#with the knowledge that i have unopened messages to respond to looming in the back of my mind like a noose! yippee yahoo!!!

[fuck-you-i-am-spiderman]

ummm please do 1 with hollstein?

Prompt: “can you please come and get me?”

Okay so here’s a little thing, relating to some of my headcanons for a recently human Carmilla adjusting to life. It took me a while and it’s not great but anyway here you go!

Carmilla kicked her chair, instantly groaning as she felt the pain that followed. Being human again was really starting to get on her nerves, she couldn’t do any of the things that she used to and she was beginning to feel pretty useless.

Grumbling she cast a glare towards the unopened jar of pasta sauce before continuing to pace around the apartment. All she wanted to do was cook a nice meal for when Laura got back but she couldn’t even do that. Her fists shook as the door opened and in walked Laura, arm full of bags and completely oblivious to the anger resonating over her girlfriend.

“Hey babe, I got us take out from that little place off of 2nd street,” 

Laura shimmies her way around the kitchen dumping the bulging bags on the counter and starting to retrieve the take out boxes from the pile, which is when her gaze falls to the pan of boiling pasta and a jar of sauce sitting a top of the counter. Her smile falls as she pivots back around, guilt sinking in.

“Holy crap! Carm, I am so sor-”

“Stop it.”

“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have just assumed, we can put the take-out in the fridge and save it for tomorrow if you want?” She tries to give Carmilla a soft smile but she only receives a glare in return. 

“No. I don’t want that so just fucking stop!” Carmilla’s voice is barely controlled and it sets Laura off.

“Why are you being such a-” Laura cuts herself off, shaking her head as she swallows her own anger, “I don’t know why you’re so pissed but could you stop with the attitude please and just talk to me.”

“You want me to talk to you?” After Laura gives an expectant nod Carmilla continues, practically spitting out the words, each one becoming louder as gets more aggravated. “fine. How about the fact that you’ve been gone all fricking day and I’ve been here. I wanted to do something nice for you and then you come in with take out. How am I supposed to react Laura?!”

“Where the heck is all of this coming from?”

“You! It’s coming from you!” 

“Me?! What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” 

“Better watch that attitude Sweetheart,” 

Carmilla’s teasing quip cuts deep and Laura can feel her blood boiling. Her face turning red as she retorts even angrier.

”Shut the fuck up! You are taking out your anger on me and I’m fucking tired of this shit Carmilla! Why do you keep doing this?! Are you really this mad over a box of take out?!”

“You know what, you enjoy your precious take out. Excuse me for wanting to make a nice meal for my girlfriend! I’ve been waiting for you all day Laura. All day I’ve been alone with that stupid shitty jar that won’t open and you just don’t get it! You don’t get it and you probably never will.” 

Laura’s face contorts and her eyebrows raise in confusion. She glances at the unopened jar left on the side and frustration in Carmilla’s tone and then it clicks into place. She starts to speak but Carmilla is already stomping towards the door.

“Where are you going?”

She doesn’t get a response, just a door slamming and then Carmilla is gone. Fuck. 

Carmilla stared blankly at her screen.

3 voicemails, 5 missed called and 7 texts 

She couldn’t find the will to respond, she knew she was being irrational and stupid but the more she thought about it the more she realised that maybe this had been something bothering her for a while. 

So instead of talking to her girlfriend about it she sat on the very high rooftop of Laf and Perry’s apartment contemplating some of her darkest thoughts. Initially she’d just went for a walk but she found herself seeking familiarity and when Perry had invited her in, no questions asked she relaxed. Lafontaine was at their lab and Perry was oddly the exact thing Carmilla needed, the girl seemed to understand and unlike Laura she knew when not to push. Perry had shown Carmilla the rooftop , it had a wonderful view and a beautifully crafted wooden bench. Carmilla had been sitting alone for over an hour, only visited by Perry once - to give the brunette a sandwich and a glass of homemade lemonade - and it was peaceful. She was so used to the noise and Laura’s presence that she often forgot how much being alone comforted her. 

Her hands trembled and she scolded herself, this was stupid - she knew it was but there was still a part of her that let the fear in. Laura had proven her love for her but still Carmilla clutched to the possibility that she wasn’t doing enough. After all, Laura had pushed her to be a hero and her efforts hadn’t been enough (and that was when she’d been a vampire), now she was mortal, she hated that word and not because humans were somehow inferior but more the fact that she’d never been one - not really. She had left her mortality a long time ago and being human felt so foreign to her, she felt so offset as though she was disconnected somehow and she felt a pain go through her newly beating heart at the loss she’d suffered. Her fingers toyed with the broken shell of a locket slung carelessly around her neck, tracing patterns over the intricate design as she delved deeper into her own misguiding. 

She listened to the distant hum of cars passing by and the tears fell, she didn’t even bother to brush them aside. It seemed like she’d been out there for the longest time but the waves of pain and sorrow continued to crash over her. The anchor she’d always felt pulling her down as she wracked her brain trying to think of an escape. Flashes of Laura’s face clouded her mind and the ache grew stronger. She knew that Laura should be the person she spoke to about this, this feeling of helplessness but how could she understand. Carmilla was a human, - one who had lived for over 300 years - forced to grow up before her time, forced to be the image of a perfect daughter and then to be a hero never to just be her and that was what hurt her the most - she had no idea who she was without her abilities. Laura was always so strong and self-aware but Carmilla, no she did not share the same knowledge despite years of perfecting the layer of confidence she exerted. Her fists clenched as she heard the mantra repeated in her head ‘my glittering girl. Stone can not love flesh.’ she hated that voice but it was always there, repeating all of her worst fears. ‘You’re nothing without me’ that was something The Dean had told her almost every day, constantly reminding her that she was made for power, that without her gifts she couldn’t do anything. That was the one thing Laura couldn’t understand and the one thing Carmilla needed her to.

Her phone vibrated again and with barely enough energy she unlocked the screen, eyes drifting down to the new message alert flashing in the corner. She hesitated, finger hovering over the icon for a while until she found the will to open it, preparing herself for the slaughter of anger she was about to face. Eyes widening when she faced something different entirely.

From Lauronica Mars

I know you don’t want to talk right now and I won’t force you to if you’re not ready but please just let me know you’re okay. Just one word because I’m freaking out and I need to know you’re okay. Please don’t just go dark. I know you must be feeling so much right now, things that I might not understand and I have no idea how you must be feeling but I do know that I love you. I love you so much Carmilla and I just need to know that your safe. Please.

Before she’d even finished reading she’d decided, her hands surprisingly less shaky than before as she pressed the call button. There’s half a beat and then she can hear Laura’s relieved voice coming through the other end.

“Carm?! Thank hippogriffs you responded. Please tell me you’re okay,”

She took a breath before responding in a broken whisper. “I- I’m okay.”

“No you’re not.”

Carmilla wants to be angry but she can’t, Laura knows her so well and this time she’s thankful. She starts to speak but Laura beats her to it, her voice so soft and caring. 

“Tell me what you need.”

“You.”

She can hear shuffling and the sound of shoes hitting the floor, then Laura’s responding. “Where are you?”

“At Laf and Perry’s.” She can’t even bring herself to care that she didn’t use a snarky nickname, all that matters is Laura and the prospect of being held in her arms. “Can you please come and get me?”

“Already on my way.”

…

Carmilla has her eyes closed when Laura gets there.

Laura had thrown on her jacket and practically ran out of their apartment, her car had refused to start but after some light force she’d managed to drive semi-legally narrowly avoiding the cops as she’d blitzed around a sharp corner. 

She was met with a concerned Perry who told her that Carmilla had been up on the roof for over 2 hours. It took everything she had not to sprint up there. Her face full of relief as she spotted her girlfriend perched on the wooden bench, her eyes closed as her head rested against the wall, rays hitting her and framing her face - the sight took her breath away. Without a word she makes her way over, sitting beside her girlfriend and looking out across the landscape. Carmilla’s eyes don’t open but she leans into Laura’s touch. Laura shifts with a smile, gently pulling Carmilla down so that her head can rest in Laura’s lap. She lets her fingers softly run through Carmilla’s curly tresses, she can feel how tense the ex-vampire is as her other hands moves to rub small circles across her temple. She continues to do this for at least 10 minutes revelling in how Carmilla slowly starts to relax.

It’s another 10 minutes of silence before either of them dare to breach the unspoken topic looming in the air.

“Carm-”

“Laur-”

A ghost of a smile appears on Carmilla’s lips as Laura laughs telling her to go ahead. There’s a breath and then she’s speaking, her throat is hoarse from all her crying and she doesn’t dare open her eyes not wanting to see the reaction her words might have.

“I’m sorry I left. I didn’t know how to explain how I felt and…you know I’m not so good with the feelings thing. I wanted to be your Carmilla, the strong badass that you fell for but then I forgot to eat. I forgot for a whole day and you were so fricking scared because I was weaker than usual and I just didn’t even think of it.” 

Carmilla opens her eyes, moving out of Laura’s lap as she curls in on herself, hugging her knees to her chest as she looked away, her eyes trained to the ground as she spoke. 

“I fell into a pile of glass and you had to patch me up because I was suddenly scared to go to a hospital. I had an anxiety attack and felt like I was having a heart attack. I didn’t go to sleep for three days because I didn’t want to stop my nightly walks and you had to force me to sleep. I couldn’t even make you a nice meal because the stupid jar wouldn’t open.”

The pieces start to click for Laura and she wants to dispel the pain Carmilla is feeling but for once the girl isn’t hiding her feelings and so Laura stays silent as Carmilla talks.

“I was a vampire. A vampire with amazing abilities and I- I never got the chance to adapt to humanity and I want to be more than this, I need to be more than this broken shell of a person. I can’t lose you Laura,”

“You’re not going to lose me Carm,”

Carmilla scoffs brushing it off as she turns to face her girlfriend with a sceptical expression. “I highly doubt that. You like strong, powerful women and I’m neither. I feel useless and-”

She’s cut off as Laura cups her face stopping her mid sentence as she presses a soft kiss to Carmilla’s lips, pulling back to look at her. It surprises her when she sees no hint of pity or disappointment in Laura’s eyes, just the love and adoration that always dawned her gaze. Her voice was calm and genuine as she spoke.

“You are not useless Carmilla Karnstein. You are beautiful and intelligent, your soul is full of good and yes, you aren’t as physically capable anymore but you are so much more than your previous supernatural abilities. Gosh, Carm you have no idea how amazing you are. You were a vampire for over 300 years and I cannot imagine how horrible it must feel to lose a part of yourself like that but you being human doesn’t make me love you any less. Infact it makes me love you even more, I get to feel the warmth of your skin against mine and I get to see the blush that colours your cheeks. Your abilities did not make you who you are Carm. Hell, you still practically purr when I massage your shoulders!”

Carmilla ducks her head, a shy smile forming as Laura tilts her chin back up, her thumb lightly brushing away a stray tear from Carmilla’s cheek as she continued. 

“You want to know the best thing about you being a human? That every night I get to lie against your chest and the soft thump of your heartbeat coaxes me to sleep. I forget everything else and it’s a reminder that after everything we went through we still managed to be together, to be stronger together.”

Carmilla leans forward, kissing Laura softly before pulling back their foreheads resting against one another’s. She smiles, closing her eyes as Laura peppers her lips with tender kisses, swallowing her whispered I love yous as she lets herself sink into Laura’s embrace. Her touches are enough to hush her fears and despite the pain she feels having Laura hold her makes it a little bit easier.

#hollstein #hollstein fanfiction #carmilla #asks #Anonymous #sorry this took so long for me to do #my fics #so it got kind of angsty....ooops #it's bad I'm sorry