss. We drop him off, then proceed to glorious central London. The rest of the guys want to stay up and watch Metallica live shows and in true metal band fashion take up all the comfortable surfaces before I even step foot in the house without a second thought for the well being of the man behind the wheel of the 3.5 tonne deathtrap they’ll be in the back of, so I opt to sleep in the van. As is tradition.

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donewithallthi5 · 5 years

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6th May - First draft feedback

Again the feedback I received from my supervisor was even more helpful than I could have anticipated. She has gone through the script line by line and pointed out any issues or narrative points that could be improved. I am pleased that she liked the ending. This is the aspect of the script I had put in the most thought into. The fact the ending comes across as emotional and powerful I believe shows that my script so far looks like it should be a success because, as said in previous post, the short films with great endings are the ones that stick with audiences.

Main points from feedback:

· The way a voice over should be put in a script

· Descriptions of characters and ages need to be made clear

· Tenses in the script must be present

· Sandra needs to be present in script

· She made a point, which I agree with now, that Joseph would not lash out and punch the wall if he is in the acceptance phase.

· The scene where Mary is murdered needs to be flushed out more

· Still need more visuals

Feedback:

Script notes: TO WHOM I LEAVE - Owen Baker

Well done on writing a first draft!

Your layout looks good - but check that everything is written in PRESENT TENSE - as there are times that you slip into past tenses.

When you first introduce JOSEPH - put his name in CAPITALS on introduction - and also describe him. Tell us his age, first impressions in how he looks, his attitude. It just takes a few words, but you need to create him so we can see him.

Couple of typos in scene 1 = starring = staring, wrtite = write

When you do a Voice over - you should put it like this, on same line as character name:

JOSEPH (V.O)

In 2nd scene, tell is the YEAR. You can either do that in the TRENCHES line, or as a caption over the images. But saying '20 year old Joseph' makes no sense unless we know how old he was in 1st scene! Yes, you need to tell us he is 20 here - but get his age in scene before.

Watch your tenses in this scene, you slip into the past: looked-looks. Spelling - concered - concerned

I think you can gives us more IMAGERY in this scene, it feels a bit underwritten in terms of trench activity. I like how there's a letter to link it though.

Beware using the word 'suddenly' in scripts. It stops the action feeling 'sudden' - as you are stopping it being a surprise by saying 'suddenly. 'Artillery begins to EXPLODE' feels more active (you should put sounds in capitals).

Nice link, the artillery to the echoed shouting in prison - caps = SHOUTING

Train station scene - check tenses.

Spelling payed = paid.

Will be clearer if you say he looks at BABY PHILLIP - and can you use more images here? You don't give us enough at times. I'm not seeing MARY, age, first impressions? Is she excited, anxious? You need to dig deeper into the characterisation of your characters. Even the baby - it's invisible on the page. Saying 'You were an ugly kid' is a fun line - but I want to see the baby too!

Look at the end point of each of your scenes. Most of them seem to be ending with dialogue/voice over. That's okay to keep things flowing, it's the link, the glue within the structure. But if you can find strong images around these end points too, you can lift this up a level in terms of visuals. remember - cinema is cinematic. Visuals matter.

Prison cell, 2, tenses. Not much going on here in comparison with the length of the VO.

You talk a lot about SANDRA - but we never even see her in the script. Why not? Is there a point where Joseph sees her? As it's like he's telling us about someone who isn't even in the film. Yes, she may be in son Phillip's life - but she's not in the actual script!

Sp Josephs sits - joseph. Tenses - put =puts

This is where Phillip talks a lot about Sandra - but she's never in the actual script. Even if we just see them through a window, kissing. Something!

Sp New = knew

Your dialogue feels natural and realistic here.

Prison cell. I didn't know why Joseph's hands were bloody... but I guess he has been punching the walls? Not convinced by that, psychologically - as it feels like him writing this letter is part of his 'acceptance' that his time is up. And punching walls feels more like anger. In the 'stages of grief' - which could connect in to J's emotions regarding his own situation (his imminent death) the stages are: DENIAL, BARGAINING, ANGER, DEPRESSION, ACCEPTANCE. Which may be why the bloodied fists made me go???? As it doesn't feel like his current mood?

I was intrigued by the line 'I'm sorry I ruined that day for you.' I hadn't originally realised that he's referring to the day of the actual dance (??? wouldn't a dance be at night?) Are J's questions more about what P did after the dance, with Sandra? It's not clear to me yet. So I'm like, is this about the dance, or a different day? Have a look at it (page 4) and see what you think, what you are trying to make the audience aware of - as I was a bit ??????

It's clearer on page 5, that J is worried P had sex - and when Mary comes in, that's all good. The fight between them is good - the violence to Mary - and P getting knife and going against his dad is great.

However - think about Phillip as a character. Is this is first time he has stood up to his dad? Grabbing a knife is a big deal - and it seems to come easily to Phillip. You say that the ''knife shaking in his hands and tears in his eyes' - which is great - but maybe that description comes in a bit late? Even a small thing like putting that description before saying 'Joseph looks at Phillip...' will put our focus on Phillip's action, rather than Joseph's reaction to it? It's worth a try.

Sps - Joesphs grip =Joseph's - your - you're - Realsing = realising - starred- stare

I like the VO in the garden, about P not getting in scraps. Watch your tenses though in action. Always use present tense!

sp too = to

pg 8 sp prsion - prison

In this scene - you need to have Joseph ask the guard if he can make sure his son gets the letter. Even if he just says, 'It's for my son', or something.... It isn't done by psychic powers - it's done with DIALOGUE! You have the perfect opportunity to do that in this scene. 'Folds up the letter and gives it to the guard' isn't enough, is it? Especially as it is so important to Joseph. You can still have a line that gets this across, without giving away that his son is dead...

The 'for what happened to your mother' line made me go 'OMG he killed her!'. But even though that made me go wow, it then meant that there was no surprise when that happens. Would it be better to say 'for what happened...' but take 'to your mother' our? Mmmm..

Pg 8. You need to sort your ages out. You can't write 'Joseph looks the same age as in the cell' - as you never TOLD us how old he was in the cell. So put his age in 1st scene, and then you can tell us he is that age here. So we see it's the same timeline. Also - Mary will be older too. You are focusing so much on Joseph you are forgetting that the other characters matter too.

Is there something that triggers J's attack here. Is 'Pass me the plate' enough?

I made a notes here, that your dialogue in this scene, and sometime in others - feels a bit 'on the nose'. Sometimes that's okay, like when characters are angry and saying exactly what they feel - but if you look at your scenes and try to find the SUBTEXT - as in, what we understand from the lines which isn't said, where a line has more resonance as we know its real meaning.

The trigger line' You should never have been a father' feels like it connects with your story - but can the end of this scene go a bit further and do more? Grabbing a glass and turning towards Mary didn't quite give me enough ooooomph. He is about to attack her, but I didn't get enough of that feeling of dread. Visuals, emotions, action - you can dig into these things more to make your scenes really pop.

Next scene - what LOCATION in the PRISON? You need to be precise. Where are we and what are we seeing? Show more!

The bottom of page 9 and top of 10 were, for me, the most successful part of your script - as you start to let the VO fall away, it stops explaining things, and instead you use your visuals and editing to progress the story. That is much more powerful. That is what I mean by subtext! The 'You deserved a different father' line is great!

You may still be able to get a bit more out of the visuals here though.

Also - the final scene, at the graveyard, will work better if you have an earlier exchange with the guard that is clearer. Somehow that last scene feels a bit fast - like I wanted to linger on this for a moment more, to take it in. Or maybe it just needs a beat to remind us that Joseph is dead too? His empty cell? Mmm, not sure. It could simply be a matter of seeing how it times out on the page. If you put a line gap between - 'places the letter down on the grave' and then 'He steps back' - that gives a pause before the reveal that it's the son's grave. Even a tiny pause on the page can affect the rhythms of a script in a precise way.

So - a powerful ending, from page 9-10 really flies. You can go back to your earlier scenes, find more VISUALS and dig deeper into your CHARACTERISATION, of Joseph, Phillip, Mary. Look at your dialogue - and think about subtext. Even in the letter, are there times when you can pull more subtext out of that? The reason things work better towards the end is because, by then, the subtext is there. That '...you were everything...' line towards the end is so emotional! Page 9 -10, you nail it!

Think about Sandra. There is a LOT of talk about her - but she never even appears, and I think you need to do something about that - even if it's just a nosy Joseph seeing her out the window? Kissing, an embrace? It just felt odd to me that she's set-up verbally, but is never paid-off.

So... visuals, characterisation (including clarity on ages), subtext, tenses - all things to push forwards with in your next draft. Good luck!

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